January 11, 2011

Reality Rundown: She's Sopissticated

1/11/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Previously on The Bachelor: Brad's changed! This week: the women still don't think Brad's changed and he'll feel obligated to pick someone. Sort of like how I feel obligated to watch, yet secretly love it.

Date #1: Ashley H. (the dentist) gets a solo date with Brad and he drives them down a dark dirt road where a serial killer should've popped out to take them down. They pull over, walk in the woods, flip a light switch and ta-da! It's a massive carnival. Watch out Brad, a carnie might steal your date. They run around like a bunch of kids and sadly no one pukes on the the Tilt-A-Whirl, which is unfortunate cause I thought drinking wine at a carnival might induce vomiting. They share the first kiss on the season, one big old' smooch. They bond about their daddy issues and she obviously gets a rose and they make out on the ferris wheel.

Date #2: a group date with a bunch of chicks (15 to be specific) and I tried to type their names but it was too fast. Some hair stylist (read: wannabe actress) Michelle whines because she wanted alone time for her 30th birthday: "happy freakin' birthday to me." Boo-urns bitch! The ladies pull up to their date: a blood drive, or really shoot a commercial promoting blood drives. Oh shit, someone better keep an eye on Madison the vampire. Everyone is put into costumes like sexy cougar, sexy virginal girl, sexy maid, sexy threesome, and the of course butch woman with two arm casts. The commercial for blood drives is just all the women making out with Brad. Melissa, the old lady who admits has been preparing to be on this show for 8 years, runs onto the set just to get a kiss and end him kissing girls in scene 1. Lame-o. Britt, who is a self-described prude, gets all up on Brad with a risque makeout (while Michelle continues to bitch on the sidelines). Michelle walks off set in an obvious ploy to get attention from Brad; it works.

Post-commercial there's the usual late-night roof pool party. Honestly, can the producers think of nothing new? Melissa explains she's not crazy but fails to tell him that if she didn't get one-on-one time she'd leave; the girls (specifically Rachel) don't appreciate that. Michelle just wants the rose for a birthday gift, because if you forgot, she's 30 on this date. Michelle gets the rose for "putting herself out there" and cause it's her birthday. The other girls are devastated since Michelle's a nasty manipulative bitch.

Date #3: Jackie and Brad "get their love on track." They mislead me to think this is a super awesome extreme date, but it's a Pretty Woman experience. So she's a hooker? Getting clothes? Did you know that the original ending of Pretty Woman was Richard Gere kicking Julia Roberts to the curb? I like that better. First, get into some robes for a spa day. Second, go into a hotel room full of prom dresses, I mean evening gowns, where she has the pick of whatever she wants. They get all gussied up for their mystery evening, where Brad voiceovers that Jackie is intelligent and "sopisticated." No, not sophisticated, sopisicated. They arrive at the Hollywood Bowl where the sign out front says, "For Jackie, Love Brad." Gag! There's a private dinner for 2 (and a camera crew). Brad seems almost appalled at the idea she's only had 2 serious relationships and then gets therapist on her. Jackie gets the rose because she's just like him. Gag again. There's one big surprise: a private concert from... TRAIN. I'd give back the rose and run.

Cocktail party: Brad feels like it's a room of friends. A couple of friends he's tongue-kissed. Michelle pulls Brad for alone time first to ask important questions: Starbuck vs. The Coffee Bean, what's always in his fridge. But she already has a rose!! And when Michelle tells the girls she asked these questions they think she is high on crack cocaine. Emily has sincere alone time. Melissa and Rachel continue their old lady vs. young girl bitchfest. Rachel knows she'll stick around cause the lord loves her. Yes, god has a lot of money riding on who Brad Womack decides to bang for a few months. Melissa cries to Brad, so all the ladies eavesdrop as she tattles on Rachel "an energy suck." She ruins the sobbing moment with her onion pizza breath/burps. Bitch be crazy! Brad pulls Rachel aside where she explains her "technical difficulty" with Melissa.

Chris Harrison comes out with his champagne to have the annual "here for the right reasons" vote and Ali and Roberto come to help him cause they're soooo tight. Seriously, have they met before? Ali and Roberto interrogate the women pretty deep: "How old are you?" "What do you do for a living?" We hear absolutely nothing Ali and Roberto tell Brad about the women. But based on whatever they said, Emily gets a rose. We are luckily saved from the man-on-man talk with Chris Harrison and skip to the rose ceremony. Who's cut? Melissa and Rachel, sparing the house the drama, and alleged-Rockette Keltie.

Sorry for the lack of photos, folks. Blame ABC.com!

Season Tracking
"I'm here for the right reasons": 3
"She's NOT here for the right reasons": 1
Helicopter date count: 0
Super Extreme Stunt date count: 0

Photo Credit: ABC.com, BuddyTV