March 3, 2010

Reality Rundown: You've Been Served... An Engagement Ring!

3/03/2010 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: On The Wings of Love
Special Special Finale Edition

Jake's family is flown to St. Lucia to meet his final 2 and he gives them the 411, like Tenley is sweet and loving and Vienna is, and I quote, "smoking hot" and didn't get along with the other girls in the house. That's an immediate red flag for the family. Instead of jumping around in time, I'll just summarize each girl's Jake-time.

Tenley meets the Pavelka family first and is completely loved. She's very candid about her divorce (did you know she was divorced?) and how much she loves Jake and sees a future. Jake's dad unsuccessfully fights back tears and admits he thinks he met his future daughter-in-law today. If Dad Pavelka was on all season, I think there's a chance he possibly could've out-cried Jake. Jake and Tenley's last date together is snorkeling on a yacht, where Jake poorly words his feelings for Tenley and makes her feel like garbage. Essentially he says he's more attracted to her emotionally than physically, but later backtracks and keeps saying how incredible she is, etc. In the prequisite awkward craft project you give The Bachelor on the last night together Tenley gives him a shadow box with photos and romantic quotes like "Kiss Me!" As soon as I see the glass shadowbox, I picture Tenley finally getting some rage and breaking the glass when she obviously gets dumped in 45 minutes.

When Vienna meets the Pavelkas, it's not a good first impression. She immediately tells them the other girls didn't like her and comes off as abrasive. Jake's mom pulls him aside and expresses her concerns and he gets defensive, while Jake's sisters-in-law have some Vienna alone time. What everyone eventually learns is Vienna is a nice person that is totally in love with Jake. Jake takes Vienna to an inactive volcano to bathe in muddy water that smells like sulfur- yum? Her goofy craft give is a rolled up letter held shut with her "promise me you won't elope again ring" (No I'm not being a sarcastic jerk. That's what the ring is). At this point if you don't know who Jake is so obviously picking you live in La La Land.

The Neil Lane salesman comes to St. Lucia to show Jake some rings and he really overacts in this scene. Is this guy a jeweler or a waiter/aspiring actor? Since Jake hasn't chosen the woman yet (lie) he takes 2 rings: a princess cut for Vienna and a square diamond for Tenley. The girls get gussied up and fly via helicopter to a rooftop beautifully adorned with tropical flowers to either get hitched or ditched. Tenley's first to arrive and obviously, gets dumped. It's really awkward because the 2 of them keep stammering about how much this hurts and how Jake gave Tenley the ability to love again. Oy-vey. After some par-for-the-course crying, Jake mans up when Vienna arrives. He totally psyches her out by giving her back her promise ring and she looks crushed. But then he gets down on his knee and gives her the new ring and then the most marvelous thing happens: they play "On the Wings of Love." And if you're crushed Vienna got picked and shocked, you crazy!

After the Final Rose is a total snoozefest. Tenley is doing OK and gets to ask Jake questions and it's so dull I can't even recall enough to summarize it. Just know, it's probably not important and your life can go on without knowing this information. Vienna comes out and her and Jake talk about how happy they are, how all the tabloids about her are lies (if they're lies then why don't you sue for slander or defamation of character?), and that they'll be moving in together in Dallas immediately. Well not that immediately because in a commercial break we find out that Jake will be torturing us with his dullard personality much longer as he's going to be on Dancing with the Stars. We also get one last amazing, mind-blowing live performance of "On the Wings of Love" and I'm sure you were in tears. Finally for the big "shocking announcement" of the new Bachelorette: it's Ali. Wow, what a shocker! Her constant interviewing of not knowing if she's ever find love again didn't set this up at all. See you next season, readers!

Photo Credits: ABC, BuddyTV