July 26, 2011

The Bachelorette: Hit It and Quit It- Helicopter Date Edition

The Bachelorette - Week 9

Ashley and her final 3 fly away from their hometowns all the way to Fiji. Only 3 dates and 2 hours? I think it's time for this show to concoct some fake drama!

As Ashley ponders life while leaning on a railing and writing on page 2 of her journal (this has been some journey, huh?!) there's a knock on the door. That goofus loser Ryan returns to try and win Ashley's affections back. Because remember all those passionate moments they shared together?? No? Me neither. This show is running out of twists to recycle. Ryan said he went home, back to work, and decided he couldn't leave an open-end on something so he called Chris Harrison (yeah right) to get Ashley's location. Ryan wants more time with Ashley if she's ever, ever regretted sending him home in Taiwan. Ryan slips Ashley his address on a piece of paper in case she wants to spend time with him. I bet Ashley will write another 4 sentences in her massive journal summing up this craziness. Now onto the guys she hasn't already dumped yet.

Ashley meets Ben on the docks for a private boat excursion. They drink pineapple drinks, talk about the hometown date, and then the old rubbing sunscreen on your chest to get to second base trick. Ashley gets some herself by straddling Ben to apply sunscreen. Get a room! After all the effort of applying sunscreen, they wash it all off by diving into the crystal clear water to snorkel. After a day of making out of the boat, they rinse off, change clothes, and share a romantic beachside dinner. Ben's all nerves because he's ready to tell Ashley he loves her tonight- duh duh dunnnn. Ashley tells Ben she could really see herself with him forever, they've had a perfect day, and Ben says someone has to fully commit to this. He awkwardly gets in to say he's on his way to "the whole 'I love you thing'." Ashley whips out the Fantasy Suite card to forgo their single rooms to shack up together and bone, I mean talk, all night. They head to the beautiful suite with a big bed looking over the most gorgeous lit blue pool ever. They make out a lot and Ashley lets us viewers know she's falling in love with him.

Date #2 is the data I have been waiting for all season: HELICOPTER DATE!!! H.R.E.A.M.!! Constantine joins Ashley in a helicopter painted with hibiscus flowers and he gets more excited than me for the helicopter. Cue fantastic editing of a sad Ryan looking up into the sky as if Ashley and Constantine flew over him. At some point the helicopter lands and they trek to a beautiful waterfall to go cliff jumping. Ashley can tell Constantine is super slow at things, pointing out that it took him over 100 home visits to pick the perfect home for him. Like he just now realized he missed Ashley whereas JP has been a superstalker since week 2. Ashley digs Constantine but he's too slow for her; a bit of a Slowski! They dine under a thatched roof where they discuss Ben and Constantine's friendship, bromance if you will. Ashley wonders if it's weird for friends to date the same girl (uh, yeah) but Constantine doesn't want to come in the way of Ben and Ashley's feelings. This date is going nowhere very slowly. Constantine knows he is nowhere close to being ready to propose to Ashley in a week's time and tells her straight-up. Constantine declines the Fantasy Suite card because he respects her and wouldn't take her to the bone zone if he wasn't falling in love with her. Constantine says it's the end of the road for him (exact words) and Ashley respects him keeping it real. Ashley looks at the key to the Fantasy Suite knowing she is not getting laid tonight.

As these dates go on, Ryan has been chilling alone in Fiji. Yes, days pass before there is any sort of response. I would give this show a standing ovation if Ashley totally stood Ryan up and never showed. After getting dumped by Constantine, Ashley decides to visit Ryan at that hotel he is totally not paying for to see if there's something still there and by that I mean, setting Ryan up to be the next jilted guy turned Bachelor lead. Ashley admits letting him go was the hardest dumping she did and his coming to Fiji (cause producers told him to) shows what a good guy he is. Bad news though, she knows dumping him was the right decision so enjoy the free Fiji vacation cause she's gonna go bone JP and Ben now. Ryan wonders if he'll ever find love and is hurt to hear no again. Ughhh if he's the Bachelor next season, sorry folks, but I'm NOT recapping or watching that shit.

On Ashley's date with JP, they are picked up by a sea plane or as I call it, the poor man's helicopter date. The flight is spent kissing, holding hands, and looking down at the purdy water. They land on quiet, private island where they continue to hug, kiss, and talk on the beach and in the water. JP is just ready to be picked and move on with it, which is the same shit he's said since week 2 so nothing new. They share a romantic dinner is a jungle setting and I pray the Smoke Monster comes out and kills them. I miss you, Lost. Ashley lets JP know she dumped 2 guys this week (JP gets so excited for a sec that he's already been picked). She explains that Constantine and her mutually parted ways and the paid-by-producers-to-return Ryan got dumped twice. You still have one mop-top to fend off, JP! JP was more terrified the plague of Bentley came back. JP wants Ashley to be his wife and hopes the feelings and reciprocated. Reciprocated in the Fantasy Suite- bone zone time! They head to a gorgeous jungle villa that I want to live in forever and then ruins it by having Ashley change into just a men's white shirt and her undies. Gross. Just let them

In paycheck time, Chris Harrison does his job as Ashley's BFF and confidante to talk about her dates. There is still a rose ceremony in case either guy has a change of heart. Ashley tells the guys about getting dumped by Constantine and asks them to think hard about the rose and only accept if they see an engagement and future. Guess what, they both take roses- duh. Waste of time!

Next week: the men tell all on Sunday, Ashley cries while picking a guy on Monday.