Mel's Favorite Shows of 2010

Another year has come and gone: we've suffered through Russell Hantz again, crowned 2 Biggest Losers, and said goodbye to the phenomenon that is Lost. In 2010, I saw some movies, read maybe a book or two, and, of course, watched a TON of TV which therefore means I can make a fairly good list of shows. Without further ado, my 10 favorite shows of 2010, many of which are repeats of 2009 but oh well I said "shows" not "new shows." Before you bitch at me, I haven't watched Breaking Bad or Dexter so no they're not here. Don't forget to leave your favorite 2010 shows in the comments!

10. Parks and Recreation


Season 1 of Parks and Rec wasn't that great and left us wondering if this show was worth the time. Season 2 brought its A-game, fast becoming my 1st-pick of Thursday shows to watch. I always find myself defending P&R from being called an Office-clone. First, Lesley isn't a complete moron, just an optimist frustrated by the man. Second, the show is actually funny (hey-o!). Seriously though, the show is on a roll with the hilarity of Ron Swanson, hatred of office scapegoat Jerry, and bringing Adam Scott and Rob Lowe into the fold as government officials tasked with overseeing the Pawnee government. Watch, laugh, get a DJ Roomba.


9. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Atlanta


You are seeing this and probably thinking I am high, but there is no enjoyment I have like the hot mess housewives of Beverly Hills and Atlanta. Atlanta dumped perennial bore Lisa Wu-Hartwell and brought on a mostly-dull-until-she-made-a-friendship-contract Cynthia and crazy-ass lawyer Phaedra Parks. People hate Phaedra but her insanity and weird words of wisdom have brought a new energy to the show. Plus her baby shit in her hand during a classy photoshoot! Then there is the magic that is Beverly Hills. When I heard about Beverly Hills, I feared another Orange County, which is a franchise I have skipped. Wrong! The delusions of Camille Grammer, Adrienne's glitter weave, the Richards sisters, and the oh so fabulous Lisa Vanderpump and pup Giggy have made it my favorite Thursday night tradition. And not to brag, but my live tweeting is hilarious.


8. Friday Night Lights


It's hard to dump almost your entire regular cast and start from scratch, but FNL did so and created their best season since the first. Coach Taylor begins season 4 fired from Dillon High and having to start the new East Dillon Lions, bringing in a whole new batch of talented actors and storyline potential. While the character of Becky drove me nuts, her abortion storyline was powerful and gave Connie Britton Emmy reel material. Kudos to Michael B. Jordan, whose Vince became so heartbreaking it gave me flashes of his beloved Wallace from The Wire. I don't have the Dish Network, so I'm really looking forward to FNL's final season airing this summer on NBC.


7. Top Chef All-Stars


Now THIS is an All-Star cast. Just a few weeks into the season, I feel like the Top Chef I love is back. Top Chef was never gone, but in languished in a few unmemorable winners. The challenges are fresh and fun and the All-Stars are actually all talented and deserve to be there. Unlike other shows who seem to pluck the same losers over and over, Top Chef brought back the real stars for an ultimate clash of the culinary titans.

6. RuPaul's Drag Race


Covering reality shows week after week, I have to admit you lose some of the joy after awhile (see: The Biggest Loser). When I discovered season 2 of RuPaul's Drag Race it was like the reality TV stork was thinking of me and brought me something new and wonderful. The show is fabulous! The contestants are fashionable, hilarious, gorgeous, and entertaining. RuPaul was born to be a host and I love seeing both RuPaul the man and fabulous drag queen. Plus she introduced "Hey squirrel friends!" into my vocab. The final elimination decision of lip-synching is sheer brilliance and I don't think any kick-off catchphrase is better than, "Shante you stay, Sashasy away." Still trying to decide if season 3, starting in January, deserves the Rundown treatment.


5. Party Down


When Jane Lynch left Party Down for her role on Glee, the skeptics expected Party Down to suffer in her absence. Even I wavered a little, but I was wrong. Megan Mullaly, of Will & Grace fame, joined the cast as naive and overbearing stagemom Lydia and brought the show to new levels of awesome. You tell me another show where Steve Guttenberg's birthday party turns into an impromptu table-read for a hard sci-fi move, ending in awkward hot tub nudity. That's right, you can't! It's a shame this show was cancelled because it was brilliance. It will sit right next to Arrested Development in the gone too soon category.


4. Modern Family


Best comedy on network TV. The show has easily transitioned into one of the best shows on TV, even. Season 2 hasn't missed a beat (so far). Phil Dunphy is my reigning awesome TV dad and Gloria's comedic timing is impeccable. It is truly an ensemble show, with talented adults, kids, and writing. Who said a family comedy has to be hokey?


3. Mad Men


This show just won't quit being awesome! People were furious when Don proposed to sweet secretary Megan, but that's part of the Don Draper allure and mystery. Probably one of the finest hours of TV this year was the "The Suitcase," showcasing the dynamic of Don and Peggy's sometimes tense work relationship, yet unspoken deep friendship. Powerful stuff! Of course, we do have the funny moments, thanks to Roger Sterling's memoirs.


2. The Good Wife


I should begin this by stating that prior to this showed I loathed Julianna Marguiles. I don't know why, but she rubbed me the wrong way. However that attitude of hers completely works in playing the role of attorney/politician's wife on the CBS hit. Her will they/won't they dynamic with boss Will Gardner while juggling life with her reformed cheater husband Peter, keeps you intrigued week after week. But much of this show's love goes to my current favorite character on TV: Kalinda Sharma. The air of mystery surrounding Kalinda has come full force with her new foe, leading to some super sexual tension with evil P.I. Blake. Kudos to the rest of the cast including the dreamy Matt Czurchy, awesome Christine Baranski, and scene-stealer Alan Cumming. While this show may not be for everyone, I wish it was cause it is awesome.


1. Lost



In 2010 we said goodbye forever to our dear Lost. After 6 seasons of questions, answers, non-answers, and amazing nicknames for people, Lost went out in a blaze of kinda-purgatory glory. I was in the loved-the-finale camp, sobbing for a solid 20 minutes afterwards. I can't think of a more powerful moment in TV than watching Jack lay on the ground with Vincent the dog nuzzling up to him. Oh god, I'm getting verklempt now. Lost is the first non-reality show I watched every single episode of without missing a week. I would wait to go out to the bars in college until after Lost aired. I'd stay up until the wee hours to make sure I wasn't spoiled the next day. It was a phenomenon and a show I'll love forever.



Honorable Mentions:
Luther - More like a mini-series, but holy awesome. Idris Elba and Ruth Wilson are phenomenal as an unlikely friendship in the cop series.
90210 - I love to rip on it.
Eastbound & Down
The Walking Dead - Just work on the dialogue and some of the blank stares and this show will break the Top 10.
Boardwalk Empire - People won't give up on Steve Buscemi being mis-cast, but I totally disagree. BE had a great first season and if they can take out a few duds (I mean you Jimmy's kinda lesbian girlfriend, Angela), this could be top 10 potential
Treme - A little slow at times, but that's the brilliance of David Simon's work. It feels real and emotional. Underrated.
Flipping Out - Jeff, Zoila, Jenny and the gang are always top notch entertainment
Cougar Town - Now that the show found its footing, this hilarious group of friends bring the laughter (and a craving for red wine)
Grey's Anatomy - I can't believe I almost forgot this much improved show (thanks @MamaXanaz). After the insane hospital-shooter season finale and the aftershocks carrying over this season, Grey's is back to the show I used to love. A big reason for my love: the news doctors, Avery and Kepner, who have brought a youthful energy that isn't the annoying Lexie Grey to the show
Raising Hope - Another can't believe I almost forgot it (thanks @buzzmusic). This show has improved weekly and become a great comedy for the Fox line-up. Not to mention the show actually cast a cute baby.
Skins - After watching all 4 seasons of Netflix, this should be in top 10 but it didn't all air this year, so it's an honorable mention.


Photo Credits: A.V. Club, BuddyTV, Carla Face, MTV Clutch Blog, Film School Rejects, Pleated-Jeans, Rhymes with Snitch, Sergiogs, Telephonoscope, TV Guide, VH1

Serving of the Week

Name: The Northeast

SERVED: As I sit in my home typing this SERVING of the Week today in my too-small-for-me-Hello Kitty Christmas pajamas sipping a reheated cup of coffee, I am so thankful I put today in as a day off a few weeks back. The northeast has been slammed with a massive snowstorm accompanied by some delightful hurricane-esque winds. It's truly a delight. Across the northeast, backs are being SERVED from shoveling heavy snow, vacations SERVED by cancelled flights, sleep hours are SERVED because WCVB Channel 5 decides to air 5 hours of snow coverage and not air The Sound of Music until midnight, and dogs owners like me being SERVED by having to take the damn dog out to pee all the time while it's a blizzard. Mother Nature, thanks for the SERVING.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit: WHDH - Channel 7 Boston

Reality Rundown: Did You Toss Your Own Salad?

Top Chef All-Stars • Special Edition! The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Top Chef All-Stars - Quickfire challenge: stuffing! Ah, a challenge true to my heart! They need to create some kickass stuffing with no knives or kitchen tools- snap! Top Chef Master and big-time Italian chef Tony Mantuano is the Quickfire guest judge. Worst: Carla'a "un-dente" quinoa stuffing, Tiffani's overly sweet maple stuffing, and Casey's which seem more like a plated app. Best: Tre's southwest spicy stuffing and Marcel's stuffing shoved in a little bird (showoff!). Tre is the winner and receives immunity and $20k courtesy of Swanson's Chicken Broth, of course.

Elimination challenge: cook at the US Open (that's tennis) for the players, which means healthy stuff. The cheftestants draw tennis balls (yellow or orange) to split into teams and will serve their dishes head-to-head; first team to 4 wins. Along with strategizing what dishes to make, they'll also have to decide whether to serve their best dishes early or save for later points. Yellow team's Angelo and Spike are all about the strategy, planning to put their weak dishes against the other teams strong to take them out. Yellow is very tight-lipped but eventually cave and tell Tom their plan. Then my gurl Carla cuts off half her fingernail, but she doesn't pull a Jamie; she covers it up and continues prep. You go, Carla- hootie hoo!

On the courts, the tasting begins. Round 1: Fabio makes whole wheat gnocchi (shocker) and Casey serves a grilled pork tenderloin. Fabio wins (point Orange). Round 2: Dale makes an edamame dumpling, Tiffani a sashami of black bass. Tiffani wins (point Yellow). Round 3 (the unofficial douchebag round): Angelo makes a smoked tuna, Marcel makes a cauliflower cous cous. Angelo wins (point Yellow). Round 4: Tiffany makes a spiced tuna with a lentil salad, Antonia makes a sea scallop over lentils. Antonia wins (point Orange). Round 5: Spike makes a tomato tamarind soup and Richard makes some weird play on tabouli. Richard wins (point Orange). Matchpoint: Carla makes African groundnut soup and Tre makes Coho salmon over parnsip puree. Carla wins (point Orange); Orange wins the challenge.

Fabio, Carla, Richard and Antonia, the winning dishes from the Orange team, are called into the Judges' Panel. The winner of this week's elimination challenge gets a trip to Italy- score! My gurrrl Carla wins and I'm so happy! Take me with you, Carla- we'll become BFFS! The Yellow teams losing dishes go into Judging (Spike, Tre, Tiffany, and Casey), but Jamie doesn't have tobecause her dish was never served, despite it being god awful. Angelo's forcefulness of taking over his teammates' dishes is brought up. Could there be sabotage again? Tre's immunity saves him, since his salmon is oily. Spike's ouzu gelee (forced on by Angelo) and under-seasoned salmon ruins the dish. Casey needed more faro, less protein. Tiffany's dish lacked flavor and led Gail to say "toss your salad" and "flacid" within a minute and a half. Sexy! Spike is sent packing and I can't help but blame it on a lack of fedora.

Special Edition! The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - The next morning the recap the nutso dinner party, held by Camille and attended by an electric cigarette smoking medium named Allison, to their family. While it logically makes sense for everyone to go separate ways for the time now, they all are contractually obligated want to go to Lisa's charity event and Taylor's Roaring 20s party. Except Kim who wants to skip Lisa's event, even though her beef is with Taylor, so yeah makes sense. No one ever wants to skip a theme party. She regrets insulting Taylor's enormous mouth; she plans to apologize.

Lisa's charity event is a fashion show at her restaurant Villa Blanca to raise money for a girl set on fire by a date. Yup, no joke there. But will there be drama here like a New Jersey housewives one? All the ladies attend the event, except Kim and Camille, but Taylor and Kyle agree it's time to make amends. Kyle is feeling totally guilty about the fighting which is such a moment of foreshadowing, because Kyle receives a jaw-dropping text from Camille. It said, "Stop fucking asking about Hawaii!" Just kidding, it was worse: "We will no longer be working with your husband. Thank you very much." (FYI, Kyle's husband is Kelsey Grammer's realtor). Good news is, in about 2 months Kelsey can use Mauricio again (divorce joke!). All jokes aside, Lisa raises $25k for charity and that's a good thing. Not a good thing: being a massive bitch who sends a nasty text during a charity party. Christ Camille, some tact please?

The back and forth Camille/Kyle drama continues. Camille, off in her own world of Malibu NOT Beverly Hills, decides to hang out with hunky guy friend Nick on his hog. No, not psychic medium Allison, a motorcycle. Meanwhile, Kyle has to tell Mauricio about Camille's text, which throws him for a loop but feels he'll need to regain Kelsey and Camille's trust.

Taylor loves her theme parties, so decides to throw a Roaring 20s party so that she can wear jazzy vintage dresses and headbands. I do love a good headband. What about tiny hats? Taylor worries that her party won't have enough fighting to get on air, so she calls Camille to urge her to attend. Taylor takes the face-to-face approach and gets her nails did with star of Meatballs 2 Kim. Taylor admits the invite is last minute because she honestly wasn't sure to invite Kim. I wouldn't be sure either cause Kim is a f'ing downer. They agree that they don't get along great and goddammit, they never answer what an ice cream sundae manicure is!!

Camille and Adrienne have lunch and talk about the 20s party and, what else, Kyle Richards. Adrienne wants peace but Camille can't get over it, comparing Kyle to a child. Because only an adult would send a nasty text during a charity event to get revenge. Adrienne is so over discussing it that she clearly lies about having to get her kid and leaves. That glitter weave adds intelligence, I tell you! In the other corner, Lisa visits Kyle at her house and learns about the text message and hope Camille doesn't attend (which she definitely will).

Roaring 20s party time! Taylor has her stylist come over to do her hair. Kim skips to spend time with her daughter (shocker). Camille shows up in authentic 1920s hot pink. Kyle looks like Liza Minnelli and that's not good. Lisa is obviously the best, showing up dressed as a man while her live-in-gay-BFF Cedric dresses as a lady flapper. Lisa Vanderpump is sheer perfection. Mauricio either lets things slide pretty well or is desperate to retain clients, as her talks to Camille about his vintage pocket chain or something. But Camille and Kyle do make small talk without getting into an argument about what she does in Hawaii, then literally hug it out and move on. Finally! I need something new to make fun of.

Photo Credit: BravoTV.com

Reality Rundown: Survivor: Nicaragua Super Special Finale Edition

Survivor: Nicaragua Super Special Finale Edition

Fabio finally gets the clue he's on the outs, so he begins to plan to make his way to the final 4 (and final Tribal) by breaking up that alliance and winning immunity again. Holly/Sash/Chase know getting Fabio out is their next objective. The immunity challenge is to answer questions for puzzle pieces and then put together a puzzle like every other GD challenge on this show. Enough puzzles, seriously. The big 3 take an early lead on the puzzles, but Fabio comes out of 4th place to rip that puzzle to shreds and wins immunity! At camp, the scheming starts big time and the 3 think Dan should go home because nobody's mad at him. Fabio seems to be playing the role of Greek chorus for us viewers, citing Dan's laziness and poor performance. Fabio is pushing to get rid of Holly. Fabio and Dan think Sash is their swing vote to change the game. A debate launches at Tribal, mainly between Dan and Holly about who's the bigger threat, and Dan, the laziest person to ever make it to the final 5, is at last eliminated. Dan speaks more in his exit interview than he does the whole show, airing grievances about hating Chase, Sash and Holly. It's pretty delightful.

The final 4 continue to strategize, with Fabio trying to get on Chase and Sash's good sides, while the 3 keep blabbing about needing to get Fabio out. But when the momentum gets going we get stuck watching that lameass rite of passage walk where they salute the fallen. Fast forward to the immunity challenge! The challenge is to balance a sword while stacking and balancing coins on it. In another Sash vs. Fabio battle, Fabio is the victor meaning Sash, Holly or Chase isn't going to Final Tribal and it feels so good. They return to camp and begin kissing so much ass, while backstabbing each other left and right. At Tribal Council, Fabio is all smiles knowing he's no longer on the outs and opens up. He can see through Sash's bullshit and explains how Chase and Holly openly admitted Fabio was not in their final 3 plans. Sash, desperate to stick around, tell Fabio he would've taken Fabio to the final 3, shocking all. His bullshit reasoning of using "probably" is because he didn't win immunity and doesn't have to make a choice- what a dick. The votes are cast and Holly is voted are. Are you f'ing kidding me? RAGE! I mean, it's smart because she would've won, but I liked her best!

It's the first all-male final 3 in Survivor history (thanks @jacobjunior7). Sash yaps about the guys being his wingmen- STFU Sash-hole. Fabio is finally able to eat on the day 39 breakfast. Chase is still in game-mode so he works to inflate Fabio's ego to hopefully take him out. Chase thinks he's the underdog and believes his game relationships will help him. It's out of their hands now because it's time to speak to the scorned: the jury!

At the opening statements, Chase is in "bring it on" catch phrase mode, Fabio giggles and had a good time, and Sash makes some "outwit, outplay, outlast" speech and claims he takes the friendships seriously. Marty asks Chase some dumbass question about who is the dumbest (but can't vote for Marty). Jane looks spooky to say the least, calls Sash a "New York city river rat," asks what Chase would do with the money ($100,000 for cancer charity, take care of his mom). Dan calls Sash a phony, liar, spineless, and should get his winking eye fixed. He goes on to call Chase the most paranoid player, a backstabber, and that "beauty fades, dumb is forever." Purple Kelly the quitter speaks and asks how they outwitted the jury (uh, by not quitting?) NaOnka is weirdly nice to Fabio and asks about his mom and if she motivated him, bringing him to tears. Dull. Alina's point is Fabio is a boy, the others are a man, so get to convincing. Chase gets super-defensive about why he deserves to win, which makes the guys all bicker. Votes are cast and my prediction was Sash would get 0 votes. Jeff collects the votes and disappears and arrives at...

The Reunion! Everyone dolled up in front of a crowd in the fake on-stage Tribal. The votes are read and the winner of Survivor: Nicaragua is...

Fabio- I mean Jud.

Aw man- I was ONE VOTE away from predicting the winner. SO CLOSE! I almost did it!!

The reunion starts with interviewing Fabio about his stupidity or act of playing dumb and I don't think he really answered. Chase knows he's wishy washy, didn't bang around with Brenda, and for some reason we have to endure his guitar and country music. Probst thought Sash would be first gone. Jimmy Johnson, who mind you was voted out 3rd and would get zero questions any other season, gets a chat since he's fucking famous. Holly gives Dan a new pair of fancy shoes, meaning ostrich cowboy boots. Jane did a lot of pre-season training, got "fluffed off" by the guys for an alliance. NaOnka is still employed, never took Kelly's fake leg into mind (LIE), and didn't comprehend how crappy it would be to live in a rainforest. The most important thing we learn is that if you quit going forward you can be either left on the jury or taken off. So what they really mean is if you're good TV (like a bitchy NaOnka) you'll be kept on the jury; if you're a nobody (like Purple Kelly), it's sayonara.

The $100,000 fan favorite won by the biggest landslide ever, which is a no shit scenario considering this cast of turds, and it's Jane. Also, Boston Rob because him and Ambuh popped out baby #2 and teases about the game changing forever (FOR THE WORSE). For season 22 of Survivor, when someone is voted out they aren't going home they have to live on Redemption Island. When the next person is voted out, they compete head-to-head to re-enter the game. The loser is out, the winner re-enters the game. I actually like this idea, however I don't like that the show fails to mention that we'll have to suffer through Boston Rob and Russell again, as reported.


Photo Credits: BuddyTV.com, CBS.com, Survivor.com

Serving of the Week

Name: Hugh Jackman

SERVED: In case you missed it, Oprah brought her whole season premiere audience to Australia this week for a trip to a real authentic Outback Steakhouse. Filled with other Australian cultural cliches, the show thought it would be cool to have Hugh Jackman make a grand entrance via a zipline. In true America's Funniest Videos fashion, Hugh pulled the breaks too late and crashed into a lighting rig. SERVED! Check out Dlisted for the hilarious video of his crash. Talk about getting SERVED right in the kisser.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit Dlisted

Reality Rundown: Please Pack Your Douchey Tie and Go

Finale! The Amazing Race • Finale! The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: Nicaragua • Top Chef All-Stars

Finale! The Amazing Race - It's the beginning of the end, as the final 3 board flights to finish their race around the world in sunny Los Angeles, to the tune of Katy Perry's "California Girls" (could it be a hint a ladies team will win??). Brook and Claire bust out the leopard print hot pants for this special occasion. The teams race out of LAX and head the the Long Beach Pier to retrieve their clue: take an elevator to the top of a crane, grab a clue, and then bungee swing back to the bottom. Nat/Kat take an early lead, with Nat being apprehensive since she's afraid of heights, but the other teams catch up and hope she has a height panic attack so they can pass her. Of course they do it right away cause it's the GD finale and if you piss it all away in the finale you're a dingaling.

The next clue sends the teams on a helicopter ride to a surprise destination (did the Bachelor producers create this task?) Surprise! They land at the Rose Bowl and find a Roadblock which instructs one team member to decorate 3 sections of a Tournament of Roses float ALONE. Good lord is that hard and if it is shaped like a stick of butter then it is definitely the Paula Deen Grand Marshall float. It's not, but it's a very timely task that's also subjective based on their arrangement of the flowers. The next clue has 3 questions that will lead to the next location, and there's difficulty finding someone willing to help them get the answers via phone. Jill/Thomas get screwed when their cabbie doesn't know what a Google search is, Brook/Claire use a hotel's internet, but Nat/Kat are able to convince an operator to answer the clue. It leads them to Quixote Studios in Griffith Park, Stage 7.

At Quixote Studios there's a giant screen with 48 different people from around the world in hats; they must identify, in order, the 11 people they've encountered across the race. Legendary gameshow host Bob Eubanks is there to give them the clue when done cause, yeah, no idea why. Nat/Kat were smart and kept notes throughout the race, which helps them keep track of the countries and narrow down the people. Before any other teams get to the studios, Nat/Kat complete the task and are given their final clue: get to the finish line at Greystone Mansion. There's some editing to make Brook/Claire look like they're catching up, but it's all editing: Nat and Kat cross the finish line and are the first female team to win The Amazing Race! I'm so excited and I knew a female team would win this season- I just picked the wrong one. After some Phil interviewing of the finalists, hugging and stuff, we the viewing audience get a tip: next season is "Unfinished Business" aka All Stars 2 and it will be in HD. It would be huge news if that didn't leak like 4 weeks ago online.

Finale! The Biggest Loser - The end is here and I hardly care who wins. Well OK, I only like Ada so I guess it's obvious where my loyalties lie. Right off the bat, Ada and Elizabeth are revealed and slimmer and, obviously, Ada wins the at-home vote to head to the final 3. Bob and Jillian come out, Bob in a tux, Jillian in a Saturday Night Fever suit. Then all the eliminated losers begin weighing in for the Biggest Loser At-Home Prize. Adam from the Blue Team is first to weigh in and grabs an early lead, losing 45% of his body weight. Mid-episode Jesse almost swoops in to beat Adam, but it 1lb short- bummer! Rick loses 165 (47%) weighs in, takes the lead and gets to stand awkwardly next to Alison Sweeney for the next hour. Patrick seems like a shoo-in until Mark comes out, spray-tanned and hair-dyed, oh a super skinny. He loses 213lbs (50.5%) and wins the at-home prize. Winner winner Jennie-O boneless skinless chicken breast dinner!

The final 3 come out on stage and look great, though Patrick should seriously throw on a fucking blazer and class it up a little. It's a big event. Frado hops on the scale first and loses 44% of his weight; no way is he winning with those numbers. Ada weighs in with 99lbs lost (38%) which is a bummer since I actually like her. It's now totally obvious that Patrick is going to to win because the winner always weighs in last to make the confetti blast work in the ideal setting. Patrick wins losing like 181lbs, most likely winning because he talked so much that he dropped another 15lbs in hot air.

Also to note, The Biggest Loser 11 starts in merely 3 weeks (god forbid we get a break) and there are 2 new trainers. The twist: they can choose to train with Bob/Jillian on the ranch OR train with the mystery trainers at an unknown locale. Geez, wonder how much they'll have to pay the contestants to pick option 2? Instead, if you chose the new trainers you essentially have 4 weeks of immunity while the Bob/Jillian people face regular eliminations. Ugh, just when I thought I'd get a breather from recapping this bore-fest.

Survivor: Nicaragua - Sash tries to make good with Fabio, claims he's running the game, and mentions as long as Fabio doesn't win immunity the plan goes on. Talk about foreshadowing! But shortly after, a cell phone is found at Tree Mail with clues for a reward challenge and videos from their loved ones. Everyone cries at the videos, but of course, this is just a tease: their loved ones are there at the challenge! For the reward challenge, the family members will compete together for a chance to spend the day with their Survivor loved one- twist! The survivors retrieve bags of letters from a pool, their family member will solve the puzzle. Chase and his mom win and brings Sash/his mom and Holly/her husband on their cruise. Someone's pandering for votes! Chase wonders what happens to the losers, "They will be taken and executed." HA! Super mis-leading promo. Fabio is completely heartbroken that Chase didn't pick him, since he would've picked Chase had circumstances changed.

Fabio, Dan and Jane return to camp, bitter at losing a chance to be with their family, but also how much Chase kisses Holly's ass. Fabio feels played, Jane wishes she could have time since her daughter is going to college, and they agree it could've been a million dollar decision. A bitter person alliance would be so amazing right now. Meanwhile, the other 3 and family are eating junk food on a boat and make a final 3 pact. They're a bit confident, with the plan to eliminate Fabio in full force. You know the arrogance will bite them in the ass tonight.

The immunity challenge is a blind-folded symbol reading challenge thing to make a matching symbol shield. Who really cares, you just need to know who wins. FABIO WINS! So the arrogant 3 have to change their votes to get rid of someone else, so the easy target is lazyass Dan. Fabio is pushing for Jane because she's guaranteed to win, but Chase is hesitant and it becomes a big decision of should Jane come to final 4. Sash and Holly want her out, Chase is still indecisive, and they are all horrible liars when approached by Jane, who gets the hint pretty quickly. Jane is heartbroken, but still sassy enough to give Sash the finger when he says she could beat any of them for the million. The wrath of Jane needs to make a power move with Fabio and Dan, but instead throws water on the fire.

Tribal is amazing. Jane knows she's going out and does so in a Festivus Airing of Grievances: Holly stealing $1,400 in personal property (Dan's shoes) and lets the news of the 4-way alliance out which shocks Dan and Fabio. Since there's an alliance of 3, Jeff calls them out and even confers in front of the rest of the tribe (and jury) that next to go is Fabio or Dan. Jeff asks the 3 outsiders why they haven't formed an alliance, so Jane proposes they vote off Holly because Chase and Sash both have idols. Now Holly's nervous, Chase is confused, and the votes are cast. Chase and Sash both use their hidden immunity idols so any votes cast against them are null and void. Jane is unanimously voted out by the tribe, not even by a tie. While Jane could've won, when there's an overly arrogant alliance YOU TAKE THEM OUT. DUH.

Top Chef All-Stars - The chefs all agree Jamie should've went home last week since Jen was strong and Jamie spent the whole challenge in the ER. That is neither here or there, as the game goes on. In the kitchen with Padma is guest judge David Chang, and the Quickfire is to split in 4 teams of 4 and complete mise en place and then create a dish using all those ingredients. First team done hits a red button to start a 15 minute clock, forcing the other teams to speed up. Fabio's amazing garlic smashing gives the Black team an early lead and quickly finish the rest of their mise en place, so they hit the button. 15 minutes left, so chaos in the kitchen happens, with only 15 minutes to finish prep, conceptualize and cook their dishes. Red team is worst for the overpowering Parmesan on their lamb carpaccio, along with the Black team (despite having the lead) for their spicing on the Tandoori-rubbed pork chop. Best are White's simple and complex carpaccio and Blue's crispy lamb chop bold flavors. The Blue team (Richard, Stephen, Spike Trey) win $5k each (no immunity).

The teams get a little field trip in their teams to unique restaurants around New York, with the challenge being to create a dish worthy of being on that restaurant's menu and please their chef. The twist is that the groups will be competiting as individuals against each other and there's a double elimination. At Ma Peche, Tiffany, Fabio, Angelo and Mike sample French Vietnamese food and enjoy the food while suffering through Angelo. Richard, Stephen, Trey, and Spike dine at Marea which focuses on coastal Italian (as opposed to inner-city Italian?) Stephen is a stuffy arrogant a-hole and tries to act like he's hot shit. Carla, Tiffani, Asian Dale and Marcel eat at Wylie Dufresne's WD50, which means Marcel's gonna make foam- know that! Carla is worried at the huge style difference between her cooking and WD50's. Jamie, Antonia, White Dale, and Casey get a cocktail with a fish in the bottom of the glass at David Burke's Townhouse. Yeah, whimsical is one way to describe it.

The judges cab-it from restaurant to restaurant to taste the dishes, dining alongside the restaurant owner at each. What if they hopped in the Cash Cab on their way to Ma Peche? That'd be epic. I'd cover all the dining and comments, but quite frankly I'd be blogging forever, so let's just do judges' table, shall we?

Top group: Asian Dale, Tre, Angelo, and Antonia. Antonia makes a delicious play on peas and carrots. Angelo put white chocolate on his fish, which is crazy but worked. Tre's fish was perfectly cooked, simple and the star of the dish. Dale knew Wylie loved eggs, made it good, and made a broth that tasted like breakfast (this I need to try). Dale wins the challenge and a 6 night trip to New Zealand. Bottom: Stephen, Tiffani, Fabio, White Dale. Fabio was definitely out of his element and lost his way with a ton of ingredients to compensate; his lamb was overdone too. Stephen considers himself "an expert in Italian food and wine" and knows he messed up. The flavor and scent was unpleasant, even though the salmon was cooked well. Tiffani's dish was watery and mushy and let the molecular gastonomy take over. Dale's dish was too crazy; he delivered a breakfast dish with veal and it was too sweet. Eww. The judges deliberate and the axe falls on Stephen and Dale for the double elimination. While they are told to pack their knives and go, it's important that Stephen take his douchey ties too.


Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, BuddyTV.com, CBS.com, Dlisted

Small Servings

• It's like a real life Oceans 11! Well, just the Bellagio part.
• Critics' Choice nominee fail
• Every Walking Dead zombie kill in 90 seconds
• Get out your cheapest bottle of rum, it's the Pirates of the Caribbean 4 trailer and there's mermaids!
• In case you still give a shit: Jersey Shore season 3 sneak peek
  
• 12 things you probably didn't know about Home Alone
  
• Dualing bongos alert! Matthew McConaughey to appear on Guy's Big Bite

Photo Credit: TimandEric.tumblr.com

Serving of the Week

Name: Sal Governale, The Howard Stern Show

SERVED: This past Thursday Howard Stern made an official announcement that he has re-upped his contract with Sirius XM for another 5 years. As a listener, I was glad to know I wouldn't have to start listening to lame morning drive-time radio. What I didn't realize is how radio gold would come from this announcement.

Stern Show staffer Sal Governale overslept on Thursday, getting into work far past the 6am call-time and when they big announcement was made. So how do you punish someone for being late? Make them cry on the radio. Howard brought Sal and the rest of the staff (who already knew the positive outcome) into the studio and announced he was leaving Sirius, sending Sal to tears. He audibly wept about feeding his kids, not saving money for the future, and needing a job. Oh it was classic and a total SERVING of epic proportions. It's 18 minutes of pure amazing and even if you're not a Stern fan, please listen. Sal is eventually let in on the prank and realizes he got SERVED on the radio. Guess he learned his lesson.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit: HowardStern.com

Reality Rundown: I Did Love My Chicken!

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser •
Survivor: Nicaragua • Top Chef All-Stars

The Amazing Race - The teams are heading via plane to South Korea and I am dreading that quitters Nick & Vicki will likely catch up due to an equalizer, even with a 6 hour penalty. Luckily, they are unable to might the 12:30AM flight all the other teams catch, setting them back another 9 hours. YES. When the teams arrive in Seoul, South Korea they're made to drive to a bridge at the North Korean border- why??? Trying to get Nick killed, I'd hope. They raft down a river and take a Humvee to a US Army base to a Roadblock: find a soldier wearing their matching headband without being beaten alive as they perform Rex Tai Kwon Do.

The teams then take a subway train to Seoul's World Cup stadium. Jill/Thomas are able to catch an early lead, while Brook/Claire, Nat/Kat wait for the next train; Nick/Vicki are mid-flight, ha! At the stadium, the team's next clue is a Detour: skate a 2 person speedskate or 24 laps or deliver ginseng roots through a market. Hmm, wonder what all 3 athletic teams will choose? Claire can't ice skate, but Brook really wants to do it; there's a minor passive aggressive discussion leading to them doing the ice skating. That's the least of their troubles because they take a cab to the ice rink and the rules strictly say cab or foot. The speed skating is hardly fast and is more like an episode of AFV: falls galore! Jill/Thomas and Brook/Claire are pretty much tied as they leave the Detour, while the Doctors are just beginning. Nick/Vicki are just enjoying their ride to the North Korean border.

Jill/Thomas are confused how Brook/Claire caught up to them so fast, unaware of their cab-taking error. After retrieving yet another clue, the 2 teams race to the Pit Stop, with Brook/Claire in the lead. Brook/Claire are the first to arrive at the Pit Stop mat, but are informed of their rule violation and given a 30 minute penalty. Considering that Nick/Vicki are probably 8 hours behind, I wouldn't be too worried for them. Jill/Thomas have cab chaos and a limited time frame to sneak in as team #1 and succeed; they are officially in the finale and win a trip to Argentina. Brook/Claire check in after their penalty as team #2, and Nat/Kat are team #3. So there's your final 3 and there's a huge chance a female team could win this race which is pretty great. I guessed a female team would win this race, sadly I picked the wrong one. Oh, Nick and Vicki. They're way behind, also having to do a speed bump of apparently washing a Humvee, and eventually arrive at the Pit Stop. Did they do the other tasks? Not sure- they might've been given a go but at least another a-hole couple doesn't make the finale.

The Biggest Loser - I swear this show exists slowly to annoy me. 2 hours 9-11 just so people can watch Minute to Win It: Holiday Edition. GMAFB. So here's what happens, eventhough it's like the same as every other season: the losers go home and reunite with their families and friends. Everyone marvels, cries, and opens the DVD they were sent home with that says, like it has the past couple of seasons, they will run a marathon to complete their journey (oh and it shows their families their progress on the ranch). The only family video I watched was Ada's, since her family finally saw the shit she's felt over the years and realize they were crappy parents to her and it's emotional, though I didn't cry like my mom did.

Everyone trains for the marathon, which includes running, a Biggest Loser Wii game product placement and Curtis Stone making his horrible food for Frado's charity event, since he wont the last weight in. Bob and Jillian also make their usual house calls to see how everyone is doing. Jillian has little to no faith in Elizabeth and bets she hasn't lost weight; gee, ya think? She's the weakest player EVER to make the finale. Plus she moved in with her boyfriend and their fridge is stocked with crap. Patrick just has money issues, Frado thrives, Ada still being a downer and not being happy.

The losers come back to the ranch to run their marathon and you wouldn't believe it: friends show up along the way to cheer them on! No ex-losers though, which is a surprise Frado and Patrick run together, Elizabeth doesn't die, Ada is still awesome and the only likable one. Also, every mile-marker has a stupid ad for that GD Wii game; WE GET IT. Ada decides to not pull an Uta Pippig and uses a porta-potty even if she's on a quest to beat ex-contestant Tara's time. Ada wins the marathon, they all finish (even Elizabeth), see how far they came, and get a check courtesy of that stupid f'ing Wii game. At the weigh-in, it's surprisingly Ada who does the worst (12lbs) though Elizabeth only lost 16lbs and she's heavier, so she still stinks. Frado and Patrick are above the yellow line and advance to the finales, leaving Ada and Elizabeth below the yellow line and their fate in America's hands. Ada will move on- no brainer.

Survivor: Nicaragua - The survivors are still reeling over the quitting of NaOnka and Purple Kelly; they even name the chicken Kelly-Nay since they are chicken themselves. Sash isn't planning to quit any time soon as approaches the young guys (sorry Dan) about a plan for him to ditch his idol next council and gain some trust since he's a swing vote at this point. Chase and Sash bond and agree to take each other on the next reward, which seems pointless until you read the next paragraph.

It's day 30 and the challenge is a "second chance" where they revisit past challenges: mud pits, hay, balls, digging, ropes, blah blah blah aka NOT THE AMAZING AUCTION. The winner, Chase, and his guests, Holly and Jane, have a meal, shower, and spend the night at a private resort. Chase isn't stupid though and realizes he made a blunder not picking Sash and it could bite him and Holly in the ass. Sash thinks it's the dumbest move in the game because now he can strategize with the dudes, so he explains he knows he's #4 either way so he's with them now. Dan's not buying it because Sash even betrayed his top alliance with Brenda, but he knows he's stuck because it's a numbers game. Then the guys kill Kelly-Nay and devour her, which brings Jane to tears and she makes a memorial.

Chase, Holly and Jane put their plan in motion to make Sash feel safe and convince others not to get them out. Sash makes some deals with Chase re: final 3 and 2 and Chase agrees; sorry Sash, the dude just said he'd take you on a reward and you buy this? Or perhaps it's because Sash made Chase swear on Chase's recently deceased father. What a dick. Benry just wants to stick around so agrees with the other tribemembers choice of Fabio being eliminated, but makes the point that Jane would be horrible to bring to the finals. With all the Fabio talk I thought he'd winning immunity, the SASH-HOLE wins immunity in a coin stack puzzle.

Sash's ego skyrockets, claiming he's been half-assing challenges and that he'll be a shoo-in to win the million. Fabio is uneasy and asks Sash to give him a head's up if his name is out there; he doesn't. To stay in the game, even Benry turns on Fabio and tells Fabio the tribe is voting off Holly, who then feels safe. D'oh. Sash and Jane talk and he explain she's like a second mother to him and he wouldn't vote her off. Yeah right, Sash-hole. At Tribal, Fabio seems pretty confident and safe is his alliance which is #1 "You're going home" signal. But there's a last minute switcheroo and an unsuspecting Benry is sent packin'.

Top Chef All-Stars - Joe Jonas is in the kitchen for the Quickfire so it must be a total dreamboat challenge, right? Actually, each chef must create a dish as a midnight snack in a brown paper bag for a bunch of kids spending a night at the museum. I did this with Girl Scouts as a kid. We slept under the T-Rex and they gave us shitty granola bars, so a sweet Top Chef snack, but also that was like 17 years ago so there was no Top Chef. Dale doesn't know Joe Jonas and seems to hate children because he makes them a corn cake and wishes he could put Nyquil in it. He truly understands the palette of a child. So the bottom: Tiffany's bread pudding, Mike's nasty coconut milk chaser, and Stephen's pretentious cookie. Favorites: Spike's chips and marshmallow dip and Tiffani's rice krispie chocolate moon pie. But they don't announce who wins because they have to get the verdict at the museum when they will make their treat for the kids. Tiffani and Spike also are made team captains and get to select their teammates to help make their treat; Fabio is last picked so gets to pick his team and he goes Spike.

So the kids pig out, get campaigned to by the chefs, freak out when they see Joe Jonas, and vote: Tiffani wins the Quickfire and immunity. Sighs of relief to escape the kids, but a-ha, not so fast as Tom enters the museum. The Elimination Challenge is to work in their teams to create a breakfast for the kids and their parents at the museum... for a 7:45 breakfast time. The other catch: one team can only cook only meat/eggs/dairy (Team T-Rex), another with only fruits, veggies, and grains (Team Brontosaurus). Tiffani chooses meat/dairy and Spike is fruit/veggies/grain. So the teams brainstorm and catch the little bit of zzzs they can, except some of the dudes who explore the museum with a flashlight like it's a date on The Bachelor.

Cooking time! Team T-Rex realize they can ONLY cook meat and therefore there's no flour, fruit, etc. at all so they're a little screwed. The pressure is on and Jamie slices her thumb, leaving to get stitches and making her teammates a little bitter. Jamie and Cutthroat Bitch Jen were paired together on their team so she just mans up and does it alone. The Brontosaurus team encounters kitchen troubles with the oven not cooking evenly and being a little chaotic. But that's pretty tame compared to slicing open a thumb. There's a lot of scrambling (breakfast pun!), bickering, and a plum cutting controversy. Oh and Jamie returns with two whole stitches. The nightmare!! The teams finally get to serving their food and the guest judge is Katie Lee Joel, aka the girl who lost her job to Padma. You wouldn't believe this, but the kids hate vegetables!

Team Brontosaurus is the winner which means Carla is safe- Hootie Hoo! The men's banana parfait was creative and tasty, even with tiny plums, so Richard/Marcel/Angelo win. Tiffani does admit her mistake in misunderstanding the challenge. Tifanny/Antonio's frittatas were not consistently cooked. The steak and eggs tasted well but was so basic. The salmon was too salty, which is attributed to Trey's sauce. Cutthroat Bitch Jen is livid to be on the losing team and believes it's a mistake. She disagrees with the judges critique about the flavoring and seasoning of her "bacon" pork belly hollandaise dish, like fighting about it. I think Tom is turned on. The Cutthroat Bitch is sent packing not because she yelled but because the food stunk and now you know, anyone can go home. She screams a little bit while leaving because she thinks she's off camera, which is delightful. Simma down, Jen: this is All-Stars, bitch!

Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, CBS.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

Small Servings

• James Franco makes out with self
• Happy Holidays from Awreatha Franklin
• I now think all crazy hospitals house psycho hand models
• ET raving
• Auto-correct fail causes child to fear for worse
• RHOBH's Adrienne Maloof sets trend of the glitter weave
• There is no better way to honor Michael Jackson than with a cake more messed up than his face
• Big Brother dick pic scandal possibly just some dude on the net who likes to f with castmembers
• Comedy Death-Ray's eBay auction for LA Food Bank has greatest prizes ever
• Adorable of the day: Firefox's cub cam
• Choose your own Michael Douglas ending
  

Photo Credit: Cooler Than That

Serving of the Week

Name: Brendon Villegas, Big Brother 12

SERVED: I bet you see this and are confused. You're saying, "Melissa, Big Brother ended months ago. Did you hit the wrong post date?" No, my friends, this is current and amazing.

Brendon met the "love of his life" Rachel in the BB house and life has been smooth sailing since. Until this weekend. Some chick on Twitter exposed Brendon, literally, with dick pics from their Skype chats. SERVED! Turns out, Brendon has allegedly cyber-Skyped with 3 women. SERVED again! I mean I know Big Brother castmembers are megastars, but this seems weird. For what it's worth, his accuser seems to have a fascination with ex-BBers because she also posted dick pics of former castmember James and had slept with an unnamed 3rd. Eh, I might try to upgrade my reality show of choice. Brendon then took his tears to YouTube, posting a 7 minute sobfest which incited such laughter from us all. So here's a SERVING for being a crybaby on YouTube, too. Rachel and the girl DM'ed on Twitter to reach a solution, but it sounds like a dick pick on Skype won't get between Rachel and her man. Just a piece of advice: Brendon, sometimes asking yourself, "What Would Brett Favre Do?" is not the best solution. SERVED.

Get your pic links and video sobbing here.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Reality Rundown: Quitters GTFO

The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser • Survivor: Nicaragua •
New! Top Chef All-Stars

The Amazing Race - The teams Bangla-dash to Hong Kong via plane, then bus, then ferry to retrieve the next clue. Jill/Thomas, who probably had a 6 hour lead on the other teams, lose it once all the teams depart on the same 11:55PM flight. Brook/Claire confront Jill/Thomas about U Turning them, but they say take it as a compliment that we see you as a threat. Running to the ferry, Vikki’s asthma acts up and they miss the first ferry, giving Nick a reason to whine/be a dick more.

The teams are sent to a Majesty Chinese Restaurant where a Road Block forces one teammate to find fake wax food amongst a giant buffet, eating any real item they pick up in the process, while also being tortured by live karaoke. Fun fact: I’m obsessed with fake wax food; I’ve Googled how to make it myself and always wanted a fake milkshake in a fancy glass to display. Claire jumps at the chance to do karaoke, but gets screwed when she opts to do this task and is a picky eater. Better than a watermelon to the face. Claire’s overeating causes her to barf in the bathroom, so check that item off your bucket list. Vikki takes forever to complete the task, barfing and gagging up the warm sushi, and Nick even suggests taking the penalty just to move on, but Vikki doesn’t want to be a quitter and eventually completes the task.

After finding their wax food, the teams have to find a statue of Bruce Lee on the Avenue of Stars for their next clue. Detour: ride a ding ding tram to find 3 signs that reveal the pit stop location or ride a sampan (boat) with a bird cage and trade it for the clue. Hard! Well, for me cause birds of all sizes get me the willies. Nat/Kat have an early lead and choose the sampan, while Jill/Thomas opt for ding ding (and later switch to the sampan). Both tasks are extremely time consuming and hard to identify, especially late at night. Luck is on Jill and Thomas’ side when they quickly find their boat, with Nat/Kat dropping their parakeets off shortly after. After some cab struggling, it’s a race to the Pit Stop with Nat/Kat checking in 1st and winning a trip to Rio de Janeiro. As Brook/Claire complete the Detour, Nick/Vikki are out at sea scanning the boats. Nick keeps whining about quitting, sleeping, taking a penalty, and wanting to be home. So Vikki keeps looking while Nick sleeps on the sampan, but Nick’s refusal to help her leads Vikki to stop and take the 6 hour penalty. Phil lets them know it’s a non-elimination leg and I want to smash my computer that this asshole is still in the race.

The Biggest Loser - Moving this 2-hour bloatfest to 9pm for a week didn't help me. I put off watching this until the last possible night. This season is just not full of likable contestants and bores me. Onto the show!

This is the final week on campus and along with the standard yellow line, there's the dreaded red line too. Someone is going home automatically and I can name 3 people I hope meet their fate that way (cocky alliance Brendan, Frado, Patrick). Olympic gold medalist, gymnast Nasta Liukin, makes a visit to campus to discuss training, goals, and priorities. All of this hoopla is just to announce a challenge where the winner gets $10k, along with some Subway product placement shoved in your face. It's sort of an elimination-style relay, moving from leg-to-leg, with jump rope, street strider, and the infamous Jacob's Ladder (an infinite staircase). Brendon wins and while he's a strong competitor, I hate people who seem totally about game play. He does give $1k to breast cancer, which is nice, and then everyone eats Subway with Nastia Liukin. Not many people get to say they ate terrible subs with an Olympian.

The losers bond over what they'd spend the prize money on, which is surprisingly NOT 40 years worth of Subway subs. No, it's family sob-stories and they all cry. Dr. Huizenga gives updates too and Frado is almost non-diabetic. Bob and Jillian start to prepare the losers for the rest of their weight-loss journey at home, including tips and pep talks. Most at risk is Ada, who is still battling all those inner demons about her parents hating her. The losers compete in yet another challenge because god forbid you let the show last an hour: load up with the amount of weight they lost and do step-ups and a mile run, just like their original challenge to get on the show, dropping bits of weight as they go along. Winner gets a 1lb advantage and a home gym installed in their home as soon as they get back. Ada wins! Hooray for the only person I like!

At the weigh-in, it's uber-gameplayer Brendan who falls below the red line and is eliminated after a lot of speeches. Playa got played! Mark, who got a lot of screentime this week and cried about his dad a bunch, falls below the yellow line along with Elizabeth who honestly should buy a timeshare under that line. Since he finally got to talk a lot this episode, and because he's lost a shit-ton of weight compared to most of the others, Mark is eliminated by Patrick's vote again. When will anyone see that Patrick isn't in there for anyone but himself?

Survivor: Nicaragua - Purple Kelly speaks this episode which is a total mindfuck. Her and Sash, now Brenda-less, are probably next on the chopping block; so I guess the anti-Benry movement has passed? The camp starts flooding again, which is why it seems stupid the merged tribe didn't get to go to the better camp. NaOnka's anemic and ready to quit; she even gives Chase her immunity idol because her heart's not into the game. So you stay like 20-something days to possibly quit? LAME. Purple Kelly wants to quit too because, I really don't know- she's over it too? Quitters. Now with an idol, Chase proposes an alliance of himself, Holly, Jane and Sash (who doesn't trust them).

Reward challenge: get tethered together and untie a dummy named Gulliver and bring him through an obstacle course. I wish it was Mr. Highway from The Good Son. The winners get to see a sneak peak of the terrible looking Gulliver's Travels movie and eat movie snacks. I was just thinking recently how I miss Survivor's old obnoxious product placements; turns out, I didn't really miss it. The blue team (Holly, NaOnka, Chase, Benry, Dan) win reward. But the excitement is short lived because NaOnka quits immediately after the reward challenge. Jeff is shocked and asks if anyone else wants to quit, which I'm assuming he was saying in a "you look like an idiot way!" Except then Purple Kelly pipes up that she too wants to quit because it's physically and mentally exhausting. All I can say is, fuck Survivor quitters. LEAVE. Get off my screen. Unfortunately, Jeff wants them to take the night to think about it. Probst also makes an offer: if one person skips the reward, he'll give the tribe tarp and rice. Holly accepts the offer and makes a super long speech about sacrifice, which is complete bullshit on NaOnka's behalf since she's quitting and will eat later. Holly also just set herself up for the win: sacrifice, didn't quit early on, AND made power moves.

At camp, Holly tries to talk some sense into Purple Kelly, explaining now there is food and shelter and life gets much harder than this. Purple Kelly sums it up best, "I have nothing left to suck." (cue you yelling, "That's what she said!") They eat their rice while the others eat candy, popcorn and fake laugh at the movie.

Tribal Council: mucho discussion about quitting the game. It's my body this, bad weather that- blah, blah, quit already! NaOnka doesn't think she's selfish, she's still NaOnka, still strong. Jane then compares quitting Survivor to the unemployment in the country... yeah. I just don't care at this point because I just want these quitters to leave. Jeff poses the final quitting question: NaOnka quits, Purple Kelly quits. Since NaOnka and Purple Kelly didn't quit, Jeff doesn't want to snuff their torches but he still does and leaves it at tribal as a reminder. BFD. Peace out you quittin' hoes. They say haters gon' hate- YOU BET I AM.

New! Top Chef All-Stars - In terms of All-Star casts, this is probably the best yet. Not a single person I hate, just some I love more than others. Instead of the old white coats, everyone gets super chic black coats because that's what badasses wear, and long gone is Gladware; say hello to new sponsor, Buitoni! The chefs are reunited and remember fonder times and then head to the kitchen to meet Padma and Tom. This season there will be a shitload of cash prizes, with the winner getting $200k in the end. GAME ON!

Quickfire: each season will team up together and create a dish that represents the city the season was held in. It's kitchen chaos with people getting bumped, running, and flames. Each team sort of picks a focus: San Francisco: does sourdough, LA: shrimp tacos, Miami: pork, Chicago: sausage hot dog, New York: apple, Las Vegas: lobster, and DC: crab cakes. Bottom: the shrimp tacos, the sourdough had too much garlic, and the Big Apple 3 dishes didn't tie together, and DC too salty. Miami's pork dish had good habaneros, Chicago was innovative with their mustard concoction, and Vegas had well-made pasta. The winning dish is Chicago (Dale, Richard, Spike, Antonia). The 4 of them win immunity.

Elimination challenge: turn the dish that sent you home into a success. AWESOME challenge idea. Common theme: scallops. TOP SCALLOP!!! Would be most in trouble: Dale, who has to fix his butterscotch scallops, but he has immunity so makes CORN BREAD. Be still my heart. Everyone seems to have some good ideas which makes me think this haunts them and they always though of ways to fix the dish. They get a day to prep and then serve the judges at the famous Russian Tea Room; winner wins $10k. Joining Tom and Padma is Gail, my main gurl, and new judge/badass Anthony Bourdain. Also judging, the cheftestants themselves. Split into 2 groups, while one preps, the other gets to dine, and the chefs also get to hear what the critiques are. Turns out they didn't know they were being viewed by the other cheftestants since some harsh stuff was said, especially regarding Fabio's pasta (Bourdain called it "swampy"). The fun doesn't stop there as Bourdain tears many dishes to shreds. Quite simply, he rules.

Judges Panel. Spike, Jamie, Richard and Angelo are called in first (top 4) and Richard is DQ'd for plating past the time limit. Jamie improves her terrible celery, Angelo was able to work out the watermelon tea and re-invent the dish, and Spike makes the frozen scallops work. Angelo wins the first Quickfire, so we'll see if the ego returns or if being around All Stars humbles him. Bottom: Fabio, Stephen, Elia. Stephen had to make 3 dishes (since he got eliminated during Restaurant Wars) but has poor proportions. Elia left is all the same as before but added fennel, but unfortunately her meat was raw. Fabio, not wearing his chef coat, is still happy with the dish, but it was overdressed and overdone. Bourdain said it was "horrifying looking" and Fabio fights back that while constructive criticism is good, some of his stuff is crossing a line. Elia is eliminated and since mid-episode there was a random Elia's original season moment I'll say that was probably an early spoiler.

Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, CBS.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

Small Servings

• Hootie Hoo! Faces of Top Chef's Carla
• Don't claim about being a broke Teen Mom and then opt to waste your money on an expensive (ugly) tattoo
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift: dating or attempting to visit all the coffee houses in America?
• Teva Stilettos - no thanks
• Life-size Optimus Prime ice sculpture
• Awkward C3PO tape dispenser