June 15, 2010

The Bachelorette: That Tattooed Bachelorette Guy Can't Sing

The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette - My Bachelorette recaps are getting so long they deserve their own post- don't you think? So the skanky den of the bachelors vying for Ali's affection is now vacant, as Ali and her suitors begin a trip around the world to fall in love. First stop: Neeeew York City. The guys head to the airport to meet Ali there, since she's already in NYC getting made-over by InStyle magazine, an obvious ploy to get us gullible women to buy the July issue.

Solo date #1 is Kasey and his weird voice, and he's so into Ali and she's kind of not that into him. They take a helicopter ride (enough with the GD helicopters) over NYC and land for a picnic in the park. Kasey finds this intimate picnic as the perfect time to reveal his horrible singing voice, freestyling a song about the helicopter ride, himself, and getting a rose. It is terrible. Part 2 of the date is a night at the Museum of Natural History, sans Ben Stiller. The museum opts to be energy efficient, so Kasey and Ali run around the museum with flashlights. Yet another romantic setting, so Kasey decides to sing again. Ali is holding back laughing- he's just so bad. Kasey spends the whole night babbling about how he wants to "guard and protect her heart" and offers Ali the "jump in, stay awhile" in his heart. CREEPY! Ali feels like maybe Kasey isn't genuine and just spouting off lines, so she does not give him a rose. However, she doesn't eliminate him either, leaving him kind of crushed.

The group date has the guys auditioning for The Lion King on Broadway, including sexy dancing shorts and horrible singing voices (too bad Kasey wasn't on this date so he wouldn't have looked so bad). The director of the show has to pick one guy to get a private date with Ali and he picks based on "courage and truth" so he picks Roberto. Just like the other reality shows, the talented ones never win in the end. The actual date later is for Ali and Roberto to appear in The Lion King that night, making sexy times in the air on high wires; jealousy ensues. There's an after party for the date at a hotel, but Ali is feeling under the weather (not a Jonathan the Weatherman euphemism). Speaking of Jonathan, he's desperate for alone time but can't catch a break. Frank also gets alone time, where Ali addresses his palpable jealousy and assures she still likes him. Kirk is the only guy who urges Ali to get some rest and offers to walk her to her room- slick move! He tucks Ali in, maybe poorly sings a lullaby, and gets a little kiss.

Solo date #2 is with Chris L (the guy who actually has had screentime, not that random other Chris), but Ali is still really sick so instead of the planned date she invites him to hang out with her in her suite and feed her Dayquil and throw our her tissues. He brings some chicken noodle soup and they really bond, particularly with Chris opening up about his dead mom. It's Chris' birthday and Ali starts to feel better, so they pick up the end of the date with a seafood dinner at a club, a phone call home to Chris' dad, and a private concert by another no-name artist. Chris gets a rose as they dance and kiss on the roof.

Meanwhile, as Chris' date happens, Kasey disappears from the suite. He must've "snuck out" and by that I mean, the producers totally know what's going on and bring a camera crew. Kasey is desperate to prove he's genuine, so he gets a tattoo of a shield protecting a heart on his wrist - just to continously beat into our heads his "guarding and protecting the heart" catchphrase. Kasey returns hours later, claiming he burnt his wrist, but "Rated R" Justin declares him a "fibber." Justin should know since he lied about leaving last week, so plans to call him out. At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Justin confronts Kasey and it's so lame. In the end, Kasey reveals his tattoo to the guys, pointing out that the shield also has 11 diamonds to represent the guys too. Oh lordy. Chris notes the stupidity of this and points out that Kasey will forever be "that tattooed Bachelorette guy." Kasey almost gets to reveal the tattoo to Ali, thinking this will impress her, but Frank interrupts. She heads into the rose ceremony and keeps kreepy Kasey, opting to send home Weatherman and I-only-wear-jeans-to-rose-ceremonies Jesse. Next week: Iceland!

Line of the week award goes to Craig (who is growing on me): "We have a lot of great guys here, with the exception of Justin." SERVED!

Photo Credits: ABC.com, Screenshots from Hulu