August 9, 2011

Bachelor Pad 2: I'm Going to Take a Jake and Wipe My Pavelka

8/09/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 2 comments
Bachelor Pad 2: Week 1

Do you like backstabbing? Do you like audible sobbing? Do you like a bunch of famewhores banging around on TV? Welcome to Bachelor Pad 2!

Who is on this season? "Rated R" Justin who had a girlfriend back at home. Boring Jackie who only got a spine during the reunion to get on this show, as well as Michelle Money the bitch of Brad's season. Gia, who lost last season of Bachelor Pad pretty much for not hooking up with someone cause she had a boyfriend, returns with a hatred for her former best friend Vienna who hooked up with "They Say Love Don't Come Easy" Wes. Vienna, ex-fiance to lamest Bachelor ever Jake and huge bitch, comes on the show with her boyfriend "guard and protect your heart" Kasey. Speaking of Jake: the asshole is back!! Kasey is not pleased that Jake is coming and wants to fight him, or specifically "I'm going to take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka." Uhhhhh. Some spoiled kinda lazy eyed chick Erica is there but I didn't watch the Prince Lorenzo season. Hot-ass Grant who used to date like the hottest soap star ever (Chrishelle Stause from All My Children) and now does like charity for kids which makes him SUPER hot. Single mom Ella from Jake's season is there for the money, not the love, so she can buy a house. Holly and Michael used to be engaged but now they're so not so this should be good times. And that's only some of them!

The mandimes and skanks of Bachelor Pad get out of their "limo" according to Chris Harrison which is just a private car but whatevs. The house is already fearing Vienna's presence, but hey Chris Harrison is happy to have her back. Maybe that's one of his trademark exaggerations. Best non-interaction goes to Gia blowing off Vienna, who tries to sort of make a connection but Gia's like "Pssssh STFU hoe." Holly is really digging Blake but knows her attempts to get her flirt on will be thwarted if Michael comes, which he does. William the worst roaster ever is on the show and I guarantee he's gone in 3 weeks.

Last and certainly least, Jake enters the house and Kasey throws not a single fist that he's claimed he'd do the entire episode thus far. Vienna continues to be the drama queen she dreams of being and whines to everyone about how awkward it is to be around Jake. Jake does his politican greetings to everyone and tries to be cordial to Vienna and Kasey, who freeze him out and by that I mean boring weather conversation. Jake still loves Vienna and just wants to make amends so everyone can move on. Jake pulls Kasey aside to make a peace pact and give his blessing or whatever. Kasey doesn't want to be a hater (which he has been the whole time) but he is just there to guard and protect Vienna's heart. Kasey's goal is to get Jake sent home ASAP, tomorrow in particular, so yeah, foreshadowing!

For the first challenge, the girls and guys have to couple up. Pick someone hot!! The challenge is for the guys to be lifted up on a harness and the guys have to hold their lady (and she needs to straddle super hard) as long as they can; drop your lady on the bed and you're out. William laughs "What if someone gets an erection?" and quite frankly that would the best, most hilarious thing that could happen. William can't hold onto Gia 10 minutes into the competition so they drop out. Holly drops because she'd rather be drinking; priorities definitely in-line. Soon they all begin to drop leading to the super-dramatic final 2 of Vienna/Kasey and Jackie/Jake. Jake is basically asleep on Jackie, who is cling to Jake like a sloth on a branch. Jake and Jackie win the challenge and immunity, in the form of roses. They also get to go on a hot date together, but the destination is a seeeecret for now. Kasey and Vienna mope and fight in the hot tub, like the awesome players they are. Then they mope and fight on land.

Kacey already has the game set. Him and Vienna align with Michelle and Grant for final 4, but also pull in Michael, Holly, Kirk and Erica. A swing vote is needed so the guys bring in Justin and the plan is for the girls to bring in Alli. Justin thinks he's the 9th out of desperation so while he shakes on the deal, he also plans to maybe cause a little malarchy in the house and get the stragglers to align. Alli is hurt when she hears Graham was told to "work on her" to immediately approaches the big alliance and already Justin is caught red-handed. He did a far better job lying on The Bachelorette.

Jake and Jackie go to "dinner above the stars" and learn that on their date is a 3rd rose, which they will bring home and give to someone else as a token of immunity. Ames is sad Jackie's on this date since him and Jackie have been sucking face already. The first bit of their date is walking down Hollywood Boulevard where some little tourist girl is brought to tears seeing Jake in person. Me too, little girl. At the El Capitan theater, the marquee reads "JAKE & JACKIE - C'MON UP! THE BEST SEATS IN THE HOUSE!" I wish this was a trap to take Jake down, but it's instead a romantic dinner eating on top of the actual marquee outside. Of course the topic of discussion is Jake and Vienna's tumultuous relationship which we're tired of hearing about. Jake's side of the story is that Vienna sold their break-up story to the tabloids for a buttload of money and he was pissed about this betrayal. Jackie now trusts Jake, but not Vienna, but suggests they give Vienna the rose as a peace offering. Whaaat? You're both dumb.

The next day Jake and Jackie and torn up about what to do with the rose. Justin tells Jake giving Vienna the rose is so dumb and she's gunning for Jake to go. Gia is praying she gets the rose because for some reason she's the #1 target, probably because she's hot and tried to start a revolt last season. Jake is so desperate to be the hero and prove to Vienna he's not a dickhead that he is really, really considering giving her the rose. Gia tries to talk Jake out of it and points out it's dumb and obviously it means she isn't safe. St. Jake gives the rose to Vienna and talks privately with Kasey and Vienna. Jake apologizes for yelling at her on TV and being an a-hole. Vienna could give a flying frak about the apology and the show basically shows Kasey and Vienna banging on camera under sheets. Meanwhile, Gia's crying because Jake killed her chances of lasting in the game and was a shitty friend to her.

Gia doesn't want to roll over and die and tries to get Kasey fearful that he's going home. Kasey has no fear and challenges her alleged five votes, but then make an alliance to not vote for each other (since on this show guys vote out girls and girls vote out guys). Gia is nervous about putting her trust in Kasey and she should be since that super team of however many they have plan to vote have their guys vote out Gia. Gia does the numbers and knows there are 4 votes for her and Kasey is the swing to either keep or eliminate her. The others think Alli is playing both sides, so they plan to vote for her, which surprises her when she finds out. Justin has no sympathy for Alli because her big mouth is what is getting him obviously eliminated week 1. Justin is the obvious choice to go home, but Kirk tries to get 5 girls together to vote out Kasey, but Gia's stupid word to keep Kasey is ruining the plan.

Rose ceremony! This thing feels like eternity, just listing names and walking up to get roses. It's like a really dull graduation ceremony. "Rated R" Justin obviously gets eliminated and refuses to shake hands and be cordial and snags a rose to leave with. He blames the 24 year old "with big fake hooters" for his demise, which is one of my top quotables of the night and would be the blog title if I wanted a lot more porn hits. Gia and Alli are the last 2 women and it's surprisingly Gia who gets the rose. Alli is boring and even cries in the limo, cause she's a dud.


ImaPinkSister said...

Love Grant, too! Did not know that he and Chrishelle dated...that totally increases his likability for me b/c I love her!! (off topic- do you know if she's staying with AMC on the web?)
I want to stick a toothpick in my eyeball each time I hear the Guard & protect your heart shit. I'm just waiting for Kasey to bust out with random song as he did with Ali. I'm not a Jake wind beneath my wings fan, but I'm even less of a Vienna and Kasey fan!
Great blog, gurrrl!

ImaPinkSister said...

Oh, wasn't 'wind beneath my wings', but 'on the wings of love'! Haha