February 12, 2018

The Bachelor: Swirling Doubts and Declarations of Love

2/12/2018 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 7

It's off to Tuscany which shockingly Arie does not describe as sexy. He's looking forward to wine, pasta, and romantic dates (in that order). The pressure is on because there's no Rose Ceremony and next week is hometown dates, so in order to move along you need to get a date rose.

Becca K, the one that didn't graduate high school in the last four years, embarks on the first 1-on-1 date this week. Arie and Becca enjoy a picnic in Barga, where he hopes to get the romance spark back after backburning her for weeks. Wonderful news: the passion is back and we get to watch Arie and Becca kiss slowly while sitting, dancing, and up against a wall. At dinner, Arie gets the 4-1-1 on who he'd meet and Becca tells Arie she's falling for him. The feeling is mutual and Arie gives her the date rose. Woohoo, watch out Minneapolis - Arie is on his way to bore you in person!

Knowing that family visits are the next step of this dating voyage, Jacqueline the sensible realist wonders if maybe she isn't that far with Arie yet. Hell, she even wonders if she's just falling in love with the idea of falling in love. Ding ding ding! Jacqueline goes to Arie's hotel room and admits she's having "swirling doubts" and worries she'll end up in Scottsdale being like "WTF have I done?" Sure she's attracted to Arie, the repeated goodbye smooching makes that clear, but she's not confident in her feelings and says goodbye. Arie is bummed because their connection was strong (oh really, because you didn't give her a 1-on-1 until week 6).

The last Lauren standing gets a 1-on-1 date again, which frustrates the girls but they assume Arie must feel strongly for her. Last week's date was god awful, but Arie felt like there was a connection at the end of the date so he wants to give it a try again. They bike around Luca, eat gelato and pizza, and play soccer with kids yet it's still boring as well. Lauren is nervous about introducing Arie to her family since the last guy she brought home was her ex-fiance and also she's not ready to get dumped again. Over dinner, Lauren tells Arie she's falling in love with him and he promptly excuses himself from the table. It seems like a bad sign but he returns to say he's falling "deeply in love with her" and gives her the rose. Well, that one took me by surprise and honestly I don't know what the hell is happening this season.

For the final 1-on-1 date, Arie and Seinne go truffle hunting with a friendly Italian man and his truffle dog. Then they get cook and eat dinner with Julio the truffle hunter's family and in exchange they must awkwardly answer questions about their relationship. After family dinner they have a second dinner which they don't actually eat. Seinne explains she didn't talk about love a lot growing up so to be so open is different but good. Arie is wondering if Seinne is really ready for this and then goes awkwardly silent while a clock chimes ominously. Seinne isn't ready for the relationship to end but Arie isn't feeling as emotionally connected to her and says goodbye.

With two roses available that means one girl is leaving the group date all alone. Will it be Kendall, Bekah, or Tia? Arie and the women take the briefest of tours of Villa Royale before taking solo time with each women to understand what their hometown might be like. Tia is concerned that Bekah is only 22 and not as serious as the other women, so she decides to tell this to Arie because there's no better way to fall in love than about other women's feelings for you. Bekah cries when she feels she's misunderstood because she does care about Arie and also she has gray hairs, just like him. Ultimately, Arie gives his first rose to Kendall and she gets to peace out until he sees her at hometown. Now it's down to Tia and Bekah who get dressed up for one last uncomfortable group dinner and some final pleas. Ultimately, Arie gives Tia the rose and sends Bekah home.  Honestly guys, I truly do not understand the choices that happened this episode. Do you?

Next week: calling four different hometowns "sexy."


[All images credited to ABC]


February 5, 2018

The Bachelor: Arie Compliments Paris A Lot

2/05/2018 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 6

While Fort Lauderdale is an irresistible destination for telling a love story, the show decides to head to Paris, France which now that I think of it is more romantic than Fort Lauderdale. Chris Harrison works overtime this week, talking to Arie on a bench and announcing the date lineup for the week. As soon as the phrase "2-on-1 date" comes out of Chris Harrison's mouth, season villain Krystal knows it is her destiny to be on this date.

The last Lauren standing gets the first 1-on-1 date of the week which involves taking in the beautiful sights of Paris while Arie says "that's pretty" and Lauren replies "wow" a bunch of times. The extremely boring day portion moves into a romantic dinner portion where Arie tries to get Lauren to come out of her shell. Lauren's difficulty to trusts leads Arie to reveal a huge piece of his life: his most serious relationship broke up with him after she miscarried their child and he was travelling for racing. Lauren lets her guard down and tells Arie about her failed engagement. It's not the most thrilling date but it's real emotions being shared and Arie thinks Lauren is amazing so he gives her the rose.

After the snoozefest that was the first date, the night livens up a bit with the group date's trip to the Moulin Rouge. But instead of the big group performance, the date turns into a competition during the cocktail party. Whichever girl gets the group date rose will get to perform onstage at Moulin Rouge with Arie. Honestly... just throw it. Bekah M gets the group date rose I guess because Arie likes that she's so into him now that she got jealous of another girl getting a date. So they head back to Moulin Rouge and Arie poorly lip syncs in French while Bekah dances around him. The height of entertainment. 

Kendall and Krystal are chosen for the 2-on-1 date and while Krystal was a given, I'd like to think Kendall was chosen for alphabetical proximity. Playing venue for this season's Thunderdome is a gorgeous chateau where Arie plays tour guide and hides in a hedge maze because that worked out well in The Shining. Arie brings up Krystal talking behind his back instead of bringing issues right to him, and I guess that's all enough because they makeout. But then Krystal throws Kendall under the bus, saying Kendall's not ready to be in love. Arie tells Kendall about this smack talk, which fires her up and leads Kendall to confront Krystal about her hurtful behavior but also try to set her on the right path. "I don't really have words," Krystal replies. Arie extends the date to dinner to continue to awkwardness, including Krystal insisting she doesn't have a hard time connecting with people (SURE, GIRL). Krystal delivers more of her classic bullshit to Arie and it seems like he's finally figured our her game. Arie gives Kendall the date rose and takes her up to smooch on the top of the Eiffel Twoer, leaving Krystal behind to get a view of the Eiffel Tower from the restaurant window. While I'm glad to see this tired storyline end, it's also the only interesting thing that's happened in six weeks so... a new chapter begins.

The last 1-on-1 date of the week goes to Jacqueline who has had little to no airtime until this date so this should be interesting. The swanky vintage Triumph dies upon pickup so instead they have to take a cab. Um, why didn't you take the Jurassic Park Jeep that was behind you??? Ok back to this boring Bachelor. Arie takes Jacqueline shopping for a fancy new dress then brings her to a romantic private dinner. Jacqueline is very straight-forward and direct which is super refreshing, as she wonders if she's an "experiment" for a date and has felt left behind. Arie is intimidated by her intelligence and is concerned Jacqueline won't be able to pursue her PhD dreams and would give that up if they were together. Jacqueline just wants to keep trying to date Arie and even with this educational speedbump on the map, Arie gives her the rose and they kiss a lot.

Arie commences the Rose Ceremony by yet again complimenting Paris and I feel like there's a good chance he might give a rose to the city of Paris. After handing out his roses, Arie bids adieu to Chelsea and Jenna. But all is not well as Lauren is in a bad mood about potentially being on this show and not getting picked.

[All images credited to ABC]


January 29, 2018

The Bachelor: Frogging and Bowling All Night Long

1/29/2018 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 5

Arie takes the women to Fort Lauderdale, Florida because it's "sexy" and has yachts. Or maybe because he has the habits of a retired man. The only thing more surprisingly than this lame date destination is Maquel returns to the show after her grandmother's funeral.

Chelsea the single mom, her only characterization thus far, joins Arie on a yacht for the first 1-on-1 date of the week. So many cringe-worthy things happen on this date including re-enacting Titanic which might be part of maritime law now, referring to the yacht and Arie as "dreamboats," and a straddle makeout sesh on a jet ski. Over dinner at a classic car museum, Arie probes more into Chelsea the single mom's life and relationship with the father of her child. The date goes well and it's interesting to see Arie asking about someone rather than talking about his own childhood. Chelsea receives the date rose, then the couple slow dances at their own private concert among old Model T's.

What begins as a group date to chug beers and find clever ways to roll bowling balls to get Arie's attention turns into a true competition to remain on the date. Blue slaughters pink but Arie feels bad sending a bunch of girls home in misery over bowling so he lets them all stay. Krystal changes from sore loser to sore winner in a split second, refusing to go on the night portion of the date because Arie is a liar and didn't consult the winners (AKA her) for an opinion about inviting the losing team. Arie decides to check on Krystal like a babysitter because he doesn't think he was being deceitful or disrespectful, he just wanted to bowl (put that on his tombstone). He tells Krystal to stay behind, know that he's disappointed, and he'll see her in a few days. Disappointed dad mode activated. The date resumes and Arie has a grand old time connecting and kiss other women. But Krystal does not listen to her scolding and comes down to the date to frustrate the girls even more. The date rose goes to Lauren who plays 20 Questions with Arie and learns the important things like Arie's go-to breakfast order (which is also my go-to of eggs over easy and wheat toast - no word on if he also orders a butterscotch chip pancake).

For the last date, Arie takes Tia on an airboat in the Everglades and get up real close to a gator. They make a pit stop to meet a real interesting character who built his own cabin, loves froggin', and serves them a buffet of frog legs, catfish, a deep fried corn on the cob - a personal invention that I need to try immediately. Former country girl Tia gets a chance to get closer to Arie while explaining the intricacies of frogging. A romantic dinner is setup in some cabin filled with nautical antiques - or maybe it's a big storage shed. Tia talks about being a doctor of physical therapy, but the conversation keeps deeper about faith and the universe. Tia then says she is falling in love with Arie and he giggles and uses a baby voice that is very discomforting. Arie gives Tia the date rose and I'm more confident than ever that this is the beginning of Tia's setup to become the next Bachelorette.

The cocktail party kicks off in the greatest way: Arie having to say he wouldn't eat human flesh, per Kendall's book of weird questions. While the goal of the night is a private conversation with Arie, to fill the time the girls have 1-on-1s with Krystal to tell her how annoying she's been. Arie tells Krystal her poor behavior put them a few steps back. Krystal plays to play cutesy that it's their first fight, but he bluntly replies it could be their last. No one wants Krystal around, but producers do. She survives another rose ceremony and Arie eliminates Ashley, Marikh, and Maquel. Everyone is annoyed.

[All images credited to ABC]


January 22, 2018

The Bachelor: Twenty Two

1/22/2018 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4

The AirBnB rental is up for The Bachelor mansion so it's time to take this dating on the road. First stop: Lake Tahoe, Nevada. Or if you're a contestant on this show: Tahoooooooooe!!

For his first 1-on-1 date, Arie takes Seinne parasailing which allows for appropriate "let it go" metaphors of love for about 35 seconds of airtime. Then they drink champagne and talk about Arie's brother's wedding and how he wanted a date with her since night one. Dinner is at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino where they switch to wine and talk about Arie's hesitance for real relationships after getting dumped by Emily. Seinne talks about her parent's difficult relationship and her race being underrepresented when it comes to love stories. Despite this being very boring to watch, a connection is made and Arie gives Seinne the rose and then brings her to a horrible concert to dance in front of a crowd.

Arie acknowledges it's a bummer Maquel had to leave due to her grandfather's death, but the group date must go one. It's a wilderness preparedness date where Arie pretends to drink pee, the girls eat bugs, and then the date splits into three groups to hike to their final destination. Everyone arrives at the idyllic cabin and strip right down to their swimsuits for time in the hot tub where Krystal stakes her prey while the others look on. Krystal is just sooo exhausted by the others girls being desperate and obnoxious to be seen, yet all she talks about is trying to get time with Arie to be noticed and then when she gets her time mopes about the women being jealous of her. The girls loathe Krystal, culminating in Tia and Caroline being confronted by Krystal for making her feel bad. For a minute I thought the date rose would go to taxidermy lover Kendall who came alive in her element, but Tia gets the group date rose for being open and vulnerable.

Bekah gets the last date of the week and the girls are super gossipy about Bekah being 14 years younger than Arie. Arie doesn't quite know this yet so it's a good thing he takes her to ride horses and not out to try and rent a car. In the midst of some hot tub smooching, Bekah feels Arie's scar which he explains was part of a car accident while racing. Over dinner, Bekah and Arie agree the conversation flows naturally between them plus there's a ton of chemistry. Arie worries he's at a different stage of life being an old man who wakes up with the sunshine and Bekah might still want to party. Then comes the big reveal which Bekah is scared to share: 22. It shocks Arie that she's so young and worries if she's ready for marriage at the end of this. To that I say, Arie... are you even ready for marriage at the end of this? Bekah tries to reassure Arie but he's completely freaked out that a woman he's falling for might not have experienced enough life to want to settle down already. Arie decides to take the risk and gives Bekah the rose.

It's almost elimination time and Krystal yet again is going on about needing time with Arie. Chris Harrison rolls up to drop the news that there will be no cocktail party and they're heading right to a Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison tells Arie the women are shocked and dismayed which sort of seems like an overstatement, but that's what Chris does best. Arie heads out to begin the Rose Ceremony but is interrupted by none other than Krystal who needs time to say yet again she feels a connection. WE GET IT. Arie and Krystal head back to the main room and the Rose Ceremony commences. Krystal gets the last rose of the evening because we've seen this show enough to know the common tropes. The night ends with the elimination Caroline and Brittany T who got just enough airtime to maybe end up on a Bachelor spinoff.

[All images credited to ABC]


January 15, 2018

The Bachelor: GLOBs and Dogs

1/15/2018 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3

The group date girls put on their wrestling finest to become GLOB: Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor (because you know, trademarks). Actual GLOW wrestlers from the 80s come to train the girls and a way too intense for a reality TV show. Their intensity is directed towards all the smirking girls, but in particular drives Bibiana and Tia to sideline tears. The ladies wipes away the tears to take on wrestling personas such as Bridezilla, Sex Kitten, Southern Belle, and my personal favorite: The Lunch Lady. The girls really deliver on some solid wrestling, but to remind everyone wrestling is fake they have Arie come out victorious in a match against Kenny from Rachel's season, an actual professional wrestler. The night ends with drinks in a trendy trailer park which is maybe the most hipstery thing I've ever typed. Bibiana complains about Krystal stealing time, but Arie doesn't care and actually gave Krystal basically the "you do you" answer when she wonders if she should be aggressive for time with him on group dates. Tia likes being comforted by Arie who was surprised the wrestling took her on such an emotional roller coaster ride. But the true winner of the date is Bekah who was a wrestling star and straddle made out with Arie, which gets her the group date rose.

Lauren S hops on a private jet with Arie for a day in Napa wine country. Over wine they share scintillating conversation about going to bed early and Arie wearing cardigans which is apparently a sign of aging. The date moves into a wine cellar for pretend dinner and more terrible conversation as Lauren rambles about everything imaginable. Arie doesn't give her the rose and has a hard time articulating why but we all watched the date so we get it. Production comes to take Lauren's bag and Krystal begins this long speech about using every moment with Arie to the fullest and everyone wants to barf.

The date card says "Love can be ruff" and the girls lose their GD minds at the spelling of ruff, which indicates a dog date. Arie is a dog lover so he's looking for someone with similar interests. Annaliese is not excited because along with bumper car trauma, she had dog trauma as well. After some light training, the girls and their assigned pups put on costumes and attempt to have the dogs performed tricks for a crowd - keyword "attempt." At least Best in Show star Fred Willard is there to emcee this awkward affair. Off to the night portion of the date and lots of women are making connections (and getting that classic Arie head-grab smooch), but Annaliese notices their lack of chemistry and feels behind the pack. Oh, dog pun! The date rose goes to Chelsea, who was happy to see Arie around kids and dogs or something. I forget, I tuned her out TBH.

Arie kicks of the cocktail party praising the good group dates and saying he's gonna have to dump someone when a connection is lacking. Bibiana sets up a romantic setting in the driveway complete with a telescope to see the stars and bed to relax on. Arie stumbles upon this surprise with Lauren B and then utilizes it the rest of the night for time with women besides Bibiana. Arie gets turned on by Bekah, who perfectly analyzes Arie's personality to be attracted to women who need him, like moms, but she doesn't need Arie to be complete. Arie gets off the driveway bed to surprise Tia with hay bales and moonshine. Continuing her stretch of awkward, Arie declines Annaliese's request for a kiss and eventually admits there is no future for them; this reality TV humiliation is another trauma to add to Annaliese's likely long list. Arie escorts Annaliese out and heads in for the Rose Ceremony, where Bibiana is left without a rose and likely a ticket to Bachelor in Paradise or whatever spin-offs are available.


[All images credited to ABC]


January 8, 2018

The Bachelor: Bumper Car Trauma

1/08/2018 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 2

Arie rolls up to The Bachelor mansion on a motorcycle and it's about 50 times less cool than it should be. Becca K hops on the hog with Arie, sadly no sidecar, and they ride up to a private wardrobe fitting with celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe, a free pair of Louboutins, and a suitcase full of exquisite jewelry from creepy icon Neil Lane. Becca gets to showoff all her new gear in front of the girls before departing for the night portion of the date all dressed to the nines. The conversation between Becca and Arie is natural and genuine, with him talking about wanting love again and her opening up about her father than passed away. Becca gets a rose, gets to keep the Neil Lane earrings, and has a night full of smooching Arie under confetti.

Everyone is surprised there is another 1-on-1 date this week and sort of a big one: Krystal takes a private plan with Arie to his hometown of Scottsdale, Arizona. Krystal gets to tour Arie's home like it's a really bad episode of House Hunters. Arie pulls out the photo album and some embarrassing home videos to show all about his life. But the biggest surprise of the date: Arie brings Krystal to his parents' house to meet them (and his brother). This is all a little intimidating to Krystal who worries she'll scare Arie off if she opens up already about her divorced parents and her homeless brother. Arie is not scared off by all this and chose her for this super early family date because he thinks she's amazing. Krystal receives the rose and gets to slow dance and kiss Arie while being serenaded by Connor something.

The group date girls are brought to the track for a demolition derby because I guess attempted vehicular homicide is one way to get to the final rose. All the girls are excited to spray paint their car and smash into each other except Annaliese who had a traumatic bumper car experience as a child. Arie comforts her and eventually a protective suit and helmet helps Annaliese calm down a little and bash into the others. But the demolition derby champion is Seinne who wins the trophy, gets celebratory milk, and maybe a little extra time with Arie, but I'm sure someone will interrupt them. At the cocktail party, Chelsea grabs Arie first to reveal her secret: she's a mom. Arie very slowly kisses Krystal and it's like time slows down in the most excruciatingly awful way imaginable. Seinne does get her time and reveals she lived in Scottsdale and went to Yale, which impresses Arie so they smooch and eventually she gets the date rose. Most girls are leaving the date happy but Bibiana is seething in anger over not getting time with Arie.

It's cocktail party time and everyone is hoping to get a little more time to prove their worth. Arie gives Brittant Y the "Most Hardcore" award from the demolition derby because she went so hard she ended up a the hospital. Arie and Bekah make out again, but this time she wears an absurdly large fur coat. Despite having a rose, Krystal interrupts for time with Arie since it's possible she won't get to talk to him again for a long time. Bibiana finally gets her alone time to learn more about Arie and Krystal interrupts a second time, which infuriates Bibiana who tells off Krystal. But good news: we learned Arie brought his dog to LA from Scottsdale. At the Rose Ceremony, despite all the drama, Bibiana gets the rose. The girls who don't get a rose had literally no airtime so I wish them well and know even with no airtime you can still get case on Bachelor in Paradise so best of luck!

[All images credited to ABC]