January 4, 2011

Reality Rundown: Brad's Changed You Guys, For Real, OK?! He's Changed!!

1/04/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 1 comment
The Bachelor

Previously on The Bachelor: Brad Womack realized it would be wrong to fake propose to women he didn't love and become the most hated man in America when he dumped both women. Lucky for him, Jason Mesnick came along, and then Jake Pavelka so we forgot about him. Since Chris Lambton turned down the show, Brad not only gets his sloppy seconds, but a second chance at love. Brad explains to the viewers how he was broken and at the lowest of lows and claims he got therapy for it. Really? That's a f'ing waste of money. He ponders his life over a montage of shirtless oiled up jogging, pushups, and jump roping, an obvious sign of how much he's changed I guess.

Who are the lucky ladies? A dental hygienist, a mortician, a girl with a dead dad, divorcees, a waxer who calls herself a "manscaper," single moms, and A VAMPIRE. Yes, really. The sob story is a girl, Emily, who was engaged to a racecar driver that died in a plane crash and she found out she was pregnant the days later. Yikes. She's a shoo-in to be next season's Bachelorette should she lose. The ladies get primped but are in for a shock when they pull up in their limos to see that Brad is their hunk of man meat.

Before the ladies arrive, host/douchebag Chris Harrison has a real man talk with Brad that's a total set-up for the big reveal: the two women he dumped are here. Jenni and Deanna, who I still consider such a hag, come out to "confront" him and get an apology. Again, not staged at all, but Brad's thrown for a loop. He does apologize for dumping them on TV and not being there for them or something. The ladies are just more surprised he'd do this show again. Blah blah. This is like the most repetitive hour ever: he's done therapy, he's sorry, yaaaawn.

Now, can the real "dating" begin? First girl out of the limo, Chantal, gives Brad a gift from every woman in America: a slap in the face. Totally not set up!! Brad gets totally turned on, but I think it deserved a Rick James "What did the five fingers say to the face?" One girl wears clown shoes, or like clown espadrilles, and another wears whorish Ruby Red Slippers. The rest rock their finest dresses from their local Cache and come up with lame pick up lines. Either the women know his reputation or don't, but either way he tells them he's changed. The pick up lines get worse and worse- make it end!

Just when the party looks like it's going to begin, Brad talks AGAIN about how he's changed, been in therapy, and is ready for love. But he does drop a "I'm here for the right reasons" so that's fun. All his one-on-one time is sooo fucking dull. Just begging for forgiveness over and over (even the girls know he's doing this). The phrase of this season is "I've changed." I wish I thought of this earlier cause I would've counted it. The only interesting thing happens when the "manscaper" waxes his wrist. But where did the crockpot of hot wax come from?? My favorite moment is when one chick talks to Brad, another steals him away (she's funny cause she doesn't wear shoes), then chick #1 steals him back, and then shoeless girl steals him again! When she finally gets him again, Brad gets stolen again. Awesome! Brad thinks Madison the vampire girl is hot but thinks the fangs are a stupid game. He gets kind of ticked which is fun.

After all the apologies and drama, Ashley S. gets the first impression rose. She is cute, bubbly, and probably 13 years too young for him. With the clink of champagne glass, it's time for Brad to go stare awkwardly at 30 pictures of practical strangers and decide who's most bangable. I mean wife material! Vampire girl, annoying dentist, hyperactive alleged-Rockette (she looks too short), dead Nascar fiance single-mom, and all the hot girls. Who's out: girl who kept getting alone time interruptus, Troll 2 sister doppelganger, and a few butterfaces.

Season Tracking
"I've changed": INFINITY, I can't even count
"I'm here for the right reasons": 1
"She's NOT here for the right reasons": 0
Helicopter date count: Coming soon!!!!!
Super Extreme Stunt date count: Coming soon too!

Photo Credit: BuddyTV.com


Anonymous said...

ThE fAnGs DidN't mEan a tHanG!