October 30, 2011

Reality Rundown: And Twins!

The Amazing RaceThe Biggest Loser
Survivor: South Pacific

The Amazing Race - This week's leg kicks off still in Thailand, but with a fun task: ride elephants! It's followed by a Road Block to listen to some dude play a wooden flute while searching murky water near a waterfall for a clue. It might be the easiest task ever. The twins (Liz and Marie) depart maybe 2 hours behind the pack and have to do a Speed Bump due to their non-elimination leg check-in. Before riding the elephants they must pick up the elephant shit and bathe them (in water, not shit).

To retrieve the next clue, teams them disassemble a spirit house (Thai shrine) and bring the pieces along with them. Again, easiest task ever. Next clue is another Road Block which is to reassemble the spirit house, which can only be done by the team member who didn't do the water. While disassembling was easy, reassembling is tricky since no one really paid attention.

This leg, which never ends, then sends the team to Bangkok for another GD clue. Turns out the cab ride is a huge expense out of the $186 stipend they've been given for this leg. Cindy and Ernie's cabbie gets pissed that they pay him with American money and demands Thai bahts; they end up paying $150 and ragin'. Zac and his British/Aussie dad (what is he?) book tickets on a first class bus and after driving a bit realize it's against the rules and have to back-pedal (turns out that only pertains to planes, not buses- whoops). That means they have to wait until 8:00PM after originally getting a 4:30PM bus. Despite waiting like two and a half hours, the twins are still behind them and don't have enough money for the cab. The hold-up with the cab driver makes them miss the bus and they now have no money for another ticket, but the cabbie agrees to take the money and drive the twins to the bus. Well that's no fun.

The teams arrive in Bangkok and get into cabs, which I hope are cheap since no one has any money. The teams feed the fish in the canal to get their clue which leads to the Pit Stop. Another waste of time, kind of like the hour I waste watching this show. Amani and Marcus check in as team #1, with old folks Bill and Cathi just seconds behind them. Amani and Marcus win a trip to Bali, or maybe Phil said "Bally's" like the shitty Vegas casino or the sports club. The twins find out that walking to the fish feeding is going to take like five hours and they didn't want to beg poor people for money. The getsta walkin' but a generous cabbie ends up giving them a free lift. Post-fish, another cabbie agrees to give them a free ride to the Pit Stop. It's great editing as if the girls stood a chance but they were hours behind. The twins are eliminated from the race.

The Biggest Loser - It's Halloween week and the losers are shocked, probably because this was filmed in like April. Alison Sweeney is dressed like Bridge of Frankenstein and drops sad facts about Halloween and fattiness. Alison makes a temptation offer: for every pound of candy they eat, they get a one pound advantage. Sounds awesome until they learn it's not about the individual this week: the entire group (10 people) must lose 100lbs together. If they don't make the 100lbs, the entire group votes someone out meaning team divisions will make some big choices. Ali give one last tip: the group can eat up to 10lbs of candy. The candy will lurk in the kitchen all week.

Since it's one big ol' team this week, there's some trainer swap going out. Jennifer is really clingy to Bob, which Anna notices. It's pretty easy to notice since Jennifer cries to camera about missing Bob's shouts. In a Dolvett bonding session with John, who has adopted sons, we learn that Dolvett was adopted as well. In the kitchen, the red team skips the candy and eats (what else but) Jenni-O turkey. Jenni-O turkey also works as an aphrodisiac as Ramon and Jessica have found a love match in the house. They share a romantic picnic in the sunset and Ramon drops the love bomb. Again, The Biggest Loser has a better track record for love than The Bachelor.

The teams meet Alison at a hay maze for their latest challenge: collect as many apples as you can in a hay maze to obtain a weigh-in advantage. If they collect 150lbs of apples they get a 5lb advantage, 200lbs of apples gets 10lb advantage. The catch is that at the end of the 10 minutes if anyone is still in the maze, the advantage is lost and they instead get a 5lb disadvantage. My favorite moment is someone giving the Carla Hall "Hootie Hoo!" to have their location known. The losers work together to make sure no one gets trapped in the end. Antone won't go into the fake Styrofoam graveyard, I guess for fear of being haunted by non-recyclable materials. With a minute left, some people run in for more apples because they're close to the 10lb advantage. It's as if the Titanic sinking the way people were screaming to get out. With seconds to spare, everyone gets out of the maze in time and get over 200lbs for a 10lb advantage.

The losers decide that it would be funnier to tell Bob they got a 10lb advantage eating the candy instead of winning a challenge. Bob is livid and it is hilarious. Luckily it's a joke but they'll still pay in the gym. Bonnie screams like she's being tortured when Bob finally works with her and he even gets her to laugh. Proof that Bonnie isn't lazy, she just truly hates Anna. Dolvett and Anna really give the losers a whipping but Jennifer refuses to put her all into any workout unless Bob is leading it. Get over it, woman. John, so desperate to be in the game, fears he's a target and will go home this week. Get over it, man. We also learn Vinny gained a lot of weight as a child to look to big to abuse. Yikes, sad.

Weigh-in time. The losers 100lb drops to 90lbs since they beat the apple maze challenge and not a size bite of candy was eaten. Everything is going pretty well until Sunny gains 5lbs. The coaches encourage her to not be humiliated or discouraged but use this as a motivator. Jennifer acknowledges to the group she's Bob reliant and working to get used to the other. Old lady Bonnie only loses 1lb, crushed since she thought she had her best week yet (her blue teammate Becky only loses 1lb too). Jessica, maybe infected too much by the love bug, is happy with her 4lb loss, and Ramon only has 2lbs lost. Anna decides to interject and blame their romance on this. STFU Anna. As a team, the ten people lost only 38lbs out of the needed 90- WAMP WAMP!

John is the biggest loser of the week, making him safe. Considering how much screentime Jessica got this episode, I think it's most obvious who is getting voted off. Jennifer's attitude is a topic of discussion and black is a little torn between following Bob's orders of unity and eliminating a moper. The three red team members vote for Jennifer, and I'm assuming a black team vote block for Roman (who Jen and John vote for). Nope! Phil and Antone are tired of her distraction and Sunny's vote seals Jennifer's fate and eliminates the first black team member from the game.

Survivor: South Pacific - Christine and Mikayla prepare to duel and dear god, Mikayla win and get back in the game for my winner prediction. The challenge is to rip apart a crate made of planks and use the planks to assemble a bridge, then you have to unassemble the planks to put together a puzzle. Goddamn that's awful to type for a recap. Christine wins and the duel and Mikayla is out of the game. And there goes my winner prediction.

Ozzy lets Cochran know that Christine is dominating Redemption Island and worries if they lose they need to send someone to Redemption Island. Ozzy says that if that scenario arises, he'd like to be send to Redemption as he'd have the best shot of beating her. He would give the immunity idol to someone else on the tribe so that they'd have it later. It's a huge ballsy move and could be amazing if it transpires and works, but it's Survivor and nothing ever goes with the plan.

Coach performs his Dragonslayer Chi and babbles on about the idol and wanting to tell everyone, but still isn't going to. Brandon, Rick, and Edna want to keep searching for the idol since they aren't in the loop. The tribe goes searching for the idol, but Coach and Sophie head to tree mail and pretend they found the idol just now instead of days ago. Brandon believes prayer helped find the idol- heh.

The Immunity Challenge requires the teams to pair up and paint themselves in matching paint and rock clothes. Twin time! Along with immunity, they get a sneak peak viewing party of the horrible looking Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill. At least they get movie snacks. Jack and Jill are twins, which leads Jeff to make the longest, most convulded explanation of how this challenge and the movie are similar. The challenge itself is one set of twins to be callers to the other pairs of twins, guiding them through an obstacle course to collect masks. Once the masks are collected, the twins have to make matches using only their sense of touch. Another fun one to type! Edna is a waste of space on Upolu but Savaii loses momentum when the team becomes tangled in their ropes. BENJAMIN starts praying to god for a challenge win. Ozzy and Whitney catch up to Albert and Sophie, but it's too little, too late: Upolu wins immunity. Ozzy is pissed, blames who hooked the ropes (Cochran), and starts kicking stuff like any child would do. Hard to take a man in braided pigtails seriously.

Upolu heads to their private screening of that torture flick. The food looks better: candy and hot dogs. The best part is Sophie trying to laugh but clearly hates it.

So Cochran knows he's kinda screwed his team and everyone's avoiding him. The group has to decide who they want to send to Redemption Island and Ozzy, who earlier said he'd go to Redemption, takes it back and says Cochran needs to go. Ozzy says it's risky to send Cochran but riskier to go himself. Everyone believes Cochran can do it and redeem himself. It would be epic if he wins against Christine but Cochran's self esteem is pretty, pretty, pretty low. Cochran doesn't want to be a Redemption Island hero, he just wants to stay in the game. Though later, Ozzy heads to his tree and grabs his hidden immunity and gives it to his team. Ozzy is here to redeem himself and while Cochran agrees he deserves to go, his confidence is low. Ozzy thinks he has good odds of winning but his tribe doesn't necessarily dig the plan.

Tribal time and I have no idea how it's going down. Cochran admits he's embarrassed by his challenge performance. The tribe discusses the optimism of Redemption Island and that whoever is eliminated tonight will defeat Christine. Ozzy has created a whole plan/story for Christine that Cochran had the idol, played it, sent Ozzy home, and now he's seeking vengeance. Jeff does his immunity idol schpiel and Ozzy gives Cochran the idol after a scary fake-out and says he better get it back when he returns. The tribe does comply with the plan and they vote out Ozzy. Now will this be an amazing move or the dumbest move ever? Will there even be a merge next week? STAY TUNED SUCKAS.

October 26, 2011

Charity of the Month for October 2011: Morgan Memorial Goodwill

10/26/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served
October is the month of my mom's birthday and after donating to Save the Chimps for my dad, I asked my mom which charity I should donate to this month. Along with giving towards Birthday Wishes, my mom recommended I donate to Morgan Memorial Goodwill.

Morgan Memorial Goodwill's mission is to provide job training and related services to help individuals with disabilities and other barriers. They also have Fresh Air Camp, which is a traditional overnight camp which aims to inspire their kids to be leaders and motivated. I know I donate throughout the year by just dropping off clothes to those in need. Goodwill is a great cause to donate to and I encourage you to donate to your local Goodwill as well.

October 23, 2011

Reality Rundown: South Pacific Ass Sliding

The Amazing RaceThe Biggest Loser
Survivor: South Pacific

The Amazing Race - Teams leave Indonesia to head to Phuket, Thailand. The snowboarders want to pay it to forward to the father/son since their blunder of last week's orphanage clue won the snowboarders a sweet-ass first place trip. This doesn't help them much because these two teams end up on a flight arriving to Phuket close to an hour after all the other teams. This doesn't matter because an equalizer occurs when the place to retrieve the clue isn't open until 8am.

The Detour's goal is to help out Thailand, which still is pretty messed up from the tsunami. Teams can either place coral into an underwater nursery or set-up beach umbrellas and chairs. Oh yeah, setting up a beach club is toooootally making a difference (oh wait, just the coral is the help the economy thing). Half of the teams do the coral, half the beach chairs. The twins struggle at the beach chair challenge, having a hard time opening chairs and keeping umbrellas from blowing away. The locals laugh at their suffering. Over at the coral challenge, the PVC pipe nursery falls apart of people and the water proves to be tiring. This leads Amani/Marcus and some dating couple (Jeremy and Sandy) to switch tasks.

After the Detour, teams take a boat to Soap Island which I'd like to think is the cleanest place on earth. I love that to identify the island they need to use a rock with two holes to identify it- like the one in Goonies. The Road Block is for one team member to climb a rock wall which is really scaling the side of a Soap Island cliff. The clues are in a bird's nest so let's hope a bitter mother bird doesn't attach racers for stealing her clue babies.

The snowboarders, and my picks to win might I remind you, finish the climb first and head to the Pit Stop of Koh Panyi, a floating village. Andy and Tommy are team #1 again and win $5,000 each. Could I actually have an accurate winner prediction? Everyone else is not so lucky and seems to get lost trying to navigate their boats from the Roadblock to the Pit Stop. The twins are so far but are spared thanks to another damn non-elimination. Ughh.

The Biggest Loser - Through a game on Plinko, one person gets to go home for the entire week with their trainer. They get immunity too which sounds awesome until they learn their while they are safe, their weight in the only one that counts this week for their entire team. Sunny of the black team gets to bring Bob home and she's cheering and so excited like she won a trip to Frisco, Texas. Hey dumbass, you have to work really hard or else you're effing your team. Bob chastises her for thinking this is a cake week and wishes she wouldn't see anyone at home. He also warns the rest of the team to not slack. I love mean Bob.

The black team misses Bob in the gym. The blue team (well Bonnie) is annoyed with Anna's shitty training. Sunny returns home to hugs and kisses but they are far more excited to see Bob. They have a family therapy session where Sunny vows to not go back to the fatty that held them back, the kicks her ass at the local gym. Sunny has a breakdown at the gym remembering a time she came to the gym and people laughed at her for being obese. Aw sad. Of course she remembers the donut shop fondly and instead brings her song on a trip to Subway. Worst. lunch. ever. Bob later ruins the fun at a BBQ restaurant and points out Sunn will never get to have this delicious stuff again. But at least we get to see Bob ride a mechanical bull. The fun is short-lived when he calls the ranch and realizes Jennifer is lone wolf and a total outcast.

There's a challenge for teams to make it through a rubber band maze (a la Guts) with cups of soda to fill a jug. The winning team gets to help someone they know get fit by sending them to the Biggest Loser lodge. Some dude admits pre-show he drank 8-10 cans of soda a day which is pretty repulsive and I wonder how it's possible. Old lady Bonnie is at first comical then has an "I've fallen and I can't get up" moment which is really her just being over-dramatic. Red team wins a challenge, finally dethroning the black team.

Donning a cowboy hat, Bob and Sunny return for the weigh-in. Bonnie admits Anna brings an anger out of her she's never had aka she hates her and Anna doesn't get it. The red team has a good week and loses 2.52%. Becky and Bonnie beat the red team, which I'd hope two people could do it, but crushes my dreams of seeing Bonnie the lone member of the blue team forced to train with Anna. The black team weighs in, eventhough it doesn't matter for anyone except Sunny. Too bad no one played the game and threw their weigh-in so they'd have big numbers next week (though Antone only lost 4, so maaaaybe he played the game?) Sunny makes the walk up to the scale and she must lose more than 6lbs to maintain the black team's undefeated status. Sunny loses an astonishing 14lbs and has a good happy cry.

The red team has to head to elimination and I wonder if Vinny's creepy character that originates from his obese belly button will come back to haunt him. The team has a meeting to sob about why they should stay on the ranch. So much for girl power when Jessica votes to eliminate Courtney, as does the rest of the team after some really long rambling from Vinny about why he voted for her.
Survivor: South Pacific - Elyse and Christine prepare to face off at Redemption Island. Christine is "unfortunately" still there and miserable being alone. The challenge itself is a game of Survivor shuffleboard which we've seen maybe nine times on this show before. Unlike the exciting editing of last week, this is dullsville. Christine wins her fourth duel, making a Matt-like run on Redemption Island minus the god stuff. She also flips off her former tribemates when Rick tries to cheer her on. Such a happy woman!

Ozzy begins his whining phase, pissy at camp that Keith and Whitney betrayed him. He claims he's a free agent and now alliance free. He thinks this was a personal move and when Dawn challenges him about holding back, Ozzy announces he has the idol. Kind of a sore loser for someone who has played the game three times. Cochran sums it up best: "He's just behaving like a stupid bitch." Eventually Ozzy realizes he was a whiny bitch and apologizes to his tribe and claims declaring the idol was just so everyone would trust him.

Coach hopes no one learns of the idol he found with Sophie and Albert. Brandon doesn't know about the idol so he finds the third clue and then starts hunting for the idol, giving everyone flashbacks of the troll that shall not be named. Coach initially has some guilt about not letting Brandon into the know, once he seems that idol badger digging around camp feverishly, he's glad. Edna, knowing she's potentially still on the outs, continues to kiss up to Coach. Coach tells Edna that she's safe for now as Mikayla is next to go.

This week's Immunity Challenge is to assemble a wheel barrel through an obstacle course while filling it with coconuts, then use the same parts to assemble a slingshot which they'll use to sling coconuts at targets. Confusing to example, but it's a cool challenge. The winning tribe gets reward in the form a trip to the Sliding Rocks, a natural waterslide, and get a picnic lunch. Awesome! Mikayla pisses off her tribe but continuing to such at shooting targets, ignoring their advice. Savaii comes from way behind and thanks to their target skills (and Mikayla's lack their of on Upolu) wins immunity and reward.

Savaii bonds as a group at reward, stuffing their faces with their yummy picnic. Ozzy feels like the Savaii 6 are the ones he'd like to win, even if it's not him (though he's like it to be him). Cochran overcomes his nerdiness and does the rock slide and the rest of the tribe joins in. It looks so fun. I want to go there!

Upolu's bummed but Coach is all ready to send Mikayla home since she didn't listen to his orders, I mean coaching, at the challenge. Albert tells Mikayla about Coach's plan and she can't believe their claims of wanting strength yet keeping Edna around. He doesn't go straight to Coach with this and instead goes to Sophie and mustache Rick. Brandon also seems OK with the plan to get rid of Edna, thinking Edna is playing everyone with that brain of hers, but he gave his word and won't break it. Lame! Knowing that talking to Brandon is useless, Albert and Sophie approach Coach to plead weak Edna's case. Coach doesn't like Mikayla not listening to him and would rather have Edna who does all his bidding. Rick, who we have seem maybe four minutes this season, is suddenly the swing vote.

Tribal Council time. The topic of discussion is loyalty vs. strength. Brandon and Coach are team loyalty, while Sophie and Albert are about strength because they need numbers. Brandon gets pissed that Sophie and Albert seem to be swaying for their pact to have six people and said Mikayla has to go. Brandon says to vote him out today if they are not playing on loyalty and dear god, I hope they make a miraculous switch. Brandon does say that he'd prefer to keep Mikayla but gave his word to Edna. Despite Brandon's ballsy declaration, the votes are for Mikayla and Edna. Rick's loyalty ends up on Team BENJAMIN NOT COACH and Mikayla is eliminated. Oh fuck my pick to win.

October 16, 2011

Reality Rundown: Pigging Out

The Amazing RaceThe Biggest Loser
Survivor: South Pacific

The Amazing Race - The leg stays in Indonesia and starts with a colonial bike ride which means really slow but rocking a sweet khaki uniform. The most dramatic moment in an otherwise dull task is that Ernie's pedal breaks off his bike, making way for all the teams to pass them. Da-raaa-ma!

After the bike ride, they take a cab to a roadside restaurant to pick up their Detour clue. Teams have the choice of delivering a meal to works in a rice field and then planting rice seeds or fill feed bags and a water troth for goats. For an "amazing" race this is a lame detour. The "scandal" with the goats is that the father/son team use three buckets instead of two. Da-raaa-ma! The grass in the rice fields is high and the ground uneven so it's falling galore. Moreso with the old people and I'm having "I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial flashbacks.

After falling around rice fields and feeding goats, they head to a temple for their next clue. The clue, at the top of a very long staircase, is a Road Block to count all the Buddhas at the temple, but the key is there are four hand gestures so they have to split it into four. The only good part is that the snowboarders tell Amani and Marcus all the answers to the task but they completely forget the answers after the stairs. A lot of the teams end up working together to get the counting done faster. Father/son Lawrence and Zack are team #1 but because they used too many buckets they get a fifteen minute penalty. That fifteen minute penalty allows snowboarders Andy and Tommy to get first place again and win a trip to Dubai. Eliminated from the race this week are the former showgirls Kaylani and Lisa. Hey, they almost didn't make it out of the United States so I'll call this a win.

The Biggest Loser - Wait, this show has opening credits again but removed my beloved "What have you done today to make you feel proud?" Speaking of returns, to motivate the losers, former contestants from past seasons come to the ranch to tell their story, exercise, motivate, and drop off some product placement knowledge. Thanks for promoting Jenni-O turkey, Hannah!! Hope you like the mega-size picture of you hanging in the gym.

The losers later meet Samantha Gene Brady for their challenge: a line relay that traverses through a ton of shitty weather elements. Even snow... in California (but it's only like 15 or 20 feet long). They have to pass a box along too and inside the box are letters from home. It's pretty much the least surprising reward since five minutes before the black team discussed missing their families, particularly the kids. The red team and black team are the ones competing because who the hell knows where the elderly team is. Black team wins the challenge again (with red team only seconds behind them). Turns out everyone gets to read their letters from home since they all finished the challenge. I thought for a second winning was pointless but the black team also gets video phone chats home.

Work-out stuff. Anna still sucks as a trainer and the show builds her a special tennis court for training. Seems like a waste since she'll have no job in three weeks when her team is wiped out. Dolvett's project of the week is to give Courtney self-esteem because she hates herself. Bob strips down (oww oww) for a last chance workout with his team in the pool since Jennifer has a dud knee. Joe doesn't swim due to a fear of water and drowning so Bob trains Joe to not fear the water.

Weigh-in. The blue team, down to three members, drop 1.93% thanks to old lady Bonnie having a 7lb loss. The black team loses 2.12% as a team, but John's pissy at his impressive 9lbs which is insane. The red team weigh-in starts pretty rocky after the girls lose only 5lbs together. The men make up the deficit, with Ramon putting up the 11lbs needed to keep red safe. So Anna's blue team loses (again) and Bonnie's sole vote eliminates blue's only remaining male loser, Mike. Good luck ladies because you will reeeeeeally need it (or a twist).

Survivor: South Pacific - Stacey heads to Redemption Island pissed off and reconnects with her former tribemate and friend Christine. Because no one seems to realize you might re-enter the game and are just burning bridges, Stacey plans to expose Coach's crappy game to the other tribe come challenge time. Stacey and Christine explain that Benjamin (not Coach) is running everything along with Albert (present at the Redemption challenge). The challenge is to put balls through a track which they have to catch and keep putting back in. It's a hard focusing challenge and it's Christine and her quick reflexes that win her another Redemption Island challenge. I am sad to see Stacey go because I love the way she said "Benjamin."

Mikayla and Albert report back to Upolu about Stacey spilling the beans about their tribe and calling Coach "Benjamin." Coach gets pissed at the dare though someone call him "Benjamin" because even his parents call him Coach. Considering the Reality Blurred interviews, I'm calling bullshit. Albert, with his newfound screentime, acknowledges the new target status he has and starts immunity idol clue hunting. Albert can't find it himself so brings Coach and Sophie into the fold to build trust and hopefully get the idol found. Coach prances around in the trees and finds the idol.

Cochran is getting irritated by Ozzy and Elyse's laziness, but his irritation is short-lived when Dawn reports all the Redemption Island drama back to the tribe. Ozzy makes a comment that Coach should vote off Albert, which Jim wisely interprets to mean Ozzy might want to vote off one of his own strong guys pre-merge too. Cochran is onto Ozzy's gameplay of feed the tribe and do nothing but demand reverance. God I hope Cochran makes a big move this episode.

Immunity challenge and it's a gross one. Each tribe gets a pig roast on a spit and needs to chew off as much meat as possible and spit it into a basket; most meat collected wins immunity and reward (fruit, veggies, bread, spices). Well this is going to ruin bobbing for apples this Halloween. Won't lie, I should be repulsed yet am really just craving BBQ now. It's also fun watching the other survivors pulling pig fat from each other's mouths. Hope that fruit basket has some floss. Savaii spits up 22lbs 12oz, but Upolu chews up and spits out 22lbs 14oz and wins. Beat the meat! Oh goodie- they get to keep all the nasty spit meat too. Bon appetite?

Savaii laments the loss and the shits they'll get from the pork though Cochran figures they'll get oral herpes (or just cold sores). Cochran immediately starts cracking coconuts and doing work to prove his worth. Ozzy and his minions want Cochran gone, but Dawn has second thoughts. Dawn, Cochran, and Jim would like to get Elyse out (god forbid they get Ozzy out pre-merge). The problem is they need one more vote so Jim tries to pull Keith to their side and Keith is skeptical to vote off Elyse because then Ozzy won't trust them. Keith and Whitney chat in the water and what a shock, she's maybe not into it either, though there is one mention that her and Keith just vote for another random person. Then she pees in the sand. Not kidding.

Tribal council time. Ozzy wants to keep the tribe strong overall- challenges, camp, socially. Cochran does worry about his safety and says that different challenges require different strengths and everyone did well today. Ozzy claims to have a dislocated jaw, the others have cuts in their mouths, and Cochran worries his teeth shifted due to lack of retainer-wearing. Keith hates Cochran's attempt at humor so of course we know the way the vote is going now- OR DO WE? It appears Keith and Whitney make a ballsy move and cast their votes for Dawn, allowing Cochran/Jim/Dawn's votes for Elyse to make her the next eliminated tribemate. AWESOME.

October 10, 2011

Reality Rundown: Fakin' the Spelunk

The Amazing RaceThe Biggest Loser
Survivor: South Pacific

The Amazing Race - The teams depart Taiwan and fly to Yogyakarta, Indonesia where two teams will be elimination in a sweet double elimination leg. Not surprising: there's an equalizer so everyone is in even footing. This would've been a more hilarious joke season 10. Google it if you don't get it. When the teams land in Indonesia they all have to take the same train to Yogyakarta. I hate typing that. Jennifer and Justin, the brother/sister team, begin to fight and argue about calling to research other transportation and it's really annoying. Also, I thought the clue said they had to take the train so why are they fighting? Take a nap on the all night train, you need it.

Teams take taxis to this awesome vertical cave called Goa Jomblang and it's a Road Block. One team member will have the spelunk in the cave to pick up a mask and dagger and climb a bamboo ladder to deliver the artifacts. I love to say "spelunking" (it was always a Carmen Sandiego computer game clue), so I like this. Old people Bill and Cathi reach their speed bump before the Road Block: unravel a rope. Are you fucking kidding me? The spelunking is pretty cool, particularly the scenic descent down. There's no 127 Hours kind of calamity either so good for them.

Teams then head to a Detour: dance for money on the streets or work at motorbike parking attendants. At least the Detour for once has teams choosing both options instead of past seasons where there's one obvious choice. I'd do ticket taker because I hate pan-handling. There's also little dancing and more bang on people's car windows begging for change. The money the teams raise will be donated to an orphanage when they retrieve the clue. The kicker is a sign at the orphanage that requires the teams to also give up any money in their possession to the orphanage as well. Someone's gonna try to be shady. The thing is, the sign is in no way obvious so teams skip past it. Clue fail, Amazing Race. It's also a sneaky, shitty thing to do on a double elimination leg.

When Ernie and Cindy are the first team to arrive they are given the bad news by Phil that they were supposed to give up their money. Any teams that didn't give up the cash have to go back, which rightfully makes Cindy go apeshit cause this sign this was BS. Only the snowboarders, father/son, and showgirls notice the sign to leave their money behind. Everyone else ends up getting to the check-in mat and getting sent back. What's weird is that Bill/Cathi and the twins don't seem surprised when Phil asks them about the money. Like did they see it and ignore it? The snowboarders, who were fourth, end up first and win a trip to Ireland. So the question is, who are the victims of the double elimination? Survivor supercouple Ethan and Jenna (who bickered a lot and misplaced a clue at some point) and domestic partners/flight attendants Ron and Bill (who enjoyed their time on this leg and knew they just had to enjoy it).

The Biggest Loser - It's NFL week on the ranch which explains the super ginormous NFL jerseys and the lifesize cut-outs placed on a football field. The challenge is to throw footballs into another player's target (and nice mesh net in the belly); last player standing wins $5,000. They aren't competing alone and bring in NFL players Clay Matthews, Tony Gonzalez, and Drew Brees to compete against them. This means nothing to me. There's another twist: whoever has the highest percentage of weight-loss at the end of the week wins VIP tickets to the Superbowl. The red team (young guns) systematically take out the others teams until it's just their youthiness battling. Courtney ends up winning the money but I think everyone just cares about Superbowl tix.

Bob wants to keep a close eye on Antone this week because Antone was once an NFL player so this might set him off. We learn the beginning of his over-eating started when he got a job as a teen and finally had money for food and doubled up since he had a large family. Antone wants to find the athlete in him again and live again. Superbowl tickets wouldn't hurt either! Speaking of hurt, Antone's teammate Jennifer has a stress fracture and can't put weight on her ankle for three weeks. Looks like lots of sitting exercise (sounds good to me!)

Another goddamn challenge. The typical equipment in the training room has been moved around. The challenge is for the teams to work together to burn the most calories in four quarters (15 minutes per quarter). The winning team gets a spa day. Um, ok- thank you? So everyone does the equipment they do well on (bikes, rowing, treadmills, etc.) It's like a Curves in here, amirite? This challenge is such a time waster and I believe it took up about 20 minutes of the show. I wouldn't know because I fast-forwarded. The black team wins the spa day but Bob convinces his team to decline spa day to focus on losing weight. Instead everyone trains with NFL stars and I can cackle at seeing Tim Tebow.

Weigh-in. Mike, from the old people's team, loses 17lbs (5.86%) which means all the clips of him talking about the Superbowl this episode was obvious foreshadowing. Oh and Jennifer, the one with the bum ankle, still lost 16lbs (5.25%). WTF? Anna Kournikova's old people have to lose 22lbs and with four players, I'd say it's take a miracle for the red team to be the safe team this week (despite a week of good numbers). Anna cries over her team. Bitch stop crying, you're a coach not a contestant.

Red loses the weigh-in and must decide who to send home (only Jessica is safe since she is the biggest loser on her team). So the red team all cry to each other about why they aren't ready to go home yet. Hey people, NO ONE is. It's the nature of the game. Patrick requests the team write his name down and they all respond by crying really hard and shouting no. He gives an inspirational speech too set to dramatic music. For a split second I thought the guys would swap votes (well one dude did) but the rest of the team respects Patrick's wishes and vote him off.

Survivor: South Pacific - Over at Redemption "Island," Christine and Papa Bear battle in this week's duel. A bitter Papa Bear swears his allegiance to the other tribe now should he re-enter the game. The duel itself is to toss sandbags onto ten crates. I'm having flashbacks to when I tripped face first over a game of cornhole two weeks ago. Maybe it's good editing, but the duel isn't as dull as I expected. It's a real close battle but Christine wins the duel and sticks around to fight again.

Jim begins to notice a bond between Elyse and Ozzy and decides they should eliminate Elyse. Umm why not Ozzy, you moron? Jim approaches Cochran about it and of course Cochran is down: he's the next man out. Dawn think Ozzy's demands to not talk strategy is BS and it looks like a little alliance between Dawn, Cochran, and Jim could blossom to take out the pretty people.

Brandon continues to creep around Upolu, realizing he has a weird-ass temper, and tries to make amends with his tribemates. His big reveal: telling Edna that they've been lying to her and she's not part of the core five. Edna's hurt but keeps butt-kissing those in the five to try to make herself useful and she won't stop talking.

This week's immunity challenge has three tribe members holding poles behind their backs and getting weight added on (two men, one woman). Who gets extra weight is chosen by the other tribe in 20lb increments. Along with the immunity comes a prize of a rooster and two chickens. The show wisely realizes adding weights is boring so we get a little fast forward montage. Keith is Savaii is first to drop with 180lbs on his back, and Albert of Upolu follows shortly after. Jim and Brandon set new Survivor records with 240lbs and that's enough to take them both down. It's down to the ladies (Dawn and Stacey), both women hunched over with all their weight. It is a tense middle-aged lady showdown and the victor is... Dawn! Savaii wins immunity and the poultry cage.

Upolu has to now decide who should be eliminated. Edna feels safe because of her alliance (um, didn't you learn you didn't have a real alliance?) and Stacey wouldn't be surprised if they eliminate her despite holding up over 100lbs in the challenge. Coach talks to Stacey who tries to defend her position on the tribe, meaning the strength that Edna doesn't have. What Edna does have? She literally walks on Coach's back to massage it. Stacey plant seeds of doubt with Brandon, saying Albert, Sophie, and Mikayla have something, and Coach is like STFU you gullible idiot.

Tribal council! Coach commends Stacey's "warrior spirit"- barf. Probst asks the tribe to say what's most annoying about their tribemates and it comes out that Edna won't STFU. Edna tries to make it sound like Stacey isn't sociable (false) and Mikayla worries about Brandon's familial ties. Of course this allows Probst to get in lots of questions about the shithead-that-won't-be-named. Brandon cries about wanting to be someone they are proud of. Wah wah- let's vote. The tribe votes off Stacey and Coach tries to organize a hug for her and she's like psssssht, and brushes them away.

October 3, 2011

Serving of the Week

10/03/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served No comments

Name: Spooky Buddies
SERVED: After a night out with friends, I hopped into bed to catch up on Grey's Anatomy on Comcast OnDemand. This version doesn't allow fast forwarding but has some commercials throughout. It's a good trade-off because I can still watch it on TV. That is until you see the same commercials over and over... and over. The one that irked me the most: Spooky Buddies.

Good god this movie looks like shit. First of all, when did technology decide to make the puppies' mouths move? I long for the Look Who's Talking Now days of animal voiceovers and mouths not moving. SERVED. Second, these aren't even very cute golden retriever puppies. If you're going to make a puppy movie, pick the cutest puppies ever. SERVED. Most of all, I hate the commercials. Make it stop. These direct to DVD movies are god awful and a disgrace to the legacy of that original awesome Air Bud dog. My greatest fear is one day having a child that sees a movie like this and then I'd be forced to watch shit like this all year round, non-stop, regardless of holiday. Shame on the people who put money into this crap. SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

October 2, 2011

Reality Rundown: Awkwardly Moan if You Love Donuts

New! The Amazing RaceThe Biggest Loser
Survivor: South Pacific

New! The Amazing Race - Time for another race around the world. This season we have Olympic snowboarders, a Survivor supercouple, siblings (and twins!), grandparents, showgirls, flight attendants, and the usual dating and married couples.

Phil gives his usual explanation of the race including the Express Pass which will be won by whoever comes in first this leg. At a temple in Los Angeles, the race doesn't begin with a footrace but a puzzle to figure out their first destination. We're also given the teaser that the team who completes this challenge last will receive a penalty. The snowboarders (my pick to win) figure out the clue first, so pat me on the back now. Last place are the showgirls, who bragged in their video intro that they were also smart. HA! They will have to complete an additional task called the Hazard. In another "we're so hot yet smart too" move, when they stop for directions at a gas station, one of them drops their passport and they have to drive back to get it. Bad news: that passport is no longer at the gas station. Someone ain't going far!

In the rental cars, the teams learn their first destination is Taipei, Taiwan. As the other teams check in at the airport, the showgirls fight about the passport. At some point, the airport pages them because someone found and delivered their passport. He saw other teams, tweeted about it, and found out they needed to get it to the airport. Technology saves the showgirls. Meanwhile, Ethan and Jenna head off to a bookstore to study and Jenna said they aren't going to tell the other racers they were on Survivor. Seriously? You think these teams don't know you? Some don't, but others quickly inform those teams that they are both million dollar winners.

Upon their Taipei arrival, the teams have to search for a billboard in a commercial district instead of the usual cluebox. Everyone is completely dumbfounded, which leads to some bickering between siblings Justin and Jennifer. Only twelve hours later and it's chaos. Most terrible at this clue: the grandparents who wander aimlessly unable to find the clue. But along with the married couple they figure out the billboard clue and get some interpretation to know it's Confucious temple. At the temple is a Road Block: use a payphone to call and listen to a Confucious proverb which they have to recite back correctly. A pay phone? LOLZ- those still exist? I was hoping for the corny jokes but it's deep thoughts stuff and pretty long. Cindy, part of a dating couple with Ernie, figures the clue out first and is followed by sister Jennifer. One of the twins is horrible at this and they fight a whole lot.

The teams head to their next task of paddling a Chinese dragon boat and bang a drum to the correct rhythm to lead the rowers. It's uneventful. Lisa and Kaylani, the showgirls, have to finish their Hazard task before doing the boat task. They have to go to a mall and complete an additional task, which is one of them has to bungee jump in the mall. So it's really not that difficult, just maybe a little time consuming. It seems like a rip-off of its own Speed Bump task except this was assigned before someone evaded non-elimination. It'd say this was a bust.

Ernie and Cindy keep up their lead and finish this task first, leading them to be the first to check into the Pit Stop. They win the Express Pass which means they can use the pass to skip a future task. Now as other teams are checking into the Pit Stop, the grandparents, Bill and Cathi, are still meandering around the first clue when a teen mercifully translates for them. They complete their tasks and arrive ready to be done, but the first leg is a non-elimination leg and now they will have to "endure" a Speed Bump. There's a catch though: next leg is a double elimination. Well they might stand a chance cause I guarantee there's an equalizer.

The Biggest Loser - Alison interrupts a kitchen guitar jam session and asks for a volunteer from each team to follow her. They enter the most delicious looking donut room ever which means temptation time. The gym will only be open three times a day in two hour increments and teams can only work out during one timeslot all week. To decide when your team works out you have to eat a bunch of mini donuts and if your team eats the most you decide your time and the other teams' times. I'd eat zero donuts cause they were gross, boring plain donuts. At least hook it up with some chocolate glazed. Johnny wants them to think he's eating and makes the creepiest sexual noises of pretend eating and then someone has to compete twice so the show volunteers him again to get some sexy moans in. John, from Bob's middle aged team, eats almost the entire tray (37 donuts). Damnnnnn. But he gets to pick workout times? BFD. He choses the 5am-7am slot for his team, 12pm-2pm for the old people blues (because he respects them), and the young'ns get the late night shift.

Bob loves the early morning shift, waking him team with a bullhorn and air humping to his own "good morning" tune. What Bob doesn't like is that John at 37 donuts just to pick a stupid workout time, so he tortures him with weights. Then tortures them/us more with morning freestyle songs. Sunny doesn't like John and confronts him for calling her dumb as a box of rocks, IQ of 90, etc. His team doesn't like his attitude or that he's wheelin' and dealin' with the red team. Anna's training is less eventful and her voice makes me yawn. Johnny is old and has obligations or something and doesn't want to fight like the others. At 8pm, before their 9pm training session, Dolvett squeezes in some product placement for yogurt. They work off their low-cal yogurt with a 9pm-11pm workout with a bi-polar Dolvett workout. Happy trainer one minute, ballbuster the next. I love him.

Later Dr. Huizenga, the Steven Adler doppelganger, gives his yearly grim prognosis to all the contestants. You're diabetic, you're going to die soon. I always love the "real age" where they tell a 27 year old that they are internally 50.

The losers are brought to a pool where they need to balance on a raft and use their body weights to a ball through the maze. Winning team gets a 2lb advantage; second place gets a 1lb advantage. It's a lot of strategic jogging, yelling, and jumping up and down. It's actually a difficult challenge because it's requiring brains and brawn in an interesting way. The black team wins the challenge and red comes in second. Old people are screwed.

Weigh-in! The women from the red and black teams are the strong ones this week, breaking through the infamous week two barrier. Ramon, who got told that he's a diabetic old man but only 27, is a standout guy with a 9lb loss. Former NFL player Antone is gets 10lbs, but asshole John is the best loss with 15lbs. But he did burn off the calories of 37 mini donuts and that's impressive. The blue team weighs in so you kind of know what's coming. Don't tell my roommate I typed that- she loves the blue team. Johnny doesn't orgasm on the scale because he gained 2lbs. Anna says she's "surprised but not surprised" because he makes a lot of excuses. Elimination leads to a battle of the "onnies": Bonnie or Johnny. Bonnie's got a dud leg, Johnny's got a dud attitude. He receives two votes and is eliminated because even if there was a tie he'd go home.

Survivor: South Pacific - Christina joins Semhar, who has braided that gorgeous hair of hers, at Redemption "Island" and gives the dirt on her tribe, particularly her dislike for Coach. Buddy/buddy can't last long because they have the battle. In the audience are Coach (who wants to watch Christine lose), Stacy, Ozzy, and Elyse. The challenge itself is to balance a totem (tiki idol) on poles that will get taller and taller. I hope it's a cursed Brady bunch tiki. The battle gets off to a delayed start as Semhar mutters self poetry to herself, causing Jeff to exhale loudly in impatience. The poetry calms her but doesn't give her any additional strength as Christine wins the duel and Semhar is the first officially gone from the game.

Brandon is feeling guilty for being a liar and a creepster. First step: come clean about being the nephew of a huge turd. Mikayla later confronts Brandon of why he is gunning for her for no apparent reason. He turns it around into some group meeting to I guess call out Mikayla but instead makes himself look horrible.

Over at Savaii, Papa Bear is feeling on the outs. Ozzy needs to spill some beans like Brandon and tells his bud Keith that he has the hidden immunity idol. Keith then tells Whitney, so nice trust bro.

The immunity challenge is for one person to traverse a floating bridge while their tribe wheels them on a kickboard dragging some puzzle shit. The puzzle pieces have to be lifted via hooks and then assembled into a tribe flag. I was going to make a puzzle rant, but there's so many elements that the challenge is interesting. Reward is also on the line with coffee, tea, sugar, and some cookies. I wish they were product placement cookies but I guess I'm still on a Biggest Loser high. The grappeling hook proves tricky for the Savaii women, whereas Coach nails it. Coach and Edna get the puzzle going and win immunity for Upolu.

Savaii has two obvious weak links to choose from: Papa Bear and Cochran. Not slow-ass Dawn? Papa Bear and Cochran bond a little over their outcast status and acknowledge the dire straits. Cochran wants to campaign to stay but also doesn't want to be the neurotic guy from the first tribal council. Papa Bear creates suspicion when he bolts from the ocean to the middle of the island, hunting for the immunity idol. He constructs a fake idol and shoves it down his box briefs for more bulge action. Returning with a smile on his face and openly claiming he found the idol, Savaii ponders who is the right person to vote off.

At Tribal, Cochran and Papa Bear are of course the focus since one of them is going home. Papa Bear would like to be a leader but knows he has nothing in common with the controlling five (Ozzy, Keith, Jim, Elyse, Whitney). Papa Bear tries to make Dawn understand she's not in the five either but she's such a non-entity that no one cares. The tribe votes and it's Papa Bear heading to spend a few days at Redemption Island with Christine.