January 22, 2010

Reality Rundown: You Know You're The Bachelor When You're Dating 25 Overdramatic Nutjobs

The BachelorThe Biggest LoserProject Runway

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love - Jake takes Haley Duff doppelganger Vienna on a solo date. She's 23, he's 31. Why are the majority of the Bachelors such cradle-robbers? Jake asks Vienna the craziest thing she's ever done, which she answers ziplining. Yawn. I did that at summer camp when I was 10. Did he forget last week she admitted she eloped with almost a stranger? Pretty sure that's the real answer. Jake and Vienna are taken to a bridge to go bungee-jumping and he's freaking out. Jeez Jake, I thought you planned the dates- har har har! He's a pilot afraid of heights, but they got over it, jump, and kiss upside down. My guess is Jake has been dreaming of re-enacting an upside down kiss since Spiderman came out. They bond, Vienna gets a rose, and comes back bragging about the date. All the girls hate her because she is so far from Jake's type, so they call her out for being an annoying fake. She cries.

Jake takes a group of ladies to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club where they'll each perform a standup set. Most are pretty bad, but Corrie was the best as she did impressions of all the girls and really ripped Vienna a new one. I want Corrie to be my BFF. At yet another roof-party, Tenley tells Jake about her divorce (didn't she tell him this week 1?), Jake learns of the anti-Vienna movement, and Michelle goes crazy- again. When Michelle finally gets alone time with Jake, she whines, cries, and asks for a kiss. Jake unwillingly grants her wish, and Michelle is pissed that the kiss is no good and decides maybe she should leave the show. She keeps telling if Jake asks her to stay she will, and you can see if her face that she totally thinks Jake will say, "Please Michelle, don't leave me- you complete me!" but Jake says he thinks it would be best if she left. AWESOME! Jake, I liked you for 5 whole seconds. No one on the group date gets a rose.

The other solo date is given to single mom Ella and Jake brings her to Sea World where she's surprised by her son. If you're not Reality Steve readers, then you wouldn't know this date was originally planned for Rozlyn and her son, but since she was booted last week, better get good use of the single mom date. It's a pretty awesome date of feeding sea lions, petting dolphins, and seeing penguins. And Ella's kid is cool: he actually does like flying and eats churros. Ella is so sweet and age appropriate, so I give her 2 more weeks on this show. She gets a rose.

At the cocktail hour, Jake accuses hot Elizabeth of being the "Queen of Mixed Signals" since she won't kiss him but gets all up on him asking for massages and stuff. He said he has friends who didn't kiss for religious reasons (Duggars!), but using it as a tease method is not appreciated. Elizabeth is just about to explain herself when Vienna, who already has a rose, interrupts for alone time. Bitch, you already got a rose! The girls fume even more. Jake decides to eliminate Elizabeth and some random chick who got no screen time (Valishia).

Best part of the whole episode: Jake's standup comedy routine in the end credits. He takes a page from Jeff Foxworthy with "You know you're the The Bachelor when..." routine that is so god awful, ending in the corny: "You know you're The Bachelor when you're biggest dream of finding true love is about to come true." Please, try to hold back your vomit. But I think my dad's takes the cake, "You might be the Bachelor if you're crying off the hotel balcony." Pulling a Mesnick!

The Biggest Loser - This week the pairs are broken up into teachers and students. The teachers will train with Bob and Jillian and pass that knowledge onto the student. At weigh-in, only the student's weight will count. The Pink team wins the power to choose the Teacher/Student by eating a whopping 2 M&M's. They split it pretty fairly, in my opinion, but some girl on the Green team flips out. Jillian tries to break down the emotional barriers, but instead insinuates that both members of the Green team are bad moms. Bob smooths it over, telling Jillian to act the opposite of mean. Jillian is baffled by the concept.

Gray team wins immunity in a challenge of unraveling ribbon around a playground and then retrieving it all via blindfold. I could explain more, but I fast forwarded through most of it since it was a snooze. Gray also wins the power to flip one teacher/student pairing. At the weigh-in, my TV cuts to election footage so now I am stuck re-watching the episode on Hulu reading other people's recaps. Melissa from Red, a teacher this week, only loses 1lb and claims it's not game play. Bob and Jillian call her out, and Bob gets close to his "Shut the f*** up, Noelle!" mindset. The White team are the Teacher/Student switch and fall below the yellow line. The mom, Maria, begs to leave so her 500lb son can get help, and they grant her wish (except for the Brown/Purple mash-up who think he's ungrateful or lazy or something).

Project Runway - The challenge this week is to design a cocktail party outfit for their models out of burlap potato sacks. For an extra twist, the models get to pick the designer they want to work with. Mila's model opts for the fabulous Anthony, and she takes it kinda personal. But not too personal because Mila makes this smokin' futuristic dress that I absolutely love. The winner of the challenge is Jay Nicholas who makes a black cocktail dress that you'd never know was burlap. I have to say, the dresses tonight were amazing and I definitely think this is foreshadowing a good season to come.

However, you have to weed out the duds first. Ping makes another hideous dress that accents the hips, is all basic burlap, and most important exposes her model's ass. Jesus doesn't take Tim Gunn's advice and covers up most of his burlap with pea green ribbon and makes a matronly look. But it's Pamela who is auf'd this week, with with ombre-dyed blue dress that looked more like a denim hoedown than NYC cocktail party.


Andy said...

I particularly liked Elizabeth's back and forth about teasing him and then being offended he called her a tease. What a crazy woman. She was one of the prettier girls, too.

Mel Got Served said...

Elizabeth is one of the best looking girls this show's gotten. Waaaay too hot for Jake!