August 30, 2011

Bachelor Pad 2: Baby Makin' Kisses

8/30/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Bachelor Pad - Week 4

Last week we ended on the Jake vs. Kasey elimination cliffhanger. The last rose goes to Kasey meaning that smarmy turd Jake is out, but Kasey isn't much better so isn't it all lose-lose in the end? Jake makes a goodbye speech to mourn the failed plan to get rid of Kasey and encourages those remaining to take out the power couples. He gives one last apology to Vienna and peaces out. Jake isn't sure he'd be willing to do what it takes to win the prize money which is so laughable since he's on Famous Food with Heidi Montag, Danielle Staub, and Ashley Dupres. Good riddance, famewhore.

It's time for the best, skankiest competition yet: second annual Bachelor Pad kissing contest! Kasey doesn't want to upset Vienna, but also thinks the girls are ugly. Vienna is repulsed by the contest. Michelle decides to be a good role model to her daughter and not partake. Ella is GAME. Blake can't wait to kiss Holly and neither can Michael.

Because Holly has been staked out, all the guys give nana kisses to not make Michael irate. Well except Blake who is DTF based on that kiss. But I guess he's down to get it with everybody since he's a smooch machine- tons of tongue which Ella describes as "baby makin' kisses." No one kisses Vienna either but I think that's cause they are all repulsed by her and not Kasey. Ella is the Blake of the women with a big ol' kiss, but Erica Rose is looking for affection and has some injected lips that give her a sloppy advantage. No one wants to kiss Kasey cause his breath stinks. Holly, even if she's not dating Michael, gives him one loving kiss and he is sooo excited. Michael isn't the only one getting a Holly makeout: Holly swallows Blake whole and I know he's digging it. Love triangle! The votes are in and the best kissers, by a landslide vote, are Ella and Blake. And this week the dates are instead romantic one-on-one dates. Oww oww!

Ella's "future is up in the air" when she brings Kirk along on her date. They get a sweet red Lamborghini, which Ella gets to drive and William regrets not being a manwhore to win the challenge. Ella and Kirk share wine in what appears to be the same place Ashley and JP had their first solo date. We hear a little about Ella's kid, Kirk's near death mold experience, and Ella's horrible backstory of abuse and the murder of her mother. Goddamn, this is heavy. It's too bad they are outsiders because I'd love these two to win. Ella gives Kirk the rose and they head outside to discover a hot air balloon in the backyard. Oh like this is SO unusual. They fly high in the sky, sip some champs, and kiss. Aww.

Melissa is so excited that Blake won cause she figures she's going on the date and that they're both going to survive this week. Thing is, Blake doesn't want to send mixed messages (and wants to get freaky with Holly). Blake is in high demand thisweek, so Erica makes her move via sensual massage to get herself onto that date, immunity rose, and get crazy Melissa out. Blake's date card arrives and the house can't wait to see who Blake is taking on the date. Blake chooses Holly for his date, putting a dagger through the hearts of Melissa and Michael. Melissa is livid and I love it! Batshit ca-raaaazy! Melissa goes on an angry tirade, hates Holly, hates Blake, blames Holly, confronts Holly for being a flirt, and goes on a housewide Blake hunt to bitch at him more. Michael takes a more passive approach and mopes in the pool that Holly might be moving on.

Blake and Holly leave the house, burned by the laser beams projecting from crazy Melissa's eyes. They board a private jet and end up at Mammoth for a day on the slopes. Too bad Holly can't ski, snowboard or anything. Neither can I girl. Give me hot chocolate, peppermint schnapps, and the lodge any day. Holly and Blake have a really good time falling, laughing, rolling in the snow, and bonding. In fact, Holly has had so much fun with Blake she realizes she's going to crush Michael's breakdancing heart (he, meanwhile, is staring off a balcony hoping she remembers his love for him). At night, a romantic campfire is setup for them and over wine, Blake asks where Holly and Michael currently stand. Holly was heartbroken for the past few months, is sort of weird with Michael, and doesn't know how they can return to the house. The house where Michael mopes by a fireplace. Blake gives Holly the rose and they choose not to go back to the house but spend the night at Mammoth together making out. Michael shirtlessly mopes and it is so sad to see this guy heartbroken.

Michael is heartbroken and missing Holly. Melissa's yapping on about Blake being a manwhore snake. Holly is guilty for kissing Blake but loved her date with him. I think Holly returning from Mammoth rocking about 11 pearl necklaces is a wonderful detail that makes me laugh like the immature person I am. Love triangle dilemma! Michael tells Holly that she's irreplaceable and has fallen back in love with her. Holly admits her and Blake kissed once and Michael's shocked. Umm you're not officially together? Holly's argument is that Michael said he didn't want to get back together in the house. Now Holly's confused, guilt-ridden, broken, and binging on bagel bites. It's a sad state.

The elimination rules are back to normal tonight because there's no need to rig it for Jake to last another week and Melissa has run her nucking futs course. Ella wants to lead the revolution to take apart Kasey and Vienna and needs 4 votes (it's her, Melissa, and maybe Erica). William is the other guy who's name is in the mix because he's such a non-entity that we forget is even in this game. Kasey does his usually bullying to get the women to vote his way. No one knows how Michael and Holly are voting cause they're frolicking on a backyard picnic, an attempt by Michael to woo Holly back. They are so ruining my Bachelor Pad buzz.

Melissa is the most obvious choice to eliminate of all time. Graham says if Melissa had to be his partner he'd walk out of the house; AMEN! Melissa walks around begging for votes and she is annoying everyone. Graham lies to her and says he voted for Erica and encourages Michael to do the same. She chases after Blake, who runs in quickly to vote. She whines to Kasey, so he lies that he voted for Erica to spare losing his manhood. Michael tells Melissa everyone is voting her her and she goes nutso... of course! She begs some of the guys vote for Erica to try to spare her, just so oblivious to her surroundings. Bitch is crazy, 'nuff said.

At the rose ceremony, William and crazy Melissa are eliminated. As nutso as she was, it's more fun blogging her insanity than the sadness of a crushed engagement. William cries in the limo and loves his new friends. Melissa cries more, cause that's what she does. Blake is pretty much at fault for her demise, but I'll blame her craziness too. Melissa continues to ugly cry in the limo and it's nasty.

August 29, 2011

Serving of the Week

8/29/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served No comments

Name: Hurricane Irene
SERVED: Hurricane Irene, or for my area Tropical Storm Irene, has been a thorn in the side of the east coast the past few days. First, storm coverage interrupted my soaps. SERVED! Don't you realize there is merely a month of All My Children left, Hurricane Irene?! Then, I head to the grocery store after work to get supplies for banana pudding. The place is ransacked! The lines are crazy, there's hardly any bottled water left. SERVED! I am SERVING Hurricane Irene for giving us all a miserable weekend, particularly to all the people that this storm has affected much worse than me. Stupid hurricanes. SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

August 28, 2011

Reality Rundown: Double Eviction Delight

8/28/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Big Brother 13 - Week 7

The sudsy HOH competition begins week 7, with the houseguests carrying liquid soap back across a slippery platform to deliver it to a big ol' orb. Everyone wants to win this HOH, or so they tell us. I guarantee Adam could give a shit about really winning. There's some good falls (Porsche, Adam) and maybe a drowning (Jordan in the foam in that humilitard). Jeff is the steady leader with Porsche and Rachel trailing. It is like this for an incredibly long, boring time with extremely rehearsed sounding diary rooms ("Isn't there a pause button? How do I stop the Jeff machine?") Jeff becomes the first guy all season to win HOH and this now becomes the most obvious nomination week ever. Dani gives Jeff a victory high five inside and despite that final 3-ish discussion last week, Jeff still might get Daniele out of the house this week. Dani really hopes they'll keep up that deal (the won't).

Rachel ass-kisses in case Jeff/Jordan are still annoyed with her. While maybe JeJo are OK with her, the others aren't- especially Shelly? The hate feelings are reciprocated as Rachel is over Shelly. When Jeff gets his HOH room, Rachel lurks around after and everyone knows it's her same old move of buttering up the HOH. Shelly heads back upstairs to confront Rachel and tells Rachel to stop giving her dirty looks and rolling her eyes. Shelly wants to get it all out in the open because she's tired of hearing about what Rachel's said about her from other people, especially since they're all in an alliance together. Big Jeff instructs everyone to bite their tongues and move forward.

There's a lot of food topics tonight. Jordan ravages Jeff's box of Lucky Charms. Shelly eats like an eight year old and has never heard of hummus, avocado, "guac-a-mole," or coconut water. The Have Nots get to chase their slop with jalapenos and hard boiled eggs (mmm hard boiled eggs!) Big Jeff gets the power to select the three Have Nots and makes the most obvious choices again: Porsche and Daniele (who haven't been Have Nots) and Kalia. Gee, the three not in your alliance- shocking, Jeff! Some birthday gift, huh Dani?!

Kalia is well-aware that she'll be on the block this week so tries to make a move to help her odds. Kalia thinks Jeff should nominate Rachel because she was quick to throw him and Jordan under the bus the past 3 weeks. Jeff's not surprised and almost annoyed by this, but his nominating Kalia is sort of pay-back for the stupid move she made weeks ago. Later, Jeff tells Dani that she's good and brings up what happens if she wins the veto. Dani says she'll throw the veto because if not, she'd be expected to take Kalia or Porsche off the block, but is very aware Jeff may backdoor her. Porsche makes her mediocre plea to stick around which is to win one competition and she offers Jeff safety next week if exchange for hers. FYI, this is day 49 and she's never talked game to Jeff before. Desperation in the air!

Jeff and Jordan wonder if Dani would throw the veto (doubt it), but wonder if perhaps this could be the week to get rid of her. It would be a huge move in the game to take out the biggest gameplayer in the house. To keep Daniele at ease and to make her think different, Big Jeff nominates Kalia and Porsche for elimination. Jeff wants those to two to step up to the plate and if they do, well then the opportunity could arise to backdoor Dani.

With Kalia and Porsche on the block, one of them could be going home or Dani could get sent home in a via backdooring. Kalia makes a good point which is that if Dani wins the veto she'd be safe and could take Kalia off the block. Could be huge for their alliance. Adam is just surprised Jeff didn't nominate Dani, but Jeff makes some cryptic comments about having plans. Rachel, looking particularly hideous this week, starts badgering Daniele about turning 25. Rachel keeps pestering Dani, who keeps dodging her to avoid the annoyance. Don't worry, you won't have to be around Rachel much longer, Dani!

Dani has the veto ticket so she automatically gets to play veto along with 6 others (only person not playing: Rachel). BUT FIRST, Jordan strips out of her unitard all the way to see her... in a sports bra yoga top, and yoga pants. SCANDALOUS!!

BUT THEN, out from the Diary Room comes my favorite houseguest ever: ZINGBOT 3000. Adam wonders what dirt he has on him and I hope it's that Adam is a dull fucking houseguest. Highlights of my showmance the Zingbot:
  • "Hey Jeff, 1995 called- they want their soul patch back. Ziiiiiiing!"
  • "Porsche, shouldn't you be named after a car with a roomier trunk? Ziiiiiiing!" (haha fatass joke!)
  • "Rachel, everyone other word out of your mouth is the 'f' word- fiance, fiance. Z-z-z-z-Ziiiiiiing!"
  • "Daniele, do you own a car? Or do you still prefer to just ride your daddy's coattails? Ziiiiiiing! DOUBLE ZZZZZZING"
  • "Adam, good job shaving your beard. I don't think your girlfriend realized she was dating Uncle Fester. Ziiiiiiing!"
  • "Shelly, what do you call someone who likes to smoke, hunt, and a fish? A DUDE. Ziiiiiiing!"
  • "Kalia, you write a sex blog but you seem to be an expert on the thing done after sex- like sleeping. Ziiiiiiing!"
  • "Hey Jordan! The only reason Jeff hasn't proposed yet is because he knows you're terrible at answering questions. Ziiiiiiing!" (FYI, she doesn't understand)

The Zingbot related veto competition is to assemble a puzzle to create Zingbot a lady friend to verbally abuse. No surprise, Adam throws the competition. Jeff wants to win the veto so this week is completely in his hands. Then in the Diary Room all the houseguests make the worst attempts at Zingbot jokes ever (like Adam referring to Kalia's vibrator- ew). What a miserable group. Jeff is the first to construct Zingbot's bride and wins the veto. Jeff quotes Spiderman to explain the power he now holds this week. Oy.

Kalia is sure she's the target and worries Jeff's next move is to take Porsche off the block and nominate Daniele. Jeff's lips are sealed regarding his plans so no one can get into his head, spread it around, etc. Dani mopes over her slop that she didn't win the veto, might go home- waaaah. Porsche approaches Jeff to strike up some sort of deal, making it the second time she's ever talked game to Jeff. Kalia kisses more ass and does that same schpiel about during her HOH reign she knew Jeff would win veto- gahh. Kalia assures Jeff she will always keep her word to Jordan not to nominate her but doesn't want to go out of the game before people who have done nothing. Dani and Jeff talk and Dani thinks Jeff should get rid of Porsche and then Dani/Jeff/Jordan could make a final 3 deal and she tries to remind him she's kept her word to him twice previously and gives Jeff her word.

Big Jeff is going to make some "big moves" to "rock the house." Jeff chooses to use the power of veto to take Porsche off the block in a strategic move. Big Jeff's replacement nominee is Daniele, showing that Jeff is ready to take out a snake in the house. Happy Birthday Daniele!!

Double eviction night! BUT FIRST, we have to watch what transpired in the house since Daniele's nomination. Dani is going to campaign to stay and Big Jeff hopes none of his alliances flips on him. With Porsche a sure-fire vote to keep her, Dani works on the rest of the house. Dani makes a good point to Shelly which is that Jeff/Jordan/Rachel are pretty much a guaranteed final 3 together and makes a bold declaration to Shelly: she will never nominate her on her grandmother's life. Yowzer! Shelly loves Jeff/Jordan, but also wants to win the game. Shelly tries to sway Adam's vote to keep Daniele but he's not as receptive, since he's a veteran ass-kisser. Knowing that Adam is a lost cause, Shelly really gets desperate: she approaches Rachel. Shelly tells Rachel that Jeff threw the cornhole HOH, which led to Brendon's eviction. Rachel and Dani meet in the Have Not room and Rachel seems receptive to the idea of teaming with Dani and Porsche while still keeping Dani around as a target for Jeff. Holy moly, shit be goin' downnn in the Big Brother house.

Julie, back to her sleeveless self, and announces that not one but two people will join Brendon in the jury. She also told use beforehand that the reason Jeff is super pissed is because Shelly flipped sides. Dani's speech is a tirade that points out everyone is just sitting around this summer to give Jeff and Jordan paychecks which is kinda true. Unfortunately, all that lead up is for nothing: Rachel does not swap sides and Daniele is evicted in a 3-2 vote. Dani doesn't regret her dumb moves and said she came to play a game and the others didn't. Rachel gives Dani a scathing goodbye message video calling her a bitch and saying she's not half the player her dad was. ZIIIIIING.

The winner of the HOH competition has to immediately nominate two players for eviction. The competition is a before/after trivia competition. The new HOH is.... Kalia! Oh how the tides have turned! Kalia, Shelly, and Porsche quickly convene to make their decision of who to nominate. Since Kalia has spent all season babbling about how she'd never nominate Jordan, it's not surprising that her nominees for eviction are Jeff and Rachel. Porsche wins the veto competition which is to search through a ballpit for giant yellow clownshoes. Porsche leaves the nominations as-is so the night moves on. Shelly and Porsche vote to evict Jeff, Jordan and Adam vote to evict Rachel. Because there's a tie, HOH Kalia must make the big decision of who is eliminated. Kalia casts her vote and evicts Jeff. Holy shit- the game is on!

August 23, 2011

Bachelor Pad 2: Bret Michaels Knows A Thing or Two About Failed Reality TV Love

8/23/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Bachelor Pad - Week 3

The house is reveling in Ames and Jackie's romantic send-off, except Melissa who drunkenly slams kitchen cabinets in a Blake-rage. Melissa is mad Blake played her and feels a third wheel to Blake and Holly, but also thinks Blake should always pay attention to her. Melissa tells this to Holly who brushes it off because she says she flirts with everyone ("it's my nature!"). Blake really did a doozy picking a partner.

The house goes out to the pool for their challenge where they're treated to some synchronized swimming. Everyone has to learn and perform a synchronized swimming routine to perform in front of a panel; the men and women will both perform as groups. There are flowered bathing caps, boobs with flowers sewn on, and bright-colored speedos. The judges are a professional judge and then Bachelor Pad 1 winners Dave and Natalie, and I was hoping for more crunkness but them legitimately judging is more humorous. Erica can't swim and only lays out at pools, so she never goes under water or does any moves. It's pretty hilarious especially since Erica's lack of swimming isn't even the worst part; what a disaster! Jake humblebrags about his skills due to his time being a shithead on Dancing with the Stars. I guess he's workin' with something since Holly points out his big speedo bulge. Michael Stagliano, who I have always loved, is the the star with his sweet moves and great personality. The best guy and girl get their immunity rose and those winners are Mike and Michelle (due to her "dazzle razzle" according to the professional judge).

Michelle takes hot-ass Graham, Kasey, and Blake on her date, a little roadtrip to a vineyard. A table is set on a hillside with the most amazing view and of course with tons of wine. Crunkfest! Michelle takes Blake side first for alone time to relay that he's in trouble for being a playa with Melissa. Michelle tells Blake he needs to fix it, not necessarily by re-seducing but making it good again; yep, no rose for Blake! Later, Michelle takes Graham for alone time of a whole different persuasion. Michelle has a crush on Graham and didn't expect a hook-up here; Michelle is interested in him but also wants the timing to be right since he may not be over his totally hot soapstar goddess of an ex. They end up in a super-tonguey kiss which leads to Graham getting the rose.

Michael's date card is brought into the house by his ex-fiance Holly, who hopes she doesn't get again. Tough shit Holly, you're picked! Michael takes Vienna, Ella and Holly on his horseback riding date. Vienna whines that she has to wear a helmet so here's my hoping she rejects the headgear and gets bucked by the horse. The horse-riding ends with a picnic lunch and more awkward Holly and Michael time. They have weird alone time and then Michael has to pick one girl to keep on the date (and give a rose), sending the other two away via horses and- shocker!- he picks Holly. I wish Michael and Holly would stop winning dates so we'd be able to skip these uncomfortable dates where Michael is super happy and Holly is gagging to get away. HOWEVER, this week will be the one exception because Bret Michaels, king of finding fake love on basic cable, sings "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" to Holly and Michael ALONE IN A TRAILER (ok tour bus, but trailer is funnier). At least Bret acknowledges this is extremely weird to serenade a broken up couple in a bus.

Jake sees himself as a dead man walking and knows he needs to get some girls on his side: he starts with wacky Erica. They get touchy flirty and it's gross. Jake tries to start an uprising with the uncool people in the house to get Kasey out of this game. Jake needs to work more on all the girls in the house and just not the one girl at the bottom rung (Erica). To really make sure he has Erica on-board he gives her a big ol' sloppy smooch. Excuse me, I just puked my vanilla ice cream all over my laptop.

Kasey will make sure Jake doesn't stick around but is worried Vienna not being a total bitch to him will ruin those chances. When Kasey asks why she's being so cordial and talking to him she starts crying and whining again. Then they cry in a supply closet or something; they are overdramatic fame whores and really make me want to retire the word "protect" from my lexicon. Either way, Kasey and Vienna are running the game and no one will stand up to them so it's time to celebrate. Kasey gives Vienna a promise ring to express how much he loves her. Oh I puked again. Vienna is like "Oh don't let it be an engagement ring!", killing the moment. Vienna happily accepts this promise ring on their anniversary and Kasey caps it off with his terrible singing. I'm not even kidding and yes, Vienna is laughing in his face too.

Blake makes nice with Melissa with french toast offerings and a fake apology to cover his ass. Blake's not really sure he wants an in-house romance but Melissa's thing is more that he was flirting with Holly all the time. They agree to partner up again since Blake will do just about anything to last in the game. Blake is actually in better shape than Melissa, who is definitely one of the women that could go home along with Erica. When spied talking game with Jake (and Erica is doing the spying), it doesn't look good for Melissa's chances of survival in the game. Melissa tries to take game with Michael and Erica again lays on the ground to spy on her, overhearing that she (Erica) has been spreading rumors that Melissa is working with Jake. Melissa confronts Erica and wants to bring out Jake, but instead Melissa is coming off like the crazy chick she was portrayed as on her season. Melissa runs inside and cries about Erica being a liar. Ca-raaaaazy!

At the cocktail party, Blake informs Melissa he'll remain partners with her but as friends only- not showmance. Melissa runs off sobbing into the arms of Jake, who will take any leftovers that might keep him in the game. Melissa wants to quit Gia-style, but Jake begs her to stay (because he wants her vote- selfish prick).

Chris Harrison goes to kick off the cocktail party to change the rules again. This week, all the ladies are safe and one man will be voted off; the guys and gals will vote for the man they want eliminated. The rules may have been changed last week for his benefit, but Jake is a goner. Seven is the majority and with lines drawn, Kirk is the swing vote to eliminate either Kasey or Jake. Because Melissa is crazy, Erica needs to talk her down and get her to vote off Kasey and not waste a vote on Blake.

Kasey is confident Jake is going home and thanks his alliance for supporting him mentally and physically. Uhhhh... you're welcome? Word starts to get out that the losery folks might be starting a revolution so Kasey goes to confront the women, particularly Erica who I guess is friends with Kasey outside the house? He should be careful: Erica is carrying a crystal gavel of justice.

Jake and Kasey have an outside man-talk since Jake is aware the votes will fall between the two of them. They shake hands. It's not a very epic showdown, but the votes are so close. The show ends with Chris Harrison saying, "Kasey." And then CREDITS! And by credits I mean, the Phantom of the Bachelor Pad house, Jeff and his mask, do synchronized swimming in the pool late at night.

August 22, 2011

Serving of the Week

8/22/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served No comments

Name: Gerard Depardieu
SERVED: There is nothing worse than waiting on the tarmac for your plane to take off. You can't listen to your iPod, can't walk around, can't get up to go to the bathroom. French actor Gerard Depardieu wasn't taking the "no bathroom" thing week.

Depardieu was on a delayed flight from Paris to Dublin and needed to use the restroom. Because you can't get up while trafficking, the flight attendant told him no. Well no isn't something you tell the star of My Father, The Hero and Depardieu whipped it out and peed in the aisle. SERVED. C'mon, that is disgusting and while humorous just sooo gross. If they tell you no and you have to go, why not just run down the aisle to the bathroom and not just pee in the aisle? There's different stories now like he's drunk, he has a bladder problem. I don't know but peeing in an aisle is just nasty. SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

August 21, 2011

Reality Rundown: Bookie Gets Booted Again

8/21/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Big Brother - Week 6

Brendon is back in the house, meaning we have to suffer through more Brenchel house bullshit. The vets + Shelly and Adam have a cheer circle like lame-os and plan to evict Kalia, Daniele, and Porsche easily. Opposite occurrence foreshadowing alert! Rachel fills Brendon in on what happened last week, like being "bullied" by Dani and Kalia. However, the interesting tidbit is Rachel overhead Shelly confirming a final 3 deal with Jeff and Jordan, meaning Rachel is on the outs with the group. While some are excited (Jeff, Jordan, Shelly, Adam), Daniele's bummed because her week of HOH was wasted and wiped out by the twist. Kalia heads into the diary room to lament America's shitty vote and her wasted week.

The HOH competition is held this episode, since we ended the previous episode getting stuck with Brendon. The backyard is filled giant shapes of the states the houseguests are from and then giant displays of a lot of crap: counting game! In each round, the houseguests will need to guess how many are that item there are and the furthest away will be eliminated each round until there's a winner. Minus Porsche, the whole house is saying "Anyone but Dani needs to win." Items to count: Mardi Gras beads hanging on a tree, pepperonis on big ass pizzas, giant martini glass filled with olives, playing cards, baseballs in glove chairs, rivets on an airplane propeller, and gold coins in a treasure chest. Things are not going the vets+2s way as round by round they keep getting eliminated. The final 2 are Dani and Porsche which is what the house calls "Sheeeeeit." Dani wins HOH and I am looking forward to the house freaking out at her reign of power again.

Dani, Kalia and Porsche rejoice and Dani and Kalia see that Shelly is a snake and cannot be trusted; Dani, Kalia and Porsche are a solid 3, while Shelly and Adam are obviously floating around to the power. Rachel and Brendon convene and figure that the deal from last week might hold up and another deal could be on the horizon. Rachel's hope is not only to be safe but to get Shelly nominated too. Adam heads up to HOH to do damage control since his allegiances are pretty obvious at this point, but as Dani sees it: if he's not with me he's against me.

Shelly asks Daniele if she's frustrated with her, which she admits kinda yes considering that she was supposedly on their side but so excited when Brendon returned. Shelly is really trying to cover her ass, playing the "I don't feel as cool" card which is the dumbest card to play. Shelly requests Kalia leave the HOH room, and Kalia complies, and Shelly tells Daniele she'd like to play the game with her. Smoooooooch. That's Shelly kissing ass hardcore. Kalia and Porsche discuss Shelly's lying and Shelly tells Porsche to talk shit to her face, not behind her back. Porsche is aware of several deals Shelly has (flashback to a clip of her proposing a final 3 deal with Brenchel 11 days prior), but Shelly is baffled by the accusations.

Brenchel make their plead with Dani to stay in the game and an interesting idea: team up as the 3 of them but pretend they still hate each other. Dani is unsure about trusting them but Brenchel really seem to be down with this deal and point out the floaters are going to make it to the end while the strong battle each other. Rachel explains that if she took the deal, four people wouldn't nominate her next week and Shelly could be nominated with Adam as a pawn, especially since Shelly has that final three deal with Jeff/Jordan.

At the nomination ceremony, it seems the Brenchel offer may have impacted Daniele's decision. Up for elimination are Adam and Shelly, but the speech potentially implies a backdooring of Brendon.

Adam is not psyched to be a three-time nominee, Shelly is pissed at Rachel's lies, and Rachel is ecstatic her and Brendon avoided the block. Dani is happy with her nominations because either she takes out Shelly or backdoors Brendon; it's a good move for her either way. Until the veto competition is over, Dani just has to keep lying to everyone about what her intentions are.

Shelly is mad that Porsche was telling the house that there was a final 3 deal with Brenchel. There was no deal though, so they pull Porsche in to see where the lies started, which Shelly attributes to Rachel. Porsche explains that Rachel told her Shelly tried to make a deal but that Rachel declined and brings up that Shelly mentioned voting out Jordan. Shelly is pissed that Rachel would bring Shelly and Jordan's friendship into these lies. Who do we believe? Neither, they're both liars! Shelly hates this house and the lies in it and cries to JeJo about how much she loves them.

Daniele, Adam, Shelly, Jordan, Kalia, and Jeff play in the Power of Veto competition; looks like a Brenchel backdoor is a-comin'! Dressed in some overalls and bandanas, the veto competition is to shoot a beanbag into the rotating wheel; it's like Wheel of Fortune meets cornhole. Everyone's a winner in this game because as you're eliminated with a high score you select a prize (or a punishment if you have horrible luck). Shelly is knocked out first and her bin contains the veto, which means everyone will take it away. Jordan pulls 24 hour solitary confinement BUT gets a phone call home; she wants to keep it but gives it to Shelly so that she can talk to her daughter. Kalia wins a Caribbean vacation while doing her best Oprah shout. Dani wins a Veto Ticket guaranteeing that she'll get to play in next week's veto competition. Jeff throws the veto to Adam and wins $5,000 ($15,000 cash prizes now- nice Jeff!) Adam pulls the "humilitard" and obviously trades it with Jordan to get the veto.

Shelly gets 24 hours of confinement in the Have Not room with bread, water, slop, and a toilet in the corner. Shelly could careless about the minor torture since she gets to talk to her family at long last. It's a nice moment and something Shelly really needed since all she does is talk about her family. It's a cryfest, but at least this one makes sense.

Oh and that humilitard? A kelly green unitard accessorized with a tutu, spinning dunce's cap, pigtails, and iron-on letters reading "I'M WITH STUPID" on the front and "KICK ME" on the back. Thank god we didn't have to see Adam wear this all week.

Brenchel head to the storage room to lament their situation. Rachel wants to go on the block, Brendon doesn't want her to. Same drama, different week. Dani's move is most definitely to backdoor Brendon, explaining it's stupid to send a person home, have them return, and then not dump them again. Jeff would prefer Rachel leaving cause she's super annoying, but he'll do whatever to keep him and Jordan safe. Brenchel ask Daniele straight up if she has a deal with Jeff and then propose backdooring one of them.

At the Power of Veto ceremony, Adam takes himself off the block because he's not stupid. Dani makes a funny speech where she explains this season's twist is that there's a zombie that will not die and names Brendon as the replacement nominee.

Brendon is confident he'll stay, Shelly's confident she'll stay, and Rachel whines and cries. Same shit as usual! Shelly is going to play calm and cool to try to keep things steady and not rock the boat, but Brendon is going to fight to stay. Brendon first campaigns to Adam, explaining Brenchel are a far bigger target than he is. Like Adam is a target- ha! Rachel tries to play the former bestie card with Porsche and says Shelly wants to nominate Porsche should she win HOH. Porsche doesn't want to give a sympathy vote again because last time it didn't benefit her and made her a house outcast. Even Jeff/Jordan are worrying that maybe Shelly's super-floating might get them screwed. Shelly's daughter even agrees she's gotta stop lying- haha, awesome.

Daniele tries to appeal to Jeff and Jordan that they are not her targets. Dani tells Jeff/Jordan what they need to hear and probably them vice versa. There's sort of a deal made to protect each other but keep up the distance. This could be a huge vet reunion or just all a usual Big Brother ruse.

Rachel and Brendon hope that Jeff/Jordan would be upfront with them and let them know how their votes would lay. Jordan agrees but says that they can't go against the house majority this week or they'll be making enemies. Rachel gets pissy, offfffff course. Jeff doesn't appreciate the way Brendon and Rachel interrogated Jordan, so he heads outside to take care of biz. Jeff confirms what Jordan said; they aren't going against the majority and they also aren't the deciding vote, Adam is. Jeff said even the pity votes won't make a difference and they aren't making enemies. Jeff is also tired of Rachel's kindergarten attitude and gets pissed at her, which in turn pisses of Brendon. Please Brenchel, go away.

Voting time! Shelly gives a nice speech about the friendship and bonds. Brendon thanks UCLA, America for voting him back him (not America, just some mis-informed losers), and vows his vote on the jury will go to a competitor not a floater. In a 5-1 obvious vote, Brendon is evicted for the second time and is the first member of the jury. Brendon hopes Rachel wins HOH or rides the middle and sticks with Jeff, Jordan and Daniele to last longer.

It's yet another HOH cliffhanger with sort of an endurance competition. The HGs have to full a cup with liquid soap and cross to the other side to fill a bowl to remove a ping pong ball. Same challenge as every other season, just more soapy and slippery.

Next week: double eviction fast forward episode!

Charity of the Month for August 2011: Birthday Wishes

8/21/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served No comments
August has been a busy month but amongst other things, August is my birthday! Yes, I celebrated another year on this planet and decided this month I'd so a charity that someone informed me of last year and ever since I've been obsessed with.

For my birthday last year my friend Stephanie handed me a card and inside it mentioned a donation was made in my name to Birthday Wishes, a charity that provides birthday parties to homeless children. I got so verklempt! This charity is something so different, yet something I found so amazing and beautiful. No matter what state you're in, we all deserve a birthday. Birthday Wishes is currently a Massachusetts charity that goes to homeless shelters all around the area and throw birthday parties for the children there. Along with monetary donations, you can also bring by items like cake mixes, juice boxes, craft projects, gifts, etc. I love the goal of this organization and while I celebrate my birthday, I'm in turn giving a donation to Birthday Wishes so that another less fortunate child can celebrate their special day as well.

August 17, 2011

Reality Rundown: Who Loves Sandwiches?

8/17/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Finale! Food Network Star - The final three are all amped to make their pilots but a twist comes: only two of them will make pilots. The chefs have one last camera challenge to make the best dish of their life; loser leaves. Jeff's sandwich is a deconstructed eggplant parmesan. The selection committee loves the sandwich and call it one of Jeff's best yet. Susie makes slow cooked pork in LARD. G-R-O-S-S. She presents it well, as Susie always lights up when she tells family stories; the carnitas were flavorful and the margarita doesn't hurt either- get crunk! Vic makes an Italian seven fish dish and tells his story of Christmas Eve stories and makes sure to tell his family stories more than food ones, which Bobby says he needed. The selection committee deliberates the pros of the remaining three before making a final two decision: Susie and Jeff will film pilots and Vic Mo aka Vic Vegas is out. Vic isn't upset at all and realizes this process help him find the real him.

Jeff and Susie head to the Food Network's studios to film their pilots by the most amazing director of all time: Guy Fieri. Guy is super annoying but he is really the only true star this series has produced, so it makes sense. Along with the selection committee seeing their pilots, focus groups will also view the pilots and provide feedback. Jeff overuses the catchphrase "Boom!" and even Guy is like, "THAT'S annoying." Jeff shakes off his "crutch word" and nails the pilot. Susie's mouth is going faster than her brain, so gets her pep talk and then, whaddayaknow, knocks it out of he park! So if you're keeping track, it's the same old thing they do every finale: start out terrible and then end on a high note.

Last evaluation everrr and someone is going to get a show. Jeff and Susie enter the studio and face Bob, Susie, Giada, and Bobby one last time. Turns out the focus group is not impartial strangers but the eliminated finalists. I'm sure Penny will be totally kind-spirited! Susie's pilot is called "Spice It Up!" and it's full of family stories and energy. The focus group gives their feedback, which includes Penny claiming Susie isn't engaging (BS). The rest of the focus group really enjoys Susie's personality and show. Jeff's pilot "Sandwich King" has good information and the humor we've come to enjoy from him. The focus group is split: Vic and Penny see him as a star, while some other dude whose name I forget thinks it's too schticky. The selection committee provides their feedback too. Susie is radiant, infectious, cooks with soul, and tells beautiful stories when she cooks. Jeff really knows how to make a sandwich, has a big personality, would appeal to either gender, humorous, and has a very unique culinary perspective. So who is the winner of their own show? Jeff the Sandwich King!

August 16, 2011

Bachelor Pad 2: Not Feeling Such Egg-cellent Self Esteem

8/16/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Bachelor Pad - Week 2

The challenge this week cost the show $50, probably because they maxed out the budget last week for the sexual harnesses. The guys will be blind-folded and face backwards with targets painted on their backs. The women will be asked "personal" questions anonymously and throw a paint filled egg at the man they think the correct answer is. In other words, hit Jake with a shitload of eggs until he cries. They have to hit the target in order to get the point and the egg must break. Just to make sure women feel extreme pain too, they will switch spots and get eggs chucked at their fragile lady bodies.

I thought the questions would be trivia, but they are more self-esteem busters like, "Who are you least attracted to?", "Who least deserves the $250,000?" and "Who do you want to see go home this week?" Kasey can't believe he got hit with the unattractive egg since he's dating "the most attractive girl in the house" to which America holds back the loudest laugh break of all time. In case you were wondering who gets pummeled the most, it's hand's down Jake for the "Who do you want to go home this week?" Jake is hurt physically and emotionally and realizes Vienna has more influence than he'd like. Jackie and Melissa are tied for the lead so they have a "Who is the dumbest?" tie-breaker: Jackie misses William and Melissa hits Grant for the win. Expect a crazy person date.

The women in their little white bikinis put on their blind-folds and assume the position. Question 1: "Which of these woman is most likely to cheat on you if dating?" Jake aims right for Vienna, who cheated on her with at least 3 dudes; awesome revelation! Second question is "Who do you want to go home this week?" and it's an overwhelming egg-fest at Erica. They can't handle her glamorous style. But don't worry, the "Who are you least attracted to?" question pops up for the men and poor Erica gets even more paint eggs. I think the emotional angle hurts more than the actual eggs. Let's point out that Michael, the winner, is a huge dick for throwing overhand and whipping Erica. Underhand you shithead. Erica holds the tears back under the blindfold which is like the saddest scene ever. Erica feels like her being curvy and natural makes her seem ugly and I almost wanted to tweet her a sorry message until she starts saying Ella is chubby and ugly and now she'll feel better about herself. Aww you blew it.

Men's winner Michael gets an immunity rose and also gets to take a lady on a one-on-one date. This gives Michael time to reflect back on his failed engagement to Holly, which obviously means he'll bring Holly along on his date. He has to bring three women so Michael also chooses Erica, a mercy offering for her earlier humiliation, and Michelle. The date is a visit to Linda Vista, a haunted hospital that coincidentally Michael and Holly read a book about. They're given a videocamera and a flashlight and off they go to get felt up by ghosts. They all freak out, scream, and cling to Michael for dear life. Michael and Erica even "find hospital records" and try to channel his ghost. Michael gives his immunity rose to Holly and have their alone time chat. The ghosts have set up a romantic rooftop setting for Michael to spill his guts about how he wants to always be around her. It's a "what happened to us?" cryfest about missing each other, etc but Holly seems to think they've always been in the best friend zone. Michael still loves Holly and the prize money doesn't matter compared to that. This date isn't skanky enough for my Bachelor Pad taste.

Melissa brings Kirk, Kasey, and Blake and before the date even starts makes a deal with Kasey to give him the rose in exchange for safety next week. The date itself is drinking a bunch of a boat. Blake is playing the game hardcore, flirting with Melissa to get ahead. My favorite moment is when Melissa says, "This is what it feels like to be Bachelorette and I like this." That's about as close as she'll be to a show lead. Blake is aware that Kasey will likely get the rose so he brings Melissa to a bedroom and kisses her into a rose. Blake doesn't like being a prostitute (no seriously, he uses that word) but it's a game and he wants to win. Blake's plan works and he gets the rose, leaving Kasey an unhappy dude. Kasey and Kirk are escorted to a dinghy and Melissa and Blake get the boat and booze all to themselves. The booze helps Blake keep up his make-out sessions with Melissa, who is so into him while he's into cash.

In the house, Vienna continues her master plan of making everyone hate Jake to get rid of him. Jake, desperate to stay in the game and fix his bum rep, heads to the cross-eyed devil herself for help. Vienna refuses to talk to Jake without Kasey present, leading Jake to walk away head-down Peanuts style. Gia tries to be a peacemaker but it doesn't help much, so her next move is to try and get Vienna and Kasey eliminated. Gia approaches Graham about the plan to eliminate a power couple, but Grant is aligned with that super-hot couple. Graham tells Gia that she might not be as big of a target as she thinks, which has got to be some foreshadowing.

Fresh off their dates with other people, Holly and Blake are really hitting it off and getting flirty. Melissa is confident Blake has feels for her and he allegedly said their feelings are "serendipitous" which is, c'mon, the most obvious drunken word used ever. Melissa stalks him around the house and interrupts his time with Holly, the threesome he doesn't really want. It is awk-waaaard and Melissa begins to wonder if Blake can be trusted (DUH). Blake begins to see what everyone else said about her: Melissa is nucking futs.

Everyone not in a couple feels in jeopardy this week. Jake asks Vienna and Kasey to spare him and give him another week in the game, begging to stay. It becomes an argument of why didn't Jake try to make amends before the cameras were around, so clearly what Kasey and Vienna say is gospel and no one can change their minds. They seriously get off on making Jake squirm. They're so going to do it tonight. Kasey looks into the camera and makes his lame-ass shield and tattoo pump and informs us "It's guard and protect time." I can't stop laughing.

Chris Harrison comes out to gauge the house feelings before elimination and, whaddayaknow, the whole house feels awkward being around Jake, Vienna, and Kasey's nonstop drama. Vienna whines it's hard being in the house with an ex-fiance and Holly's like, "HAHA over here, bitch!" Vienna feels that ABC exploited their break-up once already and they didn't need to do this a second time. Chris gets pissy and says you're not forced to be here so if you're unhappy, GTFO. Two people will go home, but since the show is totally fixed, it's announced two women will go home and all the men will be safe. Jake survives another week, what a coincidence!!! Everyone in the house (rather than just guys) will vote for a woman and the two women with the most votes go home; only Holly and Melissa are immune since they have roses. Vienna whines more and Kasey asks if she wants to leave, but she won't let Jake win so she stays.

Gia gets mad that Michelle tells Jake he should probably just quit before they vote him off. Gia is then caught by Kasey who knows she was working to get him eliminated since Graham immediately tattled. Gia can't believe Graham would throw her under the bus since they're friends and she starts crying that she thought she could win and Kasey's like, "Well you gave it your best shot!" HA! Gia runs off to give Graham a piece of her mind, Graham tries to deny, but tells us viewers that he did tell Kasey but he didn't think Kasey would blab it right to Gia. She cries a whole lot more and I'm just wondering what the fuck she expected considering she was on this show last season too? Are you stupid? Gia ditches the cocktail attire for her jeans and leather jacket and peaces out of the game, sobbing in her van-ride home about no one getting the satisfaction of voting her out.

Only one woman has to get voted out now, so the women set their sights on voting of single mom Ella. The only other woman up for consideration would be Jackie, who is paired with Ames and is considered less of a threat. Ella is on this show for the money and pleads her case to the guys to keep her around, particularly Kirk who also needs the money to pay off his medical bills. Kirk relays this news to Michael and Graham, who love this idea and move onto the next part of this plan: get king and queen Kasey and Vienna to eliminate Jackie. Ames has also made a deal with Kasey to protect Ames and Jackie this week. Michael explains that elimination Ella would mean losing Kirk's trust, but Kasey isn't sure if he wants to go back on his word to Ames. But Kasey does want to win the money a lot, so he lies to Ames and Jackie's faces and votes for Jackie to go home.

Jackie and Ames bask in their newfound love while Melissa scowls with a glass of wine at the sight of Blake and Holly flirting. Melissa is pissed and calls out Blake for being a player, saying the house notices it too. Melissa gets whisper-rage to the other girls and Blake approaches Melissa to have a real conversation. Blake is starting to reeeeeally regret his partner choice. Crazy Melissa is also the tie-breaker between Ella and Jackie being eliminated so we'll see how her fragile mental state affects this one.

Rose ceremony. All the men are safe thanks to the twist to keep Jake around another week, so only the ladies are picking up their roses. It comes down to Ella and Jackie, obviously, but the woman going home is... Jackie. Ames gets that weird surprised face he gets, like when he got dumped by Ashley but couldn't understand it. Ames walks Jackie to her limo for a goodbye kiss and hug and as the limo drives away, Ames and his red khakis (seriously, guy?) decides that the game isn't worth it. He does a two-hand way to the guys and runs off to the limo to be with Jackie. Oh they're going to last forever!

August 15, 2011

Serving of the Week

8/15/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments

Name: Lawon, Big Brother 13
SERVED: Lawon is going to look back on this past week forever and say, "I made a huge mistake." With a twist looming in the air that the evicted houseguest might have a chance to re-enter the game, Lawon stupidly volunteered to go on the block thinking he'd easily return to the Big Brother house with a game-changing power. He was wrong.

Instead, Lawon got unanimously evicted and wasn't getting back into the house easily. He actually had to compete against evicted houseguest Brendon and well, guess who got SERVED? Oh Lawon, this has to go down as one of the top five dumbest moves in Big Brother history. SERVED.

Think someone should get SERVED? Leave your ideas in the comments section, email me, or hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.

August 14, 2011

Reality Rundown: This Twist Sucks

8/14/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Big Brother - Week 5

Finally a newbie is in control of the game, as Kalia is the new HOH and the majority of the house is not pleased. Rachel hates Kalia and knows the feeling is mutual so expects to go home. "Big Jeff" has the same feeling since him and Kalia have had some issues, but he's also mad at Porsche for getting him knocked out in trivia up against Shelly. Rachel cries a whole lot more so Porsche and Jordan comfort her. When Porsche leaves, the 3 vets shit-talk Porsche and deem her untrustworthy.

Kalia gets her HOH room which leads to her sobbing, Shelly sobbing about family in the Diary Room- just too many tears. Dani gives Kalia some advice of what's to come as HOH (a lot of ass-kissing, deal cutting, and wanting to know who the target is). Rachel kisses major ass saying she's excited for Kalia to win HOH and offers a week of safety next week if she (Rachel) is saved this week. Kalia laughs, "Oh humble pie, it tastes good doesn't it homegirl?" and I am holding back the eating jokes here, people. In discussion with Daniele, Kalia discusses putting up Rachel and Jeff with Rachel as the target. Kalia wants to tell Jeff this plan as well so that he doesn't get too pissed at her.

The backyard is set up like a 50's lounge for the food competition, which is to identify 3 ingredients mixed with milk in a "delicious" smoothie against an opponent. If there's a tie, then there's a chug-off which is just enough to make them, and viewers, gag. Rachel, Jeff, Jordan, and Shelly are the blue team and Lawon, Dani, Porsche, and Adam are the red team; for some reason both teams have on hipster glasses. These drinks are truly repulsive: creamed corn/corned beef/potato chips, applesauce/scrambled eggs/gorgonzola cheese. Nightmares, for real. Jordan practically cries in the Diary Room at how bad Shelly performed, ignoring St. Jeff's [correct] advice to guess canned yams. The red team wins thanks to Dani's chugging skills, making them the haves and kicking the vets in the balls more. Jordan cries. Along with slop, the have nots get to have coconuts and cat fish and that's not bad cause cat fish is super good. So stop crying, fucking whiner Jordan.

Jordan's cryfest extends past the competition and into a rant about disliking the floaters, Porsche and Lawon specifically. Speaking of floaters, Kalia brings Shelly into the HOH room, hoping to get Shelly on her side. Shelly agrees to a final 3 with Kalia and a not-present Daniele, but explains in the DR she'd prefer to be with Jeff/Jordan but is just lining up a back-up plan. And to think Jordan complained that Porsche and Lawon are floaters!

Jeff/Jordan make their HOH visit and Kalia explains to Jeff that she is going to nominate him to guarantee he plays in, and wins, the veto. Jordan gets more pissy, brings up the twist, and can't deal with the fact that Kalia wants to nominate strong players that are in her alliance. Jeff says if he takes himself off the block, Kalia is his #1 target, but she wisely points out she already was his target (but he claims that's not true). Jeff and Jordan want floaters out, and just get pissy that I don't feel like summarizing over and over. Jeff's anger rattles Kalia to the point of diary room tears where she doubts her decisions.

Jeff is well aware he's probably going on the block and Jordan is so upset she keeps saying she's "fusstrated." At the nomination ceremony, Dani snaps at Rachel who I guess is sitting too close for comfort. Because we're in 3rd grade in the BB house. Kalia nominates Jeff and Rachel for eviction, though Jordan gets all sassy and makes some annoying comment about how her key should've been omitted since it will be the replacement key. Kalia makes a speech to let it be know that the nomination decision was her choice alone. The ceremony ends and Rachel starts some shit with Daniele, who just walks away.

Rachel is pissy she's nominated, Jeff is pissy, Daniele is pleased. Rachel whines and Shelly tries to pacify her and explain it's a game. Rachel cries her crocodile tears about needing Brendon, being hated, blah blah blah. Does anyone care about these assholes anymore? Rachel asks what they want her to do and while I'm not sure about them, I can easily say I want you to STFU and leave the game. Porsche is tired of Rachel's 'tude as well and begins to gravitate towards Daniele who is pleased to take Rachel's alliance sloppy seconds. Then Kalia is crying because he doesn't want to be viewed as a floater and wants to leave a good player. Well what happens this week isn't going to help that case. Kalia doesn't like that Jeff and Jordan hate her and wants to make them like her again and will do anything to show they are not her target.

The names drawn for the veto competition are Kalia, Rachel, Jeff, Adam, Shelly, and Jordan (who was picked by Rachel). Shelly approaches Jeff afterwards and jokes he should be more excited about her getting to play and gets pissed that he doesn't seem to trust her. Jordan cries more and Jeff FINALLY makes the statement I've been saying for weeks on the blog: STOP GD CRYING. Jeff does damage control with Shelly, who explains she's been a trojan horse since like day 1 to get Jeff and Jordan to the end. After some chatting, all is cool.

Donning some festive togas (bedsheets) and new fake Greek names, the veto competition is to roll a ball back and forth a ramp, catching it each time (drop it and your count goes back to zero); whoever makes it to 300 first wins the Vetoeus. The ffff? I actually dig the challenge since it's not that physical, yet requires a level of endurance and speed. Rachel tries to be super speedy, which leads to her dropping the ball and a lot of huffing. Jeff is obviously acing it, because the competition is ideal for someone like him, though Adam is right up there with him. Kalia uses her time wisely, walking slowly, not doing anything, and cheering for Jeff. Hey bitch, you nominated him and he's bitter- stop kissing his ass. It's a really close fight but Jeff beats Adam by only 2, so obviously Jeff is coming off the block and someone is going up: but who?

Jordan expects to be the replacement nominee and plans to go bananas if she does go on the block. Rachel continues to whine that she has no votes and can't respect "the memory" of Brendon. Kalia tries to explain to JeJo again that she "had" to put Jeff on the block to make sure he fought hard for the veto, but claims the risk was worth it. Kalia wants to show she values them/needs their approval and won't put Jordan up as the replacement; they don't trust her. Rachel tries to make a deal and while people want her out, put the right person next to her and Rachel could stay. Rachel mentions the twist could have her come back, so Kalia sees value in maybe keeping Rachel and making JeJo like her again and burn less bridges this week. Daniele of course thinks this is a stupid move (cause it is). Kalia wants to prove she makes her own decisions and doesn't make Daniele's moves; so this week instead, Kalia makes Shelly's moves. Oh what's that, Shelly isn't in the show edit? That's because the show decided to make it look like Kalia made this plan when it was in fact Shelly who masterminded the whole thing to keep her alliance totally safe and knock out the other nominee.

Instead of putting up floater Porsche, Lawon volunteers to go up because he thinks he'll get evicted but come back with special powers from the twist. I guess Lawon made this really easy for Kalia. Kalia and Daniele laugh about it and if he doesn't come back, whoops! Big fucking whoops: he's your only other alliance number but you're too dumb to see it. Kalia thinks this will make her 3 biggest enemies her alliances which is so stupid because they will nominate her next week, easily. Jeff uses the veto to take himself off the block and Kalia names Lawon as the replacement nominee, putting grins on the faces of everyone in the house. WTF is she thinking?

Also, Adam makes his biggest game move: shaving his beard. Becaus ethat is literally the only thing of value he's done all summer. He looks far less creepy, but still weird.

You know Thursday is time for business when Julie wears a pantsuits with sleeves. Julie reminds us that tonight 2 evicted HGs will compete and the winner will re-enter the game. Julie gets her dig in at Lawon, laughing off his dream that the evicted person who returns will have a special power. But first, we have to hear what happened the last few days when all we want to see if who is going to re-enter the house.

Lawon is so excited to be on the block but thinks he's got a 99% chance of returning with powers. It's actually a 99% fact that this was the dumbest move ever on the show. Lawon wants everyone to think this wasn't planned and that he was totally shocked to be nominated. Once Lawson makes a comment "I wouldn't volunteer," Shelly is onto him and his lying persona he takes on. Shelly goes right to the source and asks Kalia if Lawon knew he was getting nominated since he's claiming he's shocked; Kalia confirms Lawon was in on the plan. Lawon is a dead man walking, but Rachel still makes a fake deal with Dani and Kalia (because those 2 morons are dumb enough to think this deal will stick). Kalia honestly thinks she is controlling the game this week and she is going to look back on this week and realize she was a fool that got PLAYED.

Shelly continues her reign as best player in the house that no one seems to realize is playing them all. Shelly straddles both sides of the house by telling Dani about Rachel spilling about the conversation in the HOH room. This leads Dani to run up to HOH to tell Kalia that Rachel blabbed to everyone else and maybe they should change their vote. Want to change it all you want, it doesn't matter cause you don't have the votes since you nominated your ally, ya dingalings.

A time filler video package shows all of Rachel's season 12 enemies and their thoughts on her now. Ragan and her were mortal enemies in the house, but not they are great friends and he's in her wedding party. Matt and Ragan are still BFFs and lovingly call each other Bookey too. Ragan explains Rachel's bad attitude and crying right now is because she truly has never played Big Brother as a solo player. Julie also does her HOH interview with Kalia who explains she's misses her friendship with Jeff/Jordan, hence the sucking up.

Voting time! Everybody votes to evict Lawon, eventhough Daniele knows that this is going to be a big mistake. Lawon isn't upset and in his nerd glasses, Yale sweatshirt, and red knee-high socks gives his hugs goodbye... but Julie stops him from leaving. Julie informs Lawon of the full span of the twist: Lawon will have to battle the evicted HG America voted for. Rachel's mouth is wide open (insert jokes here) and everyone is kinda surprised, yet had an idea maybe something like this could happen.

In the backyard, Keith, Cassie, Dominic, and Brendon are standing behind a blue curtain and all want to get back into the game. The 4 evictees learn that whoever the winner is will battle Lawon, so they are all thinking the obvious: easy win, I'm back in. Keith and Cassie's hopes are quickly dashed, leaving it to Dominic or Brendon. Since Brendon got the hero's edit, he gets a chance to return. The competition is to retrieve 14 balls with the names of the 14 original HGs and roll them up a ramp into a hole; whoever has the most in 3 minutes wins. In what I call "no fucking shit" Brendon wins and re-enters the house. WORST TWIST EVER.

But who's the HOH? We won't know (on the show) until Sunday.