August 16, 2011

Bachelor Pad 2: Not Feeling Such Egg-cellent Self Esteem

8/16/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Bachelor Pad - Week 2

The challenge this week cost the show $50, probably because they maxed out the budget last week for the sexual harnesses. The guys will be blind-folded and face backwards with targets painted on their backs. The women will be asked "personal" questions anonymously and throw a paint filled egg at the man they think the correct answer is. In other words, hit Jake with a shitload of eggs until he cries. They have to hit the target in order to get the point and the egg must break. Just to make sure women feel extreme pain too, they will switch spots and get eggs chucked at their fragile lady bodies.

I thought the questions would be trivia, but they are more self-esteem busters like, "Who are you least attracted to?", "Who least deserves the $250,000?" and "Who do you want to see go home this week?" Kasey can't believe he got hit with the unattractive egg since he's dating "the most attractive girl in the house" to which America holds back the loudest laugh break of all time. In case you were wondering who gets pummeled the most, it's hand's down Jake for the "Who do you want to go home this week?" Jake is hurt physically and emotionally and realizes Vienna has more influence than he'd like. Jackie and Melissa are tied for the lead so they have a "Who is the dumbest?" tie-breaker: Jackie misses William and Melissa hits Grant for the win. Expect a crazy person date.

The women in their little white bikinis put on their blind-folds and assume the position. Question 1: "Which of these woman is most likely to cheat on you if dating?" Jake aims right for Vienna, who cheated on her with at least 3 dudes; awesome revelation! Second question is "Who do you want to go home this week?" and it's an overwhelming egg-fest at Erica. They can't handle her glamorous style. But don't worry, the "Who are you least attracted to?" question pops up for the men and poor Erica gets even more paint eggs. I think the emotional angle hurts more than the actual eggs. Let's point out that Michael, the winner, is a huge dick for throwing overhand and whipping Erica. Underhand you shithead. Erica holds the tears back under the blindfold which is like the saddest scene ever. Erica feels like her being curvy and natural makes her seem ugly and I almost wanted to tweet her a sorry message until she starts saying Ella is chubby and ugly and now she'll feel better about herself. Aww you blew it.

Men's winner Michael gets an immunity rose and also gets to take a lady on a one-on-one date. This gives Michael time to reflect back on his failed engagement to Holly, which obviously means he'll bring Holly along on his date. He has to bring three women so Michael also chooses Erica, a mercy offering for her earlier humiliation, and Michelle. The date is a visit to Linda Vista, a haunted hospital that coincidentally Michael and Holly read a book about. They're given a videocamera and a flashlight and off they go to get felt up by ghosts. They all freak out, scream, and cling to Michael for dear life. Michael and Erica even "find hospital records" and try to channel his ghost. Michael gives his immunity rose to Holly and have their alone time chat. The ghosts have set up a romantic rooftop setting for Michael to spill his guts about how he wants to always be around her. It's a "what happened to us?" cryfest about missing each other, etc but Holly seems to think they've always been in the best friend zone. Michael still loves Holly and the prize money doesn't matter compared to that. This date isn't skanky enough for my Bachelor Pad taste.

Melissa brings Kirk, Kasey, and Blake and before the date even starts makes a deal with Kasey to give him the rose in exchange for safety next week. The date itself is drinking a bunch of a boat. Blake is playing the game hardcore, flirting with Melissa to get ahead. My favorite moment is when Melissa says, "This is what it feels like to be Bachelorette and I like this." That's about as close as she'll be to a show lead. Blake is aware that Kasey will likely get the rose so he brings Melissa to a bedroom and kisses her into a rose. Blake doesn't like being a prostitute (no seriously, he uses that word) but it's a game and he wants to win. Blake's plan works and he gets the rose, leaving Kasey an unhappy dude. Kasey and Kirk are escorted to a dinghy and Melissa and Blake get the boat and booze all to themselves. The booze helps Blake keep up his make-out sessions with Melissa, who is so into him while he's into cash.

In the house, Vienna continues her master plan of making everyone hate Jake to get rid of him. Jake, desperate to stay in the game and fix his bum rep, heads to the cross-eyed devil herself for help. Vienna refuses to talk to Jake without Kasey present, leading Jake to walk away head-down Peanuts style. Gia tries to be a peacemaker but it doesn't help much, so her next move is to try and get Vienna and Kasey eliminated. Gia approaches Graham about the plan to eliminate a power couple, but Grant is aligned with that super-hot couple. Graham tells Gia that she might not be as big of a target as she thinks, which has got to be some foreshadowing.

Fresh off their dates with other people, Holly and Blake are really hitting it off and getting flirty. Melissa is confident Blake has feels for her and he allegedly said their feelings are "serendipitous" which is, c'mon, the most obvious drunken word used ever. Melissa stalks him around the house and interrupts his time with Holly, the threesome he doesn't really want. It is awk-waaaard and Melissa begins to wonder if Blake can be trusted (DUH). Blake begins to see what everyone else said about her: Melissa is nucking futs.

Everyone not in a couple feels in jeopardy this week. Jake asks Vienna and Kasey to spare him and give him another week in the game, begging to stay. It becomes an argument of why didn't Jake try to make amends before the cameras were around, so clearly what Kasey and Vienna say is gospel and no one can change their minds. They seriously get off on making Jake squirm. They're so going to do it tonight. Kasey looks into the camera and makes his lame-ass shield and tattoo pump and informs us "It's guard and protect time." I can't stop laughing.

Chris Harrison comes out to gauge the house feelings before elimination and, whaddayaknow, the whole house feels awkward being around Jake, Vienna, and Kasey's nonstop drama. Vienna whines it's hard being in the house with an ex-fiance and Holly's like, "HAHA over here, bitch!" Vienna feels that ABC exploited their break-up once already and they didn't need to do this a second time. Chris gets pissy and says you're not forced to be here so if you're unhappy, GTFO. Two people will go home, but since the show is totally fixed, it's announced two women will go home and all the men will be safe. Jake survives another week, what a coincidence!!! Everyone in the house (rather than just guys) will vote for a woman and the two women with the most votes go home; only Holly and Melissa are immune since they have roses. Vienna whines more and Kasey asks if she wants to leave, but she won't let Jake win so she stays.

Gia gets mad that Michelle tells Jake he should probably just quit before they vote him off. Gia is then caught by Kasey who knows she was working to get him eliminated since Graham immediately tattled. Gia can't believe Graham would throw her under the bus since they're friends and she starts crying that she thought she could win and Kasey's like, "Well you gave it your best shot!" HA! Gia runs off to give Graham a piece of her mind, Graham tries to deny, but tells us viewers that he did tell Kasey but he didn't think Kasey would blab it right to Gia. She cries a whole lot more and I'm just wondering what the fuck she expected considering she was on this show last season too? Are you stupid? Gia ditches the cocktail attire for her jeans and leather jacket and peaces out of the game, sobbing in her van-ride home about no one getting the satisfaction of voting her out.

Only one woman has to get voted out now, so the women set their sights on voting of single mom Ella. The only other woman up for consideration would be Jackie, who is paired with Ames and is considered less of a threat. Ella is on this show for the money and pleads her case to the guys to keep her around, particularly Kirk who also needs the money to pay off his medical bills. Kirk relays this news to Michael and Graham, who love this idea and move onto the next part of this plan: get king and queen Kasey and Vienna to eliminate Jackie. Ames has also made a deal with Kasey to protect Ames and Jackie this week. Michael explains that elimination Ella would mean losing Kirk's trust, but Kasey isn't sure if he wants to go back on his word to Ames. But Kasey does want to win the money a lot, so he lies to Ames and Jackie's faces and votes for Jackie to go home.

Jackie and Ames bask in their newfound love while Melissa scowls with a glass of wine at the sight of Blake and Holly flirting. Melissa is pissed and calls out Blake for being a player, saying the house notices it too. Melissa gets whisper-rage to the other girls and Blake approaches Melissa to have a real conversation. Blake is starting to reeeeeally regret his partner choice. Crazy Melissa is also the tie-breaker between Ella and Jackie being eliminated so we'll see how her fragile mental state affects this one.

Rose ceremony. All the men are safe thanks to the twist to keep Jake around another week, so only the ladies are picking up their roses. It comes down to Ella and Jackie, obviously, but the woman going home is... Jackie. Ames gets that weird surprised face he gets, like when he got dumped by Ashley but couldn't understand it. Ames walks Jackie to her limo for a goodbye kiss and hug and as the limo drives away, Ames and his red khakis (seriously, guy?) decides that the game isn't worth it. He does a two-hand way to the guys and runs off to the limo to be with Jackie. Oh they're going to last forever!

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