January 23, 2017

The Bachelor: That's So Raven

1/23/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4

Picking up from last week, Vanessa isn't here to date a guy that's just looking to bang around and do this Corinne nonsense. Corinne is blissfully unaware that the house hates her until Taylor and Sarah awake her from her slumber to let her know the jump castle ploy was not cool. Everyone hopes Nick will send Corinne home tonight but none of them remember this is a TV show and it's only week 4. The villainess receives the last rose of the night, which shocks all the girls except any person watching this show at home. Christen and Brittany are sent home and Corinne gives a cringey speech to annoy the girls.

It's time to evict the tenants from the Bachelor mansion for their first exotic destination of the season: Milwaukee, Wisconsin!!!! Nick's parents make a brief cameo to hear about the experience and then he's off to tend to his harem again.

Nick takes Danielle L on the first 1-on-1 date this week, strolling around his hometown of Waukesha where Nick points out all the places he's madeout or gotten action. After eating "Nick-erdoodle" and Chris Harrison decorated cookies, they "coincidentally" run into Nick's ex-girlfriend Amber and it's very anti-climactic. Nick and Danielle head to a field where Nick continues his legacy of fooling around in public Waukesha places. They head off to a hotel lobby for cocktails and conversation which is about 40% divorce talk and 60% Danielle giggling. The conversation is good for Nick (and the plunging neckline doesn't hurt either) so Danielle receives the rose and the honor of slow dancing in front of a crowd while some no-name musician performs. 

The group date girls are carted off to a dairy farm where they're greeted by Nick feeding a baby calf. Despite it's farm-centric theme, there is unfortunately no cameo by Chris Soules. I'm sorry. The girls are put to work doing farm chores like feeding and milking the cows. But farm life is far from glamorous and in the circle of farm life sometimes you've got to shovel poop. Corinne may run a multi-million dollar company but apparently has never performed chores in her life and leaves the date to go pout on a rock. The girls hopefully got a chance to shower before putting on their fancier clothes to have cocktails with Nick. Nick connects with Kristina the dentist and then receives a scrapbook from Vanessa that her students made. Corinne is realizing the girls dislike her and after comparing herself to a layered corn husk, so she tries to apologize while the girls point out the total BS of sleeping through a Rose Ceremony. Kristina gets the group date rose which is the perfect way to continue irking Corinne.

The final date of the episode is a 1-on-1 with Raven, who's been fairly lowkey this season minus some throwaway comments about Nick's libido. She feels like a 1-on-1 date in Nick's hometown is an extremely special gesture, which must make it even more mind-blowing when Raven gets to meet Nick's little sister and parents at soccer practice. The date moves on to the greatest day ever at the roller rink, skating and playing arcade games (how did a child get into the claw machine??) Kid sis Bella is a big Raven fan, as we all are as she seems genuine and real. Cue the skating montage to Sixpence None the Richer's "Kiss Me" for some lead-up to the big kiss. A romantic dinner is setup for Nick and Raven at the Milwaukee Art Museum where Raven regales him with the tale of catching her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. Raven explains that this crappy ex made her realize what a smart, wonderful, catch she is who deserves better. Nick of course gives Raven the date rose and they rollerblade through the museum.

Everyone heads to a barn for the next Rose Ceremony where tensions are rising between Corinne and Taylor. Taylor thinks Corinne is immature and not ready for a relationship. Corinne thinks Taylor is fake, stuck up, and mean - never call the girl who runs a multi-million dollar company an idiot! The volume gets louder and the others begin to hear the conversation. But not all of it because it's to be continued. Again.

[All images credited to ABC]

January 16, 2017

The Bachelor: Backstreet and Barf Bags

1/16/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3

Since the gossip is spreading around the house, Nick kicks off the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party by declaring he had sex with Liz at Jade and Tanner's wedding. Nick should've done an open forum for efficiency's sake, but instead chooses to answer each girl's questions 1-on-1. Because god forbid Corinne takes a break from being the center of attention, she wears only a trenchcoat to do a sexy, whipped cream fueled tease. Nick keeps it in his pants which sends Corinne into tears, because I guess she wanted to bang on a beanbag chair in the driveway? Corinne passes out up in her bedroom with her date rose by her side, missing the Rose Ceremony but honestly it's a relief to get even four minutes of the show without her. Nick hands out his roses and says goodbye to Hailey the Canadian and a few other blondes I don't even recognize.

You know how I love to rip on a concert date, but this week I can't. The first group date girls get to be backup dancers for the Backstreet Boys and I'm jealous only because they get to meet BSB. Not the dancing part, I'm a horrible dancer. Corinne is also a terrible dancer and being outshined by the other girls is a devastating blow to her confidence, sending her to the bathroom to cry. I see a pattern. Danielle L is deemed the dancer with the most chemistry with Nick so they get to slow dance and kiss in front of the 500 person crowd (and the others girls) while being serenaded with "I Want It That Way". Later that night, there's the usual post-date cocktail party where Corinne apologizes to Nick for skipping the Rose Ceremony. The girls are beyond tired of Corinne's antics and discovering she's a grown adult with a nanny doesn't help at all. The date rose goes to Danielle L, who Nick really connected with on and off the stage and by that I mean a lot of talking and making out.

Vanessa and Nick head up into the sky for a ride on a zero gravity plane which is the ideal place to fall (or float) in love and hold back vomit. After fun floating and kissing midair, reality sets in: Vanessa has to hurl. Vanessa takes care of business in a barf bag and Nick cradles the airsick beauty. Vomit mouth is apparently not a big deal for him and he kisses Vanessa more. Is he trying to make all the viewers puke too? Nick takes Vanessa up to the tallest building in LA for a romantic dinner which they won't eat, but will enjoy the wine. Vanessa shares that her grandfather passed right before coming on the show and received a red rose that day, which felt like a sign of support to go on the show. Nick talks about his past relationship failures on television and that he's starting to have feelings for Vanessa and is more optimistic about this whole experience in general. He even sheds a tear! Nick gives Vanessa the date rose and they kiss more, which I assumed they've brushed their teeth by this point.

The final group date girls get dressed in their Lululemon best for a track and field inspired "Nick-athalon" date complete with Olympians Allyson Felix, Michelle Carter, and Carl Lewis. There's a long jump compared to the length of a cardboard limo, the high jump into Nick's arms, and a javelin throw at the heart. In the final foot race for hot tub time with Nick, Rachel runs her ass off but totally knocks the victory ring off the platform and Astrid, wearer of the least supportive sports bra ever, wins that extra alone time to makeout with Nick. Meanwhile, Dominique is worried she's falling behind and not getting attention and since I didn't remember she was on the show, she's not wrong. After all the other girls get their time, Dominique finally gets to talk to Nick and vents that she doesn't feel she's getting a fair chance or enough attention. Nick admits their connection isn't very strong and he's bonded more with others, so he lets Dominique go. Nick returns and gives the date rose to Rachel.

Chris Harrison shows up to the house dressed super casual in purple plaid and dirty Adidas sneakers to announce there's no cocktail party... there's a pool party! The girls poorly apply sunscreen to Nick and get as much time as they can in before Corinne steals him away for fun (and straddling) in a bouncy princess castle. All the girls see this and yet again... they're not happy. It's that time of the season: time for the girls to spread the truth about Corinne. And when Vanessa begins to question their relationship and Nick's motives, it's a bad omen.

[All images credited to ABC]

January 9, 2017

The Bachelor: A Nice Day for a Topless Wedding

1/09/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , 1 comment
Week 2

The group date girls giggly drive in convertibles to the first date of the season: a wedding themed photoshoot! Since most of these girls will make a living posing with products on Instagram, this is a great practice date. Some girls get the honor of dressing as a bride while others are subjected to the humiliation of being the permanent bridesmaid. The photoshoots follow the time honored classic: shotgun wedding, Adam and Eve wedding, and 80s wedding. It's each girl's time to get touchy and overly sexual with Nick to get his attention and win the special surprise at the end of the date. Cue Corinne who takes her top off as bikini bride to one-up the other girls. This appeals to the photographer who looks like The Village People meets Weekend at Bernies, who chooses her to win some extra alone time with Nick. At the night portion of the date, Corinne's domination of the date doesn't end, snagging alone time first and interrupting two different girls throughout the night to get more time with Nick. The girls are livid and this annoyance is only intensified when Nick rewards her atrocious behavior with the date rose.

Danielle M receives the first 1-on-1 date and she gets the ultimate experience: a helicopter date! The helicopter lands on a big ol' yacht complete with a hot tub, so basically this is so many Bachelor cliches in one and I love it. The yacht portion of the date is barely shown because it was probably extremely boring because Danielle M is a normal human being. So normal that she doesn't know much about Nick's past on this show so he gives her the recap (sans mentioning when he asked Andi, "Why did you make love to me?"). Danielle shares with Nick that she was once engaged but her fiance passed away five years ago from an overdose. They have a connection so Nick gives Danielle the date rose, which she accepts with a kiss. The night ends with a ride on a completely empty ferris wheel which is the ideal place to kiss high in the sky for TV effect.

The last group date of the heads over to the Museum of Broken Relationships and if anyone deserves a giant presidential portrait there, it's Nick Viall. Nick did contribute an artifact to the museum: a wilted rose and one of his many rejected engagement rings. After reviewing the relics of past love gone wrong, all the girls get a chance to poorly act out a break-up with Nick. The positive is, neither of these are at the dead last phrase of a reality show so it's probably less crappy than Andi and Kaitlyn. Lingering in the air of past broken relationships is Liz and Nick's one night stand many moons ago, which Liz reminds the viewers over and over about. Previously only Christen knew Liz's secret, but in the break-up acting exercise, Liz spills all the tea and apologizes for their failed relationship. Nick begins to panic that all the women know the truth, but they seem to think Liz has written an amazingly detailed work of fiction. Except Christen, who tells Nick she knows the truth and he's not pleased. Nick grabs Liz and begins the grand inquisition to suss out of Liz is here for the right reasons. Nick doesn't get why she didn't ask mutual friends for his number instead of joining the cast of a reality TV show. Liz's reason is she wanted to get to know him because getting barely ten minutes together on group dates is adequate as opposed to phone calls, texts, DMs, etc. Nick decides he left Liz behind months ago and wants to move forward, sending her home from the date.

Next obstacle: making all the women not hate him when they find out the truth that he banged Liz before.

[All images credited to ABC]

January 2, 2017

The Bachelor: Nick's Fourth Time to Find Love on Reality TV

1/02/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 1

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then try again. And then have a miracle happen where TV producers decide to let you try again as the lead on The Bachelor to find love on reality TV a fourth time. Guys, Nick Viall is The Bachelor and I'm excited! Dumped twice at the proposal phase and leaving Bachelor in Paradise without a relationship with Jen, now Nick will have 30 women vying for his heart. Hopefully whoever is by his side at the end doesn't dump him or else MAN, that's an awful track record. Nick's family is supportive and he's got his former Bachelor brothers by his side: Sean Lowe (success), Ben Higgins (success?), and Chris Soules (farm neglector). It's time for Nick's fourth time to shine!

With the driveway slicked down and an overeager Chris Harrison ready to do his one night of hard work all season, it's time for the limos to arrive. And let me tell you guys, these entrances are terrible. So many "how are you?" and "I'm so excited you're the Bachelor!" I need crazies, so here's what we're working with. Danielle throws a fan and calls it "crazy" (but I call it littering). Bachelor franchise-eponymous jeweler Neil Lane shows up to meet Nick for what is already too many times in this series, this time serving as Jasmine G's plus one so she can show Nick the kind of rings she wants. Briana listens to Nick's heart with a stethoscope and Susannah gives him a beard massage. Josephine makes Nick "Lady and the Tramp" a hot dog, which means both take a bite on opposite ends and it's as awful as you think. Lacey makes a grand entrance and arrives on a camel wondering if Nick likes a "good hump." The final arrival of the night is Alexis, donned in a big ol' shark costume except she's extremely confident she's a dolphin. Listen, I have confidence this will be a good season but these entrances were weak.

Nick heads inside to give his introductory inspirational speech, then it's time for the girls to fight for their time to make an impression. Most girls assumed wearing a red dress would make them pop but instead it's a red sea in the Bachelor mansion. Instead of apparel, the girls have to rely on their personalities, which I'm sure is a horror for quite a few in the room. Rachel and Nick talk football and about her sweet lawyer skills. Corinne gifts Nick with an entire Scrooge McDuck sized sack of love tokens. There's a moment of chemistry in the air between Vanessa and Nick where a kiss seems imminent, but Corinne pulls a classic interrupter to grab him and kiss him first. He also has a nice time talking to Danielle M, a neonatal nurse that's kinda boring on TV but likely a good love match for Nick. Alexis' "dolphin" costume finally catches Nick's attention when he discovers her drunkenly wandering in the pool in the costume. Liz is very excited that Nick doesn't initially recall they had sex together at Jade and Tanner's wedding, which she calls mystery and most women would call "sad." Nick's a little suspicious that she declined exchanging numbers at the wedding yet is here to date him on TV. I mean, fair point.

After lingering for hours on the living room table, Nick grabs the first impression rose and gives it to Rachel. They kiss and Rachel leaves on final first impression: red lipstick smudges all over Nick's lips. With Rachel safe and the champagne glass clinked for the Rose Ceremony, the other girls begin to panic about their status with Nick. The roses are handed out and Nick and it's like a parting of the red sea as the girls come down one by one to get their rose. Despite questioning her intentions, the final rose of the night goes to Liz. Eliminated are a whole bunch of girls we didn't even know including a model, a girl who gave Nick an Eskimo kiss, and a girl with the last name Hussy. The group toasts to the journey ahead and I can't wait to mock all of it.

[All images credited to ABC]

December 19, 2016

Survivor Millennials vs. Gen X: Adam is the Sole Survivor

12/19/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , 2 comments
Week 13 - Finale and Reunion

Jay is upset that he threw away his Hidden Immunity Idol on the last vote and heads on a quest to find one last Idol to save him. It's the perfect time to find David's perfectly constructed fake Idol, which he even stashes in a painted coconut. Slow clap for this amazing craft project. Jay blows his chance at guaranteed safety when he forgets to cover up the secret code and every copies his answer. David ends up winning Immunity/Reward, and Jay uses the Reward Steal Advantage to steal the reward. But Jay's a good guy and includes David and Adam on the steak dinner reward to wine and dine them to the final three. Hannah and David are open to keeping around supershield Jay, but Adam knows that Jay has to go. At Tribal Council, they discussion that being well-fed and energized on day 36 is a huge advantage. You know what else is a huge advantage on day 36? The Legacy Advantage, which Ken plays and nulls out the one vote for him. Jay tries to play his fake Idol to no avail and is eliminated from the game.

Since it's the finale, the show needed to shoehorn in the battle of the generations by making the castaways solve a puzzle that said, "NOT A PARTICIPATION TROPHY." Ken wins immunity, not that anyone was planning to get him. David and Adam are targeting each other but Adam has a secret weapon: a second Hidden Immunity Idol he found earlier that day. Adam is giddy to reveal his plans to Hannah, who completely upends everything to run this vote. At Tribal Council, Adam plays his newfound idol but it doesn't matter. Hannah convinces David and Ken to switch their target from Adam to Bret, and Bret is eliminated from the game.

David isn't the only person surprised that Hannah saved him; Adam is livid at what could be a game-ending decision for them. The biggest decider of all will be the Immunity Challenge, which is a tense maneuver/stacking challenge resulting in a sudden death tiebreaker between Ken and Hannah. Ken wins the final Immunity Challenge and guarantees his spot in the final four, which means a 2-2 tie and firemaking challenge is likely imminent. All Adam wants is to finally boot David and even Hannah knows this is finally the time to say goodbye to David. What what about Ken, David's tightest ally? Ken, whose whole game is based on honor and loyalty. But can Ken beat David? At Tribal Council, Ken makes his biggest move yet and votes out his ally David for a better shot at winning the million dollar prize.

Adam, Hannah, and Ken celebrate day 39 with the traditional breakfast while heading into the toughest night of their voyage (except maybe being evacuated for a cyclone). The final three take their seats on the stumps and Jeff Probst brings in the jury (standout: Zeke in a shirt that I can only articulate as Saved by the Bell opening credits). A few jurors take the bait of shoving in Millennial and Gen X references to ask the typical questions. Ken explains he's an old school player based on loyalty, but the jury has mixed opinions. Will says it's a big move he's proud of, while Jessica points out it was cutthroat to eliminate his tightest ally on day 38. He's also pretty offended at the idea that Adam convinced him to vote out David; that was Ken's choice and no one elses. Hannah's argument is that she played a strategic game and is accountable for many of the jurors being eliminated, but many believe she's a flipper. Hannah's a very articulate finalist who owns and defends all her moves in a fantastic way. She totally owns this final Tribal Council, in my opinion, as she tries to take the win from Adam. Adam believes he played the strongest game of the final three and was able to make moves while avoiding being the target by not being the biggest person in control. It's pointed out that Adam was on the wrong side on the votes many times, which he explains he was able to fix his blunders. At the very end of Tribal Council, Adam reveals to the jury that he is playing this game for his family and his mom, home battling lung cancer. It's an emotional ending to a tough and defensive Tribal Council.

Flashforward to the live reunion and Jeff Probst comes out on stage without a jet ski or anything cool. In a unanimous vote, Adam is named the sole Survivor of Millennials vs. Gen X. It's an extremely emotional evening as it's revealed that Adam returned home and was able to tell his mother he felt he won the game before she passed away an hour later. But as Adam points out, sure this is a powerful story but it's also his life. Tears! Hannah, one of the strongest strategic players of the season, is relegated to a question about flirting with Ken which is absolute BS. In other news, Figtails is no more and Taylor just became a dad to a baby that didn't come from Figgy. David and Zeke both grew from the experience to become stronger people, while Bret appreciates being able to be open about his true self to Zeke while in Fiji. Jessica felt she had to stay true to her group and go to rocks and take a chance. Basically, almost everyone gets a question but I'm not recapping them all because.. that's dull. Just know, there was no Sia which means more time to actually hear updates from the players.

We end the finale with a preview of Survivor 34: Game Changers featuring a two-time winner, people who are playing for the fourth time, and other people where they will stretch the meaning of what a "game changer" is to justify casting. See you in March!

There's one last prize you guys: Pre-Show Winner Prediction trophies! My pick to win, Chris, made the jury but alas brought me no victory. However, four lucky folks correctly guessed Adam to win and they win the trophy! Congratulations!

[All images credited to CBS]

December 11, 2016

Survivor Millennials vs. Gen X: Double Header

12/11/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 12

Jay has the last Hidden Immunity Idol of the game, but he has no need to play it after winning the balance beam and disc rolling Immunity Challenge. Headed by Will and Jay, they try to assemble to votes needed for the next big move: David. Will's newfound confidence and desire for a "resume" padded with big moves (and a willingness to flip) makes him dangerous, so Adam decides the former swing vote is actually the biggest target. At Tribal Council, oonversation surrounds Will's big move last week and its impact to the game and alliances. What it all comes down to is everyone wants/needs to make a big move, but if you're noticed you won't last. This is definitely not the episode to play the "big move" drinking game. The group votes and ends in another blindside where Will is voted out. From high schooler to juror.

Oh wait, there's more! It's a double elimination episode.

Jay has no allies left but he does still have an idol and a keen ability to win individual immunity. Except on this day, Ken wins the timed puzzle solving Immunity Challenge and without guaranteed safety, Jay's in big trouble. David expects Jay to play the idol, which means there's a good chance David would get eliminated, so he recommends voting out Bret. Hannah thinks Sunday is a better person to vote out because she's a potential goat to bring to the end of the game. Adam doesn't want Jay or David in the game and wants to make sure one or the other goes home. Adam lets Jay in on the plan to an extent, telling Jay he needs to play the idol. In this moment of truth, Adam shares with Jay the biggest secret of all: his mother has cancer and is dying. Jay pulls his buff down over his face to mask the tears as Adam's story hits close to home because his mom has brain aneurysms. It's a true bonding moment between the two men.

Tribal Council time! David stresses the importance of friendships and bonds to get ahead in the game. Jay knows being a challenge beast and no allies is a pretty bad space to be in tonight. Sunday voices that people underestimate her and believes she could get votes at the end. Adam points out that everyone has been playing the game in their own way but it's ultimately up to the jury to reward whose game they liked best. The votes are cast and Jay plays his idol so he doesn't live with possible regret of going home with an idol in his pocket. The idol doesn't matter though, when the majority of the tribe votes Sunday out of the game.

And so the final six are crowned and it's going to be one busy finale.

[All images credited to CBS]