May 28, 2010

Reality Rundown: Your American Idol Is... Wait, Does Anyone Still Care?

New! The BacheloretteFinale! Dancing with the Stars
Finale! The Biggest LoserFinale! American Idol

New! The Bachelorette - It's a new season of manufactured love and this season we'll be following All-American, butter-yellow loving Ali Fedotowsky, who famously chose her job at Facebook over a relationship with boring-ass Bachelor Jake. Ali puts on dozens of different outfits and some new hair extensions to pout around in an endless montage that tries to make Ali look lonely but changing and ready for the journey of a lifetime. Bring on the duds dudes.

We meet a variety of guys that likely don't have issues finding love and more likely have issues fulfilling their need for attention. Case in point: Justin aka Rated R. He's an "entertainment wrestler" in Canada and on crutches. I'd point and laugh if it wasn't so obvious he's going to be around forever to torture viewers. We also have Chris L, a good looking guy from the Cape, Frank, an aspiring screenwriter with glasses and kinda funny, a Texas weatherman named Jonathan, and a gentleman by the name of Shooter who reveals to Ali it's because he had issues being "premature." Shooter, you win the official TMI award. Those are the guys I remember but there is also a guy who backflips out of the limo, a guy named Kasey with a weird voice that sounds like a puppet, and a guy who looks like Steven Webber from Wings. The first impression rose goes to Roberto, who salsas with Ali and from the looks of it is an immediate top contender (even if he kinda reminds me of Baba Booey).

In typical first episode fashion, Chris Harrison brings out a ballot box for the guys to write in who they think isn't here for the right reasons. This phrase is maybe the most commonly uttered thing on the show besides, "I think I'm falling for her!" so I am going to keep a running list (this week: 9 times). In what is completely non-shocking, Rated R Justin gets the most votes, perhaps because he keeps talking about his career and is wearing his Rated R shirt under his suit. Ali is given a chance to speak to him alone and decide whether or not to send him home. The obvious choice is to send him home; every season there is someone the house hates and there's usually a good reason. Hell, Ali said the same things about Vienna last season, so she'll obviously use good judgment, right? No, Justin stays. I really hope the producers gave her an extra $10k in her salary to keep this tool around.

So Ali cuts the suitor pool down to 17 from the initial 25 and there are actually a few surprise guys that stay and by that I mean uggos. Looks like this season we're in for a global seduction including volcanoes, guys with girlfriends back home (quelle surprise), and that lispy Kasey being considered a weirdo among the guys. Eventhough I read Reality Steve's season spoilers so I know the final 2, I'm anticipating the bumpy ride of faux-drama to get there.

Finale! Dancing with the Stars - This show is finally ending with a finale of ringers: Erin Andrews of ESPN (though she's not as much a ringer), Olympic gold medalist figure skater Evan Lysacek, and Pussycat Doll (and always and forever former member of Eden's Crush) Nicole Scherzinger. Night 1 has each pair doing two dances, one of which is a free dance. For a finale, the dancing was kinda sub-par for these normally excellent dancers.

Due to a full night of TV I barely watched the results show, which I'm sure was the 2nd coming of the Lost finale (by that I mean, Kate Gosselin danced as well as John Locke pre-Oceanic 815 crash). Erin Andrews is eliminated in the 1st hour (complete guess but likely what happened eventhough I didn't watch), leaving Evan and Nicole up for the prize and they do one more dance and get scored. After long drawn out pauses, Tom Bergeron announces Nicole Scherzinger is the winner of DWTS. Now Nicole can hold her head high. Sure the solo music career didn't work out, but now she has a disco ball trophy! See kids, being a professional dancer in a girl group can get you a DWTS victory.

Finale! The Biggest Loser - The show cuts right to the chase and announces the results of America's vote for who will be part of the final 3: Daris or Koli. Duh, it's Daris since Koli's looked kinda like a dick the past few episodes. Koli goes on to win the Biggest Loser At Home prize of $100,000 losing 53% of his bodyweight. He seems stoked at first, but I think you can actually see in his eyes the devastation because that 53% would have won him the whole show. But everyone else weighs in as well and some of them are smokin' (I'm looking at you season bitch Melissa and pink team Sherry). I will say I was a bit underwhelmed with how many people looked at the finale. I guess it may stem from the show casting far heavier contestants, but a lot of people were still far above what their goal weight could be and, quite frankly, I think they even gained some of it back.

The final 3 (Daris, Ashley, Michael) come on stage and look phenomenal. Daris was able to stop his night binging and got himself a girlfriend. Ashley's in a pink dress and looking happier than ever. Michael- HOLY CRAP! I fell to the floor when he came out. This guy started on the show at 529lbs and is now in tight jeans and looking good. Michael steps on the scale and needs to lose a pretty huge number to beat Ashley for the prize. He steps on the scale and has lost 264lbs: 50% of his body weight. Amazing! While Koli would've won the prize had he moved on, it's great to see Michael become the big success of the season.

Finale! American Idol - Final performance night: Crystal brings it, Lee doesn't. In fact, I find Lee's performances extremely dull and bad song choices. Crystal is a powerhouse singer, but she's so uncomfortable to watch perform. When singing "Black Velvet" (producer's choice) she couldn't walk in the heels and while I hate heels too, at this point a real Idol contender would work that stage. Based solely on this week, I'd pick Crystal to win, but I think the girls will still keep their votes in Lee's camp.

You're not going to believe what I am about to write, but I enjoyed the results show. Maybe this is my sideways universe where I make peace with Idol results show and then I can move on. A large portion of the episode is a tribute to Simon Cowell, as he is leaving the show to start another talent competition about amateurs singing. Paula returns for a weird speech, all the previous winners (sans David Cook) return to sing, and we get a retrospective of great Simon moments. He also gives a nice speech, but I only half paid attention. Hey, I enjoyed the results show for once but I do have my time limits.

For the singing stuff, the idols get to perform duets with famous musicians like Michael McDonald, Alanis Morrissette, Janet Jackson (who lip-synched so she could dance, but had no dancing skills), Chicago (snooze), Crystal Aguilera and oh yeah, Hall and f'ing Oates. Sadly they do not perform "Private Eyes" or "Rich Girl," but we at least get the dudes of Idol singing "I Can't Go For That" and "Maneater" and H&0 do "You Make My Dreams Come True." I am 98% sure that this is the first musical number I've watched from beginning to end on Idol for years. But the big surprise came when Casey and his beautiful hair were joined onstage by someone else with famous hair (and bandana): Bret Michaels. Pretty awesome. Lee and Crystal also perform one last duet together with the help of their new friend Joe Cocker who forgets the words to The Wonder Years theme song.

Onto the results. The votes are in. It looks like mothers and daughers bonded with their telephones last night as Lee Dewyze wins American Idol 2010, despite his terrible performance this week. Whatevs. Does it really matter? Nah. Let's be honest folks, this was a crop of duds this season and sure there were great voices, but these kids are not going to sell albums. Mean, yes, but I'm being honest. See, I'd be a perfect replacement for Simon. Write me in!

Photo Credits:, America's Favorite Country,,,,,


Steve G. said...

heh, Rated R. I don't watch that show, but debate was raging on a wrestling blog I follow about whether he would get sued by the WWE. His name is using a copyright they hold for a WWE wrestler.