March 22, 2015

Survivor Worlds Apart: Drop Your Buffs, It's an Unbalanced Tribe Swap!

3/22/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4

The two hour spectacular kicks into high gear right away with a Reward Challenge. One caller guides a blindfolded pair around a course to retrieve various items, then work with a third blindfolded tribe member to lift the items to a call via a pulley. Much like every time I recap this classic challenge, there's shouting and a lot of people slamming into their stomachs and balls. Now I'm pretty much tuned out of this challenge because it's redundant, but can't help but notice Probst telling everyone to be careful when dropping their pulley since they just let it flop down. After Sierra instructs her team to "drop it," it get too literal and the whole platform falls onto Kelley, knocking her down and making her head bleed. Probst immediately stops the challenge to bring in medical. Still blindfolded, Kelly is told by medical that it's just a big gash and she'll be OK with a bandage. The challenge goes on, No Collar wins chickens and roosters, White Collar win eggs, and the Blue Collar get nothing except for Kelley's stitches and an endless amount of guilt.

Here's what is happening around the various camps. The No Collars are in celebratory mode with Nina gone, Will hopefully on their side, and chickens to eat. Jenn disagrees with the chicken slaughter, which gives her an ideal excuse to sneak away and search for the idol. Again using the "it's probably in a tree hole" theory, she finds the Hidden Immunity Idol. The White Collar tribe poaches their eggs, which leads to an interesting food discussion where Shirin reveals she slaughtered a rabbit in preparation for the show. Everyone is having Fatal Attraction flashbacks. The irritation with Shirin continues when Max doesn't want to sit her out of the next challenge so as not to hurt her feelings, which offends Carolyn instead and moves her target onto Max. And the Blue Collars won no food, so they kill and eat a snake. Rodney continues to polarize his tribe with chauvinistic comments that women have to hold themselves to higher standards than me. Lindsey gets fiesty, but Rodney thinks her face tattoo is a sign of problems. The Blue Collars are imploding.


The Immunity Challenge has the whole tribe attached to a rope which is wrapped around various challenges, ending in lifting a ball up a wall full of holes. Not more pulleys! Save Kelly! Ok they're marionette pulleys so it's not so bad. No Collar and White Collar edge out victories and secure immunity. For the first time the Blue Collar tribe is heading to Tribal Council and given the volatility of the tribe the past few episodes, this should be a real shitshow.

At this point, anyone on Blue Collar is fair game because they're all so annoying. Lindsey would like to vote out Rodney for his lack of respect for women, so Dan smiles and nods before relaying all this info. Apparently Dan, Mike, Rodney, and Kelly are a tight four, while Lindsey and Sierra are the outsiders. Did this confuse anyone else given the edit of the last three episodes? When more gross male comments come out of Rodney's mouth, Kelly and Mike question having Rodney around, especially since he's untrustworthy.


Tribal Council time! The Blue Collars get the ol' "fire is life" ritual which is always heartwarming to see before the tribe begins to implode. Lindsey and Rodney both admit they don't mesh well together. "Chicken parmesan and tuna" is Rodney's analogy because he's eloquent. The women explain why Rodney offends them, and he does nothing to make the situation better as he reiterate his feelings about women needing to hold themselves to higher standards. You do you, tool. Lindsey explains she might get annoyed but is trying not to have hard feelings because she's Blue Collar strong and bonded to this group regardless of all the drama. The tribe votes and it's a three way tie between Rodney, Lindsey, and Sierra - say whaaaat! Mike, Dan, and Kelly have to re-vote and this leads to Lindsey being eliminated.


HOUR TWO!!!

Sierra gets the speech about her receiving votes in case of an idol, but she feels alienated which is a bad thing knowing a swap could come. Dan doesn't make it super helpful when he continues to list all the reasons she's been useless before, which is the worst move because you don't want someone on the outs should tribe swap. Speaking of...

The three tribes arrive at the Reward Challenge to a "surprise." Drop your buffs, it's a tribe shuffle! The yellow buff is dumped, leaving us with two tribes: Nagarote (red) and Escameca (blue). Everyone randomly draws new buffs and apparently the Survivor gods really love imbalanced tribes. Escameca is a physical powerhouse of testerone and Sierra, including all three men from her previous tribe (Dan, Mike, Rodney), Tyler and Joaquin from White Collar, and Joe the lone gun from the No Collars. Nagarote brings over Hali, Jen, and Will from No Collar, Max, Shirin, and Carolyn from White Collar, and Kelly is the only Blue Collar on the new tribe. They immediately head into another Survivor classic challenge to launch balls from a slingshot while their tribemates catch 'em with nets. Escameca easily wins a reward of kitchen equipment, sausage, and anything White Collar won (because RIP White Collar camp).

Nagarote gives the camp tour and make introductions before the game kicks in. Being a "power trio" from White Collar, Shirin works on loner Kelly straightaway. But Shirin's charm quickly wears on her new tribe, full of singing, whistling, and TMI chats. Max gets two stingray stings and is treated by lifeguard Jenn to soak his feet in the water pot, and then everyone is grossed out that his plantars-wart-infected-feet has ruined the pot. Once again, Max and Shirin are on the outs and Carolyn is privately plotting their future blindside. The Escameca dudes are dumb enough to leave Sierra alone with her three new tribemates, and she spills the tea immediately on hating her former tribe. Mike suggests Dan apologize to Sierra, but Dan would rather give one of his long talks and run his mouth. Instead of "I'm sorry," Dan puts the blame back on Sierra because she said mean stuff too. Dan is the worst.

The first Immunity Challenge with the new tribes has some cool medieval looking weaponry. Pots will be dragged on sleds through obstacles and then set up on poles. The medieval looking wrecking ball, wrapped in chains, is then swung to smash all the pots. There's no reason to attempt to recap this. The sheer physical strength of Escameca totally overpowers Nagarote, leading to an easy victory in the challenge and immunity.

Max admits he wanted to smile after losing because he's ready to change the dynamic of the game. It's the worst voiceover comment to make when you're unaware that an ally is plotting your demise. Being the only Blue Collar there, Kelly is everyone's new BFF as they attempt to woo her to their side. Jenn/Hali would like to work with Kelly to vote off Shirin, while Max would like her to join him, Shirin, and Carolyn to vote off Will. Shirin tells Carolyn the plan, but doesn't really make it a conversation, so Carolyn decides she'd like to be the swin vote. Someone's pulling a Chaos Kass! Or a Sarah if it all fails. Jenn is so relieved to hear Carolyn wants to take out her former tribe, which then makes Kelly change her mind to be with the numbers. "It's a race for who's more annoying for me," Jenn says as her vote for who to blindside changes each minute.


Tribal Council time! Shirin giggles while telling Probst about how much she loves her new tribe, gelling much better than White Collar. Max brings up the "inauthentic Kumbaya" as a way to pretend they have a chance, giving a long speech including major past Survivor trivia. This is where I imagine Jenn's brain is melting as she attempts to grasp Max's superfan knowledge of the game. Max and Shirin are unapologetic superfans, geeking out on the entire experience. Hali brings up that sometimes the votes are moreso a "quality of life" vote, which is definitely a red flag comment. Everyone agrees tonight's vote will be a blindside. When it comes time to read the votes Max says, "Hold up bro" and for a minute it seems like an idol is coming up. Nope, just Max paying homage to the beautifully coiffed Malcolm moment of the past. It's a last moment of Tribal Council for Max as he is blindsided out of this game.



March 15, 2015

Survivor Worlds Apart: Kicking the Buckets

3/15/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3

If the theme of last week was nudity, this week's is tribe tension. The most minor offense is Shirin, who is beginning to irk her fellow White Collar tribemates. After Shirin spots two howler monkeys making sweet, sweet love in the tree, she squeals in delight as she recaps the monkey sex to the others. Seems like no one is amused. Shirin also gets into a little squabble with Joaquin when everyone heads into the woods looking for the idol. Shirin's suggestion is to not look for the idol until they lose another challenge, but Joaquin doesn't trust her. He does trust Tyler enough to show him the idol clue, which is a big step in Tyler's eyes. Now he has the trust of Joaquin and Carolyn, who has the idol. By the way, during all this idol hunting Carolyn is just straight chilling and tending the fire. If White Collar does lose Tyler has his target set: Shirin.

The No Collar tribe has to come together again after the Tribal Council blindside of Vince. Nina returns to her usual mopey self and asks everyone to be respectful to her until her eventual boot. Nina understands the only way for her to survive is to win challenge and unless it's filling a bucket with tears, I'm not sure how helpful she is. But Joe approaches Nina the next day to try to make her more comfortable, which sort of helps. But amongst all the drama, Jenn and Hali decide to have some fun, turning driftboard into boogie boards and surfing in the ocean. They're even pretty well fed now that Joe can be the provider without Vince throwing shady glances his way. Maybe peace is in the air? LOL of course now.

The biggest drama of the week happens over on the Blue Collar camp. Dan says his best asset is his worst asset: his mouth. I'd say it's his worse because all his jokes die a quick death, particularly thinking he's cool enough to tell Rodney "Your mother's a whore." Surprise! Rodney is pissed. Other things that piss off Rodney are requesting he do work, because this sets him off too after Mike tries to request more help around the camp. Listen, we're on Rodney Time, K? Most of the tribe doesn't feel that Mike respects them, to which he's like "Uhh, you don't say thank you to me either." Lindsey is pissed because she tends to the fire all day and that Mike doesn't do everything. What probably upsets Mike more is her choice to bring his religion into it, but it might be hard not to with a giant "Psalm 131" tattoo on your back. But seriously Mike is taking this "blue collar" theme way to heart. At least a couple people on the tribe know to back away from the fight and let the others tear each other apart.

There's a lot of shocked faces at the Immunity Challenge to see Vince voted out. But that's a big move for them all. This week's challenge is to carry a large bucket full of water through mud and fill up another barrel. That sentence makes it sound easy but the buckets got a crapload of holes to cover up to prevent the water from gushing all around. Apparently since Nina is slow and bad at challenges, the no collar strategy is for Nina to run ahead of the group to not trip through the obstacles and slow the tribe down. Except they're reaaaaally slow anyways, so it's detrimental to their tribe. The blue collar tribe comes in first place, winning immunity and comfort items (chairs, blanket, pillows, candles, rope, tarp). The white collars finish right behind them, so they also score immunity and a tarp. No collars... absolutely screwed again.

Joe's in full apology mode once the No Collars return to camp since his strategy totally bombed. If Nina participated, they might have won (actually though, probably not- let's be real). The vote is between the two weakest, Nina and Will. Will thinks Nina is going, while Nina thinks Will could be going. Will is horrible in challenges and untrustworthy, Nina is consider the "wet blanket" of the tribe. The show does it's best to edit something interesting, but it's the most obvious vote coming.

Tribal council time! Probst asks about trust seeing as last Tribal was all about it but a guy was blindsided. Joe tries to explain the logic of excluding Nina from the obstacles in the challenge, which is still dumb. But Nina insists it's because of her "disavantage" though Probst is like, "But this was a physical challenge." The tribe thinks Nina is using the deafness against them for the miscommunication problems, as she's also not understanding her tribemates which has nothing to do with disabilities. Nina might've lived a more white collar life back home, but in order to play the game she's gotta loosen up and embrace the no collar nature of the tribe. Probst busts out the jar of votes and in a 3-2 vote, Nina is eliminated from the game.



March 9, 2015

The Bachelor: Prince Farming Finds His Soulesmate

3/09/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 10 - FINALE!

It's back to Arlington which is now covered in a thin layer of snow, the corn as dead as our enthusiasm for this season. Chris has no idea what he's going in terms of the two women, but he's got his family to help.


Whitney meets Chris' family first and knowing this is the farm, she comes well-prepared by wearing a flannel shirt. Whitney regales Chris' family with the tale of making a baby with fertility clinic sperm and every has a real guffaw. Whitney also lets the family know she's had a crush on Chris since Andi's season so she's 100% here for him and loves him, her voice getting shaky and shriekier by the second. Whitney is very comfortable moving to Arlington and starting a life while finding a new family to call her own. The family approves of Whitney and sees her fitting right in, especially because she's totally in love and her constant Chris adulation. As Chris explains his feelings for Whitney to his sisters, he makes a pretty good derp face. Chris has feelings for Whitney, but feels a real chemistry for Becca. His rambling speech about what he likes about Becca is defensive, so much that maybe his mind is already made up? Farm talk with the boys reveals that maybe part of Chris' attraction to Becca is the chase since she's like interested but not as forward as Whitney.


The Soules are real interested in meeting Becca, putting aside their Whitney-love to give Becca a fair chance. While Becca isn't all-in and hasn't confirmed she'd move to Iowa yet, Chris thinks the risk could be worth it. Becca chooses to wear a chambray shirt, a less overt farm look. Becca admits to the family that she did see Arlington during the impromptu road trip and was definitely shocked by "downtown." But her riff about an exciting Saturday in town being picking up the mail slays the fam. In the family grilling, Becca admits she still isn't fully in love but is getting there which worries her that maybe he'll turn her down because the relationship hasn't progressed fast enough. Becca will move to wherever love takes her, but only when she's totally sure. The family worries she might not be as into Chris as he is into her, especially her hesitance to no up and move to Iowa after 2 months of dating. The grilling by Chris' mom is so good that she starts to cry, probably because Chris' wise mother can read that Becca just doesn't understand why love feels like. Chris doesn't care what Becca says, only how he feels. How deep, Soules. Chris is hopeful Becca will say she loves him. Keep hoping, dude. "I think Whitney's the sure thing, but I think Becca's who Chris mans," Papa Soules says.

Chris leaves Arlington for Dubuque, Iowa for his final date with each girl. Becca's hotel room is the Al Capone suite because I guess he loved farmland too? Becca and Chris have one of their redundant talks about how she's falling in love but not there yet, so he asks her if she sees a future with him? Becca can't make any promises about when she'd be ready to haul ass and move, which leaves him in an awkward thinking face moment. Becca's lack of confirmation scares Chris because she doesn't know where she sees herself in five years because this isn't a job interview. Why does he ask this question so much? Becca can't articulate for Chris why she doesn't feel like she's in love with him, though her confusion about life in Arlington is part of it. Long paragraph short: Chris is super into Becca and she's on the fence. They repeat this over and over for 6 minutes.

For his final date with Whitney, the pair spend some time on the farm and pick some corn. YES! Harvest! Corn! Farm! Tractor! Whitney is so honored to be brought into such an important part of his life, so I guess she tuned out for the final three last year where Chris let Andi drive the tractor. Whitney gets the farmland tour and a visit to Chris' house, to which she's of course overly enthusiastic. They sip wine by a crackling fire and talk more, which is Whitney babbling more about how this experience was so worth it and she loves Chris. Back at the hotel, Chris sees that Whitney has a framed photo of them together from their wedding "crasher" date. Chris is hoping to have a moment that it all clicks and he knows Whitney is the one. Let's wrap this up really quick: nothing about Arlington shocked Whitney, she loved it, she loves Chris, life is grand. Whitney takes Chris aside one more time to wrap things on a high note since she's sure in their love, wanting all cards out on the table, but she's also scared. Chris says, "What you said, I reciprocate" and is excited about what they have. I love his "excitement" which on a scale of 1-10 is maybe a 2.5.

The day of reckoning has come! Chris soulfully ponders by a window both in sweater and shirtless. Thankfully he has a friend as good ol' Neil Lane comes all the way to Iowa to bring his usually box of halo engagement rings. With a ring in pocket, Chris heads to the proposal location: a decked out barn with stained glass, chandeliers, and candles. It's actually very pretty but everyone who uses Pinterest knows rustic barns are for shabby chic weddings, not proposals. So Chris waits eager for one, but doom looming for the other about to get dumped. Limo number one arrives...

And out steps Becca is a deep red velvet dress. Chris is like giddy smiling because he could see himself marrying Becca. Chris tells Becca how he's felt something for her since day one, that he sees a future with her and so much potential. It's the most he's spoken and the least studdery. "And you're not really ready," Chris says as he gets choked up. He wanted this to happen but she's not ready and Chris doesn't think he's the guy she'll need. Becca respects Chris' honesty and tells him he'll be an incredible husband. There's one last long whisper hug and it's over. Becca leaves mostly unaffected except for a few heavy sighs, which she picked up from two months of dating Chris. And Chris sighs loudly too because he's Chris and that's what he does. But Becca does admit she hopes that she wasn't in love the whole time but didn't even know it.

Wait, what about Whitney? She's rocking a long navy off-the-shoulder dress with some bedazzled cuffs. It's farm glamour, people. She's audibly shaking and shivering which is probably a mix of nerves and standing in a cold-ass winter barn. In case you're wondering, OF COURSE Whitney talks first and begins her usual rambling about how she loves Chris. Once she's done, Chris SIGHS LOUDLY. Then his speech begins about the first impression from the limo and the fun they've had throughout the process. "It feels so right, it feels so perfect... and that's what I want for the rest of my life. I love you." So Chris picked Whitney after this crazy edit of an episode. He gets down on one knee in the churchy barn straight out of The Muppet Movie where Doctor Teeth jammed out, and proposes. Lots of tears, kissing, hugging, and of course receiving the last rose. Together they sit looking out upon the farmland and bask in their love.

And into After the Final Rose we got! "There's tears flowing in the audience," Chris Harrison lies. Chris Soules is quickly brought out to clarify about the debacle of a finale we witnessed. A rollercoaster of emotions, mostly confusion since it seemed like the night could end with no proposal. But Chris and Whitney are ready to let their relationship be public. Regarding Becca, Chris saw some traits in Becca that he really wanted but she was also closed off and more of a chase. Chris Harrison wonders if Becca said I love you would that have changed things. "I don't know," Chris says, always eloquent. He's ready to move forward, not back!

Becca comes out for her first awkward interaction with Chris since the breakup. Becca explains that she had feelings, but wasn't ready for a proposal or something that big. It's just extra time to hear Chris' accident say "KAHSTANTLY." He respects her feelings and opinions, which led to "clarity" at the end. Becca loved things about Chris, but wasn't really sure if she was feeling love since she didn't have much experience to compare it to. Wisely and realistically, Becca wasn't going to claim to be in love just because this show wanted her to have those feelings. Becca feels changed and ready to find love. We're just relieved that Chris Harrison didn't use this as ten minutes to ask virginity questions.

Whitney comes out on stage and she starts kissing Chris a bunch, before gushing over how much she loves him. Even she jokes that she never STFU about her Chris love. Her self awareness charms me. Basically Chris wanted someone beautiful, funny, hard-working, and like his sisters - so Whitney is the one. Lots of happy, happy talk about their future together. Whitney didn't watch the show, or really only watched their dates together. She lived it and didn't need to watch him mackin' on everyone else for two months while they're trying to maintain the high of their love. She's confident in their relationship and isn't worried that he might have lingering feelings for anyone, because as a reminder Chris earlier said that everything was done. So this is Harrison beating it to death. Chris and Whitney have been very open about everything and are A-OK. What's super cute is that after the proposal, Chris' parents came to the barn to celebrate the big news (and request grandchildren immediately). And despite the rules of being discrete, Whitney has been sneaking off to Iowa to be with Chris and his family.

Other highlights of After the Final Rose include a visit from the season's real star, Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy takes 100% credit for their love, but if it fails he won't take the fall. In case you're wondering, they're "making love regularly." Best part of it all: Jimmy telling Chris that Becca wasn't into him. Cringey and hilarious! He gifts the couple with a cow which he named Juan Pablo. "EES OKAY!" Chris Harrison says as he pets the cow.

The other question of the night is who will be The Bachelorette? ALLEGEDLY it's been divided between Britt and Kaitlyn, which is a load of crap because everyone knows it should be Kaitlyn. Like the crowded loses their minds. And then, holy moly twist alert: there will be two Bachelorettes!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME I'M HAVING A MELTDOWN. One night one, the men will have quite a choice ahead of them. Now I think this is so awesome, however NOT original. As a longtime reality TV watcher, I recall them doing this on For Love or Money. Britt's all giggly and pleased, but Kaitlyn has on such a shade-throwing smirk because her moment of solo glory is over. Dear lord, please let the men of night one pick Kaitlyn. PLEASE.



March 8, 2015

Survivor Worlds Apart: Outwit, Outplay, Outass

3/08/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 2

The Blue Collar tribe has two clear outsiders that begin to irk their tribemates. Big Dan loses his "manties" while trying to take a shit at sea, which is a new level of sad and hilarious. It's like Garry Gergich on Parks and Rec but in real life. Now wearing a shirt as underwear, the women see it as an attempt for attention and are ready to boot him. Also on the outs is Dan's ally Mike who is that guy on the tribe who wants to work hard all the time and isn't down for play. But the tribe wants to balance the work and fun, so they play fake basketball and have a good time.

Not much happens at White Collar this week except they're fully embracing the free spirit will of nature by getting naked. Well it starts with just Max, strutting naked around the beach and swimming naked to get time alone. What confuses me most is why wear sneakers while completely naked? I'd rather have a soggy butt than feet. Shirin joins in the nudie-fest by going bottomless or "Donald Ducking." Tyler and Joaquin are extremely uncomfortable. Read the room - I mean, beach.

No Collar is also embracing their naked selves, with Hali and Jen deciding to go skinnydipping. It seems innocent but it turns into a big fight because Nina feels isolated from her tribemates. Nina is deaf so it's already hard for her to communicate despite her cochlear implant, mishearing comments and just missing out on conversations. Nina begins crying because the girls didn't ask for to go swimming, though they sort of made more of a declarative "We're going swimming" instead of an open invite. Vince doesn't appreciate the girls excluding Nina, but his tension with Joe is building as well. Vince to confront Joe for overshadowing him and taking credit for everything when it's usually a collaborative effort. Feeling scorned by the trio of Hali, Jenn, and Joe, Nina and Vince pair up together.

The tribes are ocean bound for the latest Immunity Challenge, which is to maneuver buoys through various obstacles and then toss those buoys into a basket. Looks like the Blue Collars basketball shenanigans could pay off! Joaquin's hoop skills help the White Collar tribe win first place, which includes immunity and a big fishing kit. Blue Collar comes in second winning fishing line, lure, and spears. The No Collars started the challenge with a lead, but Will struggled through the obstacles and then Vince couldn't make any baskets. It's like watching your elementary school child attempt to play basketball for the first time and you're like "Aww, keeping trying..."

Being mean and voting off people is so against the No Collars way of chillaxing, but the time has come. Joe, Hali, and Jenn would like to vote off the weakest player which is Nina. Since they believe Nina could have an idol, they suggest splitting the votes 2-2 between Nina and Vince. This requires having Will on their side, so Will listens to this strategy and relays it to Vince and Nina. With the others splitting their votes, it means their trio would control the vote. While they initially consider Joe, his strength in challenges is needed to the three decide on Jenn. That is until Nina starts talking. Nina asks Will how he is feeling, given his earlier admission that he tanked in the challenge and was exhausted. Nina voices how Vince was concerned about his health and this doesn't sit well with him. Why should Vince care that much if they're allies? Is Vince trying to blindside Will?

Tribal Council time! Probst asks about the group divisions, so Nina explains how the young people exclude her so she's bonded more with Will. Jenn expresses compassion, followed with "deal with it" and we'll need that as a GIF with the sunglasses drop, stat. Jenn, Joe, and Hali are upfront about their alliance of three and laughably mentions people not playing stupid, and this is a stupid thing to say. Vince is the middle man trying to keep the tribe together, later saying for the vote he'll trust his gut instead of brain which is the opposite of most people but you know what, he's no collar - no rules! Jenn acknowledges she could go home but almost doesn't care because she's living a dream being on the show. In a total blindside, Vince is the one voted off. WHOA, this game is getting crazy already. Vince's reaction faces and feather will be missed.



March 2, 2015

The Bachelor: Chris' Women Tell All While Attempting to Cry on Cue

3/02/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 9 - The Women Tell All

To begin the Women Tell All, the most excrutiating 2 hours of recapping I face each season, there are clips show of Chris Soules and Chris Harrison crashing viewing parties. The best party went all out including cowboy hats, bales of hay, and various corn related products. Most just had shrieking women getting bombed on wine.

So the big reunion kicks off and Kelsey gets the littlest amount of cheers/applause because DUH. The video package alone brings Britt to tears, who wonders why Carly lied about being her friend. "It's not about friendship!" some rando whines before Britt is brought to the hot seat. Britt insists she was falling in love with Chris and thinks Carly is the driving force that sent her home. While a couple girls defend Britt, others defend her authenticity. Sounds like Carly talked shizz about a few girls, and Jillian's defense of Britt brings Britt to tears. She's a crier, guys. There's a ton of whining about what was supposedly true, like wanting to have kids, loving Arlington, wanting to move to Iowa. Carly yaps some more about how she was looking out for Chris' best interest, wanting to make sure the girl he ended up with wanted to be a farm girl forever. Carly believes Britt puts on a show like an actress and I'll 100% agree with her on that one. It's an irritating whinefest with constant insistence she was there for love. Sorry but in her dramatic pauses and attempts to force out tears, I find everything calculated in this entire segment.

Kelsey is next in the hot seat after getting her terrible intro as "The Black Widow." Kelsey feels betrayed and now feels like she's grieving again after re-opening this story. Girl at least has a clue, knowing that a lot of her actions could easily be misconstrued like the panic attack before the Rose Ceremony or sneaking alone time to tell Chris her story (omitted the part about going in for a kiss after). The girls try to interrupt a couple times, so after her fair chance to speak, Chris Harrison opens the floodgate to allow the women to attack. The women are all super offended that Kelsey used her sob story to get ahead, since many experienced similar tragedies (specifically Juelia, who shared her sad story at a pool party). Kelsey has nothing to ask the women except for their forgiveness, but Ashley I's like "NO THX" and Kelsey's like "UMMM you started the worst lie ever that I made up my dead husband." But Kelsey definitely regrets her "great story" comments because of the way came off, because she truly thought she found the love of her life. But the show helped Kelsey being open to the idea of finding love again, so it worked that way. Too bad she's now facing loads of crap from the fans and public.

A little levity is needed after the tension brought on by Kelsey and Britt, so Chris Harrison brings kooky Ashley S. into the hot seat. Harrison gifts her with an onion, a reminder of when she was shit-faced and thought a pomegranate was an onion. Everyone laughs about her tendency to wander around the property, poking into control rooms and believing production was better on the show. Ashley thinks the cameras make her act silly, but all of this is so uncomfortable with Harrison prodding about her weird behavior. BUT, she's the first to get an official invite to Bachelor in Paradise and her response is just that this is weird being on TV. It's the awkward Bachelor interview for the ages!

There's a couple more unremarkable hot seats. Jade talks about her sexy past doing nudie pics for Playboy. Jade was falling in love with Chris, yet isn't totally sure Chris was telling the truth about the nude stuff not mattering. It seems Jade reads Chris' blog and was crushed that he called this other side of her "disturbing," because he loved the sweet side of her and not the sexy one. Be pissed Jade because that's a crappy thing to say. Last in the hot seat is Kaitlyn, because she was the most recent dumpee and because they're still getting feelers on Bachelorette candidates. Since Kaitlyn is the "funny one" this is a chance to show her softer side, the kind you'd want to see find love on TV again. The end of this relationship haunts Kaitlyn daily, wondering why Chris didn't drop a hints or a sign. Ummm because he's a dope. Kaitlyn is just SO CONFUSED, and she repeats that over and over.

"The moment we've all been waiting for" arrives when Chris Soules comes out onstage to face the women and make some of his incredible thinking faces. Has anyone ever seen a person emote so much confusion while attempting to use their brain? As soon as Chris comes out Britt starts crying and asks to come up. Carly FUMES, Britt cries more, Chris insists Carly's comments didn't affect his decision at all, and then gives her blessing. Kaitlyn wants more of an explanation of why things ended, and Chris of course talks in circles without ever giving a real answer. Jade requests to come on stage to talk with Chris, not at him from the sidelines. Chris then has to explain why he called her "disturbing" because her family said she was wild and he saw the shy girl. "All you had to do was be honest," Jade cries after bringing up his comments about watching her nudie vids together awkward. I'll say Chris was slightly better at articulating this, but he's still a total dingus.

AND THEN THERE'S BLOOPERS!!!!!!!!!!! Which includes a dog humping a sock monkey.

Next week: the three hour finale!




March 1, 2015

Survivor Worlds Apart: Deceive, Honest, NEUTRAL?!

3/01/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 1


18 new Survivors are roughing it in Nicaragua for the chance to be the sole Survivor. The tribes have been split based on their occupations: white collar vs. blue collar vs. no collar. As Jeff Probst explains it, the white collars make the rules, the blue collars follow the rules, and the no collars do whatever they want. Sure Jeff, keep reaching for it. But twist time! Each tribe has to pick a representative, who then picks another representive, to make a crucial decision for their tribe. The representives end up being Joaquin and So (white collar), Dan and Mike (blue collar), and Will and Jenn (no collar - who promises to make sandwiches as leader despite you know no bread or anything edible). They aren't banished to exile or anything, just given the tribe maps and told their big decision awaits at camp. With their tribe names given, though the show never uses them Masaya, Escameca, and Nagarote - the castaways leave for their new homes.

The big decision for the tribe is between "Deceive," which has a small bag of beans and an immunity idol clue, or "Honest," and take a big ass bag of beans and their tribe won't hate them. The leaders of Nagarote and Escameca choose Honest so they don't screw themselves over right away. The No Collars are chill about this choice, but the Blue Collars thing the bag of beans is skimpy and they're liars. But Masaya, the white collar tribe, opt for Deceive to get any sort of advantage and now So and Joaquin are pretty much in an alliance. The cover-up lie is even worse, claiming they picked "Neutral" and already I know my winner prediction is f'ed. Shirin can tell it's a lie and quickly makes a trio with Max and Carolyn to take out the lying threats.

Ok, let's go over what shenangins are going down at each tribe's beach. The Blue Collar tribe gets right to work building fire, shelter, and scavenging for food. It's so blue collar of them which would make Jeff Probst shed a tear. Rodney uses the tattoo about his dead sister to bond him with the women. The women turn on Dan right away after he lives us to the stigma of disgruntled postal worker, snapping at the women about the shelter. Rodney suggests getting out "Dumbledore" and it's like, read the book and watch the movies he's CLEARLY Hagrid. So Dan is all alone except for his one friend Mike, the real smart guy who decides to eat a scorpion he finds (then pukes it up right away). Dude it's been like 2 hours - cook some beans.

Nagarote shares their first communal coconut before the drama begins. I can't remember really any Survivor love triangles before this, but it's happening? Or least that's what Vince thinks it happening. See, feather-haired Vince wants to make a deal with Jenn as he feels they're"kindred spirits." This also includes Vince sniffing her hair which, I guess that's what kindred spirits do? But then there's beautiful curly haired Joe who wants to build a shelter one way and also succeeds in starting fire. The girls are all excited, including Jenn which makes Vince seethe will jealousy. So not chill, Vince. Vince lightly confronts Jenn and this is definitely not about game allies at this point and more a weird crush. Meanwhile Jenn is just chill AF but also totally creeped out by Vince's clingy vibe and long hug. Good thing there's an adorable raccoon near their camp to be their guiding spirit animal in this game.

While the other tribes are almost to fully-functioning on a survival level, the white collars are in a bit of disarray. The shelter sucks, they can't build fire, and So/Joaquin are more focused on searching for the immunity idol. Carolyn lurks around the woods and being a fan, she knows the rule of Survivor is to find a tree and shove your hand in it. It's obviously a success because this is literally what happens every year. Now with an immunity idol in hand, Carolyn has a ton of power, while So and Joaquin are still considered enemy #1. Color me impressed, Carolyn!

The first immunity challenge is make their way through obstacles to either unlock or untie ladders, get those ladders through obstacles, and finish up with a puzzle but TWIST! There's 3 puzzles to choose from, ranging in number of pieces and difficulty. I really like the option for a Choose Your Own Adventure challenge, which also leaves fate in your heads. What I LOVE is the most adorable immunity idol ever that I want to hug and squeal in delight over. Ok, enough obsessing over the idol - let's finish up the challenge. All the tribes initially choose the locks, but realize that's a dumb idea and switch to knots. So might be a horrible liar, but she's excellent with knots. As for the puzzles, no collar picks the middle puzzle which is more visual, white collar picks the easiest puzzle with the most pieces, and blue collar is just way behind and struggling to hold up a ladder. Blue collar catches up and begins to copy the middle puzzle, as Shirin totally blows her tribe's puzzle, which appears to be the most basic bitch puzzle (though word on the beach is it was really hard). The no collar tribe wins immunity and reward of a fire making kit, and blue collar comes in second place which is immunity and flint. You had one job, Shirin!

Masaya returns to camp dejected, with Max joking they could make a schedule for eliminations. Carolyn is well aware that the first elimination will probably be a woman, because duh it's pretty much always the way. So tells Max how she thinks "Shayleen" and Carolyn were the weakest in the challenge, the cause of their loss. So begins a campaign to vote off Carolyn, then denies this all to Carolyn. Tyler, who has basically been invisible thus far, tells Carolyn that her name was brought up, so she straight up tells him she has the idol. Shirin and Carolyn want to get rid of So, and their ally Max is sort of torn. Ally with the older woman or keep a known liar that will help in challenges?

First Tribal Council time! The set looks like the most baller treehouse known to mankind. Like if the Swiss Family Treehouse at Disney World wasn't a long line leading to boringness. First topic of discussion: the Deceive, Honest, and "Neutral" boxes. Shirin tells them they're such liars and Max says he would've done the same thing but been a much better liar. PREACH! So is bummed the lie came out like this but believes the "four" are strong, pointing out Shirin and Carolyn are weaker. Carolyn tells everyone that Shirin and Max have been in her alliance since day one, blowing up everyone's spot. So is like "I'm in an alliance with Max!" Carolyn starts getting amped up and a little too loud, while So is also fighting but slightly more composed. So faces up to her lie but says she's there for the team in challenges. Max is loving that his first Tribal Council has downpouring rain and lots of drama - the full Survivor experience. Oh what will the decision be? Carolyn doesn't play her infamous tree idol, so the votes are read on. So is the first person voted out and my winner prediction has crashed and burned at a new low for me. OUCH.




February 23, 2015

The Bachelor: A Virgin in the Fantasy Suite? You Better Bali-eve It!

2/23/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 8 - Fantasy Suites

We are finally free of the farmlands and off on an exotic vacation to Bali, where a week of Fantasy Suites lie ahead.

Chris' first date begins with a kiss-free temple visit with Kaitlyn, which means we have to actually listen to this lunkhead talk. They walk around town before heading to like a monkey reserve, where a monkey pees on Chris, slaps him around a little, and steals his bananas. The monkey fun ends quickly so Kaitlyn can tell Chris how much her family loved him, because no one will ever admit Chris is a drip. The romantic dinner conversation is all about Kaitlyn letting her guard down and just letting love in because she's totally feeling the love vibes. Individual keys are forgone in exchange for the Fantasy Suite because "we deserve it" and by "it" we mean "sexy times." Their fantasy suite has a tub for a rose petals AKA you better leave a sweet tip for housekeeping. Kaitlyn tells Chris she's falling in love with him, but here's the thing: he ALSO says he's falling in love with her. I feel like this doesn't happen much?

Whitney is date #2, where they go sailing on the Indian Ocean while poppin' bottles like reality TV ballers do. After incessant babbling about how life together on this boat seems normal, Whitney does damage control over her sister's reluctance about this whole relationship and the falling-in-love-on-TV thing. Chris is like eh, it's cool let's kiss more because you talk too much. They jump into the ocean of metaphor and kiss a bunch more before fast-forwarding to the night portion of the date. Chris' big topic of discussion is that Arlington is a teeny town and Whitney is a career gal and blissfully unaware of the town's true size. "There's nothing to do in Arlington, zero," Chris bluntly tells her while explaining the harsh reality of his beloved hometown. Whitney doesn't care because she wants to be a wife and mom, so the career is a fallback and she's all-in to be anywhere with Chris.

The elephant in the rice paddies is Becca's virgin secret which Chris is still totally unaware of, so it should make dinner an exciting time. The couple pal around with locals while taking time to stop and kiss each other as people try to go about their day working. An awkward blessing at a temple happens where they suggest "making love" and Becca turns red as hell and Chris is just dense to notice. Dinner is basically a ticking virgin-declaration time bomb, as Becca realizes she should maybe come clean before she goes to what we all expect to be the Bone Zone. So Becca explains she has a lot of new feelings since she's never experience what falling in love is like, buuuut once that Fantasy Suite envelope the jig is up. Finally in the Fantasy Suite, Becca tells Chris her big news which the show has been hyping since the first hour of the season when Chris Harrison spoiled it: she's a virgin. The world doesn't end, though it takes that goober Chris a moment to compose himself because he's literally speechless. The two kiss and probably spoon all night.

Chris says he's falling in love with everyone, so this is a tough decision but moreso with a more reserved Becca. Chris is worries about making mistakes and also dealing a soul-crushing, heartbreaking blow to one of the women. Thankfully Chris is not alone in this process: he has Chris Harrison! The sage wisdom of a divorced reality show host with puppet-like arms. Chris wants to be patient with Becca because she's not totally in love yet nor ready to move to Iowa like the other two are so eager to do. If you want to hear Chris repeatedly explain that he could see a future with each girl, this was the drawn out segment of a lifetime. Chris just needs clarity to make this decision. Where is Clare's Bachelor in Paradise raccoon when you need him?

The Rose Ceremony happens at a super strict temple where only holding hands in allowed, which is the ideal place to dump a girl. Chris and Chris Harrison are full on twinning in their traditional garbs, each with a different color sash to express their personalities. The girls are also in traditional outfits, a bright array of neon colors and sarongs. Instead of handing out two roses and dumping Becca on the spot, Chris pulls Becca aside to talk. Becca tries to explain that she's crazy about him and wants the process to be over, but not them as a couple. Becca wants all her feelings out in the open before she's sent home, heart on her sleeve. BUT TWIST! After their talk Chris brings Becca back to the Rose Ceremony, which is a shock to Whitney and Kaitlyn who assumed Becca was given the "It's not you, it's me" speech. Whitney and Becca receive the two roses, leaving Canadian Kaitlyn on the sidelines. Talking to a crying Kaitlyn, Chris explains it might be a wrong decision but he's following his heart. It's more amusing than you'd expect due to a loud rooster going "cock-a-doodle-doo!" in the background. Kaitlyn describes this as "the most humiliating moment of her entire life" and definitely confused, pissed, and heartbroken. But seeing as Kaitlyn is one of the few with a personality this whole season, maybe her reality TV quest for love isn't over. We'll wait and see.

Next week: the Women Tell All and they all hate each other,