November 20, 2011

Reality Rundown: Bunnies Jumping Hurdles Are Cuter Than Anything Imaginable

The Amazing RaceThe Biggest LoserSurvivor: South PacificTop Chef: Texas

The Amazing Race - It's off to Copenhagen, Denmark, a first time ever for the show. Not a first time ever: shoving Ford Focus product placement down our throats. Oh and there's another dumb Double U-Turn will be waiting for them in Denmark. The only thing that could be good is that dumb father/son Laurence and Zac used the U-Turn on Amani and Marcus last week but it didn't matter since they were ahead of them. All teams are on the same flight to Denmark via the Netherlands except for Laurence/Zac who book a different flight via London, which arrives first. Amani and Marcus make the dumb mistake in Amsterdam that everyone will be on the same flight so they go eat and doddle around a Hudson News or something. Wrong! Everyone is way gone and they are stupidly still there.

Who gives a shit about flights though when there's an equalizer, as the clue opens at 7am (well, Marcus and Amani might because their flight lands at 8:20am). When the location opens, teams need to search for two flags that will tell them their next destination: Frederiksborg Slot. The teams deduce that "borg" is castle and a map at the castle incorrectly advises the dating couple to go to some other castle. I don't even know this couple's name but eventually learn it's Jeremy and Sandy; still don't care. This dumb mistake gives Amani and Marcus time to catch up, but then blow it by having horrible sense of direction and an overuse of football metaphors.

At the Slot the teams encounter a Road Block: one person needs to rock a period costume and learn a three-part old timey dance. Zac is horrible at it and takes forever and his dad yaps that he could've done better if he did it because it's "his forte." Well maybe you should fucking volunteered, braggart. After dancing to some hypnotic flutes, the teams perform a Detour: lead a rabbit through a steeplechase course on a leash or churn butter. In case you were wondering, seeing bunnies on leashes completely an agility course is the most adorable thing you will see in your entire life. Churning butter is less adorable and a little more like watching an episode of Gigolos.

Ernie and Cindy finish their tasks first and make it to the Double U-Turn first and use it on Bill and Cathi since they were churning butter together; Ernie isn't a fan of the move. But since Bill and Cathi come upon the Double U-Turn second, they U-Turn Laurence and Zac since they know they were behind them. I am happy about the U-Turn only because everyone was churning butter and neglecting the adorable bunnies since animals are temperamental at challenges. Bill and Cathi nail the course thanks to their newest, cutest pal, Speckles. Amani and Marcus easily get their bunny through the course too which shows that bunny challenges are perhaps the best choice going forward.

Ernie and Cindy head to the Pit Stop, Havet Ship, and finally win a leg (and a trip to Fiji). Jeremy and Sandy get so lost and they seem the obvious elimination choice, or maybe just last place seeing how many non-eliminations there have been. U-Turned Laurence and Zac have a quick course thanks to an encore use of Speckles but then get insanely lost driving and stuck in a massive traffic jam. This mishap allows Jeremy and Sandy to check in as team #5. Laurence and Zac are eliminated from the race.

The Biggest Loser - Alison informs the losers they are competing in a pentathlon all week and teams are gone; singles time! Return of the yellow line! The person who has the most pentathlon points at the end of the week wins immunity; last place in points gets a 1lb disadvantage. Alison, who has been standing by an election curtain, asks the losers to rank each in order of most deserving aka popularity contest and the coolest/least biggest a-hole gets 7pts and so forth. Sunny uses the Sean season 1 of Survivor strategy: alphabetical order. Others do strategy, Bonnie gives better scores to teachers, and John goes by weight-loss. So one event down, four to go!

Event 2 is to retrieve pegs to eliminate other players, so it's about playing the game and removing the threats. Sunny wins the challenge taking out Becky. Event 3 is "Knowledge" which is nutrition trivia. In a question about cheese, Bonnie calls it "mozzarelly" and "provoloney." Antone wins trivia with close to a clean sweep. Event 4 is strength and balance by pulling themselves across a pool while balancing on some bright yellow peanut shaped float thing. Surprise, Bonnie falls immediately. I figured she'd fall on the pool deck so she beat my expectations. Sunny wins her second event, making her a contender for that final prize. Olympian Apolo Anton Ohno comes by to shove Subway sandwiches down our throats. Actually, the losers throats but how annoying. Apolo leads the losers out to event 5, the final event, is to run a mile really fast but Apolo is going to run with them to motivate them. Jeez, maybe they should've hired you instead of the failed athlete. Ramon wins the event and beats his normal mile time.

The highlight of the episode for me is when Dolvett has a talk with John and opens up about his past as a foster child and being adopted. Won't lie, I got verklempt. I love Dolvett. Dolvett encourages John to fight and explains the reason he is pushing John by dropping a medicine ball on his stomach to make him fight. John later opens up to Dolvett about the death of his father and how he did the ceremony. OMG sad.

Weigh-in. First, the results of the popularity contest are given and Antone wins immunity and top of the chart. Sunny's alphabetical order totally effed her over- HAHA! Last place is Bonnie, so she gets a 1lb disadvantage. Bonnie loses 5lbs, which is surprising and shows she doesn't give up (except at attempting to run a mile). Unfortunately, everyone has a really good weight loss week where 5lbs (1.88%) for a woman is kinda low. Bonnie falls below the yellow line with her former teammate Becky (4lbs, 2.15%). Bonnie cries a bunch and I had to have my roommate translate that Bonnie requests to be voted out and to keep Becky.

Survivor: South Pacific - If you play the game three times you should be a master, so Coach's improvement is somewhat awesome. He tries to pacify the remaining Savaiis about Jim being a threat, though Whitney isn't buying Coach's Kool Aid. Cochran admits to sipping it and does a little Dragon Slayer Chi with the man. Coach admits his paranoia and vows to protect Cochran as well.

There's a "duel" between Ozzy, Jim, and Keith to balance poles with a board on top. The winner of the duel sticks around, the two losers because the first two jury members. No one is routing for Ozzy, Whitney is routing for Keith, Coach routes for no one, and others want Jim to win. Well Jim drops out first so bummer there. Keith falls out afterwards meaning Ozzy's fish binge paid odd. He then yaps more about enjoying time alone at Redemption eating fish and getting strong.

Immunity challenge: balance a bowl of rice on their heads across teeter totters and put into a container. Brandon, Dawn, and Sophie are the top contenders in the race. Sophie gets real ballsy and fills her bowl over the rim. This extra rice adds lots more weight and tilts her rice scale to victory. No reward or anything but there's a big twist coming to Tribal Council and Jim won't announce it til either.

Dawn is desperate to stay and Cochran is open to flipping again and rejoining Dawn and Whitney, which he thinks will make him look better to the jury. After the immunity challenge, Cochran double checks with Coach that Dawn and Whitney are the targets. Cochran is smart enough to think ahead that the twist could be an immediate immunity challenge and another vote and sees he could be in trouble. Dawn and Whitney aren't rolling over and decide Albert would be the best bet at a logical player. Albert's open to this because it gets him in good Savaii graces on the jury, takes out Coach's bottom bitch, and makes Cochran feel appreciated and higher up the food chain. How does Albert convince Cochran? By telling him Cochran is definitely looking at seventh place and he buys it (whether it's true or not, who knows). Albert and Cochran approach Sophie to help make this Edna plan happen and Sophie's torn about being a swing vote. Coach sees the scrambling and is not pleased and threatens "instant death" to those who "go against the family."

Tribal time! The pecking order is the discussion because Savaii is getting Pagonged and Jeff doesn't believe Cochran isn't thinking ahead further. Coach denies being the tribe leader and Whitney rolls her eyes cause it's so obvious Coach is the don of his scrappy little mafia. Jeff talies the votes and my main lady Dawn is heading to Redemption Island to eat fish and fruit with Ozzy. What a waste of exciting editing.

Cochran's earlier suspicions are correct and there is an immediate immunity challenge and vote happening at Tribal. The super quick immunity challenge is survival trivia questions with a wrong answer being immediate elimination. #1 target Whitney comes very close to winning immunity, but Sophie beats her in a final true/false question. Whitney is then quickly voted off. Next week, Cochran will probably go and it'll be a full Pagonging of the Savaii tribe.

Top Chef: Texas - Audition bullshit is finally over and now it's time for the good shit: Quickfire. And the first real Quickfire: cook some rattlesnakes. And I won't even dignify reusing the Snakes on a Plane line Padma drops. Soooo 2007. Bottom: Paul, Richie (too much citrus), Nyesha (overcooked rattlesnake). Best: Beverly, Dakota (beer battered, yum!), and Sarah. The winner of the Quickfire is Dakota, who gets $5,000 and immunity.

The cheftestants draw knives to be put into two teams: pink and green. Their client is a 15 year old girl having her Quincenera which is like a Sweet 16 except a year earlier and Spanish. They have to cater the event and since it's a birthday party there has to be a cake. Ding dong Keith botches immediately for the pink team by purchasing cooked shrimp for a cooking competition dish. Uhh, duh. The blame should go to the others too for not saying anything. There's some team friction with Keith who just wants to compete and skip the bickering. Green team has an authentic Mexican on their team to validate flavors so score one for green.

Pink team's dishes are: avocado fritter, pork tenderloin with pineapple salsa, ceviche with some popcorn, choclo con chile, enchiladas with salsa verde, carne asada, cochinita pibil, and a cake with strawberry and pineapple. The green team serves: pork carnita charrone, shrimp ceviche with yuca chip, tomatillo gazpacho, empanadas, goat birria, beef short rib asada, pulled chicken mole, and a vanilla tres leches cake that's got a crazy lean on. All in all, Blanca has a pretty sweet birthday, wears a big pretty dress, and gets to be on TV.

The winning team is the green team, meaning crybaby Beverly is safe (ugh). The obvious target is Keith, the cooked shrimp purchaser. They call in Ty Lor, Sarah, Lindsay and Keith to the judge's table; they are the least favorite dishes. A lack of leadership and poor menu planning are cited as main reasons for the downfall. The cooked shrimp comes up quickly and Hugh thinks it was a dumb move and deserved the lashing he got. Ty Lor's corn fritter was dry. The storebought tortillas Lindsay used sucked. Keith gets flack for using a flour tortilla for his empanadas, since you use corn tortillas. Sarah is like "I grew up in Texas and never use flour tortillas" and the judges are like, um shouldn't you have spoken up? Sarah is this season's Lisa- WHO BURNED MY RICE? Considering Lindsay lived in Mexico and failed, it's kind of a strike for her right off the bat. The first to go is Keith and his crummy empanadas and shrimp buying skills.