January 21, 2011

Reality Rundown: A Perfect Storm of F'ing Awfulness

1/21/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Biggest LoserTop Chef All-Stars

The Biggest Loser -The mystery trainer are announced: boxer and not-a-celebrity-trainer Cara Castranova and fitness trainer and self-declared motivator Brett Hobell (he also does martial arts and was pre-med). Oh and he used to be a fatty too as a teen. Now that their identities are revealed, we get more of a glimpse of the Unknowns, as they point out that Q on the red team is slacking with his weight loss.

The Unknowns then meet up with the Bob/Jillian squad for a challenge, hidden by a big wall (god forbid they see their oh so slender physiques). The winning teams get dinner with Curtis Stone (and two individuals will compete for a 2lb advantage at the weigh-in). Throw the challenge, his healthy food is terrible! The challenge is to balance an egg as long as they can on an upside down frying pan. Denise, some lady on the pink team, wins the challenge after all the Unknowns quit the challenge by throwing their eggs at the other team. They rule. Marci from Team Aqua wins for her team, giving them these two teams the chance to win the 2lb advantage at their Curtis Stone dinner. They eventually have their dinner with Curtis and the challenge to win the 2lb advantage is to guess the amount of the amount of calories dinner totals. There's a salad with roasted squash and fish served quinoa; oh and it's lunch-time, not dinner. The ladies use their eating time to dish on the trainers, with Denise bragging about the new trainers. Curtis then shows how to make a poached pear dessert served over Greek yogurt. Marci guesses 480 calories while Denise goes for 440; 572 is the correct calorie count so Marci wins a 2lb advantage for the aqua team.

Now normally I don't report on Dr. Huizenga's visits to tell the losers they are in old people bodies, but I had to discuss the fact that Dr. Huizenga tells the dude on the gray team not only that he'll die young, but the actual day he will day. Fucking MORBID. So set your Outlook calendars for 4/23/25, I guess? Oh and the daughter on the pink team is 58% body fat- gross.

Because this show aspires to make these recaps extremely long, there's another challenge where they need to pump water into a drum, roll it, and try to eliminate people. The prize is big: the team that wins gets to cast pre-decided who should win and lose. Irene, the sole member of the orange team, gets that honor. The fat cop twins of the Black team want to be gone, or I guess the one named Dan does.

At the weigh-in, Bob gets pissed at the Dan on the blue team for being OK with his 4lb loss when his son's fate in the game could be in jeopardy due to that number. It doesn't matter much because the fat cop twins both GAIN 9LBS (18lb total). The trainers are justifiably pissed, especially since some fatties out there in the world that didn't make the show could've had these two morons' spots. Dan's wish is granted and is eliminated by Irene's vote.

Top Chef All-Stars - The cheftestants head to Eric Ripert's Le Bernardin for their Quickfire challenge. Anthony Bourdain, not uptight Padma, lets them know it's a fish butchering challenge to portion one cod and one fluke to Le Bernardin standards in 10 minutes. Aw snap. Bottom: Fabio, Carla, Tiffany, Antonia. Top: Dale, Richard, Mike, Marcel. The top 4 get 45 minutes to cook a dish using all the excess nasty fish for a chance to win immunity. Richard makes a schnitzel of cod belly, Mike pan-roasted belly, Dale fluke back sashimi and bacon dashi, and Marcel cod mousseline. The winner of the challenge is Dale. Anyone but Marcel is how I see it!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's here: Restaurant Wars!!!! Dale chooses Marcel as the other team captain to make sure he doesn't have to work with him. Marcel picks Angelo, Mike, Antonia, and Tiffany. Dale picks Richard, Tre, Fabio, and Carla. The catch this time is that the diners will choose the winner, not the judges. Marcel's team wants to do flavorful global cuisine and then bitches about them wanting to name the restaurant before coming up with dishes. Nobody listens to Marcel cause he's a jerk. Dale's team automatically picks Fabio for front of the house cause he's Mr. Congeniality. They name their restaurant Bodega, and already I'm in. Caviar dipped in ranch dressing? F yes.

As the chefs prep at their dining space, Tom lets them know the individual winner gets $10k. Fabio realizes that 50% of the dining experience today is the food and 50% is him wining and dining the customers. Marcel's team still hates him. Tiffany is charged with front of house, has some egg issues, and Mike will be in charge of making her dish while she's running the house. This is some obvious foreshadowing.

Service starts and Richard explains to use the diners will eat at one restaurant, then move over to the other, then pick a winner. During service, Dale gets all sassy with the waitstaff- cranky pants! Fabio smooths it over. He also impresses the judges with his amazing interactions with the staff. Over at Marcel's restaurant (Etch), diners are sending food back because it's undercooked (or at least, diners perceive that, cause lamb is supposed to be kinda red). Once the kinks are worked out, the diners enjoy their meals. Tiffany's hosting skills are OK, but her fake loud laugh is super annoying. The judges seem to dislike most of their food, especially Marcel's dessert which Bourdain calls "a perfect storm of fucking awfulness." BEST QUOTE EVER.

Judges' Table. Etch is called in first and they are the least favorite: woohoo! Only 17 of 76 picked them- ouch! Bodega is called in second to receive their congratulations, relieving much stress for Dale's team. The potato chips on the table as a starter was a great intro for the meal. Fabio's service was out of the park, plus they loved his cheesecake dessert. Dale's egg dish was simple yet amazing. Tre's pork shoulder was braised well with great flavor and spice. Carla's blueberry pie fit right into the menu. The winner, and recipient off $10k, is Richard.

During Etch's judging, no one wants to step up and blame another teammate for the poor kitchen management. Angelo's crudot was too complicated. Mike's pork belly needed a little more flavor and the octopus needed a little char. Antonia's oxtail ragu is sticky. Marcel's fish was mushy and the dessert, well we know it was terrible. Tiffany's asparagus and chorizo had no flavor and her front-of-house management is brought up. She didn't mean to dime them out, but brings up the kitchen controversies. Marcel then tries to add more blame to Mike, who finally decides to take down that little beotch Marcel by pointing out his poor multi-tasking and that he's a ticking time bomb. In my opinion, Etch failed due to poor leadership, not because of Tiffany's hosting. The judges' final decision is to eliminate Marcel. Y-E-S. Peace out, d-bag.

Photo Credits: NBC.com, BravoTV.com