September 22, 2011

Reality Rundown: This Is Not A Picnic

9/22/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , 1 comment
New! The Biggest LoserSurvivor: South Pacific

New! The Biggest Loser - A bus full of fatties wearing gray t-shirts with a big number on them arrives in the middle of the desert. In rides a humvee and out of it comes Alison Sweeney aka Samantha Gene Brady. Alison has everyone line up in order of their shirt number; those numbers are their age. Gone are stupid pairs (thank god!) and in this season the losers will be split into three teams based on age: under 30 (young), over 50 (old), and the in-betweens (middle). Rejoicing all around! Then, holy Marine H.R.E.A.M., the trainers arrive via CH-46s. The trainers are returning Bob Harper, tennis player Anna Kournikova, and trainer to the stars (aka Biebs) Dolvett Quince. BTW, Dolvett is hot.

The teams will get to pick their trainer but it's obviously a challenge. The teams will need to trek a mile across the desert holding a metal bar together to pick Bob, I mean a trainer. Yes, everyone wants Bob- quelle surprise. The old people quickly realize they just want to finish so they'll obviously be training with Anna because who the hell is going to pick her? It's the middle aged folks who pass the young'ns and pick Bob, the tried and true trainer (so middle is now black team). The young group reaches the finish line and head to Dolvett's team triangle (young is now red team). The old folks get stuck with the mediocre professional tennis player who shows solidarity by running out to her team, with the other teams joining, to help the oldies finish (the old folks are now blue team).

Alison gives a teaser that in 3 months, regardless of whether you are still in the game or got eliminated, they'll return to compete in a marathon in the desert. Huge twist alert: winner of that marathon automatically makes the finals. Holy shit, that is major. Like epic. Wow.

The losers and trainers head into the gym. Gone are those dumb quotes of trainers and in are pictures of the past winners looking svelte and healthy. Dolvett rules as he's like kinda of friendly and then screaming. Anna is what you would expect: calm, sage advice, but at least she doesn't let her oldies quit everytime they request. There is whining, tears, people asking for a lot of breaks, and some old dude Johnny quits his workout. Bob's "pet project" in Antone, a big ol' former NFL offensive lineman who cries quite a bit for a grown man on day one. He's our first inspirational Bob speech.

At 3:15AM, Becky receives a call from home and finds out her father passed away. Instead of sobbing into some Ben and Jerry's, she heads to the gym and hops on the elliptical. She walks out the emotions and makes a vow to control her weight so she doesn't end up letting the obesity kill her too. The team comes together to support her because a lot of them have lost parents too. Becky returns home for the funeral but she'll be back to compete, making Anna cry a whole lot. Man, she cries more than the losers.

Weigh-in time! Anna's blue team weighs in first and a couple of guys put up decent numbers, two of the three women aren't so great. I mean, the chick who left campus for a few days put up 10lbs- those other ladies are clunkers. Bob's black team slaughters Anna's oldies. I mean a dude lost 37lbs- that is insane. Dolvett's red steps to the scale and has some great numbers. Patrick, who got temporarily kicked out of the gym, cries a bunch and leads to Bonnie's completely terrifying ugly cry face. While read doesn't reach Bob levels of domination, they easily defeat the blue team.

The blue team heads to the big table for elimination. Johnny, the split-second quitter, lost the most weight on the team so can't be eliminated. The bickering is between the team's obvious weak links, Bonnie and Debbie. Being that Bonnie lost the least amount of weight (4lbs), you'd think she would go home. Turns out some dude things Debbie has enough self discipline to last at home and she's eliminated.

Survivor: South Pacific - Cochran thanks Savaii for keeping him but acknowledges what a terrible display he had at tribal trying to defend himself. His goal: be less neurotic, more of a worker, disobey mom's advice to not use a machete without supervision. Speaking of no supervision, Ozzy goes monkeying around trees and finds the hidden immunity idol. Hiding fail, again producers and production assistant. Jim, who keeps bragging about being a poker player, ends up fishin' with the boys (Keith, Ozzy) and wants to start his 3+2 alliance: those three plus Whitney, Elyse.

Coach has a solid alliance of five but feels a very tight bond with Edna, who is not part of the fave five. Brandon feels some guilt hiding his true identity from "man of integrity" Coach and reveals his Lil' Hantz tattoo and tells Coach stupid uncle secret. Coach is nervous that Brandon is more like his uncle and would betray him, but Brandon assures Coach he is keeping his word and values their alliance and trust. Brandon is also still hell bent of getting Mikayla out. Dude can't deal with a young hottie in a bikini. Christine goes off to hunt for the next immunity idol clue, which she finds in the hole in the tree.

The immunity challenge is to unwind a May Day pole of four players tied to it. The ribbons, when unwound, will release keys that unlock the other four players who have to navigate a slide puzzle of crates. There is also reward in the form of blankets, pillows, hammock and a map. Blankets please, preferably Snuggies. Old lady Dawn is so slow, leading Probst to say, "This is not a picnic!" Upolu takes a big early lead, but Savaii are fantastic at the puzzle and score the win.

Upolu heads back to camp and there's one clear target coming solely from Brandon's direction: get out Mikayla. Not my winner prediction- noooo! Coach proposes a 3-3-3 vote to try to flush out the idol if it's out there and cause he doesn't like Christine. Brandon confesses to Coach later he wants Mikayla out I guess cause he fears he can't be faithful to his wife. Um, it's a two way street rapey. His alliance thinks getting rid of Mikayla is dumb. Christine gets a stank face on when she sees Edna fraternizing with the five. Brandon tries to get the ladies on the outskirts to vote off Mikayla and Christine is like WTF? She heads to search for the idol again to maybe save herself. Coach doesn't think Mikayla should go either and worries about Brandon's pettiness. I worry about my winner prediction.

At Tribal, Coach discusses keeping the tribe strong but calls out Christine and Stacy wanting to vote out Mikayla. They are baffled. The ladies don't appreciate the accusations. Albert brings up Christine's idol hunting being her possible downfall, so Coach keeps the bus running over her. Mikayla is silent at tribal until Jeff finally addresses her; Stacy and Christine vow they aren't voting for her. Brandon admits he is the one that asked the women to vote for Mikayla. This is perhaps the most confusing tribal council ever and one where I have no idea who is getting voted for. Votes are everywhere: Sophie, Edna, Christine, Stacy. Christine and Stacy lead with a 3-3 tie, but it's Christine that is voted off of her tribe and send to duel Semhar at Redemption Island. Better hope it's not a poetry jam.


Arizonagal said...

I am amazed every season at how much cryin' these big folks do! Especially the former NFL dude, he's a blubbering fool.