May 26, 2011

Reality Rundown: It Ain't Over Til the No Longer Fat Lady Sings

5/26/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Finale! The Biggest LoserIt's Baaack! The Voice

Finale! The Biggest Loser - Oh thank god, the longest season in Biggest Loser history is finally ending. And that's not hyperbole; Alison Sweeney confirmed it (and she's lookin' smokin' in coral for the finale). Before the verdict of who makes the final 3, Jay or Irene, they come out on stage all skinny and shit to walk next to the creepy hologram of them as a fatso. Jay got a tattoo on himself, branding this journey into him forever. He cites Bob and Jillian with this quote, which must be a real kick in the balls to his trainer Cara. Irene comes out in what I'll say is Avril Lavigne's prom dress and is of course thin but her boobs are super weird in the dress. In not-surprising-at-all news, America votes Irene into the final 3, giving the show its first ever all-female final 3.

Alison brings out of the 4 trainers, which is bittersweet because this is Jillian's last episode of the show. Bob conquered his fear of heights, while Brett used this experience to pay it forward as a fat teen and now slim adult. Jillian receives a standing ovation and is ready to begin a new chapter to reach the next level. Generic catchphase overload. Cara gets asked NOTHING. Total burn. But more importantly, a new trainer is entering the mix and they're a "superstar." Michael Bolton?!

The losers are then brought out in their groups to show off the skinnier versions of themselves. Obviously, everyone looks great but I'm going to mention the surprising ones. Irene's mom Ana was the shocker for me, losing 109 lbs. Honestly, when she left I thought she kind of didn't give a shit so she proved me wrong. My girl Courtney lost 110 lbs during this experience, but we should point out she lost 100 lbs before coming onto the show. That's amazing, but the show doesn't acknowledge that. More surprising, Dan and Don, the quitter twins, who are pretty freaking thin. Didn't we all expect those dudes with 'tudes to be the same size? Dan lost 124 lbs and Don 130 lbs. Plus, Don's son decided that since he dad wasn't a tub of lard he could un-disown him. Ken comes very come to being a contender for the prize, but is 4 lbs short. Austin steals the at-home prize lead with an astonishing 174 lb loss, bumping Dan out of the top spot (which would've been a complete shock if that random quitter won the at-home prize). But it's not over.

The losers keep coming out and some chick named Deni that I seriously cannot remember comes out super skinny. Like wowzer, she's thin and knocks Austin out of the lead spot. Arthur is still big, but he's lost quite a lot considering he was once 650 lbs (163 lbs lost). Arthur's dad Jesse is so excited about Arthur that spit flies from his mouth. When Justin, partner to late night nacho lover Rulon, came out, I honestly didn't recognize him. Glad he ditched the nasty facial hair. Jay is the final person to weigh in and has to lose 195 lbs to dethrone random Deni from winning the at-home prize. Jay loses 181 lbs meaning Deni, aka WHO?, wins the $100,000 at home prize.

We've seen Irene, so Hannah and Olivia are brought up. Hannah's sexy red dress keeps riding up and her blond hair is looking better. Olivia is by far the best looking some there. She's super skinny, her dress is adorable, and the short hair really suits her. A finale of sexy ladies.

Speaking of sexy ladies, sexy lady and mediocre professional tennis play Anna Kournikova is named the newest trainer on The Biggest Loser. Can you imagine her pushing people to their limits? Me neither. I hate to repeat myself but I've said for weeks now the show would be smart to bring back former contestants that kept the weight off and have them be the trainers. Not only do they understand fitness, but they understand the process of the show and the lifestyle of being obese.

Time for the final weigh-in to determine the winner. In pre-weigh-in/time filling montages, we find out Hannah was actually pretty hilarious but the show decided to never show this until the end. Hannah started the show at 248 lbs and ends at 128 lbs (120 lbs, or 48.39%, lost). Irene is next on the scale: her starting weight 255 lbs. Irene ends the show at 139 lbs (a 116 lb/45.49% loss). Last on the scale is Hannah's sister Olivia, so it Sister Sister time. Olivia began The Biggest Loser weighing 261 lbs and ends the journey at... 132 lbs (129 lbs lost). Olivia, an opera singer, is overjoyed and I am quite happy. Not only does she deserve it, but her husband lost all the weight alone while she was on the ranch. They both deserve to be commended for their hard work. And finally I get a 3 month rest from this show. PHEW.

It's Baaaack! The Voice - I'm covering it again because I hate lonely posts that aren't super long. And I kind of like covering it.

Christina's team is first and her battle pairing is Raquel Castro and Julie Eason, singing Rihanna's "Only Girl in the World." I call that song "Only Song in the World" because it's on the radio all the freakin' time. Raquel, it turns out, was in the movie Jersey Girl with Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, so try not to hold that against her. I don't care for either girl in the performance. I think there are major pitch problems throughout, poor mic skills, and shouting. For pure marketability, I'd pick Racquel. Cee-Lo calls it wonderful, so I wonder if he's deaf. Christina likes how Raquel dances and body rolls, but also likes Julia's ad-lib riffs. Christina selects Raquel to advance to the next round, the live shows.

Blake's battle is "more than entertaining" to him: Dia Frampton vs. Sarah V. The song is "You Can't Hurry Love" by the Supremes so either Blake doesn't own an album past 1967 or he's a huge fan of the movie Bye Bye Love. The good news is the girls harmonize really well on the song, even if their styles are totally different. Dia is a little more timid but a lot is based on stage fright. Dia's voice is interesting and different. Sarah V is dressed like a doofus with some flowy shirt and skirt, like a 1992 Chadwick's catalog look. She is singing like it's church, which is not praise. She is wailing and trilling and it sucks. Dia better win this. Reba prefers Dia staying calm and not getting all "rangey." Blake thinks Dia looked uncomfortable and Sarah doesn't have to hit all the notes just cause she can: he chooses Dia. YAY! I am excellent at picking winners on this show.

Adam Levine's battle pair is Rebecca Loebe and Devon Barley and they are singing Radiohead?? Radiohead signed off on this?? Devon is so out of his comfort zone (and looks like that Chicken Little guy from American Idol). In the battle, Devon kind of sings the intro to the song like standards. He really starts to get into the song, though, and improves along the way. Rebecca just has some extra passion going into the song. I hate Evanescence, but her voice reminds me of that chick. This is the toughest choice yet for me but I think I am leaning towards Rebecca. Adam is torn as to who should be his victor, but ultimately chooses Devon. Ahhh strike 1 for me.

Cee-Lo's team is all that matters to me because the preview showed Tori and Taylor Thompson, who made the final group on American Juniors are singing. Team Tori and Taylor forever! One Step Closer to Heaven!! So sisters Tori and Taylor are battling Kelsey Rey to the tune of "Unwritten." Kelsey is so glad this show gave her a chance to prove her voice and not just be based on a pretty face, since attractive people like her have such a hard time making it in showbiz. In rehearsal, the sisters struggle a bit and hit some bum notes. Battle time! It's such a cute trio; they harmonize well and have cute coordinating dance moves. I'm so routing for my American Juniors for nostalgia sake, but I think Cee-Lo will choose Kelsey. Cee-Lo takes off his shades to rub his kind of teary eyes and makes his choice: The Thompson Sisters! UPSET OF THE CENTURY!! Ok, episode.

So You Think You Can Dance (because covering auditions pre-Hollywood week is kind of lame recaps)

Photo credits:,