August 2, 2011

The Bachelorette: Ashley and JP Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

The Bachelorette
FinaleAfter the Final Rose

Finale - Ashley says she's getting closer to the "happy ending that I always dreamed of" so we're starting the night off with laughs. Ashley's family gets their freebie trip around the world to join her in Fiji and meet the two men that could be her fiance. Ashley recaps the journey to her family and wonders which guy she should pick, but admits she is in love. Ashley's tattoed sister Chrystie starts doing some major foreshadowing of she better like them or she'll let it be known.

JP meets Ashley's family first and he thinks once Ashley's family sees how happy they are together they'll get it. It's hard to anyone to make a good first impression when you're sweatinglike a prostitute whore in church; damn you Fiji heat. It starts as laughs and booze but you can see Chrystie's kiiiiinda not digging JP, I guess cause he's not hilarious. Inside the house, while crushin' White Russians, Chrystie tells Ashley JP isn't the one and doesn't see it. The sister worries he's older, demure and Ashley's too much for him; Ashley bursts into tears. Ashley really needed the JP validation from her sister and knows Ben will be adored tomorrow, so obvs she wants to pick JP but needs her family to OK it because she's stuck between her heart and her head.

Chrystie talks to JP alone and explains her skepticism. She does see "it" and questions the relationship and what makes JP want to be with her longterm. A good question is asked: why is this older guy single and with the much younger sister? Touche! JP is flustered and even more red-faced. Chrystie really goes for the balls when she says Ashley and Brad had more chemistry. Ouch! JP and Ashley convene and he's afraid it might change the way Ashley feels. So America loves JP, Ashley's sister not so much. Ashley never officially says she won't be swayed by her family, so JP's a total wreck (as usual).

Ashley gives Chrystie a warning on the beach before Ben arrives: calm the fuck down. Chrystie doesn't want to be convinced to like JP and sees Ashley on the defense. Ashley doesn't want her sister to her a harsh, nasty bitch to the guys. Chrystie isn't going to sugarcoat it for Ashley and just praise JP to the high heavens. She thinks Ashley doesn't want an opinion but agreement. It's a whinefest and exactly the tears we were expecting in a finale episode, except she hasn't even dumped a dude yet.

Finally the family gets to meet Ben and of course Chrystie much prefers Ben over JP. See, she isn't a nasty bitch to everyone- just the bald one. Ashley and Ben are more compatible on a personality level- both very funny and have humorous banter. Ben's dog voice wins over Ashley's clan; I prefer his weird monster-ish voice to Ashley's high pitched one. Schroeder is indifferent as he watches with me. Chrystie and Ben's solo chat is far more positive and she sees the Ashley she knows around Ben. Ben tells Chrystie he is in love with Ashley and feels they're best friends with much more. Ashley is happy that today's go-round wasn't the shitshow that was meeting JP. Ashley is torn more than ever.

Ben shows up in a Joey Jeremiah fedora for his last date with Ashley. Because it's the finale and because this show loves me, they fly in a helicopter to their destination!! H.R.E.A.M.!! Ben is excited too, as he reveals to Ashley he was hoping for a helicopter date. Me too, Ben, me too. Their date is a healing mudbath so they get into their bathing suits to indulge in an activity pigs do for pleasure. Ben says that "lubing yourself up with mud is quite... erotic." Erotic is a creepy word, right? They later get one last goodbye before the final rose ceremony, which is usually the time where the guy gives the girl a terribly thrown together arts and crafts project style gift. Ashley comes to Ben's hotel room and proposes a toast to "everything being well received." Insert sexual joke here. Ben tells Ashley he is in love with her and she responds with some kisses, which he feels are his way of saying she loves him back. But wait, no present? Boo!

The next day, Ashley greets JP with a kiss on the beach and they head up a staircase in the woods to a secluded sort of bench thing to talk. JP doesn't like Ashley's sister being such a H8R. JP thinks his sister is wrong for judging them and insists she is wrong. This is the least fun final date ever. JP lets Ashley in on the most obvious news ever: he's madly in love with her. They make out far standing up than Ashley and Ben did on a bed. At the hotel later, JP gives Ashley a photo album with some romantic notes to her in it. JP loses points when the note inside says "I love you baby" and signs it "J", because JP is too tedious to write.

Ashley puts on her yellowest bikini to walk down the beach and recap her feelings for Ben and JP for the 90th time. The guys spend the day getting their free engagement ring from Neil Lane and even when it's free, Neil Lane is trying to be an upseller. Ashley gets all dolled up in a pale pink gown with some feathery bottoms, while JP and Ben throw on some fly-ass suites and take sea planes to propose to the woman they both love. But who will Ashley pick? Hmmm.

Ashley stands on her sort of plywood deck/dock thing covered in tropical flowers and prepares to crush a man's hopes and dreams. Well, I think she's more excited for the picking the guy she wants to marry over the dumping part but that's more fun to write. Plane #1 lands and out walks... Ben. Ben can't wait to propose and for Ashley to say yes, so this is maybe the saddest thing ever to watch, especially when he brings up his dead dad. God this makes me even want to cry a little. Ashley starts to talk but Ben interrupts and gives a speech about loving her, thanking her for letting him feel vulnerable and open, and he gets down on one knee to propose and asks "Will you marry me and make me the happiest man on earth?" HOLY AWKWARD. Even Deanna stopped the proposal before it happened. Ben is shocked and crushed, and while Ashley gives a little explanation, he walks away. Ashley chases after him to explain everything and he brushes off her sugarcoating of the situation. He's in disbelief and wishes a sarcastic good life with JP. Ben thinks JP is the safer bet and that's why she chose JP over him. Oh Ben, I'd much prefer you to be the new Bachelor over Ryan.

JP's sea plane flies over the rejected Ben in a boat and shortly lands to get the verdict. Ashley is ready to take the leap of faith with JP. When Ashley greets JP with "Hey Handsome" and a kiss, I think JP knows he's in for an easy afternoon. As the sun sets over the gorgeous beaches of Fiji, JP makes his speech which mentions his fear of being rejected again but needs to take a leap of faith. Ashley tells JP she loves him too and wants to be with him and they kiss a bunch more. He gets down on one knee and with the Neil Lane box open towards camera for that last product placement, he asks Ashley to marry him and she says yes. A "romantic montage" of Ashley and JP's relationship is set to "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" and holy shit is this an awful song choice. JP gets his last and final rose and then they make out even more. Sense a pattern? More importantly, someone better call Chrystie for some damage control, stat!

After the Final Rose - The show kicks off by bringing Ben out on stage and his hair looks clean, which is always good. Because just recapping the proposal gone-wrong isn't bad enough, Chris makes Ben re-watch that horrendous moment. Ben says it sucked and it was so hard to literally pick himself up off one knee after getting rejected. Ben also had a shitty flight back, with tons of layovers, and oh yeah, having to watch people get married and be happily in love. Ashley comes out on stage so that Ben can get some closure and ask some questions. When asked when did she know JP was the one, she doesn't give a good answer. Ashley was hurt that she had to be so terrible and dump him, and Ben said when he was dumped he was angry but thinks he had some dignity on the way out. He does thank Ashley for opening him up to love and life again and has no regrets. Ashley throws out the let's be friends forever line and he's like ohhh yeah, but c'mon, dude is hurt. Ben is ready to move on and find love, hopefully on The Bachelor so we aren't stuck with Ryan.

Chris interviews Ashley alone and she admits she was surprised that Ben's reaction to the dumping was anger. Um, really? Seriously? After interviewing Ashley alone (and like a 20 minute preview of Take the Money and Run) and talking about nothing we care about, they bring JP out to join his lady-love (who BTW has a much-improved hair color). It's a much cheerier after than Brad and Emily's ATFR. They're sooo in love and can't wait to make-out in public. The hot topic of the night is sister Chrystie's hatred of JP and she's in the audience and still doesn't look pleased in the audience. Chrystie feels like a jerk for being so terrible to JP after watching the season, but she had her reasons to judge because she was just being a big sister. Ashley is finishing up dental school and then moving to New York City to live with JP and to cap it off, the show gives them another free trip to Fiji. Well let's hope it works for these two love birds! More importantly, I'll see you all for the shitshow that is Bachelor Pad 2.