March 2, 2015

The Bachelor: Chris' Women Tell All While Attempting to Cry on Cue

3/02/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 9 - The Women Tell All

To begin the Women Tell All, the most excrutiating 2 hours of recapping I face each season, there are clips show of Chris Soules and Chris Harrison crashing viewing parties. The best party went all out including cowboy hats, bales of hay, and various corn related products. Most just had shrieking women getting bombed on wine.

So the big reunion kicks off and Kelsey gets the littlest amount of cheers/applause because DUH. The video package alone brings Britt to tears, who wonders why Carly lied about being her friend. "It's not about friendship!" some rando whines before Britt is brought to the hot seat. Britt insists she was falling in love with Chris and thinks Carly is the driving force that sent her home. While a couple girls defend Britt, others defend her authenticity. Sounds like Carly talked shizz about a few girls, and Jillian's defense of Britt brings Britt to tears. She's a crier, guys. There's a ton of whining about what was supposedly true, like wanting to have kids, loving Arlington, wanting to move to Iowa. Carly yaps some more about how she was looking out for Chris' best interest, wanting to make sure the girl he ended up with wanted to be a farm girl forever. Carly believes Britt puts on a show like an actress and I'll 100% agree with her on that one. It's an irritating whinefest with constant insistence she was there for love. Sorry but in her dramatic pauses and attempts to force out tears, I find everything calculated in this entire segment.

Kelsey is next in the hot seat after getting her terrible intro as "The Black Widow." Kelsey feels betrayed and now feels like she's grieving again after re-opening this story. Girl at least has a clue, knowing that a lot of her actions could easily be misconstrued like the panic attack before the Rose Ceremony or sneaking alone time to tell Chris her story (omitted the part about going in for a kiss after). The girls try to interrupt a couple times, so after her fair chance to speak, Chris Harrison opens the floodgate to allow the women to attack. The women are all super offended that Kelsey used her sob story to get ahead, since many experienced similar tragedies (specifically Juelia, who shared her sad story at a pool party). Kelsey has nothing to ask the women except for their forgiveness, but Ashley I's like "NO THX" and Kelsey's like "UMMM you started the worst lie ever that I made up my dead husband." But Kelsey definitely regrets her "great story" comments because of the way came off, because she truly thought she found the love of her life. But the show helped Kelsey being open to the idea of finding love again, so it worked that way. Too bad she's now facing loads of crap from the fans and public.

A little levity is needed after the tension brought on by Kelsey and Britt, so Chris Harrison brings kooky Ashley S. into the hot seat. Harrison gifts her with an onion, a reminder of when she was shit-faced and thought a pomegranate was an onion. Everyone laughs about her tendency to wander around the property, poking into control rooms and believing production was better on the show. Ashley thinks the cameras make her act silly, but all of this is so uncomfortable with Harrison prodding about her weird behavior. BUT, she's the first to get an official invite to Bachelor in Paradise and her response is just that this is weird being on TV. It's the awkward Bachelor interview for the ages!

There's a couple more unremarkable hot seats. Jade talks about her sexy past doing nudie pics for Playboy. Jade was falling in love with Chris, yet isn't totally sure Chris was telling the truth about the nude stuff not mattering. It seems Jade reads Chris' blog and was crushed that he called this other side of her "disturbing," because he loved the sweet side of her and not the sexy one. Be pissed Jade because that's a crappy thing to say. Last in the hot seat is Kaitlyn, because she was the most recent dumpee and because they're still getting feelers on Bachelorette candidates. Since Kaitlyn is the "funny one" this is a chance to show her softer side, the kind you'd want to see find love on TV again. The end of this relationship haunts Kaitlyn daily, wondering why Chris didn't drop a hints or a sign. Ummm because he's a dope. Kaitlyn is just SO CONFUSED, and she repeats that over and over.

"The moment we've all been waiting for" arrives when Chris Soules comes out onstage to face the women and make some of his incredible thinking faces. Has anyone ever seen a person emote so much confusion while attempting to use their brain? As soon as Chris comes out Britt starts crying and asks to come up. Carly FUMES, Britt cries more, Chris insists Carly's comments didn't affect his decision at all, and then gives her blessing. Kaitlyn wants more of an explanation of why things ended, and Chris of course talks in circles without ever giving a real answer. Jade requests to come on stage to talk with Chris, not at him from the sidelines. Chris then has to explain why he called her "disturbing" because her family said she was wild and he saw the shy girl. "All you had to do was be honest," Jade cries after bringing up his comments about watching her nudie vids together awkward. I'll say Chris was slightly better at articulating this, but he's still a total dingus.

AND THEN THERE'S BLOOPERS!!!!!!!!!!! Which includes a dog humping a sock monkey.

Next week: the three hour finale!

March 1, 2015

Survivor Worlds Apart: Deceive, Honest, NEUTRAL?!

3/01/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 1

18 new Survivors are roughing it in Nicaragua for the chance to be the sole Survivor. The tribes have been split based on their occupations: white collar vs. blue collar vs. no collar. As Jeff Probst explains it, the white collars make the rules, the blue collars follow the rules, and the no collars do whatever they want. Sure Jeff, keep reaching for it. But twist time! Each tribe has to pick a representative, who then picks another representive, to make a crucial decision for their tribe. The representives end up being Joaquin and So (white collar), Dan and Mike (blue collar), and Will and Jenn (no collar - who promises to make sandwiches as leader despite you know no bread or anything edible). They aren't banished to exile or anything, just given the tribe maps and told their big decision awaits at camp. With their tribe names given, though the show never uses them Masaya, Escameca, and Nagarote - the castaways leave for their new homes.

The big decision for the tribe is between "Deceive," which has a small bag of beans and an immunity idol clue, or "Honest," and take a big ass bag of beans and their tribe won't hate them. The leaders of Nagarote and Escameca choose Honest so they don't screw themselves over right away. The No Collars are chill about this choice, but the Blue Collars thing the bag of beans is skimpy and they're liars. But Masaya, the white collar tribe, opt for Deceive to get any sort of advantage and now So and Joaquin are pretty much in an alliance. The cover-up lie is even worse, claiming they picked "Neutral" and already I know my winner prediction is f'ed. Shirin can tell it's a lie and quickly makes a trio with Max and Carolyn to take out the lying threats.

Ok, let's go over what shenangins are going down at each tribe's beach. The Blue Collar tribe gets right to work building fire, shelter, and scavenging for food. It's so blue collar of them which would make Jeff Probst shed a tear. Rodney uses the tattoo about his dead sister to bond him with the women. The women turn on Dan right away after he lives us to the stigma of disgruntled postal worker, snapping at the women about the shelter. Rodney suggests getting out "Dumbledore" and it's like, read the book and watch the movies he's CLEARLY Hagrid. So Dan is all alone except for his one friend Mike, the real smart guy who decides to eat a scorpion he finds (then pukes it up right away). Dude it's been like 2 hours - cook some beans.

Nagarote shares their first communal coconut before the drama begins. I can't remember really any Survivor love triangles before this, but it's happening? Or least that's what Vince thinks it happening. See, feather-haired Vince wants to make a deal with Jenn as he feels they're"kindred spirits." This also includes Vince sniffing her hair which, I guess that's what kindred spirits do? But then there's beautiful curly haired Joe who wants to build a shelter one way and also succeeds in starting fire. The girls are all excited, including Jenn which makes Vince seethe will jealousy. So not chill, Vince. Vince lightly confronts Jenn and this is definitely not about game allies at this point and more a weird crush. Meanwhile Jenn is just chill AF but also totally creeped out by Vince's clingy vibe and long hug. Good thing there's an adorable raccoon near their camp to be their guiding spirit animal in this game.

While the other tribes are almost to fully-functioning on a survival level, the white collars are in a bit of disarray. The shelter sucks, they can't build fire, and So/Joaquin are more focused on searching for the immunity idol. Carolyn lurks around the woods and being a fan, she knows the rule of Survivor is to find a tree and shove your hand in it. It's obviously a success because this is literally what happens every year. Now with an immunity idol in hand, Carolyn has a ton of power, while So and Joaquin are still considered enemy #1. Color me impressed, Carolyn!

The first immunity challenge is make their way through obstacles to either unlock or untie ladders, get those ladders through obstacles, and finish up with a puzzle but TWIST! There's 3 puzzles to choose from, ranging in number of pieces and difficulty. I really like the option for a Choose Your Own Adventure challenge, which also leaves fate in your heads. What I LOVE is the most adorable immunity idol ever that I want to hug and squeal in delight over. Ok, enough obsessing over the idol - let's finish up the challenge. All the tribes initially choose the locks, but realize that's a dumb idea and switch to knots. So might be a horrible liar, but she's excellent with knots. As for the puzzles, no collar picks the middle puzzle which is more visual, white collar picks the easiest puzzle with the most pieces, and blue collar is just way behind and struggling to hold up a ladder. Blue collar catches up and begins to copy the middle puzzle, as Shirin totally blows her tribe's puzzle, which appears to be the most basic bitch puzzle (though word on the beach is it was really hard). The no collar tribe wins immunity and reward of a fire making kit, and blue collar comes in second place which is immunity and flint. You had one job, Shirin!

Masaya returns to camp dejected, with Max joking they could make a schedule for eliminations. Carolyn is well aware that the first elimination will probably be a woman, because duh it's pretty much always the way. So tells Max how she thinks "Shayleen" and Carolyn were the weakest in the challenge, the cause of their loss. So begins a campaign to vote off Carolyn, then denies this all to Carolyn. Tyler, who has basically been invisible thus far, tells Carolyn that her name was brought up, so she straight up tells him she has the idol. Shirin and Carolyn want to get rid of So, and their ally Max is sort of torn. Ally with the older woman or keep a known liar that will help in challenges?

First Tribal Council time! The set looks like the most baller treehouse known to mankind. Like if the Swiss Family Treehouse at Disney World wasn't a long line leading to boringness. First topic of discussion: the Deceive, Honest, and "Neutral" boxes. Shirin tells them they're such liars and Max says he would've done the same thing but been a much better liar. PREACH! So is bummed the lie came out like this but believes the "four" are strong, pointing out Shirin and Carolyn are weaker. Carolyn tells everyone that Shirin and Max have been in her alliance since day one, blowing up everyone's spot. So is like "I'm in an alliance with Max!" Carolyn starts getting amped up and a little too loud, while So is also fighting but slightly more composed. So faces up to her lie but says she's there for the team in challenges. Max is loving that his first Tribal Council has downpouring rain and lots of drama - the full Survivor experience. Oh what will the decision be? Carolyn doesn't play her infamous tree idol, so the votes are read on. So is the first person voted out and my winner prediction has crashed and burned at a new low for me. OUCH.

February 23, 2015

The Bachelor: A Virgin in the Fantasy Suite? You Better Bali-eve It!

2/23/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 8 - Fantasy Suites

We are finally free of the farmlands and off on an exotic vacation to Bali, where a week of Fantasy Suites lie ahead.

Chris' first date begins with a kiss-free temple visit with Kaitlyn, which means we have to actually listen to this lunkhead talk. They walk around town before heading to like a monkey reserve, where a monkey pees on Chris, slaps him around a little, and steals his bananas. The monkey fun ends quickly so Kaitlyn can tell Chris how much her family loved him, because no one will ever admit Chris is a drip. The romantic dinner conversation is all about Kaitlyn letting her guard down and just letting love in because she's totally feeling the love vibes. Individual keys are forgone in exchange for the Fantasy Suite because "we deserve it" and by "it" we mean "sexy times." Their fantasy suite has a tub for a rose petals AKA you better leave a sweet tip for housekeeping. Kaitlyn tells Chris she's falling in love with him, but here's the thing: he ALSO says he's falling in love with her. I feel like this doesn't happen much?

Whitney is date #2, where they go sailing on the Indian Ocean while poppin' bottles like reality TV ballers do. After incessant babbling about how life together on this boat seems normal, Whitney does damage control over her sister's reluctance about this whole relationship and the falling-in-love-on-TV thing. Chris is like eh, it's cool let's kiss more because you talk too much. They jump into the ocean of metaphor and kiss a bunch more before fast-forwarding to the night portion of the date. Chris' big topic of discussion is that Arlington is a teeny town and Whitney is a career gal and blissfully unaware of the town's true size. "There's nothing to do in Arlington, zero," Chris bluntly tells her while explaining the harsh reality of his beloved hometown. Whitney doesn't care because she wants to be a wife and mom, so the career is a fallback and she's all-in to be anywhere with Chris.

The elephant in the rice paddies is Becca's virgin secret which Chris is still totally unaware of, so it should make dinner an exciting time. The couple pal around with locals while taking time to stop and kiss each other as people try to go about their day working. An awkward blessing at a temple happens where they suggest "making love" and Becca turns red as hell and Chris is just dense to notice. Dinner is basically a ticking virgin-declaration time bomb, as Becca realizes she should maybe come clean before she goes to what we all expect to be the Bone Zone. So Becca explains she has a lot of new feelings since she's never experience what falling in love is like, buuuut once that Fantasy Suite envelope the jig is up. Finally in the Fantasy Suite, Becca tells Chris her big news which the show has been hyping since the first hour of the season when Chris Harrison spoiled it: she's a virgin. The world doesn't end, though it takes that goober Chris a moment to compose himself because he's literally speechless. The two kiss and probably spoon all night.

Chris says he's falling in love with everyone, so this is a tough decision but moreso with a more reserved Becca. Chris is worries about making mistakes and also dealing a soul-crushing, heartbreaking blow to one of the women. Thankfully Chris is not alone in this process: he has Chris Harrison! The sage wisdom of a divorced reality show host with puppet-like arms. Chris wants to be patient with Becca because she's not totally in love yet nor ready to move to Iowa like the other two are so eager to do. If you want to hear Chris repeatedly explain that he could see a future with each girl, this was the drawn out segment of a lifetime. Chris just needs clarity to make this decision. Where is Clare's Bachelor in Paradise raccoon when you need him?

The Rose Ceremony happens at a super strict temple where only holding hands in allowed, which is the ideal place to dump a girl. Chris and Chris Harrison are full on twinning in their traditional garbs, each with a different color sash to express their personalities. The girls are also in traditional outfits, a bright array of neon colors and sarongs. Instead of handing out two roses and dumping Becca on the spot, Chris pulls Becca aside to talk. Becca tries to explain that she's crazy about him and wants the process to be over, but not them as a couple. Becca wants all her feelings out in the open before she's sent home, heart on her sleeve. BUT TWIST! After their talk Chris brings Becca back to the Rose Ceremony, which is a shock to Whitney and Kaitlyn who assumed Becca was given the "It's not you, it's me" speech. Whitney and Becca receive the two roses, leaving Canadian Kaitlyn on the sidelines. Talking to a crying Kaitlyn, Chris explains it might be a wrong decision but he's following his heart. It's more amusing than you'd expect due to a loud rooster going "cock-a-doodle-doo!" in the background. Kaitlyn describes this as "the most humiliating moment of her entire life" and definitely confused, pissed, and heartbroken. But seeing as Kaitlyn is one of the few with a personality this whole season, maybe her reality TV quest for love isn't over. We'll wait and see.

Next week: the Women Tell All and they all hate each other,

February 18, 2015

Survivor: Worlds Apart Pre-Show Winner Prediction

Sound the conch shell, a new season of Survivor is about to begin! In Survivor's 30th season, the tribes have been split based on their occupations into three tribes: blue collar, white collar, and no collar. It's a twist that's been machinating in Jeff Probst's head and in Probst We Trust. We've got one week until the season premiere which means, of course, winner prediction time. As I do every season, I read all bios and watch the videos to predict who I think will win the entire season. My track record sucks, but I keep on doing it because it's fun, gives me someone to route for, and ultimately becomes a running joke for any long-time followers. With that...


SO will win Survivor: Worlds Apart

In my history of winner predictions, this is one of the hardest and that's because season 30 has assembled an awesome cast. Minus a few duds or annoyances, this cast seems to be full of true Survivor fans that are ready to outwit, outplay, and outlast. Really anything can happen, but I'm going to go with a gut feeling and roll with So. 

First off, So's on the White Collar tribe (Masaya) and I think that tribe is going to dominate given a mix of brains and brawn. She looks friendly but backs it with smarts and a desire to win. She always seems more athletic, which is always helpful in case you win challenges. While I'm absolutely in love with Shirin, I'm assuming So is more athletic and likely to be kept around should Masaya lose challenges. Jenn was a player I found similar to So and I liked her a lot, but I didn't see a strategic side to her like I did So. I was so surprised to see Max Dawson on the show, as I've been a Twitter follower of his for years and I know how much he loves Survivor. Max is my typical Survivor pick, but I decided to go against my usual instinct - plus I imagine Max will be a post-merge target, allowing someone like So to be shielded. I will say on the No Collar tribe I could see Joe being a real threat, and Mike on the Blue Collar tribe is a real fan that could persuade the tribe (or be a villain). But after Natalie's dominance of last season, I'm keeping the girl power alive.

Ok guys, time for YOU to cast your vote for your pre-show winner prediction! Who do you think will be Worlds Apart's Sole Survivor? VOTE BELOW - voting closes right when the east coast premiere begins!

February 16, 2015

The Bachelor: All the Hometown Awkwardness You Dreamed Of

2/16/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 7 - Part 2

The two night Bachelor event moves along, with another freaking date. Becca gets to chill with Chris in the loft he's staying in for the show. I'm confused how it's a loft when it looks like it;s on the ground floor and the door looks like a business entrance to the parking lot. Becca admits that she's never been in love before, despite being in an on-again-off-again four year relationship (she didn't see him as her husband). They end the night on the loft's rooftop watching (and kissing) by the sunset.

Back at the loft, Britt considers her all-about-me 'tude by telling the other girls she'll probably leave on her own accord before the Rose Ceremony. She's still pissed that after putting her heart out there, Chris didn't immediately bow down to her and automatically choose her for hometowns. Britt keeps changing her mind, which the others call out because they're so tired of her BS. Except there isn't a cocktail party for Britt to make her bold declaration, so it's off to the Rose Ceremony.

As Chris begins one of his many terrible speeches, Britt interrupts and asks for a moment to talk. She begins by apologizing for putting him in an awkward situation at the last date, and Chris explains the others girls question her honesty. Chris doesn't like Britt's disrespectful attitude and prefers Carly's behavior over Britt's tantrums. While Britt assures Chris she was always honest, he sends her out the door and she has a meltdown crying fit outside. The other girls feel no sympathy. Chris returns to complete the Rose Ceremony because he's "not playing games" and following his heart. In the most obvious rejection coming, Carly does not receive a rose. Well at least Britt got dumped before her?

Chris begins his North American voyage of family visits in Shreveport, Lousiana where Becca is from. As they talk and kiss in a canoe, all I'm getting Kermit the Frog singing "Rainbow Connection" vibes. Then Chris gets to meet Becca's family who immediately embrace him, maybe because Becca never brings guys home and they're super excited. Given the fact that Becca hasn't shared the virgin news with him yet, her sister drops a lot of hints to him (but he still doesn't fully get it because he's dense). Becca tells her sister she's not just going to blurt out, "I'm a virgin!" to Chris, instead wanting to share with him at the Fantasy Suite so if he isn't cool with it she'll know it's not right. Becca might be boring TV, but I think she's a good person who is here for the right reasons. Becca thinks she's kissing Chris goodbye, but instead whisks her off for a ride on a ferris wheel at the County Fair.

Whitney partakes in Bring Your Reality Television Boyfriend to Work Day at the fertility clinic. This place is lax enough to let Chris implant the sperm into an egg. Chris puts on his ultimate befuddled face when faced with the possibility of having to give a "sample" into a cup. Any of the Playboys in that room Jade's issue? Luckily it's a joke but honestly this could've been reality TV hilarity history. The family visit itself is quite different, as Whitney was raised by a single mother who passed away. Whitney's sister is the one who will give the relationship blessing, so Whitney stresses for her sister not to ruin this for her. Chris and Whitney later discuss the awkward chat Chris and the sister had, which definitely made him feel bad not getting full approval. To make sure her sister's mixed emotions don't throw this date off, a teary Whitney tells Chris she's fallen in love with him. Aww, I might be on the Whitney train.

While Kaitlyn is from Canada, her family wisely migrates to warm Phoenix in the colder months. Apparently not scared off by Chris' singing voice, Kaitlyn takes him to a recording studio to write and perform a rap together. It's unbelievably, painfully bad. Chris meets Kaitlyn's family and they wisely choose to not bring a copy of their new flop single. Mom wonders if her daughter is past the "really like" phase and she sees potential to fall in love. It's probably editing or something, but Chris spends zero time with her family on air. The night ends with Kaitlyn surprising Chris with a "Kaitlyn <3s a="" billboard="" chris="" his="" is="" knockoff="" of="" p="" skywriting.="" total="" which="">

Chris is confident that despite escaping Nebraska for Los Angeles Jade would totally be down to return to small town life. Yeah right now. Jade's biggest concern of the day is that he still doesn't know her Playboy secret and she's afraid her family will tell him first. It's a bomb waiting to explode since Chris says he admires Jade's "small town values" over and over, and her family keeps making off-handed comments that imply maaaybe there's more to Jade. Jade's dad questions if she's told Chris the truth because clearly the dope isn't in the know. At the hotel that night, Chris tells Jade how her brother called her "a wild mustang," so Jade knows it's time to let Chris in on a bit more of the real her. Jade admits when she came to LA she was approached and posed nude for Playboy. Jade busts out her computer to show Chris the photos and videos, which is a mixed of confusion and childish smirks. Some couples born over porn, but this just made it real uncomfortable. Chris says he doesn't judge her and appreciates who she is - the Playboy revelation doesn't affect their relationship and it's not a dealbreaker. Ugh, that's not dramatic at all!

A big decision lies ahead for Chris as he'll have to break one heart before heading to the Fantasy Suite dates (AKA Bone Zone). Whitney, Kaitlyn, and Becca receive roses, while Jade is empty-handed. Chris insists the only reason she's not moving on is because things are advancing fast with the others, not because she did nudie modeling. Chris sucks back some tears and he puts Jade into her limo of sadness.

Next week: the first non-farm related date location!

February 15, 2015

The Bachelor: A Boring Week in Iowa

2/15/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 7 - Part 1

Because this season isn't dragging enough, this week The Bachelor is a two night event with two episodes AND a Chris Tells All Special, because we need to hear him drone on more. After endless snow shoveling in the blizzard, I feel like three hours of The Bachelor on a Sunday is even more draining. But I do it for you (so be a sweetie and click the banner ads on shop on Amazon via my link to help a girl make a dime here and there).

So here's the Chris Tells All lowdown. Kelsey gets special interview to tell her side, completely baffled that she's controversial and insists her panic attack was real. She suspects it'll be a "crucifixion" at the Women Tell All and I am glad she didn't preface it with literally because we know that can't happen on televsion. It's basically nothing interesting in the slightest. So then it's onto Chris Harrison interviewing Chris Soules, a Chris-a-Chris. He noticed Ashley S. was bonkers on the zombie date, and it turns out girl was so crazy she wandered around the entire property and would go into production offices. Why? She believed there was a large gambling ring betting on her. OOOOOK. As for drunk girls Tara and Jordan, he was willing to give second chances but as we know Jordan turned into a social disaster based on the girls. And while Jillian's short shorts were oh so appealing to Chris, her choices of date convos were the turnoff. The love guru date was awkward, Jimmy Kimmel was the best, Becca chased a donkey, and he felt terrible for the others girls when he ditched them for a concert with Britt.

But what everyone was tuning in for on the special was Andi Dorfman's first interview after the breakup of her and Josh. The breakup wasn't as out of the blue as it seemed, as the couple was struggling for awhile. Questions about their engagement and impending wedding was something eye-opening when they realized they weren't going anywhere. Despite being extremely in love at first, they didn't mutually didn't feel they were bettering each other. Just in tears the whole time, Andi admits she's just sad. Andi admits she'll always still love Josh because he was he first true love and true heartbreak. "Where do you go from here?" asks Chris Harrison, AKA do you see yourself back on this show finding love again. But instead it's mega sadness as Andi calls this, "the biggest failure of my life." Chris wonders if over time her and Josh could be friends again, maybe even date - Andi hopes so. Well that was super depressing.


Still in Deadwood and fresh off of dumping Kelsey and Ashley, Chris is onto yet another Rose Ceremony to crush one more. The girls are radiant in their joy of Chris' decision to dump two hot messes. The next dumping goes rather quickly as Megan and Chris both acknowledge their relationship isn't moving as fast as it needs to be on a show that requires a proposal after three months of dating. Chris takes a moment to mope on a stoop before heading back upstairs to wrap up the Rose Ceremony, because it's not over yet - DRAMA! But Chris Soules breaks the rules and doesn't want to dump another girl tonight so Rose Ceremony cancelled. And they're all heading to Iowa, the true test of love and Chris Soules tolerance.

Jade is the first person to receive a second 1-on-1 date and she gets to visit Chris' hometown in all its teeny glory. Chris gives her a tour of his home and farm, which gives Jade lots of time to think about whether she could return to quiet, small town life after escaping to a life in fast, glitzy LA. Chris shows of all the selling points like no bars, no restaurants, no real coffee shop, no job opportunites - what selling points! Jade is freaking out, plastering on a smile while internally wondering what the hell she got into. Later, Chris and Jade attend the big high school football game and she gets to meet his parents. Wandering the halls of his high school, Chris continues his role as tour guide and Jade tries to open up a little, explaining she rebelled a bit against her small town ways, then ending with some in-school smooching on some random teenager's locker. The crowds of the football game gives Jade a sense of community that makes her thing Arlington isn't the worst thing ever, but props that she admits to Chris that it's something she struggles with a little (but I'm still not sold she'd move there).

Whitney and Chris meet up at an art gallery in Des Moines, which Chris describes as "metropolitan" and I chuckle. Instead of looking at other talented people, the pair decide to go around the city and take their own photos, 95% of them kissing. At night, Chris and Whitney head out to a bar where she meets three of his best friends. The guys grill Whitney on if she's ready to be in love, the Iowa move, etc. and she nails all her answers. Whitney opens up about the passing of her mother and how her hometown date won't be like others. Her candidness is wonderful. The date ends with a surprise: their photo from earlier has been painted on the side of the bar, street art mural style. Do you think they got Banksy to do it? Ok maybe not.

After hearing about Jade's date, Carly suggests the girls rent a car and take an impromptu trip to Arlington to see Chris' hometown. Caitlyn and Britt are torn about seeing the town before Chris wants them to, but also Soules Rules: do whatever you want. Windows down, sunglasses on, and chanting, "Road trip! Arlington here we come!" The mood totally changes when they get into the ghost town that is Arlington. The girls are totally shocked at everything being closed, including the church (but said church has the same photo of Jesus that Carly's grandparents have, so it's a sign). The local pastor tells the girls that if they want to have fun they leave Arlington. So earlier in the day, Britt told the other girls she couldn't live in Arlington, but back at the hotel she claims once she saw a sunset she was sold and knew she'd be on a nice farm and not in the sad downtown. All the girls are baffled by her sudden change of heart, and hardly buy into it.

Despite her wonderful date with Chris, Jade is feeling uneasy about where she stands. That's because she's harboring a secret, which she confides in Carly: a few years ago Jade posed for Playboy. Jade knows this could be a dealbreaker, especially when Chris' family eventually finds out.

Britt, Kaitlyn, and Carly head to the Wells Fargo Arena and meet Chris smack dab in the center of the arena... on ice. Chris has skated once in his life before, so it lends to a lot of falling and the girls chasing after him like, "Oh no!" Britt yet again drags Chris as far away from the date as possible for her alone time, talking to him on a bridge and admitting the girls roadtripped to Arlington. Britt tells Chris at first she thought it was so small, but once she saw the sunset over the cornfields she fell in love with the town. Chris is elated, while Carly is inside fuming over this blatant lie. Carly uses her alone time to call out Britt's actual reaction after Arlington, warning him to be careful since she cares for him. 

Worried that Britt is playing him for a fool, Chris pulls her aside again at the night cocktail portion of the date to get the real truth. Britt claims she likes reinventing herself and moving new places, denying she ever said "no way." Britt says she's not choosing the town, but the lifestyle, and wants to be a mom (this puts a big smile on Chris' face). As you'll recall Kaitlyn is on this date too and frustrated at the lack of time. Chris reassures her she killed it in the early weeks, so be confident. To make her feel better, he gives Kaitlyn the date rose which guarantees her a hometown date. When Chris reveals this news, Britt is confused and hurt that after her bold declarations he didn't select her. She's pissed and slowly begins to unravel. She's talking herself into a corner, making Kaitlyn feel like crap in the process. Britt's questioning whether she even wants Chris to come meet her family. It's all me, me, me for Britt. The girls revel in her misery.

February 9, 2015

The Bachelor: Helicopters (and Heartbreak) in the Badlands

2/09/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 6

So picking up from last week, Kelsey's laying on the floor having a panic attack. It's crying, gasping, and crew members requesting her answer questions and call an ambulance. The other girls don't bat an eye, sitting there emotionless and waiting for this drama to end. With a mask on for air, she has one request, "Can I talk to Chris?" then giggles that she'll definitely get a rose now. With a chat with Chris and a little kiss, Kelsey is back full of energy and ready to move along. It seems Kelsey's master plan worked and this is her day. The Rose Ceremony finally happens after all the nonsense, Kelsey gets her rose and Samantha (who?) and extraterrestrial believer Mackenzie are eliminated. Every single girl there is pissed, sure that Kelsey would've gone home if it weren't for her cocktail party shenanigans.

The group departs Sante Fe and arrives in Deadwood, South Dakota where Chris goes to one of those old timey photo booths to pose nude in a barrel tub.

Becca receives the first date and Kelsey gets all pissy again. Oh don't worry, your date is coming my love. Chris takes Becca out into the wilderness for horseback riding and then talking and cuddling by a campfire. Good news: they both want to be married with lots of kids. Becca really wants a kiss but she's a virgin and shy about kissing on TV. First, you signed up for a television show, second it's a whole different thing. Becca gets the date rose, they kiss. Snooze.

Back at the house, everyone hates Kelsey. They think she's a phony and Whitney calls her on it, from her laughing after her panic attack and using that moment to get more alone time with Chris. Kelsey cries about the emotional impact of sharing the story of a dead spouse. Carly has to inform Kelsey that people think she's a beyotch that makes rude comments. Kelsey thinks people don't understand her because she's "blessed with eloquence" and doesn't plan to lose sight of the ultimate dream: to win!

The group date girls head to a saloon and practice their songwriting skills. But Chris is no judge of music, he's a corn man! Musicians Big and Rich help the girls dig deep into their souls to bring their sweet Chris feelings into musical magic. Jade hits an early writer's block so Big (thanks @TPorter2!) makes her run down the street shouting to get inspired. To get the performances started, Chris has a good sense of humor and performances his terribly written song. It's like a possum dying while being accompanied by a banjo. The girls aren't as bad as I expected, and I'm totally enchanted by Kaitlyn's foul mouthed rap. Carly is the best but one would hope so since she's a cruise ship singer. 

But the whole date has a weird aura around it since Britt/Chris are all touchy-feeley despite the other girls being there. Chris knows their chemistry is undeniable, so much so that they just peace out of the night cocktail portion of the date to go to the Big and Rich concert. After dancing and kissing in the crowd, Chris gives the date rose to Britt on stage in front of the whole crowd and sing to "Save a Horse, Ride a Farmboy." GET IT?? This after Jade and Kaitlyn really put their hearts on their sleeves to say they're falling for Chris and worried about where they stand. So when Chris and Britt return and she's got a rose tucked in her cleavage, the girls are not pleased. Even Chris can read the room and gets out as fast as he can. Instead of fuming at Chris, the get mad at Britt since they feel humiliated. It's always fun when dates end in everyone sobbing. Chris is such a catch!

Not only is the final date a 2-on-1 Thunderdome date, but it's pretty much a Sophie's Choice date of which awful girl to keep on the show: Ashley or Kelsey. Making this even more awesome, this date is a helicopter ride (!!) over Mount Rushmore, landing in the Badlands. A single rose lay on a tray in the middle of the arid landscape. Ashley uses her alone time by going right in for a sloppy kiss, then talking about how the whole house thinks Kelsey is fake. Kelsey talks about how she's been a wife before, so the question is could she be Chris' wife. Chris wants his wife to be likable, so he brings up Ashley saying she's fake and she's taken aback, hoping he won't figure girl talk into his decision. "She's a Kardashian who didn't get to go on a princess date," Kelsey says, calling Ashley desperate. Tensions are high as Kelsey confronts Ashley, who blows her off and walks away and grabs Chris. She's pissed that Chris spilled the beans on their private conversation, which he explains he needed to bring up to get answers from Kelsey. Probably because she's annoying and immature, but using the reasoning of the lifestyle she needs, Chris dumps Ashley and she ugly cries like whoa. Kelsey gets teary as she confronts Chris after dumping Ashley, but it's not smooth sailing: Kelsey's a goner too. The girls are sad when they grab Ashley's suitecase, and cheer upon Kelsey's being taken. Double dumping, oh man do I love the drama a 2-on-1 date brings!

Next week: FIVE, yes five, hours of this show.