After being led on by Ben for a bunch of episodes, Joelle Fletcher AKA JoJo gets the honor of taking on the most important role in our country: The Bachelorette. Much like the forefathers of our great nation, JoJo seeks advice from previous Bachelorettes Ali, Desiree, and Kaitlyn. With wisdom coursing through her veins (and a the remnants of a wine buzz), JoJo slips into a shimmery nude colored gown and takes her place in front of The Bachelorette mansion with Chris Harrison's folded hands.
As usual, I'm skipping the video packages in favor of limo entrances - except I'll quickly tell you one dude is the brother of NFL star Aaron Rodgers. His name is Jordan and he's first out of the limo and saying "My brother is famous" is not his intro line, surprisingly. The first limo is all the boring entrances who didn't get nudged by producers to be stupid - just basic one-liners and hugs but there's a hot fireman and an overly tan guy brings a bottle of wine. One dude brings cue cards for an awfully executed joke, so it's what I dream of in an intro: horrible. A guy named James Taylor is a singer songwriter, because I think it's a legal responsibility with that name, and busts out an original song on his guitar. Jonathan is half Chinese and Scottish so he shows up looking fresh as hell in a kilt. But it's Saint Nick who goes to the extreme for his intro, dressed up as Santa Claus. This is naughty list material and not in a sexy naughty way but in a nope, that's no good way. Santa isn't the only one with gifts, as JoJo also receives a slice of toast, a heart, stress balls, and a serenade by ALL 4 ONE from her suitors. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You win, Wells. Luke the country guy shows them all up but riding up on a unicorn, AKA a sad white horse wearing a horn and demanding union dues. All the guys are getting pissed at the showy displays when they just did one-liners that flopped. U JEALOUS?
With the lackluster introductions over, JoJo heads inside to get to know the men more. Alex the Marine is the first to snag JoJo for alone time which includes doing pushups with her on his back. But everyone is really nervous around JoJo, mostly because they're a big batch of duds, which makes it really hard to have an instant connection. When you've got a guy who has to sell himself with the "Daaaamn Daniel" meme, you know it's bad. JoJo has a great connection with Jordan the former NFL quarterback whose brother is still a famous NFL quarterback. Thankfully there are a few non-duds around and JoJo starts to feel chemistry with more guys. Will uses a paper fortune teller to get an awkward first kiss with JoJo and I need to stress how horrible it was - and JoJo agrees. But she's not against kissing at all as a second meeting with Jordan leads to a hot first real kiss and a little dance. JoJo begins chatting up more guys and has some standouts: Chad charms her a bit, Ali's piano skills are swoonworthy, Luke's an "attractive" cowboy (her adjective, not mine), and Santa is actually attractive. When Chris Harrison does the famous First Impression Rose drop we all know that sucker is going tacked to Jordan's lapel in no time. Of course he accepts the rose.
It's that time of the night when uncomfortable guys get totally loaded to handle the process. Daniel appears to be the drunkest of all, dropping lots of Canadian "ehs" and poking belly buttons like Poppin' Fresh. He proceeds to be the drunk guy who strips down to his undies night one and jump into the pool. Ok, "Damn Daniel" is appropriate in this instant. The self described Bachelor superfan is probably like, "Cross this off the night one Bingo card!" Another dude get so wasted he basically blackout brings JoJo a glass of lemon water while she's doing a confessional interview. He leaves and then another drunk dude interrupts. Nothing like a slurry declaration of love to woo JoJo. Yet none get a pre-rose ceremony boot. Bummer, because they're clearly losers that'll make it three weeks tops.
Chris Harrison clinks the champagne glass to bring the cocktail party to an end and get this Rose Ceremony poppin'. Only Jordan is safe right now, and his connection is immediately questioned by Chad (and likely others). Just as JoJo's about to hand out her first rose another pair of brown loafers walks through the front door: it's former Bachelor douchebag Jake Pavelka. But THANKFULLY it's all a ruse to terrify fans. Jake is not there to date JoJo but instead to give advice. Um, didn't his ex Ali already step in to give words of wisdom? Jake is there a hot minute before departing to let the Rose Ceremony commence. Listing who gets roses is too much, so let's breakdown which guys are out the door and it's surprisingly not the sloppy drunks. Leaving us on night one is lemon water drunk guy, kilt guy, and a couple bland semi-attractive men. One big final toast with Santa's chant of "Jo Jo Jo!" and it's the end of the first Rose Ceremony.
[All images credited to ABC]