November 7, 2011

Reality Rundown: Enough GD Non-Elimination Legs

The Amazing RaceThe Biggest Loser
Survivor: South PacificNew! Top Chef Texas

The Amazing Race - The teams finally leave Thailand and fly to Malawi, Africa (home of Madonna's baby!) And whaddayaknow it's an equalizer with everyone on the same exact flight. Their clue takes them to a tobacco warehouse to pick up the next clue: a Roadblock. One teammate will have to transport 10 bales of tobacco through the warehouse using a little dolly. The actual workers of the warehouse are the only distraction, cheering and singing as the racers complete the task. It's fun to see how excited they are. The old folks and Amani/Marcus are at the back of the pack due to crappy seats on the plane and bad cabbies. For a big dude, Marcus sucks at pushing the little cart and the team that departed first from the Pit Stop is now dead last.

After haulin tobaccey, teams take cabs to Memorial Tower to retrieve the next clue. The clue is a Detour to sew up seams on a coat and pants or to head to a local school and build two children's toy trucks. I'd do the trucks just to give back to the kids with a fun toy, but the suits would also be helpful so it's a win-win. Ernie/Cindy and old folks Bill/Cathi do the sewing which isn't too hard but a little tricky to find. Jeremy and Sandy finish the toys first and head to the next clue at a wooden furniture shop.

The teams need to pick up two beds at the furniture stop and transport them on a truck to the next Pit Stop. No beds, well they'll have nothing to sleep on and get a penalty. Sibling team Justin and Jennifer are team #1, but didn't pay the truck driver that helped with the beds. This means Andy and Tommy, who arrived seconds after, are team #1 (again!) and win a trip to the British Virgin Islands. Amani/Marcus end up behind thanks to a broken down cab on the way to the Detour. They kind of catch up and eventhough Bill/Cathi have the didn't-pay-the-driver-blunder too, Amani and Marcus are last to check in. Oh but who gives a shit because there's a third non-elimination leg and who the fuck cares there's no stakes on this race.

The Biggest Loser - The age-based teams and gone and now Anna will be able to get people of a variety of ages eliminated. To get their new teams, the losers put on their original age shirts and meet up with Samantha Gene Brady. The nine are split into groups of three and have to guess calories of dishes. If you come closes you pick first, second picks second, third gets stuck with Anna (cause we KNOW that's what'll happen). In the end a young, middle, and old will end up on each team. The new teams are: Jessica, John, Bonnie with Dolvett; Vinny, Antone, Becky with Bob; Ramon, Sunny, and Joe stuck with Anna. Ramon doesn't like Anna for her stupid personal comments last week so this should be awesome. Now Joe picked Anna not for her hot bod or training abilities: he chose based on the members of the team. Now did he mean they would be a strong team or that he could beat the other two? We'll see.

Right off the bat, Ramon airs his grievances with Anna for being a buttinski. Joe just continues to insist Bob knows him so well and Anna will fail. Anna tries to explain that they can't be addicted to trainers, they need to do this on their own. Then she tells Joe to not be a crybaby. Anna kicks her teams' asses to show she's the boss. John, now on Dolvett's red team, breaks down in tears in Bob's arms. O. M. G. You're insane. Dolvett brushes it off and is ready for the challenge of working out losers in different age ranges and skills. Antone is a little mopey with Bob because he misses the old team. Again, get over it. Not bitching? Bonnie! She's free of Anna, loves Dolvett, and has an emotional breakthrough about finding love again.

The challenge is most awesome: slip 'n slides! They'll sliiiiide down, pick up blocks, and use these blocks to spell out the prize they want. Bonnie takes her time down the slide so that her teammates can do the puzzle and she cries at the end? Another fake injury? Nope, overwhelmed with joy. The blue team wins with "Immunity for 1" and the black team is just seconds behind (they were shooting for "3lb advantage"). Blue team has only five minutes to choose who gets immunity and are all boo-hoo we all want immunity. Well maybe you should've read the puzzle right. They rock/paper/scissors for it and Joe gets immunity.

Weigh-in! We learn a twist this week is that the two winning teams will vote one person off the losing team. Dolvett's red team puts up some great numbers (3.84%), with John dropping 15lbs- crazy! The black teams heads to the scale and all hit double digits (4.15%)- crazy x2! For Blue, Sunny and Ramon put up great numbers and it's up to immune Joe to not screw over the team. Joe drops big weight too and gives the blue team safety (4.91%). Goddamn, now I can't make Anna sucks jokes. Dolvett ends up the losing trainer again and it's time for the blue and black teams to vote off a red teamer. I figured it was a pretty obvious vote with Bonnie heading home. Except the votes aren't coming out in Jessica's favor and she's eliminated. Ramon ain't happy, especially with his new teammates.

Survivor: South Pacific - Savaii starts planning for post-merge. Keith is passive aggressive and Cochran agrees to be the double agent that will pretend to flip on his tribe. Ozzy, over at Redemption Island, tells Christine that Cochran played the idol which eliminated him from the game. Will the move pay off?

In a weird twist that clearly screams "tribe merge!", everyone is invited to watch today's duel between Christine and Ozzy. Ozzy puts on a pissed off show while Cochran plays sad sap loser; Upolu doesn't buy it. The duel is to construct a long ass stick to collect keys to unlock locks. We've seen this a bunch of times. And of course, Ozzy's master plan could come to fruition, because indeed the winning playing will re-enter the game. After kicking ass for many days alone, Christine loses the duel. This means Ozzy's ballsy move pays off and Savaii might've pulled off something amazing. If anything, this is a huge selling point for Ozzy should he make the finale.

The newly merged tribe gets their feast and crushes some brews. Coach and Cochran have a little chat and he tells Coach the tribe hates him. Coach isn't stupid and completely calls Cochran out on everything and can tell it's some BS story and it was a bold move that played off and Savaii will be drawin' rocks next Tribal. Coach said if it's true Cochran felt ostracized, join the Upolu side and change the game. Cochran is not sure what to do: he actually trusts Upolu but reciprocates the trust from Ozzy and gives the immunity idol back. Cochran and his Savaii tribemate Dawn talk about their outcast status and worries about backstabbing the tribe, however Savaii treated Cochran like shit and she feels bad for not standing up for him.

First individual immunity challenge and what a second, there are two necklaces! One man and one woman will win immunity. They have to balance a coconut on an ever-expanding rope. This could be huge for Cochran and Dawn! Or just Dawn since she wins immunity for the girls while Cochran barely outlasts first-out Edna. Oh lordy, Cochran. The men comes down to Ozzy and hot Albert balancing their coconut. Albert drops and Ozzy wins immunity.

The Savaii 6 chat who to vote for and choose Rick after considering Sophie. If both tribes go 6/6 then you have to draw rocks and whoever pulls the purple rock goes home. Cochran tells Sophie the Savaii plan and Cochran might be wavering- it's hard to tell. Cochran just doesn't want to get jumped gang style after Tribal. Dawn and Cochran chat and he's thinking of flipping his vote once they get to a second re-vote.

Tribal- gaaaaaah what'll happen. So it's an obvious fact that there will be a 6-6 tie and likely it'll be up to fate to choose who is eliminated. I'm trying to pay attention but all I can think is "pull some fucking rocks!!!!" The immunity idol is a question and Albert points out Ozzy's horrible acting skills. Ozzy says WE, his tribe, have the idol. Ozzy plays the idol at the vote, or rather he gives it for Whitney to play. One problem: all the votes are for Keith so that didn't work. The votes are tired between Keith and Rick so there is a re-vote and you can only vote for Keith or Rick. The votes come in 7-5... Keith is eliminated. Cochran immediately admits he flipped and says he'll explain. He's called a coward by his team and Brandon defends him and says that's what you get for talking to people like that. Wow, SERVED. But then I feel SERVED because Keith's not out-out... Redemption Island still exists. Oh FML.

New! Top Chef Texas - 29 chefs meet up at the Alamo because it's Texas and you need to shove a Texas landmark in within the first 25 seconds or this season is shit. They will split into groups of three and then compete to make it into the top 16. The potential cheftestants head to the Top Chef kitchen for their first quickfire, hosted by head judge Tom Coliccio and new judge Emeril Lagasse. The teams will need to create dishes using the different cuts of a full pig (which they need to butcher themselves) and then majority rules when judging their dishes. You're either in, our, or on the bubble and will need to compete again. Those who make the grade get their navy blue Top Chef coat.

First group, which is like 90% chefs from Chicago. Some asshole guy, whose name I could care less to learn, brags the whole time and then ruins pork tenderloins and other meat. Tom is like, go, please go, you're cut. YAY! Two of the chefs competing are actually colleagues at the same restaurant and help each other. Coats go to: Chris (for an interesting take on pork and applesauce), some chick who made crispy pork skin, Nyesha (braised pork shoulder with TexMex flavors), Heather (baby back ribs over grits), Richie (onion soup with pig ears). On the bubble are cruise chef Molly (soup) and Grayson (itty bitty stuffed pork tenderloin). They will compete another time to maybe get the 16th slot.

Group 2 quickfire: all ten must pick the same ingredient and make a dish using it. The group picks rabbit and I weep on the inside. I thought Padma was the ultimate fail at pronouncing Tyler until I saw a dude's name was actually Ty-Lor. My apologies, Padma. Who gets coats: Whitney, Keith (cold rabbit and corn salsa), Dakota (rabbit creppinettes), Ty-Lor (confit rabbit leg with a side of sweet mustache), Chris (confit rabbit, best cooked of the day according to judges), and Chuy (adobo marinated rabbit). Bubble: Ed, Janine (rabbit nugget over grit and hash).

But wait, there are still nine chefs we haven't seen and bubble people. NEXT WEEK DORKS.

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