February 15, 2011

Reality Rundown: Somewhere Coco from Fame is Having "Lose the Top" Flashbacks

2/15/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Brad and the harem head to the island of Anguilla for what will likely be a lot of making out in sand and a fair share of crying. There are 4 dates this week: 3 1-on-1 dates (no roses) and a "pretty incredible group date" that does have a rose.

Date card #1 is for Emily, citing her as one of 3 things Brad would bring on a deserted island along with a picnic lunch and champagne. I would've opted for an iPod or maybe soap to be practical, but that's just me. In flies a HELICOPTER!!!! A true happy Valentine's Day to me. Them to, but moreso to me. As @MamaXanax pointed out on Twitter, Brad takes Emily to a private island shaped like a penis, maybe to drop a big hint or something. So on Dick Island, the conversation seems awkward and silent because Brad gets shy around her and I still feel like she's just not that into him. She needs to let her guard down, but Brad lets her know he's into her and they kiss- finally. About time considering he's so hooked on her. They later share a romantic dinner (and an outfit change) where Emily is hesitant about letting some dude she has kissed once meet her daughter. She's like, "Oh yeah how do I get fake engaged to someone that hasn't met my kid?" and Brad's like "Yeah, well I want to" over and over. He "breaks the rules" and tells Emily she is 100% getting a rose and wants to go to her hometown. Then they make out while standing in the ocean, just like the director told them to do.

On date #2, Brad brings Shawntel to ride bikes around town and ogle the locals who play steel drums as they drink from coconuts. It's called Caribbean cliches for $200, Alex. They jumprop, play dominoes, and drinking wine with kids. Sorry, that's not a Montana from Real World: Boston reference, I mean baby goats! Adorable!! Shawntel lets Brad know she's falling in love with him. They eat dinner next to the water, talk, it starts raining, they kiss. I don't care much- they are dullsville together. Brad pretends he knows that some dude performing for them in the biggest performer in Anguilla, even the Caribbean, and they dance and bore me and make out in the ocean.

Date #3 is the final 1-on-1 and Brad takes Britt (who?) on her first non-group date. They get picked up on the shore by a yacht. The yacht drops anchor by some big-ass rocks which they jump off of, I guess hoping to make it onto an episode of Tosh.0 for slamming into a cliff. Britt is also really thin so seeing her in a bikini is nasty, sorry. Like every other girl on this shows besides some of the whorish ones, Britt is afraid to open up. Brad realizes that even in the most romantic setting he doesn't even want to sex her up one bit. The romantic spark doesn't ignite at dinner either so Brad dumps her as soon as Britt finishes dinner, which seems to be a common theme for him. Britt tries to argue her case for sticking around, that maybe a few more dates would help, but it's a no from Brad. He then throws Britt to the Caribbean sharks for a feast. Nah, she takes a chartered dingy back to land, walks back to the house, and then lets the girls know she got the heave ho.

Group date: Michelle, Chantal and Ashley throw on their itsy bitsy teeny weeny red macrame bikinis for a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot. Like these famewhores need any more ego boosting. In a moment right out of Fame, the girls are urged to take off their bikini tops; Chantal and Ashley comply (much like Coco did, as she wept for the skeezy man in the NYC apartment), Michelle doesn't and instead urges Brad to pose with her, where she then makes out with Brad, on top of him, in front of everyone. Poor Ashley is flat as a board while Chantal and Michelle are rocking what their doctor gave them. The moral of this story: if you are on a group date, you really need to be a whore to get the man's attention. Great story, huh?

Brad suddenly realizes making out with a woman literally in front of them was a skeezebag move. DUH. He pulls Ashley and Chantal aside and apologizes for his behavior, while the girls question why are they here. Brad's worried he and Michelle might be too alike, both being stubborn and defensive. Brad sends Chantal to yet another sobfest as he picks up the rose in front of her and Michelle and brings it to Ashley. Ashley and Brad slow-run to each other and she receives the rose. Since she cries again, Chantal gets more time to whine and complain that she doesn't want to get rejected and she doesn't get why she didn't get the rose. I'm sick of recapping her whiny bullshit.

Rose ceremony time and there are only 3 roses, since Ashley is already safe. We know Emily is definitely getting a rose so it's a battle between boring Shawntel, sobbing Chantal, and badass Michelle. Chris gets his weekly bro chat back, likely after hiring a hitman to kill Brad's therapist, and Brad insists there's no need for a cocktail party, his mind is made up. Brad hands out his roses to Emily, Shawntel and Chantal. Michelle is upset and doesn't want to talk to Brad; she just hops in the limo and peaces out. But hey, as an actress at least she gets exposure in Sports Illustrated in the form of guys J.O.'ing to a picture of her. That's what success is, right? I think I might have my notion of success mixed up. Michelle's final words are a sigh and laying down in the limo, probably from being so exhausted as the producer's bitch puppet of the season.

Season Tracking
"Here/not here for the right reasons": 6
Helicopter date count: 4
Super Extreme Stunt date count: 4