August 14, 2011

Reality Rundown: This Twist Sucks

8/14/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Big Brother - Week 5

Finally a newbie is in control of the game, as Kalia is the new HOH and the majority of the house is not pleased. Rachel hates Kalia and knows the feeling is mutual so expects to go home. "Big Jeff" has the same feeling since him and Kalia have had some issues, but he's also mad at Porsche for getting him knocked out in trivia up against Shelly. Rachel cries a whole lot more so Porsche and Jordan comfort her. When Porsche leaves, the 3 vets shit-talk Porsche and deem her untrustworthy.

Kalia gets her HOH room which leads to her sobbing, Shelly sobbing about family in the Diary Room- just too many tears. Dani gives Kalia some advice of what's to come as HOH (a lot of ass-kissing, deal cutting, and wanting to know who the target is). Rachel kisses major ass saying she's excited for Kalia to win HOH and offers a week of safety next week if she (Rachel) is saved this week. Kalia laughs, "Oh humble pie, it tastes good doesn't it homegirl?" and I am holding back the eating jokes here, people. In discussion with Daniele, Kalia discusses putting up Rachel and Jeff with Rachel as the target. Kalia wants to tell Jeff this plan as well so that he doesn't get too pissed at her.

The backyard is set up like a 50's lounge for the food competition, which is to identify 3 ingredients mixed with milk in a "delicious" smoothie against an opponent. If there's a tie, then there's a chug-off which is just enough to make them, and viewers, gag. Rachel, Jeff, Jordan, and Shelly are the blue team and Lawon, Dani, Porsche, and Adam are the red team; for some reason both teams have on hipster glasses. These drinks are truly repulsive: creamed corn/corned beef/potato chips, applesauce/scrambled eggs/gorgonzola cheese. Nightmares, for real. Jordan practically cries in the Diary Room at how bad Shelly performed, ignoring St. Jeff's [correct] advice to guess canned yams. The red team wins thanks to Dani's chugging skills, making them the haves and kicking the vets in the balls more. Jordan cries. Along with slop, the have nots get to have coconuts and cat fish and that's not bad cause cat fish is super good. So stop crying, fucking whiner Jordan.

Jordan's cryfest extends past the competition and into a rant about disliking the floaters, Porsche and Lawon specifically. Speaking of floaters, Kalia brings Shelly into the HOH room, hoping to get Shelly on her side. Shelly agrees to a final 3 with Kalia and a not-present Daniele, but explains in the DR she'd prefer to be with Jeff/Jordan but is just lining up a back-up plan. And to think Jordan complained that Porsche and Lawon are floaters!

Jeff/Jordan make their HOH visit and Kalia explains to Jeff that she is going to nominate him to guarantee he plays in, and wins, the veto. Jordan gets more pissy, brings up the twist, and can't deal with the fact that Kalia wants to nominate strong players that are in her alliance. Jeff says if he takes himself off the block, Kalia is his #1 target, but she wisely points out she already was his target (but he claims that's not true). Jeff and Jordan want floaters out, and just get pissy that I don't feel like summarizing over and over. Jeff's anger rattles Kalia to the point of diary room tears where she doubts her decisions.

Jeff is well aware he's probably going on the block and Jordan is so upset she keeps saying she's "fusstrated." At the nomination ceremony, Dani snaps at Rachel who I guess is sitting too close for comfort. Because we're in 3rd grade in the BB house. Kalia nominates Jeff and Rachel for eviction, though Jordan gets all sassy and makes some annoying comment about how her key should've been omitted since it will be the replacement key. Kalia makes a speech to let it be know that the nomination decision was her choice alone. The ceremony ends and Rachel starts some shit with Daniele, who just walks away.

Rachel is pissy she's nominated, Jeff is pissy, Daniele is pleased. Rachel whines and Shelly tries to pacify her and explain it's a game. Rachel cries her crocodile tears about needing Brendon, being hated, blah blah blah. Does anyone care about these assholes anymore? Rachel asks what they want her to do and while I'm not sure about them, I can easily say I want you to STFU and leave the game. Porsche is tired of Rachel's 'tude as well and begins to gravitate towards Daniele who is pleased to take Rachel's alliance sloppy seconds. Then Kalia is crying because he doesn't want to be viewed as a floater and wants to leave a good player. Well what happens this week isn't going to help that case. Kalia doesn't like that Jeff and Jordan hate her and wants to make them like her again and will do anything to show they are not her target.

The names drawn for the veto competition are Kalia, Rachel, Jeff, Adam, Shelly, and Jordan (who was picked by Rachel). Shelly approaches Jeff afterwards and jokes he should be more excited about her getting to play and gets pissed that he doesn't seem to trust her. Jordan cries more and Jeff FINALLY makes the statement I've been saying for weeks on the blog: STOP GD CRYING. Jeff does damage control with Shelly, who explains she's been a trojan horse since like day 1 to get Jeff and Jordan to the end. After some chatting, all is cool.

Donning some festive togas (bedsheets) and new fake Greek names, the veto competition is to roll a ball back and forth a ramp, catching it each time (drop it and your count goes back to zero); whoever makes it to 300 first wins the Vetoeus. The ffff? I actually dig the challenge since it's not that physical, yet requires a level of endurance and speed. Rachel tries to be super speedy, which leads to her dropping the ball and a lot of huffing. Jeff is obviously acing it, because the competition is ideal for someone like him, though Adam is right up there with him. Kalia uses her time wisely, walking slowly, not doing anything, and cheering for Jeff. Hey bitch, you nominated him and he's bitter- stop kissing his ass. It's a really close fight but Jeff beats Adam by only 2, so obviously Jeff is coming off the block and someone is going up: but who?

Jordan expects to be the replacement nominee and plans to go bananas if she does go on the block. Rachel continues to whine that she has no votes and can't respect "the memory" of Brendon. Kalia tries to explain to JeJo again that she "had" to put Jeff on the block to make sure he fought hard for the veto, but claims the risk was worth it. Kalia wants to show she values them/needs their approval and won't put Jordan up as the replacement; they don't trust her. Rachel tries to make a deal and while people want her out, put the right person next to her and Rachel could stay. Rachel mentions the twist could have her come back, so Kalia sees value in maybe keeping Rachel and making JeJo like her again and burn less bridges this week. Daniele of course thinks this is a stupid move (cause it is). Kalia wants to prove she makes her own decisions and doesn't make Daniele's moves; so this week instead, Kalia makes Shelly's moves. Oh what's that, Shelly isn't in the show edit? That's because the show decided to make it look like Kalia made this plan when it was in fact Shelly who masterminded the whole thing to keep her alliance totally safe and knock out the other nominee.

Instead of putting up floater Porsche, Lawon volunteers to go up because he thinks he'll get evicted but come back with special powers from the twist. I guess Lawon made this really easy for Kalia. Kalia and Daniele laugh about it and if he doesn't come back, whoops! Big fucking whoops: he's your only other alliance number but you're too dumb to see it. Kalia thinks this will make her 3 biggest enemies her alliances which is so stupid because they will nominate her next week, easily. Jeff uses the veto to take himself off the block and Kalia names Lawon as the replacement nominee, putting grins on the faces of everyone in the house. WTF is she thinking?

Also, Adam makes his biggest game move: shaving his beard. Becaus ethat is literally the only thing of value he's done all summer. He looks far less creepy, but still weird.

You know Thursday is time for business when Julie wears a pantsuits with sleeves. Julie reminds us that tonight 2 evicted HGs will compete and the winner will re-enter the game. Julie gets her dig in at Lawon, laughing off his dream that the evicted person who returns will have a special power. But first, we have to hear what happened the last few days when all we want to see if who is going to re-enter the house.

Lawon is so excited to be on the block but thinks he's got a 99% chance of returning with powers. It's actually a 99% fact that this was the dumbest move ever on the show. Lawon wants everyone to think this wasn't planned and that he was totally shocked to be nominated. Once Lawson makes a comment "I wouldn't volunteer," Shelly is onto him and his lying persona he takes on. Shelly goes right to the source and asks Kalia if Lawon knew he was getting nominated since he's claiming he's shocked; Kalia confirms Lawon was in on the plan. Lawon is a dead man walking, but Rachel still makes a fake deal with Dani and Kalia (because those 2 morons are dumb enough to think this deal will stick). Kalia honestly thinks she is controlling the game this week and she is going to look back on this week and realize she was a fool that got PLAYED.

Shelly continues her reign as best player in the house that no one seems to realize is playing them all. Shelly straddles both sides of the house by telling Dani about Rachel spilling about the conversation in the HOH room. This leads Dani to run up to HOH to tell Kalia that Rachel blabbed to everyone else and maybe they should change their vote. Want to change it all you want, it doesn't matter cause you don't have the votes since you nominated your ally, ya dingalings.

A time filler video package shows all of Rachel's season 12 enemies and their thoughts on her now. Ragan and her were mortal enemies in the house, but not they are great friends and he's in her wedding party. Matt and Ragan are still BFFs and lovingly call each other Bookey too. Ragan explains Rachel's bad attitude and crying right now is because she truly has never played Big Brother as a solo player. Julie also does her HOH interview with Kalia who explains she's misses her friendship with Jeff/Jordan, hence the sucking up.

Voting time! Everybody votes to evict Lawon, eventhough Daniele knows that this is going to be a big mistake. Lawon isn't upset and in his nerd glasses, Yale sweatshirt, and red knee-high socks gives his hugs goodbye... but Julie stops him from leaving. Julie informs Lawon of the full span of the twist: Lawon will have to battle the evicted HG America voted for. Rachel's mouth is wide open (insert jokes here) and everyone is kinda surprised, yet had an idea maybe something like this could happen.

In the backyard, Keith, Cassie, Dominic, and Brendon are standing behind a blue curtain and all want to get back into the game. The 4 evictees learn that whoever the winner is will battle Lawon, so they are all thinking the obvious: easy win, I'm back in. Keith and Cassie's hopes are quickly dashed, leaving it to Dominic or Brendon. Since Brendon got the hero's edit, he gets a chance to return. The competition is to retrieve 14 balls with the names of the 14 original HGs and roll them up a ramp into a hole; whoever has the most in 3 minutes wins. In what I call "no fucking shit" Brendon wins and re-enters the house. WORST TWIST EVER.

But who's the HOH? We won't know (on the show) until Sunday.