May 7, 2010

Reality Rundown: Not A Good Week for Silicone Boobs

The Amazing RaceDancing with the StarsThe Biggest Loser
American IdolSurvivor: Heroes vs. Villains

The Amazing Race - The teams continue the race in China, where the language barrier becomes a significant hindrance in getting around. The Brothers get so stressed and confused that they wait 2 hours until the Detectives are ably to race, knowing that at least if they tie-up the Detectives still have to do a Speed Bump (tossing coins into an incense thingie). The Brothers proceed to have an in-cab flip-out because their driver doesn't understand "follow that green cab." I can't blame them because if I were in a race for $1 million and some cabbie was doing a crap job, I'd be livid.

Miss Teen USA and the Cowboys are pretty much tied the whole leg. The Roadblock is to count golden statues and it takes Caitie a while and I'm kinda convinced that after her 3rd or 4th try that she looked at whatever answer the Cowboys wrote down. The Detour is to navigate busy streets with dumplings or search for a stamp with their name on it. Um, definitely the stamps. Miss Teen USA spends the whole leg telling us viewers she's not dumb (while Brent begs to take a pee), and I say, put it on a T-shirt and shut up. You might be able to read a subway map but you're still loud and rude; also, they are team #1 (and now get to meet one of the world's tallest men). Through what I will assume is clever editing to make us second guess who makes it to the finals, the Brothers are team #3 and the Detectives are eliminated. High point of the episode: getting to ride in a sidecar motorcycle. Of all the fun stuff they get to do, this would've been my favorite thing ever.

Dancing with the Stars - Evan Lysacek scores the first perfect 30 of the season, eventhough Kari Ann declared Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls as the best dancer they've ever had. The group dance put 3 pairs together to do a routine to either Lady Gaga or Madonna. The Gaga group was what I'd call the "sexy" team: Nicole, Ochocinco, and Pam Anderson. They were pretty great, though I think Pam was dead weight. The Madonna team (Erin, Niecy, Evan) was meh, with Niecy being their weak link (but she is my favorite so I hope she lasts a while longer). The bottom 2 ends up being Pam Anderson and Erin Andrews the ESPN girl, with Pamela getting her dancing shoes revoked in the end.

The Biggest Loser - This is the week my mom, I mean everyone, has been waiting for: makeovers! They're pretty underwhelming considering they just said "here's $1,000 bucks from Multi-Grain Cheerios" and dropped them off at what appeared to be Fashion Bug and then Shear Genius judge/ex-Blowout star Jonathan Antin does their hair. Michael makes me sad because he still has to shop at a plus-size store because, despite losing close to 200lbs, he's still 300+ lbs. Darris gets the biggest makeover, hacking off that crazy afro of curls and greasing (sans product it's still kind wacky). The losers marvel at themselves in a 2-way mirror and are reunited with family for an exclusive concert with Ashanti. Wow, she's even less current than Shania Twain (callback to last week!)

At the weigh-in, skinny Sam and big Michael fall below the yellow line and now the game comes into play. If you keep Sam around, he's easy to beat in the finals. Michael needs to be on campus, but still has like another 150lbs to lose. Koli and Sunshine vote off Michael, while Ashley and Darris (who made an alliance with Michael) vote off Sam. In the case of a tie, the loser with the lowest percentage of weight-loss goes home, and that's Sam. But Sam's living the high life post-TBL: he lost his goal weight on campus (a TBL first), moved to LA, and found love with ex-purple team member Stephanie (that's the daughter, not her mom).

American Idol - In season 9's grand tradition of decimating great music classics, the Idols take on Frank Sinatra this week with the help of Harry Connick, Jr. who does all the musical arrangements. In positives, we don't have to suffer through the contestants playing guitar. In negatives, we still have to suffer through their terrible singing. The judges like Big Mike and Lee best, but America really has it in for Big Mike and sends him to the bottom 2 again. It's wee little Aaron Kelley who gets the boot after the most insane, bizarre Lady Gaga live performance ever. Seriously, it'll give you bizarre dreams.

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains - Rupert and Russell get into it at camp and it's pretty awesome, with Russell calling Rupert the second coming of Christ. I can't believe I'm saying since because you all know I was anti-Rupert when the cast was announced, but I am loving that Rupert ain't takin' Russell's shit. Anyways, Parvati wins individual immunity, the others get some nutrition, and Jeff reads a clue to yet another Hidden Immunity Idol to everyone. Sandra is the one who finds the idol and stashes it. Rupert decides to play the game and puts a rock in his cargo shorts, giving the impression of an idol. Russell sees this and instructs the villains to split the votes between Rupert and Colby to flush out the idol. However, the villain women are kind of ready to get rid of Candice, which Colby picks up on. They play off of this and at Tribal Council, Candice becomes the next member of the jury.

Wait kids, there's more! Double Tribal night! The villains vow to stay 5 strong and Russell wins immunity and I'm pissed. Can't we get rid of this troll? Russell realizes that Parvati and Danielle are tight so tries to play them against each other and fails miserably. The girls want to stick to the plan to axe Rupert, while Russell approaches Rupert and Colby to take out Danielle. At Tribal Council it looks like the women will stick together until Danielle opens her big mouth and spills that her and Parvati are closer than Russell knows. This infuriates Russell, who then looks to Jerri and mouths, "Danielle." The votes are cast and Jerri's vote will seal her fate: she votes off Danielle and her terrifying fake boobs. At this point, as long as Jerri is still in this game all is right in my world. Jerri FTW!

Photo Credits:, BuddyTV,, Daemon's TV,, TVGrapevine