July 17, 2011

Reality Rundown: Space Milk Mountain

7/17/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Big Brother 13 - Week 1

Julie Chen, free of the baby that lived in her womb last season, lets us know dynamic duos "ruled Big Brother." Duh Julie, we read the spoilers ages ago. Eight strangers are entering the house thinking they're solo players, but will instead be forced to pick a partner to play this game with. We learn about the 8 houseguests, including virgin mama's boy Dominic, model Cassi, deacon Keith, metalhead Adam, and extremely annoying Lawon, to name a few. Porsche, who seems annoying, smartly notes there's only 8 people there. After picking beds it becomes obvious that there's more beds and place-settings than people in the house. So who's entering the house? We'll see.

In introductions, Keith claims he's a matchmaker instead of a god lover. Adam admits he loves Beverly Hills 90210 and bacon. Shelly, the token old lady, gets to say nothing but she's a wife and mom. Kalia is a writer who loves Kahlua. Dominic is a model, business-major; she ladies be digging him. Porsche was named after the car, of course, and says she's a student instead of a VIP cocktail waitress. Smart move cause no one wants to be known as a whore. Lawon loves to have fun and will only have nicknames for people. Cassi says she's a stylist assistant instead of a model so that people won't get the "I'm better than you" stigma. But looming at everyone's minds is who else is entering the house?

BUT FIRST, the HGs learn that they will have a partner of their choosing. Additional twist: if your partner wins HOH, you are both safe however you don't nominate individuals, you nominate a duo. Then a duo must campaign against each other to stay in the game. Keith immediately partners with Porsche. The rest of the partners are: Cassi and Shelly, Dominic and Adam, Lawon and Kalia. But the game gets interesting again and more pairs enter the game in the form of ex-HGs who enter via the ominous doorbell. Because this show hates me to death, Brendon and Rachel enter the house first. To balance out the evil, America's sweethearts Jeff and Jordan enter to welcome arms. Then the doorbell rings again and in walks Evil Dick and his daughter Danielle, now brunette. Break out the pots and pans!! Turns out Dick and Danielle haven't spoken in 3 years, so this should be good times! Unless it's all a ruse, then it's brilliant.

The HGs magically transport in time for the first Head of Household (HOH) competition. The challenge is to hold onto a giant banana as long as possible; pair that lasts the longest wins. To keep it interesting, they shoot "chocolate" at them which looks like exploding diarrhea. Shelly falls first, part of the strategy for her/Cassi to appear as lesser threats. The newbies aren't good at grabbing bananas, with Porsche being the last newbie remaining as whipped cream begins to splooge out at them. Porsche drops, leaving Rachel, Dick, and Danielle as the last 3 hanging. Dick wants to make a deal with Rachel, so they agree to drop for her to win HOH. How appropriate that the huge skank wins a banana grabbin' contest.

Post-HOH comp, Julie gathers the gang in the living for one last twist. It turns out that getting nominated as a duo is awesome: one person goes home, the surviving person gets "the Big Brother Golden Key" which guarantees a spot in the top 10. The people who survive their partner eviction in the first 4 weeks can't be nominated until 10 remain in the house and they don't have to compete in any challenges and still get to vote. Yeah, kinda awesome.

The house dynamic changes with the reveal of the Golden Key with everyone desperate to win one. Brendon and Rachel call this the ultimate floater since they are still completely obsessed with floaters. Dani and Dick puts aside their differences because they know their outside beef doesn't matter when it comes to playing the game. Porsche immediately tells her partner Keith she wants to get in with the veterans, while he'd prefer to stick with their original 8. Dominic later proposes to Cassie an alliance with Keith and Lawon, one from each duo, allowing them to keep some numbers. Dominic gets most excited about the naming of the alliance, which they call The Regulators.

Everyone kisses HOH Rachel's ass, with the HOH room tour. The veterans convene shortly after to become an alliance, while also considering which newbie to bring to their side to have the numbers. Their goal is to turn all the pairs against each other, leaving them vulnerable. Rachel continues to be Rachel, wondering if Cassi has a nose job or Botox, and Brendon wanting her to be natural and beautiful, you know except her big fake titties. GAG.

Since the vets want a newbie on their side, Dick takes Porsche aside since she did well in the HOH competition. Dick lets her know that he'll bring her on board for their votes and that if she gets HOH she'll have to put up a newbie. One problem: Dick still hasn't checked to see if her alliance wants Porsche in the fold. Porsche lets Keith know the plan, which Keith knows is dumb and relays this to his Regulators.

The first Have/Have Not competition commences, with the HGs dressed as futurist colorful cows with milkman hats in outerspace. Lawon accurately calls it Space Milk Mountain. They have to roll around in a pool of milk and get squeezed out to fill up jugs. In true Big Brother fashion, it involves a lot of perverse humping to squeeze out the milk. It's like a nasty milk orgy. The Have Nots end up being Lawon, Kalia, Shelly, and Cassi. Guess Keith's creepy humping paid off. Along with the lack of food, the Have Nots get a creepy padded bedroom but at least there's really cots this year. Oh but the lights never get turned off- enjoy sleeping, jerks.

The veterans have the ol' "We have to win HOH!" talk and decide to try to get Adam on their side since he's a starstruck fan. Not looking good for Porsche, eh? When Dick starts whispering to Adam, he's a little suspect because being liked amongst these super cool veterans is too good to be true. In the HOH room, Dick tells Adam if he goes on the block, don't freak out, they're giving him the Golden Ticket in exchange for his votes, POV throwing, not nominating vets, etc. Rachel begins hashing out not really who needs to go, but who needs to stay. Adam's adoration is a reason to keep him around, while Keith is a dangerous player but keeping Porsche for another 3 weeks is a sucky option too. Cue Dick to enter the HOH room to day Porsche is down for being their puppet. Rachel fills up the wheel of keys to announce her nominations, leaving the cliffhanger to Keith/Porsche and Adam/Dominic. Rachel nominates Keith and Porsche for eviction, citing gameplay and says "Welcome to Big Brother you guys." The plan from the vets is to eliminate Keith and give Porsche the Golden Key.

Porsche is surprised her agreement with Dick didn't keep her safe and Keith think he's safe due to his shittily named alliance. Dick loves these nominations since he came up with them. Porsche heads up to the HOH room and cries, eventhough she's too dumb to realize she's getting a sweet deal for a Golden Key. The vets aren't really too keen on Dick bringing Porsche into the fold cause she sucks. Meanwhile, Keith is rejoicing in his nomination and wants to throw the Power of Veto (POV) competition, trusting the lameass Regulators to keep him safe.

As the game heats up, Dick gets called into the Diary Room and as time flies and he's nowhere to be seen, the house gets suspicious. Big Brother, being so considerate, tells Dick's daughter Danielle nothing and takes hours to call Rachel into the DR. Rachel returns with a note from Big Brother that informs them Dick had to leave the game for an urgent personal matter. Since Danielle lost her partner, she is given the first Golden Key; she's guaranteed a spot in the top 10 but won't be competing in any competitions for the next few weeks. Danielle is sobbing, not knowing why her dad who lives for this show would leave. She feels screwed, the group feels screwed, and Brendon pretends to be super tough like he's going to call out Keith for being happy that he might be safe in the game (he's not). That's right: no one cares about the emergency, it's all about themselves.

Keith is getting a wee bit too excited about the possibility he might be safe, alienating the whole house by being arrogant. Keith decides to be the "hero" and expose Porsche and Kalia for working with the veterans. Instead of "hero" Keith comes off as "crazy paranoid rambling guy." The crappy part is Keith is right, he just went about it the entirely wrong way.

Brendon/Rachel, Porsche/Keith, and Jeff/Jordan are the 3 teams that get to compete for the POV. It's not competing much since both Keith and Porsche, who if you recall are the 2 people who are up for elimination, decide to throw it. Neither knows the other is throwing it, so they're both internally laughing at the other while we laugh that they are both complete morons. In unitards, speedos, and capes, the HGs fly on wires as superheroes to complete a skyscraper veto puzzle. Surprise, Jordan is too dumb to do a puzzle and do worse than Keith/Porsche who fucking threw the contest. Brendon and Rachel easily win the veto and then brag about it. You beat a team that didn't try- great work, shitheads.

Rachel and Brendon have even more power, meaning they're bigger turds. The question becomes whether to leave nominations the same or change them. They do choose to use this as leverage to make a shitload of deals for next week's safety for their entire alliance. Are these people seriously enough to let an alliance of 5 continue to skate by? (yes, yes they are). Everyone of course says yes out of fear and ass-kissing. Cassi is the only person who dares question the veterans, pointing out Jeff/Jordan and Brenchel being pairs that would watch out for themselves first. How dare Cassi have concerns?! Ultimately, Rachel and Brendon choose to not use the veto and leave nominations the same.

The first live eviction episode features Julie is a pale pink suit and using the horrible phrase "Returners" to describe the veteran players. BUT FIRST we must sit through what happened in the house since the veto ceremony, which is both Keith and Porsche believing they are safe and preparing for the inevitable shit-talking. Dominic, Cassi, and Lawon want to keep Keith and figure Kalia and Adam will vote with them. The vets want to keep Porsche but know they need a swing vote to allow Rachel to break the tie. So the vets begin a plan to befriend the newbies, including a drinking game called Big Booty, to get votes. The newbies aren't 100% dumb and know when the vets come out of HOH room exile it's just to try and make good with the noobs. Then Brendon gets mad that Rachel reveals their stupid pet name and this leads into lots of Brenchel coverage which I don't care to recap.

After the Boo-key fight, Brendon tries to sway Shelly to their side. Jeff does the same, but goes for Adam since Dick initially approached Adam for the alliance. They decide to be really condescending and will give him the honor of naming the so-called alliance. They all giggle at the idea of Adam's Angels, which is more hilarious since Keith's plan coming into the house was to have a Keith's Angels alliance. Cassi is pushing hard to keep Keith, but Kalia and Shelly just want to be where the numbers are because they are floaters.

Dick is able to record a video message that features really poor editing on CBS' behalf where he says he's sorry to leave but had to, sad he can't attempt to get along with his daughter for a summer, and will watch the feeds. Julie decides to make it super awkward by asking Danielle if she'd say "I love you" to her dad. Seriously Julie? This is why you don't get the Emmy noms. The HGs also get to see video of the Have/Have Not competition including Keith's O face. Shelly and Kalia jump ship to the veteran's side and Keith is evicted and Porsche gets a golden key. He's shocked but it's not completely surprising since Keith was so paranoid.

The HOH competition is "just like miniature golf" because it IS mini golf. Danielle and Porsche have Golden Keys so they can't compete and neither can outgoing HOH Rachel. Ughhhh, Jordan wins HOH which means the stupid vets are safe to hide away in the HOH room another week. Dreading the next week of ass-kissing.