April 22, 2011

Reality Rundown: White Rice is Racist

The Amazing Race: Unfinished BusinessThe Biggest Loser
Survivor: Redemption Island

The Amazing Race - The teams head to Vienna, Austria to drive some product placement Fords. Because if there's any place to drive a Ford Focus, it's Austria. A lot of time focuses on the travel agents, where everyone's flight arrive at 5:35AM, except the Cowboys who arrive at 6:00AM. Inside the Ford Focus is a more egregious product placement, including the video screen, back-up camera, etc. Dear god, it's worse than the Snapple. The backup cam reveals their clue, spelt as they drive, which is some long word castle that I'm not in the mood to type. In a goal to make a tired me more sleepy, more time is spent showing the teams buying maps and asking for directions. Snooze!

Zev and Justin are first to arrive to the castle, which sends them to a library via a chick in a wizard's costume or something. In the library, the teams encounter a detour of either carrying a couch from the Sigmund Freud museum to a school he studied at or eat two local means and eat on a dining cart within a 12 minute ferris wheel rotation. I love food, but that spinning would give me the pukes, but I would definitely house that chocolate cake. The quantity of the food is more of a speed bump than the time element. Once Jen and Kisha realize if you fail you have to eat it all again, they peace out for the couches. The others all follow suit after one try.

Teams then drive to Salzburg where their next clue will be at a restaurant. If I see more binge eating, I might hurl. Other things making me hurl: Kent and Vyxsin fighting through another leg. Thankfully, the clue isn't about food, rather it's a Road Block to chimney sweep. Well hellooooo Bert Hoover! Flight Time and Big Easy maintain their lead at the Road Block and head to the Villa Trapp, which was home of the real life Von Trapp family!!! I am dying. I almost said this leg of the race was severely lacking in Von Trapps, but this changed that statement. This is the pit stop, but the Globetrotters get lost, allowing Zev and Justin to sneak into team #1 status and they win Ford Focuses. Gary and Mallory are the last team to check in, but it's yet another non-elimination so they survive another week with merely a lame speed bump ahead.

The Biggest Loser - The losers head to Queenstown AKA Mordor (or just Lord of the Rings but whaevs). No 11,000ft skyscrapers here. Jillian is there to inform the losers teams are over and it's time for singles. Help is coming from all angles, including the sky, which contains a parachuting Brett. I'd like to think he wasn't invited back and instead stalked his way there and is literally crashing down on them to steal his job. He may have taken speed, or at least about 6 extra Dramamine pills, talking a mile a minute in unfinished catchphrases.

Cara takes Hannah and Kaylee cliff jumping because an "11,000ft" skyscraper wasn't enough. I don't know if the mic is distorted, by Cara sounds like she's being sent to the slaughter. The fun is short-edited-in because it's time for workouts AKA when I fast forward because c'mon, 2 hours. I gots 16 and Pregnant to watch. There's also some trainer/loser talks that are pseudo-therapy sessions, obviously leading into the fact that Kaylee and Hannah are probably near the end of the road.

The losers meet Alison again, who's at the top of a bridge with, surprise surprise, a bungee cord strapped to her ankles. This show is single-handedly keeping the bungee industry in New Zealand alive. Sort of like The Bachelor franchise and helicopters. Oh phew, no more bungee: "riverboard" down some rapid river. The winner gets an adventure to Milford Sound via helicopter!! Oh and immunity, but BFD when a helicopter ride is at stake. Alison does in fact bungee with the most beautiful swan dive down. Apparently a riverboard is a kick board, like what you give a 5 year old at the Y. The river is a total bitch, sending them left and right and through rapids. No one cracks a skull. 11,000ft Olivia wins the challenge and takes her sister Hannah onto the helicopter (!!) to that stupid world wonder. More helicopter, please!! They see glaciers, waterfalls, mountains- it's beautiful. I'd go there for sure. I am also pretty sure they stop and chat at the river where Gollum catches fish for Frodo and Sam. Jealz!

After eating some Subway, because they traveled to the other side of the world for $5 footlongs, Brett takes Jay and Austin rock climbing on a mountain with some sweet goats. They get to the top and high five, bro style. Bob, Rulon, and Irene meet at the bridge Alison bungee jumped off of and they too will bungee there. Cha-ching, says the New Zealand bungee industry. Sorry Hannah and Ken, no stunts for you. Probably because Ken is boring and I forgot he was still on this show.

The weigh-in happens outside under the bright sunshine, a change of pace from the dark gloomy night votes. Everyone hopes to stay safe this week especially because makeovers have got to be soon and if they're not, my mom is going to be really annoyed. Ken and Hannah fall below the yellow line when Kaylee shocks the world by losing 5lbs. Ken is eliminated from the game because even if a tie was forced, he'd still go home for lowest weight loss.

Survivor: Redemption Island - The Zapatera three know they're screwed and while annoyed by Phil, there's slight admiration that such a nut is lasting in the game. Heaven's Gate, I mean Ometepe, turning on that nut is Zapatera's only hope of 3 more days. Phillip the nut? Rocking his headdress, meditating on a cliff in the ocean, making Buddist noises that sound like a great impression of a didgeridoo. Phillip has also became the Rice Nazi after noticing Julie overindulging in their food. He starts hoarding and hiding rice from Zapatera.

Matt and Mike are surprised when Dave arrives at Redemption Island because this duel became a threesome, which I am calling a truel (but I guess they thought of that too- damn, I thought I invented it). The are brought to the arena for their challenge: stacking a deck of "cards" into a tower (they're clearly wood blocks). The first two to reach 8ft stay alive in the game, the loser becomes the first jury member. Mike is the first to the top, but has trouble with his little itty last piece; he succeeds and wins. Matt is the next to complete the challenge, meaning David is the first member of this season's jury.

The rice war continues at camp, as Ometepe decides to eat as much rice as they can so Zapatera can't have any. The rice is full of maggots, so they clean the maggots out and still eat it- logically. Gross. There's accusations of rice sabotage, not sharing, and tribal rivalry. Sleep and food deprived people argue about the stupidest shit. Lisa from Top Chef might not be the biggest sore loser in a rice argument anymore. At some point, Phillip turns it into a race issue after Steve calls Phillip crazy- I'm so confused. Someone give him an eagle weather to chill out. Phillip brings out the n-word and I mean, it's chaos. Steve lets it be known Zapatera's votes will definitely be for Phillip come tomorrow. Did I forget to mention Phillip has tucked his buff into the front of his tightie reddies to make a cod piece?

The immunity challenge this week is, of course, a puzzle in the form of two rounds puzzle wheels. ENOUGH DAMN PUZZLES. Rob finishes the puzzle seconds before Steve, so Rob gets immunity and Ometepe reigns the dominant force. Steve knows their only shot is to convince 2 Ometepes to turn on crazy Phillip.

Murlonio returns to camp to hate-eat their rice. Julie then wins most-awesomesomest-woman ever by hiding Phillip's swim trunks in the dirt; tightie reddies forever! Phillip threatens Zapatera to get his trunks back or he'll go off, and by off I mean, rock his Survivor buff codpiece and feather headdress.

Tribal Council includes more Phillip tantrums. Jeff asks questions sort of like when Howard Stern talks to one of the Wack Pack morons, baiting Phillip into the crazy answers. It's wonderful. Phillip thinks when Steve calls him "crazy" he instead means the n-word. Toooootally logical... Phillip then asks if Jeff knows what it's like to be a woman, to be black, and tells an anecdote. Dear god, make it stop. It's just so uncomfortable to watch. Get out the parchment, let's see Ralph's terrible spelling, and vote someone out. Jeff steps in to really mediate and explain that there was an argument, both are telling the truth, and maybe it's being misconstrued. Oh and Julie admits she stole and hid the swim trunks. Therapy is over, just fucking vote. Julie is voted off, meaning Phillip will be hunting for those things harder than a hidden immunity idol.

Photo Credits: CBS.com, NBC.com