July 31, 2011

Reality Rundown: The MelGotServed Pre-Show Winner Prediction Week 3 Curse Lives!!

7/31/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , 1 comment
Big Brother 13 - Week 3

The house is being run by Rachel again- ugh. The house pretends to be happy but it's toast for another newbie pair. Dominic hopes his friendship with Dani pays off, but Brendon feels like the obvious choice for nomination is Adam and Dominic. Jeff feels like since Rachel/Brendon bossed around Jordan last week they should have a say in it. Later, when Rachel's HOH room is revealed she is pelted by pillows from all her HGs. I wish they were stones. Slightly later, Adam heads up to kiss Rachel's ass and try to save himself by suggesting Kalia and Lawon have done jack shit (true). Lawon, rocking orange Crocs and striped socks as every fashionista does, also kisses some ass and pretends he's actually done stuff and deserves to stay in the game.

Gone is Have/Have Nots this week and in is a Luxury Competition for everybody to play (including the Golden Key floaters). Some random dude comes out but won't reveal his name. You see this random dude has the same name as a celebrity, so there will be clues that will to identify this alleged celebrity. The first clue are bars of soap and some opera glasses or binoculars. Jordan puts it together and guesses David Hasselhoff. The other guesses include Michael C. Hall (Dexter), Michael Jackson (he's dead Porsche, you dumbfuck), John Stamos, etc. Basically everyone just names names as clues come in like a microphone, a knight with a lifesaving can, and eventually Kitt from Knightrider with David Hasselhoff exiting the vehicle. I hope they didn't let Hasselhoff drive that car- boozer. After giving David a tour of the house, he reveals Jordan is the winner of the luxury competition. She gets a private party to eat, drink and watch a preview of the new CBS show Same Name. Gag! Jordan gets to bring along 3 people so chooses Jeff, Shelly, and Kalia. Cue Rachel the HOH to be flabbergasted that Jordan had the gall to not choose her. I smell another tantrum!

Jordan and her crew head up to HOH to dine on sushi with the Hoff and then pretend to enjoy Same Name. Hoff pretends he gives a shit because that's what he does since he's a sellout. Jordan knows that Rachel is probably pitching a fit downstairs. Meanwhile, Rachel throws on some crocodile tears and a tantrum about helping Porsche, wanting to get sushi, fighting a lot with Brendon. Brendon's even like "I'll quit this game right now!" which is the equivalent of "I'll turn this car around right now!" Brendon wants to win and says he only came into this house cause Rachel wanted the money. They are terrible. Goddamn, I can't take these 2 for the rest of the summer. I'd rather watch Same Name than this bullsheeeit.

Once the sobfest stops, Dominic joins Brenchel in the lounge to propose aligning with them because they'd always be bigger targets than him. Brendon explains this target business as well and points out Jeff isn't a huge target since he doesn't win anything. Rachel whines more about Jeff and Jordan and Dominic gives his word on a deal. Dominic relays this immediately to Dani, who really wants Dominic to eventually nominate Jeff and Jordan. Dani heads up to HOH and works a little couple vs. couple dissension, wondering which couple would flip first. Dani thinks it would be smart to get Jeff out of the game this week, but Brendon worries about ruining their game too early. Jeff joins the HOH crew to do damage control for the luxury comp, where Brendon and Rachel pretend they didn't spend the afternoon crying about their loss.

When it comes to nominations, Rachel doesn't seem to grasp the way to get one player in her alliance another partner. Rachel nominates Dominic and Adam for eviction. Wait, this is week 3? Does the curse remain? I thought I dodged it by 3rd eliminee but it looks like it is the actual week that may be truly cursed.

Dom hopes he's a pawn in all of this but Daniele hopes that not only can Dom be saved, but maybe she can convince Rachel to make a huge power move. Adam and Dom wonder if the plan is to backdoor someone else like Lawon and Kalia. Rachel offers to make a deal and Dom is like "Yo bitch, remember the deal to keep me safe?"

Dom hopes Dani can protect him, as they flirt all the time. Jeff and Jordan don't like the bond they're forming and wonder if getting rid of Dominic is the better move. Dani tells Rachel (with creeper Brendon watching) that the house would love if she made the ballsy move to nominate Jeff and Jordan. Rachel and Brendon ponder what moves to take in a repulsive bubble bath together. If they were to backdoor Jeff and Jordan, it's Jeff they'd have to worry about but is it wrong to turn on an alliance so early? Playing his cards hopefully right, Dom tells Rachel he trusts Brendon and Rachel 100% and is down for a deal to team with Dani and them. Brenchel of course want Dom to throw the veto, so he says he will. This is a brilliant edit to make it seem like Brenchel wanted to backdoor Jeff/Jordan as opposed the shitshow that really went on. The other vets are totally onto Daniele and she's in big trouble.

No one dares check the ping pong balls in the veto bag, so it's obvious that along with Rachel/Brendon and Dominic/Adam, Jeff and Jordan get drawn to play the veto. Of fucking course. The backyard has a giant paper mache lady in a bathtub with big ol' leg hair stubbe, which freaks out "keep it smooth" Jeff. Anyways, each hair contains a letter and they have 10 minutes to gather letters and spell the longest word. TECHNOTRONICS FTW!! Everyone is working hard except Dominic who I guess really is throwing the veto by plucking letters and just tossing wherever, but decides he kinda has to attempt to spell to make it look like he didn't completely throw it. Dominic's word is "STANDINGS" and they're like, that's a long fucking word for someone throwing a comp. Rachel attempts to spell "MOISTURIZING" but spells it wrong, which is no surprise. Adam takes the leads with "FRACTIONS" by buzzing in before Dom, then Jeff gets the lead with "EXPRESSES" and the early buzz. However, Brendon the dickhead-being-edited-as-a-good guy wins the Power of Veto with the word "UNDERSTANDING."

Now that Brenchel have all the power in the game, they can re-evaluate the nominations. Rachel asks Dani her thoughts on nominating Lawon and Kalia, but Dani thinks the powerplay for Jeff is a better and bigger move. Dani is just sooooo frustrated that Rachel still won't trust Dominic. Dom watches out for himself and tries to campaign for votes early. He tells Shelly that some day it would be good to get rid of Jeff, and since Shelly trusts Jeff and Jordan she's ready to tattle immediately. Shelly tells Jordan, who runs up to the HOH room with Shelly in toe to confront Brenchel about what Dominic told Shelly (partner up, take out the vets). Brendon tells Jeff what's crappening and how insistent Dani has been to nominate Jeff. The vets are pissed that Dani is forming another alliance to take them out so the plan is formed: take out her ally Dominic to punish her.

With the veto in hand, and anger in that shaved head of his, Brendon chooses to not use the veto and leave nominations the same. SHIT. I thought I escaped the curse because I was like "Oh, third eliminee" but it is week 3 people and I think the Mel Got Served pre-show winner prediction for Big Brother shall come true again.

On the Thursday results show, Julie rocks a gray suit with a sleeveless blazer because hey, it's summer? Or she has no style. You decide. Julie announces "double trouble is done and no one is safe." Thank god these stupid pairs are ending. Once either Adam or Dominic are eliminated from the game, there's 10 players and individual gameplay begins (and the Golden Key holders can play again) though does it really matter when there are 4 vets tightly aligned?

Dani is pissed that Brenchel didn't save Dominic and if he goes home, she's alone and they wanted her to be a pair with him. Dani and Brendon get into it and she's tired of him treating people like shit. Meanwhile, Kalia lies to Jordan about knowing about the plan to backdoor Jeff, mainly because Jeff and Jordan decided to not talk to her for days. Jeff wants Dominic to admit he was wrong and point the finger at who wanted him out. Dominic tries to do some damage control since Dani totally fucked his game. Jeff compares Dominic's siding with Dani and keeping quiet to being an accomplice to murder- a logical comparison, of course. The winner of the "trying to hard to be funny and clever but not at all" award of the night goes to Brendon who refers to Daniele as "The Venus Fly Donato." You suck, Brendon. King Jeff thinks there should be a house meeting to call people out.

More drama: Brendon, who is sooo much smarter than everyone, gets pissed at Kalia and calls her an "all-time floater." She won't take his smarmy shit, so yells back. This leads into the house meeting/fight club. The vets cut their ties with Kalia after she was down with the backdoor Jeff plan and relayed information to the other side. Rachel, Jordan, etc. imply that Dani is a shitty friend, so then Dani finally speaks up. She calls Rachel an idiot, which Brendon gets all pissy about. Daniele confesses for coming up with the plan and explains it wasn't personal, he was just her biggest threat. Dani doesn't like those vets acting like they own the house and Jeff doesn't want to watch these idiots on TV all summer. Neither do we!

In the goodbye speech, Dominic says some people are spineless jellyfish and need to start playing or they are just handing the game to other people. Dominic said if someone had a spine to actually play the game he would've had a better summer. SERVED! The live votes are cast 7-1 to evict Dominic. The Mel Got Served winner prediction curse lives on!! It's week 3 and my pick to win is eliminated again. 3 years in a row- fucking trifecta!!! Dominic's post-eviction interview is about his throwing POV (stupid move, dipshit), his speech (light a fire under the losers doing nothing), and his friendship with Daniele.

As the houseguests get ready for the HOH competition, Julie calls them back into the living room for an announcement. Golden key holders are back in the game, duos are over, and everyone is playing as individuals. Julie warns the twists are far from over, so get ready for Dominic or Cassi to re-enter the game (no1curr about Keith). By the way, this wasn't an announcement. They all knew 10 players meant individuals and you told us 11 seconds into the episode. FAIL.

The HOH competition is an endurance competition to balance on a pair of skis angled downward (there are poles to hold onto). The last HG hanging on wins but of course it's not easy, as the skis swing side to side and the wall moves and shakes them. Damn, your hips will be lookin' fly after this. The first 5 eliminated HG have to grab a giant snowball with either something good or bad in it, but one has $10 grand. Julie gives one last twist before heading out: snow blow! Turning on my live feeds now for a long night hopefully ends with someone not shitty winning HOH.

July 28, 2011

Reality Rundown: Gaga for Dancing

Food Network StarSo You Think You Can Dance

Food Network Star - The 6 "stars" leave the Los Angeles mansion for Newwww York City's Flathotel, then quickly head to Food Network's HQ at Chelsea Market. Bobby Flay greets the "stars" in the shiny Food Network kitchens and then brings in Ina Garten, The Barefoot Contessa who hates being a good person. The Camera Challenge is to sum up yourself in a cupcake. FYI, I'd win the shit out of this challenge. I guess because none of them are bakers, a lot of the "cupcakes" are merely savory items stuffed in a cupcake tin. Whitney makes the "wise" choice of serving Ina Garten a complete replica of Ina's signature cupcake. I can't believe she doesn't get completely reamed for not making something original because it's supposed to be themselves in a cupcake, not your take on Ina. I liked Mary Beth best with her delicious strawberry cupcakes and story about picking strawberries with her son; the judges liked her best too. They also liked the taste of Jyll's chocolate orange cupcake, less her phony personality. Jeff is the challenge loser for "taking savory to a new level" which means "sucky."

Rachel Ray's raspy mug shows up on a TV screen to invite the "stars" to appear on The Rachel Ray Show for their Star Challenge. Each "star" is given a mystery dome and under each dome is a classic family dinner they have to put their own twist on. The dishes are: Vic- lasagna, Mary Beth- Shepherd's Pie, Susie- Chicken Stir-Fry, Jyll- Meatloaf, Whitney- Chili, Jeff- Porkchops and Applesauce. Along with the 3-minute cooking demo, they also have to do an intro to their segment and a Q&A with the studio audience. So complex! (not really)

Rachel gives a quick hello to the finalists in the Green Room before bringing each out to do their intro, demo and Q&A. Whitney is first and coins the term "gourmazing" which makes my stomach churn. Whitney begins very mechanical and teachy, but is able to get in some personal facts about her brother and gazpacho in thanks to the Q&A during the demo. Mary Beth is super enthusiastic about her Sunday Suppers but her Shepherd's Pie is a pretty basic recipe so she runs out of talking points and energy. Vic is the mam's boy that looks like a thug- get it?! The judges have a boner for him and I just see early flashes of a new Guy Fieri. Vic combines lasagna with chimichangas (lachanga), meaning he shoves leftoever lasagna into a tortilla (but forgets to mention this), fries it, drops in sauce. Oh superb. His demo is boring and has no Q&A. Susie kind of implies Mexican food is low class and she'll make it better. Her take on stir-fry is a fajita and it's sooo boring to watch. My favorite moment is her ignoring the audience member who wants to ask a question. That woman will go hungry forever! Jyll has a great intro and then gets totally stumped when someone asks how her show would be different from any others and she's like "Sheeeeeeit." Jeff's intro about turning any meal into a sandwich is a slam dunk and then high fives the crowd. I love him most. Along with a great sandwich, Jeff aces the demo and Q&A from the audience, while also schmoozing for a second appearance on the show.

Stop: panel time. The judges like Mary Beth's physical presentation of the Shepherd's Pie but her demo was an information-lacking bore. Jeff is praised for personality but said the demo lacked in knowledgeable info. Jyll was not funny and has no idea what her culinary POV is, which is a bad move to make at week 8 when you can't articulate your thoughts. Vic's omission of facts about the lasagna being leftoever ruined it all, though Bobby still think it tastes crappy. Judge Susie doesn't like that star Susie perceives Mexican food to be a sloppy mess. Whitney's chili tasted good but was more of a soup. She presents and teaches well, but her personality and stories are lacking. Jeff and Whitney are the top 2, with Jeff taking the victory for the week. Jyll, who has been stumbling around for weeks, is finally sent home to give the robot that she is a well-deserved oil change.

So You Think You Can Dance - The top 8 perform twice this week, paired with each other and then with an All Star. Joining Nigel and Mary on the judging panel is choreographer/film director Rob Marshall and one111111 of the biggest pop stars on earth, Lady Gaga. This is a pretty huge get.

Favorite routines of the night. Melanie is paired with Neil in a contemporary routine about the crossroads of a relationship. Melanie is effortless perfection, as usual, and receives a standing ovation. Gaga loves Melanie and even says she'd hire her immediately to dance with her. Marko and Allison bring tears to all eyes, particularly his mom and Gaga who has a soaking wet face by the end, in their Sonja Tayeh contemporary piece about basking in the guilt of being judgmental. The dance is just beautiful and their dancing is so strong, and the tears in their eyes while dancing are so real. Marko and Ricky get our first double-dude dance in a janitor hip hop. Imagine if Bert Hoover had swagger: this is the routine. It's awesome. Melanie and Sasha bring the house down in the final performance of the night: a fierce jazz routine of sort of robotic creations or something. Know this: it is awesome and to me the obvious lead-in to these 2 being the last girls standing in this competition. I think a female winner is coming again!

Not favorites but notables. Sasha dances with my boyfriend Pasha in the best rhyme scheme name duo for a crazy quickstep to "Puttin' on the Ritz." The intro is fun and quirky but transgresses into the usual ballroom stuff that the kids don't vote for. Caitlynn and All Star Ivan (!!!) pair up for a hip hop routine where Caitlynn shows she's got some smooth moves and some great chemistry with Ivan. Jordan and Ade play badasses together in a jazz routine choreographed by Tyce. It's fast and has a lot of lifts and acrobatics. It's very 80s. Tadd dances with reigning SYTYCD champion Lauren Froderman in a jazz heist which involves Tadd borrowing a lot of Michael Jackson's moves. Caitlynn and Tadd do a classic foxtrot, reminiscent of Fred and Ginger and the old days. The costumes are gorgeous but you know no one is voting for this.

Least favorites of the night. Ricky is tasked with the jive alongside Anya. It's like fate keeps giving him the dances to get him eliminated. The dance is really fun and energetic but c'mon, no one ever votes for the jive. Nappytabs comes out of hip hop hiding to choreograph Jess and Lauren Gottlieb. I wanted to love it but I think the choreography is meh and they have no chemistry so it was dull to watch. But upside: no corny faces. Jess and Jordan do a sexy little rumba with no chemistry, but I can't focus on anything but the costume giving Jordan some nasty side rolls.

Result show! The top 8 perform a group contemporary piece dressed like an antique circus or in Jess' case, The Joker as a ringmaster. More surprising: that wonderful pieces is choreographed by Tyco Diorio and it's been so nice seeing him get out of his hokey Broadway box. The bottom 4 this week are Jordan, Caitlynn, Jess, and Tadd. Ok, now Tadd is a shocker cause I thought Ricky was a goner (see above). To fill our time, the Legion of Extraordinary Dancers performs and it's pretty spectacular. I've crapped all over Christopher Scott's routines this season and I think that's because he clearly excels at group choreography, not pairs. Later, guest judge of the week Lady Gaga performs "The Edge of Glory" and "You and I" in a relatively normal outfit: black bustier (like Selena!) with pointy shoulders and a black studded angular skirt. Most importantly, one of Lady Gaga's most prominent backup dancers for years now is Mark Kanemura from season 4. I loved him (and still do)! Enough distractions, let's get the verdict! Jordan and Jess are eliminated this week which means my fantasy team isn't a total bust. Cause let's face it, isn't thsis really all about MY fantasy team?

July 26, 2011

The Bachelorette: Hit It and Quit It- Helicopter Date Edition

The Bachelorette - Week 9

Ashley and her final 3 fly away from their hometowns all the way to Fiji. Only 3 dates and 2 hours? I think it's time for this show to concoct some fake drama!

As Ashley ponders life while leaning on a railing and writing on page 2 of her journal (this has been some journey, huh?!) there's a knock on the door. That goofus loser Ryan returns to try and win Ashley's affections back. Because remember all those passionate moments they shared together?? No? Me neither. This show is running out of twists to recycle. Ryan said he went home, back to work, and decided he couldn't leave an open-end on something so he called Chris Harrison (yeah right) to get Ashley's location. Ryan wants more time with Ashley if she's ever, ever regretted sending him home in Taiwan. Ryan slips Ashley his address on a piece of paper in case she wants to spend time with him. I bet Ashley will write another 4 sentences in her massive journal summing up this craziness. Now onto the guys she hasn't already dumped yet.

Ashley meets Ben on the docks for a private boat excursion. They drink pineapple drinks, talk about the hometown date, and then the old rubbing sunscreen on your chest to get to second base trick. Ashley gets some herself by straddling Ben to apply sunscreen. Get a room! After all the effort of applying sunscreen, they wash it all off by diving into the crystal clear water to snorkel. After a day of making out of the boat, they rinse off, change clothes, and share a romantic beachside dinner. Ben's all nerves because he's ready to tell Ashley he loves her tonight- duh duh dunnnn. Ashley tells Ben she could really see herself with him forever, they've had a perfect day, and Ben says someone has to fully commit to this. He awkwardly gets in to say he's on his way to "the whole 'I love you thing'." Ashley whips out the Fantasy Suite card to forgo their single rooms to shack up together and bone, I mean talk, all night. They head to the beautiful suite with a big bed looking over the most gorgeous lit blue pool ever. They make out a lot and Ashley lets us viewers know she's falling in love with him.

Date #2 is the data I have been waiting for all season: HELICOPTER DATE!!! H.R.E.A.M.!! Constantine joins Ashley in a helicopter painted with hibiscus flowers and he gets more excited than me for the helicopter. Cue fantastic editing of a sad Ryan looking up into the sky as if Ashley and Constantine flew over him. At some point the helicopter lands and they trek to a beautiful waterfall to go cliff jumping. Ashley can tell Constantine is super slow at things, pointing out that it took him over 100 home visits to pick the perfect home for him. Like he just now realized he missed Ashley whereas JP has been a superstalker since week 2. Ashley digs Constantine but he's too slow for her; a bit of a Slowski! They dine under a thatched roof where they discuss Ben and Constantine's friendship, bromance if you will. Ashley wonders if it's weird for friends to date the same girl (uh, yeah) but Constantine doesn't want to come in the way of Ben and Ashley's feelings. This date is going nowhere very slowly. Constantine knows he is nowhere close to being ready to propose to Ashley in a week's time and tells her straight-up. Constantine declines the Fantasy Suite card because he respects her and wouldn't take her to the bone zone if he wasn't falling in love with her. Constantine says it's the end of the road for him (exact words) and Ashley respects him keeping it real. Ashley looks at the key to the Fantasy Suite knowing she is not getting laid tonight.

As these dates go on, Ryan has been chilling alone in Fiji. Yes, days pass before there is any sort of response. I would give this show a standing ovation if Ashley totally stood Ryan up and never showed. After getting dumped by Constantine, Ashley decides to visit Ryan at that hotel he is totally not paying for to see if there's something still there and by that I mean, setting Ryan up to be the next jilted guy turned Bachelor lead. Ashley admits letting him go was the hardest dumping she did and his coming to Fiji (cause producers told him to) shows what a good guy he is. Bad news though, she knows dumping him was the right decision so enjoy the free Fiji vacation cause she's gonna go bone JP and Ben now. Ryan wonders if he'll ever find love and is hurt to hear no again. Ughhh if he's the Bachelor next season, sorry folks, but I'm NOT recapping or watching that shit.

On Ashley's date with JP, they are picked up by a sea plane or as I call it, the poor man's helicopter date. The flight is spent kissing, holding hands, and looking down at the purdy water. They land on quiet, private island where they continue to hug, kiss, and talk on the beach and in the water. JP is just ready to be picked and move on with it, which is the same shit he's said since week 2 so nothing new. They share a romantic dinner is a jungle setting and I pray the Smoke Monster comes out and kills them. I miss you, Lost. Ashley lets JP know she dumped 2 guys this week (JP gets so excited for a sec that he's already been picked). She explains that Constantine and her mutually parted ways and the paid-by-producers-to-return Ryan got dumped twice. You still have one mop-top to fend off, JP! JP was more terrified the plague of Bentley came back. JP wants Ashley to be his wife and hopes the feelings and reciprocated. Reciprocated in the Fantasy Suite- bone zone time! They head to a gorgeous jungle villa that I want to live in forever and then ruins it by having Ashley change into just a men's white shirt and her undies. Gross. Just let them

In paycheck time, Chris Harrison does his job as Ashley's BFF and confidante to talk about her dates. There is still a rose ceremony in case either guy has a change of heart. Ashley tells the guys about getting dumped by Constantine and asks them to think hard about the rose and only accept if they see an engagement and future. Guess what, they both take roses- duh. Waste of time!

Next week: the men tell all on Sunday, Ashley cries while picking a guy on Monday.

July 25, 2011

Serving of the Week

7/25/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served 2 comments

Name: Robert Pattison
SERVED: While you think I'd be SERVING Twilight for being at Comic-Con when it clearly shouldn't be there (nor should Glee), I'm SERVING dreamboat Robert Pattison. Why? THIS HAIRCUT. WTF? Did you cut your hair in a darkened bathroom while summoning the Candyman? SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit: Dlisted

July 24, 2011

Reality Rundown: The One Where Rachel Pees on Live Television with her Mic On

7/24/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Big Brother - Week 2

Keith is gone, Porsche remains to annoy, and Jordan won HOH which means another dull week ahead. The big question in the house is what 2 newbies swapped their votes and evicted Keith? We know it was Kalia and Shelly, but the other newbies have no idea and are pissed. Adam swears he said yes to the vets plan, but ultimately cast to evict Porsche; he believes this betrayal to the vet will get him nominated this week. The newbies in no way buy this, putting Adam on the outs and making him sad and now untrustworthy of his partner Dominic. Kalia dodges the interrogation while Shelly sits silently. Rachel comes to see the newbies and makes a snide comment about "Some of us like Porsche," pissing everyone off more. Learn some tact you fake-ginger bitch.

As Shelly encourages Adam to play a solo game, Dominic makes the same move and decides he's going to have to wheel and deal to stay in the game. Let's hope so buddy cause if you go home third in this game I'll be pissed (though I'd be so awesome if for the third year in a row my winner prediction was eliminated week 3). Dom's first move: Golden Key vet, Danielle, who he has a flirty relationship with. Adam instead heads right up to HOH Jordan and his manpiece Jeff to make a deal for his safety, though Jeff isn't sure Adam can be trusted. Dani wants to attempt to pull some strings to keep Dom safe, like trying to sway the veterans to vote to keep Dom in the game if he's nominated. Dominic later tries to make a deal offering loyalty to not nominate Jeff/Jordan next week. Cassi also assures Jeff/Jordan her target is on a different couple (Brenchel). It's veterans torn between which strong newbie they'd rather take out: Cassi or Dominic.

In the Have/Have Not competition, the HGs are shoved into ant suits as pairs and have to collect "food crumbs" on an obstacle course. The competition is a lot of squishing your partner as one rolls on top of the other and getting filthy. It's like last week's milk challenge with less pelvic thrusting. Some crawl, some walk- it's all awkward. Brendon and Rachel end up winning the challenge, so they are Haves with the Golden Key holders and HOH and their partner. Kalia starts freaking out with Lawon crushing her, making a medic come out from the illusive mirrors to help her. You wouldn't believe this, but the house doesn't care! After the freakout, Rachel/Brendon get to choose which partners are Have Nots so pick Adam/Dominic and Cassi/Shelly. Good news is America voted that the Have Nots could have beef jerky and jellybeans all week. Fuck, I'd be a Have Not this week for those treats.

Long story short, Jordan nominates the duo of Adam and Dominic for elimination. Looks like the Mel Got Served winner curse could strike for a third season in a row. It's bittersweet!

Did I mention Brendon dresses as a superhero and is best friends with a toy turtle that he named Franklin?

With nominations announced, Dominic feels betrated by Adam, thinking he made a deal to save himself. Rachel is pissed about the nominations because she feels Cassi, not Dominic, should be the target and that Jordan made a crappy decision. Adam tries to soothe things over with Dom, then heads up to the HOH and gets told by Jordan to throw the veto competition. Adam, being the fucking follower that he is, agrees to do it cause she's the HOH. Seriously dude? Only you can control your fate here and throwing comps doesn't help.

Rachel and Porsche talk shit on Cassi, saying she pretends to be the victim (lie), is a bad player (lie), and all sorts of other bullsheeeeit. Rachel has this Cassi obsession since Cassi supposedly said something to Porsche and it's such annoying high school shit with her. Rachel isn't the only one who wants Cassi out: Dani confides to Dominic that she also tried to get Cassi on the block but Rachel's big mouth blew it. Dani wants Dominic to trust her and align together, and I think he's down with the idea and the flirting too. Dani doesn't hate Cassi like Rachel does, but if it helps her work with Dominic, she's all for it. Jordan (and Jeff) don't appreciate the Brenchel bullying to get Cassi out and are fed up with Rachel's constant gametalk and jealousy.

In a "Seriously this show has to be fucking rigged" moment, the random duo to play in the Veto competition along with Jeff/Jordan and Dominic/Adam are Brendon and Rachel. Adam still plans to throw it, but Dominic isn't ready to leave yet and actually plans to try to which I say THANK YOU! Stop throwing comps you waste of space noobs. Before the competition, Brenchel talk in the storage room about winning the veto and saving Dominic/Adam to get rid of Cassi. Dani loves the idea, but worries it'll really piss JeJo off.

The competition itself is to cross a balance beam and stick chewed gum onto a canvas to form a veto symbol; fall off the beam and you lose, unless you accept 2 weeks of slop to keep playing. Dominic is lucky because it's an individual event, not duos, so no screwing over your partner this week. Surprisingly, the dumbass that is Rachel can walk and chew gum at the same time. Jordan is first to fall and almost takes the slop before Jeff tells her to stop because it's not worth it since she'd lose anyways. Rachel is pissed and makes a snide comment, "If the HOH isn't playing then maybe we shouldn't be." Jeff is pissed. Rachel falls down and takes the 2 weeks of slop "cause I need to be on a diet anyways." Jeff points out again there's no point to take the slop if you didn't stand a chance to win the veto. The Mel Got Served winner prediction as 3rd eliminee curse is broken when Dominic wins the Power of Veto! Yay for him, yay for me!

Rachel and Brendon get into another fight because of her sassy, shithead remarks about the HOH not competiting. She is like a child in this game and I am so sick of her annoying antics to get airtime. The newbies love this fight between Brenchel and Jeff because it's some cracks in a tight alliance. Rachel then fake cries in a shrub with Brendon doing his annoying "baby" motivational stuff. God I'd love if Jordan backdoored Rachel and Brendon, but she wouldn't this early in the game which is a shame. Jeff tells Jordan he's pissed he lost and moreso pissed at Rachel's antics. Jordan explains there's just a week left of tolerating Brenchel, while Jeff tells us in his Diary Room session the thought has crossed his mind (let's call this wishful editing). Either way, they don't want to nominate Cassi and Shelly. Rachel later fake apologizes in the least convincing way. The 5 veterans swear their undying love to each other or whatever.

Cassi and Shelly visit Jordan in the HOH room to explain she could really change up the game and spare their nomination to take out some real competitors (Brenchel). Jordan is torn between doing what is best for her or her alliance. Wishful editing has Jeff supporting the idea of nominating Brenchel and getting one of them out of the game, but it's Cassi and Shelly that are named the replacement nominees after Dominic saves himself and Adam from the block.

Shelly is sad that it's very likely her "best friend" Cassi is going home this week. You know, the "best friend" who you couldn't even align with week 1 or have the balls to tell the truth to. They mourn and cry together, but Cassi doesn't want to campaign against oh so lovable liar Shelly. Then Jordan's upstairs in the HOH crying, feeling guilty for nominating someone's mom. Shelly's crying over her kid, hoping she understands the show and I don't know. STFU, Shelly. If Shelly stayed with the noobs week 1, this wouldn't have happened as poorly.

Cassi pulls Rachel into the Have Not room to see what her beef is. Rachel claims it's because Cassi doesn't like Porsche, that she wanted the power couples out, and that Cassi is a liar and bad game player. Cassi tells Rachel she is catty, an ugly person on the inside, and now understands why America hates her. Y-E-S. Rachel immediately fake cries to Jordan and it's sooo horrible to watch her attempt to get out some crocodile tears. Jordan keeps it real and tells Rachel that some of the stuff she says does come off bitchy. Jordan explains she needs to calm it down because she's putting a target on them all. Brendon the almighty doesn't like anyone messing with his fiance or Cassi swearing on the bible that she's not a liar. He's such a fucking prick. Cassi just wanted to make peace but instead these 2 asshole get one of the few tolerable people in this house eliminated.

Time filler includes Julie Chen interviewing HOH Jordan in her safari dress, Adam's girlfriend calling him a "master of Big Brother," and Dominic's girl BFF saying he's not into Daniele romantically.

The votes are cast and in a unanimous vote, Cassi is evicted from Big Brother 13. Boo! Thankfully for Cassi, it's pretty obvious that the first few HGs evicted are going into sequester and may return to the game. With the edit she got tonight of standing up to the shitheads that are Brenchel, my vote goes to her for sure. Rachel's goodbye message is in fact catty and bitchy, so we all knew that was coming, but what we didn't see coming was that Big Brother would forget to turn off Rachel's mic when she peed so yes we heard Rachel urinating on live television.

The HOH competition is about to begin, BUT FIRST, a cameo of the Zingbot in the audience with a "Comic-Con or Bust" sign. I love you Zingbot! The competition is to correctly answer questions posed to the viewers of Big Brother on CBS.com. These are less real questions and more impressions of the HGs, like "Which houseguest would you rather get mouth to mouth from?" (it is easily Jeff over disgusting, chauvinist Brendon). In the worst news of my entire life, Rachel wins HOH again. Fuck this season.

July 22, 2011

Charity of the Month for July 2011: Plan

7/22/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served
I'm a bit late on my July donation, which makes me feel a bit guilty. I was having a hard time finding something new to bring more awareness to (and thank you to my Twitter followers for suggestions). After Googling some terms, I happened upon a charity I hadn't really heard of before, but as soon as I read on the site, I loved it.

Plan is an organization in over 50 countries working to promote child rights and lift millions of children out of poverty. With so many children in this world struggling to get by, giving towards a cause like this is something I believe in. What I really liked about Plan is that you could donate in different ways, like sponsoring a child, supporting an issue, general donation, or the way I donated: a Gift of Hope. The Gifts of Hope are items you can purchase directly for the children and their families. They range from things as small as wrap for a newborn baby, to a girl's latrine system, to community gardens. As part of their I Am a Girl program, which promotes girls' rights to a safe childhood, a complete education, and a healthy family in developing countries around the world, I gave a Gift of Hope to that program. For only $25, I was able to give to childhood vaccinations that would protect a child from 6 of the deadliest diseases that kill millions of children. As the website says "You are literally saving a life" and it's on $25. Who can say no to that?

July 21, 2011

Reality Rundown: Gutter Sexy

Food Network StarSo You Think You Can Dance

Food Network Star - At the halfway point the "stars" have mid-terms, with 2 people going home at the end of the week. The Camera Challenge is easy enough: prepare your signature dish and do a 2-minute demo. All the demos are terrible except for the winner of the challenge, Whitney, who told a story about serving gazpacho to her sorority sisters. Yes, that is all it takes to win a challenge.

Bobby Flay comes right to the house to explain the next challenge: create a dinner party in their house for the selection panel and Wolfgang Puck. Since Whitney won the challenge she gets to assign who shops for decor (Mary Beth, Penny) and then the order the chefs will serve, and therefore the courses. Her order is Jeff, Vic, Mary Beth, Penny, Jyll, herself, Susie, and Chris gets sacked with dessert. The kitchen in their home isn't huge (and has only 2 ovens) and the pantry is far from stocked, so this is an interesting challenge. Chris has hardly any chocolate, no recipe, and warns everyone not to touch the temperature on his side of the oven (which of course happens), so yeah do the reality show math.

Dinner time! First course is Jeff's beef carpacchio over arugula, which is a surprise to the panel but they enjoy the dish and his presentation. Vic's course is mozzarella stuffed with arugula and fried, which is nice and crispy and another improved Vic performance. Mary Beth serves butternut squash soup but the cayenne she tossed in overpowered the rest. Penny's dish is shrimp over figs and more fucking arugula (find another green, people!); the dish is delicious and she's warm in-person. Jyll presents her sweet corn risotto and Wolfgang Puck winces looking at the dish. He gets up from the table, takes Jyll to the kitchen, and shows her how to really make risotto. SERVED! She's humiliated but keeps that smiled glued to her face. Whitney's main course is a roasted chicken with an Asian puffed rice flair, channeling her parents as inspiration. The food's good but she's still meh. Susie didn't have Mexican cheese so instead use chile relenos using feta, impressing the panel with her improvisation and the taste of the food. Chris closes off the night with a chocolate fudge cake with Creme Anglais and a lot of apologies and excuses for being shitty.

Selection panel aka who else is going home besides Chris? Whitney and Vic receive praise for their dishes, but it's the personality element holding them back. The panel loves Susie but has concerns about her lack of focus, which leads into her crying about her story of applying to cooking school. Jyll cries over her risotto humiliation. The panel enjoyed Jeff's salad but deep down wish he did his usual sandwich. Penny makes amazing food but has no life on camera. Chris is immature and tries to defend his cooking experience and Bobby puts him in his place immediately. It's awesome. Mary Beth can articulate her food well but her cooking hasn't been up to snuff. Chris and Penny are both eliminated meaning the trip to New York will be a lot less drama-filled.

So You Think You Can Dance - The top 10 dancers so sayonara to couples and now will dance with an All Star from season's past. You know what that means: me drooling over Pasha. Also drooling over this week's guest judge, Neil Patrick Harris, who is such a great judge I would take him on the panel forever. Let's break down my favorites and least favorites (because there were no real clunkers).

Faves! Marko and Chelsie Hightower, now a Dancing with the Stars pro, do an insanely fast and sexy samba. For anyone thinking Marko might drop down in quality without Melanie, you're wrong. He's amazing. Caitlynn and my boyfriend Pasha sexily dance an Argentinian Tango together to make me super jealous. The lean-ins for almost kisses and the passion- ahhh love it. Sasha is paired with fan favorite Twitch (star of Step Up 3D!!!!!), but my heart sinks when Christopher Scott is the choreographer because his stuff on this show has been terrible. The good news is that the routine, about a married couple that re-ignites their missing sexy flame over breakfast, is finally great. Not just great, maybe one of the best of the season? In the new greatest pairing in the history of the world, Melanie gets to dance a Viennese Waltz with Pasha. Two Pasha routines? I die. Speaking of dying, this routine is about a guy who has lost his will to live, so his lady tries to make him OK again. Melanie is sort of ethereal, floating across the stage. The routine is just so beautiful. Clarice and Robert close out the night with a high-energy Bollywood number. This is the best Bollywood routine I have seen in a long time, plus Clarice and Robert have great chemistry even with his hammy smiles.

In the middle I'll put Jordan's contemporary. It was danced so well and a stand-out piece for Jordan, but something about Jordan has never clicked for me.

Least favorites. Mitchell and Melody (the only All Star I've never seen before since I started watch season 2) do a Broadway Jazz routine where they pretend she's a plane. I'd prefer a helicopter, but I'll take it. It's a very Tyce routine, it didn't seem like an airplane (and NPH shits all over it and I love it). I don't see the votes rolling in for it. Rickey and season 2's Allison are having a bad dream in a Tyce Diorio jazz routine. It's a much different style than the usual Tyce piece, which is great, but I think Allison completely outshines Rickey to the point that I hardly watched him. The judges think he kept up with her, but I disagree. Jess and Kathryn perform an eye-contact free contemporary routine. The routine is absolutely stunning, but I will say I feel this piece showcased the All Star more than the contestant for a large portion of it. And Jess sucks at lifts.

Results show! The top 10 perform a Broadway routine that I didn't like and it wasn't even choreographed by Tyce- the biggest shocker of them all. The bottom 4 dancers are Mitchell and Rickey for the boys and Clarice and Jordan for the girls. Besides the dancer's possible last solo, time filler includes a ballet dancer who looks like a young Steve Zahn, getting tested at the Gatorade Sports Science Center (you all fail!!), and a performance from Blush (?) with Snoop Dogg. Now it looks like the rules changed because in the past at the top 10 mark, America's votes were the sole decision but now the judges are involved. What this means is I planned my fantasy picks all wrong because I went based on America not the judges. After a long rambling about even losers are winners on this show, Mitchell and Clarice are eliminated.

July 19, 2011

The Bachelorette: The One Where We Learn JP Had a Sweet Mullet

The Bachelorette - Week 8

Ashley stops crying internationally to return stateside and hopefully cry all across the great United States. In order to fill time, Ashley recaps why she like all of her final 4 by using the phrase "unique" a lot.

Ashley's first stop is Constantine's hometown in Georgia where they greet with a weird hug and no kisses because they have zero chemistry. Now that Constantine got a free trip around the world he's open to trying this relationship thing. Constantine takes Ashley to the Italian restaurant he owns. When making pizza Ashley tries to shove Constantine on top of it, cause he's her favorite topping. Get it?! Don't worry if you don't cause Constantine didn't at first either. All the waitresses spy on Constantine and Ashley having the unsexiest, least passionate kiss ever. Open your mouth and move your head a little, ya goof. Later, Constantine brings Ashley to his family's home to meet his mom, dad, and sister. Constantine's family is already planning a party to celebrate Constantine and Ashley's inevitable return as an engaged couple (good luck with that party). His mom makes sure it's known that Ashley will probably have to relocate because god forbid the female dominate a relationship on this show. Has the guy ever relocated for the woman in the history of this franchise? Exactly. Off my tangent, Constantine's dad says don't rush into things, which makes Ashley's jokes about moving in much funnier (OK, exaggerating). In a last minute surprise, that party mentioned earlier comes to fruition and it's a big fat Greek reality show party. It's just like that episode of Full House where Stavros and Papouli come to visit, except I don't recall anyone throwing dollar bills at the Tanners when they danced.

Next up is Ames' hometown in Pennsylvania, which allows him to dress in a rugged flannel because they live in countryside. More importantly, Ames puts his hands on his hips, which lifts the flannel and exposes his poorly tucked in boxers. Ashley meets Ames' mom, siblings, and nieces and nephews. It's yet another family reunion. A very smitten Ames gets to also recap getting knocked the fuck out in Thailand and going to the hospital- good times! Next to the indoor pool (!!), Ames' sister wonders if Ashley is reciprocating the feelings Ames has. Ashley admits it's a slower moving relationship and it's good in a different way and the compares him to an onion. The onion reveals some sad family history, which shows why he's a little stand-offish compared to the other guys, well except Constantine who is standing on another planet to stay away from Ashley in physical ways. The slowness of the relationship keeps coming up, which should be a red flag right away. Ames' sister encourages him to step up the romantic side of him, so he takes her to a garden full of magnolia trees with a picnic basket. Ames says he can't think of anything more romantic than this and obviously he has never been on a helicopter date. Obviously. After discussing Ames nerdiness and stuff Ames lays on another of his weirdly aggressive kisses and lets us know he's totally falling in love with Ashley and maybe next time they're here they'll be engaged. Oh hi, negative foreshadowing.

Time to get yo drank on at Ben's Sonoma, California winery. Ashley's inner crunkness is delighted at the sight of all the wine barrels. They share some fresh wine, have a picnic, and share quick kisses that aren't going to knock Ashley's head off. Ben explains the importance of his mother and sister (and meeting them) and reminisces about his dead dad and how he would've loved Ashley too. While Ben and Constantine look like twins separated at birth, thankfully his mother and sister bear no resemblance to Constantine. Ben's sister explained she signed him up for the show which seems like a nice gesture but if you make it to the end and get totally heartbroken, must suck to be the person who signed you up for it. Ben tells his sister how Ashley has really gotten him to open up, while Ashley asks a lot of questions about his hair. Ben and his mom talk about his dad watching down and it's sad and not a hometown date I can totally rip into. I can't imagine this franchise isn't thinking Ben would be a good Bachelor should he not get picked by Ashley.

Across the country Ashley goes to visit JP in rainy New York, so he plans an indoor date: rollerskating! My memories of rollerskating include getting the paddle scanner at Skate Time for guns and rollerskating around to Shanice's "I Love Your Smile" and coming up with innovative poses to win "Freeze Skate." No, I never won. They skate a little, kiss under a disco ball, and skate until JP falls to the ground. Ashley's main question is how JP has gone so long without a long lasting relationship, but he's just sure he wants to be with her. JP brings Ashley to meet his parents, brother, and brother's girlfriend. JP's mom wants to make sure he's not headed for heartbreak again, and when probed if he is in love with her, JP gives an all signs pointing towards yes. Like a Magic 8 ball. JP's mom then gives a veiled threat that Ashley better not break his heart. The icing on the cake is the reveal of JP's bar mitzvah self portrait, with signatures all over his Doogie Howser mullet. Hot!

Ashley meets with Chris Harrison to recap the dates and hand him a paycheck. They laugh over her past Bentley obsession like old chums do. But who gives a shit, who gets roses and heads off for super sexy Fantasy Suite dates? Ben, JP, and Constantine get to jetset across the world while Ames gets a coach flight (and probably Southwest general boarding and doesn't even get a chance to check in 24 hours in advance for A group boarding so he has to wait at the end with the C group) back to Pennsylvania. Or maybe the next flight to the Bachelor Pad? Yaaaay!

Next week: return of the helicopter date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Photo Credit: ABC.com

July 18, 2011

Serving of the Week

7/18/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served No comments

Name: Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony
SERVED: If these two can't last, can any of us find love? That's right everybody, Jennifer Lopez and Marc "Skeletor" Anthony are getting a divorce. This is truly a sad day. J/K, LOL. I'd like to think this divorce happened because Marc though Jennifer was a horrible American Idol judge. Or that Jennifer was like "You always look dead!" and he's like "This is how I always look!" Either way, this marriage is SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit: Today.MSN.com

July 17, 2011

Reality Rundown: Space Milk Mountain

7/17/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Big Brother 13 - Week 1

Julie Chen, free of the baby that lived in her womb last season, lets us know dynamic duos "ruled Big Brother." Duh Julie, we read the spoilers ages ago. Eight strangers are entering the house thinking they're solo players, but will instead be forced to pick a partner to play this game with. We learn about the 8 houseguests, including virgin mama's boy Dominic, model Cassi, deacon Keith, metalhead Adam, and extremely annoying Lawon, to name a few. Porsche, who seems annoying, smartly notes there's only 8 people there. After picking beds it becomes obvious that there's more beds and place-settings than people in the house. So who's entering the house? We'll see.

In introductions, Keith claims he's a matchmaker instead of a god lover. Adam admits he loves Beverly Hills 90210 and bacon. Shelly, the token old lady, gets to say nothing but she's a wife and mom. Kalia is a writer who loves Kahlua. Dominic is a model, business-major; she ladies be digging him. Porsche was named after the car, of course, and says she's a student instead of a VIP cocktail waitress. Smart move cause no one wants to be known as a whore. Lawon loves to have fun and will only have nicknames for people. Cassi says she's a stylist assistant instead of a model so that people won't get the "I'm better than you" stigma. But looming at everyone's minds is who else is entering the house?

BUT FIRST, the HGs learn that they will have a partner of their choosing. Additional twist: if your partner wins HOH, you are both safe however you don't nominate individuals, you nominate a duo. Then a duo must campaign against each other to stay in the game. Keith immediately partners with Porsche. The rest of the partners are: Cassi and Shelly, Dominic and Adam, Lawon and Kalia. But the game gets interesting again and more pairs enter the game in the form of ex-HGs who enter via the ominous doorbell. Because this show hates me to death, Brendon and Rachel enter the house first. To balance out the evil, America's sweethearts Jeff and Jordan enter to welcome arms. Then the doorbell rings again and in walks Evil Dick and his daughter Danielle, now brunette. Break out the pots and pans!! Turns out Dick and Danielle haven't spoken in 3 years, so this should be good times! Unless it's all a ruse, then it's brilliant.

The HGs magically transport in time for the first Head of Household (HOH) competition. The challenge is to hold onto a giant banana as long as possible; pair that lasts the longest wins. To keep it interesting, they shoot "chocolate" at them which looks like exploding diarrhea. Shelly falls first, part of the strategy for her/Cassi to appear as lesser threats. The newbies aren't good at grabbing bananas, with Porsche being the last newbie remaining as whipped cream begins to splooge out at them. Porsche drops, leaving Rachel, Dick, and Danielle as the last 3 hanging. Dick wants to make a deal with Rachel, so they agree to drop for her to win HOH. How appropriate that the huge skank wins a banana grabbin' contest.

Post-HOH comp, Julie gathers the gang in the living for one last twist. It turns out that getting nominated as a duo is awesome: one person goes home, the surviving person gets "the Big Brother Golden Key" which guarantees a spot in the top 10. The people who survive their partner eviction in the first 4 weeks can't be nominated until 10 remain in the house and they don't have to compete in any challenges and still get to vote. Yeah, kinda awesome.

The house dynamic changes with the reveal of the Golden Key with everyone desperate to win one. Brendon and Rachel call this the ultimate floater since they are still completely obsessed with floaters. Dani and Dick puts aside their differences because they know their outside beef doesn't matter when it comes to playing the game. Porsche immediately tells her partner Keith she wants to get in with the veterans, while he'd prefer to stick with their original 8. Dominic later proposes to Cassie an alliance with Keith and Lawon, one from each duo, allowing them to keep some numbers. Dominic gets most excited about the naming of the alliance, which they call The Regulators.

Everyone kisses HOH Rachel's ass, with the HOH room tour. The veterans convene shortly after to become an alliance, while also considering which newbie to bring to their side to have the numbers. Their goal is to turn all the pairs against each other, leaving them vulnerable. Rachel continues to be Rachel, wondering if Cassi has a nose job or Botox, and Brendon wanting her to be natural and beautiful, you know except her big fake titties. GAG.

Since the vets want a newbie on their side, Dick takes Porsche aside since she did well in the HOH competition. Dick lets her know that he'll bring her on board for their votes and that if she gets HOH she'll have to put up a newbie. One problem: Dick still hasn't checked to see if her alliance wants Porsche in the fold. Porsche lets Keith know the plan, which Keith knows is dumb and relays this to his Regulators.

The first Have/Have Not competition commences, with the HGs dressed as futurist colorful cows with milkman hats in outerspace. Lawon accurately calls it Space Milk Mountain. They have to roll around in a pool of milk and get squeezed out to fill up jugs. In true Big Brother fashion, it involves a lot of perverse humping to squeeze out the milk. It's like a nasty milk orgy. The Have Nots end up being Lawon, Kalia, Shelly, and Cassi. Guess Keith's creepy humping paid off. Along with the lack of food, the Have Nots get a creepy padded bedroom but at least there's really cots this year. Oh but the lights never get turned off- enjoy sleeping, jerks.

The veterans have the ol' "We have to win HOH!" talk and decide to try to get Adam on their side since he's a starstruck fan. Not looking good for Porsche, eh? When Dick starts whispering to Adam, he's a little suspect because being liked amongst these super cool veterans is too good to be true. In the HOH room, Dick tells Adam if he goes on the block, don't freak out, they're giving him the Golden Ticket in exchange for his votes, POV throwing, not nominating vets, etc. Rachel begins hashing out not really who needs to go, but who needs to stay. Adam's adoration is a reason to keep him around, while Keith is a dangerous player but keeping Porsche for another 3 weeks is a sucky option too. Cue Dick to enter the HOH room to day Porsche is down for being their puppet. Rachel fills up the wheel of keys to announce her nominations, leaving the cliffhanger to Keith/Porsche and Adam/Dominic. Rachel nominates Keith and Porsche for eviction, citing gameplay and says "Welcome to Big Brother you guys." The plan from the vets is to eliminate Keith and give Porsche the Golden Key.

Porsche is surprised her agreement with Dick didn't keep her safe and Keith think he's safe due to his shittily named alliance. Dick loves these nominations since he came up with them. Porsche heads up to the HOH room and cries, eventhough she's too dumb to realize she's getting a sweet deal for a Golden Key. The vets aren't really too keen on Dick bringing Porsche into the fold cause she sucks. Meanwhile, Keith is rejoicing in his nomination and wants to throw the Power of Veto (POV) competition, trusting the lameass Regulators to keep him safe.

As the game heats up, Dick gets called into the Diary Room and as time flies and he's nowhere to be seen, the house gets suspicious. Big Brother, being so considerate, tells Dick's daughter Danielle nothing and takes hours to call Rachel into the DR. Rachel returns with a note from Big Brother that informs them Dick had to leave the game for an urgent personal matter. Since Danielle lost her partner, she is given the first Golden Key; she's guaranteed a spot in the top 10 but won't be competing in any competitions for the next few weeks. Danielle is sobbing, not knowing why her dad who lives for this show would leave. She feels screwed, the group feels screwed, and Brendon pretends to be super tough like he's going to call out Keith for being happy that he might be safe in the game (he's not). That's right: no one cares about the emergency, it's all about themselves.

Keith is getting a wee bit too excited about the possibility he might be safe, alienating the whole house by being arrogant. Keith decides to be the "hero" and expose Porsche and Kalia for working with the veterans. Instead of "hero" Keith comes off as "crazy paranoid rambling guy." The crappy part is Keith is right, he just went about it the entirely wrong way.

Brendon/Rachel, Porsche/Keith, and Jeff/Jordan are the 3 teams that get to compete for the POV. It's not competing much since both Keith and Porsche, who if you recall are the 2 people who are up for elimination, decide to throw it. Neither knows the other is throwing it, so they're both internally laughing at the other while we laugh that they are both complete morons. In unitards, speedos, and capes, the HGs fly on wires as superheroes to complete a skyscraper veto puzzle. Surprise, Jordan is too dumb to do a puzzle and do worse than Keith/Porsche who fucking threw the contest. Brendon and Rachel easily win the veto and then brag about it. You beat a team that didn't try- great work, shitheads.

Rachel and Brendon have even more power, meaning they're bigger turds. The question becomes whether to leave nominations the same or change them. They do choose to use this as leverage to make a shitload of deals for next week's safety for their entire alliance. Are these people seriously enough to let an alliance of 5 continue to skate by? (yes, yes they are). Everyone of course says yes out of fear and ass-kissing. Cassi is the only person who dares question the veterans, pointing out Jeff/Jordan and Brenchel being pairs that would watch out for themselves first. How dare Cassi have concerns?! Ultimately, Rachel and Brendon choose to not use the veto and leave nominations the same.

The first live eviction episode features Julie is a pale pink suit and using the horrible phrase "Returners" to describe the veteran players. BUT FIRST we must sit through what happened in the house since the veto ceremony, which is both Keith and Porsche believing they are safe and preparing for the inevitable shit-talking. Dominic, Cassi, and Lawon want to keep Keith and figure Kalia and Adam will vote with them. The vets want to keep Porsche but know they need a swing vote to allow Rachel to break the tie. So the vets begin a plan to befriend the newbies, including a drinking game called Big Booty, to get votes. The newbies aren't 100% dumb and know when the vets come out of HOH room exile it's just to try and make good with the noobs. Then Brendon gets mad that Rachel reveals their stupid pet name and this leads into lots of Brenchel coverage which I don't care to recap.

After the Boo-key fight, Brendon tries to sway Shelly to their side. Jeff does the same, but goes for Adam since Dick initially approached Adam for the alliance. They decide to be really condescending and will give him the honor of naming the so-called alliance. They all giggle at the idea of Adam's Angels, which is more hilarious since Keith's plan coming into the house was to have a Keith's Angels alliance. Cassi is pushing hard to keep Keith, but Kalia and Shelly just want to be where the numbers are because they are floaters.

Dick is able to record a video message that features really poor editing on CBS' behalf where he says he's sorry to leave but had to, sad he can't attempt to get along with his daughter for a summer, and will watch the feeds. Julie decides to make it super awkward by asking Danielle if she'd say "I love you" to her dad. Seriously Julie? This is why you don't get the Emmy noms. The HGs also get to see video of the Have/Have Not competition including Keith's O face. Shelly and Kalia jump ship to the veteran's side and Keith is evicted and Porsche gets a golden key. He's shocked but it's not completely surprising since Keith was so paranoid.

The HOH competition is "just like miniature golf" because it IS mini golf. Danielle and Porsche have Golden Keys so they can't compete and neither can outgoing HOH Rachel. Ughhhh, Jordan wins HOH which means the stupid vets are safe to hide away in the HOH room another week. Dreading the next week of ass-kissing.

July 14, 2011

Reality Rundown: Balls Deep

Food Network StarSo You Think You Can Dance

Food Network Star - 1 hour episode, rejoice! The "stars" head to a parking lot with 3 food trucks and host of The Great Food Truck Race, Tyler Florence. The teams will have to create a food truck concept and film a 30 second intro to their truck and that commercial will determine which food truck they try. Vic, Jyll, and Orchid decide to do a crazy taco truck, "Fierce Food Fusion." Their commercial is fun and friendly and really overuses "We're gonna have a great time!" Whitney, Jeff, and Susie do "Balls on the Roll" which I guess it like different meatball subs? Susie doesn't like the balls, but Whitney overrides her. Their commercial is balls puns overload, which worries Tyler. Chris, Penny, and Mary Beth put "the wrap back on the map" (didn't know it left) and say they're "Chris' Angels" (ew) and then bore us. Ugh, awful.

The next morning, Balls on the Roll puts on their red headbands and head to the other "stars" to see their poorly decorated food trucks. Was the budget for this $11? What terrible decals. The chefs prep their dishes in the trucks and then the 150 guests and judges enter the hanger where the trucks are. First, though, they have to watch the commercial to decide which one food truck they will dine at. Bobby Flay must have smoked up before because he laughs really hard at the extremely bad promos. As if they paid the crowd, there's double-take head turns to the mere mention of "balls" (except Tyler and Bobby who lose their shit laughing).

Penny is so slow so when a line begins forming for her filet mignon wraps and none are ready, it looks bad. Good news is it tastes amazing. Mary Beth places peacemaker to the crowd during the extreme delay; too bad her chicken is bland and Chris' lobster is non-existent and filled with cream cheese. The Fusion truck interacts well with the crowd, making everyone a happy camper, but Orchid feels left out of Jyll and Vic's BFF banter. When interviewed by the panel, Orchid tries to talk but the judges keep interrupting like assholes and when she gets to speak she gets overshadowed. Jyll's taco is way better than last week, Vic's "Phillrito" is a good combo of cheesesteak and burrito, and Orchid's slaw is sour. As for Balls on a Roll, guess no one likes penis humor cause they have very few customers (until people get tired of waiting in lines and then head to the truck). Once the people try the food, they love it (except Whitney's fall-apart falafel). Susie's soup is spicy and Jeff's meatball from a family recipe is a hit.

Judgment time. The panel liked the Wrap It Up concept, hated the commercial, but only liked Penny's wrap (but of course the team makes sure it's known that Penny's slowness affected service). The panel is completely turned off by the catfights and don't like Penny's animosity since people are supposed to like the stars on the network (insert immense laughter here thinking of all the horrible people on the network). Fierce Food Fusion is a hit personality-wise with the people. They love Jyll's shrimp po-boy taco and Vic's burrito and heart and soul. Orchid gets the criticism for being overshadowed and having a subpar dish. Balls on the Roll is chastised for the abuse of ball jokes, especially Whitney who is trying so hard to have a personality that it hurts. Susie is informed that she needs to explain and define her food because if not the people won't get it. The panel loves Jeff's story of the food (as well as the meatball sub itself), but is tired of his hacky comedy. Vic is named the overall winner of the week, with Susie and bitchy Penny as runners-up. Mary Beth, Orchid, and Whitney make up the bottom 3 of the week. Early front runner is Orchid is eliminated from the show.

So You Think You Can Dance - We're in the last episode where you vote for pairs which means we'll all be making the painful choice of supporting Melanie or Marko instead of the pair. Joining Nigel and Mary on the panel this week is Sonja Tayeh and Modern Family's Jesse Tyler Ferguson. There are 2 routines tonight so I'll just do a best/worst routine and not list everything as to not make the longest paragraphs ever.

Best. Louie Van Amstel from Dancing with the Stars choreographs power couple Melanie and Marko in a tango. It is sexy and I love the move where Marko dangled Melanie over the edge of the stage, but the ending with the insane flip is where it's at. Words can't even describe this move- it's so insane! They follow it up with a beautiful contemporary piece, again highlighting their perfection in dance. Sasha and Alexander dance the paso doble clad in black leather. It's strong and powerful with Sasha being the matador (usually the male role), though it loses some steam near the end. Their second dance is a Tyce Diorio piece where they just sort of dance their hearts out and their passion shows; they are definitely in the top 10 now. Jordan plays a vulturous woman preying on Tadd in a Travis Wall piece, and it's nice to see the darker side of Travis. Jordan and Tadd can really shine, which is probably good since their other routine sucked (see next paragraph). Caitlynn is super-hot as a quasi-adulteress and even gets to slap Mitchell across the face, though she gives a lot of dance recital faces that bug me (and Nigel). Jess and Clarice's jive is so fun and happy that it's hard to not enjoy it. Their hip hop was danced well too, but the routine was too hokey for me (sorry Christopher Scott, but I don't think your work on this show is any good).

Worst. Ryan and Rickey do a Broadway routine about a movie poster coming to life. It's danced meh, it's a tad bit dull, not extremely challenging, and doesn't help them since they are unpopular. Their cha cha is fast and Ricky does well, but Ryan is sloppy and they don't have much sexy chemistry so it didn't work well. Caitlynn and Mitchell represent the children of Uganda fighting in war in their hip hop. Ummm yeah. Unlike other routines that take on social issues, this one isn't good and they aren't synchronized. Jordan plays Sleeping Beauty in a Broadway routine to "Out Tonight" from Rent. There's just something that doesn't click about this. The pacing/timing is weird, Jordan makes dumb faces, and it's corny.

Results show! The group performs what seems like an eternity in a ballroom/jazz fusion thing. More importantly, guest judge Jesse Tyler Ferguson foretold the future the night before as Cat Deeley was nominated for an Emmy for best reality show host. The show was also nominated for best reality series and numerous choreographers (Travis Wall, FTW!). The downer of the episode is that 2 dancers will get cut and not get to dance with the All Stars. Who are the All Stars? Well not Alex Wong who snapped his other tendon a week ago. This show really does not want him back in karmic ways. The All Stars are Melody (S1), Allison (S2), my boyfriend Pasha (S3), Twitch, Comfort, Chelsie (S4), Brendon (S5), Kathryn (S6), and Robert (S7).

The bottom 3 couples are Caitlynn/Mitchell, Ryan/Rickey, and Sasha/Alexander. Wait, the one week I finally don't call Alexander awful he ends up in the bottom? Oh world, you amuse me. Alexander's solo is god awful, so bad that I am willing to take a hit in my fantasy team to never see him dance again. Ryan and her giant mouth are eliminated from the girls in a unanimous vote, however the guys vote was 3-1 and Alex is eliminated for his horrendous solo. Well I've wanted him gone for weeks and it's happened. Too bad I didn't put him in any spots to earn some points.

Photo Credits: BuddyTV.com, FoodNetwork.com

July 12, 2011

The Bachelorette: Taiwan't This Season to End Badly

The Bachelorette - Week 7

Ashley continues her world crying tour and quest to stop talking about Bentley all the way to Taiwan. Ashley explains Taiwan is called "the hidden jewel" of Asia because most people don't know about it. Um, we all know where sneakers are made Ashley. Chris Harrison points out there are 6 dudes but only 4 spots left to hometown dates. There's 3 solo dates and 1 group date; only the group date has a rose.

The first date card lets Constantine's "love light shine." This apparently means taking a steam train (not a helicopter) to a tiny village outside of Tai Pei. Despite a previous lack of any connection they hold hands on the train. The train drops them in a tiny town of Ping Shi where they are going to participate in a lantern ceremony where you put wishes into lanterns (love wishes) and let them float into the sky. I am pretty sure Constantine's love wish is to continue his bromance with his long-long twin Ben. Constantine talks a lot about his family, wanting a marriage like theirs, that they're loud. What Ashley likes is that Constantine doesn't force it, which to most of us means "he's just not that into you." I guess he kineda likes her since he listens a lot and thinks hometowns would be his time to shine. Over dinner they release their love lantern and then kiss in the most awkward, unmoving post. Seeing all the lanterns flying into the sky is pretty amazing though. I'm going to pretend each of those lanterns wishes is related to helicopter dates.

Ashley and Ben hop on the deathtrap that is a moped and hold on tight. They kiss on a bridge and it magically transforms into a dressier dinner under the stars. Ben is very anxious to bring Ashley home to meet his mom and sister and also take the relationship to the next level. Ben "cherishes" all the little moments together and then they kiss a bunch more. They take their kiss fest near a rooftop pool (!!) and Ashley lets us know she feels like Ben is her boyfriend. The sun comes up at the hotel and the guys realize Ben still hasn't come home. JP throws a quiet temper tantrum. Ben assures us there was nothing physical and they didn't share a room. The guys are seething. It's delightful.

The group date with Ames, JP, and Lucas is to take wedding photos since people in Taiwan love to do that and girls like to freak out guys with insane commitment-phobe dates. JP whines that he doesn't want to see her in a wedding dress with any other guy. Ames' outfit is amazing: powder blue tux with rhinestones and a peach ruffle shirt. JP gets a sexy tux (which is good for avoiding another tantrum), Lucas gets some authentic Taiwanese outfit. Ashley and Lucas have a traditional Taiwanese setup, probably because they have like zilch chemistry. JP's inner baby starts screaming when she sees Ashley kissing the other guys in their photo. I think I speak for everybody when I say, STFU JP.

They ditch the costumes for their normal date wear for a cocktail party and apps at a hotel, hoping they'll perk up after hating dressing like morons and watching sloppy seconds and thirds. Lucas was bummed he had to wear "a dress" and just had an OK time. He just wants normal clothes time and a chance for hometown dates, though Ashley thinks it could be weird since he was divorced. He's very confident he'll get the rose and they kiss. Ames shares dorky pictures of himself (yes, he was a childhood nerd), which amuses Ashley greatly. JP uses his alone time to whine about Ben getting an all-night date, Lucas kissing her, wah wah wah. JP says this week was "absolutely terrible." Listen, I know the idea of the girl you like dating a ton of dude sucks but um... that's the show. Ashley darts out of the room and gives JP the rose. I guess if you whine enough you can get exactly what you want.

Ashley, who decides a slit up the back of her shirt is hot, and Ryan walk around and talk. Notice a trend of boring dates this year? They also go to a temple where people are chanting, lighting candles and incense, and Ryan thinks this is romantic and intimate to share this together. Weird. They go to a matchmaking wall where they toss some bricks to see if their wishes come true. They land on the same side which means their wish won't come true- ha! Sucks to be Ryan. Then they watch people perform Tai Chi from a staircase. I get that maybe these are more realistic dates but god, what boring television. Ryan is yapping about Ashley meeting his family but she's really not into moving on with him. They share lunch by a pond and Ryan makes awkward conversation about the environment which leads to a dumb story about Ashley not recycling and getting dumped for that, then more environment talk. Ashley looks super bored and is thinking "How do I ditch this dud?" Ashley decides to not drag out this torturous date (maybe her, maybe for the viewers), gets all teary, and dumps him over lunch. Ryan's like, "You don't want to meet my family?!" Nope, she doesn't. No romance or passion, goodbye. He walks away pondering and later sulks and swears behind a tree, and then drags out his elimination for a long boring time.

Ashley has her Chris Harrison paycheck session but already knows what she is going to do so she doesn't need a cocktail party. Cue Lucas saying he's glad there's a cocktail party for someone like him, who is on the fence, to get a little more time. Yeah that can't be good. In no surprise at all, the 4 hometown guys are JP, Ben, Ames, and Constantine, sending Lucas (who?) home. Ashley then cries that maybe she's not cut out for this. The audience agrees.

Closing out the episode, Chris Harrison gets the interview "exclusive" of Emily, who officially has broken up with Brad. Chris notes that "some of the engaged couples break up." Some?! Like 3 have lasted so yeah, great job. She cries a lot about being in that rented mansion with Brad and rose ceremonies and all that fun stuff. Emily explains they are no longer engaged but he'll always be a huge part of her life. She won't shit talk Brad (aw man!) and doesn't want anyone else to either (double aw man!). Doubts seemed to play a large factor and adjusting to being in a relationship as opposed to being single. This interview is Emily's way us telling us (especially the paparazzi) to STFU and leave her alone. No problem!

Next week: Ashley cries in 4 different US states

July 11, 2011

Serving of the Week

7/11/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served No comments

Name: Worst Driver in the Netherlands
SERVED: Hosting a TV show seems like a pretty good gig. You come out, read a few lines, get paid a ton. Someone needs to give Ruben Nicolai a raise.

The host of Worst Driver in the Netherlands was involved in an accicdent on a recent episode when some terrible driver fudged up the course. A contestant, known as Mr. Pim, took his eyes off the road (and by that I mean turned his head totally the wrong way), veered off the course since he hit gas instead of brake, and hit the cameraman and show's host. Nicolai was taken to the hospital with a torn lip and sore shoulder and foot. Good lord, Worst Driver in the Netherlands. Did you never think that maybe putting the host near a bunch of shitty drivers might backfire? SERVED! This is what happens when you put poor drivers out of the road, even if it's a simulated course.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit: Orange News

July 7, 2011

Reality Rundown: Hot Tamale Train to Elimination

Next Food Network StarSo You Think You Can Dance

Food Network Star - The "stars" are brought to the LA food landmark Mel's Diner (like me!) where they are greeted by a bleached porcupine in a red convertible: it's Guy Fieri! Guy explains the Camera Challenge, which is that each of them will host segments of a Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives fake episode. Turns out, everyone is pretty terrible at hosting except Whitney who is likable and natural. Highlights of the worst: Susie makes up words, Penny keeps interrupting the waitress, Jeff's interviewee grows to hate him, and Hipster Justin picks up a hip hop persona.

Magically, it's the Fourth of July in TV land and the Star Challenge is to cook an All American Food Festival sponsored by MGD 64 (more product placement- drink!). They are randomly assigned dishes and it's Orchid who gets most screwed since she gets brisket with merely 2 hours to prep. Along with serving the 150 guests, each "star" needs to do a 3 minute presentation to that crowd. Susie and Vic are the best presenters, getting across personal family stories while also presenting the food. Mary Beth comes across as a pro, with the words flowing smoothly and naturally. Jeff is OTT with a flag cape, guitar and headband. The crowd hates Penny, which is hilarious. Jyll immediately admits Mexican cuisine defeat. Hipster Justin adopts a new personality again, this time of a maybe more annoying Guy Fieri. Even Guy tells him to get a grip, so you know that's not good.

In the judging panel, the top 3 are Susie, Vic, and Jeff. Vic made a more sophisticated lobster roll and had a nice story about his grandmother threatening him with a rolling pin. Jeff's craziness won over the crowd and his pretzel crusted chicken sandwich finally gave him "sandwich king" cred. Susie had a great personal anecdote, spicy ribs, and a really unique and flavorful slaw; she is the winner of the week.

The bottom 2 are Orchid, Jyll, and Justin. Penny almost makes the bottom for being a bitch that the public doesn't like, but her food was too good to eliminate. Orchid's problem is that her brisket wasn't done enough and she's not growing in the competition. Jyll comes off as a frigid TV news anchor and easily admitted defeat for her carne asade. However, Hipster Justin is the one heading out the door for a gross hamburger and his ever-changing personalities.

So You Think You Can Dance - The top 14 perform in front of the massive audience and "esteemed" panel of judges. I'm using quotes because Carmen Electra is a judge this week, so maybe strip aerobics is a genre this week? But the hugest news ever is Travis Wall joins the judging panel for the first time- yay! Some credibility is back!

There are 2 group routines, just like last week. New choreographer Justin Giles crafts a routine for the 7 guys, with each playing a different stage of the grieving process. With spotlights on each guy as they dance their stage of grief, it's a beautiful routine and what I see as the first of many amazing routines by Justin. The girls do a jazz routine of 7 sexy women ridding the world of men. Last week they poisoned them, this week rejoicing at their funeral. Hot? It's a sassy routine to a kind of creepy song; I dig it! I am loving the influx of new choreographers this week. Having these new minds in the mix brings new styles of dancing but also gets us viewers to truly vote for dancing and not our favorite choreographer.

Time for the best! Marko and Melanie play 2 kids who run off to elope in a jazz piece by newbie Ray Leeper. They have red hot chemistry and Melanie earns the title of Travis' favorite dancer in the competition. Clarice and Jess team up with Justin Giles (2 routines in a week for the newbie!) for a contemporary piece about a couple whose relationship is ending. This is a dance this couple really needed to show they can be serious and emotional when they dance, especially dance clown Jess. Ryan and Ricky perform a jazz routine by Chucky Klapow (not related to the Chucky doll) about "cult of fashion" members. I'm expecting Party Monster club kids and am so excited. It's 80's glam to David Bowie's "Fashion" and I love its quirkiness. Caitlynn and Mitchell fall in love in a Mandy Moore contemporary routine. There's such a happy energy with spins, lifts, and passion. Such a refreshing change from all the breakup routines tonight! Favorite of the night!

And the bottom. In a smooth waltz choreographed by Toni Redpath, Jordan plays a singing siren (like a mermaid) seducing Tadd. It's danced very well and a pretty routine, but maybe not exciting or memorable enough to lock in votes. It's not that they were bad, just not the best. Sasha needs a new partner stat, as Alexander totally brings her down in a hip hop routine by another new choreographer, Shaun Evaristo. The dance is Alexander trying to get a kiss but with his horrible moves and the lack of chemistry, it's a definite no. Ashley and Chris join yet another new choreographer, Liz Lira, for a sexy salsa. I know I harp on them every week, but it stinks and is sloppy, not sexy.

Results show! The group performs an energetic Bollywood routine with costumes in every color of the rainbow. Enough fun, let's get to the soul crushing. The bottom 3 couples are Chris/Ashley, Jordan/Tadd, and Ryan/Ricky. Sasha is clearly carrying Alexander, and I'm pissed cause they fudged up my fantasy scores. Time filler: Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet performs, more talk of that dumb National Dance Day, and a performance by Florence and the Machine. To get the best fantasy points I'd like Chris gone, but his solo is slammin'. Heading home for the girls is Ashley, though warnings are given to the remaining girls to step up their dancin'. Despite an amazing solo, Chris' work with choreography sends him home with his partner.

Photo Credits: BuddyTV.com, FoodNetwork.com