Reality Rundown: Go Fish

The Bachelor - Week 4

Ben and the women head to Park City, Utah which seems like the ideal place for polygamous dating to take place. There are two one-on-one dates and one group date. Booo I want a Thunderdome date, for real.

Ben brings Rachel on the first solo date to "let nature take its course." If it's survival of the fittest, Kacie B won't make it cause she's that whiny girl who had the first date and now is desperate for another date. But it's time for Kacie to STFU because... HELICOPTER DATE!!! About GD time. The helicopter lands in the mountains for Ben and Rachel to go on a canoe ride and enjoy a picnic. By enjoy I mean force conversation and sip champagne. Shouldn't the booze make you chatty? Hours later they have another romantic meal in some pelt-covered hut and their banter is awkward and not flowy. Once Rachel opens up about not opening up it's enough for Ben to give her a rose. That and because she's attractive. Ben is transparent. They make "sch'mores" (really Ben?) and kiss.

The group date brings to the wilderness to ride some horses and go fishing. Considering the constant state of drunkenness of these women and their general stupidity, shouldn't these hoes be wearing helmets? The horse ride ends for a wardrobe change to go fly fishing to catch their lunch. Hope someone fishes out a bottle of champagne. The editors must want me to hate Kacie because they devote so much airtime to Kacie's constant pleas for validation. Courtney doesn't care for group dates and makes it her mission to take Ben alone and make it a solo date. Ben doesn't care because he's obsessed with Courtney and their shared love of mustard. Outdoorsy Lindzi tries to weasel her way in but no luck: Courtney catches a fish and makes herself even more almighty in Ben's mind.

The group migrates to a hotel for dranks and there is a pool but it's not on a rooftop. Nicky, who has only been on group dates, is soooo feeling Ben and wants more alone-time, and wisely uses it to talk about her dead boss and seizing the moment. Turns out Ben has a dead-friend story to share too. Then, Samantha interrupts with the no-date scenario and just asks for a solo date to get some time with him to make an impression. Ben appreciates the honesty but thinks group dates are good to observe others and notes she's highly emotional and maybe not even here for him. Burn! Even better, he tells her right away that he doesn't seem them lasting much longer and ends it ON THE DATE. SERVED!!! Ben has to explain to the girls what happened and reiterates he is taking this very seriously and they should be too. Kacie eventually gets her reassurance alone time so maybe she'll shut her fucking mouth now. Courtney whines about having to share a date with others and claims it's hurt her opinion of their relationship. Get this: Ben runs off to get the rose and give it to Courtney as an apology and reassurance. Then she uses Charlie Sheen catchphrases and ugh, die bitch.

Best-kisser Jennifer gets the other solo date to "pick our love song." Another private concert? Ughhhh. But first, Ben and Jennifer climb over a fence with a No Trespassing sign and encounter a bigass crater in the ground. They get harnessed up, lower themselves into the crater and then drop into the water. Belly/butt flop! They spend the evening eating a romantic outdoor dinner that gets thwarted by the rain. Ben wasn't really sure if they had a romantic vibe but the date helped so Jennifer gets a rose. They makeout on a ski lift ride and come upon a Clay Walker concert with a fake crowd of townies and Ben/Jennifer standing high above them in the crowd.

The cocktail party begins to bring out the cattiness as the process goes on. The elephant in the room: Ben doesn't seem to notice Courtney is an asshole. Emily seems most bothered by Courtney, comparing her to a beautiful, cold, hard marble sculpture. Emily decides she has to be the person to point out Courtney is a different person around the girls. Ben asks Emily to not read into things and tells her it will only lead to her own demise. Someone has watched many an-episode! Except if Ben watched the show he'd know that when the girl is an asshole, your relationship won't work. Some other Casey I have never seen before relays to Courtney what Emily told Ben; Courtney half brushes it off, half curses Emily out in front of the group. Emily begins to realize maaaaybe she made a mistake using her alone time to talk smack and the verbal smackdown she got doesn't help. Lucky for Emily, Ben lets her buttinski nature slide this week and it's Monica who is eliminated.

Next week: Courtney continues to be a megabitch in Puerto Rico.

Reality Rundown: Dolvett's Team are Jerks

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - A Temptation lies ahead in a room filled with Chinese food. Besides the crab rangoon, fortune cookies, and lo mein I'd pass on all that ish. This week will be face-off week where each team will put a person head-to-head against them, and the winner of the Temptation will get the make the decision. Winner also gets a 2lb advantage to either keep or split. Bigger twist: if no one eats or if it's a tie, they automatically face off against their loved one partner. Eeeeevil. The red team decide together to not eat anything. The black team decides to eat one fortune cookie and no one wants to eat the THIRTY CALORIES. Cassandra steps up and eats two fortune cookies. Cassandra gets the power and the 2lb advantage. I love the red team bitching about the black team being weak but it's like 60 calories and they didn't want to compete directly against a loved one sooo STFU.

Joe, whose brother was the dick that got eliminated last week, packs up his suitcase and decides to leave campus. His team is not happy but he wants his family. Bob is not happy to see his black team is short a member, giving a weird confused face and wishing it was a joke. Bob calls Joe at home, and BTW there is a camera crew with Joe, and is not happy and worries Joe might not have learned enough to finish the journey at home. But whatever, back to the gym to focus on the people that want to be there in a very tough week of battles.

There is of course a challenge, which is to pump water, transport it through an obstacle course, and melt an ice cube with a prize envelope inside. Slightly different, the trainers are involved in the event helping their teams stay on track. The red team wins the challenge, even if Santa Roy almost blew it by not hearing them. The prize inside is video chats with their family- not surprising. Some of the red team members give up their videos so members of the black family can have them. Mark gave his video to Chism since he's young and has a girlfriend and mom to chat to, so in turn Buddy gives his video to Mark. Aww.

After the tears from videos and last chance work-outs, the weigh-in commences. Since Joe forfeited and quit the show, old lady Nancy wins one point immediately for the red team. The the black team starts to get some points. Lauren lets the red team down a bit with a mere 3lb loss. The biggest showdown is annoying red team bitch Conda vs. Subway sandwich winner Cassandra; Cassandra demolishes Conda and brings the victory point to the black team. Santa Roy has the highest percentage of weight loss so is immune, but before they depart Dolvett gives them a pep talk to let them know he can and will push them more. The votes come to old, weak Nancy or Lauren, a young girl with no screen time but I guess has a stable home to return to. Lauren gets eliminated and I truly had no idea who she was until tonight so goodbye girl I didn't know existed.

Top Chef: Texas - The silver fox chef Eric Ripert is the guest judge at this week's Quickfire which is to grab three ingredients from a conveyer belt to make a dish. The catch is the longer you wait, the better the items but then time to cook is less. Some people, like Ed and Beverly, take ingredients right away while Chris, Lindsay and Sarah wait around a while. The winner of the Quickfire is Lindsay who made a bouillabaise and wins immunity. Beverly would've won if she remembered to put the damn Rice Krispies treats on the plate. Story of our lives, huh readers?

The Elimination Challenge is to make a dish for a queen: Charlize Theron who is playing the Evil Queen in Snow White and the Huntsman. This product placement challenge is to make a seven course gothic meal which means everyone is thinking of what would look repulsed and murdered. Bloody handprints, maggots, dead birds- truly mouth watering. The dishes are actually quite inventive and delicious, despite the grotesque overall theme. The judges are totally wowed but the meal and consider it one of the best they've had on the show.

Judges Table. The panel loved Sarah's amarone risotto in red wine. Lindsay's scallop over stew with dragon bean was creative and reminded them of something a witch would brew in her pot. Ed's black and white sauces had a lot of depth. Chris had dessert with some smoke and fog that was the perfect amount of sweet. Beverly's seared halibut is perfectly cooked and the rice not coconuty. Grayson used a creepy black chicken which was a stunning visual effect, especially when the claw still on. Paul's bloody hand print was cool, but his enchanted forest sort of salad tasted great too, and Paul wins the challenge and gets tickets to the movie premiere. The bottom are Sarah, Beverly and Grayson and while they did well, someone has to go home so it's down to severe nitpicking. It's at long last the end of Beverly and since was so close to immunity, it's a suckier feeling.

Reality Rundown: Get Off Your High Hearse

The Bachelor - Week 3

The hangovers of Sonoma are left behind for the next round of dates in San Francisco. If Ben's group date isn't re-enacting the Full House opening credits I'm fucking done. Oh but Ben's sister lives in San Fran so it's an early season family pow wow.

For his first San Fran romp, Emily and Ben go climbing. Climbing the Bay Bridge! It looks sort of like the Golden Gate Bridge except not red and not as awesome, but I guess climbing to the top of the bridge hasn't been done before right? Oh wait, Oprah and her fans did it in Australia so Oprah did it first. Ok, so it's pretty impressive, Emily's scared, Ben makes Top Gun references, and a telescope is coincidentally in the hotel room so that the women could find them on the date. To help her get to the top, Ben gives Emily like the tiniest kiss ever and it's such a motivator that they scream and make it. Later they romantically dine on a pier overlooking that now puny bridge. Emily tells her horrible dating back story: she was on an online dating site, filled out the questionnaire and a top result was her brother. Best story ever. Guess what: I actually like a contestant on this show! I like Emily and so does Ben cause he gives her a rose, they kiss, and actual fireworks shoot off.

Group date time and hopefully this time it doesn't involved decolletage bopping around in front of children. This date comes straight from Ben's "leap list" is to ski down a hill in San Francisco while also promoting the 2012 Honda CR-V. But wait, it's a comfy 69 degrees everyday how is this possible? Oh because the show shuts down a street and covers it in snow and ice! Ok show, this is an impressive date. But since it IS nice out, everyone skiis in bikinis just like the trailer for Aspen Extreme. It's fun to watch because Casey B can't ski and ends up coming down the hill bass-ackwards and bumping into the sides.

Meanwhile, Brittney gets the next solo date and even a necklace to rock. I seriously thought Horse Girl Lindzi would get the date because she didn't have a date last week. You know who else is surprised? Brittney who is upset, confused and doesn't want the date which is odd. Brittney isn't comfortable with the circumstances of the situation, you know having a dude tongue-slobber 25 girls, and because her heart's not in it, Brittney packs up her suitcase and goes to find Ben to deliver the news.

The bikini ski slopes wind down and Ben and his hoes go to some sweet restaurant with an indoor like Tiki pool or some shit. I don't know but I bet it has delicious Mai Tais. At some point Casey B pulls Ben aside and they just walk down the street with their dranks. Is that even legal? This isn't New Orleans. But they make out a lot. As Ben is getting his drank and talk on, Brittney comes downstairs, luggage in tow, and lets Ben know she doesn't want the one-on-one wasted but she needs to leave. Ben is a bit stunned and delivers the news to the other girls. He's stunned but not too phased so he gives Rachel the group date rose.

With a solo date leftover, horse girl Lindzi gets the solo date which to me just means the show knew exactly what the plan was and made a great storyline. It's so obvious Ben was never interested in Brittney anyways and a solo date would've been more suited to Lindzi, who he immediately clicked with. I hope the date is to scrub all the self tanner and cakey foundation off of Lindzi's face, but it's instead an exploration of San Francisco at night. Will be harder to see the humongous homeless popular in the dark- bummer! Ben and Lindzi catch a trolley car to get a huge taste of San Francisco- Rice-A-Roni factory tour?? Close- ice cream! Ben lives in San Fran so he really wants to remain there and have a woman who can love the city like he does. The trolley drops them at San Francisco City Hall, which Ben has a super secret key to, and enter to the grand staircase to find a private concert by Matt Nathanson (WHO???). After, they grab dinner and drinks in a speakeasy with bookshelves that lead to private rooms. I want to go there. Lindzi tells Ben the story of her famous text dumping, which it turns out is a Simpsons reference as someone told me on Twitter. Deep down, you know Ben is laughing hysterically on the inside. But he does really like Lindzi and they have a nice vibe; Ben gives her a rose and then they play pianos.

A mysterious car is driving over the Bay Bridge talking to Chris Harrison on speakerphone (I almost typed speakerwhore and I like that better) saying she's on her way, her and Ben have talked before and Ben is going to totally fall in love with her. Someone's gonna fuck up this rose ceremony and that someone in... mortician Shawntel who fell for Brad when he was the overly apologetic Bachelor and she'd like to take a chance at getting Ben to date her. Chris Harrison explains the cocktail party has started and she'll need to walk right in there and get his attention.

So much for the drama-free night the ladies toasted to then. Ben flirts with ginger Jen (it's more auburn) and he says she's the best kisser thus far, but they've kept their smooches secret. Well until others can clearly see them. As the other women try to make their bond with Ben, Courtney talks shit about how she hates everyone. We get it Courtney (though you're totally spot on that Blakeley is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with). The ladies aren't pleased with Courtney's shithead behavior and are sure Ben's not aware of her bitchiness. Doesn't matter because Ben is so into Courtney and while he has good banter with the other girls, he makes a goofy smile around her. As Ben talks to some girl I have never seen before (her name is apparently Elyse), Shawntel the lady in red just strolls through the party and everyone's like "Who is that stranger walking through the hotel room?" They assume it's an ex-girlfriend back to win the winemaker's heart.

Ben is completely shocked to see Shawntel, far more shocked than Brittney quitting the show. The ladies begin to realize it's not Ben's ex but rather Brad the downer's fourth-place ex. Shawntel explains she was upset to know he was the Bachelor because they talked before and felt they had something, so she's here to give it a shot and if he wants to try, give her a rose. Ben is shocked but hopes the women will be "gracious and welcoming." LOLOLOL. Rando girl Elyse is like "But you don't know Ben you were on Brad's season!!" You didn't know him either until a week ago, trick. Queen bitch Courtney is like, if he gives her a rose I'll quit and then attempts to cry; stick to modeling, your acting blows. The women are pissed and wonder why a person from another season can just come on the show. Guess these women don't realize this show is fixed and set up. Kudos to Nicki for the "Shawntel rode in on her high HEARSE" pun.

Chris Harrison makes the announcement that the cocktail party is over and it's rose ceremony time. Ben ponders whether Shawntel is worth giving a shot to; the women claim they'll quit if he gives Shawntel a rose (they won't). Everyone is crying like crazy the whole rose ceremony which is beyond weird. Ben prepares to make his final rose speech and Erika, the goddess in the teal dress with gold chain sleeves, faints and hyperventilates. I guess this overshadows Jaclyn, the girl sobbing, "I'm getting dumped for a girl he's known five minutes?" Erika, then falls back down after getting officially dumped. The final rose doesn't go to Shawntel or Jaclyn either. Everyone shoves glasses of water at Erika, Jaclyn's sobbing in the bathroom, and the women are rejoicing that Shawntel's gone. Ben explains to Shawntel he's flattered but it's just not fair, which Shawntel cries about in her interview.

Reality Rundown: Restaurant Bores

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - Samantha Gene Brady comes to the kitchen to give some insight into the week. The person with the highest weight loss on the winning team can give immunity to a player on the other team, a huge incentive. But first, two team captains from each team have to follow Ali into another room. Black team sends Joe/Emily , red sends Kim/Kimmy. There is a chance to win a 5lb advantage for their team by gambling how much they expect their team weight loss to be and the highest bet wins. Then (ugh, long rules) that highest bet team must lose that amount to get the 5lb advantage or the other team wins it. Red bets 3.8% which is 94lbs or 10 1/2lbs per person. Worst bet ever and of course black doesn't try to top them. Kimmy is laughing that they intimidated them which is dumb because it's that they set a totally unrealistic goal for week two for a kind of older aged team but maybe Dolvett's team will triumph again. The rest of the red team? Not so happy. Dolvett? Not loving it, considers Kim/Kimmy worst gamblers ever.

After initial workouts and a Dr. H visit that is luckily interrupted by a Mitt Romney New Hampshire primary thingy, there's a challenge at a pier. The challenge is for a prize of the Biggest Loser meal plan for six months once they get home which will definitely help keep up healthy eating once they get home. The teams have to turn an anchor wheel to lift puzzle pieces and solve a puzzle (giant team photo) and then raise the puzzle up. Seriously, did the Survivor people consult on this season? The black team wins the challenge and gets their meals on wheels for fatties.

Hey remember the aqua team siblings that got eliminated because, you wouldn't believe it, they were out-of-shape? Well back in Chicago and nutritionist from the ranch comes to visit them at home to help teach them the tricks. Don't worry everyone, we DO get Jennie-O product placement to make turkey breakfast burritos.

Workouts, workouts, workouts, Dolvett graffitis the wall, emotional chats... which I fast forward through because I reeeally want to start Dance Moms. Kim, the red team big mouth who made the terrible bet, only loses 3lbs. Haha idiot. Kimmy, the other shitty gambler, loses 4lbs. So... don't go to Vegas with these two schmos. The rest of the team continues to lose not even close to 10lbs a person so of course the red teams fails in the overall task (2.09%), but at least they are losing weight. Black team gets the 5lb advantage and has to lose over 48lbs to beat the red team. Since it's week two, a typically weak week, black team isn't getting huge numbers either. Bob's team is able to pull the victory (2.22%) thanks to 8lbs loss by Jizzum, I mean Chism, and the 5lb advantage.

The person on the black team with the highest percentage of weight loss is Chris who gives immunity to her husband Roy aka Santa Claus. The red team heads to deliberate aka cry a lot and someone sacrifices themself. Mike is pointed out to be the laziest at last chance workout; we saw him earlier get a Dolvett therapy time talking about his on-ranch partner being the half brother he didn't meet until age 12. Mike thinks Kim's dumb bet should get her eliminated over him. In the voting room, Mike's snacking behavior, need for breaks, chewing tobacco, and shitty attitude becomes a hot topic. I don't recall ever seeing a heated vote-out like this before. Mike gets the necessary five votes and is eliminated and expresses he felt like a loner. This goes on for far too long, delaying my Dance Moms experience.

Top Chef: Texas - I cannot begin to tell you how bored I am with this season and that it took me three days to even turn this episode on. This week is the week everyone is typically excited for: Restaurant Wars. This twist year is that it's a battle of the sexes and they'll be dining in each other's restaurants (a two-day affair).

Canteen, the men's restaurant, opens on night one with a rustic mess hall sort of feel. Their service is a mess since no decisions were made before regarding expediting the food and the servers are morons. The first course is a Thai style crab and shrimp salad and a ham and pork pate with a fried egg. Second course, the main dishes, are poached salmon in warm totato water, clams, salmon skin and tomatillo jam and a crispy pork belly with green apple and sweet potato puree. To wrap up the meal, desserts are an Almond Joy cake with banana coconut puree and malted chocolate mousse and cracker jacks with peanut butter ice cream.

The women name their restaurant Half Bushel; insert "bush" joke here. Seating customers becomes completely backed up because Lindsay refuses to only work front of the house and keeps going back to the kitchen. Then the kitchen backs up. First course served is a peach salad with pickled shallots, candied pistachios and bacon vinaigrette and a mozzarella filled arancino (risotto ball) with a sweet and sour eggplant and celery salad. Main course are braised short ribs with a potato puree and apple slaw and grilled halibut with Spanish chorizo and a fennel and sherry salad. The meal is completed with a schaum torte with vanilla meringue and champagne berries and hazelnut cream Italian donuts with banana sugar glaze (OMG I WANT THOSE NOW). The night is completed by having Lindsay go into the kitchen and bitch that Bev ruined her halibut when I say if you have a hard dish, don't run front of the house.

Half Bushel wins Restaurant Wars, despite the horrible service Lindsay did as front-of-the-house. The only critique is that Lindsay's halibut was slightly overcooked, likely making her blood boil. The best dish winner is Beverly for her short ribs, and she wins a 3 liter bottle of wine and a trip to tour a vineyard. The men get their critique which is that the judges and diners both disliked the cuisine. Ty-Lor's Thai dish lacked any Thai flavoring. Seasoning is the biggest critique across the board. They are also critiqued for a sloppy presentation, lack of coconut, and soggy croutons. The judges think all should go home, but it's Ty-Lor that gets sent packin'.