Serving of the Week

Name: James Franco and Anne Hathaway

SERVED: When it was announced that James Franco and Anne Hathaway would host the Oscars, I thought "Ok, whatever." Now I think, "Dear god, never again." What a painfully unfunny award show. Can I have those 3 hours back? The writing was tedious, with obvious jokes that just didn't work. If I had to guess, the Oscars decided that being funny and entertaining wasn't important and spent the past 3 months selecting Anne Hathaway's gowns. Franco looked and acted high the whole time, while Anne Hathaway must've been confused that she was not in fact hosting a high school talent show. Stick to the acting because your hosting sucks- SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit: People

Reality Rundown: Who Deep Fried My Rice?

New! The Amazing Race • The Biggest Loser • Survivor: Redemption Island •
Top Chef All-Stars

New! The Amazing Race: Unfinished Business - 11 teams (see them all here) from previous seasons of The Amazing Return for a second chance at victory because they have "unfinished business." Wouldn't any team that didn't win have "unfinished business?" I digress.

The race begins in Palm Springs, California (wonder if they stayed at Jessie Spano's dad's hotel?), as teams arrive via golf cart to a windmill filled desert. What is this, Se7en? Phil greets the teams with his usual psych-up about racing around the world but lets the teams know the 1st team to check into the Pit Stop this leg will win the Express Pass, which they can later use to skip a task down the line. Instead of just grabbing bags with a clue, the teams have to search through a field of paper planes and bring the correct one to Phil (it will say QANTAS, as in the airline). This determines the flight you end up on as well. Last team to complete the challenge will receive an automatic U-Turn, which is a pretty sweet penalty. Flight #1: father/son Mike/Mel, friends Zev/Justin (in Harlem Globetrotter shirts- ha!), Cowboys Jet/Cord, Goths Kent/Vixen, father/daughter Ron/Christina, Harlem Globetrotters Flight Time/Big Easy, mother/son Margie/Luke, cheerleaders Jaime/Cara. Flight #2: sisters Kisha/Jen, father/daughter Gary/Mallory, and engaged couple Amanda/Kris. Amanda/Kris are last and receive the U-Turn penalty, which is awesome since they lost their first time around for being U-Turned. SERVED!

Flight #1 is in good shape until a man on the flight has a heart attack, leading to an emergency landing in Honolulu and nullifying the 90 minute difference between flights 1 and 2. The teams on flight 2 arrive in Sydney, Australia first, followed by flight 1. They make their way via train to Sydney Harbor, board a ferry to some place called Ocean World which sounds delightful! The first clue is a Road Block where teams will have to swim with sharks and a bigass stingray to find a compass and decipher a flag code sentence. AWESOME, unless you're Steve Irwin (RIP).

Teams then need to sail a 16ft skiff at "the firing of the seaman's gun" (insert laughter here) and to race, aka speed because it's only them, to find a buoy with the next clue. The clue on the buoy sends teams to the pit stop at Shelly Beach. In a "definitely wouldn't have ever predicted this" moment, Gary and Mallory are team #1 and receive the Express Pass, BUT the leg isn't over! The race immediately continues, with Amanda and Kris as team #2 with an impending U-Turn upon them. Some of the dumber and less patient teams have trouble deciphering the flag code and get help from smarter teams, but the Cowboys are way in the back of the pack, completely mind-boggled by the code. What will happen? We'll see next week!

The Biggest Loser - Alison drops a bomb on the losers right away: 2 players are being eliminated this week. There is a red line that they'll face as individuals (regardless of team), then the losing team will vote someone off as well. The red team exercises off-campus, boxing and kicking ass. Bob and Jillian continue in gym work-outs, as Jillian stares evilly sipping coffee.

The teams go to a football field with huge balls. Cue lots of ball jokes. The teams will have to bounced oversized medicine balls across the field while wearing boxing gloves, not to mention the ball can't touch the ground. The winning team gets a 3lb advantage at the weigh-in. It is almost as boring as soccer to watch. The red team wins the challenge because duh, they're jocks. The black team worries this is the beginning of a death blow, since last week was a big week for them. All the parents agree they are willing to sacrifice themselves to keep their kids there, except Jesse, who is big Arthur's dad. Jesse isn't really willing to sacrifice himself for Arthur, claiming they are both confident in their weight-loss, but also says he'll face it when he comes. He gets pretty pissed that the young people think they deserve it more than the old folks. Touche!

At the weigh-in, Rulon only loses 4lbs, looking like a prime candidate for the red line, until Jen gets on the scale and gains 2lbs. Sad- looks like someone is probably joining her dad. When the black team weighs in, Marci gains 1lb, but she's only +0.55%, so Jen is still below her. But then Jesse gets on the scale and gains 3lbs- so much for his angry tirade about needing to be there. It's +1.26% for him, so Jen is in luck. It then appears obvious that the parents are throwing the weigh-in for their kids when Deni gains 8lbs. Deni feels bad her obesity gene caused her daughter to miscarry kids and is proud of giving her daughter a chance to stay in the game; she is eliminated. But the eliminations aren't over for the black team, since they threw the weigh-in. The decision is which oldie to get rid of. Perhaps because he blew up at this team, Jesse is eliminated from the game as well.

Survivor: Redemption Island - Francesca (not Franquestka) is alone at Redemption Island, which has basic supplies, drinking water, and a daily ration of rice. Basically, she's killing time alone until the next person is eliminated and they go all Thunderdome to see who stays at Redemption Island for the chance to return to the game later. Later in the episode, Francesca gets her luxury item (god I miss those) and begins journaling her time at Redemption Island. Soon, she shall face-off for her chance to stay.

At Ometepe, crazy secret agent Philip assures Rob his vote is his until he's eliminated; Rob thinks he's crazy (way to read people). Rob and all the young'ns align together and decide to vote off Phillip next. His crazy does reach a new level as he goes hunting for crabs in his undies, so his team logically watches in amazement and does nature show commentary. Young adorable people Matt and Andrea begin to form a bond, but Rob knows pairs are not good and could be a threat to him, so he starts searching for his partner. Since all the good ones are taken, Rob settles for Natalie. Over at Zapatera, Russell calls Ralph the hick the dumbest player ever and then pulls some blonde Krista aside to get yet another Russell and his young hot girl strategy going. He's also going to search for the idol with no clue, and dear god I hope Zapatera's is hidden better than the one Kristina found. Ralph the hick, who Russell called the dumbest player ever, finds the idol with no clues first, completely by accident. F YOU, RUSSELL.

The immunity challenge is to jump and break tiles to retrieve keys, open a chest of balls, use the balls to break tiles on the ground Skeeball style. Fishing gear is also on the line so fingers crossed Ometepe wins so we don't need to see Phillip lunging in his underwear for crabs. Phillip is absolutely horrible at tile-breaking-Skeeball, while Ralph and his sweater is amazing and wins reward and immunity. FFFFFF another week of Russell Hantz survival. Rob is livid that Matt and his Fabio rip-off hair shakes hands with the other tribe as a congratulations. Jeff reminds them that the person voted off at Tribal tonight will join Francesca at Redemption Island for one last shot at sticking around.

The Troll (Russell) carries the reward basket home because he knows there's a clue. His team realizes this error and reminds themselves to get the reward themselves next time. Russell and his alliance crouch around the water supply and Ralph approaches Russell about the hidden immunity idol clue and that it was won as a team, not an individual. Russell gives one of his lame warnings, but we all know Ralph is already a step ahead of Troll boy.

Phillip gives his hero speech to his tribe wishing he could've performed better and lets them know he will not be begging for votes. Phillip seemed like a sho-in for eliminated, but Matt's social playing gesture really rubbed Rob the wrong way. The other tribemates noticed this as well and quickly the tides have changed; the 4 will vote off Matt and tell Matt/Andrea they're splitting votes between Kristina/Phillip. Matt is in awe of Rob's gameplay, as Rob informs Phillip he is safe as long as he shuts up at Tribal. Rob will give a secret shoulder-grab signal of who to vote for and asks Phillip to act like a dead man walking.

At Tribal Council, Kristina proudly rocks her immunity idol necklace and will likely play it. Phillip shows off his animal tattoos and their symbolic meaning to him and his country (animals: gorilla, lion). I honestly have no idea what the hell Phillip is talking about. Nucking futs. Jeff grabs the big ol' pot of votes, and Kristina promptly plays her immunity idol. Matt is stunned as votes with his name appear and thus eliminates him from the game. Total blindside, which he commends his tribe for. But it's not over yet: next week, Matt and Francesca battle at Redemption Island.

Top Chef All-Stars - In the top chef kitchen, a silvery wig catches the cheftestants eyes: it's Paula Deen. The challenge is to impress Paula with their deep frying skills. Richard knows the inner glutton in Paula and deep fries mayonnaise. Yeah, that's a definite WTF dish. More WTF: Mike Isabella's dish is stolen straight from Richard's idea notebook and he knows it is straight up dish-plagiarism. Worst dishes: Dale's many meat extravaganza, Carla's hush puppies. Best: Antonia's deep fried avocado steals Paula's heart but she broke the rules. Paula also loves Richard's mayonnaise and Mike's stolen chicken fried oysters. Mike then wins the challenge and $5k and the scorn of an entire viewing audience.

John Besh, probably the top New Orleans chef, is the judge for the Elimination Challenge. The cheftestants are tasked to make Gulf seafood, southern style, for a charity event. "Some friends" come to help them out AKA eliminated contestants and they each are carrying a different seafood protein; pick a protein, get the chef. Everyone is cool with their sous chef, except Tiffany who really wanted white shrimp and got Marcel with the package deal. Tre ends up being the biggest dud in Southern food, letting my girl Carla down. She requests to remove his NAACP card. Carla is hilarious. The chefs also learn Mike violated "chef law" and I hope violating that law gets him beheaded. They are not pleased, especially when he acts like a cocky dick in the kitchen (heh).

At service, Richard and Fabio get into a tiff right when the judges arrive at their table. The service is a wee bit stressful when they're cooking almost on-demand. The same thing happens over with Dale and Angelo, but it's less the demand and more than Dale isn't satisfied with the taste of his dish. The diners don't care for the overpowering mustard and the potatoes are over done. Tiffany runs out of glaze and asks Marcel to make a new batch, but fails to taste it- cue ominous music and a "you're screwed" from the Greek chorus. Carla gets feedback from diners that they don't like her dish and realizes she's in trouble- nooooo, not my Carla. Only Antonia seems to be having a smooth night, which shows in the judges love for her crabcakes.

Judges' Table. Antonia, Richard, and the thief are the best of the night. Richard put snapper with pulled pork, which was a surprisingly good combo. Mike covered his shrimp with grits, which I'm not sure if Richard wrote it in his diary first. Antonia's crab cakes had a nice smoky spice from the andouille sausage. The winner is Richard, so it's kinda like he won 2 challenges tonight if you count the first dish as his. Richard the class act also decides his guest for the trip will be Fabio for helping him achieve victory. Bottom 3: Carla, Dale, Tiffany. Tiffany's shrimp was overcooked, thanks to Marcel, and it was overly sweet because of the sauce. Dale's soup had raw potatoes and the croutons were covered with mustard, and not in a tasty way. Carla wanted to redeem her Quickfire fish and failed. The fish was overpowered by the taste of hot sauce and mustard and the collard greens didn't compliment in either. Dale is told to pack his knives and go- wowzer. Another front runner out of the game.

Big thank you to Dirt Squirrel Phil Robinson for the title of this week's Rundown!

Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, CBS.com, PopTower.com, Survivor.com

Reality Rundown: Brought To You By the Phrase "Whole New Level"

To kick off hometown visits, the show decides to show a preview of all the dates and an 8 minute season recap. Fast forward!

Brad's first visit is with Chantal in Seattle. Brad learns Chantal is a package deal: if he picks her, he also gets her cats and her Pomeranian who is no way as delightful as Giggy from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. They leave Chantal's house to visit her parents and they live in one big fucking mansion with maaaaahble coluuuumns. Brad shares how they met (slap in the face) and her family laughs and laughs, because the moment was so staged by producers. Chantal has alone time with her dad and really hopes Brad will get the seal of approval from her family. Brad and Chantal's dad bond over their shared past of families with masons, estranged dads, and statues of dudes carving themselves out of marble, but kinda looks like a weiner grab at the right angle. In the end, Brad gets the marriage blessing if the time arises, which is possible because Brad tells us he sees a real future with her.

Brad heads up and over to Maine, right on the US/Canada border, to visit Ashley the dentist and her family. They go to Lakeview Restaurant, where Ashley had her first job and where Reality Steve accurately reported they had a date, and share a dish of Canadian national treasure: poutine. You thought I was going to say Degrassi, huh? Brad and Ashley arrive at her family's house, where all of them cram on a couch and floor together like it's Christmas Day and presents are being opened. Weird! But I do like Ashley because she's kooky. They also have lobster dinner, making me very hungry. While I think they have a fun report, it seems like the two of them don't know a lot about each other or future goals, so it's obvious Brad isn't that into her. I mean, shouldn't Brad ask Ashley if she wants kids, not her dad?

Brad's third stop is in Chico, California for time with Shawntel where he gets a quick reality check via a tour of Shawntel's workplace: a funeral home. While Brad thinks Chico is a nice town, the mausoleum is not his scene. Shawntel shows off the crematorium, always an aphrodisiac, and Brad comes to the realization that you talk to your spouse about work and dead people doesn't jive well. This is the most awkward date ever, and one time we saw a guy left alone on a glacier or thrown off a train like a hobo stowaway. Brad comes clean and tells Shawntel he doesn't handle death well, though she explains her situation and how much love comes in and out of there, even in sad circumstances. Over dinner with her family, her dad discusses how Shawntel would/could take over the family business for him, the issue being that if Brad picked her, she'd have to move to Austin. Dad really doesn't want Shawntel to go as she's part of a community that wants her there. Shawntel really wants a future with Brad though and will make it work. Ominous foreshadowing!

Emily reunites with her daughter Ricki in Charlotte, North Carolina, only to have it shortly interrupted by Brad the dunce. Emily explains Ricki has never met a single one of her boyfriends. Emily is a sweet girl, but I think the show is telling a story. I also think they have zero chemistry; sure she's a nice person, but besides that, do you really want this girl stuck with sack of potatoes Brad? By the way, he is THIRTEEN YEARS older than her. The kid is initially terrified of Brad, as I would be, but she takes the present he brought her which is of course a kite, so they can get some picturesque scene of them flying it together like a family. They play in Emily's daughter's massive playroom and it goes well. Emily tells Brad she could see herself with him. Again, I'm not buying it. Brad wants to kiss her but is sticking to hugs because there's a kid upstairs, but she's not into that. Guess what? The kid is always upstairs so man up. She insists he kiss her before he leaves which he does and of course it happens in the open doorway, with a camera in the front yard catching this magical moment from far away like a movie. Gross. Fake. Staged.

Newwww York City. Brad and Chris Harrison have one-on-one time, only adding fuel to my fire that Chris Harrison murdered the therapist. All the ladies have been shipped to New York for the rose ceremony where we all have to ponder who is going home. Hmmm, I wonder (not really, it's obvious). Brad gives his roses to Ashley, Emily and Chantal. He cuts Shawntel, perhaps so she can run the family business or maybe because talking about dead folks. Brad lets Shawntel know that he couldn't reciprocate saying he loved her back. He walks her down to the lobby and her towncar for her solo sobfest back to her hotel. Brad heads up to his final 3 to bring good news: they're going to South Africa and there are helicopters!!

Serving of the Week

Name: Justin Bieber on CSI

SERVED: If there's a video I've given about 100 hits to since Friday, it is Justin Bieber's second appearance on long-standing CBS series, CSI. I guess Justin plays a teen killer and in his second appearance, he gets into a stand-off with the police. If you're a Belieber, it is not a happy ending; if you're anyone else, it's amazing. The cops take the Beebs down with a dozen glorious shots- it's hysterical. Watch Justin get SERVED over and over and over.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit: Justin Bieber Zone

The Amazing Race: Unfinished Business Pre-Show Winner Prediction

The Amazing Race: Unfinished Business (aka All Stars 2) premieres tonight and I realized I needed to make a pre-show winner prediction. Thank god I already know all of the teams so I don't have to do my in-depth shakedown that I do for unknown teams. Honestly, I found it hard to pick a team because I sort of have a top 3, not necessarily my favorite teams, but a who can go far list.

MELISSA PREDICTS....

JAIME AND CARA will win The Amazing Race: Unfinished Business

There were a lot of final 3 participants this season, so I took a few considerations into factor. One, the Cowboys still bug me, so it was hard to vote for them. Christina and Ron I like a lot and are strong, but Ron is a few years older now, making him the oldest racer. I also like LaKisha and Jennifer, but decided Jaime and Cara were an overall far stronger team. Jaime and Cara's main hindrance was their cab temper and interaction with locals. However, they were jerks before and still made it to 2nd place. Deep down in my heart, I'd love to pick the ever-hilarious Flight Time and Big Easy, but I just don't know if luck can help these guys two races in a row. Can we have back-to-back seasons of female winners? We shall see!

Who do you think will win The Amazing Race? Leave your prediction in the comments. Get it right and you'll get a shout-out at the end of the season.

Photo Credit: CBS.com

Reality Rundown: Literal Iron Chef

The Biggest Loser • New! Survivor: Redemption Island • Top Chef All-Stars

The Biggest Loser - Arthur and his dad discuss Arthur's strategic move last week and knows he has to perform this week or the angry girls will vote him or his dad off. It's short-lived because there's a pop challenge: everyone is tied together and has to untie themselves fastest. The winning team gets the one and only key to the gym which is funny because it's clearly an antique key so good luck using that piece of shit to get into a state of the art facility. Oh, they put a prop antique lock on the door for effect. Snazzy. The red team wins so it looks like the noobs get the gym. Oh but there are workout bikes outside in the yard for the other team so they're not completely helpless.

In the workouts, some chicks on the black team whine about being underdogs and that Olympian guys is disappointed in who he is now and wants to get his glory back. Cara encourages him to open up because if you can't talk it out you're screwed. Oh someone is really getting into Jillian's turf. Eh, Jillian's leaving anyways so we need a surrogate. The red team chills out by having swimming contest for a Subway breakfast. Oh god, I think I vomited in my mouth. Not from obese people swimming, but from the idea of eating breakfast at Subway, let alone anything from Subway. As the red team cut loose, the black team teaches Arthur how to cook since he's learned nothing up until this point it seems.

There's another challenge for the teams to really push, literally. The teams will have to push a 24 ton train 800 feet. Because pushing a train is too easy, they have to answer trivia questions regarding food and nutrition. The prize is worth it though: the winning team will get to select a member of the opposite team to not count at the weigh-in. The black team finishes the challenge in 2:05, while red finishes in 1:35. However, due to trivia penalties, the times are changed: black team ends up at 3:05, red got 5 wrong but was still able to beat the black team's time.

Weigh-in. The red team weighs in first for a total of 63lbs, which means the black team of self-described underdogs has to lose more than 52lbs. In the worst decision ever, the red team doesn't choose Arthur as the player to omit. They choose Irene, which is dumb but the black team is full of duds so it might not matter. Arthur is held to dead last, his team's fate lay is his hands with 13lbs needed to keep the black team safe. Arthur steps on the giant fake scale and loses a whopping 20lbs, leading to cheers from his team and tears over on the red side. Dumbest move ever, red team. When voting, the numbers on the scale don't matter and the red team selects loyalty over weak players and sends Jay home, per his wishes, instead of his daughter.

New! Survivor: Redemption Island - Welcome back to Nicaragua for another go-round of the adventure of a lifetime. A bunch of strangers are dropped off with Jeff via military helicopter but are immediately informed two more players are joining the game, and in come Boston Rob and Russell. Fuuuuuuck. There's big cheers for Rob, groans for Russell. Rob ends up on orange (Ometepe), Russell on purple (Zapatera). Jeff also reveals the twist of the season right away, explaining Redemption Island where an eliminated contestant will live and survive alone. When the next person arrives, they duel and the winner gets to stay and the other person is gone for good. Eventually, the Redemption Island champ gets back into the game. It is real-life Thunderdome.

Zapatera gets to camp where Russell won't STFU about how he'll dominate again. A product placement Craftsmen toolbox is at camp to help build shelter. Well that's no fun- I prefer the suffering way of building. Russell does his exact same plays by picking a cute girl to be his #2, or should I say #1 because Russell always loses to his partner because he sucks. It doesn't fall on blind eyes, as David notices Russell pulling his cute girl move and informs Mike. The guys know it's important to get rid of Russell as soon as possible. PLEASE DO.

Ometepe bonds quickly and looooves Rob soooo much and is annoyed a lot by Phillip (good thing I didn't make him my pre-show winner pick). Phillip comes right out with him being able to read people and liars, he was a secret agent, and he'd love to be voted off first. He didn't say the last part, but he's asking for it with this speech. Kristina is searching through the tools and Rob knows she is searching for a clue to an immunity idol. Be a little sneakier, lady. Kristina and Phillip bond and decide to work together, stay with the young girls, avoid Rob. Desperate to find the idol, Kristina takes a shovel out to search and poke around. She finds it easily hidden below some rocks. Jesus Survivor, haven't you learned to hide it better? Kudos to Kristina for finding it and not being a troll in a fedora. Phillip starts get super defensive, paranoid and demanding about who Kristina and Francesca want to vote off and they aren't having it and already regret aligning with him.

Immunity challenge: push blocks along a track to build a base of a temple, do some climbing, and do a puzzle. You know, like every other challenge this show does. So many stupid puzzles. Winning team also gets flint for fire-building. Boston Rob and Russell both end up becoming the leaders of their team during the puzzle (though David initially leads the Zapatera puzzle movement), and Zapatera wins. It's hard to be excited since that means Russell is on my TV another week.

Ometepe has to get their game on and send someone to Redemption Island. Kristina lets Francesca know she has the idol and has a master plan: get all the young girls to vote for her, then the rest of them will vote for Rob. Play the idol, blindside Rob. Francesca likes the idea of it, but they are a physically weak tribe and need to get rid of the weak and the young girls. Francesca suggests eliminating Natalie instead. Kristina also lets Phillip know she has the idol, but worries maybe she shouldn't have told him. Boston Rob initially wanted Francesca out because Francesca knew his game, but also knows Kristina's deadly because she was seeking an idol. Rob tells the children (because that's what they are) to split the votes between Francesca and Kristina.

At Tribal Council, Phillip gets pissy and openly declares that Francesca and Kristina asked him to vote off Rob. It gets better, even if he's annoying: Phillip announces that Kristina has an immunity idol. She admits it and the whole plan blows up. Kristina tells Rob her plan was not to vote for him but for Natalie. Hot mess of a Tribal! A deal is brokered between Rob and Kristina: give Rob the immunity idol and she'll stay in the game. What a bunch of dummies, seriously. The votes are cast and Francesca, another person I liked pre-show but knew she wouldn't last, gets eliminated. Sort of. Now Francesca heads to Redemption Island to feed off the land and prepare for her first duel next week.

Top Chef All-Stars - Quickfire challenge has Padma speaking like that reporter who had that stroke on air, but Elmo, Cookie Monster and Telly pop from Sesame Street pop up behind a table as this week's judges. Love it!! The actual challenge is to make the best cookie cookie cookie cookie ever and the winner gets $5k. There is nothing more adorable than Elmo cheering for a zuccini cookie.. nothing!! Cookie Monster is so hungry he attempts to eat the tablecloth, which I guarantee is tastier than Mike Isabella's cookie. Cookie clunkers: Richard's ice cream non-cookie, Angelo's dry cookie. Favorites: Dale's potato chip sweet and salty cookie and Antonia's super chocolately gooey cookie, which Elmo says looks like "cow chips" (Google it). The winner is Dale and I really want that recipe because it looked really delicious and easy to make.

$25k is on the line for the Elimination Challenge, which lets the contestants go all Supermarket Sweep on a Target, where they have 3 hours to raid the store for ingredients to make a dish for 100 Target employees. They can't bring any of their own gear, they must buy everything at Target (knives, cooking equipement, etc). A shopping spree in Target is basically my dream in life, so I watch this episode in awe. Better stock up on the Foreman grills. Once they've shopped til they dropped (another epic PAX gameshow), they set up their stations in the middle of the aisles. Everyone is settling in, but Carla is still roaming the aisles for decorating her table and barely finding ingredients. Pull it together Carla, don't let me down!

As the chefs prepare their dishes, mainly soup it seems, a decorator sets up table for the employees. Will the employees have to clean this shitshow up later? Dale makes grilled cheese and tomato soup with an iron, which is pretty awesome. The judges take their seats and my main man Ming Tsai (East Meets West!) and Thomas O'Brien (designer guy from earlier) are the guest judges. Ming Tsai wins the Pun of the Year when he comments Dale "is trying to be an IRON Chef."

Judges' Panel and the chefs are exhausted from the all-nighter. Top dishes: Antonia, Dale, Richard. Richard has his loin cooked two ways, which showed a lot of hard work. Antonia's runny eggs were the perfect consistency. Dale's grilled cheese was crispy and the soup had a smokiness that was good. Dale wins the elimination challenge too, pocketing $30k tonight. Someone's going up a tax bracket! See people, you may laugh at my passion for grilled cheese and tomato soup but it pays... big time! Carla, Tiffany and Angelo are the bottom of the pack, meaning we're still stuck with Mike Isabella. What gives? Carla's soup never boiled so there was a weird texture and lacked a protein. Angelo's baked potato soup was way too salty and maybe a little rich. Tiffany's jambalaya used a prepared spice mix, which ruined the dish. Angelo is told to pack his knives and go, which is a shocker because I totally thought it was Tiffany's time to go. Thus ends the bromance of Angelo and Mike "How are you still on this show?" Isabella.

Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, CBS.com, NBC.com, Survivor.com

Survivor: Redemption Island Pre-Show Winner Prediction

Survivor: Redemption Island starts tonight and it's hard to garner enthusiasm for the season simply because I am so fucking over Russell Hantz and Boston Rob. In the past 4 seasons of Survivor, Russell has been on 3 of them. FML. But, the recaps shall go on and I am actually excited for the twist of Redemption Island where you can fight to get back onto the show. Adds a new element to the game which can really bite your game in the butt or save those eliminated too early.

Realizing that I probably should've done this a week ago, it's time for me to declare my pre-show winner prediction for Survivor: Redemption Island. I came so close last season, with my pick of Chase the runner-up. This season, I will admit, there are no players that stand out to me, a lot of duds, so this is really a random pick which could really be thrown for a loop based on the Redemption Island return-to-the-game twist.

MELISSA PREDICTS....

MIKE will win Survivor: Redemption Island

Mike was one of the only contestants' videos I could sit through from beginning to end. He is good looking, likable, and young enough to bond with both sides. He also cited Rudy as the Survivor contestant he's most like, which to mean symbolizes a real fan of the game when all the other people keep saying Parvati, JT and other recent seasons. I'm also thinking he'll be a target to Russell and Rob but I think the twist of Redemption Island could keep Mike around in this game. Phillip is another I liked and almost picked. He's worked as an investigator, was in the military, is a CEO. He seems to have a good ability to read people and interact, but I also see him being 52 as a disadvantage when most contestants are under 25, even if he appears to be really strong and social. The young always flock together. So Mike is a ballsy pick, but I think I'll give it a shot. I really like Francesca and want to pick her, but I worry she could go fast, especially in a game dominated by super-young people this season and a potential temper due to her impatience (which she says in her video).

Who do you think will win Survivor: Redemption Island? Leave your prediction in the comments. Get it right and you'll get a shout-out at the end of the season.

Photo Credit: CBS

Reality Rundown: Somewhere Coco from Fame is Having "Lose the Top" Flashbacks

Brad and the harem head to the island of Anguilla for what will likely be a lot of making out in sand and a fair share of crying. There are 4 dates this week: 3 1-on-1 dates (no roses) and a "pretty incredible group date" that does have a rose.

Date card #1 is for Emily, citing her as one of 3 things Brad would bring on a deserted island along with a picnic lunch and champagne. I would've opted for an iPod or maybe soap to be practical, but that's just me. In flies a HELICOPTER!!!! A true happy Valentine's Day to me. Them to, but moreso to me. As @MamaXanax pointed out on Twitter, Brad takes Emily to a private island shaped like a penis, maybe to drop a big hint or something. So on Dick Island, the conversation seems awkward and silent because Brad gets shy around her and I still feel like she's just not that into him. She needs to let her guard down, but Brad lets her know he's into her and they kiss- finally. About time considering he's so hooked on her. They later share a romantic dinner (and an outfit change) where Emily is hesitant about letting some dude she has kissed once meet her daughter. She's like, "Oh yeah how do I get fake engaged to someone that hasn't met my kid?" and Brad's like "Yeah, well I want to" over and over. He "breaks the rules" and tells Emily she is 100% getting a rose and wants to go to her hometown. Then they make out while standing in the ocean, just like the director told them to do.

On date #2, Brad brings Shawntel to ride bikes around town and ogle the locals who play steel drums as they drink from coconuts. It's called Caribbean cliches for $200, Alex. They jumprop, play dominoes, and drinking wine with kids. Sorry, that's not a Montana from Real World: Boston reference, I mean baby goats! Adorable!! Shawntel lets Brad know she's falling in love with him. They eat dinner next to the water, talk, it starts raining, they kiss. I don't care much- they are dullsville together. Brad pretends he knows that some dude performing for them in the biggest performer in Anguilla, even the Caribbean, and they dance and bore me and make out in the ocean.

Date #3 is the final 1-on-1 and Brad takes Britt (who?) on her first non-group date. They get picked up on the shore by a yacht. The yacht drops anchor by some big-ass rocks which they jump off of, I guess hoping to make it onto an episode of Tosh.0 for slamming into a cliff. Britt is also really thin so seeing her in a bikini is nasty, sorry. Like every other girl on this shows besides some of the whorish ones, Britt is afraid to open up. Brad realizes that even in the most romantic setting he doesn't even want to sex her up one bit. The romantic spark doesn't ignite at dinner either so Brad dumps her as soon as Britt finishes dinner, which seems to be a common theme for him. Britt tries to argue her case for sticking around, that maybe a few more dates would help, but it's a no from Brad. He then throws Britt to the Caribbean sharks for a feast. Nah, she takes a chartered dingy back to land, walks back to the house, and then lets the girls know she got the heave ho.

Group date: Michelle, Chantal and Ashley throw on their itsy bitsy teeny weeny red macrame bikinis for a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot. Like these famewhores need any more ego boosting. In a moment right out of Fame, the girls are urged to take off their bikini tops; Chantal and Ashley comply (much like Coco did, as she wept for the skeezy man in the NYC apartment), Michelle doesn't and instead urges Brad to pose with her, where she then makes out with Brad, on top of him, in front of everyone. Poor Ashley is flat as a board while Chantal and Michelle are rocking what their doctor gave them. The moral of this story: if you are on a group date, you really need to be a whore to get the man's attention. Great story, huh?

Brad suddenly realizes making out with a woman literally in front of them was a skeezebag move. DUH. He pulls Ashley and Chantal aside and apologizes for his behavior, while the girls question why are they here. Brad's worried he and Michelle might be too alike, both being stubborn and defensive. Brad sends Chantal to yet another sobfest as he picks up the rose in front of her and Michelle and brings it to Ashley. Ashley and Brad slow-run to each other and she receives the rose. Since she cries again, Chantal gets more time to whine and complain that she doesn't want to get rejected and she doesn't get why she didn't get the rose. I'm sick of recapping her whiny bullshit.

Rose ceremony time and there are only 3 roses, since Ashley is already safe. We know Emily is definitely getting a rose so it's a battle between boring Shawntel, sobbing Chantal, and badass Michelle. Chris gets his weekly bro chat back, likely after hiring a hitman to kill Brad's therapist, and Brad insists there's no need for a cocktail party, his mind is made up. Brad hands out his roses to Emily, Shawntel and Chantal. Michelle is upset and doesn't want to talk to Brad; she just hops in the limo and peaces out. But hey, as an actress at least she gets exposure in Sports Illustrated in the form of guys J.O.'ing to a picture of her. That's what success is, right? I think I might have my notion of success mixed up. Michelle's final words are a sigh and laying down in the limo, probably from being so exhausted as the producer's bitch puppet of the season.

Season Tracking
"Here/not here for the right reasons": 6
Helicopter date count: 4
Super Extreme Stunt date count: 4

Serving of the Week

Name: Lady Gaga

SERVED: Looking at the photo above I bet you're asking yourself, "Why are you SERVING the spacepod that brought Clark Kent from Kypton to Earth?" People, that is no space egg, that is Lady Gaga entering the Grammy Awards. I think I speak for the world when I say, Lady Gaga, we get it. Yes, you're so kooky and avante garde. You know what's avant garde? Not ripping off a Madonna song and calling it your newest big single. Wear a dress, walk in normal, and stop being such an attention whore. It's not unique anymore because Madonna and Grace Jones did it all 20 years ago. Your act is tiresome. Maybe we'd be intrigued if you donned the character of a real person. SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit: Dlisted

Reality Rundown: A "Booger" Unfit for Consumption

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef All-Stars

The Biggest Loser - Gone are the pairs, in are teams: Bob/Jillian- Black Team, Unknowns-Red Team. It kicks off right away with a Temptation: the most beautiful chocolate Valentine's Day explosion. I want to go there. The winners of the Temptation get to swap 2 members from their team to the other team, and take 2 members onto their team or keep the teams the same. The intriguing part: no one will know if you ate, even if you win. It's all anonymous. Bon bons away! A few red team members eat 4 or 5 chocolates. In what is no surprise, the fattest guy there eats a ton. There is a winner and he/she decided to swap. Jen and Jay, the strongest black team members, from the black team swap with Sarah and Denny. The red team is now a power team fo' sho. Just when it seems over, Arthur the fattest dude there speaks up, after playing up his shock earlier: he put the weaker players on his team to keep his dad and Marci safe. His team is livid, the other team is angry, and the 2 new members are pissed because they are the obvious targets, the sacrificial lambs.

The trainers learn of the news and again, Cara the new trainer sucks at being fake shocked. Oh and we learn Arthur ate 35 chocolates. Shizz dude. I love chocolate but that would make my stomach explode. Bob and Jillian understand Arthur's mindset, but stress that he's an even bigger target now than before.

Challenge: there's 5 different sections with different types of strength and when each is complete you get a present. Once the presents are collected, they unwrap for a final task. The sections are 1. Endurance- roll a rock blindfolded and endure a teammate yelling at you, 2. Speed- speed brick stacking, 3. Agility- order dishes based on calories, 4. Strength- walk across a telephone pole while holding a log, and 5. Knowledge- archery. The final task is puzzle, just like Survivor always does. All of this is to win stupid video letters from home, which they pretend is actually happening for Valentine's Day when it was filmed in the fall. Fast forward, I don't care! The black team of underdogs wins.

Weigh-in. Jay and Jen really stick it to their old team by both losing double digits. Q again sucks on his team and the entire red team is upset they kept him over his wife. The black team slaughters red in the weigh-in, leaving a choice between loyalty or strength. The red team decides that only the strong survive and send Q home.

Top Chef All-Stars - It's a fondle sweaters, I mean fondue Quickfire challenge and there is no just judges, the cheftestants will vote for the winners and losers. Winner gets a 3 day trip to Napa Valley which I am going to assume is the fondue capital of the world. I really hope the chefs vote fairly like they do on Next Iron Chef. Fabio, Tiffany and Mike are the least favorites. Mike's moroccan spiced lamb was nasty. Tiffany was a donut dipped in chocolate. Fabio's was cold. The top 3 are Antonia, Dale and Angelo, though Richard keeps claiming he's the best and every fears him. Richard, STFU with your science crap. Dale wins the Quickfire with Vietnamese Pho fondue.

The Elimination Challenge leads the cheftestants to Rockefeller Center and into Studio 6B where they film Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, a personal fave. The cheftestants will play the always awesome game, Cell Phone Shootout, which quickly shows pictures of food and they will take a snapshot and cook whatever food they take a pic of for Jimmy's birthday lunch. Carla's dream comes true when she gets chicken pot pie and I am sure Richard will do some nerdy-ass thing to Ramen. Antonia gets screwed with beef tongue, while Fabio has never made a hamburger before, nor can he pronounce it. Eating "boogers" is far less appealing than a good burger, Fabio.

The judges arrive at Coliccio & Sons for their lunch and it's a laugh riot the whole time (love you Hig-bones). Antonia makes beef tongue as a deli sandwich. Fabio makes his "booger" out of chuck, shortribs, and brisket- ummm YUM separate, together, huh? Tiffany makes chicken and dumplings with a southern-western spicy twist. Richard goes for authenticity over flash for his ramen with pork belly. Dale makes his first Philly cheesesteaks ever but it's salty. Carla mades adorable "bomb diggity" chicken pot pies (chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot piiiiie!). Angelo makes a pulled pork sandwich that incorporates coffee into the rub. Mike makes sausage and peppers, Fenway style (Go Boston! Not Mike!). The meal ends with a big ol' ice cream cake and the announcement that the winner will get a cooking segment on Late Night.

Judges' Table. Top 3: Antonia, Angelo and Carla. HOOTIE HOO! The coffee, dill, cilantro rub sounded so wrong, yet was so delicious for Angelo's pulled pork. Carla's dream lives up the the hype, especially the extra crust on the bottom. Antonia's beef tongue was great and then the cheftestants sing the song they wrote about the beef tongue. It is... odd. The winner of the challenge, and guest on Jimmy's show is... CARLA! HOOTIE HOO x2!! She also wins a 6 night trip to Tokyo. Man, Carla is in it to win it and I am so psyched! Bottom 3: Tiffany, Fabio, Dale. Tiffany's dumplings were thin and dough-lacking. Fabio's burger was more like a meatloaf and not enough juicy fat. Dale's philly cheesesteak was the victim of the "salt monster," according to Jimmy. After deliberation, the cheftestants leaving this week is Fabio. Holy balls- wowzer!


Photo Credits: BravoTV.com, NBC.com

Reality Rundown: Buggin' Out

Costa Rica is full of lush rainforests, active volcanoes, fantastic wildlife and helicopters!!!

Chantal is the recipient of the first date card: a 1-on-1 date teasing "close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight." Indeed it's in the air because they fly in a helicopter (!!) to go ziplining on the longest zip line in the world in the rain. That's 2 for the season count right there! They even zipline together which reminds me of the scene where Cru Jones and Christian (aka Lori Loughlin aka Aunt Becky) go ass-sliding in Rad. Brad and Chantal have a romantic dinner by the river, but it begins to rain on their parade. Soaked to the bone, they run to, well some house I guess they had a room at, and dry off. Wisely, Brad lets a wet Chantal wear a white button-down shirt and no pants because it's sexy and he might get a nip shot. While making me extremely hungry as they eat dessert, Chantal lets Brad know her feelings for him, she's not crazy, and they make out. A lot. Get a room! Oh wait, they have one. Chantal receives a rose.

Date #2 is a group date with Emily, Jackie, Brit, Crazy Michelle, Ashley the dentist, and Shawntel. They go rappelling down a waterfall, which is awesome because Michelle made Brad promise to never rapell with anyone else besides her. Haha bitch. More exciting, yet another super extreme stunt date! Michelle decides to be a real c-word because she hates sharing Brad and can't get over that lameass rappelling pact, but when Brad lets her go last and rappels with her, she's all smiles.

After rappelling they find a hot springs to hang out in, because Costa Rica is short on rooftop hotel pools. In solo time, Jackie kind of whines that Brad chose to rappell with Michelle and not her. Waaah. Emily lets Brad know she is liking him more, but tends to sabotage relationships with guys she likes (foreshadowing, much?) While bathing with crazy Michelle, Brad hears some insane screaming which is Alli, all the way back at the villa, screaming about a giant beetle. Michelle grills Brad in the hot tub about his bond and date with Chantal, which really pisses him off. Michelle doesn't think Chantal is the right girl for him and basically he tells her to buzz off. Since all these bitches be crazy, Brad doesn't give the rose to anyone. Some Costa Rican cleaning lady scrubbing that hot tub is going to be so excited.

Alli, the girl who always gets interrupted, finally gets a 1-on-1 date. The date cards as her to "meet me at the alter" because yes, they are getting married. Seriously- you bitches read into these cards too much. Turns out alter means going horseback riding to a ravine to then take the girl afraid of bugs and bats into a cave. This some Golddiggers: Secret of Bear Mountain shit. Ok, not really, but there's a lot of bugs and Alli gets freaked out, which is good TV. As they climb through the cave, they find the "alter" which is rocks that formed into a staircase (very cool). There's a picnic at the alter and Brad seems to be digging Alli now that he can talk to her and not get interrupted by some random trick. Later they have dinner on a platform in the middle of some hot spring where conversation is kind of lacking and any conversation is sort of opposite plains. It's so obvious he's just not that into her; it's friend zone time. Brad lets Alli know he cannot give her the rose and the date ends.

Brad is pretty mentally exhausted from his date with Alli and wants time alone with his thoughts. It's, of course, the ideal time for the producers to send crazy Michelle up to his suite to bother him. What a shock, they hardly talk and just make out. Michelle gives the lonely rose the side-eye and lets Brad know that letting Alli go was smart and that Chantal is a bad choice. Michelle gets shady and starts listing out who should be eliminated next, and then after that, etc. Michelle leaves, confident she's made a great impression on Brad. Brad is tired of Michelle questioning his decisions, though, and feels like she is a root of this evil sometimes.

Pre-rose ceremony cocktail party: Brad's kind of a mess, which I'll pretend is because he didn't get to talk to his therapist on-camera for us, but it's really because "someone gave him grief" about not giving out a rose. The women quickly deduce Michelle is the culprit. In her solo time, Brad lets Michelle know that she's "scaring him badly" and not in a sexy turn-on way. Michelle puts the blame on him, saying he pushed for her to give him dirt, then insists she's meant to be here. Michelle won't admit she gave Brad grief until the women give her enough grief for her to admit she went to Brad's suite to complain about the rose. Oh and in positive news, Chantal drops the L-bomb and informs Brad she's in love with him. Yeah that was fast. Brad seems like "wow already" and asks why, and apparently empathy and sacrifice are her reasons.

Chris Harrison pops up out of nowhere. I'm assuming he's been circling around Costa Rica for days in a helicopter, waiting to clink that champagne glass. Only one woman gets cut this week and upon finding herself in the bottom 2, Michelle gives the crazy eyes to Jackie next to her. Ugh- crazy Michelle gets the rose. When will her reign of bitchy terror end? Hey at least Jackie got a private concert by Train? Oh wait, she got totally jipped.

Season Tracking
"Here/not here for the right reasons": 6
Helicopter date count: 3
Super Extreme Stunt date count: 4

Serving of the Week

Name: Superbowl XLV Commercials

SERVED: Don't get it twisted, I like football, but I prefer college football. But because it's a cultural phenomenon, and I like to see what people blow a million dollars on, I tune into the Superbowl for the commercials. Holy fail. Everytime I paused my DVR to not miss the commercials I kept asking myself why. These commercials were terrible and need to be SERVED. Ozzy and Bieber hocking 3G networks for Best Buy? Coca Cola's Delgo-looking CGI creep show? The fucking eTrade baby? Adrien Brody crooning to a bar? AWFUL. Companies spend millions of dollars to make these commercials and buy the ad space. They should've spent it on an employee appreciation party or something because these were some of the worst ads ever. These ads are the epitome of why the DVR is needed. SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

Photo Credit: Fancast

Reality Rundown: Risott-oh No You Didn't!

The Biggest Loser • Top Chef All-Stars

The Biggest Loser - There's a last chance workout since last week was to be continued. The Red team dude from the unknowns got pissed about something. Sorry I missed it because I was too exhausted from a long drive in the snow. Anyways, the ranchers head to the weigh-in and are re-joined by the Green team. The Blue team sucks again because while a super heavy dude loses a lot, he can't drop the dead weight of his poor-performing dad. Since Don "didn't throw the weigh-in" last week we expected big numbers, but Don and his partner (Irene the orange team girl) throw the weigh-in again so Don can go home. There's no vote needed, no silver platters, and the other fat twin cop goes home.

Now that a month has lapsed, it's time for the unknowns and their trainers to join the game. Like a Noah's Ark of fat people, the unknowns enter two by two, wowing the ranchers with their weight loss. Ali lets us know there are 2 challenges (ughhh) and the ranchers get a chance to win immunity by losing more than they did last week. The Unknowns, or I guess the returns now, will finally eliminate someone. The new trainers finally enter the Biggest Loser gym and start their training on new turf while the ranchers gawk at them, particularly that Olympian dude who breaks 2 treadmills being a badass.

The first challenge is for the ranchers only and they have to put weights on a scale to knock the other teams out. Red gets knocked out first and knows the game has definitely changed from the happy smiley let's-all-be-friends off-ranch times. It comes down to Yellow and Gray and better strategizing of which weights to use gives the Yellow team a victory and immunity.

At the weigh-in, where Alison Sweeney rocks a jacket stolen straight from the Neverland Ranch, the ranchers meet their 48lb goal so all teams are immune. The returns now must weigh-in and finally vote off a team. The returns smoke the ranchers by a landslide. Seriously, are they doping because their numbers are amazing while the ranchers are meh. The Red team falls below the yellow line, even with a percentage as high as 3.59%. Q tells his team that his wife, Larialmy, that they agree she should go home, but the team seems to disagree because Q is lazy. The teams honor the Red team's wishes and send Larialmy home. Good, because I can't spell that name and have to keep copy and pasting.

Top Chef All-Stars - Quickfire: Padma and designer/The Fashion Showhost Isaac Mizrahi are in the kitchen whoring out HSN producers and calling them "inspiration" for food. The challenge is to make a dish that will be judged solely based on aesthetic, no tasting. Food art!! Worst: Dale's attempt at graffiti with nasty foods, Tre's over simplified abstract art, and Angelo for his lousy attempt at crocodile skin (which included writing "CROCODILE" in serial killer handwriting on the table). Best: Fabio who wrote some quote, Carla's for a beatiful hand-crafted piece, and Richard's shattered black ice cream (aka Dippin' Dots). Richard wins the challenge with his jagged Dippin' Dots.

Elimination challenge: create a dish inspired by the Rao family. Who? Famous Italians who run some restaurants. Fabio just pissed himself in glee. In 3 teams of 3, each team will be responsible for a different portion of the meal: antipasti, pasta, and main dish. As the teams speak to their team mentor from the Rao family, Fabio won't let his team get a word in because he's too busy out-Italianing them. We get it.

At the dining table the judges are joined by the Raos, a man with the jazziest vest ever, and Lorraine Bracco. Dr. Melfi is fucking haunting me. Antipasti: Carla makes minestrone soup, Antonia does mussels and white wine, Tiffany makes warm polenta terraine. Prima: Tre makes risotto (WHO BURNED MY RICE? I miss you Lisa), Mike makes a "rustic peasant dish" with freshly made rigatoni and calamari because he's sooo Italian too, and Dale has brussell sprouts and pasta. Segunde (?) aka meat course: super Italian Fabio makes chicken cacciatore, Angelo sauteed pork, and Richard a fresh pancetta cutlet.

Judge's table. Antonia, Carla, Fabio and Tiffany are called in first: they are the top dishes. HOOTIE HOO! Antonia's dish was perfect and not over thought. Carla's minestrone incorporated parmesan well. Fabio had well-cooked chicken and amazing polenta. Tiffany has sausage, which is "enough said" for them. The winner is Antonia- an Italian wins, but Fabio is sour grapes and says Antonia's dish was a French dish. Bottom group: Mike, Dale and Tre (all the second course guys). Mike would've been better off using boxed pasta, as his "fresh" pasta was undercooked and oversauced. Dale's pasta crumbled and lacked sauce. It was more like he cooked everything separate and then combined it. Tre was hellbent on making risotto, but he didn't cook the rice right. It was too firm and should've spread out on the plate. Tre is sent packing and we're stuck with Mike yet another week.

Reality Rundown: Thunderdome Date: Ashley vs. Ashley Edition

The girls escape the dreaded mansion and hop on a flight to Las Vegas with about 30 suitcases between 11 women. There will be a 1-on-1, a group date, and the best ever 2-on-1 Thunderdome date, all while staying at a bigass suite in the new Aria hotel.

1-on-1 date: Shawntel the embalmer gets to "end the night with a bang." Bad news: no sexin', it's just a shopping spree at a mall. More bad news: the shopping spree is NOT at the M&M store. Basically this date is like what you do when you're 14 and can't go anywhere else, but with Fendi, Prada and an unlimited budget. Shawntel returns to the suite with all her shopping bags, sending the ladies into a fit of jealous rage. Shawntel then gets primped up in the dress she and Brad picked and head to a romantic dinner on the roof of the Aria hotel. It's just like The Hangover but no Jager shots or roofies. At dinner, they discuss Shawntel's job stuffing dead people, which is the ideal conversation to have while shoving down 5-star cuisine. She receives a rose and they smooch under a firework show.

The group date card says "let's go speed dating" and it doesn't involve popping pills and going crazy. Instead, the ladies leave the big city and meet Brad at a NASCAR track for the Cole Trickle kind of speed. Can this show think of one fucking date that isn't recycled from every other season? The ladies race each other, with no stakes even mentioned, so who cares? While everyone is having good times, Emily's kind of depressed looking because her ex-fiance was a NASCAR driver, so this reminds her of him. God, the producers of this show are lappin' it up on this. They can claim this wasn't at all staged and pure coincidence. Brad wasn't aware of this, so Emily opens up to him with the rest of her story: her fiance was a driver-turned-owner and his driving career ended at this very track because of a crash. Emily overcomes the odds, and Ricky memories, to drive around the track. She also gets the Bachelor love/hero music, which I guess is supposed to imply Emily really has moved on. Oh, editing!

The after-party is at, of course, a private pool (sans-rooftop). Brad pulls Emily aside for 1-on-1 time first and finally the girls snap on the nice girl behind her back. Alli gets pissed that the girl "with the worst story means they get the most attention." Brad just wants Emily to get her guard down and see his open arms and not be thinking about the fiance, but she assures him she's here for love for realsies. Alli then cries to Brad because she doesn't feel special and it would be so awesome for someone to interrupt her again. Chantal then cries. Too many tears, not enough shots! Michelle sees how burnt out Brad is getting by the crybabies and makes an excellent point that there are a lot of little girls here. That's what happens when you cast mostly 24 year olds for a 38 year old guy! Instead of talking, they make out and Brad likes it a lot. Brad takes Emily aside again and gives her the group date rose.

2-on-1 date: Ashley S vs. Ashley H! When they learn it's them, when the group date card arrives, they both starting crying cause they're house BFFs. The trio go to see Viva Elvis Cirque du Soleil for a complete replicate of last season's Lion King musical date. Again, no fucking original ideas for a date. They do a "chemistry test" by practicing dance moves, flying on high wires, and ultimately Brad's wire dance and dinner decides who stays and performs with him that night and leaves. In the shortest dinner ever, Brad dumps Ashley S and keeps Ashley H the crazy dentist. As Ashley S bawls in her exit interview, Brad and Ashley the dentist perform in the Elvis show that none of us give two turds about.

Brad calls his therapist the next day to talk about how all these bitches be cryin' a lot. The therapist tells him to be strong, trust himself, and open up. Blah, I wasn't listening because if I wanted to watch a dull therapy scene I'd rent The Sopranos.

Cocktail party: Brad asks Chantal to stop giving him crap, Brad realizes he gives Emily too much attention, and Alli gets some special attention with champagne and a dessert. Michelle gets her alone time, slams the door shut, sits on Brad's lap, bosses him around, and kisses him. Good thing Brad was wearing a black suit that made some shadows or I bet we would've heard a boner alert alarm. Chris Harrison pops out of nowhere to ring the glass for the rose ceremony and I'd like to think he's had his own Hangover experience these past few days and was locked on the top of Caesar's Palace, hanging on death's door. In yet another non-surprise, Brad eliminates 2 women whose names we don't even know: Marissa and Lisa. Again, who??

Season Tracking
"Here/not here for the right reasons": 6
Helicopter date count: 2
Super Extreme Stunt date count: 2


Photo Credit: ABC.com