October 10, 2011

Reality Rundown: Fakin' the Spelunk

The Amazing RaceThe Biggest Loser
Survivor: South Pacific

The Amazing Race - The teams depart Taiwan and fly to Yogyakarta, Indonesia where two teams will be elimination in a sweet double elimination leg. Not surprising: there's an equalizer so everyone is in even footing. This would've been a more hilarious joke season 10. Google it if you don't get it. When the teams land in Indonesia they all have to take the same train to Yogyakarta. I hate typing that. Jennifer and Justin, the brother/sister team, begin to fight and argue about calling to research other transportation and it's really annoying. Also, I thought the clue said they had to take the train so why are they fighting? Take a nap on the all night train, you need it.

Teams take taxis to this awesome vertical cave called Goa Jomblang and it's a Road Block. One team member will have the spelunk in the cave to pick up a mask and dagger and climb a bamboo ladder to deliver the artifacts. I love to say "spelunking" (it was always a Carmen Sandiego computer game clue), so I like this. Old people Bill and Cathi reach their speed bump before the Road Block: unravel a rope. Are you fucking kidding me? The spelunking is pretty cool, particularly the scenic descent down. There's no 127 Hours kind of calamity either so good for them.

Teams then head to a Detour: dance for money on the streets or work at motorbike parking attendants. At least the Detour for once has teams choosing both options instead of past seasons where there's one obvious choice. I'd do ticket taker because I hate pan-handling. There's also little dancing and more bang on people's car windows begging for change. The money the teams raise will be donated to an orphanage when they retrieve the clue. The kicker is a sign at the orphanage that requires the teams to also give up any money in their possession to the orphanage as well. Someone's gonna try to be shady. The thing is, the sign is in no way obvious so teams skip past it. Clue fail, Amazing Race. It's also a sneaky, shitty thing to do on a double elimination leg.

When Ernie and Cindy are the first team to arrive they are given the bad news by Phil that they were supposed to give up their money. Any teams that didn't give up the cash have to go back, which rightfully makes Cindy go apeshit cause this sign this was BS. Only the snowboarders, father/son, and showgirls notice the sign to leave their money behind. Everyone else ends up getting to the check-in mat and getting sent back. What's weird is that Bill/Cathi and the twins don't seem surprised when Phil asks them about the money. Like did they see it and ignore it? The snowboarders, who were fourth, end up first and win a trip to Ireland. So the question is, who are the victims of the double elimination? Survivor supercouple Ethan and Jenna (who bickered a lot and misplaced a clue at some point) and domestic partners/flight attendants Ron and Bill (who enjoyed their time on this leg and knew they just had to enjoy it).

The Biggest Loser - It's NFL week on the ranch which explains the super ginormous NFL jerseys and the lifesize cut-outs placed on a football field. The challenge is to throw footballs into another player's target (and nice mesh net in the belly); last player standing wins $5,000. They aren't competing alone and bring in NFL players Clay Matthews, Tony Gonzalez, and Drew Brees to compete against them. This means nothing to me. There's another twist: whoever has the highest percentage of weight-loss at the end of the week wins VIP tickets to the Superbowl. The red team (young guns) systematically take out the others teams until it's just their youthiness battling. Courtney ends up winning the money but I think everyone just cares about Superbowl tix.

Bob wants to keep a close eye on Antone this week because Antone was once an NFL player so this might set him off. We learn the beginning of his over-eating started when he got a job as a teen and finally had money for food and doubled up since he had a large family. Antone wants to find the athlete in him again and live again. Superbowl tickets wouldn't hurt either! Speaking of hurt, Antone's teammate Jennifer has a stress fracture and can't put weight on her ankle for three weeks. Looks like lots of sitting exercise (sounds good to me!)

Another goddamn challenge. The typical equipment in the training room has been moved around. The challenge is for the teams to work together to burn the most calories in four quarters (15 minutes per quarter). The winning team gets a spa day. Um, ok- thank you? So everyone does the equipment they do well on (bikes, rowing, treadmills, etc.) It's like a Curves in here, amirite? This challenge is such a time waster and I believe it took up about 20 minutes of the show. I wouldn't know because I fast-forwarded. The black team wins the spa day but Bob convinces his team to decline spa day to focus on losing weight. Instead everyone trains with NFL stars and I can cackle at seeing Tim Tebow.

Weigh-in. Mike, from the old people's team, loses 17lbs (5.86%) which means all the clips of him talking about the Superbowl this episode was obvious foreshadowing. Oh and Jennifer, the one with the bum ankle, still lost 16lbs (5.25%). WTF? Anna Kournikova's old people have to lose 22lbs and with four players, I'd say it's take a miracle for the red team to be the safe team this week (despite a week of good numbers). Anna cries over her team. Bitch stop crying, you're a coach not a contestant.

Red loses the weigh-in and must decide who to send home (only Jessica is safe since she is the biggest loser on her team). So the red team all cry to each other about why they aren't ready to go home yet. Hey people, NO ONE is. It's the nature of the game. Patrick requests the team write his name down and they all respond by crying really hard and shouting no. He gives an inspirational speech too set to dramatic music. For a split second I thought the guys would swap votes (well one dude did) but the rest of the team respects Patrick's wishes and vote him off.

Survivor: South Pacific - Over at Redemption "Island," Christine and Papa Bear battle in this week's duel. A bitter Papa Bear swears his allegiance to the other tribe now should he re-enter the game. The duel itself is to toss sandbags onto ten crates. I'm having flashbacks to when I tripped face first over a game of cornhole two weeks ago. Maybe it's good editing, but the duel isn't as dull as I expected. It's a real close battle but Christine wins the duel and sticks around to fight again.

Jim begins to notice a bond between Elyse and Ozzy and decides they should eliminate Elyse. Umm why not Ozzy, you moron? Jim approaches Cochran about it and of course Cochran is down: he's the next man out. Dawn think Ozzy's demands to not talk strategy is BS and it looks like a little alliance between Dawn, Cochran, and Jim could blossom to take out the pretty people.

Brandon continues to creep around Upolu, realizing he has a weird-ass temper, and tries to make amends with his tribemates. His big reveal: telling Edna that they've been lying to her and she's not part of the core five. Edna's hurt but keeps butt-kissing those in the five to try to make herself useful and she won't stop talking.

This week's immunity challenge has three tribe members holding poles behind their backs and getting weight added on (two men, one woman). Who gets extra weight is chosen by the other tribe in 20lb increments. Along with the immunity comes a prize of a rooster and two chickens. The show wisely realizes adding weights is boring so we get a little fast forward montage. Keith is Savaii is first to drop with 180lbs on his back, and Albert of Upolu follows shortly after. Jim and Brandon set new Survivor records with 240lbs and that's enough to take them both down. It's down to the ladies (Dawn and Stacey), both women hunched over with all their weight. It is a tense middle-aged lady showdown and the victor is... Dawn! Savaii wins immunity and the poultry cage.

Upolu has to now decide who should be eliminated. Edna feels safe because of her alliance (um, didn't you learn you didn't have a real alliance?) and Stacey wouldn't be surprised if they eliminate her despite holding up over 100lbs in the challenge. Coach talks to Stacey who tries to defend her position on the tribe, meaning the strength that Edna doesn't have. What Edna does have? She literally walks on Coach's back to massage it. Stacey plant seeds of doubt with Brandon, saying Albert, Sophie, and Mikayla have something, and Coach is like STFU you gullible idiot.

Tribal council! Coach commends Stacey's "warrior spirit"- barf. Probst asks the tribe to say what's most annoying about their tribemates and it comes out that Edna won't STFU. Edna tries to make it sound like Stacey isn't sociable (false) and Mikayla worries about Brandon's familial ties. Of course this allows Probst to get in lots of questions about the shithead-that-won't-be-named. Brandon cries about wanting to be someone they are proud of. Wah wah- let's vote. The tribe votes off Stacey and Coach tries to organize a hug for her and she's like psssssht, and brushes them away.