April 15, 2011

Reality Rundown: Put On Your Feather Headdress- It's Double Tribal Council Time!

The Amazing Race: Unfinished BusinessThe Biggest Loser
Survivor: Redemption Island

The Amazing Race: Unfinished Business - The teams fly to Varanasi, India where everyone gets on a 10:45AM arrival flight, except the Cowboys who end up on an 11:45AM arrival because they just take what travel agents say at face value because travel agents never lie. Smaaaart! So as they wait at the airport, the other teams get into cabs in seriously the longest cab montage ever. The next clue is at long last found and it's a Roadblock to "find the meaning of life" and find six holy men to get clues, put those paper word clues together, and get their next clue. Apparently the meaning of life is "Once you're over the hill pick up speed." Kent promises Gary to stick with him til the end but ditches him. People never learn about karma in this race, especially in the land OF karma. Ron gets so lost, I mean he's nowhere near the crowded market for the task, that the Cowboys catch up and pass them.

The next clue sends them to sort sort of wrestling place to find the "strong man." The clue is a detour to either to make fuel patties out of buffalo manure and then set it on fire (Billy Madison style) or cross the Ganges, get a bale of hay, then drop it off at a milk farm. Finding out "fuel" was buffalo shit was priceless, making Jen and Kisha gag. Mallory is even wearing the same outfit as the last race when she was in a pile of crap. Stronger teams opt for the hay cause who honestly wants to make cow patties? No one really.

Ramnagar Fort is the next pit stop and the race is on between Zev/Justin and Flight Time/Big Easy for first place. Flight Time and Big Easy are team #1, after being last in the previous leg, and win a trip to Hawaii. Kent and Vyxsin get a shitty water taxi, so shitty that Vyxsin jumps into the Ganges to get out of the boat. They ditch the water taxi for a regular old land taxi, kicking some poor blurred face local out of the cab. Kent and Vyxsin check in as team #6, with Ron and Christina checking in last. They're eliminated from the race but if there's a buffet in sequester I'm sure Ron will be OK.

The Biggest Loser - Bob, Jillian and Cara are the only trainers left since Brett has no team. And the unemployment rate goes back up to 9%, am I right? But the sadness is short lived because these motherfuckers be going to Mordor!!! Ok, New Zealand AKA home of Lord of the Rings. The show spares no expense by making everyone take the flight in economy (coach), but the person who answers a trivia question gets to sit in "premium economy" which is a nice-ass seat, bigger TV, and whatever you want to eat. After some extremely unrealistic guesses of how high the Sky Tower is (11,000ft, Olivia? TWO MILES IN THE SKY?), Austin wins his nice premium seat when he guesses around 1,000ft. In case you were wondering, this was all just airline product placement and we know this show reigns supreme in product placement land.

The losers meet Alison at a scenic view in Auckland, New Zealand for some chit chat before sending them to the not 11,000ft Sky Tower. Cara awkwardly introduces them to the tower and suddenly has this accent to tell them to take the 1,027 steps up to the top with a "GET TA STEPPIN." At the top of the steps and the observatory at the top, Bob is waiting for them to inform them there's two ways to get back down: take the stairs again or some bungee drop thing, which Jillian demonstrates while whooshing past them to her unlikely death. Ok, she lives, but that'd be a better story for why she left the show. Moses and Rulon can't take the fun way down because they're still too fat, and Jay can't since he has a heart condition. Enjoy the stairs, gents. Ken is afraid of heights and doesn't want to do it. Bob, also afraid of heights, agrees to do it if Ken does; he accepts, much to Bob's chagrin who was hoping for an elevator down (No stairs? Et tu, Bob?) Face your fears and go for it. Bob does it, awkwardly moaning the whole way down, with Ken following with no moaning but an awkward "yeah, baby" in a soft voice. But his fear was faced so it's a big step for him.

After a boat ride/quasi-workout, the losers head to some open green for time with their trainers. As the other teams get into the groove, Cara feels like something is up. Ken has a problem: he wants more guidance on what he should be doing, especially since he has injuries. Cara's offended since she's been working with him since day one and last week he lost the most on his team. Ken feels like Bob and Jillian have more expertise than Cara since they've been doing the game forever. Cara, tearing up, tells him to jump ship, offended that she's put all this effort into his weight-loss and he doesn't seem to appreciate or acknowledge it. Kaylee and Austin work with Bob and Jillian, while Cara focuses on Ken by making him do a lot more and trying to yell more.

Decked out in a fedora and golf shirt on a cliff, Alison lets the losers know they're competing in a 5k with a twist: it's New Zealand style. They have to run down the beach, through creeks, up a sand dune- sounds... horrible! The catch is that they have to run this race as a team and stick together. The winning team gets a helicopter ride (!!!) to Waikiki Island (not in Hawaii) for a scenic lunch. The blue team (Moses, Olivia, Irene) come in first place and Moses thinks of his dad, whose family sent him to New Zealand from Tonga to get an education. This is tonight's sob story which is referenced at least 3 times. But Irene and Olivia give up their reward so Kaylee can go along with her dad and have the day together in a location so important to their family.

Night falls and the losers meet along the waterfront and glimmering Auckland skyline for their weigh-in. Now that the show is comparing before and now shots, the weight-loss is astonishing. The ladies are lookin' smokin' and the guys are all thin and still old and probably won't get uber hot. No eye candy for the ladies :( Travel is always a bitch of a week, definitely showing when top loser Moses doesn't lose any weight. Jay gains 2lbs, so he won't make excuses but Jillian isn't pleased since he's been floundering since getting a second chance at the game. Because Rulon forgot to put nachos into his carry-on, he loses 7lbs. The ladies rock is on-the-road, losing more weight than they expected in such a male-dominated game, oh except Kaylee who gains 4lbs. Must've gotten helicopter bloat. Lucky for her, Ken and Austin drop big numbers to save her ass, making Cara feel happy.

The blue team loses the weigh-in, with Irene immune from the voting since she was the biggest loser on the team. It's between Olivia and Moses and considering they've spent the whole episode hyping Moses family history and sad story, I knew from the first voiceover he'd be out. Olivia and Moses give speeches to the losers and Moses admits his time is up, especially knowing Olivia has goals of starting a family. The losers respect his wishes and vote Moses off the game, leaving his daughter Haylee to fend for herself but knows she can do it solo. Post-cast-off, Moses returns to New Zealand with his dad, visits the school his dad went to, and more importantly, bungee jumps off the Auckland bridge.

Survivor: Redemption Island - Matt heads back to his second home at Redemption Island, full of shame and SERVING. But him and his main man G-O-D converse and Matt believes what's meant to be will be or something like that. Meanwhile, Murlonio is stunned at Rob's play, comparing it to a mob movie hit. Mike even tells Rob to his face it was a brilliant move. It's painfully obvious Ometepe's bond isn't breaking, but a few people make some efforts. Rob encourages a buddy system to make sure Zapatera doesn't break them down. Natalie lets Rob know immediately that Ralph approached Ashley to promise a vote to her in the end, so Rob decides she's on his shit list to.

Phillip shows up at the immunity challenge rocking a headdress made of a single feather which fell from the sky. The man is pure gold. The challenge is sort of a tiered elimination with tile breaking, submerging heads into water and spitting, and of course a puzzle because every challenge has to have a goddamn puzzles. Balls last week, swallow and spit this week? These challenge makers are pervs. Grant, Mike, David are the final 3 to take on the puzzle, a mini pyramid, and it's Grant and those dreadlocks that gets the immunity necklace. The immunity idol is still not as sassy as Phillip's headdress.

Back at camp, Zapatera's heads are down because their 5 will be broken up unless a Hail Mary happens, which means searching like crazy for a hidden immunity idol. Ometepe sees them digging by the flag, so they race back only to have Zapatera claim they were digging for rocks. Phillip calls them "all you can eat rocks" which is yet another gem for a crazy. Rob's paranoia sets in that maybe there is another idol out there. Ometepe has to make a gambling vote, factoring in potential immunity idols, who can beat Matt at Redemption Island, and overall gameplay.

Tribal Council contains more Phillip gold (his Cherokee Indian uncle anecdote) and Zapatera implicates Phillip at being low man on the totem pole. Phillip doesn't care- he likes being on the bottom. God this is a sexy Survivor season. Ralph mentions maybe tomorrow he'll get a feather, angering Phillip who will not share feather headdress glory. Phillip (PHILITE, if you're Ralph) receives 5 votes, but it's not enough for the power voting of Ometepe's 6 and they eliminate Mike AKA my pick to win. Nooooo! But wait, this is the shortest episode ever- Tribal Council at the 28 minute mark? Oh we're not over friends, someone else is getting eliminated tonight.

After Tribal Council, Rob sees Phillip's undying loyalty to him and plans to reward that loyalty. Afterall, who would vote for such a crazy dude in the finale? No one. Rob wants to take Natalie and Phillip to final 2. Ralph is ready to make moves and approach Ometepe, but David encourages him to only approach one member rather than the entire tribe. They choose to approach Phillip and Andrea, who aren't interested and instead feel intruded upon.

The immunity challenge also offers the chance for a cheeseburger feast (even though I see no cheese on them): compete or eat. Hang on some monkey bars over the infamous Fabio pee pool for a long time. Obviously, Zapatera is going to play because if not, they're definitely out of the game. So Phillip and Steve decide to eat. Seriously Steve? GTFO you idiot. Once they have to hang upside on the bars, the blood starts flowing to the brain and folks start dropping. David lasts the longest for Zapatera, but falls so it's between the Omepete ladies (Natalie, Andrea, Ashley). They agree to give Ashley and her jelly legs immunity. The twist is that the next person voted off will face off against Matt and Mike at Redemption Island. Threesome!

Another kick in the balls for Zapatera, but at least Ralph found tons of fish in their net. Dead fish. Zapatera will still eat it, but Ometepe will not indulge per Rob's instructions/dictatorship/cult-leadership. Grant doesn't take orders from Rob and has some fish. Rob is wavering between voting off strategic David or dying dinosaur Steve.

Yet another Tribal Council of Phillip's insanity, explaining his Stealth 'R Us alliance, where he is the specialist, Rob the mentalist, Grant the assassin (the destroyer of aspirations), and the ladies are the 3 degrees. As my roommate so astutely pointed out, it sounds like a Wu Tang song. Julie points out how Rob makes every decision for them- it's more like a cult than an alliance. During voting, David writes Rob's name down 4 times on his parchment, hoping it could save them- pretty funny. Zapatera votes for Rob to leave the game, but obviously it's Ometepe's votes that matter: they send David to Redemption Island for a threesome with Matt and Mike to stay in the game.

Photo Credits: CBS.com, NBC.com

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