November 13, 2011

Reality Rundown: No One Curr About Fish

The Amazing RaceThe Biggest Loser
Survivor: South PacificTop Chef: Texas

The Amazing Race - I hate to be a Debbie Downer but watching TAR this season is like homework to me. This week the teams take a bus to the town of Salima for their clues and are warned there's a Double U-Turn ahead. Angry Mel alert! A team is still in the race because of last week's non-elimination so they have to complete a Speed Bump and there's the possibility for two teams to get screwed over, or the non-elimination team to get royally screwed. This show is so poorly planned this season. The bus doesn't depart until 7am so, surprise, Amani and Marcus are able to catch up with the pack and cut the line to get onto the same bus.

Amani and Marcus are immediately greeted by their Speed Bump when they arrive in Salima: solve a slide puzzle. Finally, a Speed Bump that is challenging and not like "drink this glass of water." The rest of the teams jump right into the Road Block, which is to operate a bike taxi and drop off a customer. Would be a lot nicer if they got a banana seat. Jennifer finishes the task but doesn't have her clue since she left it with her brother, meaning she's stumped what to do after she's dropped off his passenger. She is wandering around hoping to see another team rather than, I don't know, find your goddamn brother, get the clue, and start over?? It takes her ages to make that decision which was to come back anyways or something.

Next task is the Detour to paddle canoes or unload cargo from a ferry boat, walking in the ocean. In case you can't decide, the most obvious choice is the canoes since the cargo is to unload a shitload of stuff and people. The show didn't even put fucking effort into this and instead made an obvious Double U-Turn fuck-over task. Can you tell I'm over this shadow, a shadow of what it once was? Ernie and Cindy can't operate a foreign canoe and opt to use their Express Pass to skip the canoe (and the lugging) and avoid being U-Turned. Amani and Marcus are the true geniuses that do the unload the cargo. Did I mention they have to carry PEOPLE TOO? They end up getting ahead of a few times so I guess it's not too hard to lift people and cabbage when you're a former NFL player.

Ernie and Cindy reach the Double U-Turn first and instead of stickers there are touchscreens to use technology to fuck other people over. Laurence/Zac (the father/son team) try to U-Turn Amani and Marcus but haha shitheads, they were there just before you! It's an Ernie/Cindy and Andy/Tommy footrace battle to get to the Pit Stop first. It's so close, pretty much the only exciting thing to happen all season; Andy and Tommy are team #1 when they get checked in by Malawi's Coolio doppelganger. Andy and Tommy win $15,000; I am one step closer to an accurate winner prediction. Justin and Jennifer are way behind thanks to the setback and for once, there's no a goddamn non-elimination and they are out of the race.

The Biggest Loser - Ramon is crushed they sent his girlfriend home. The loser explain their vote was because Jessica was strong and a "threat" which some people don't like that the competition angle came up. Joe thinks he made the best decision for the blue team, but Ramon isn't hearing it. If the game is going to be played, dear god let Ramon throw the weigh-in!

Alison shows up not to the losers but to the trainers. This week, only one loser per team will represent their team on the scale and the trainers will have to select. The trainers have until the weigh-in to decide so I guess the best worker of the week (or the fattest person left) will be their choice. The trainers are there to benefit everyone though and give equal time, perspiration, and therapy chats to each team member.

All the losers and trainers head to the Art Institute of California's Los Angeles school for a challenge. The teams, along with their trainers, have to whip up a healthy dish in 30 minutes and be judged by Biggest Loser winner Olivia and Devon Alexander, the author of all the Biggest Loser cookbooks that people drain their money on. The prize for this challenge is super lame: a private chat with Olivia and their recipe in the new cookbook. There's also 1lb advantage, so that's a decent prize that makes up for the other junk. The winning team is Bob and the black team's pork medallions and slaw, which had only 210 calories. Impressive! The black team enjoys their victory lunch with Olivia and get scrapbooks made by their families.

Weigh-in. The trainers have to select their weigh-in loser before everyone climbs on the big fake scale. The "lucky" losers: Becky (black), Joe (blue), and John (red). John loses 10lbs (3.04%) and isn't happy; turns out old lady Bonnie did much better percentage wise. Becky loses 6lbs for the black team along with the 1lb advantage (3.65%), which leaves her team unscathed. Bob is mastering this season. Anna made a wise choice not picking Sunny (2lbs) and Ramon loses only 6lbs. Only Joe's weight loss masters in terms of the game this week and he loses only 2lbs and they are up for elimination. The black and red team get to decide who goes home from the blue team between Joe and Sunny. Joe is eliminated from the game and feels a little betrayed. You mean like when you kicked off Ramon's girlfriend last week?

Survivor: South Pacific - Post-Tribal, Ozzy and Cochran talk solo and Cochran explains it wasn't a revenge vote but him playing the game he's loved for 11 years. Then Whitney asks if Cochran was the vote (um, dingaling, he admitted it a Tribal) and Whitney is pissed and is "disgusted" by him. The Upolu embrace the sad ginge. Coach later performs his Dragon Slayer Tai Chi on the beach and gets a shaky fist. Perhaps he's shaking his fist at the tribe name: TE TUNA.

Immunity challenge this early? Oh yes because it's Double Tribal Council night! The first immunity challenge is in stages: toss coconuts, first four to finish then crack coconuts and spit water into a tube Double Dare style. Physical challenge! I was routing for Dawn, who each week surprises me. Instead Jim of the former Savaii tribe wins immunity. Ozzy is screwed.

Coach and Ozzy talk because Ozzy knows he's done. Coach doesn't mind the desperation pleas but is also like ehh too little, too late, love your Jesus hair. Dawn does some ass-kissing in case her name comes up and considers flipping again. Jim and Whitney bitch about Cochran flipping. Jim proposes to Ozzy that he'll give Ozzy his immunity necklace tonight to try to get everyone else to vote out Cochran. Wow, this is dumber than Ozzy's original Redemption Island plan.

Tribal Council. Savaii makes their arguments to show that they always saved Cochran and he's dishonorable. Jim makes his "epic speech" about getting rid of turncoats, wanting to give the immunity to Ozzy, blah blah. Coach has no plans to change the game and thinks getting rid of Cochran would send the message if you stand up for yourself you lose. Ozzy uses his god awful "I feed the tribe" argument. No one gives a flying fuck about the fish Ozzy. After talking such a big game, Jim keeps his immunity necklace and Ozzy is sent to Redemption Island. Again. Ozzy joins Keith at Redemption Island and dives deep into the reef to catch a gigundo fish for them to feast on. Oh jeez, maybe they should've kept you on the tribe!!!

Immunity challenge 2! They have to balance on a beam while balancing a ball on a bow. For the arrogant players, they can sit out the challenge and feast on breakfast goodies: muffins, donuts, iced coffee. Coach is torn because he should compete but he is hungry. Only Jim, Dawn and Whitney compete in the challenge; all of Upolu and Cochran binge-eat on donuts. HAHA AWESOME. Best moment: Probst asks Coach if he regrets not doing the challenge and Coach just begins to laugh with a mouthful of donut. Dawn claims she'll stay up as long as she can so Upolu can stuff their faces because they're "one tribe." Kiss ass! Dawn ends up bobbling and falling and Whitney wins immunity.

Cochran dances around camp wearing Coach's gaudy blazer. Jim thinks Cochran is playing a great game for third place and is confident he's out. Jim approaches Sophie and Albert, who he believes aren't drinking the cultist Kool Ad, with a plan to get rid of Edna. Albert appreciates the effort but would much rather get rid of likable, friendly Dawn, who is making friends with Upolu and getting in with the alliance. A tribe talk has Coach trying to evaluate whether to get rid of the snake (Dawn) or the rhinoceros (Jim).

Tribal Council. Jim is physical, Dawn is likable (and pretty physical, too). Brandon doesn't buy Dawn's earlier kind words after she contradicts herself and feelings about the breakfast feast. Brandon is ready to pick off all of Savaii one-by-one, excluding Cochran. Whitney cries about being vilified. In the Savaii sacrifice, it's Jim meeting up with his bros at Redemption Island.

Top Chef: Texas - More audition round qualifiers- gahhhh. The "final" group (because we know the kinda-rejects will cook again tonight) have to decide as a group who will cook with each ingredient. There's octopus, brussell sprouts and most importantly: RICE! WHO BURNED MY RICE?!?!? There's one more twist: under another silver platter, each person gets a timer with different time allotments to cook. The people with 20 minutes are not pleased! Moving on: Paul (grilled trout), Lindsay (braised veal), and some other chick whose name I missed (Korean style octopus). Bubble chefs: Andrew (roasted mushrooms), Laurent (duck). There's another rice failure when the risotto dude fails to plate.

The bubble chefs are freed from the stew room afters hours of judging each others' merits. There are two slots left and the buble chefs have one more qualifier to get in. The almost-cheftestants can use any ingredients to make a dish that proves why they should be here. This guy Edward really slices his hand up and while he wants to jump in right away, the medics clean his shizz up first. Blood free duck, please! Coats go to Grayson (bacon wrapped shrimp with fig) and Edward (bloody duck dude). Thank god auditions are over cause this is dullsville to recap.

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