July 20, 2010

The Bachelorette: Frankly, I'm Still in Love with my Ex

The Bachelorette

The episode begins with Chris and Roberto fondly remembering the good times with Ali and hoping they get picked. They pack up, hop in a limo, and get the first flight to Tahiti. Frank, however, has a revelation: while he was falling in love with Ali he realized he was still has feelings his ex, an ex Ali doesn't know about. So with cameras conveniently in tow, Frank heads to Chicago to see his ex and finally decide if he's ready to move on with Ali or get back together with her. Classy move! Shouldn't he have maybe declined a rose weeks ago if he was conflicted? Frank's ex Nicole makes her best attempt to pretend to be surprised to see him (and the camera crew). It's a pretty awkward chat with weird long pauses (channeling the now over Hills), and Frank admits his has real feelings for Ali but as they traveled and made out all around the world he was thinking about Nicole. Nicole even drops a "you complete me" which is always an original one. Frank decides Nicole is who he loves and wants to be with and the show admits they're in love with torturing their chosen stars. Frank, you got some 'splain to do to Ali.

As Frank and his ex reunite in Chicago, Ali has her first date in Tahiti with Roberto (or specifically the island of Le Taha'a which she brags she has all to herself with the guys). Just a guess: they will make out a lot and dance. Oh for christ's sake, they take ANOTHER HELICOPTER RIDE. They arrive at what they say heart-shaped lagoon (looks like like a liver to me), which they proceed to repeat over and over because hearts are so romantic and so is this date. In what is completely shocking, they spend the entire date making out in the water. At dinner, Roberto tells Ali he's falling love with her, so they make out more. Get a GD room already. Luckily, Chris Harrison thinks the same thing and leaves his usual Fantasy Suite card at their romantic dinner which they happily take.

Date #2 takes Chris and Ali on a catamaran where they drink, talk about family, and make out. The romance is finally there, so perhaps that fantasy suite will get some good use- oww oww. Their boat can't make it to this island area, so they swim there and by swim I mean make out in the middle of the ocean while walking up to the island with Ali straddling Chris like a chimp (not an orangutan cause they can't swim). They go hunting for pearls and are both so successful and even find a black pearl. Aren't those rare? It wouldn't shock me if some poor production assistant had to hunt down clams and shove some pearls into them for this date. They have dinner on a private secluded island, like all normal couples do, and Ali drops in lots of Tahitian cooking knowledge that the producers fed her. I'm assuming they ate dinner but it seems like they're just ready to get into that fantasy suite, though Chris does say he could see himself with Ali forever and she could see moving back to Massachusetts to be with him and his family. They head to the fantasy suite, which is some big house and they talk and make out, just like the rest of the date. It's absolutely thrilling to recap.

A really sunburned Frank arrives in Tahiti for his free vacation to crush Ali's soul and leave her for his ex-girlfriend Nicole. Frank, you are a deadman to women across America. Get rid of your Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, move out of your parent's basement- everything! Prepare to be attacked. Frank isn't sure how to tell this news to Ali so he seeks the sage wisdom of Chris Harrison. Chris says he's "blown away" by Frank's news eventhough his face totally reads "dude, the producers told me awhile ago- I'm the almighty, all-knowing Chris Harrison." Apparently he was falling for Ali, but the ex was holding him back from sharing his whole heart with Ali. Frank isn't sure how Ali will react and Chris tells Frank that Ali is crazy for him, which is an understatement. Chris brings up their date starts in an hour- what's he gonna do? Duh- get wasted and go sailing!! Aw man, he's gonna tell Ali the truth.

Ali is ecstatic for her sailing date with Frank, oblivious to the pile of chum (fishing reference!) that will be metaphorically dumped on her in a minute. He tells her "We need to talk" and it's all downhill from there. He explains the feelings he had were real, they were getting stronger and stronger, but he was being held back because he was still in love with his ex and when he saw her again the feelings rushed back. Ali asks him why he never brought this up (answer: because the producers made him play along) and he's at a loss for words. Ali is heartbroken, rightfully so, especially since I've felt that she's wanted to pick him since night 1 and has spent this whole process reassuring him she wanted to be with him. Lots of crying, long awkward goodbye hug, and producer Mike Fleiss probably getting a boner from how he thinks this will be ratings gold. Frank, you are the new Jason Mesnick. Prepare to be hated for a long time.

Ali vents to Chris Harrison, Bachelorette buddha, while Frank dramatically closes the cabana doors ending this chapter of his life. So dramatic! Ali is torn because as much as she hates Frank right now, she also wants him back. God this is depressing to watch. Imagine how Ali is feeling. It's not just that she got dumped, she got humiliated on TV. He picked his ex-girlfriend after leading her on for like 8 episodes. Sure she dumps guys weekly but that's cause she's The Bachelorette and she gets to do the picking. In terms of producer manipulation, this may be their sickest move yet since reports are Frank told them for weeks he wanted to leave and they made him play along. Why not humiliate your star for ratings sake?

There's still a rose ceremony, but it's moreso for Ali to make sure Roberto and Chris accept the roses and want to be with her and not dump her in another exotic locale. Ali had come to accept Frank is not that one and she wouldn't want him back. She's still confident her future husband is still here, but us viewers ain't buyin' it. Ali wants Chris and Roberto to take the roses knowing that she wants them here, not that it's a default (umm kind of a lie since she already said she wanted Frank to meet her family). The 2 guys notice Frank isn't there, Chris Harrison makes an ominous mention, and finally Ali comes out and tells them she didn't have her date with Frank and that he had some issues to take care of back home and is gone. She doesn't mention that Frank dumped her for his ex, but I guess I wouldn't want to rub salt in my wounds either.

Next week: the men tell all! Well except for the men we actually want to hear from because they aren't there (Justin, Frank).

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