January 8, 2010

Reality Rundown: Don't Joke About My Fred Flintstone Toe

New! The BachelorNew! The Biggest LoserJersey Shore

New! The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love - Remember Jake the desperate to be in love pilot from last season of The Bachelorette who so nobly flew back to Canada after being eliminated to tell Jillian the truth about evil Wes? Well he's back with a ridiculously titled season and wants someone to cuddle in bed with on rainy days (um, how about a dog?) He is so dedicated to finding a wife that he'd give up his career as a pilot if she had a fear of flying because, "Love is more powerful than flying." If your future wife hates flying, why would you have to quit your job as a pilot? It just means less vacations, moron. The majority of the first hour is gratuitous shots of a shirtless Jake doing yard work and riding a motorcycle (I expected a Vespa scooter).

As usual, the women are wack jobs. The big news is that one girl has an inappropriate relation with a producer in the house, and I say it's gotta be Rozlyn who looks like she'd rather be anywhere but this show (Reality Steve has an amazing post reporting it's all a concocted storyline). The show isn't even subtle in this, showing clip after clip of "she's not here for the right reasons." Channy introduces herself with a Cambodian phrase, which she later reveals to Jake means, "You can land your plane on my landing strip any time." While the episode is full of a lot of horrible pilot/flying puns, this wins most scandalous. One girl's career is a homemaker and last time I checked, homemaker is the more PC term for "housewife"; if you're single and a "homemaker," what you really mean is you're unemployed. Another girl dresses as a pilot to score points, while the others participate in a pickup game of blonds vs. brunettes football to pretend they like sports to get a rose.

To get help, the producers Jake invites successful couple Jillian & Ed to help him get a feel on the ladies. My brother said that if he ever was the Bachelor his one request would be to get help from Sister Patterson. While I originally groaned at Ed & Jillian, they basically laughed in the girls faces for being so insane that I love them now. My mom's original favorite, Michelle, turns out to be a complete basketcase; a 25 year old who has no others options in life but to be a wife and mother. She cries, gets jealous... and gets a rose eventually. Thanks producers! Tenley, a divorcee who has only had sex with her ex, drops her morals to give Jake a peck, and he gives her the 1st impression rose. She was that desperate to make an impact. I'd say who Jake gave roses to but, really, who can tell them apart? (Special thanks to Sister Patterson's Myspace for the original image I've customized)

New! The Biggest Loser - Season 9 is bigger than ever: half ton twins and the heaviest contestant ever: 526lbs. So what better way to humiliate them as obese people one last time than have their first weigh-in be in front of their friends, family, and hometown? 11 teams of families arrive at the ranch and are greeted by Alison Sweeney and a totally empty gym: until the curtain opens. The losers have to ride 26.2 miles on bicycles and, in a crushing blow, only 9 teams will remain on the ranch and the last 2 to finish will leave the ranch. In the end, the Yellow father/daughter and blue Mother/Daughter teams leave crying in limos, thinking their journey is over and they'll never lose the weight. Bob and Jillian jump in front of the limos to give the good news: they aren't done yet. In 30 days they will return to the ranch in a Yellow vs Blue battle; the team with the highest percentage of weight-loss will return to the game. Since I really liked the Yellow and Blue teams, I say hooray!

The remaining time is spent watching arduous workouts, Brita and Wal-Mart product placement, and some tears. The weigh-in has to be the best 1st week ever, setting records left and right. The 526lb guy on the White team lost 30lbs and is already in the 400s. This week, only one team will fall below the yellow line and one teammate will be sent home. The half ton twins lose the same amount of weight (23lbs) but their percentage is too low. The house has to decide whether to send home the injured one or the strong one who has to return to work if he leaves. The losers decide to send home James, the injured brother. Man, I was really looking forward to typing half ton twins each week. I even had an abbreviation: HTT!

Jersey Shore - Last week ended with Vinny fearing eviction for taking home the boss' girl; Danny messes with him but doesn't care. Though he does threaten to next time bring a girl with herpes. Vinny continues having a storyline by crushing via phone on The Situation's sister, Melissa (name twins!) She comes to visit for the night and it's just like that Saved by the Bell episode where Zach falls for a girl via the Teen Help Line (also named Melissa- insane!) and when he sees her in person in a wheelchair he gets initially weirded out. Vinny is kinda freaked that Melissa looks like The Situation in a wig, but realizes she has a great personality so who cares. And the Vinny grand finale, his ridiculously large family comes to visit. Seriously, is Vinny a Duggar? His mom brings a traditional Italian dinner, white tanks, and socks.

While out clubbing, Snooki tries to hookup with her friend, but he opts to pick up more girls at Karma with The Situation. Snooki threatens to go lesbian; Pauly sympathizes and explains that's why he dates girls. Pauly D, you so funny! At Karma, The Situation hooks up with Alex from a few weeks ago. You might recall her friend more: THE GRENADE! Alex meets The Situation at the house and brings 2 friends: the grenade and a big girl who Snooki accurately calls a "hippo." Snooki offers to get rid of the "creatures," so she asks them to leave. The Grenade and Hippo respond by throwing a drink and more punches at Snooki. In amazing timing, a garbage truck pulls up to the house as the girls get dragged away. Get it? White trash!

This week though, Ronnie and Sammi "Sweetheart" and all their couple fights take over the drama. Sammi the lightweight gets drunk on her Boone's Farm or whatever, talks to a chair, and Ronnie makes fun of her "Fred Flintstone toe." She gets pissy, whines, Ronnie considers "creeping" to get even but has second thoughts, and they make up. Next dramatic night: The gang heads to Beachcombers again for boozing, despite the fact that last time they were there Snooki got punched in the face. A bald guy keeps bugging the crew, but Pauly D encourages ignoring him. Snooki confronts Sammi and Ronnie for isolating themselves from the group; they get pissy and leave early again. The bald asshole from the bar follows Sammi and Ronnie, harassing them. Sammi keeps taunting back, angering Ronnie and he pushes her loud mouth away. Then shit goes down.

Bald asshole and his girlfriend get in Ronnie's face. The girls starts trying to scratch Ronnie, so Ronnie keeps backing away. Finally, it's the last straw and Ronnie straight pummels the dude. Awesome! The Situation and Pauly D get a call on the duck phone about the fight and they quickly run to the boardwalk. The cops come and break up the fight and Ronnie walks away fast. He's pissed at Sammi for antagonizing the guy and she's pissed at him for being pushed. Sammi seriously has to make everything about herself; hello, you don't think the cops are just going to let him off the hook, do you? The episode ends with Sammi and Ronnie making up... again. Oh, lovers quarrels!

Most importantly, this week we learned what it takes to make a guido and essentially be a complete success at life: GTL. Gym, tanning, laundry.

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