August 23, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 3: Stop! Janner Time

8/23/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4 - Night 2

Janner (AKA Jade and Tanner for you pleebs who don't know the supercouple success story of Bachelor in Paradise last summer) make a surprise visit to remind everyone that 3 weeks of dating on reality TV can end in marriage. They arrive with a date card in-hand to give out after deep interviews with each potential couple. Said grilling make Lace question her relationship with Grant since she's not ready to return his "I love you" after a week of dating. Janner are turned off by Josh's over-eagerness to get a special date with Amanda, wondering if he has ulterior motives. Ashley I tells Janner that Caila/Jared is her worst nightmare and they don't care in the slightest for her feelings as they feel the couple are on the right path. 

There are other couples in Paradise besides Jared and Caila, so let's discuss before getting into their nonsense. I forgot to mention earlier because of writing flow and not wanting to make another picture that Vinny and Izzy breakup. Not only does he leave Izzy, but Vinny leaves Paradise in an Uber. Jennifer tries to get Nick to open up and let his guard down, but he's afraid of looking like a joke on reality TV again. A date card for Evan and Carly seems like the ideal opportunity to infuse some romance into their friendship, allowing them to really open up to each other in a rebirth ceremony in a hut. Carly likes the way Evan looks at her even when she looks like sweaty hot garbage and they have a much better sweaty makeout kiss.

Jared and Caila's date card lets them fake eat dinner in the rain and even in bad weather Caila has flawless hair. They have a very frank discussion about Ashley I hindering their relationship, but agree they are into each other. They leave fake dinner and strip down to their undies to makeout in the dirty looking river. Ashley I decides to try to use psychological warfare to breakup Jared and Caila because she has literally nothing better to do. Because Jared's a dope, he buys it hook, line, and sinker. Caila has to reassure Jared that she is definitely into him and he's too stupid to notice Ashley I is in love with him and doing anything to break them up. Tired of the BS, Caila confronts Ashley about her interference in their blossoming relationship. Caila wonders if Ashley is just going to sabotage everyone else (AKA Jared) until she finally finds someone to move on with. The answer is obviously yes.

[All images credited to ABC]

August 22, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 3: Booze Cruise Blues

8/22/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4 - Night 1

We return to the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party where Ashley I is still ugly crying to Jared and he's reminder her yet again that it's never going to happen. Jared then grabs Caila to reiterate his feelings, while Ashley I cries to poor Jorge the Bartender. Also, Evan and Carly kiss and this time it's not bad (for them at least, my eyes are pained). There is only one rose up for grabs this week since every single guy is in a couple. That single guy is Canadian Daniel. Sarah bakes him a half birthday cake (how about pouring a drink instead cause, girl, you're thirsty) and one twin takes the hit and kisses Daniel. Ashley I stops sobbing for a brief moment to talk to Daniel about her drama, and he encourages her to date around - or in classy Daniel terms "slut it up a bit." Ultimately, Daniel hands his rose out to Haley the twin (you know production wouldn't let them slip away). Sarah, who is way to good for this franchise cries in her Uber and leaves. Ashley I gets into her Uber, then decides she has no plans to leave and just gets out and returns to make a speech/plea to return. Cause that's allowed?? The producers dream comes true and everyone agrees to let her stay and find love. And cry for ratings.

Some new guys from Andi's season arrive, one is Carl and one is Brett and I have no idea who they are and I've watched this show for a decade. There's a Double Date card, so Carl invites Emily the twin who is so happy to finally find a guy of interest. Brett "the lamp guy" invites Caila on a date and she accepts, then rejects, and repeats this cycle on indecision a few times before agreeing to go on the date. The foursome head out on a booze cruise where Emily and Carl just griiiiind on each other like it's a dirty dancing competition. The booze cruise, and Brett, are not Caila's scene and she realizes she made a mistake in her thirty minutes of deciding whether to go on the date. Meanwhile, Jared stays back and mopes that the girl he likes is on a date with another dude. Ashley is hoping this is her time to swoop in and get Jared back because the dead horse hasn't been beaten enough. Bad news Ashley: Caila returns and it's back full force with Jared. Cue the tears of Ashley I.... AGAIN. Sound familiar? It's getting old fast.

Another guy named Ryan arrives and for real, who the hell are these guys? We are truly scraping the barrel for casting. After Ashley I uses her alone-time to yap about Jared AGAIN, Ryan asks Haley the twin on his date. They ride horses alongside the stream which is totally different than last week because they horseback rode on the beach. Grant plans a special massage date for Lace and tells her he's in love with her, and she's definitely on the path to love but not there yet (because it's been a week?) Vinny and Izzy have been smooth sailing for weeks, but Brett's arrival and overall hotness makes Izzy wonder if maybe she settled down too soon. Vinny is not pleased that Izzy isn't totally sure about their relationship. Vinny sleeps on it poorly and decides to talk to Izzy to get closure - but not tonight... see ya tomorrow.

[All images credited to ABC]

August 21, 2016

Big Brother 18: Along Came the Eviction of Paulie

8/21/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 8

The house is still dealing with the aftermath of the double eviction, but there's still some of the past to share. Flashback to the moments where Paulie hit on Natalie despite being in a showmance with Zakiyah (and Natalie with James). Natalie outs all of this to Zakiyah in the days leading up to her eviction, who in turn tells everything to Paulie. Natalie tells this to James as well, who confronts Paulie about flirting with his girl. Paulie keeps calling Natalie a "Jersey girl" in a derogatory sense and says she's as fake as "the things on her chest" - high class, Paulie! Eventually Natalie and Paulie get into it and gonna give the point to Natalie as Paulie just comes off like a douche. And as usual, before the eviction James ruins the total blindside and tells Nicole, Corey, and Paulie of Zakiyah's impending eviction. Instead of goodwill, Paulie snaps even more.

The Double Eviction left the house "leaderless" so there's a Head of Household to declare the new power holder. In a head-to-head elimination style competition to identify Benny the Squirrels in a grid, Victor wins HOH. As the swing vote of the house, being in power requires Victor to actually choose a side. Victor can't choose Nicole as America's Care Package grants her "super safety" so she can't be nominated/evicted while wearing her stupid Super Safety suit. That's A-OK for Victor, who agrees with his ally Paul that they should target Paulie and Corey. Time to take out a big competitor!

Paulie ugly cries a ton about the nominations of himself and his bro Corey, feeling betrayed by The Executives. Paulie can't seem to accept that the player got played, which Michelle perfectly sums up to the BB16-wannabe: "You're never going to be Cody or Derrick." Paulie has to put his pouty-face aside briefly because Zingbot 9000 shows up in the house for his classic zings which calls out Paulie as the "Poor Man's Cody" and Nicole for throwing her game away for a guy on two different seasons. ZING INDEED! This year, Zingbot is running for president and gonna be honest, not a terrible candidate? As players are eliminated they win/trade for prizes and punishments which results in the following: Paul has to pat down houseguests as Zingbot's Secret Service, Nicole wins a trip to any "American destination", Corey has to wear a "Patriot-tard", Paulie has to bake apple pies all summer, James gets $5k, and Victor retains all power by winning the Veto. Victor is excited to have all the power to send Paulie out of the game, leaving his nominations the same.

Paulie's game is pretty much over at this point, so in good news he only has to bake pies a couple days as opposed to all summer. Credit to him for realizing the monster the game made him become. Credit lost when he threatens to quit. He campaigns and tries to use tears to his advantage, but the house isn't buying it and Paulie is evicted.  He doesn't have the Round Trip ticket so we are saved his resurrection (temporarily because, what a shocker, there's another impending Battle Back coming). Since this was the last week for the tickets, Julie Chen reveals who did have the ticket: YOUR BOY Paul. The next reigning HOH is left as a cliffhanger, but twist alert: someone will be co-HOH this week thanks to America's Care Package.

[All images credited to CBS]

August 16, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise: The Return of Ashley I's Ugly Cries

8/16/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3 - Night 2

Ashley I arrives in Paradise for another summer of chasing after Jared, but is shocked to discover her friend Caila has already snagged her man. Apparently, Caila didn't tell Ashley I she was coming to Paradise and has previously stated Jared isn't her type. Well things change, Ashley! What hasn't changed is Ashley's emotional stability, which quickly digresses into tears. With Jared taken, Ashley is forced to find another option for her date card and is stuck with Canadian Daniel. Ashley and Daniel talk about her virginity and Jared obsession before actually bonding. But their date is interrupted when a bunch of Mayans bust into the date and steal Ashley I away to "sacrifice a virgin." This is how the date ends. Also, she doesn't really die in a sacrifice.

Another one of Ben Higgins rejects arrives and her name is Jen and she's a brunette beauty that all the guys want. Jen gets a good vibe from two time runner-up Nick Viall and takes him on her date, and thank god because he was becoming a sad lonely man in Paradise. They drink on a boat before departing to makeout on a crab-infested beach. Not the STD, but the animals but since this is Bachelor in Paradise I can see why you'd think it's a crabs infested beach.

Evan's bizarre medical emergencies aren't quite over yet. He got a kiss from Carly after passing out last time, so on his second expedition he invites Carly to join his ambulance ride for his swollen ankles. And it works! Carly's feelings for Evan return and his thrifty non-date card date actually works out this time.

It's time for the latest Rose Ceremony and the men have the power this week. Pretty much the only rose up for grabs is Canadian Daniel and he's got a lot of choices. After Jared confirms Caila will get his rose, Ashley I pulls him aside because she still thinks there's a chance. When Nick Viall, two-time runner-up reject, tells you it won't work out... believe him. Jared is tired of Ashley I cock-blocking him, and Ashley I has most definitely broken her vow of only 3 cries in Paradise. I'm already tired of it.

[All images credited to ABC]

August 15, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 3: Josh Ruins Pizza for Everyone

8/15/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3

Picking up on last week, Evan decides to interrupt Amanda's face-suck session with Josh. Josh turns his moaning to the worst looking pizza on earth, while Amanda accepts the faux date card Evan to gently let him down. Knowing he's a dead man walking, Evan makes one last strike before leaving Paradise: warning Amanda that, according to Andi's book, Josh sucks. Josh gets wind of this hot gossip and confronts Evan about besmirching his name, all while continuing to sweat through his linen shirt. Nick gives Amanda sort of a warning but also says there are some discrepancies in the book so maybe hold out hope it's a lie. In case you think there's any suspense about it, Amanda gives Josh her rose. Other obvious roses: Lace to Grant, Izzy to Vinny, and Emily to Jared. Despite having a pretty good kiss with Christian again, Sarah gives her rose to fun Daniel and his mediocre kiss. Carly gives Evan her Friend Zone rose, but he hopes this means their relationship is starting over - OOF. And last rose of the night is from Haley who chooses to give one to Nick Viall instead of her date Brandon because dude couldn't tell her and her twin apart. No bueno. It's not a good night for new guys in Paradise.

Caila, The Bachelorette that never was, arrives in Paradise and catches Jared's eye. Emily the twin is isn't happy that her top guy might like someone else, but politely pretends it's OK to Jared's face when he asks for permission. Emily hopes Jared will return from the date and have no connection with Kayla, but there's nothing more romantic than horseback riding on the beach. Jared returns from his date and breaks things off with Emily, who is heartbroken. 

Romance continues to brew between non-entities when Lace/Grant and Izzy/Vinny go on a double date and get all mushy with each other. Thankfully they imbibe enough margaritas and miscellaneous booze to grind all over each other in a foam party at Senor Frogs like it's MTV Spring Break. Highlight of the night: a random girl throws a pitcher of water on Lace and Izzy, which gets said heroic girl bounced from the club. While the real double date happens, Carly and Sarah continue their quest to not be eliminated by keeping the door a crack open of their past Paradise relationship failures. Evan thinks there's a sliver of a chance with Carly so he tries to kiss her and gets rejected. Super drunk Evan passes out in bed but isn't responsive to producers, which requires them to call medical, and honestly it seems like an extreme over reaction. Carly goes back and forth between remembering their horrible kiss and also being attracted to Evan, which results in her making out with Evan.

Also, Amanda and Josh head to the Bone Zone which we know because there's stock footage of a train going through a tunnel. Not a joke.

But the biggest reveal of all: Ashley I is back, ready for cry a lot and attempt to get Jared to pay attention to her.

[All images credited to ABC]

August 14, 2016

Big Brother 18: Double Eviction Dud

8/14/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 7

The house is still standing on their little disks and swinging around the backyard, hoping to old on the longest to win HOH. "Twitter Trolls" run in out of nowhere to harass and gently smack around the houseguest with paddles. The spinning is enough to make Michelle hurl and then cry a lot about said hurling. It's basically a big brofest to hold on the longest so their new alliance, The Executives, can pick off the women. Victor and Natalie are the last two hanging, so eventually she strikes a deal for her safety and falls off. Victor is the new HOH which makes another week of Paulie puppeting the house.

Paulie's extremely obvious throwing of the HOH competition right after Zakiyah fell sets her off, feeling betrayed by her flirtmance, but again buys what Paulie is selling her - or like 90%. Michelle AKA Big Meech can't stop crying and being pissed about the Da'vonne blindside, lashing out at Nicole and James for keeping her in the daszrk. James gets even more air time when he wins the latest America's Care Package, which gives him the power to remove two people from voting in this week's eviction - a pretty big power that he'll likely waste. Despite being warned by Da'vonne that the house planned to target him at the double eviction, Victor blissfully follows the Pauls desires. Paulie's relieved that someone else can do the dirty work of getting Zakiyah out for him. The nominations are easy and obvious, so Victor decides to be a disrespectful trashbag in the process of nominating Zakiyah and Michelle by insulting them and throwing beads at them.

Michelle uncontrollably sobs after being nominated, whereas the guys are laughing and high fiving. Paul thinks Michelle's emotional outbursts are a reason to keep her around because shes' weak. Paulie, on the other hand, thinks it's a reaction to boot her (and because she's the only one seeing through his BS). Paulie begins to work his puppet master ways to try and keep his girl in the house, trying to persuade James to use his power to cancel votes to assure Michelle goes home. In another step towards his masterplan, Paulie wins the house-wrecking Hide & Go Veto competition which means he can protect his beloved number/showmance Zakiyah by taking her off the block... except he doesn't. Paulie leaves the nominations the same and leaves it up to the house to decide whether to follow his commands.

Right before eviction night, Bridgette and Natalie decide they want to save Michelle. All they have to do is show the house what they're obliviously overlooking: Paulie is running the house and making moves that help him. Michelle talks to James and encourages him to use his vote removal power to make a big move. At the eviction, James removes Corey and Paul from voting and the house takes the first step forward in their independence from Paulie and evicts Zakiyah. But the night isn't over: it's Double Eviction time! And in true Big Brother fashion, it lands with a spectacular thud. Corey wins HOH and allows the bros to run his whole night, nominating Bridgette and Michelle for eviction. Corey also wins the infamous Clown Shoe veto (it's clocks this season) so he has all the power and keeps his nominations the same. Michelle changes outfits multiple times, completely calls out Nicole as a rat, then openly sobs when it's not her but Bridgette that is evicted from the Big Brother house. Well at least we got some Big Meech sobs in for what was a depressing ending to the fun momentum of ruining Paulie.

[All images credited to CBS]