June 7, 2011

The Bachelorette: Roasted and Dumped in 2 Days

The Bachelorette - Week 3

Ben C. heads on the "love strikes in a flash date." Remember last week when Ben said, oh take me on a date where I can dance? Well this is it, a flash mob date. What a coincidence, huh?! No. Ashley brings Ben to a dance studio to secretly teach him what the flash mob will involve. I don't see why it involves white jeans after Labor Day, but apparently it does. Ashley and Ben have a picnic alone in the middle of a mall, onlookers gawking at them. Ashely suggests they just start doing their dance right then and there and he goes along with it cause he's on TV and you shouldn't reject her. Just as they get their groove, the music kicks on and the mall walkers begin to jump in and the flash mob begins. For a guy dying for a dancing date, you'd think Ben might actually be good at this, cause he stinks. They are then serenaded live by Far East Movement, the band who sings the flash mob song. Another damn concert? Upon insistence from the crowd, Ben and Ashley have a little kiss. Ben and Ashley share dinners and their hopes and dreams or whatever. Ben likes her and in the real world would want to text her for a second date with emoticons. Cheesy, but I sort of like Ben. Ashley gives him a rose and some small smooches.

Ashley comes to pick the guys up for her group date, but first, masked Jeff pulls Ashley aside to reveal his face. Jeff says he has feelings for Ashley and with some editing of a hawk and squirrel, Jeff removes the mask. Lucky for Ashley, he isn't a deformed opera singer carnival freakshow. Jeff isn't a freakshow but he's also not super hot. The group date is a Bachelorette roast at The Comedy Store (is Pauly Shore lurking in the shadows there?) No, but roastmaster extraordinaire Jeffrey Ross is there to give the guys some pointers. Jeffrey Ross says they have to roast Ashley, and she can handle it. This is not going to end well. Some guys wisely choose to really rip into the guys and throw a few minor barbs Ashley's way. William has dreamt of being a comedian and decides his best move is to completely shit all over Ashley because this will be his gateway to being Jeffrey Ross' BFF and next Comedy Central roaster.

A lot of the guys avoid Ashley jokes, period. Some guys avoid jokes period, but a couple are funny. No surprise, masked Jeff is the butt of many jokes. Jeff makes jokes about Ashley's flat chest right off the bat. This leads into a lot of Ashley is flat jokes. Blake has the cleverest routine ripping into the guys into a smart way. William can't believe no one has the balls to really rip into a woman they are trying to woo, so he is going to do it: he will be the "funniest guy ever." He says, "I thought I signed up for Emily or Chantal and then Ashley's here" and the room gets quiet. Ashley is clearly uncomfortable because she has felt all the guys would've preferred her. Bentley says in his interviews that at least he doesn't say it to her face; kinda true. Someone in the audience says "no rose for you" and suddenly William realizes he's in the shitter. Ashley leaves the stage in tears, but William still seems to think the roast part was the most important angle. Bentley sees her vulnerable and crying and decides to take advantage of her and make his way to another rose ceremony. Bentley's presence makes Ashley feel comfortable and at ease; she feels like he's here for the right reasons. Ut oh. Bentley assures Ashley that of the 25 guys that were there, 24 were interested her in. Douchebag city.

The after-party is a total downer. The guys know that William's poor sense of humor really hurt Ashley. She comes out, teary, and tells the guys she was really insecure about taking the role of The Bachelorette, thinking people wouldn't want her. William pulls Ashley aside to talk about it and tries to explain he just wants to make people laugh, not care about feelings. William knows he can't undo what was done and encourages Ashley to go get cheered up by the other guys. William just wants to leave the show. Ashley now is insecure that no guys really want her there. I'm all for an awesome ribbing, but I probably wouldn't verbally shit all over someone I was trying to date.

Ryan takes Ashley aside and lets her know she is who he wanted here and lots of guys wanted her and they're happy. They kiss in joy. Later, Ashley wants to wind down with Bentley and she tells Bentley about the pre-show contact that he wasn't here for the right reasons. Michelle from last season's Bachelor had texted Ashley says Bentley was just there to promote his business for a couple weeks and then quit (which his business, BTW is a family fun center so, uh, FAIL). Ashley said she wanted to give him a chance, feels something for him, and worries he might hurt her. Ashley also said if Bentley chose to leave it would be more heartbreaking than anything that happened last season. Doooooouche. Ashley gives the group date rose to Ryan. Bentley decides that since he didn't get the date rose, he'll quit now.

At "Ashley's house", Ashley slowly walks and ponders if the guys are there for her but most importantly, she's fallen in love with Bentley. In three weeks. She wants to take him and head to Salt Lake City now. Conversely, Bentley's ready to peace out cause he's not interested. Bentley uses his daughter as an excuse with the guys, but it's really cause (as we know) he's just not that into her. Bentley is just so proud he played everyone, something never done before on this show. Yeah cause it's not fucking Survivor. With his suitcases packed and that boner from wanting Emily to be The Bachelorette still in his pants, Bentley is taken to Ashley's house to crush her soul.

Ashley is surprised, but pleased, to see Bentley. She's a little worried something is wrong. Bentley tells Ashley his misses his daughter and is going to leave and won't be coming back. Ashley understands the circumstances, but is tearing up. She doesn't want to be selfish, but Bentley has her heart, but he has his daughters. Ugh, this would be sweet to recap if it wasn't total horseshit. I really hope this is just a masterful editing job for Bentley's sake. Well, it doesn't matter much cause the damage is done. Ashley cries, Bentley holds her, he complains about how much she cries and that it's annoying. He decides to kiss her neck "to turn her on a little bit." He again informs us things would've turned out differently if The Bachelorette was Emily. Ugh, he's a skeeze. Hope it was worth selling your soul for 15 minutes of fame. The shithead finally leaves and Ashley climbs into bed and sobs. A lot. Ashley thought Bentley was the one.

Ashley sits sadly by the fireplace, fearing this process isn't going to work for her. Ashley worries she won't have time to heal her broken heart. Well suck it up girl cause your 1-on-1 date with JP is happening in mere moments.

JP arrives at Ashley's house with flowers but his hot presence brings a smile to her face (and mine). JP is understanding of her feelings after the overdramatic roast and the Bentley exit, but wants to help put it aside and have a good date together. Ashley and JP have dinner by the fire and talk about relationships. Ashley and JP bust out sweatpants and lay-around clothes, pound some grape, and talk more. JP encourages Ashley to not be defeated because he's there for her. It's a nice date and what she needed after the shitshow of a week. She promises they'll have a fun next date and gives him a rose (and a kiss- aww). Ashley is smitten by the irresistible kisses of JP.

Ashley, rocking a dress with so much crystals it's obscene, looks at her framed picture of Bentley in the thinking room and cries some more. Her and Chris Harrison has a little therapy session and he says it's such a guy thing for Bentley to try and leave their status open-ended. Chris said if he wanted to be there he would've stayed "and moved heaven and earth" to be there. Ashley said Bentley took her heart when he left. They opt to skill the cocktail party and go right into the rose ceremony. NO BOOZE?! Quick and easy, Ashley eliminates unmasked Jeff and Chris (aka uh, who?). William the worst roaster ever gets a rose, so I guess their solo date helped his cause. Jeff dramatically burns his mask as he leaves.

Next week: Get your ping pong balls out- they're going to Thailand!

Photo Credit: ABC.com