June 20, 2016

The Bachelorette: On the Way to Uruguay

6/20/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4

Previously on The Bachelorette, Chad was eliminated in the 2-on-1 Thunderdome date. Then men rejoiced and their celebration continues with scattering the remainder of Chad's protein into the wind. Why the show didn't pay for "Dust in the Wind" music rights, I'll never know. For some reason, Chad gets to return to the house to pickup his luggage unlike any other person eliminated on a date. He returns and leaves unapologetically and I'm so relieved this is ending because this storyline is draaaagging. After this one last heavy-handed move from production, Chad is gone for good. See you in Paradise, Chad.

It's time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony, where the vibe is better without Chad around. Chase somehow gets ahold of giant inflatable hamster balls to bump into JoJo and weirdly kiss inside of it. Robby and JoJo toss coins into a fountain (which she asks him how to do it, like legit is this how you toss a coin in a fountain for luc) and kiss in full view of all the other men. James F writes JoJo a poem which is quickly interrupted by Alex, high off that I-survived-Thunderdome-date swagger. Even with a rose, Luke gets alone time to reiterate how awesome the date was and he's falling for JoJo. Jordan just snags JoJo and slams her into a wall for a passionate kissing sesh. With Chad out, the guys suddenly realize there's way more enemies than the deli-platter lover. Joining Chad in the just booted club is his buddy Daniel and James F, whose poem apparently failed him. The night ends with one last surprise: the gang is going international! To Uruguay. Guys, we're scraping the barrel for destinations at this point.

Jordan gets the 1-on-1 date to the dismay of all who dreamt of a romantic solo date with JoJo in Uruguay. Also, the guys are beginning to question Jordan's motives - is he there for the right reasons? And how about Jojo? She knows he is a former pro-quarterback and InTouch Magazine, which for some reasons these guys possess, say she's in love with her ex and not there for the right reasons either. Oh drama! But it distracts from JoJo and Jordan's date of cruising on a yacht and swimming in seal-infested water. Apparently JoJo knows Jordan's ex and has heard stories about him, so wants to address her uneasiness with him now before she's too deep. Here's my question: JoJo knew of Jordan before this show because of this girl - did she know Jordan would be on the show? I'm confused. Anyways, Jordan says he didn't cheat but admits being a crappy boyfriend. Also in their severely edited down date, Jordan apparently told JoJo he's beginning to fall in love with her. She's of course quite happy with this and gives Jordan the date rose, followed by a stroll to a mariachi band and kissing and dancing in the street.

The group date guys are all nervous about a weird date knowing what they read in InTouch, but producers tip off JoJo who is furious. She assures the men she's here for the right reasons and they're all back to Team JoJo. After all the drama, the fun returns with a date surfing down sand dunes. At night they head to The Grand Hotel for drinks and JoJo time. Derek is the awkward guy who is starting to feel jealous about the other connections and worries his connection with JoJo might be weakening. Alex can't stand Derek's insecurity and when Derek gets the date rose as "reassurance", Alex is even more pissed.

JoJo befriends a stray dog before abandoning it for her 1-on-1 date with overly tan Robby. It's the typical tourist date where they walk around, snack, and bother street vendors. They eventually to decide to go cliffjumping in what I hope is a sanctioned area. Once they crash into the water they share a kiss. JoJo's into Robby, but Robby's WAY into her - like ready to say "I love you" already which is a bit much. While not eating the salad sitting in front of them, Robby and JoJo talk about their chemistry. Robby opens his heart up to JoJo about the passing of his best friend, which motivated him to change his whole life including ending a long relationship and quitting his job. Then Robby tells JoJo he loves her. JoJo is not appalled and instead flattered and appreciative. Robby receives the date rose and they head down to kiss on the beach under some planned fireworks.

The guys convene for the cocktail party but there's a weird vibe, so Derek pulls aside the "mean girls" Alex, Jordan, Chase, and Robby. Derek thinks the guys are cliquey and while Jordan apologizes, Alex ain't having it. Jordan also apologizes to the group if he's excluded anyone at all. Everyone is just like, "Um, I'm here to not get eliminated and get a rose to leave the drama behind." JoJo nixes the cocktail party since she already knows who she's vibing with and it's onto the Rose Ceremony. JoJo eliminates Grant the firefighter, Vinny the barber, and Evan the ED specialist. No one is surprised.

[All images credited to ABC]


June 19, 2016

Big Brother 18 Pre-Show Winner Prediction

6/19/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Hello summer and hello houeseguests! It's time for another season of Big Brother and expecting the unexpected (while also us viewers totally being able to expect all the twists). Already in the house we have two siblings of former players (Cody from BB16'S brother, Vanessa from BB17's sister) and remarkably small cast. Well already we can expect four more houseguests in this first week and no one will be surprised if they are returnees.

As I do every season, and fail oh so miserably, I watch all the videos on CBS.com and read the contestant bios and try to predict the winner. Will this season go any better? Expect the unexpected?

Melissa predicts...


Michelle will win Big Brother 18.

I've got good vibes on the ladies this season! I really liked the females while I felt many of the men were easier targets to go after or super bland (Corey is a generic hottie picked for showmances - right?). Ultimately I chose Michelle, a cute Big Brother superfan who seems like she could be a good, under-the-radar ally who makes it to the end. She looks like Nicole from BB16 and compares her gameplay to Ian, the superfan who defied the odds to win. Tiffany is Vanessa Ruosso's sister and while she plans to play differently than Vanessa, but that attachment alone will make her an early target. But if she can get around that initial target, she might be someone who I'll regret not picking. Zakiyah is gorgeous and another who caught my eye, and I was surprised by how much I liked Natalie. I'm rooting for her girl's alliance to finally come together because this batch of men are real snoozers. Except Paul. Paul is awesome and the only guy I think could take the win or that I'll likely even root for. Even with the rumors of the returnee's identities, and while I like several of them, I don't think any will actually stand a chance at winning.

Who do you think will win Big Brother 18? Use the handy form below to submit your pre-show winner prediction. Winners will receive [a picture of a] trophy at the end of the season! And in case you want to pick a returnee, you can select that option now AND I'll re-open the pick after the returnees are announced to allow you one day to chance your pick - but only to a returnee.



[All images credited to CBS]


June 7, 2016

The Bachelorette: Don't Poke the Chad Bear

6/07/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3- Part 2

We pick up right where the last episode left off with Chad talking to Chris Harrison and re-entering the house to make amends. Evan asks for a new shirt and apology; Chad's like fine, I'll give you twenty bucks and promises he won't get violent. The end. JoJo arrives at the house for the all day pool party, where it's all laughs, margaritas, and ogling JoJo. Somehow Evan gets a nosebleed diving into a pool because he's that guy. JoJo gets more time with Jordan and she's totally into him already and isn't sure he's as into her, which makes her nervous and Jordan realizes he needs to show his vulnerability. Chad defends his earlier comments about Evan, but Evan interrupts yet again and out comes pissy Chad. And when he overhears Derek talking about him, Chad decides to confront Derek. Derek thinks Chad is there for TV and while he hasn't been violent yet, he sees it as a possibility; Chad just wants to be left alone. Well he'll have to tolerate the guys a little while longer because he receives a rose, much to the chagrin of the others, and instead JoJo eliminates Christian, Ali, and Nick.

The guys depart the Bachelorette mansion for their big adventure of love starting with... Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. Guys I have no idea where it is either but apparently it allows for JoJo to arrive in a tiny plane and the guys can go muddin'. Chad takes some alone time, as usual to sit and ponder, and hopes the guys don't poke the "Chad Bear" as the show cuts to a shot of a wandering black bear. Spirit animal power activate! And then he bickers with the guys a lot more, but I'm tired of recapping it so you can just imagine Chad arguing with the guys over and over and threatening to fight them outside.

Luke receives the first 1-on-1 date in beautiful Pennsylvania where they go dog sledding, but on land because the show is too broke for Alaska I guess. That lasts for 30 seconds before hopping into a wood fire tub AKA rustic hot tub that they overheat with too much wood. JoJo likes that Luke is attractive but also a country boy. That night, the couple head to their private dinner where we get backstory of why Luke seems like a mysterious drifter in the night. Turns out he was recruited by West Point to play football and eventually deployed to Afghanistan, which matured him a lot. After a friend died, it made Luke value life for every minute. JoJo emotionally connects with Luke, giving him the date rose and surprising him with some slow dancing in front of a loud iPhone pic snapping crowd at another exclusive concert. JoJo is totally smitten with Luke.

The group date guys get to peace out of Nemacolin and head to Heinz Stadium in good ol' Pittsburgh for a football date. "Big Ben" Roethlisberger, Heinz Ward, and Brett Keisel are there to train the guys and make them run drills. I know Big Ben is a Pittsburgh hero but I think his criminal background should have maaaaaybe omitted him from a show about dating. Back to JoJo's guys. They play hard to impress and win time with JoJo. James Taylor cuts his head and gets bandaged (someone check him for CTE!) and yet again Evan gets a mysterious nose bleed. Since he was a former NFL quarterback, Jordan gets to be on both times and guarantees himself the night portion of the date which must make JoJo very happy since the team that won is mostly guys she's clearly not into. The winners get a cocktail party to get their earned JoJo time. Robby has had little time with JoJo but apparently they feel a mutual connection, so he lifts her onto the pool table to makeout which is so cringey. JoJo wants Jordan to be more vocal about his feelings because he's hard to read, so he explains in front of a water fountain that he's falling for JoJo and they kiss. Jordan gets the group date rose which is no surprise at all.

In a wonderful stroke of evil genius, the produers put rivals Chad and Alex together on a 2-on-1 Thunderdome date. Two men enter, one man leaves! Before departing for the date, Chad gives some threatening parting words to threaten Jordan - then heads out for some romance! Chad and Alex are flown in a helicopter (H.R.E.A.M.!) and meet JoJo in the middle of nowhere for a hike. Giving the guys a machete and axe is also an excellent idea. The trio sit down for an extremely uncomfortable level of silence before splitting off for alone time with each guy. Alex uses his time to rip on Chad so that he can't manipulate JoJo, who is surprised to find out Chad's a lot more ragey than she realized. In her alone time with Chad, JoJo expresses her confusion at all the threats she's heard about and he tries to kinda deny/kinda finesse the story. JoJo doesn't like the threats of violence as a way to deal with emotions, and when she leaves Chad takes his anger out on a poor camping mug and throws it into the river. Chad heads back to tell Alex he's not mad but disappointed (such a dad-like move) and they get into it, AGAIN. JoJo ain't down with the physical violence threats so she dumps Chad and gives the date rose to Alex, leaving Chad alone in the woods and I hope they left him a tent. The men celebrate with champagne and confetti poppers at Chad's demise.

But just when you think he's gone, he ain't! There's a knock on the front door AND a creepy squeaky finger drag. IT'S CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.

[All images credited to ABC]


June 6, 2016

The Bachelorette: Ripped Shirts and Bruised Egos

6/06/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3 - Part 1

Chase receives a "Let's get physical" date card and sadly, it is not an Olivia Newton-John themed date. Instead it's JoJo trying yoga for the first time, so the show sends her on tantric yoga that has the couple screaming and shouting in the unsexiest ways (apparently called "angergasms"). JoJo realizes this idea for a yoga date was a terrible idea, but at least she look at Chase who is hot. A tantric stare pose leads to a super sexy first kiss and both are like "Yeah, OK, yoga's cool now." Later they share a romantic evening getting to know each other at a vineyard. Chase is a child of divorce so takes marriage very seriously. JoJo likes how she saw the fun, serious, and genuine sides of Chase so she gives him the date rose. The date ends with the season's first private concert by Charles Kelley, and I have never heard of him but I do know Charlie Kelley from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia so I am in a GIF hole right now of that weirdo.

There's a big group date and SHOCKER, Chad is not happy to be on a group date and would rather sit it out instead of sharing. Meanwhile, Evan pretty much cries when he gets invited. The guys are already pretty sour on Chad so this is just another item to add to the Chad Shitlist. Jordan makes a joke that hopefully the date is a bench press competition not a spelling bee, Chad gets pissed and throws a lowball right back, calling Jordan a "27 year old failed football player". Alex jumps in to get his shot at Chad too. It's all so uncomfortable so let's bring on that date!

If you were wondering if they could keep the uncomfortable level high with this group, the answer is hell yes! The guys are invited to a theater performance with a woman faking an orgasm and telling her sexual tales. Cue the dropped jaws of the men. Surprise: the guys are the special guests and they'll share their sex stories on stage! The men have 45 minutes to prepare and some are ready to spill all the tea, others (basically Chad) don't want to talk about the past and think it's a little early in the process to tell their sex secrets. The guys have some fun with their stories, really getting the crowd of ladies giggling and JoJo looking like she's going to pee her pants. Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist decides to use his entire performance as "cautionary story" about using steroids, meant to be a direct diss at Chad. Chad is last on stage and uses his storytime to bring JoJo on stage and try to kiss her, but she turns away. The guys are elated to see him crash and burn, literally chest bumping to celebrate like bros do.

The night portion of the date is drinks and JoJo time at this restaurant that is borderline antiques store/hoarders nest. JoJo gets some great time with guys and knows she's looking for a best friend who she can spend her life with a feel safe. Cue Chad's entrance after the word "safe" for some wonderful Bachelorette editing. The guys ask Chad about JoJo avoiding his kiss early, and he's not that upset, but is more pissed about Evan bumping into him after the performance. On the reverse, Even feels Chad became physically aggressive with him and tells Chad he wishes he got an apology right after the incident. Chad's answer is "leave me alone". Finally Chad gets his alone time with JoJo where he discusses disliking group dates and his rivalry with Evan. Evan interrupts Chad's time and tells JoJo if Chad stays, he will leave. JoJo decides to offer the group date rose to Evan and I'm surprised he didn't nearly cry tears of joy again. Chad is shocked and vocalizes his confusion about Evan getting the rose, and his disrespect irks JoJo. The date ends and the guys board the most depressing party bus home with Chad seething.

James Taylor is the recipient of the last 1-on-1 date and I must remind you, it is not the singer/songwriter from the 70s, but instead a new singer/songwriter we won't remember in a year. The couple get all dolled up in some vintage threads and get swing dancing lessons from an old lady at the Culver Hotel, and those lessons are needed cause James Taylor can't dance. After a horrible lesson, JoJo and James Taylor join in with a bunch of pro swing dancers outside, dancing like crap but having a blast. Later they take the classic car up to makeout point to sip unknown beverages from thermoses and try to make a romantic connection. JoJo likes James Taylor's "zest for life" and he opens up about being a homely kid and getting teased. JoJo digs James Taylor and gives him the date rose off the dashboard. Apparently James Taylor smuggled along his guitar so wraps the date with a song just for JoJo that thankfully has more words than "JoJo" over and over.

The guys don't feel comfortable with Chad around so they take a logical approach to it all: hire a security guard. Daniel explains to Chad the guys think he's a loose cannon since he punched a door and gets mad a lot. After some poorly phrased analogies to Hitler, Mussolini, and Donald Trump, the moral of Daniel's poor references is that being friends with Chad is making him look bad too. The guys wonder what will happen with Chad at the Rose Ceremony, but it's to be continued so guess what? No cocktail party! It's an all-day pool party instead! The guys are excited except for Evan who quickly follows Chris Harrison out to tattle that Chad ripped the back of his shirt and punched a door. Chris Harrison takes Chad aside to let him know the guys are afraid of him and Chad defends himself. Since there's a no violence policy, Chris Harrison tells Chad to go inside and make nice. Gonna guess this is NOT going to be a happy ending. But we'll find out TOMORROW!

[All images credited to ABC]


May 30, 2016

The Bachelorette: Choose Your Own Dateventure

5/30/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 2

JoJo's first date card arrives with quite the bang: a fiery explosion in a limousine. Please tell me there wasn't a day late candidate arriving. Oh phew, it's a stunt and it all ends with a firetruck pulling up the driveway and sexy firefighter JoJo arriving to save the day with a hose. The group date guys are whisked away to compete in firefighter training drills. Wells gets alone time with JoJo first with an unconventional approach: get so dehydrated that a bunch of firefighters make you sit down and drink a bottle of water. Take what you get! Grant the actual firefighter slaughters the competition and supposedly wins more time with JoJo, but since everyone gets alone time it was kinda pointless. At the night portion of the date, Grant gets the first kiss of the evening and Luke mopes about his lack of JoJo time. DUDE, every single one of you gets alone time - have some patience. When Luke gets his alone time, he opens up about his military background and desire for a relationship. Then they kiss on the balcony so can Luke now shut up about not getting enough time with JoJo. But it's the upset of the night when Wells the dehydrated guy gets the rose. Play the slow game, Wells. Do your thang.

Derek receives the first one-on-one date which is Choose Your Own Adventure style with options like Air or Sea and North or South. Their many choices lead them to a romantic wine picnic for two at the Golden Gate Bridge. After the fastest day date to ever air, JoJo puts on a shimmery black dress for s romantic outdoor dinner by a reflecting pool. JoJo continues her trend of wanting to know about past relationships, which leads to Derek talking about having a hard time opening up after his last failed relationship - the ol' Bachelor cliche. JoJo relates since her last ex led her on on national television and dumped her. JoJo gives Derek the date rose and they kiss as silhouettes in front of a beautifully lit fountain.

If you're wondering who this season's douche is, it's Chad. The almighty Chad feels he's better than everyone else in the house, spending his time alone and building free weights out of his luggage to pump himself up. I mean, I don't totally disagree with avoiding a dozen men writing songs about JoJo under the influence of an open bar. He's annoyed that everyone is obsessed with JoJo without fully knowing her and I understand and agree with his point, but it's his total lack of tact that makes him horrendous. Chad does have one friend in the house: Daniel the Canadian, who still things the "Damn Daniel" meme is funny. More on Chad's douchiness later.

The final date of the episode is a group date at the most brotastic place ever: ESPN's office. The hosts of SportsNation allegedly want to help JoJo find love by testing and power ranking the guys with BachelorNation drills. These drills include humiliating endzone rose dances, dizzy bat proposals, and a press conference to answer uncomfortable questions. SURPRISE! Chad is a mega a-hole on this date too, going so far as calling JoJo "naggy". Chad's blunt honesty gets his power-ranked in the number two spot, but James Taylor is the number one guy in this group. The date moves onto the night portion where JoJo wears a sweater with a lot of dangling yarn in Houdini's backyard. As JoJo gets alone time with each of the guys, Chad narrates commentary about how much he hate everyone. Like, not even trying to be likable at all. Chad shows his human side when he talks about losing his mom and inheriting her little Yorkie, which is enough to charm JoJo into a kiss by a wishing well. Chad's officially a JoJo convert so maaaaaybe he'll be less judgey? Doubtful buy hey, dream big. It's not enough for the date rose though, which goes to James Taylor after really opening up emotionally to JoJo.

It's time for the cocktail party and before JoJo can even get inside, Chad steals her away for some private time/early damage control and the guys are annoyed.  Chase didn't get a date this week, so surprises JoJo during alone time with fake snow and mittens to give some info on his wintery background. Meanwhile, the guys hold a Chadtervention to get answers because I guess these guys have never seen that producers set all this drama up. He's too busy chomping down protein to care, yet cares enough to complain about how other guys having fun is immature. Chad interrupts Alex's alone time, THEN interrupts Evan's alone time. Dude has NO CHILL. Guys, it's time for another Chadtervention. Alex asks Chad to chillax a little, that his constant interruptions are probably weirding out JoJo too. But at the Rose Ceremony of course Chad isn't eliminated because his narrations of sick burns can't be gone so soon. Eliminated this week is James the Bachelor Superfan (send him to Paradise to meet Jorge!), the Hipster, and that guy with the fortune teller last week. 

Next time: Chad is still pissy.

[All images credited to ABC]


May 23, 2016

The Bachelorette: Loco for JoJo

5/23/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 1

After being led on by Ben for a bunch of episodes, Joelle Fletcher AKA JoJo gets the honor of taking on the most important role in our country: The Bachelorette. Much like the forefathers of our great nation, JoJo seeks advice from previous Bachelorettes Ali, Desiree, and Kaitlyn. With wisdom coursing through her veins (and a the remnants of a wine buzz), JoJo slips into a shimmery nude colored gown and takes her place in front of The Bachelorette mansion with Chris Harrison's folded hands.

As usual, I'm skipping the video packages in favor of limo entrances - except I'll quickly tell you one dude is the brother of NFL star Aaron Rodgers. His name is Jordan and he's first out of the limo and saying "My brother is famous" is not his intro line, surprisingly. The first limo is all the boring entrances who didn't get nudged by producers to be stupid - just basic one-liners and hugs but there's a hot fireman and an overly tan guy brings a bottle of wine. One dude brings cue cards for an awfully executed joke, so it's what I dream of in an intro: horrible. A guy named James Taylor is a singer songwriter, because I think it's a legal responsibility with that name, and busts out an original song on his guitar. Jonathan is half Chinese and Scottish so he shows up looking fresh as hell in a kilt. But it's Saint Nick who goes to the extreme for his intro, dressed up as Santa Claus. This is naughty list material and not in a sexy naughty way but in a nope, that's no good way. Santa isn't the only one with gifts, as JoJo also receives a slice of toast, a heart, stress balls, and a serenade by ALL 4 ONE from her suitors. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You win, Wells. Luke the country guy shows them all up but riding up on a unicorn, AKA a sad white horse wearing a horn and demanding union dues. All the guys are getting pissed at the showy displays when they just did one-liners that flopped. U JEALOUS?

With the lackluster introductions over, JoJo heads inside to get to know the men more. Alex the Marine is the first to snag JoJo for alone time which includes doing pushups with her on his back. But everyone is really nervous around JoJo, mostly because they're a big batch of duds, which makes it really hard to have an instant connection. When you've got a guy who has to sell himself with the "Daaaamn Daniel" meme, you know it's bad. JoJo has a great connection with Jordan the former NFL quarterback whose brother is still a famous NFL quarterback. Thankfully there are a few non-duds around and JoJo starts to feel chemistry with more guys. Will uses a paper fortune teller to get an awkward first kiss with JoJo and I need to stress how horrible it was - and JoJo agrees. But she's not against kissing at all as a second meeting with Jordan leads to a hot first real kiss and a little dance. JoJo begins chatting up more guys and has some standouts: Chad charms her a bit, Ali's piano skills are swoonworthy, Luke's an "attractive" cowboy (her adjective, not mine), and Santa is actually attractive. When Chris Harrison does the famous First Impression Rose drop we all know that sucker is going tacked to Jordan's lapel in no time. Of course he accepts the rose.

It's that time of the night when uncomfortable guys get totally loaded to handle the process. Daniel appears to be the drunkest of all, dropping lots of Canadian "ehs" and poking belly buttons like Poppin' Fresh. He proceeds to be the drunk guy who strips down to his undies night one and jump into the pool. Ok, "Damn Daniel" is appropriate in this instant. The self described Bachelor superfan is probably like, "Cross this off the night one Bingo card!" Another dude get so wasted he basically blackout brings JoJo a glass of lemon water while she's doing a confessional interview. He leaves and then another drunk dude interrupts. Nothing like a slurry declaration of love to woo JoJo. Yet none get a pre-rose ceremony boot. Bummer, because they're clearly losers that'll make it three weeks tops.

Chris Harrison clinks the champagne glass to bring the cocktail party to an end and get this Rose Ceremony poppin'. Only Jordan is safe right now, and his connection is immediately questioned by Chad (and likely others). Just as JoJo's about to hand out her first rose another pair of brown loafers walks through the front door: it's former Bachelor douchebag Jake Pavelka. But THANKFULLY it's all a ruse to terrify fans. Jake is not there to date JoJo but instead to give advice. Um, didn't his ex Ali already step in to give words of wisdom? Jake is there a hot minute before departing to let the Rose Ceremony commence. Listing who gets roses is too much, so let's breakdown which guys are out the door and it's surprisingly not the sloppy drunks. Leaving us on night one is lemon water drunk guy, kilt guy, and a couple bland semi-attractive men. One big final toast with Santa's chant of  "Jo Jo Jo!" and it's the end of the first Rose Ceremony.

[All images credited to ABC]