Serving of the Week

Name: Rhianna

SERVED: Did you see this haircut? This Sideshow Bob look of Rhianna's must be SERVED. I know we all have bad hair days, but this is no excuse. SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit Best Week Ever

Reality Rundown: 1 Hour Episodes Are the Best Episodes

The Biggest Loser - The remaining twin that gained 9lbs insists they didn't throw the weigh-in but his team doesn't buy it. The teams later head to the gym and meet Alison who drops a twist: by the end of the day, one team will leave the ranch and join the Unknowns for one week. But how do they decide who gets this honor/punishment? Temptation! A room full of each contestant's favorite food. There's ribs, pizza, cake, Chinese food. Damn, I'm getting hungry and I just ate a Twinkie. Each team gets 3 minutes to eat as much as many calories as they can; winning team chooses who spends the week with the Unknowns. Everyone resists until, no surprise, the fattest dude there and his dad who can't lose weight eat, though merely one drumstick for 150 calories. Arthur sends the green team, who he calls the strongest team, over to the Unknowns for the week. But they're not immune: they will return for the weigh-in.

Green quickly bonds with the Unknowns over a love for mac & cheese. They also meet the new trainers and for someone who's an actress, this Cara chick can't even fake the "surprise" sprung upon them. It also turns out Fitness Ridge is paradise: they get 3 meals cooked for them and don't have to clean. Sign me up!

At the ranch, Bob and Jillian, use their training time to yell at Don from the black team about his weight-gain. Jillians wants Don to get angry, so he drops about bunch of f-bombs to make the point he didn't lie. The ranchers, and returning green team, meet up for a challenge to win letters from home. Snooze. The challenge is to guess how many calories are in all their favorite foods combined and hoist their guess up some rigs into the air. If you don't put 69 as your guess, you are just not hilarious. The green team has to compete against all the other teams combined cause, as they are playing on-behalf of the Unknowns. The ranchers win the letters from home, which they make rain from the sky, and it looks like a lot of extra letters. Green team's totally in the shitter. The episode ends with a bunch of chubbers sobbing over letters from home. Hooray for hour long episodes!

Reality Rundown: Two (2!) Helicopter Dates!

Crazy Michelle wakes up in the morning with a black-eye and no idea where it came from. It's probably the angels kicking her in the face for being a bitch. Michelle makes sure to let Brad know this as soon as he comes in the room. All the girls wish they were the cause of that shiner. Including me.

Chantal receives the 1-on-1 date and it features my most favorite Bachelor element ever: THE HELICOPTER RIDE!!! The helicopter picks Brad and Chantal up at the mansion and brings them to Catalina. Holy shit, are they going to a wine mixer?? Oh and we learn Chantal was divorced, which is dropped pretty nonchalantly to us viewers, but I guess Brad knew? Maybe she said this before and I didn't listen? Anyways, their date isn't a mere romantic boatride: they walk the seafloor. Of course they "kiss" underwater by bumping helmets. Good thing I'm not wearing a helmet, because it would've filled with vomit. They later share a romantic date on the beach, sipping wine on a big-ass chaise, talking and smooching. Meanwhile, Crazy Michelle and her black-eye are crying about Chantal and how she doesn't like her, that they're nothing alike, blah blah. Well Michelle's dream of Chantal not receiving a rose is moot: of course she gets a rose, Brad's totally smitten and they snuggle all night long. Oww oww!

Date #2 is a group date with 9 ladies being guests on Dr. Drew's radio show, Loveline. Brad thinks this will be just like his therapy, except you know, broadcast to a live audience. Good news is, these girls now have one foot in the door for being cast on Celebrity Rehab. We get 2 "for the right reasons" so this is my only reason for watching this date. Basically, Brad wants them to be open as this time he is going to open himself up too. Oh and some girl, whose name turns out to be Britt, worries that since they have so little time that she has to plan the perfect 10 minutes to keep his interest. It's a snoozefest, so they head to a hot tub at a house (not a hotel rooftop- sad face!)

At the house party, ladies fight for alone time. Alli knows she needs time alone but gets immediately interrupted by that chick who sucks at singing Seal songs. It starts a chain-reaction of interruptions, which Brad enjoys. Other Ashley (H), the dentist, goes haywire about having to share, fight for time, and not be the center of attention. Downing wine doesn't help either. As Brad gets his mack-on with Britt and just as he finishes, Ashley H cuts in and then whines about him being attracted to other people and how she hasn't felt like this. Someone give her some potato chips and a glass of water. Sober up, stupid. Brad joins the ladies at the hot tub with the rose and after whiny loudmouth Ashley H makes a rude comment, he takes Britt to the side and gives her the rose. Ashley H knows she done fucked up.

Date #3, the other 1-on-1 date, goes to crazy ass Michelle and her shiner. Chantal kinda stirs the pot by mentioning Michelle's date card doesn't include the word "love" at all- it's great. Michelle shalacks the concealer onto her under-eye, while Brad takes Ashley H aside to talk about last night, driving Michelle insane. As Brad and Ashley H make amends, Chantal and Michelle argue because Michelle pulls the same attention-whore "look at me" schemes that Ashley does. Michelle drags Brad out of the mansion, they hop into his rented convertible that they pretend is really his, and head to their date.

First stop, Brad's [rented] house- you know, the same house every former Bachelor has lived in. They get picked up by a... HELICOPTER!!! OMG, i'm swooning- I feel like this was planned just for me. The helicopter flies over downtown LA and lands on-top of a building. They are rappelling down the side of the building to... a rooftop pool for dinner! Another rooftop party. The Bachelor really treats me right. Michelle panics, or fake-panics for attention, but Brad's deep intense therapy has allowed him to face his fears and encourage Michelle to face hers. And of course, they make out mid-rappelling. No, don't focus at all on completing the task or taking this stunt seriously. They arrive at the pool, dive in with their clothes on, and then Michelle demands Brad never rappel down a building with any other girl again. Somewhere in the background, a producer is going out of their way to make sure another girl gets to rappel next week. Later, they dine, discuss her kid, divorce, and Brad wants to meet her kid. Back in the pool (I hope they waited 30 minutes after dinner), Brad gives Michelle a rose.

Brad throws on a pair of bermuda shorts to visit his therapist and hash out his dates. Again, Chris Harrison must be livid to lose one of his very limited duties on this show. His therapist encourages him to let go and sounds like he gives the OK to kiss all the women and maybe bang around a little. Hey, you've gotta explore.

Cocktail party: another shot for alone time with Brad, who thankfully changed out of the bermudas and into a suit. When he takes Emily aside for alone time, he brings along a picnic basket of pillows, blankets, candles and wine for alone time in the driveway, which sort of stuns and saddens the girls. But Brad, I thought I was special? Emily proves she's like the nicest person ever, leaving a gift-a-day behind for her daughter while she's gone. Seriously, I think her heart is actually a giant Valentine's candy heart. Chantal starts crying inside, worried that maybe Brad doesn't like her as much anymore or something, or likes other girls more. Brad assures Chantal he's wildy attracted to her and that she is independent and not needy (like say Ashley H or Michelle- implied by me, of course).

Chris Harrison does the first of the 3 duties he has left to do and clinks a glass to signal rose ceremony time. Chris then makes some lame speech about how it's all changing because of feelings or something. I don't know as I was making my lunch for tomorrow and I don't care what Chris says. The roses are handed out and the 3 left roseless are, obviously, the ladies we barely know: Meghan, Lindsay, and Stacey. Yeah seriously, who?


Season Tracking
"Here/not here for the right reasons": 6
Helicopter date count: 2
Super Extreme Stunt date count: 2


Photo Credit: BuddyTV

Serving of the Week

Name: Will and Willow Smith

SERVED: Are you a hard-working actor, studying the craft, auditioning left and right, wondering if this stress is worth it? Well it's probably not because it seems the only way to get hired nowadays is for your dad to produce a movie and let you star in it.

Last year, Will Smith produced a remake of the 80's classic The Karate Kid and cast, of course, his son! Because why audition any other talented kids? Now with younger sister Willow's burgeoning music career it's time for daddy to buy her a movie (so says the word on the street): a remake of the classic musical Annie. F NO. Is nothing sacred? Can't a legendary movie just remain a classic and not get re-made and ruined 10 times over? Annie holds a spot dear to my heart and I'd rather not see some Jay-Z scored hip-hop remix of a super-rich-bazillionaire child pretending to be an orphan. Will Smith and child, you are SERVED by me for taking a classic and ripping it to shreds just to have a vehicle for your daughter. Here's a novel idea: write an original script and stop remaking every children's movie between the years of 1982-1987. SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit Urban Islandz

Reality Rundown: A Perfect Storm of F'ing Awfulness

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef All-Stars

The Biggest Loser -The mystery trainer are announced: boxer and not-a-celebrity-trainer Cara Castranova and fitness trainer and self-declared motivator Brett Hobell (he also does martial arts and was pre-med). Oh and he used to be a fatty too as a teen. Now that their identities are revealed, we get more of a glimpse of the Unknowns, as they point out that Q on the red team is slacking with his weight loss.

The Unknowns then meet up with the Bob/Jillian squad for a challenge, hidden by a big wall (god forbid they see their oh so slender physiques). The winning teams get dinner with Curtis Stone (and two individuals will compete for a 2lb advantage at the weigh-in). Throw the challenge, his healthy food is terrible! The challenge is to balance an egg as long as they can on an upside down frying pan. Denise, some lady on the pink team, wins the challenge after all the Unknowns quit the challenge by throwing their eggs at the other team. They rule. Marci from Team Aqua wins for her team, giving them these two teams the chance to win the 2lb advantage at their Curtis Stone dinner. They eventually have their dinner with Curtis and the challenge to win the 2lb advantage is to guess the amount of the amount of calories dinner totals. There's a salad with roasted squash and fish served quinoa; oh and it's lunch-time, not dinner. The ladies use their eating time to dish on the trainers, with Denise bragging about the new trainers. Curtis then shows how to make a poached pear dessert served over Greek yogurt. Marci guesses 480 calories while Denise goes for 440; 572 is the correct calorie count so Marci wins a 2lb advantage for the aqua team.

Now normally I don't report on Dr. Huizenga's visits to tell the losers they are in old people bodies, but I had to discuss the fact that Dr. Huizenga tells the dude on the gray team not only that he'll die young, but the actual day he will day. Fucking MORBID. So set your Outlook calendars for 4/23/25, I guess? Oh and the daughter on the pink team is 58% body fat- gross.

Because this show aspires to make these recaps extremely long, there's another challenge where they need to pump water into a drum, roll it, and try to eliminate people. The prize is big: the team that wins gets to cast pre-decided who should win and lose. Irene, the sole member of the orange team, gets that honor. The fat cop twins of the Black team want to be gone, or I guess the one named Dan does.

At the weigh-in, Bob gets pissed at the Dan on the blue team for being OK with his 4lb loss when his son's fate in the game could be in jeopardy due to that number. It doesn't matter much because the fat cop twins both GAIN 9LBS (18lb total). The trainers are justifiably pissed, especially since some fatties out there in the world that didn't make the show could've had these two morons' spots. Dan's wish is granted and is eliminated by Irene's vote.

Top Chef All-Stars - The cheftestants head to Eric Ripert's Le Bernardin for their Quickfire challenge. Anthony Bourdain, not uptight Padma, lets them know it's a fish butchering challenge to portion one cod and one fluke to Le Bernardin standards in 10 minutes. Aw snap. Bottom: Fabio, Carla, Tiffany, Antonia. Top: Dale, Richard, Mike, Marcel. The top 4 get 45 minutes to cook a dish using all the excess nasty fish for a chance to win immunity. Richard makes a schnitzel of cod belly, Mike pan-roasted belly, Dale fluke back sashimi and bacon dashi, and Marcel cod mousseline. The winner of the challenge is Dale. Anyone but Marcel is how I see it!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's here: Restaurant Wars!!!! Dale chooses Marcel as the other team captain to make sure he doesn't have to work with him. Marcel picks Angelo, Mike, Antonia, and Tiffany. Dale picks Richard, Tre, Fabio, and Carla. The catch this time is that the diners will choose the winner, not the judges. Marcel's team wants to do flavorful global cuisine and then bitches about them wanting to name the restaurant before coming up with dishes. Nobody listens to Marcel cause he's a jerk. Dale's team automatically picks Fabio for front of the house cause he's Mr. Congeniality. They name their restaurant Bodega, and already I'm in. Caviar dipped in ranch dressing? F yes.

As the chefs prep at their dining space, Tom lets them know the individual winner gets $10k. Fabio realizes that 50% of the dining experience today is the food and 50% is him wining and dining the customers. Marcel's team still hates him. Tiffany is charged with front of house, has some egg issues, and Mike will be in charge of making her dish while she's running the house. This is some obvious foreshadowing.

Service starts and Richard explains to use the diners will eat at one restaurant, then move over to the other, then pick a winner. During service, Dale gets all sassy with the waitstaff- cranky pants! Fabio smooths it over. He also impresses the judges with his amazing interactions with the staff. Over at Marcel's restaurant (Etch), diners are sending food back because it's undercooked (or at least, diners perceive that, cause lamb is supposed to be kinda red). Once the kinks are worked out, the diners enjoy their meals. Tiffany's hosting skills are OK, but her fake loud laugh is super annoying. The judges seem to dislike most of their food, especially Marcel's dessert which Bourdain calls "a perfect storm of fucking awfulness." BEST QUOTE EVER.

Judges' Table. Etch is called in first and they are the least favorite: woohoo! Only 17 of 76 picked them- ouch! Bodega is called in second to receive their congratulations, relieving much stress for Dale's team. The potato chips on the table as a starter was a great intro for the meal. Fabio's service was out of the park, plus they loved his cheesecake dessert. Dale's egg dish was simple yet amazing. Tre's pork shoulder was braised well with great flavor and spice. Carla's blueberry pie fit right into the menu. The winner, and recipient off $10k, is Richard.

During Etch's judging, no one wants to step up and blame another teammate for the poor kitchen management. Angelo's crudot was too complicated. Mike's pork belly needed a little more flavor and the octopus needed a little char. Antonia's oxtail ragu is sticky. Marcel's fish was mushy and the dessert, well we know it was terrible. Tiffany's asparagus and chorizo had no flavor and her front-of-house management is brought up. She didn't mean to dime them out, but brings up the kitchen controversies. Marcel then tries to add more blame to Mike, who finally decides to take down that little beotch Marcel by pointing out his poor multi-tasking and that he's a ticking time bomb. In my opinion, Etch failed due to poor leadership, not because of Tiffany's hosting. The judges' final decision is to eliminate Marcel. Y-E-S. Peace out, d-bag.


Photo Credits: NBC.com, BravoTV.com

Reality Rundown: Seal Really Needed a Paycheck

Brad takes Ashley S., who received the first impression rose on night 1, on a solo date. They head to the famous Capital Records recording studio to brutally record their own version of "Kiss From A Rose" by Seal. It is an abomination to all of mankind's eardrums. But if Kim Zolciak can record a single, can't anyone? God bless autotune. If you've never watched the "This season on The Bachelor" promos, you're probably like "Seal? WTF? Was Shania Twain not available? Why not something else from the Batman Forever soundtrack?" Well that's because Seal is in the studio next door coincidentally performing the song so Brad and Ashley can enjoy (oh and he performs some new stuff too). Private concert dates two weeks in a row? Need a new idea, producers. Later, Ashley and Brad share an intimate rooftop date where she reveals her father passed away and that "Kiss From a Rose" was actually a song she holds close to her heart because of him. Ashley receives a rose, a "Kiss From a Rose" reprise, and some smooching.

First Super Extreme Stunt Date!!! Brad and his harem film an action-adventure movie (plot: girls fight to save The Bachelor), complete with explosions, karate, and shovels to faces. Oh and 30 year old Michelle doesn't want to be there because she still hasn't grasped the fact that group dates are inevitable when you're in a polygamist dating setting. She then complains the entire date about everyone else getting attention, and Shawntel getting a kiss, it's so annoying. I should stop giving her any focus.

After the stunts, they retreat to, of course, a rooftop pool party. God I should tally these too. During one-on-one time, the girls express their stress with the experience of dating a guy who is dating 20 other women. Chantal feels close to Brad, eventhough they've had hardly any along time, and lets him know her dad died too and she did this show because she's tired of waiting for tomorrow. They kiss because nothing is a better turn-on than dead dad talk. Michelle is an inpatient bitch and interrupts Brad's alone time with Alli. Turns out, Michelle has a daughter and she is sad to be away from her but wants to find love. Then they make out because nothing is hotter than a really nasty bitch that the whole house hates. He gives the rose to Shawntel, the mortician. The night ends with the world premiere of the epic action-adventure film Love Hurts, but we don't get to hear any of it because Michelle won't STFU about wanting to eff Brad in Tahiti.

Emily, the NASCAR girl, receives the next solo date. After Emily tells the girls her sad story, the house wonders if Emily will tell Brad her emotional secret. Brad takes Emily on a private jet and then drives a classic car to a vineyard. NO HELICOPTER?!?!?! I'm pissed. Emily is hesitant to answer the questions about her dating past, which Brad keeps prodding her about. They eat dinner in a barn, where the romance looms between the smell of hay and horse shit. Emily acknowledges there's been an elephant in the room all day and ends up telling Brad her story about losing her NASCAR boyfriend in a plane crash and becoming pregnant days later, and is now the mother of a 5 year old girl. They bond over the rest of the date and Emily receives a rose and a kiss.

Brad's therapist in LA comes to visit because the producers have finally listened to our prayers to make this show more like The Sopranos. I bet Chris Harrison is watching this scene in envy because Brad's telling this dude about his dates, not him. This is thankfully short-lived.

At the cocktail party pre-rose ceremony, Michelle gets all pissed that Brad is talking and kissing around. Jesus, you should've been on that VH1 show with Steve the matchmaker if you wanted a man alone. During alone time with Chantal (who I am loving), Michelle interrupts... of course. Crazy Bitch says they are having their first fight because she knows he kissed Shawntel and Chantal. Brad is just seizing the moment. Meanwhile, Madison the vampire girl is pondering if she should actually be here after hearing the heaviness of Emily's story. Madison doesn't want to take away from the girls truly here for love and not sure if she should possibly leave, so Brad tells her if he offers her a rose she can reject it.

Rose ceremony: Brad begs the ladies that if they are having doubts, don't accept a rose. It's called foreshadowing. After the second rose is handed out, Madison the vampire just walks out on the ceremony and into the living room. It is so contrived and staged. Madison doesn't want to take a rose from a girl more deserving, which is fine and dandy, but why the eff couldn't she wait until Brad might've actually offered a rose? She leaves. Brad returns to the room to cut two more girls that none of us even knew existed (Kimberly, Sarah P).

Next week: HELICOPTER!!!

Season Tracking
"I'm here for the right reasons": 3
"She's NOT here for the right reasons": 1
Helicopter date count: 0
Super Extreme Stunt date count: 1


Photo Credits: ABC.com, BuddyTV.com

Serving of the Week

Name: January Jones

SERVED: We all love award shows because we're there to see who looks fabulous and who looks like a dirt squirrel (Survivor shout-out!). That high honor of fashion SERVING goes to January Jones from Mad Men. Wearing Versace, this was one skanky dress. This looks like one of the many skank prom dresses I remember girls wearing to look hot, and the bright red didn't help her case (or her lack of smile- god she looks miserable all the time). Oh and did I add it was completely covered in fringe?? Good lord, are you trying to get cast on Boardwalk Empire? A bunch of folks are saying she looked amazing (Kelly and George from E!, for example) but I thought she looked like a skanky mess so she is SERVED.

Oh and if you say Helena Bonham Carter or Tilda Swinton were the worst, you are wasting your vote. They are always a mess, enjoy it.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit The Daily Mail

Reality Rundown: Too Bad You Didn't Catch Scallops on That Fishing Boat

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef All-Stars

The Biggest Loser - The on-ranchers enjoy the spacious kitchen but are quickly interrupted by Alison, who enters the room to inform them that the unknowns crushed them in the weigh-in even with immunity. To me, it makes sense that their weight is better because they aren't facing the stress the game-players are. The challenge this week is that all the on-ranchers will have immunity if they can lose more than the unknowns. Also, biggest loser pai r of the week gets $10k (an unknown pair can also win the money). The on-ranchers are also treated to a video of the unknowns, with their still unidentified trainers, getting their asses kicked by the trainers- intimidation! Bob and Jillian get back to training to keep their teams safe.

While the on-ranchers have physical and emotional break-throughs the producers, I mean the unknowns let them know how they feel by sending two dozen of donuts to the gym. I like them already. The losers burn 11 calories stomping on them. Really fat Arthur almost eats one, but overcomes the urge. In the part I never watch cause it's the same thing every year, Dr. Huizenga gives his medical evaluations which is always telling them they are 29 trapped in a 70 year old's body. For some reason despite being there for merely a week, they are visited by family members and receive phone calls. They also get another DVD message from the unknowns pointing out how awesome they are at losing weight. They ignore it, s why even show it?

There's a challenge to get the on-ranchers across the water using some big floats, and it turns out the unknowns did the challenge before in 38 minutes. Whatever team is faster wins a 3lb advantage. The on-ranchers lose because the unknowns are like Mark Wahlberg: invincible. At the weigh-in, Bob gets a little pissy at Alison constantly putting the on-ranchers down for being extreme underdogs. As the teams start weighing in, things are looking dismal. It's a lot of low numbers and they need bigger weight-losses to beat the unknowns. Blue team, with biggest contestant ever Arthur, weighs in with 21lbs, surpassing the unknowns (93 to 82), and giving their team immunity for the week.

Top Chef All-Stars - Marcel asks like the biggest wangsta, sippin' Bombay Sapphire straight from the bottle. This has no point but to cite more evidence of Marcel being a dork.

The cheftestants enter the kitchen for the Quickfire, but instead find a map: they're going fishing. They take their product placement SUVs to Montauk (it's where Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet meet- Enternal Sunshine anyone?). There's no Quickfire this week, just an Elimination Challenge. Paired into 4 teams of 3, they have 5 hours to catch as many fish as they can, then cook on the beach for 200. Other catch (unintended pun but it stays)? DOUBLE ELIMINATION! Duh duh duuuuuuh. The fishing starts slow, but picks up momentum; it's really not interesting enough to recap. Since Marcel is getting screentime I should note him, Richard and Fabio decide to all three make only one dish to make the judges have a harder decision. Richard's not to keen on it and then gets kinda bossy. On the other hand, Tiffani and Antonia and trying to keep their distance from "Top Scallop" Jamie.

Judges' Panel. Top group: Carla, Tre, Dale, Tiffany, Angelo, and Mike. Tiffany/Angelo/Mike cook the bass perfectly. Dale's fish taco was loved by all. Carla used blue fish to make a play on bagel with lox and the judges are smitten with the originality and taste. CARLA WINS!!! She gets a trip to Amsterdam and $5k. Bottom group: Richard, Fabio, Marcel, Jamie, Tiffani, Antonia. Richard/Marcel/Fabio's joint striped bass dish was an attempt at teamwork and acing one dish but that didn't work out. The flavors were muddled and had bad textures due in part to the plating. Antonia uses porgy, a low-class fish, and makes it awesome; Tom informs her if she weren't on the losing team she would've been going to Amsterdam. Ouch, but complimentary. Jamie added too much water to her cucumber broth and the fish lacked flavor. Tiffani's left the thick blood line in her blue fish, which leaves a fishy taste. In one fell swoop, two more ladies are eliminated from the competition: Tiffani and Jamie.


Photo Credits: NBC.com, BravoTV.com

Reality Rundown: She's Sopissticated

Previously on The Bachelor: Brad's changed! This week: the women still don't think Brad's changed and he'll feel obligated to pick someone. Sort of like how I feel obligated to watch, yet secretly love it.

Date #1: Ashley H. (the dentist) gets a solo date with Brad and he drives them down a dark dirt road where a serial killer should've popped out to take them down. They pull over, walk in the woods, flip a light switch and ta-da! It's a massive carnival. Watch out Brad, a carnie might steal your date. They run around like a bunch of kids and sadly no one pukes on the the Tilt-A-Whirl, which is unfortunate cause I thought drinking wine at a carnival might induce vomiting. They share the first kiss on the season, one big old' smooch. They bond about their daddy issues and she obviously gets a rose and they make out on the ferris wheel.

Date #2: a group date with a bunch of chicks (15 to be specific) and I tried to type their names but it was too fast. Some hair stylist (read: wannabe actress) Michelle whines because she wanted alone time for her 30th birthday: "happy freakin' birthday to me." Boo-urns bitch! The ladies pull up to their date: a blood drive, or really shoot a commercial promoting blood drives. Oh shit, someone better keep an eye on Madison the vampire. Everyone is put into costumes like sexy cougar, sexy virginal girl, sexy maid, sexy threesome, and the of course butch woman with two arm casts. The commercial for blood drives is just all the women making out with Brad. Melissa, the old lady who admits has been preparing to be on this show for 8 years, runs onto the set just to get a kiss and end him kissing girls in scene 1. Lame-o. Britt, who is a self-described prude, gets all up on Brad with a risque makeout (while Michelle continues to bitch on the sidelines). Michelle walks off set in an obvious ploy to get attention from Brad; it works.

Post-commercial there's the usual late-night roof pool party. Honestly, can the producers think of nothing new? Melissa explains she's not crazy but fails to tell him that if she didn't get one-on-one time she'd leave; the girls (specifically Rachel) don't appreciate that. Michelle just wants the rose for a birthday gift, because if you forgot, she's 30 on this date. Michelle gets the rose for "putting herself out there" and cause it's her birthday. The other girls are devastated since Michelle's a nasty manipulative bitch.

Date #3: Jackie and Brad "get their love on track." They mislead me to think this is a super awesome extreme date, but it's a Pretty Woman experience. So she's a hooker? Getting clothes? Did you know that the original ending of Pretty Woman was Richard Gere kicking Julia Roberts to the curb? I like that better. First, get into some robes for a spa day. Second, go into a hotel room full of prom dresses, I mean evening gowns, where she has the pick of whatever she wants. They get all gussied up for their mystery evening, where Brad voiceovers that Jackie is intelligent and "sopisticated." No, not sophisticated, sopisicated. They arrive at the Hollywood Bowl where the sign out front says, "For Jackie, Love Brad." Gag! There's a private dinner for 2 (and a camera crew). Brad seems almost appalled at the idea she's only had 2 serious relationships and then gets therapist on her. Jackie gets the rose because she's just like him. Gag again. There's one big surprise: a private concert from... TRAIN. I'd give back the rose and run.

Cocktail party: Brad feels like it's a room of friends. A couple of friends he's tongue-kissed. Michelle pulls Brad for alone time first to ask important questions: Starbuck vs. The Coffee Bean, what's always in his fridge. But she already has a rose!! And when Michelle tells the girls she asked these questions they think she is high on crack cocaine. Emily has sincere alone time. Melissa and Rachel continue their old lady vs. young girl bitchfest. Rachel knows she'll stick around cause the lord loves her. Yes, god has a lot of money riding on who Brad Womack decides to bang for a few months. Melissa cries to Brad, so all the ladies eavesdrop as she tattles on Rachel "an energy suck." She ruins the sobbing moment with her onion pizza breath/burps. Bitch be crazy! Brad pulls Rachel aside where she explains her "technical difficulty" with Melissa.

Chris Harrison comes out with his champagne to have the annual "here for the right reasons" vote and Ali and Roberto come to help him cause they're soooo tight. Seriously, have they met before? Ali and Roberto interrogate the women pretty deep: "How old are you?" "What do you do for a living?" We hear absolutely nothing Ali and Roberto tell Brad about the women. But based on whatever they said, Emily gets a rose. We are luckily saved from the man-on-man talk with Chris Harrison and skip to the rose ceremony. Who's cut? Melissa and Rachel, sparing the house the drama, and alleged-Rockette Keltie.

Sorry for the lack of photos, folks. Blame ABC.com!

Season Tracking
"I'm here for the right reasons": 3
"She's NOT here for the right reasons": 1
Helicopter date count: 0
Super Extreme Stunt date count: 0


Photo Credit: ABC.com, BuddyTV

Serving of the Week

Name: The people who vote for the People's Choice Awards

SERVED: Award season has begun, or at least that's what E! or Access Hollywood would say just because a show aired that hands out awards. The People's Choice Awards aired and while I had the good sensibility to skip it, I saw many results being tweeted and reported by the media. After hearing some of the winners, I knew the morons who voted for this show needed to be SERVED. Sure some were rightful wins, while some were popularity winners (I love ya House but c'mon...), but seriously who in their right mind would vote critically-panned $#*! My Dad Says as the Best New Comedy on TV? I didn't see Grown Ups with Adam Sandler and friends because it was an obvious turd, yet this wins Best Comedy Movie? WTF?? Sorry people who voted, but you need to be SERVED for having little to no clue on how to vote for entertainment awards. Fingers crossed CBS fixed some of the votes to have their shows (and shows they may not air but produce) win.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit Babble.com

Reality Rundown: You Dim Sum, You Lose Some

New! The Biggest Loser • Top Chef All-Stars

New! The Biggest Loser - After three, yes a mere three, weeks without The Biggest Loser, the world took pity on us and brought it back. I will warn you now, this show is on its last leg for me; a "last chance viewing" to take a page from this show's book. As soon as I tire of it, I'm officially done. So many other awesome shows that I could watch instead of being drained by this. But maybe, just maybe, the new trainers will bring this show back to life.

Contestants include the heaviest contestant ever (5'8" and 507lbs- he's as round as he is high!), a girl whose family owns a Dairy Queen and a gym AND she already lost 100lbs on her own, an opera singer, fat twin cops (one of which has a son that disowned him for being fat, the other's son died of an overdose), another Tongan (I think they recruit door-to-door in Tongan neighborhoods), and an ex-Olympian. It's also families again, so expect some tears and for the trainers to blame the moms and dads a lot. They arrive in pairs like Noah's Arc and are shortly greeted by Bob and Jillian and the big ass scale built for two. Everyone weighs in, cries at being so fat, and sheds approximately 2lbs of water weight.

After weigh-ins, Alison drops the bomb that there's no work-out right now, it's time for a challenge (or as I call it, fast forward time!) The challenge will determine who their trainer will be, which seems easy cause Bob, Jillian, who gives a shit. No, they will have to choose either Bob and Jillian or the mystery trainers in front of spotlight #1. 5 teams train with the newbies and 6 with Bob/Jillian, which seems like a duh pick B/J, there's even more twists. If they select the unknown trainers, they train at a secret location and get 4 weeks immunity. The challenge will have the teams running 5k on treadmills and the first 5 teams are guaranteed a choice at picking their trainers. The top 5 are: Yellow (Unknowns), Gray (Unknowns), Aqua (Bob/Jillian), Green (Bob/Jillian), and Brown (Unknowns). Then the rest get to decide, in order: Purple (Bob/Jillian), Pink (Unknowns), Red (Unknowns). The remaining teams (Orange, Blue, Black) automatically puts them with Bob and Jillian and some are bummed, so are OK. Others are so shocked that the Unknowns are getting picked because god forbid people want immunity and would try something new. If the show hired them, I'm sure they're credible trainers and quite frankly, some teams have to train with them.

The next day, Bob/Jillian wonder where all the teams are and learn about the twist. Bob and Jillian, who always hate the game-side, even know choosing them is a stupid decision and the guilt is on them now. Bob/Jillian see what's on the line this time around and train the losers til they moan, drop and shake the earth. Jillian even pulls up with a pickup truck and they have the losers push the truck around campus. I do love when Bob and Jillian are BFFs and not competitors. Meanwhile, the Unknowns are training their losers at a Biggest Loser Fitness lodge in Malibu. The trainers are still not revealed completely, merely silhouettes and from-behind shots doing work-out montages. The dude's studied science or something and the chick's a boxer.

Bob/Jillian's losers arrive at the gym for weigh-in and learn the results of the Unknowns, who still weigh-in, but don't get eliminated. Yellow team (Olympian) lost 59lbs, while Moses of the Gray team lost 41lbs himself. Dayum! The intimidation sets in, but it's onto the scale they go. The fattest dude on campus, who had an emotional pow-wow with Bob, loses 31lbs but his dad only loses 7. This doesn't look good for the obvious biggest threat around in terms of poundage to lose. The mother/daughter orange team loses 22lbs together and fall below the yellow line and one of them will be eliminated. Citing Ana's insistence to keep her daughter Irene in the game, Ana is voted out.

Top Chef All-Stars - Episode 100! (Thanks for the reminder @littleallygator) Padma rocks a prison striped top for the Quickfire which is a speed test against one of the nation's best chefs: mother effin' Tom Colicchio! Tom will prep and cook a dish; whatever time he finishes in defines the time the cheftestants have. Tom's time: 8:37. Dayum! That's how long it takes me to chop up broccoli into florets. The cheftestants go nuts in their 8:37 and many have little to show, and by that I mean Dale who puts two egg noodles on a plate attempting pad thai. Worst: Dale's noodle-making failure, Jamie's unopened clams, and Angelo who did a raw dish which was against the rules. Best: Mike Isabella had flavorful fish, Marcel's dashi, and Richard's fois gras. The winner is Mike Isabella who can take his terribly unfunny self to the next round with immunity and then drive around like a douche in his new Prius.

Elimination Challenge: take over a dim sum restaurants in Chinatown and as a team, work continuously to keep the dim sum carts full. In the greatest moment we've all been waiting for, Jamie asks if she can make SCALLOPS!!! TOP SCALLOP!!!! As the chefs plan the menu, there's some worry that the 2 people forced to be servers will get screwed over; Casey and Carla agree to run the carts. Everyone has to do at least one dish, so a few people take on 2, which surprisingly Jamie does and she's been weak this season. And she effs up scallops a lot. Antonia offers to team with Jamie on the veggie 2nd dish. Dale is feeling the pressure most since he works in dim sum and is Asian (I'm not racist, he said that). Also, in the process of grocery shopping, we learn Fabio has a pet turtle and thinks selling turtles for soup at the store is creepy. Agreed!

In the kitchen, the show continues to gross me out by showing Casey trimming off the nails of her chicken feet. She also has art about butchering? I don't know, weird random trivia. Fabio's short ribs look amazing; I am so hungry. Casey and Carla head out as floor runners while Mike Isabella works as the expediter of the food. Time for serving! The judges might be eating, but the diners aren't. The food isn't ready in time, leaving diners hungry and making us listen to Mike Isabella nonstop yell, "C'mon guys, gimme some food!" When the diners do get to eat, they don't like the food and it gets called "Caucasian dim sum." Sounds about right! The service sucks so bad that Tom gets up from the table, barges into the kitchen and berates the cheftestants. It's sooo hot. In cooking/kitchen news, Jamie and Antonia bicker about their long bean co-dish; Jamie thinks it's fine, Antonia believes it's under-seasoned. I believe it's foreshadowing. Casey, who tasked Antonia to plate her dish since Casey was serving, is upset at how her dish is coming out. Padma points out that eventhough the diners are starving they won't eat the shitty chicken foot.

Casey, Antonia, Carla, Jamie and Tre are called to the Judges' Table; they are deemed the bottom 5, slowest, and worst dishes. Jamie's scallop dumplings were dry, and she self-admittedly didn't like it. The shared long bean dish was considered bad Chinese take-out, but the cooking (Jamie's part) was the worst. Antonia's shrimp toast was delicious, but failed elsewhere in the kitchen. Casey's chicken feet was a play on the classic Asian dish, chicken and waffles. Because Antonia prepped it, she gets a little more of the criticism too. Tre's dessert melted from the heat of the kitchen. Carla's spring rolls had bland noodles and not tasty. When told she cooked with her eyes, not stomach, she lets out an "Ow!" Then Tiffany D, Dale, Angelo, and Fabio are called into panel as the top dishes. Italian Fabio shocks with his Chinese skills, Dale's sticky rice and banana leaf was fresh, Angelo's spring rolls had "textural integrity," and I don't know what Tiffany made but it had "marshmallowy goodness." Dale wins the challenge. After deliberation, Casey is told to pack her knives and go. The strong lady contenders be tankin'!


Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, NBC.com, PopTower

Reality Rundown: Brad's Changed You Guys, For Real, OK?! He's Changed!!

The Bachelor

Previously on The Bachelor: Brad Womack realized it would be wrong to fake propose to women he didn't love and become the most hated man in America when he dumped both women. Lucky for him, Jason Mesnick came along, and then Jake Pavelka so we forgot about him. Since Chris Lambton turned down the show, Brad not only gets his sloppy seconds, but a second chance at love. Brad explains to the viewers how he was broken and at the lowest of lows and claims he got therapy for it. Really? That's a f'ing waste of money. He ponders his life over a montage of shirtless oiled up jogging, pushups, and jump roping, an obvious sign of how much he's changed I guess.

Who are the lucky ladies? A dental hygienist, a mortician, a girl with a dead dad, divorcees, a waxer who calls herself a "manscaper," single moms, and A VAMPIRE. Yes, really. The sob story is a girl, Emily, who was engaged to a racecar driver that died in a plane crash and she found out she was pregnant the days later. Yikes. She's a shoo-in to be next season's Bachelorette should she lose. The ladies get primped but are in for a shock when they pull up in their limos to see that Brad is their hunk of man meat.

Before the ladies arrive, host/douchebag Chris Harrison has a real man talk with Brad that's a total set-up for the big reveal: the two women he dumped are here. Jenni and Deanna, who I still consider such a hag, come out to "confront" him and get an apology. Again, not staged at all, but Brad's thrown for a loop. He does apologize for dumping them on TV and not being there for them or something. The ladies are just more surprised he'd do this show again. Blah blah. This is like the most repetitive hour ever: he's done therapy, he's sorry, yaaaawn.

Now, can the real "dating" begin? First girl out of the limo, Chantal, gives Brad a gift from every woman in America: a slap in the face. Totally not set up!! Brad gets totally turned on, but I think it deserved a Rick James "What did the five fingers say to the face?" One girl wears clown shoes, or like clown espadrilles, and another wears whorish Ruby Red Slippers. The rest rock their finest dresses from their local Cache and come up with lame pick up lines. Either the women know his reputation or don't, but either way he tells them he's changed. The pick up lines get worse and worse- make it end!

Just when the party looks like it's going to begin, Brad talks AGAIN about how he's changed, been in therapy, and is ready for love. But he does drop a "I'm here for the right reasons" so that's fun. All his one-on-one time is sooo fucking dull. Just begging for forgiveness over and over (even the girls know he's doing this). The phrase of this season is "I've changed." I wish I thought of this earlier cause I would've counted it. The only interesting thing happens when the "manscaper" waxes his wrist. But where did the crockpot of hot wax come from?? My favorite moment is when one chick talks to Brad, another steals him away (she's funny cause she doesn't wear shoes), then chick #1 steals him back, and then shoeless girl steals him again! When she finally gets him again, Brad gets stolen again. Awesome! Brad thinks Madison the vampire girl is hot but thinks the fangs are a stupid game. He gets kind of ticked which is fun.

After all the apologies and drama, Ashley S. gets the first impression rose. She is cute, bubbly, and probably 13 years too young for him. With the clink of champagne glass, it's time for Brad to go stare awkwardly at 30 pictures of practical strangers and decide who's most bangable. I mean wife material! Vampire girl, annoying dentist, hyperactive alleged-Rockette (she looks too short), dead Nascar fiance single-mom, and all the hot girls. Who's out: girl who kept getting alone time interruptus, Troll 2 sister doppelganger, and a few butterfaces.

Season Tracking
"I've changed": INFINITY, I can't even count
"I'm here for the right reasons": 1
"She's NOT here for the right reasons": 0
Helicopter date count: Coming soon!!!!!
Super Extreme Stunt date count: Coming soon too!


Photo Credit: BuddyTV.com

Serving of the Week

Name: 2010

SERVED: I was pretty stumped who to SERVE at the end of 2010, but when I posed the question on Twitter, my pal @phil_robinson simply said, "2010?" Excellent answer! With the new year brings a clean slate to the reality and pop culture world (sort of- not for you, Lohans). But in 2010 there was so much ridiculous nonsense that I hope 2011 can top it. Let's remember fondly on Phaedra and her husband sucking on pickles on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Dina Lohan getting Lindsay and Ali's Carvel Ice Cream Black Card revoked. Russell Hantz losing Survivor a second time in a row. Danielle Staub getting weave ripped from her head. 90 minute episodes of Project Runway. Dick pics from celebrities (Kanye West) and people who wish they were celebrities (Brendon from BB12), not to mention countless arrests for absolutely dumb things (claiming cocaine was chewing gum). 2010 got SERVED lots of craziness and I truly hope 2011 is filled with the same so that writing SERVING of the week stays easy. Happy 2011!

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit Kevin Collins on Flicker