July 12, 2011

The Bachelorette: Taiwan't This Season to End Badly

The Bachelorette - Week 7

Ashley continues her world crying tour and quest to stop talking about Bentley all the way to Taiwan. Ashley explains Taiwan is called "the hidden jewel" of Asia because most people don't know about it. Um, we all know where sneakers are made Ashley. Chris Harrison points out there are 6 dudes but only 4 spots left to hometown dates. There's 3 solo dates and 1 group date; only the group date has a rose.

The first date card lets Constantine's "love light shine." This apparently means taking a steam train (not a helicopter) to a tiny village outside of Tai Pei. Despite a previous lack of any connection they hold hands on the train. The train drops them in a tiny town of Ping Shi where they are going to participate in a lantern ceremony where you put wishes into lanterns (love wishes) and let them float into the sky. I am pretty sure Constantine's love wish is to continue his bromance with his long-long twin Ben. Constantine talks a lot about his family, wanting a marriage like theirs, that they're loud. What Ashley likes is that Constantine doesn't force it, which to most of us means "he's just not that into you." I guess he kineda likes her since he listens a lot and thinks hometowns would be his time to shine. Over dinner they release their love lantern and then kiss in the most awkward, unmoving post. Seeing all the lanterns flying into the sky is pretty amazing though. I'm going to pretend each of those lanterns wishes is related to helicopter dates.

Ashley and Ben hop on the deathtrap that is a moped and hold on tight. They kiss on a bridge and it magically transforms into a dressier dinner under the stars. Ben is very anxious to bring Ashley home to meet his mom and sister and also take the relationship to the next level. Ben "cherishes" all the little moments together and then they kiss a bunch more. They take their kiss fest near a rooftop pool (!!) and Ashley lets us know she feels like Ben is her boyfriend. The sun comes up at the hotel and the guys realize Ben still hasn't come home. JP throws a quiet temper tantrum. Ben assures us there was nothing physical and they didn't share a room. The guys are seething. It's delightful.

The group date with Ames, JP, and Lucas is to take wedding photos since people in Taiwan love to do that and girls like to freak out guys with insane commitment-phobe dates. JP whines that he doesn't want to see her in a wedding dress with any other guy. Ames' outfit is amazing: powder blue tux with rhinestones and a peach ruffle shirt. JP gets a sexy tux (which is good for avoiding another tantrum), Lucas gets some authentic Taiwanese outfit. Ashley and Lucas have a traditional Taiwanese setup, probably because they have like zilch chemistry. JP's inner baby starts screaming when she sees Ashley kissing the other guys in their photo. I think I speak for everybody when I say, STFU JP.

They ditch the costumes for their normal date wear for a cocktail party and apps at a hotel, hoping they'll perk up after hating dressing like morons and watching sloppy seconds and thirds. Lucas was bummed he had to wear "a dress" and just had an OK time. He just wants normal clothes time and a chance for hometown dates, though Ashley thinks it could be weird since he was divorced. He's very confident he'll get the rose and they kiss. Ames shares dorky pictures of himself (yes, he was a childhood nerd), which amuses Ashley greatly. JP uses his alone time to whine about Ben getting an all-night date, Lucas kissing her, wah wah wah. JP says this week was "absolutely terrible." Listen, I know the idea of the girl you like dating a ton of dude sucks but um... that's the show. Ashley darts out of the room and gives JP the rose. I guess if you whine enough you can get exactly what you want.

Ashley, who decides a slit up the back of her shirt is hot, and Ryan walk around and talk. Notice a trend of boring dates this year? They also go to a temple where people are chanting, lighting candles and incense, and Ryan thinks this is romantic and intimate to share this together. Weird. They go to a matchmaking wall where they toss some bricks to see if their wishes come true. They land on the same side which means their wish won't come true- ha! Sucks to be Ryan. Then they watch people perform Tai Chi from a staircase. I get that maybe these are more realistic dates but god, what boring television. Ryan is yapping about Ashley meeting his family but she's really not into moving on with him. They share lunch by a pond and Ryan makes awkward conversation about the environment which leads to a dumb story about Ashley not recycling and getting dumped for that, then more environment talk. Ashley looks super bored and is thinking "How do I ditch this dud?" Ashley decides to not drag out this torturous date (maybe her, maybe for the viewers), gets all teary, and dumps him over lunch. Ryan's like, "You don't want to meet my family?!" Nope, she doesn't. No romance or passion, goodbye. He walks away pondering and later sulks and swears behind a tree, and then drags out his elimination for a long boring time.

Ashley has her Chris Harrison paycheck session but already knows what she is going to do so she doesn't need a cocktail party. Cue Lucas saying he's glad there's a cocktail party for someone like him, who is on the fence, to get a little more time. Yeah that can't be good. In no surprise at all, the 4 hometown guys are JP, Ben, Ames, and Constantine, sending Lucas (who?) home. Ashley then cries that maybe she's not cut out for this. The audience agrees.

Closing out the episode, Chris Harrison gets the interview "exclusive" of Emily, who officially has broken up with Brad. Chris notes that "some of the engaged couples break up." Some?! Like 3 have lasted so yeah, great job. She cries a lot about being in that rented mansion with Brad and rose ceremonies and all that fun stuff. Emily explains they are no longer engaged but he'll always be a huge part of her life. She won't shit talk Brad (aw man!) and doesn't want anyone else to either (double aw man!). Doubts seemed to play a large factor and adjusting to being in a relationship as opposed to being single. This interview is Emily's way us telling us (especially the paparazzi) to STFU and leave her alone. No problem!

Next week: Ashley cries in 4 different US states


Ashley said...

Yo'! That wrap-up is dope! So on the $$, girl! It is so painfully, truthfully awful (only because it's marginally better than watching paint dry), and I'm not sure why we suffer through it, mama? Is it the same kind of thing as checking out roadkill? Great recap, Mel! xoxoxoxo