March 11, 2019

The Bachelor: Don't Tell, Show (and Dump)

3/11/2019 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Finale - Night 1

Chris Harrison and the producers get into a van to hunt down Colton, Live PD style. Eventually, they retrieve an emotionally exhausted and dejected Colton walking down the street and is ready for this whole thing to be over. The next morning, Chris Harrison comes to talk to Colton in his hotel room and the dude is heartbroken over going on without Cassie. He was falling for the other two girls, but in love with Cassie and thinks she loves him too but having two other girls in the picture scared her. "Or she's just not that into you," says Chris Harrison, the blunt speaker of possible truths.

Colton decides to not just tell but show Cassie she's the one. And so Colton heads to Tayshia's hotel room and ends things with her, so much so as saying he straight-up loves Cassie to Tayshia's face. Tayshia requests an off-camera conversation and her wish is actually granted of no-cameras, but their microphones are still on as they talk, cry, and hear pounding heartbeats. Tayshia grabs her purse and gets in the van to leave. Cut to, Tayshia reliving this at the live reunion in front of an audience and understanding that when he came to her hotel room and he seemed shaken she knew bad news was coming. Then Colton comes out with his hideous hair (WTF is happening dude??), and Tayshia wonders what was missing (he was all-in on Cassie, basically). Well I stan Tayshia for Bachelorette but I know this show will pick a blander choice, but please know Tayshia has my heart.

After what seems like 800 years, Hannah G actually appears on this show and is so excited for her Colton time. She has no clue what's coming and he informs Hannah G that he has stronger feelings for someone else and he loved Cassie. For a long time he thought it would be Hannah because she reminds him of "home" (what does that even mean??), but his heart went another way. She's crushed and blindsided. Even Colton doesn't know if he's doing the right thing and he sobs in the hallway, comforted by a producer. Colton wonders if he gave up a "for sure thing for something that isn't even possible." But he's willing to give it all up for Cassie. Cut to, Hannah G watching this all in front of the audience. Confused is Hannah's buzzword, but she's no longer in love with Colton because she deserves to be loved back. Hannah felt fairly led on with no reasons it would be a no (plus he got blessings), but why didn't she get maybe a little more of a chance? Colton didn't want to make her a backup plan because she didn't deserve it, and after the Cassie heartbreak he didn't want to be The Bachelor anymore and wasn't going to do a date he wasn't into. Hannah wants jumping-over-the-fence-for-me love and she's over this flop.

And THEN there's more filler, with ex-Bachelor Ben Higgins and Blake, Jason, and Garett - Colton's buddies from last season. It is not at all valuable.

Skip to, sad crying Colton knocks on the door to Cassie's room for a cliffhanger OF COURSE.


[All images credited to ABC]


March 10, 2019

The Bachelor: Colton Jumps the Fence

3/10/2019 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 9 - Fantasy Suites and Women Tell All

It's Fantasy Suite week and we've been waiting all season for it. Not because we want to see Colton bang (but the show does), but because he finally jumps the fence that we've seen in all the previews! Off to Algarve, Portugal to get it started and maybe Colton will make sweet, sweet love to someone he's in love with.

Colton and Tayshia hop on a helicopter to escort them to an epic cliffside view where they rehash the visit to Tayshia's hometown and make a lot of virginity jokes. Bone zone or not, Colton knows this overnight time without cameras is a good time to really get to know another person. Tayshia understands Colton's resistance to talk about his virginity (Ummm it's like all we hear about), and she opens up that she only slept with her ex-husband before marrying him and he cheated on her. Tayshia's excited for the next step and since her boob keeps falling out of her romper, seems like she's very ready to potentially be Colton's first. But she's not. Maybe some things happened, maybe they just talked and slept, but Colton's virginity is still intact. Also still intact, the breakfast setup for them that they never touch because Colton leaves pretty early. Colton's not in love with Tayshia yet but says hey maybe, you can't force feelings.

For date number 2, Colton and Cassie go full tourist complete with a convertible, feeding each other dessert, checking out shops, and smooching against alley walls. Colton's totally smitten with Cassie and can't keep his hands off her, which is what he wants in a wife. In fact, Colton believes his night with Cassie may be the night he finally enters the Bone Zone. Cassie is falling for Colton but also wishes they had more time and is thrown for a loop when Colton reveals that her dad did not give the marriage blessing during hometown dates. The fact that Cassie's family isn't sold on her relationship with Colton makes her really confused, so the show really ups the ante.

As Cassie prepares for the night portion of the date, she gets a surprise at the door: her dad. Cassie's dad wants her to think really hard about this possible commitment and if she's truly ready because she seems conflicted. Cassie isn't ready for the relationship to end, but also isn't sure about a potential proposal at the end. Sooo, the gossip in the house that she wasn't ready isn't totally wrong. Dad tells Cassie that you can't force feelings and there shouldn't be any doubt when she's found the one. And with doubts swirling in her mind about everything, Cassie heads to the night portion of the date and makes a bold decision: she's ending things with Colton. She loves Colton but she's not in love with Colton. He's absolutely crushed because he's in love with Cassie and wants to be with her and will be patient if she wants time. And thus begins Colton's breakdown after getting his heart destroyed. He hightails it out of his unused Fantasy Suite and bolts, hopping over the fence, and gets lost in the wilderness somewhere. Will we ever find Colton????? Oh yeah, probably, because he's at the Women Tell All.

And just when this week should be over, it's the Women Tell All special AKA be noticed enough to ensure your Bachelor in Paradise slot. So we get to endure Nicole and Onyeka again, and Courtney trying to shove a pacifier into Demi's mouth. You can't even hear what the women are telling because they're all shouting over each other. Caelynn tries to defend the conversation her and Cassie had about being The Bachelorette, but Katie insists Caelynn wasn't there for the right reasons and admitted over-the-phone the truth. Demi gets in the hot seat because she's great, and for some reason, Nicole gets a visit to the hot seat because she cries a lot and free year's supply of Halo Top ice cream. Hannah B's hot seat visit is an obvious campaign for Bachelorette because of her staunch belief of thinking everyone deserves a strong love that loves them back, with Chris Harrison toasting to her finding "fierce love". Caelynn gets really emotional watching the playback video and was blindsided by Colton dumping her. Colton comes out with a really weird haircut? Or maybe the color? Weird makeup? It's very Jake Pavelka and that's not a compliment. Colton still has no good answer to give Caelynn any true closure except that he didn't love her. The fence jump is discussed and Colton explains it feels crappy to not be loved back and just because you're The Bachelor doesn't mean you're invincible and guaranteed to have every girl love you. Then the bloopers roll and Colton says "Nailed it!" A LOT. And so now we wait to see how Colton's love story will end? Is this a psych-out like past seasons? Will Hannah G get a Fantasy Suite? Does Colton chase after Cassie? Has Colton banged? All answers to come in in the finale.

[All images credited to ABC]


March 3, 2019

Survivor Edge of Extinction: Let's Have a Dialogue

3/03/2019 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 2

Reem finds out Edge of Extinction has no defined timeline except her own personal limits, so if at any time she wants to quit she can raise a flag. So she spends her time starving and crying alone on a deserted island, as we all probably would.

Back in the main game, the Kama tribe remains hellbent of getting rid of the returnees despite the tribe getting along well and their skillful moves for Ron's dream dance-number entrance to the next Immunity Challenge. Since Joe is defined as the physically strong one, the target on Aubry grows even bigger, especially after the newbies compare notes and see Aubry has tried to have "a dialogue" with each of them. Good news for Kama is that Manu is much more of a mess and scattered in their plans. Wendy feels like she's next to go and puts all the blame on Kelley, trying to loop in Rick (who is apparently getting the last night treatment "Devens") and David - and David's sort of open to the idea of cut-her-before-she-cuts-me. But in order to blindside Kelley, they need to get a majority and sharing the plan with the wrong person could make it all backfire. Speaking of secrets, Kelley's #1 fan Lauren finds a Hidden Immunity Idol but keeps it super secret and rehides it in the sand to keep it away from nosy folks because unlike men, women don't have junk to hide it. Speaking of junk, CBS censors, you sure it's a good idea to leave men in their wet undies instead of a swimsuit?


The Immunity Challenge this week requires swimming and carry a giant, heavy snake through the water and nailing ring toss. Manu initially falls behind due to Keith's swimming and a lack of strength to lift the snake, but catches up and loses the ring toss battle - also in part due to Keith. Wardog thinks the tribe should target Keith because he's a challenge liability whereas Wendy is a good swimmer and does well, but Kelley would rather vote off the person actually targeting her. Keith is such a nice, loyal guy so Chris wonders if maybe they should blindside Kelley and keep Keith - just like David and Rick/Devens wanted! But then Chris tells the plan to Wardog who is opposed to the whole plan and thinks she's a better shield to keep around if there's a tribe swap.


Tribal Council time! Probst asks if the people who got votes at the first Tribal Council are nervous, and both didn't love the feeling. Kelley defends why she needs to remain in the game, including her strength since this tribe is a clunker. Keith get asks about keeping the tribe strong when his performance was, and I quote Jeff Probst, "a disaster." Keith hopes his loyalty and trust will be more valuable. The tribe is sure this vote will be a blindside, but it's not to Wentworth as teased. Alas, Keith and his bad challenge skills are voted off the tribe and as he gets to the Edge of Extinction sign he can't make up his mind which way to go. Guess we'll find out next week.

[All images credited to CBS]


February 26, 2019

The Bachelor: Colton's Falling In Love with Everyone

2/26/2019 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 8 - Hometown Dates

Caelynn kicks off hometown date week at the highest level: a horsedrawn carriage to get soft serve ice cream. Then comes the whole meeting-the-family-part where apparently they invited any distant relative for a barbeque. Caelynn's stepdad can't stop watching from a distance out of fear they're making hasty decisions (or just dude hates PDA and watching his daughter get fed). Caelynn's mom is having a hard time processing meeting Colton and then in like a week, her daughter might be engaged to him. Caelynn's stepdad recommends instead her and Colton be friends. I mean, it's a possibility if she gets to be The Bachelorette. While Colton is falling in love with Caelynn, he knows there are more discussions to have. Good thing they would have one whole Fantasy Suite date to cover those looming questions! Stepdad questions if Colton is really ready to be married, but with some assurance gives his blessing. I'm sure Caelynn's mom is totally cool with it, but no need to asked her. Now that her family can see their connection, Caelynn ends the night by telling Colton she loves him.

Hometown date #2 brings Colton to Birmingham, Alabama to meet Hannah G's family. But first, Hannah brings Colton to etiquette lessons to get trained on being a southern gentleman (not re-enacting A League of Their Own like I hoped). After Colton learns the proper way to eat a roll with butter, the teacher basically says be yourself and protect Hannah or something. I forget, I just really want a roll with butter now. Onto dinner where Colton makes what seems like a nice toast but Hannah's mother doesn't like it, especially knowing that her daughter could be heartbroken at the end. Hannah's sisters bring up the virginity and she isn't bothered by it. Hannah assures her mother her feelings for Colton and genuine, and her mother accepts her growth as a woman. Colton gets dad's blessing and never talks on-camera to Hannah G's mom nor gets her blessing. Hey guys, moms care too. Anyways, Hannah tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says he's falling in love with her. Sound familiar?

Colton arrives in Orange County, California only to be immediately blindfolded by Tayshia and brought to the airport for some skydiving. Colton accepts the payback for making Tayshia bungee jump with him previously and enjoys the ride. Or fly? As the sun sets by the airplane hanger, Tayshia tells Colton she's falling in love with him and he says he's falling in love with her. That's 3 for 3! Tayshia's family is welcoming of Colton but also very protective since she's been through a divorce before. Dad says just don't lead Tayshia, or any of the women, along in this process and be honest with Tayshia if Colton is dropping "I love yous" to everyone (fun fact: despite saying he would, Colton at no point has told Tayshia he's given the same schpiel to all the women). This dad, however, isn't as quick to give a marriage blessing because he just met this dude. Tayshia and her dad have a great heart-to-heart about how much Colton means to her but also his concerns as a dad not wanting to see his daughter hurt, but he also trusts her instincts and decides to give the blessing afterall.

Last stop is Huntington Beach, California to see Cassie and get a surfing lesson. Cassie feels strongly for Colton but isn't dropping the ILUs as easily as the others. Cassie's dad is giving a watchful eye as Colton is all touchy-feely on his daughter, wondering if he does the same with the other girls (yes, he does). Cassie gushes to her sister about Colton and thinks maybe she's falling in love with him, but doesn't want to feel rushed to say it and sees the potential that's why she's sticking around. Her sister says if there's any doubt, don't feel pressured into it. Colton tells Cassie's mom he's falling in love with her and they have undeniable chemistry, which is a weird thing to tell a mom. Dad reminds Cassie she's 23 and doesn't need to rush into a forever decision. Despite the nice talk together, dad can't give a premature blessing and it's a downer for Colton. Also, Cassie doesn't end the date with an "I'm falling in love you" like everyone else so it's another kick in the balls for Colton.

The four women reconvene at a fully re-done barn or something for the Rose Ceremony. Someone won't be going to the potential Bone Zone with Colton and he has to follow his heart to get there. Hannah G, Tayshia, and Cassie receive roses, which blows my mind to see Caelynn gone as I thought she was kind of a shoo-in. Caelynn feels like an idiot for thinking this was going to work out and even picturing their future together, but it's hard to not picture the future when Colton literally tells you he sees their dog and kids and stuff. Caelynn leaves crying, while the other 3 start pondering what's going to happen in the Fantasy Suites with virginal Colton.

[All images credited to ABC]


February 24, 2019

Survivor Edge of Extinction: Reem to the Extreme

2/24/2019 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 1

Fourteen new castaways are preparing to be marooned in the middle of the ocean for the 38th season of Survivor, but they're not alone. No, not the camera crew. There are four returnees competing alongside them: Joe Anglim AKA Joey Amazing, Kelley Wentworth, David Wright, and Aubry Bracco. Jeff Probst hammers home to everyone that Survivor is an unpredictable game where you have to push yourself further than you ever imagined and this is all subtle Probst hyperbole to not out the big secret twist of the season. In this season, after being voted out, you can choose to go home or go to the Edge of Extinction for a chance to get back in the game. And with that, the tribes start hustling and grabbing supplies, fruit, etc. before paddling off to their new homes.

Returnees Kelley and David are placed on the Manu tribe with blue buffs and ingratiate themselves fairly well despite being obvious threats. After tribemate Keith nearly drowned in the marooning, Reem and Wendy (who has mild Tourettes) give him some swimming lessons. This trio is viewed as the tribe's weakest members, and more annoying since Reem touched everyone's laundry, so they're easy early targets. Over on Kama beach and sporting yellow buffs, Aubry and Joe try to lay low as the returnees and get the newbies to trust them. It's hard for Joe to fly under the radar though when he's the guru for all things survival related and makes fire without flint. Newbies Eric and Gavin agree that a new player should win this season because returnees have had their chance, and plan to go after Aubry first since Joe is a great shield. Also, the first Secret Advantage of the season is found by school teacher Ron, who snagged it at the marooning. Ron finds the Advantage Menu, an ala carte choice of three different advantages but he must use it by the third Tribal Council.

The first Immunity Challenge is an intense obstacle course, which gives Kelley the first head wound of the season. The giant slide puzzle is the deciding factor and the Kama tribe wins immunity and the Manu tribe will be the first to visit Tribal Council. The Manu divide is obvious, but when Reem suggests breaking up returnee Kelley and newbie Lauren's initial tight bond, it's Keith who fills the majority in on Reem's schemes and that really helps seal the target-deal on her. Oh and because she's deemed weaker than Wendy, likely because she's an older woman - a common Survivor trope. Wardog suggests voting off Wendy instead because regardless of the bigger plan, Wendy insists on voting with Reem. Reem is not a happy camper when she gets wind of being the target and isn't going out without a fight, or a sharp machete.

Tribal Council time! Probst asks about the tribe's initial dynamic and any pairings, but he's quick to transition the conversation into Reem's noticeably bad mood because she's doomed. Kelley says her name and Lauren's were thrown out too, so it doesn't feel good regardless if you're new or returning. Reem says Kelley's name being a target is an honor because she's a legend. Yeah but legends ain't coming to be first boot. This Tribal Council is the Reem show and we're all here for it as she defends herself and actions. Reem knows the age and mom-card are against here, and even though Wendy is her friend she can tell Reem's fate is sealed. Reem's loved ones told her before the show "Don't be the first one to get voted out" and it's a bad omen, as Reem is officially the first one eliminated from the game. BUT ALAS, it's not over for Reem. When she faces the fork-in-the-road (well sign) to choose to end her game or a chance to return, Reem takes the voyage to a dark, isolated existence on the Edge of Extinction.


[All images credited to CBS]


February 19, 2019

The Bachelor: Where's the Truth?

2/19/2019 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 7

So long Asia, we're heading home! No, literally home for Colton because they're off to Denver, Colorado. After the warning from three different women that there are still girls in the competition that "aren't ready," Colton needs wisdom and guidance. Enter Ben Higgins! Ben nods while Colton talks about his dilemma about falling for multiple people, then they hug it out. Then the girls meet Colton's dog and try to put on their best "I'm here for the right reasons" face.

Colton takes Tayshia on a tour of his favorite places with his dog and I'm here for any date where a dog gets to have ice cream. Colton tells Tayshia he knows she's not a wrong reasons girl, and while Tayshia is hesitant to say something so honest she believes the recently departed were referring to Cassie and Caelynn, supposedly discussing being the next Bachelorette and saying they're not ready to get engaged. After being forced into the tattle tale spot, Tayshia and Colton head to an Airbnb apartment to cook dinner with Colton and talk a bit about her family before hometown visits. Tayshia's dad is potentially going to be a hardass since she was married before, but she's confident he'd be happy to give a blessing because she's so happy. Colton gives Tayshia the rose and they celebrate their pending hometown visit with a makeout session while Tayshia wears an "Underwood" football jersey.


Caelynn's 1-on-1 date takes her snowboarding with Colton and he puts on a truly exceptional happy face considering he's heard that she's not there for the right reasons. The snowboarding lesson is brief before cutting to the serious convo and she's upset and frustrated because she insists she's here for an engagement to Colton. It ruins the whole date as dinner is super uncomfortable and not just because it's in a random log cabin or something. Caelynn tells Colton she's totally herself with him and falling in love with him (and he with her). It's a fairly somber date overall but ends in a rose and a private concert at Red Rock Amphitheater. Good thing she got the date or this Brett Young dude and his band would've set up for no reason.


Caelynn fills Cassie in about what was said about them, then heads downstairs to confront Tayshia. Tayshia defends herself and apparently, all the girls noticed Cassie and Caelynn being most defensive about the allegations so they agreed it was them. Well, guess this friendship is over.

On the last 1-on-1 date of the week, Colton takes Hannah B to meet his family which seems like a big step and also weeks before this usually happens. Even weirder: Colton brings Hannah B to meet his family, even though he isn't feeling love for her yet and she's saying she's in love with him. Seems... mean and misleading? Colton gets actual advice worth listening to from his dad, a major upgrade from Ben Higgins (sorry Ben). Since Colton is really serious about finding his wife and sussing out the liars, he asks Hannah B to basically defend her love for him. Colton appreciates her honesty and open heart, but is honest with himself and isn't sure he is there with her and can't go to a hometown asking for a hand in marriage if he has doubts. And with that, we lose Hannah B.


The group date girls board an old choo-choo train with Colton which is less Murder on the Orient Express than I hoped. Not even a Hercule Poirot "right reasons" investigation in the dining car? Shame! On her alone-time, Heather shows her maturity by telling Colton she can't take him to her hometown when she's not totally feeling him, so it's off to the caboose for her. No seriously, she leaves alone on the caboose. There's still the Cassie of it all, and everyone knows these aren't lies. She insists she's there for Colton and doesn't understand why they'd make up these lies. Kirpa knows what ending an engagement is like and doesn't want that for Colton, so she provides the solid evidence of the two girls getting defensive after the last rose ceremony. Cassie gets upset that Kirpa threw her under the bus again, and Kirpa believes what Katie said. Well, this is going nowhere. Colton holds onto the date roses for later at dinner to make this drag out even longer. He quickly gives Hannah G the rose because he was practically banging her last week and she's not in the drama. But the drama ain't over guys because Caelynn just rolls up on the date to tell Colton more truths, but then they cut away! Colton returns and gives his rose to Cassie, because he's falling for her regardless of the she-said-she-said.


WTF happened? No idea.

[All images credited to ABC]