July 13, 2010

The Bachelorette: Kicked to the Kirk, I Mean Curb

The Bachelorette

Ali and her suitors ditch their European vacation and head back to the states where Ali will visit each of her final 4 in their hometowns and meet their families. They will of course loooove Ali and think Ali and their son are a perfect match and begin counting the number of grandchildren Ali will pop out.

First stop: Tampa, Florida to be seduced by Roberto and his "baseball career" at the University of Tampa. He brings her to the field, where he brings up that he played collegiate and professional baseball and since he's now on a reality dating show and barely 30, I think we know how that turned out. Turns out a baseball uniform really turns on Ali, so she monkey jumps his bones. The only downer is that we don't get a lot of sexual baseball metaphors- boo-urns! Roberto gives Ali his baseball card from when he played on the SteepleCats (you know, the SteepleCats) and I say she should save that card because surely very few were ever made so you could maybe eBay it at some point for like $30. The big question is how will Roberto's parents, specifically his hardass dad, feel about Ali. Even Roberto's worried, probably because Ali's a total gringa. Everyone is, of course, very welcoming and interested in hearing about Ali and Ali tooting Roberto's horn (I mean bragging, not that way). Roberto takes his dad aside to get his feelings and he thinks his son is a prize. Roberto's dad sounds like he'd get along super with Ty, because he seems to also have qualms about Ali's ambition and what she'd give up to support Roberto. Roberto gets both his parent's blessing so there is relief. And in no surprise at all, Ali and Roberto f'ing dance again because it's all they do. At least this time they aren't making out nonstop.

Next stop: Cape Cod with Chris L, so it's like kinda my turf but not at all. They take a long walk on the beach in the crappy rain with Chris' dog, who is freaking out my dog Schroeder. Yes, Schroeder literally flew off the couch to pounce on this TV dog. Chris brings Ali to his house to meet his family (dad, brothers, sister-in-laws), which we know is important since his mom died and they are all super close. Chris is so much more comfortable in his home, really letting Ali in, laughing and having a good time. They eat a giant plate of shrimp and I am so envious. Chris L, if/when this relationship doesn't work, call me. I love shrimp, beer and dogs too! Chris' family can tell he's totally smitten, but they worry because this is still a competition and there are other guys in the fold still. There's a lot of serious talks on this date that make it hard to write a snarky blog post. The date ends with some making out, so it's a successful day for Chris L.

3rd stop: Green Bay, Wisconsin for a day with Kirk. Kirk's parents are divorced and don't speak, so they get to do 2 house visits. It's like 2 Christmases! They head to Kirk's dad's house first and it's clear this side of the family has a passion for 2 things: commerative collectible plates and dead animals. Kirk's dad's has quite the collection of mounted animal heads, which is always a panty-dropped for any single lady. But the 2 talk and Ali realizes she must be kinda special if Kirk was happy to bring her to meet the fam since he never brings girls around unless they are special. Kirk's dad really likes her, but also wants Kirk to be logical and think with his heart and brain, not just jump into an engagement. Ali better be careful cause if you break Kirk's heart, her head might be on that wall next to the deer. Ali and Kirk get dropped off at his mom's house where she gets to meet his mom, grandma, and sister and have a homecooked meal. Kirk really wants it to work with Ali and, you won't believe it, his mom likes her too!

Final stop on the serial dating tour: Frank in Chicago, where they get to go to Frank's parents house which is his house too since he lives at home. They take a boat ride and not once make a Titanic or "I'm On A Boat" reference, so I'd say this is a failure of the high seas. Ali brings up that she could be meeting her potential in-laws today and Frank's face turns so red and flustered: warning sign! Ali wonders if they'll have tough questions and I'm sure they will like, "Should Frank pick you or his ex?" He still worries that he could have faith in their relationship but she could send him home, to which Ali again says "stop worrying" but now she worries he's not confident in their relationship working out. It's still sooo obvious that Ali wants Frank, period, end of story. She stares at him, laughs at his bad jokes, won't stop smiling, and is very eager in telling Frank's mom how much she likes him. Too bad we've seen the season preview. Prepare for the wrath of America, Frank. Frank expresses to his sister his doubts that maybe this isn't a forever thing, but then later expresses he could propose in a few weeks. I can't tell whose head Frank is messing with more: Ali's or the viewers.

Ali returns to LA and that gaudy mansion for a rose ceremony that will bring her final 3 to Tahiti. She has a lame 1-on-1 with Chris Harrison, most likely so that Chris Harrison can actually feel involved rather than being that creeper who shows up to say "This is the final rose tonight." Ali starts to tear up during the rose ceremony, knowing that she'll be ripping someone's heart out tonight. The 3 roses are given to Roberto, Chris, and Frank. Poor Kirk is heartbroken, knowing that he's not the one for Ali.

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