October 2, 2011

Reality Rundown: Awkwardly Moan if You Love Donuts

New! The Amazing RaceThe Biggest Loser
Survivor: South Pacific

New! The Amazing Race - Time for another race around the world. This season we have Olympic snowboarders, a Survivor supercouple, siblings (and twins!), grandparents, showgirls, flight attendants, and the usual dating and married couples.

Phil gives his usual explanation of the race including the Express Pass which will be won by whoever comes in first this leg. At a temple in Los Angeles, the race doesn't begin with a footrace but a puzzle to figure out their first destination. We're also given the teaser that the team who completes this challenge last will receive a penalty. The snowboarders (my pick to win) figure out the clue first, so pat me on the back now. Last place are the showgirls, who bragged in their video intro that they were also smart. HA! They will have to complete an additional task called the Hazard. In another "we're so hot yet smart too" move, when they stop for directions at a gas station, one of them drops their passport and they have to drive back to get it. Bad news: that passport is no longer at the gas station. Someone ain't going far!

In the rental cars, the teams learn their first destination is Taipei, Taiwan. As the other teams check in at the airport, the showgirls fight about the passport. At some point, the airport pages them because someone found and delivered their passport. He saw other teams, tweeted about it, and found out they needed to get it to the airport. Technology saves the showgirls. Meanwhile, Ethan and Jenna head off to a bookstore to study and Jenna said they aren't going to tell the other racers they were on Survivor. Seriously? You think these teams don't know you? Some don't, but others quickly inform those teams that they are both million dollar winners.

Upon their Taipei arrival, the teams have to search for a billboard in a commercial district instead of the usual cluebox. Everyone is completely dumbfounded, which leads to some bickering between siblings Justin and Jennifer. Only twelve hours later and it's chaos. Most terrible at this clue: the grandparents who wander aimlessly unable to find the clue. But along with the married couple they figure out the billboard clue and get some interpretation to know it's Confucious temple. At the temple is a Road Block: use a payphone to call and listen to a Confucious proverb which they have to recite back correctly. A pay phone? LOLZ- those still exist? I was hoping for the corny jokes but it's deep thoughts stuff and pretty long. Cindy, part of a dating couple with Ernie, figures the clue out first and is followed by sister Jennifer. One of the twins is horrible at this and they fight a whole lot.

The teams head to their next task of paddling a Chinese dragon boat and bang a drum to the correct rhythm to lead the rowers. It's uneventful. Lisa and Kaylani, the showgirls, have to finish their Hazard task before doing the boat task. They have to go to a mall and complete an additional task, which is one of them has to bungee jump in the mall. So it's really not that difficult, just maybe a little time consuming. It seems like a rip-off of its own Speed Bump task except this was assigned before someone evaded non-elimination. It'd say this was a bust.

Ernie and Cindy keep up their lead and finish this task first, leading them to be the first to check into the Pit Stop. They win the Express Pass which means they can use the pass to skip a future task. Now as other teams are checking into the Pit Stop, the grandparents, Bill and Cathi, are still meandering around the first clue when a teen mercifully translates for them. They complete their tasks and arrive ready to be done, but the first leg is a non-elimination leg and now they will have to "endure" a Speed Bump. There's a catch though: next leg is a double elimination. Well they might stand a chance cause I guarantee there's an equalizer.

The Biggest Loser - Alison interrupts a kitchen guitar jam session and asks for a volunteer from each team to follow her. They enter the most delicious looking donut room ever which means temptation time. The gym will only be open three times a day in two hour increments and teams can only work out during one timeslot all week. To decide when your team works out you have to eat a bunch of mini donuts and if your team eats the most you decide your time and the other teams' times. I'd eat zero donuts cause they were gross, boring plain donuts. At least hook it up with some chocolate glazed. Johnny wants them to think he's eating and makes the creepiest sexual noises of pretend eating and then someone has to compete twice so the show volunteers him again to get some sexy moans in. John, from Bob's middle aged team, eats almost the entire tray (37 donuts). Damnnnnn. But he gets to pick workout times? BFD. He choses the 5am-7am slot for his team, 12pm-2pm for the old people blues (because he respects them), and the young'ns get the late night shift.

Bob loves the early morning shift, waking him team with a bullhorn and air humping to his own "good morning" tune. What Bob doesn't like is that John at 37 donuts just to pick a stupid workout time, so he tortures him with weights. Then tortures them/us more with morning freestyle songs. Sunny doesn't like John and confronts him for calling her dumb as a box of rocks, IQ of 90, etc. His team doesn't like his attitude or that he's wheelin' and dealin' with the red team. Anna's training is less eventful and her voice makes me yawn. Johnny is old and has obligations or something and doesn't want to fight like the others. At 8pm, before their 9pm training session, Dolvett squeezes in some product placement for yogurt. They work off their low-cal yogurt with a 9pm-11pm workout with a bi-polar Dolvett workout. Happy trainer one minute, ballbuster the next. I love him.

Later Dr. Huizenga, the Steven Adler doppelganger, gives his yearly grim prognosis to all the contestants. You're diabetic, you're going to die soon. I always love the "real age" where they tell a 27 year old that they are internally 50.

The losers are brought to a pool where they need to balance on a raft and use their body weights to a ball through the maze. Winning team gets a 2lb advantage; second place gets a 1lb advantage. It's a lot of strategic jogging, yelling, and jumping up and down. It's actually a difficult challenge because it's requiring brains and brawn in an interesting way. The black team wins the challenge and red comes in second. Old people are screwed.

Weigh-in! The women from the red and black teams are the strong ones this week, breaking through the infamous week two barrier. Ramon, who got told that he's a diabetic old man but only 27, is a standout guy with a 9lb loss. Former NFL player Antone is gets 10lbs, but asshole John is the best loss with 15lbs. But he did burn off the calories of 37 mini donuts and that's impressive. The blue team weighs in so you kind of know what's coming. Don't tell my roommate I typed that- she loves the blue team. Johnny doesn't orgasm on the scale because he gained 2lbs. Anna says she's "surprised but not surprised" because he makes a lot of excuses. Elimination leads to a battle of the "onnies": Bonnie or Johnny. Bonnie's got a dud leg, Johnny's got a dud attitude. He receives two votes and is eliminated because even if there was a tie he'd go home.

Survivor: South Pacific - Christina joins Semhar, who has braided that gorgeous hair of hers, at Redemption "Island" and gives the dirt on her tribe, particularly her dislike for Coach. Buddy/buddy can't last long because they have the battle. In the audience are Coach (who wants to watch Christine lose), Stacy, Ozzy, and Elyse. The challenge itself is to balance a totem (tiki idol) on poles that will get taller and taller. I hope it's a cursed Brady bunch tiki. The battle gets off to a delayed start as Semhar mutters self poetry to herself, causing Jeff to exhale loudly in impatience. The poetry calms her but doesn't give her any additional strength as Christine wins the duel and Semhar is the first officially gone from the game.

Brandon is feeling guilty for being a liar and a creepster. First step: come clean about being the nephew of a huge turd. Mikayla later confronts Brandon of why he is gunning for her for no apparent reason. He turns it around into some group meeting to I guess call out Mikayla but instead makes himself look horrible.

Over at Savaii, Papa Bear is feeling on the outs. Ozzy needs to spill some beans like Brandon and tells his bud Keith that he has the hidden immunity idol. Keith then tells Whitney, so nice trust bro.

The immunity challenge is for one person to traverse a floating bridge while their tribe wheels them on a kickboard dragging some puzzle shit. The puzzle pieces have to be lifted via hooks and then assembled into a tribe flag. I was going to make a puzzle rant, but there's so many elements that the challenge is interesting. Reward is also on the line with coffee, tea, sugar, and some cookies. I wish they were product placement cookies but I guess I'm still on a Biggest Loser high. The grappeling hook proves tricky for the Savaii women, whereas Coach nails it. Coach and Edna get the puzzle going and win immunity for Upolu.

Savaii has two obvious weak links to choose from: Papa Bear and Cochran. Not slow-ass Dawn? Papa Bear and Cochran bond a little over their outcast status and acknowledge the dire straits. Cochran wants to campaign to stay but also doesn't want to be the neurotic guy from the first tribal council. Papa Bear creates suspicion when he bolts from the ocean to the middle of the island, hunting for the immunity idol. He constructs a fake idol and shoves it down his box briefs for more bulge action. Returning with a smile on his face and openly claiming he found the idol, Savaii ponders who is the right person to vote off.

At Tribal, Cochran and Papa Bear are of course the focus since one of them is going home. Papa Bear would like to be a leader but knows he has nothing in common with the controlling five (Ozzy, Keith, Jim, Elyse, Whitney). Papa Bear tries to make Dawn understand she's not in the five either but she's such a non-entity that no one cares. The tribe votes and it's Papa Bear heading to spend a few days at Redemption Island with Christine.


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