March 1, 2011

Reality Rundown: Been Safarian Since Before You Were Born

3/01/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Brad makes his way to South Africa via flight and tedious flashbacks and voiceovers of his relationship with each woman. He lists their pros and cons like "bangable" (my words, not his) and "cries to much" (three guesses who that is). Soon enough he arrives at the Lion Sands Resort (book a trip there now!), though it takes a few extra minutes due to elephants crossing.

Date #1: Brad, in his best Jeff Probst knock-off shirt, and Chantal put on safari hats for... a safari. Did you think they were going to an arcade or something? They find a pride of lions fast asleep, probably because they watched previous episodes of this season. It's exactly like Disney's Animal Kingdom except has stupider people making comments about animals and it's real Africa not a park. I hate because I am jealous- I'm an animal lover. They have a picnic while their guide starts guard with a rifle, the true sign of romance. A hippo watches their date, probably to make sure Chantal doesn't start crying. They skip to dinner and a wardrobe change to which I say thank god because Brad's safari look makes him look like a dorkapotamus. They discuss meeting his family, what comes with an engagement, and a Fantasy Suite! BONE ZONE TIME! Some suite: they are sleeping in a tree house outside. I hope there are s'mores, but I worry the lions will attack for their delicious marshmallowy goodness. They might have no cameras, but just know that hippo was watching them bone alllll night.

On date #2, Brad and Emily ride on an elephants, which I suppose beats helicopters, to a watering hole and get to watch elephants frolic with each other. They discuss what it would be like if little Ricki was there and I can easily say, there'd be less banging. Brad misses Ricki and Emily claims Ricki had a lot of fun, but wonders if Ricki would understand what it means if he hangs around a lot. I think it's moreso weird to know you're going to maybe have a new daddy after meeting him ONCE. Brad's down to be a dad though and loves the package deal (wonder if she likes his package deal-hey-o!) They later share a romantic dinner though Brad acts so awkward around Emily, so it's not very enjoyable to watch. Emily informs Brad's she's totally invested now, ready for it to be over, and to start her life with Brad or single. She is excited to perhaps have a family with him. Time to start making a family... in the Fantasy Suite! Emily wants to set a good example for her daughter, but also wants more time with Brad so good example be damned, let's head to the suite to talk. Brad's face lights up because I think he assumes talk means BJ. Emily tells Brad she's falling in love with him at the suite and he's surprised to hear this and he tells her he's starting to fall in love with her too. WOW. I didn't know the Bachelor was allowed to do that- rule breaking? Kind of a big deal. They seal this event with a hug and eventually a kiss.

Ashley and Brad ditch all this wilderness bullshit and go right for the good stuff: helicopter ride!!!! She still thinks carnivals are cooler because I guess she is afraid of helicopters. Bitch, you are on The Bachelor: helicopter rides are a given. Though I guess it might be less scary if they actually shut the helicopter door while flying high above the African savannah. It's an amazing view of mountains, lush grass and all the animals. The helicopter lands at a place called God's Window and my lord, it's gorgeous. It's like that place in Up they want to visit but for real and in Africa. Brad kind of worries that Ashley won't be able to live life to the fullest because she's into learning and dentistry, I guess. Brad wants to build a relationship with her, but their day date leads to more questions at yet another romantic dinner by a fire, though at least the food looks like a delicious African feast. Feed me! Brad points out they discuss their future as individuals but never as a couple, and Ashley knows she has spent all the time asking for reassurance. Brad can't wrap his head around anything regarding her dental career and it's sooo obvious where this is going (last train to Splitsville!) Seriously, this date is so painful to watch as they sort of bicker the entire meal, yet continue to eat; it's more painful that any of his dull dates with Emily. Despite this terrible date, they both still go to the Fantasy Suite for the awkwardest night ever which includes discussing mosquito nets instead of Brad getting the beej he wanted.

Chris Harrison dances on the grave of the therapist he murdered, then has his one-on-one bro session with Brad. Brad is very excited, though looks so damn bored, and says he is definitely falling in love. No shit, we already saw you say it. Judging by his comments and praise for Chantal and Emily, it's a no brainer that Ashley the dentist will be heading to the South African airport for a helicopter ride for one.

The ladies convene for a rose ceremony, but Brad comes and takes Ashley aside to give her the heave ho. Even in dumping Brad gets a 'tude about this mis-communication and not fitting into her life. She cries and lets Brad know what she felt was real but worries she was just trying to protect herself. Rip the band aid and get this over with. Ashley is led into what looks like a Hummer, an obvious ploy for more BJ jokes from me. Brad heads inside to return to Emily and Chantal but first gets a thinkin' moment on the balcony but doesn't pull a Mesnick. After a long commercial break to announce the "stars" for next season of Dancing with the Stars (Wendy Williams and her wig FTW), Brad as his rose ceremony and, duh, both girls accept. Next week: the Women Tell All AKA shit all over crazy Michelle.