February 27, 2017

The Bachelor: The Trouble with Turtlenecks

2/27/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 9

Previously on The Bachelor, Nick's ex Andi knocked on his hotel room and greeted him with a "Hello, Nick" in her best home to greeting Newman on Seinfeld. Over whiskey, Nick and Andi chat like old friends that had sex on reality TV. An innocuous comment about Nick dumping 29 girls leads Nick to say possibly 30 because he's not just getting engaged because there's a last woman standing. SHOCKER. Nick thinks it'll all workout and I'm glad he thinks that cause I sure as hell don't. Andi then gives Nick some Fantasy Suite sex advice which is bone whomever he wants, but don't make love to someone if you're not in love with someone. Hey, that's Nick's corny phrase, not mine.

Meanwhile, the four women are freezing outside on a veranda waiting for Nick to show at the Rose Ceremony. Nick gives his roses to Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa which means it's the end of the journey for Corinne and her platinum vagine. Corinne cries into Nick's arms that maybe she did something wrong or regretful, but Nick assures her there's nothing to be sorry for. We know this won't be the last of Corinne who I'm sure will fast become Jorge the Bartender's best friend in Paradise. Maybe Raquel the Nanny will get an invite too. Basically, Corinne will get the red carpet treatment because she's entertainment gold.

The windy outdoor Rose Ceremony was prep work for the show's next destination: snowy Finland! It's got a lush winter landscape perfect for pondering relationships on hotel balconies while wearing a winter beanie.

Raven is Nick's first overnight date and they get hop in a helicopter to take in the breathtaking views, which they miss partially due to making out. Then they head to a pub to play darts, take shots, and talk family. Raven is nervous about the Fantasy Suite and what happens in there AKA sex. Raven's got lots of secrets to confess on this date: she's never said "I love you" to her ex and she proclaims her love for Nick. You can rank your favorites. For what it's worth, Raven's profession of love is actually sweet and how love should be easy and that's what she feels with Nick. Nick busts out the Fantasy Suite card and Raven accepts with one more secret: she's never had an orgasm before. Nick blushes and they head to the room to smooch.

And then we're FREE! Only a one hour episode! But next week 3. UGHHHHH.

[All images credited to ABC]

February 20, 2017

The Bachelor: Nick Meets the Families (and Raquel the Nanny)

2/20/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 8

The girls are all still freaking out about Nick dumping Kristina before the Rose Ceremony, worried that he'll only do three hometowns because he's a rogue Bachelor. But fear not, there are still four hometown dates and Nick forgoes the formal ceremony to give Raven, Rachel, Vanessa, and Corinne roses.

First stop on the hometown date tour is Hoxie, Arkansas where Raven takes Nick around on the perfect small town country date. The cops AKA Raven's brother bust up their date at the grain bin, but they head back for some muddin' fun on four wheelers. Nick and Raven kiss in the swamp, which is a sentence I never anticipated typing but this is the 21st season of The Bachelor and new ideas are rare. They bathe at some point before heading over to meet Raven's parents who share some good news: her father is cancer-free. It's an emotional night for the father/daughter which then has to be shared with this weird date with the poly-amorous guy she's been dating. Raven has been guarded ever since her cheating ex so her mom hopes that she's not too guarded and can say "I love you" to Nick. Nick doesn't really ask permission to get engaged but moreso asks if he's OK with it, which is exactly what I'd expect Nick to say since I don't think he wants to be engaged (Dad says yes, by the way). At the end of the night, Raven chokes on her big chance to tell Nick she loves him.

Nick visits Rachel's hometown of Dallas, Texas where she takes Nick to church to probably make sure he doesn't burst into blames. Or to understand more of what makes her the person she is and gauge his comfort level in a predominantly black church ("Amen is Amen," says the profound words of Nick). Nick then gets to meet all of Rachel's family except her dad who has work obligations. Nick wins over the family with his adoration of Rachel and good answers about interracial dating, not to mention his ability to identify okra on a plate. Rachel's mom asks the tough questions but also trusts Rachel's judgement. Rachel and Nick kiss goodbye and she knows she's falling in love with him.

In true Corinne fashion, she greets Nick with a monkey jump hug and then takes him shopping at an exclusive Miami mall. Corinne treats Nick to a few new outfits (after a montage of terrible looks) and then tells him she loves him over lunch. Finally we meet the family that raised Corinne or more importantly, Raquel the nanny. While Corinne tells her dad that she proclaimed her love for Nick ("We've been dating a month and a half!"), Nick gets some quality time with Raquel. Corinne's dad is concerned that Nick isn't going to make the big bucks to provide for Corinne, and she states she'll be the breadwinner. Nick gets the support of Corinne's dad after a mild grilling and lesson on how to hold a glass. Corinne and Nick smooch more before he leaves and gives him one last "I love you" for the road.

Nick puts a stamp on the ol' passport for his last hometown date in Montreal to be with Vanessa. Before he gets to meet her family, Nick meets Vanessa's special education students who help make a scrapbook of memories. If you thought a classroom of students was a lot, then you don't know Vanessa's big Italian family (and friends) who all came over to meet the reality star. Vanessa's mom takes Nick aside and wants to make sure Nick loves Vanessa for all her amazing qualities not just because she's pretty. And given the size of the family, the inquisition happens over and over. Vanessa makes it known that this relationship is something special; her mother wants her to be happy, but her sister has doubts (don't we all, Melissa the sister). After the emotional exhaustion of this visit, it all resets when Vanessa then brings Nick to meet her father. The vibe is definitely chiller due to sheer smaller crowds, but dad's got questions to ask Nick. Also he's got solid burns about Nick also feeling this way about other women on reality TV. Nick asks Vanessa's dad for his blessing to propose but is denied when he admits that he's sort of asked the other dad's too. Nick defends his feeling for Vanessa and eventually gets the yes. But when Vanessa gets a recap and hears Nick asked for other blessings, Vanessa questions that maybe he truly doesn't know who he wants to pick at the end.

With hometown visits over, Nick sips a cappuccino on a Brooklyn hotel balcony and ponders life's greatest mysteries and also who he wants to dump at the Rose Ceremony. Nick begins preparing for the Rose Ceremony when there's a knock at his door that's not room service: IT'S ANDI THE EX WHO MADE LOVE TO HIM WHEN SHE LOVED SOMEONE ELSE!

[All images credited to ABC]

February 13, 2017

The Bachelor: Platinum Vagine

2/13/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 7

Nick's all shook up after his emotional double dumping on the 2-on-1 date. Nick seems solace and advice from Chris Harrison, because who the hell else is he allowed to talk to? Nick's concern is this process won't work for the fourth time. I hate to be a cynic buuuuut probably not. Nick heads back to the hotel to apologize to the women for barging into their hotel the night before to cry about this experience. He then begins to awkwardly ramble on about his feelings and doubts, ultimately landing on he does have strong feelings for all six remaining women. The women all exhale a major sigh of relief that Nick isn't quitting and they're all heading to Bimini, a real place I had to Google.

Vanessa gets her second 1-on-1 date which requests they "get deeper" and I'll refrain from the obvious jokes that I reeeeeally want to make. Nick takes Vanessa on a yacht, which is apparently Vanessa's first boat ride ever (I guess she's never boarded the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disney World before). The two have genuine conversations about Nick's feelings and Vanessa's feelings and they're back in a good place. They debark to snorkel and makeout by a shipwreck, which is truly a metaphor for this season. Vanessa and Nick dry off and head into their "dinner" where Vanessa thanks Nick for all the firsts and teases more firsts for them (saying "I love you" not banging!) Vanessa hopes to introduce Nick to her family next week and expresses that she hasn't had feelings like this in years: it's love. Vanessa is falling in love and he has feelings as well, but is only going to say it to one woman this season AKA not pulling a Higgins. Turns out that is not the answer Vanessa wanted to hear and now she's concerned she might end up the heartbroken one at the end of this.

Kristina, Raven, and Corinne are chosen for the group date, which infuriates Corinne since she's never received a 1-on-1 date. Girl, it's cause you are group date gold and the only generator of conflict. The only date rose of the week is also on the line so everyone is trying to up their ante to get Nick's attention. It's another yacht date because god forbid anyone grab some travel brochures for Bimini before going there. However the yacht does stop to do something cool: swim with sharks! And not in cages! Poor Alexis the dolphin lover who dressed like a shark would have loved this date. Kristina gets freaked out and bails early, so Nick comforts her on the boat and it annoys Corinne. Fast forward to the night portion of the date, where Nick gets teary about having to break five more hearts. Raven opens up about leaving law school after her father was diagnosed with lung cancer and knows they'll be excited to meeting him. Corinne finally gets her alone time and expresses her disappointment at always being a group date girl and Nick's like, chill I talk to you all the time. The night ends with the super exclusive date rose going to Raven and they ditch the other two for a semi-private concert by some good looking dude.

Danielle M, the last Danielle standing, joins Nick for a 1-on-1 date that doesn't take place on a yacht: they ride bikes. With swim trunks that tight, I'm shocked Nick didn't rip the crotch trying to pedal. The couple buys some trinkets and shoot hoops with local kids, but when it comes time to have a conversation Nick and Danielle struggle. Fast forward to their nighttime date where the conversation is as dull as the daytime iteration. Danielle is having a difficult time because the last time her family met a guy, her previous fiance, he passed away. She decides to open up to Nick about how much she cares for him but Nick doesn't see himself falling in love with Danielle so he lets her go. The end of the reign of Danielles.

Concerned of losing the affection of Nick and the chance at a hometown date, Corinne throws on her cute romper to surprise Nick at his hotel room. They pop open the champagne and have unofficial 1-on-1 time which Corinne hopes will lead to her sexing Nick up with her "platinum vagine." They head to the bedroom and start getting sexy with the mics on before Nick stops her. Listen, he's already created chaos on one season with early sex, he's not doing it again.

Nick takes Rachel out for the last date of the episode, sipping beers at a local outdoor bar and talking about her family. Nick wants to know how a family visit would be and she gives him the 411. Rachel has never brought home a white guy and her family will likely be skeptical but maybe that's because this is Nick's fourth time dating on reality TV. After shooting the shit with the friendly bartender and signing their names, they makeout on a dock. It's the fastest Bachelor date ever probably because Rachel is a guaranteed hometown date.

While it seems like a Rose Ceremony may actually happen on an episode, Nick throws us a curveball and decides to dump the woman in private. Nick heads to the women's cabana and asks Kristina to talk for a second. He has stronger relationships with the other women right now which hurts her, as she feels Nick didn't give her as much of a chance. Nick doesn't want Kristina to go but unfortunately he has to let her go. Kristina cries and then all the other girls cry because maybe more will be eliminated. Guess we'll find out next week.

[All images credited to ABC]

February 6, 2017

The Bachelor: Calling All the Basic Beaches

2/06/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 6

Picking up from last week's cliffhanger, Taylor resurrects herself from the bayou to interrupt Nick and Corinne's date to call her a liar one last time. It doesn't work and Corinne and Nick continue to makeout while she gloats about having a rose. Speaking of rose, there's a Rose Ceremony! Nick doesn't even need to time to fake talk to the ladies at a cocktail party and gets right down to rose business. The trio of roseless ladies are Josephine, Jaimi, and Alexis the dolphin shark, just one date away from potentially seeing marine wildlife in St. Thomas.

Nick's first date in St. Thomas is a 1-on-1 with Kristina, who we know little about except she's a dentist with a Russian accent. Over beers, Kristina reveals a bit more about her family then heads out in the ocean with Nick to kiss in the waves. After honestly two minutes of day date airtime, the show jumps right to fake dinner date. Kristina shares that while she has a sister, her sister lived with her dad. Kristina and her now deceased mother were extremely poor, so much so that Kristina ate lipstick because she was hungry. Kristina ended up in an orphanage until she was 12 years old when she was adopted. Nick admires Kristina's strength and apparently had a good time (which we apparently didn't see), so he gives her the date rose. They leave dinner to partake in some dancing and smooching by a steel drum band and a group of local dancers.

The group date girls (Rachel, Raven, Jasmine, Corinne, Danielle M, and Vanessa) meet Nick to take a catamaran ride on the sparkling ocean and head for a chill beach day. Cocktails and cornhole aren't quite the fun level the girls want, so they throwback some shots and play volleyball. Turns out Nick's idea for a fun group beach day is a total disaster. Corinne passes out drunk, Jasmine is livid that she's never had a 1-on-1 date, and all the others girls hate having to compete to get Nick's attention. Nick hopes the night portion of the date won't be such a hot mess, apologizing to the women for their shitty day. This is basically the Festivus date with all the girls airing their grievances about the polyamory process. As each girl gets alone time and Jasmine is left on the couch to sip red wine, she's bubbling with anger over being ignored. Nick finally takes Jasmine aside and she puts it all out there for him, including wanting to choke him (a joke choke, guys!) Nick has a moment of clarity and/or fear, and dumps Jasmine on the group date.

Danielle L and Whitney are in the worst predicament of them all: a 2-on-1 Thunderdome date. The Corinne vs. Taylor date was over-hyped, but the two women on this week's date are TV bores even when given The Bachelor blessing of a helicopter date. Nick, Whitney, and Danielle are dropped off on a gorgeous beach with a giant bed for them to all awkwardly sit on. Nick gets alone time with both women but ultimately dumps Whitney, which surprises her but not us since none of us know who she is. Nick peaces out with Danielle on the helicopter and whisks her to a romantic old prison for dinner. Their conversation is as terrible and dull as always, with Danielle talking about how dancing is "their thing." Nick looks horrendously bored as Danielle talks about being on the same page and starting to fall in love with him. If his face wasn't a giveaway, then the actual rejection is and Nick opts to send Danielle home also. 

The women are surprised that both pieces of luggage were taken away, but even more surprised when a snot-sniffling Nick comes into their hotel room to cry that he fears this reality TV dating thing might not work out again. FOR THE FOURTH TIME.

[All images credited to ABC]

January 30, 2017

The Bachelor: Whipped Cream and Lies

1/30/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 5

Because format be damned, this week's episode picks up a the pre-Rose Ceremony fight between Corinne and Taylor. They don't like or respect each other and neither think the other is there for the right reasons. It's not as interesting as the suspenseful music tries to make it be. Corinne tells Nick that Taylor is mean, but he takes it with the smallest grain of salt. Both women survive the Rose Ceremony both via roses as well as the freezing temperature in the barn. Sarah and Astrid are eliminated and hopefully get some hot chocolate spiked with Peppermint Schnapps.

Nick and the women ditch his home state of Wisconsin and head down to New Orleans. I guess Nick didn't remember that as the Bachelor you don't need to travel to Bourbon Street to see boobs.

The first date of the week is a 1-on-1 with Rachel where they stroll around the French Quarter. But the best part of the date is getting a big plate of beignets at Cafe du Monde and me salivating at the TV. With their stomachs full of beignets, oysters, and hot sauce, Rachel and Nick join a second line brass band celebration and smooch under parasol before dancing at a club at a setup concert than we'll pretend is spontaneous. The night portion of the date keeps up the kickass New Orleans theme, with a romantic dinner among the Mardi Gras floats in the warehouse. Rachel opens up how the last time she was in a Second Line was for a funeral, which made her re-evaluate life and living her life to the fullest. Nick gets serious about asking dad's for marriage permission since he's done it kiiiind of a few times on TV. Nick "breaks the rules" by confessing he's super into Rachel and she gladly accepts the date rose with a passionate kiss atop a float.

The group date girls head out to an old plantation mansion but not just any mansion: it's a haunted house! The mansion is haunted by an eight year old girl who died of yellow fever, but since there's an open bar of mint juleps it's probably a chill place. There's varying levels of respect and disrespect for the house's alleged spirits, so they bust out a Ouija board and ask the important haunted questions: "Will Nick get engaged?" and "Who will get the date rose?" Eventually they ask Mae a question of the lights in the house cut out and flicker because, of course. Nick and a few girls head upstairs to investigate while other girls sit around the Ouija board talking about Corinne and Taylor, yet aren't smart enough to ask Ouija who survives the date. Nick takes a break from hunting child ghosts to have alone time with the women, where Raven tells Nick she fell in love with him. Nick gives the date rose (in a Beauty in the Beast product placement glass cover) to Danielle M which is pretty disrespectful to child ghost Mae, but I guess appreciative of her.

The 2-on-1 Thunderdome date is OF COURSE Corinne vs. Taylor, bitter rivals until the end. Their battle to the death (OK, to the rose) takes place out on the Bayou where I'm assuming the losers remains will be dumped for the alligators to feast on. The girls are brought out to a voodoo priestess and a reader to get their tarot cards read. Taylor's reading tells her to not engage with toxic energy. Speaking of toxic energy, Corinne tells Nick that she felt "bullied" by Taylor. Corinne's reading tells her that the words she says cause damage, then Corinne asks how to make a voodoo doll to harm a person. Toxic energy! When the girls are reunited, Taylor confronts Corinne about the lies she told Nick. Nick rolls up to the tension-filled table with his date rose and gives it to Corinne which should come as a shock to no one. Taylor gets left behind in the bayou where I assumed Taylor would be forced to spend the rest of her life, but she escapes to return to the mainland and interrupt Nick and Corinne and tell her side of the story.

[All images credited to ABC]

January 23, 2017

The Bachelor: That's So Raven

1/23/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4

Picking up from last week, Vanessa isn't here to date a guy that's just looking to bang around and do this Corinne nonsense. Corinne is blissfully unaware that the house hates her until Taylor and Sarah awake her from her slumber to let her know the jump castle ploy was not cool. Everyone hopes Nick will send Corinne home tonight but none of them remember this is a TV show and it's only week 4. The villainess receives the last rose of the night, which shocks all the girls except any person watching this show at home. Christen and Brittany are sent home and Corinne gives a cringey speech to annoy the girls.

It's time to evict the tenants from the Bachelor mansion for their first exotic destination of the season: Milwaukee, Wisconsin!!!! Nick's parents make a brief cameo to hear about the experience and then he's off to tend to his harem again.

Nick takes Danielle L on the first 1-on-1 date this week, strolling around his hometown of Waukesha where Nick points out all the places he's madeout or gotten action. After eating "Nick-erdoodle" and Chris Harrison decorated cookies, they "coincidentally" run into Nick's ex-girlfriend Amber and it's very anti-climactic. Nick and Danielle head to a field where Nick continues his legacy of fooling around in public Waukesha places. They head off to a hotel lobby for cocktails and conversation which is about 40% divorce talk and 60% Danielle giggling. The conversation is good for Nick (and the plunging neckline doesn't hurt either) so Danielle receives the rose and the honor of slow dancing in front of a crowd while some no-name musician performs. 

The group date girls are carted off to a dairy farm where they're greeted by Nick feeding a baby calf. Despite it's farm-centric theme, there is unfortunately no cameo by Chris Soules. I'm sorry. The girls are put to work doing farm chores like feeding and milking the cows. But farm life is far from glamorous and in the circle of farm life sometimes you've got to shovel poop. Corinne may run a multi-million dollar company but apparently has never performed chores in her life and leaves the date to go pout on a rock. The girls hopefully got a chance to shower before putting on their fancier clothes to have cocktails with Nick. Nick connects with Kristina the dentist and then receives a scrapbook from Vanessa that her students made. Corinne is realizing the girls dislike her and after comparing herself to a layered corn husk, so she tries to apologize while the girls point out the total BS of sleeping through a Rose Ceremony. Kristina gets the group date rose which is the perfect way to continue irking Corinne.

The final date of the episode is a 1-on-1 with Raven, who's been fairly lowkey this season minus some throwaway comments about Nick's libido. She feels like a 1-on-1 date in Nick's hometown is an extremely special gesture, which must make it even more mind-blowing when Raven gets to meet Nick's little sister and parents at soccer practice. The date moves on to the greatest day ever at the roller rink, skating and playing arcade games (how did a child get into the claw machine??) Kid sis Bella is a big Raven fan, as we all are as she seems genuine and real. Cue the skating montage to Sixpence None the Richer's "Kiss Me" for some lead-up to the big kiss. A romantic dinner is setup for Nick and Raven at the Milwaukee Art Museum where Raven regales him with the tale of catching her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. Raven explains that this crappy ex made her realize what a smart, wonderful, catch she is who deserves better. Nick of course gives Raven the date rose and they rollerblade through the museum.

Everyone heads to a barn for the next Rose Ceremony where tensions are rising between Corinne and Taylor. Taylor thinks Corinne is immature and not ready for a relationship. Corinne thinks Taylor is fake, stuck up, and mean - never call the girl who runs a multi-million dollar company an idiot! The volume gets louder and the others begin to hear the conversation. But not all of it because it's to be continued. Again.

[All images credited to ABC]