July 19, 2011

The Bachelorette: The One Where We Learn JP Had a Sweet Mullet

The Bachelorette - Week 8

Ashley stops crying internationally to return stateside and hopefully cry all across the great United States. In order to fill time, Ashley recaps why she like all of her final 4 by using the phrase "unique" a lot.

Ashley's first stop is Constantine's hometown in Georgia where they greet with a weird hug and no kisses because they have zero chemistry. Now that Constantine got a free trip around the world he's open to trying this relationship thing. Constantine takes Ashley to the Italian restaurant he owns. When making pizza Ashley tries to shove Constantine on top of it, cause he's her favorite topping. Get it?! Don't worry if you don't cause Constantine didn't at first either. All the waitresses spy on Constantine and Ashley having the unsexiest, least passionate kiss ever. Open your mouth and move your head a little, ya goof. Later, Constantine brings Ashley to his family's home to meet his mom, dad, and sister. Constantine's family is already planning a party to celebrate Constantine and Ashley's inevitable return as an engaged couple (good luck with that party). His mom makes sure it's known that Ashley will probably have to relocate because god forbid the female dominate a relationship on this show. Has the guy ever relocated for the woman in the history of this franchise? Exactly. Off my tangent, Constantine's dad says don't rush into things, which makes Ashley's jokes about moving in much funnier (OK, exaggerating). In a last minute surprise, that party mentioned earlier comes to fruition and it's a big fat Greek reality show party. It's just like that episode of Full House where Stavros and Papouli come to visit, except I don't recall anyone throwing dollar bills at the Tanners when they danced.

Next up is Ames' hometown in Pennsylvania, which allows him to dress in a rugged flannel because they live in countryside. More importantly, Ames puts his hands on his hips, which lifts the flannel and exposes his poorly tucked in boxers. Ashley meets Ames' mom, siblings, and nieces and nephews. It's yet another family reunion. A very smitten Ames gets to also recap getting knocked the fuck out in Thailand and going to the hospital- good times! Next to the indoor pool (!!), Ames' sister wonders if Ashley is reciprocating the feelings Ames has. Ashley admits it's a slower moving relationship and it's good in a different way and the compares him to an onion. The onion reveals some sad family history, which shows why he's a little stand-offish compared to the other guys, well except Constantine who is standing on another planet to stay away from Ashley in physical ways. The slowness of the relationship keeps coming up, which should be a red flag right away. Ames' sister encourages him to step up the romantic side of him, so he takes her to a garden full of magnolia trees with a picnic basket. Ames says he can't think of anything more romantic than this and obviously he has never been on a helicopter date. Obviously. After discussing Ames nerdiness and stuff Ames lays on another of his weirdly aggressive kisses and lets us know he's totally falling in love with Ashley and maybe next time they're here they'll be engaged. Oh hi, negative foreshadowing.

Time to get yo drank on at Ben's Sonoma, California winery. Ashley's inner crunkness is delighted at the sight of all the wine barrels. They share some fresh wine, have a picnic, and share quick kisses that aren't going to knock Ashley's head off. Ben explains the importance of his mother and sister (and meeting them) and reminisces about his dead dad and how he would've loved Ashley too. While Ben and Constantine look like twins separated at birth, thankfully his mother and sister bear no resemblance to Constantine. Ben's sister explained she signed him up for the show which seems like a nice gesture but if you make it to the end and get totally heartbroken, must suck to be the person who signed you up for it. Ben tells his sister how Ashley has really gotten him to open up, while Ashley asks a lot of questions about his hair. Ben and his mom talk about his dad watching down and it's sad and not a hometown date I can totally rip into. I can't imagine this franchise isn't thinking Ben would be a good Bachelor should he not get picked by Ashley.

Across the country Ashley goes to visit JP in rainy New York, so he plans an indoor date: rollerskating! My memories of rollerskating include getting the paddle scanner at Skate Time for guns and rollerskating around to Shanice's "I Love Your Smile" and coming up with innovative poses to win "Freeze Skate." No, I never won. They skate a little, kiss under a disco ball, and skate until JP falls to the ground. Ashley's main question is how JP has gone so long without a long lasting relationship, but he's just sure he wants to be with her. JP brings Ashley to meet his parents, brother, and brother's girlfriend. JP's mom wants to make sure he's not headed for heartbreak again, and when probed if he is in love with her, JP gives an all signs pointing towards yes. Like a Magic 8 ball. JP's mom then gives a veiled threat that Ashley better not break his heart. The icing on the cake is the reveal of JP's bar mitzvah self portrait, with signatures all over his Doogie Howser mullet. Hot!

Ashley meets with Chris Harrison to recap the dates and hand him a paycheck. They laugh over her past Bentley obsession like old chums do. But who gives a shit, who gets roses and heads off for super sexy Fantasy Suite dates? Ben, JP, and Constantine get to jetset across the world while Ames gets a coach flight (and probably Southwest general boarding and doesn't even get a chance to check in 24 hours in advance for A group boarding so he has to wait at the end with the C group) back to Pennsylvania. Or maybe the next flight to the Bachelor Pad? Yaaaay!

Next week: return of the helicopter date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Photo Credit: ABC.com