December 17, 2012

Reality Rundown: Denise Survives Every Single Tribal Council

12/17/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Finale! Survivor: Philippines
 
It's finale night and I'm letting out one last OW OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO in celebration. And for the second time, my pre-show winner prediction is heading into the finale but the question is will I have actually predicted right for the first time?

The final four breathe a sigh of relief that camp will be far less annoying these last few days. But the four friends are at the point in the game where they have to turn on each other and inevitably lose. But first, a reward challenge to navigate some obstacles they've encountered before to collect puzzle pieces that fill in the form of a dragon. The reward is the biggest of the game: an advantage in the final immunity challenge. Oooo. Challenge master Malcolm wins, again, and if there's one person you don't want to have a leg up in another challenge, it's the invincible Malcolm. Post-challenge, Denise tries to make a final three deal with Malcolm and begins to pick up the vibe that he's not interested. Denise keeps on playing though and makes her pitch to Lisa to take out Malcolm (and Skupin likes it).

Before the final Immunity Challenge, the four take the fallen comrades walk to remember the fond (and in Abi's case horrendous) memories. The good news is while we forgot people, Denise didn't since she was at every single Tribal Council seeing these torches snuffed. After torching the torches, they arrive at the final Immunity Challenge to balance a ball on wood, adding pieces along the way to make it harder. Yup, recycled challenge that's sorta endurance sorta now. Malcolm's advantage is that he gets a second chance if he ever drops the ball (a fantastic advantage). It's pretty boring to watch people balancing stuff, though Malcolm does drop in the second round and has his second attempt. What I did notice that I didn't before is that the middle piece has a groove in it to keep the ball from immediately slipping off the pole. Malcolm's got the jitters and fails; first out. Oh boy. Denise drops next, leaving Lisa and Skupin to fight. After a few rounds, Lisa drops and Skupin wins immunity and the odd ego he has for being a shitty player grows.

Malcolm is sure he's in trouble, but reaffirms his final three with Skupin and Lisa. Denise does the exact same, so who the hell knows what's happening at Tribal. But Skupin still would love to take Malcolm to the end to beat the best, because he's confident he'd beat him (seriously??) And so heading into Tribal I'm really not sure where the votes will lay but I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to lose the pre-show winner prediction race... again. Hot topic is friendships having to end as the game draws closer to a final conclusion. Malcolm and Denise pretty openly imply that they used to be besties but also have to betray each other in order to win. Shit gets dirty too when Malcolm points out Denise survived every Tribal Council and floated while others got their hands dirty. Lisa can't even think of a reason to take Malcolm to the end and it hits him hard. Damn Lisa, you cold blooded and I love it. The tribe speaks and Malcolm heads off to join the jury. Before he leaves he whispers a congratulations to Denise on winning the million dollars. Skupin seethes because for some reason he thinks he's done a better job than her. And my pre-show prediction losses rise.

The final three bask in their last day glory with a big breakfast feast awaiting them at tree mail. Lisa accurately points out this jury could go any way and it's so true, but I hope it's any way but Skupin's. Sorry but I don't think Skupin has done anything in this game besides win a few challenges and barely avoid death a few times. But maybe that's his argument.

Final Tribal time! Denise's opening statement is of no apologies and the ability to adapt and assimilate to three different tribes and build many alliances. Lisa's statement is about playing her own game and learning to trust her gut and stop being uber-loyal. Skupin uses the returning player lasting long argument, busting his ass to save himself. It's jury questioning time and first up Artis is still angry about the broken loyalty by his tribemates, which means score one for Denise. Carter starts with "Uhhh" which is no surprise and lazily doles out compliments. Pete says Lisa was sort of a "Judas situation" when people were eliminated but she didn't write their names. Denise points out how she worked her way into the tribe each time she re-merged and adapted, especially considering how Kalabaw should've been picked off immediately not RC by her own original tribe. RC makes a weird nervous laugh. Malcolm rips into former pal Denise. Jeff Kent makes a speech about types of people and Skupin of course claims he makes things happen. Lisa insists she never floated in the middle, referencing her botched plan to take out Malcolm but her plan was always to keep Tandang strong. Abi plays the brokenhearted card for being a dick, then poses why any of them deserve her vote. Denise has no remorse in what she said about Abi, but apologies for perhaps her tact in doing so. Penner wraps it up in the Penner-est of ways, assuring Denise she officially will be seen as a bitch, Skupin has never received a vote and that will probably happen again tonight, and then the big bomb: Lisa was the star of The Facts of Life and they should know that she has kept this secret until now. There's some references about being led to the slaughter while the other two are oxen. It's totally Penner.

And with the bitterness filling their hearts (and the empty void in Carter's head), the jury votes for the person they believe should win the title of Sole Survivor. In case you were wondering, Carter voted for "SKOOPIN." I simply cannot. And so Probst grabs the urn of votes and disappears for a few months only to appear at the reunion special to read the results. The trio hold hands as the votes are read and the winner of Survivor: Philippines is DENISE!!!! It's a 6-1-1 vote which is massively impressive.

Congratulations are given to Denise who is aware at the four she knew she was in trouble. Her biggest move towards victory was eliminating buddy Malcolm. Turns out the jury would've still picked Denise to win over Malcolm, surprising Probst. And after asking the ladies a couple questions, Probst turns to Penner and Jeff Kent's failed alpha male alliance (surprise). Skupin still has these delusions of grandeur that he played hard and deserved to win, honestly thinking he won tonight. Seriously?? They roll some fantastic b-roll footage of all of Skupin's accidents, a true walking disaster. Later Lisa says god doesn't care about Survivor, but then he does care? There's stuff about staying true to Christianity, god's love, internal conflict. I don't know, it's too much. In a Malcolm discussion Probst asks if he'd play again, and Malcolm's like "Yeah." Talk about a heavy-handed hint. Then talk turns to the succubus: Abi. Abi has learned from watching the show that she is in fact abrasive and passive aggressive. Lisa wins the Fan Favorite prize, narrowly defeating Malcolm. Highlight of the night is Dawson racing from her seat to plant a smooch on Probst. The night wraps up with a preview of season 26, Survivor: Caramoan and it's fans vs. favorites, again. Except "favorites" is a loose term of people who were able to not work for 39 days.

December 16, 2012

Reality Rundown: Quick, Eat This Cookie Off My Flipper

Finale! The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Philippines

Finale! The Amazing Race - Another dreadful season of this show is ending. A burden lifting from upon my shoulders. My brain tells me to quit this show, but I can't. I need help. Onto the dragged out two hour episode.

The Beekmans have a gut-kick moment on the train ride to France when they finally realize there is an alliance of three and they want the Beekmans gone. The teams arrive in France and product placement the crap out of some Ford trunk feature and everyone swoons over it. The next clue is at a gorgeous chateau and it's there that the teams discover the Beekmans secret weapon: they speak French. The clue is to find DaVinci's final resting place (another chateau) but the twinnies can't move on so fast. The Speed Bump is to tie up a lady's corset, rivaling eating ice cream as easiest task of all time.

The teams have a Detour option to make dog food for hunting hounds or plow a field using a horse and plow. The twinnies make up major ground and catch up to the teams at the Detour, doing the dog food task at the same time as the Beekmans. The twins continue to be dreadful, whining about the Beekmans being "backstabbers" and liars. What annoying twits. Once the Detour is complete, there's a Roadblack to find mushrooms in tunnels. You'd need to be tripping on 'shrooms to think this season was entertaining, so it's appropriate. Directions to the wrong castle fumble Trey/Lexi which allows my boys the Chippendales to check in first and win the Ford product placement cars. Battling for the third spot in the finale is the twinnies and the Beekmans and while I think the Beekmans have had pure luck getting through, I beg for them to eliminate the ultra annoying twins. The twins get super lost driving the wrong direction and "the gays" as the twins so nicely call them, beat them to the Pit Stop and send those bitches home.

And so the final leg begins and the final three cross the Atlantic to land in New York City. The postcard clue leads them to the Coney Island Boardwalk, which is depressing since this was filmed months ago and now that area is destroyed thanks to Hurricane Irene. The clue is ridiculously hidden in a Houdini poster, a fail on behalf of production again for making impossible to find clues. But it's also hard to notice when tourists are taking pictures in front of it. Eventually the teams figure it out and head the Roadblock, which escape Houdini-style up in the sky ending in a bungee freefall.

The teams then make their way to Lombardi's, the first pizza place in NYC, to memorize orders and deliver pizzas on foot as their next task. The Beekmans make a delivery blunder just as Chippendales starts their route, which means Beekmans have to re-do their botched delivery. Trey and Lexi finish this task first and receive a clue with the United Nations logo, the next clue location. Another Roadblock is at the UN headquarters where the other team member must identify the way the heard hello/goodbye in the nine UN countries they visited around the world. Hope everyone pays attention when they check in at the mat, I guess! It's a tough challenge for all three teams, even the brainy Beekmans, and Lexi starts crying. Day turns to night and the teams are still working. The Beekmans finish the task first and take off for the Pit Stop, but Chippendales aren't super far behind (or so editing makes it out that way). And then the team no one ever thought would win wins: the Beekman Boys Josh and Brent win The Amazing Race blowing the minds of all.

Survivor: Philippines - Abi is grateful to the tribe for keeping her around, too dense to understand she's around for being a loser. The best is she thinks that her fake hidden immunity idol is still duping everyone. The four know she's lying, especially since she was sure as shit thinking she was going home the night before yet didn't play it. Continuing her clawing to stay alive, Abi tries to make Lisa feel like the low one on the totem pole but Lisa isn't dumb (just annoying) and knows she has to keep Abi close to win the game (either against her in the finals or by placing her on the jury).

The Reward Challenge of the week is to climb 'n slide over a pyramid into the ocean to retrieve ring toss rings. The prize this week is a helicopter ride (HREAM!!!) to whale shark watch and have pizza and soda. Skupin wins the challenge and picks Malcolm and Lisa to join him. Chuckles abound at remembering Skupin's last helicopter ride when he fell into a fire and his skin was peeling off. HAHAHA good times! Skupin gets sugar high off cookies and soda, then the trio get to put on masks and see the whale sharks up close in the ocean. Proof that Skupin is a walking disaster: even a whale shark headbutts him. It's pretty amazing. Game talk eventually comes up, and that is Michael knowing that he can't beat Denise and he needs final three with Skupin and Lisa. A deal is made and what a surprise, Lisa internally is like mehhhh and might change her mind later.

After a day being tortured by Abi at camp, Denise wakes up in major pain. Her thought has shooting pains, she's achy, and something clearly bit her neck. Abi points out it could be poison and you know she's holding back joy. The tribe surrounds to pray the poison out because that works. And so Denise heads into the Immunity Challenge weaker than the bunch. The challenge is to use planks to cross a bridge, collect pieces to a maze, assemble the maze, and then navigate a ball through said maze. Oh goody, puzzles are back. I'm thinking that spider bite gave Denise spidey senses. But Malcolm, who fell off the bridge and had to restart the challenge, makes the ultimate comeback from way behind and wins immunity.

Post-immunity, a spark from the fire shoot at Skupin. The Smoke Monster has it out for that dude. The obvious elimination choice is Abi, but she's still trying to play. Abi believes Skupin and Lisa have a better chance of beating her, and it's very very true because Abi is the worst. Lisa loves this idea because they can beat Abi. At the same time, keeping Denise gives them a better shot of beating Malcolm in the final immunity challenge since Abi is the worst at challenges too. Denise asks Malcolm about that other immunity idol and Malcolm says if the situation called for it, he'd give up the idol. Truth is, Malcolm's confident that Skupin and Lisa are with him and has no plans on passing off the idol to Denise. Ohhhhh boyyyyy.

Tribal time! Talk for the millionth time turns to Abi being unlikable and easy to beat in the end. What I think is Abi has two former alliance members on the jury. She won't win, but she's taken two votes away which narrows the odds. Probst comes to Abi's defense that she has outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted 13 others. Abi also declares that Malcolm or Denise will definitely win the game and Lisa and Skupin will lose. Abi calls Skupin an idiot and moron. Probst wonders why if Abi can't win, then why care? She wants final three. Malcolm warns that if you keep Abi she's not going down without a fight and could win. The votes are cast, Penner gives Abi the bird from the sidelines, and no immunity idol is played. Finally, FINALLY, the stars align and Abi is eliminated from the game. Skupin literally dances out of Tribal Council in joy. All is right.

December 9, 2012

Reality Rundown: Soul Sucking Dementor

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Philippines

The Amazing Race - Mallorca, Spain is this week's destination and while teams are able to get different flights easily, the ferry ends up being an equalizer (yawn). And so the twinnies, dumb couple, and Chippendales just party on the beach until they learn who team #4 is: Josh and Brent. A sigh of relief is had since Chippendales screwed over Abbie/Ryan. What's annoying is an equalizer means a shitty team like Josh and Brent might make the finale, eventhough they've failed multiple times.

Anyways, to get the next clue they need to find a devil amongst a bunch of demons swinging fire (the demons are probably the ones that haunt this show and refuse it to improve). The next clue is a Roadblock is to return 20 tennis balls in bounds from one of those tennis shooter machine thingies. Trey rocks it and the Chippendales think it's the Andre Agassi style headband. The twinnies end up behind their 1-2-3 alliance because they can't drive stick. Josh and Brent can read a map and drive stick, so it helps get them build up a lead... until Josh sucks at tennis and blames his bad ankle. The twinnies are able to catch up to them, narrowing the lead.

The next clue lays deep in a badass cave full of stalagmites/stalactites and it's s Detour. The choice this week is to repair a windmill or become a bull in a bullfight arena and send a fake matador in the air. I can't imagine a better option than pretending to gore a human being, so I'd definitely choose matador. Everyone except for Trey and Lexi do the windmill, and it gives Chippendales time to wax fondly on their sexy construction worker costumes of their real jobs. In the midst of pretending to be a bull, Lexi cuts her finger and begins cryyyyying. But it's short lived and they finish the task which isn't as cool as I'd dreamed.  The twins and Beekman are pretty much tied, but the Beekmans are farmers so repairing a windmill is more in their wheelhouse than the two loud, annoying sisters.

Trey and Lexi are team #1, checking in with Phil and a headless dude in a suit (with a woman's voice), and win a trip to Riveira Maya, Mexico.  Chippendales are team #2 and I'm relieved because they are the only team I have liked all season and I truly hope they win.  The farm lifestyle helps Josh and Brent earn third place this week, which means the twinnies are the last to check in.   But, as usual, the penultimate episode before the finale is a non-elimination and we head into a two hour finale (eyeroll) with four teams.

Survivor: Philippines - Abi approaches Carter to talk about them not being part of the four, so Abi keeps up the immunity idol ruse. Lisa has another betraying that trust dilemma when she thinks hard about Penner's point that Malcolm and Denise would absolutely win this game.

Probst convenes everyone for the reward challenge, where survivors get paired with a loved one. Everyone loses their shit, though Skupin's is best since he just yells "OH MY GOD" over and over. The challenge is to toss muddy bags to their loved ones to knock down targets. The winning survivor and their loved one gets to spend the night at camp which is allegedly a reward but considering camp sucks, sounds like punishment. Turns out being shitty at challenges is genetic and Abi and her mom are the worse. In a very close challenge, Malcolm and his brother Miles win and also pick Lisa's brother and Skupin's son to return to camp with them.

The tribe returns to camp with the family members in tow, all muddied up and needing an ocean bath. But on Survivor you don't sit around doing nothing (unless you're Abi) and the family members help around camp for the full experience. Lisa and her brother shoot the shit in the ocean, yapping about her overly loyal nature because that is ALL she talks about. Like father, like son, Skupin's son gets all cut up from a coconut tree. Skupin, Lisa and their family members talk about Malcolm's idol and maybe they could take him out this week. Lisa is apprehensive because, say it all together, she gave him her word! Lisa has an epiphany thanks to her brother that she's allowed to blindside Malcolm and play the gam. However, in an amazing bit of hilarity they say if Jesus played Survivor he'd probably look like Malcolm and play like Carter. BRILLIANT.

The families leave and it's time for another do-or-die immunity challenge. This week's challenge is to race across balance beams over the water, retrieve bags of sticks from the water, use the sticks to make a pole to poke a button to drop a flag. Whoa, run-on sentence! Abi is way behind the others and half-assing it, aggravating Probst to no end. After all the blindside Malcolm talk he wins immunity, per the words of the Survivor gods. Yahoo, I'm one step closer to a winner prediction!

Malcolm is ridiculously excited to be safe for two weeks because he won individual immunity today and has his idol to play next week. Lisa and Skupin talk about god's plan or something and the choice is between Abi or Carter. No one wants to get rid of Carter but for what he lacks in gameplay or brains, he makes up for in challenges. Carter hopes they don't take along a total turd like Abi farther than him. Talk around the fire turns to who voted for who in the past and after Denise requests a subject change, Abi claims she's playing her immunity idol tonight (which doesn't exist). Malcolm compares Abi to a Harry Potter soul sucking dementor, which is so true. And so Abi treks deep into the woods to retrieve her fake idol. Fake it til you make it!

Tribal time! Moral vs. strategy? Tis the dilemma between keeping challenge hound Carter and plague upon camp Abi. The alliance of four is quite open about their deal. Carter isn't surprise and just hopes they'll take someone who deserves it over someone they can beat. Abi tells Probst she found the fourth hidden immunity idol and no one really buys it. Everyone votes, no immunity idol is played, and Carter is eliminated because eventhough Abi sucks Carter is good at challenges.

December 2, 2012

Reality Rundown: Keep Your Sunny Side Up and Suck Eggs

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Philippines

The Amazing Race - The teams are equalized when they're all sent to the Amsterdam using a flag as a clue (dumb Trey/Lexi thought it was France).  The twinnies take a risk by taking a flight with a one hour layover, while Chippendales opt for a direct flight for safety.  Trey/Lexi take a normal old flight because who cares.  These three also make a pact to use a potential U-Turn on Abbie and Ryan, and then use the second U-Turn on a team ahead of them, using up the remaining U-Turn.  Already hours behind the other teams, Abbie/Ryan end up in a deja vu situation of terrible flying.  Abbie/Ryan are denied entry to their flight because they didn't check in (because they were in the air- duh), and then their new flight is delayed.   Josh/Brent's flight was much later, so they even out with Abbie/Ryan.  They meet up in the airport and agree for another leg run together, may the best team win.

Natalie and Nadiya take a bus to their Fast Forward and the bus drives right into the water. Yup, it's the Floating Dutchman and they have seven minutes to eat five herrings before the bus returns to shore and waits 10 minutes to go again. The herrings are large and covered in raw onion. Bleckh! The twinnies complete the Fast Forward first, which throws off Jaymes/James who waste time getting there. The good news is we hardly have to deal with the twins this leg.

The leg continues with a Detour to re-enact a Rembrandt painting with a bunch of actors and props or grind an organ and collect tips. Chippendales and Trey/Lexi opt to beg for tips which isn't as easy as it has been in other countries. The money isn't flowing so Jaymes goes for it, Chippendales style. Shirt off, Chippendalles collar- make it rain, Amsterdam!! Because Chippendales are ahead they have the tough decision of whether to U-Turn a team or not (it's a Double U-Turn). While it was agreed before for them to U-Turn Ryan and Abbie, they don't want to play dirty but a race is a race and they do the deed. After the U-Turn there's a Roadblock repeat from a past season: ditch vaulting. In the prior seasons, it was a make or break challenge that demolished teams. James takes it down in one try and they take off for the Pit Stop.

The twinnies check in as #1 (duh) and win $5,000 each. Jaymes/James are second and coming to terms with the U-Turn, but they point out that Abbie/Ryan would be a top team to beat them in the finale. And since we have two teams that are travel failures, the episode is like a split again, watching the bottom teams compete while others are sitting pretty at the Pit Stop. The bottom group together re-enacts Rembrandt, with Abbie/Ryan slightly beating the Beekman Boys which is good for them to U-Turn them. Except Trey/Lexie used the U-Turn on Jaymes/James just to fill the spot, so Abbie/Ryan are screwed. Abbie/Ryan aren't as pissed about being U-Turned but being betrayed by friends in the race. The Beekmans ponder helping Abbie/Ryan, but when it comes down to it Abbie/Ryan aren't just going to let the Beekmans get on the mat before them. The Beekmans come in as team #4 and Abbie/Ryan are last and eliminated. Looks like this show saved themselves that bonus million bucks!

Survivor: Philippines - Abi mopes around camp, which makes her the obvious target for the week unless she wins immunity. With Denise, Malcolm, Lisa and Skupin a solid four, should Abi win safety, they think it could maybe be a good time to take out Penner.

Tree mail arrives with the best news ever: AUCTION!! I have been begging for the return of the auction so I almost peed my pants. The rules: $500 to spend, can't share or money, auction will randomly end. Denise spends all her money to win pancakes, bacon, and orange juice for a balance meal. Probst barely lifts the lid when Skupin bids his full $500 for cheese, crackers, and wine. Malcolm wins iced coffee and donuts for $200, proving again we're soulmates. Penner bids $100 for a mystery item, which is fried chicken and french fries. Abi continues her pity party saying she's not bidding on food since she'll get to eat soon when she's voted off. That is until Probst pulls out "an advantage in this game" and she bids her full $500. Ugh, go away. Lisa waits a while to bid and wins a big ol' submarine sandwich. Carter's $200 mystery item is a baked potato or the option to get rice and beans for the tribe (nice guy takes one for the team). He later buys himself veal shanks, which ends up being for the whole tribe, no silverware, 60 seconds to eat like savages. Poor fool got nothing to himself and the auction ends.

The tribe rejoices in their food high, hugging and smiling... except the dark cloud of Abi is still around. Penner and Abi get into it, so he tells it like it is: she's offputting. Abi whines more. Lather, rinse, repeat, go away you annoying girl. After her annoying bickerfest, Abi heads to a lonely side of the beach to read the prize she won at the auction. Turns out Abi is automatically in the final round of the immunity challenge, giving her a 1 in 3 shot at immunity for the week. To keep up the mystery, she makes a fake immunity idol though it seems the six agree not to buy any crap she's selling. Abi's poor acting it to tell Malcolm she has a fourth idol, but I doubt he cares or believes it.

For the immunity challenge this week, the players are attached through a rope to make their way through a beam, bamboo poles, and obstacle course. Additional weight to carry will be added to a player if they answer a question wrong before the round starts. It's a tiered elimination challenge so Abi, the perennial challenge loser, gets to automatically make it to the finals. Abi's fake immunity idol plan doesn't work out so great, since Probst explains Abi's auction prize was advancing in the challenge. She claims there are two messages in the note, one is secret and the other is the advance in the challenge. She tears the note up so no one can figure out how terrible her lying skills are. I'll give her props for trying but she's still a jerk. Abi, Carter and Penner compete in the final round and Abi's not as awful as she normally is at challenges (though maybe the other two were worn out from the prior two rounds). Horrible Abi wins immunity and now the six not miserable people have to vote off someone likable.

The united six must now pick off one of their own since the evil succubus won immunity. Malcolm and his crew know this evening is the ideal time to vote off Penner, though Lisa mopes about not being cut out for eliminating her friends. Because Lisa is an idiot, she goes to Penner and pours her soul to him including making a final four alliance with others. Lisa pretty much tells Penner that he's going home tonight and he's livid. Lisa encourages Penner to work his magic, so he tells Carter and Abi that he's voting for Denise (since Malcolm could play the idol). Penner makes a plea to Skupin to be a swing vote, since Lisa is keeping her word to the alliance. Skupin's gotta make a choice about who is the side he could beat in the end, and he thinks he could beat Penner (LOLOLOLOL).

Tribal time! They reiterate Abi spent her $500 the best way ever (we get it). Penner talks about the post-immunity scramble and outs the alliance of Denise/Malcolm/Skupin/Lisa. Penner makes his argument/plea, Malcolm does too. Lisa talks about hurting people she cares about (again). Penner is very insistent that Malcolm and Denise would definitely win at the end, but let's add that Penner is pretty unbeatable too. He just isn't saying that aloud. Everyone heads to vote and Abi is a bitch, Penner yells "DENISE!" for all to hear, and Skupin twiddles the pen. Penner is voted out 4-3, giving his pal Carter a hug (and denying Abi one, which is great).

November 25, 2012

Reality Rundown: Malcolm In a Spa Towel Alert!

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Philippines

The Amazing Race - Following up on last week's To Be Continued, James and Abba are required to track down their passports before being able to check in.  They have a fair amount of time to search/call the cops/request new passports since Josh/Brent and Abbie/Ryan are still far behind.  Josh and Brent don't actually finish the Detour and have to take a four hour penalty since the pool has to close.  But the bottom two teams do stick to their agreement to do this leg together, helping each other out along the way.  James and Abba are still searching when Abbie/Ryan and Josh/Brent check-in, so they are still in the race after being complete and utter failures.  James and Abba come back to the mat passport-less and Phil announces it's a non-elimination leg and they have to find their passports to move on.  ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME?  This show is absolutely horseshit.

The next leg of the race kicks off by sticking around Moscow, so convenient for James and Abba who need more time to find passports.  The first clue is a Roadblock where they need to calculate timezones of five Russian cities (but they get just brief glimpses of the maps and it's a timed test).  Jaymes and Lexi, front of the pack, pair together to complete the task together which is smart since both are kinda dumb at times.  Twinnies Natalie and Nidiya use their Express Pass because they have to use it this weekend and timezones suck.   After, there's a Detour to  perform a Russian soldier dance or identify historic Russian leader lookalikes.  Pick the dancing it's like Russian breakdancing!  Other James has an injured ankle and has a hard time dancing. Worst Chippendales ever.  Thankfully he stands up for his male stripping routes and finishes this task.

Jaymes and James, the only team I am routing for this in this, checks in as team #1 and win a trip to Costa Rica.  Netx to check in are Trey/Lexi and Natalie/Nadiya.  The other three teams of losers start racing and by this point, I could care less.  We just watched this lame leg and now we have to watch a bunch of dummies do it.  Abbie/Ryan do the tasks, James/Abba wander the streets trying to find their passports, and Josh/Brent play four hour catchup to James/Abba who needs someone to be a translator for them.  Some youth helps translate for them, so they get back into the race to at least complete the leg in case the passports arrive.  Ryan bombs the timezone test a bunch of times and gets stressed.  Josh/Brent's smarts help them makeup some good times, acing the timezone quiz and awesomely identifying the historical figures.  The non-elimination means absolutely nothing as James and Abba check in last and never get their passports.  I wonder if they'll be trapped in Russia forever with Toni and Dallas...

Survivor: Philippines - Abi and Pete are alarmed at what went down, but Skupin knows in order to win the million he's gotta make real moves.  Skupin's bestie Lisa is torn between undying loyalty to an alliance that hates her and moving on.  But Lisa is kinda content potentially losing to a nicer alliance because Pete and Abi suck.

This week's Reward Challenge is another team task: a head-to-head drum flipping battle.  It's not an easy one to recap, but it's an interesting physical challenge requiring lots of running.  Abi finally gets to participate in a challenge and proves why they never used her: she flips over the other team's drum.  Skupin also does the wrong drum flip, but his is the worst possible moment as he gives the other team a victory.  Carter, Pete, Abi and Malcolm are treated to a day at the Survivor spa with a bath, mani/pedi, massage, cocktails and food.  There's an agreement for no game talk and instead just letting a bunch of Filipino women bathe them.

Turns out the losers had a pretty relaxing day at camp too... until Abi returns.  She won't STFU, yapping about how amazing it was.  She never learns.  Unspoken at camp it's completely obvious everyone wants Abi gone immediately.  So with another possible easy week ahead, Malcolm starts gaming and works to make a final four deal.  Talking with Skupin, Malcolm proposes it be the two of them plus Lisa and Denise.  Skupin is game, but Lisa trusts Penner more and would prefer Penner/Carter.  Penner likes the offer but he thinks it's too early to make such a deal.  This unwillingness to commit solidifies Lisa and Skupin's opinions and shake on a final four with Denise and Malcolm in the woods.

The immunity challenge is to maneuver a buoy through a tangled rope, then around a balance beam, and then through a water obstacle course.  Pete and Abi need immunity the most, but they don't make it past the first round of qualifiers.  Denise, Carter and Skupin battle it out in the final three water round.  Carter wins immunity but from us viewers no respect because he still seems like a dope.

The plan is set to vote for Pete and Abi, 3/3, and if the idol isn't played everyone votes for Abi in the tiebreaker.  Penner honestly believes the six will stay strong and not make a stupid decision to save them.  Oh boy, foreshadowing.  Abi and Pete want to try to get rid of Malcolm since he's powerful with an idol.  Abi approaches Lisa and Lisa kindly decides the offer to vote off Malcolm, which is pretty hilarious.  Carter is a dunce but correctly says, "Well I'm in a pretty good spot."  Penner also says no, so Pete pitches the idea to Skupin.  Suddenly Skupin wonders if he made a poor decision earlier making a deal with Malcolm, the guy most likely to beat anyone in the end.  Malcolm is aware of the plan but fears if he plays the idol he loses his leverage.  The game is on, yo!

Tribal time!  Malcolm speaks openly about knowing he's a target but won't admit it's smart to get rid of him.  The attempt to vote off Malcolm isn't subtle, as Pete brings up they need one more to vote off Malcolm.  Abi acknowledges her attitude is "not gentle" but uses the English as a second language excuse.  Denise basically says it's a crock of shit and Abi is just a nasty person.  Denise rules, you guys.  Denise continues to be amazing when Probst asks if it would be smart to keep Abi around to beat in the end.  Denise says if you want to play that way, yeah, but she doesn't want to win against an unlikable deadweight or bring a person that she'd beat by default.  Abi is too dense to notice that she's the unlikable one, but Probst and her claim it's cultural (uhh no).  Denise tries to explain herself a little more, with Abi butting in and getting fiesty.  Once the votes are tallied, Abi tearfully plays her hidden immunity idol and so her alliance member Pete is eliminated instead.

November 18, 2012

Reality Rundown: Skupin Takes a Stand

The Amazing Race - The next leg of the race brings the teams to Moscow, Russia. But there's lots of airport stupidity, like Trey and Lexi's inability to retain the name of the kiosk they need to visit (paper and pen, people). Thankfully the Twinnies get the four of them on a flight arriving at 4am; other teams get a flight coming in at 2am. Other teams take normal, reasonable flights too. Except Abbie and Ryan, the race meanies, take a risk by booking tickets on a flight with a very quick layover in Frankfurt. The Beekman Boys end up on this same flight by using the wisest choice of all: a coin flip. I hate you. The universe hates them too because the flight to Frankfurt is delayed and they miss the connection. The next flight to Moscow gets them there are 3:10PM, practically a half day behind the others in terms of this race. While waiting around the two teams make a pact to run the whole leg together.

Teams land in Moscow and, what a surprise, have to wait until 9:30AM to retrieve the clue (still doesn't help the Frankfurters much). The Twinnies, daters, and Chippendales group together, while Abba/James/Long Hair Don't Care go solo and get to the Detour faster. This week's choices are to search a card catalog (in Russian) to retrieve library books or go synchronized swimming. Do they have the Dewey Decimal System in Russia? Abba/James and Trey/Lexi go to the library and Chippendales/Twinnies head over to the pool. Long Hair Don't Care quits the library to try the swimming because reading Russian is ridic (except Trey/Lexi figured it out sooo). Both tasks suck a lot and the Twinnies want to use the Express Pass but Jaymes/James point out it's a total waste because the other teams are HOURS behind so they aren't getting eliminated. Wise call, boys.

After Detouring, the teams head to the "Trees of Love" which are a made up of a ton of locks. The "trees" each have a ribbon and one teammate will have to use a circle of keys to open the locks. It's like being a janitor in a race for a million dollars. When the ribbon unravels there's a ruple inside (Russian dollar dollar bill y'all) and they need to find the location on the back (The Bolshoi Theater) to check into the Pit Stop. Trey and Lexi, who I totally underestimate, are team #1 and win a trip to Maui. Long Hair Don't Care continue their stupidity, leaving their bags in a cab- including their passports. When James/Abba check into the Pit Stop they can't officially check in without having passports so in order to move in they must retrieve the passports from the mysterious cab. Does this mean that complete flight losers Abbie/Ryan and Brent/Josh, who are so far behind they HAVE to swim because the library closed, stand a chance? TO BE CONTINUED. Ah damn you, Race!

Survivor: Philippines - Turns out last week there was no plan and Penner did sort of unintentionally screw it up. The goal was to get rid of Pete and instead Jeff went home- whoops. Malcolm and Lisa make nice, and she's so surprised he is so forgiving. The big issue is that there are five original Tandangs left and if they all stick together, they'll pick of the rest. Penner sees the divide between nice Lisa/Skupin and mean Abi/Pete/Artis and wants to try to sway the duo to his side. Penner plays therapist and kinda cracks Lisa's past and why she's such a people-pleaser to try and be liked. Penner is such a Dr. Melfi.

In the reward challenge, the survivors are split into two teams to crawl through mud and rice to retrieve bags of balls to shoot into a basket. The winning team gets to go to a local village as Survivor ambassadors and bring school supplies and toys to the local children, with a feast as a thank you. I love this giving back reward. No surprise, Abi is chosen to sit out of the challenge and I'm pretty sure she never is in any team challenges. She'd probably pitch a fit halfway anyways. The red team (Malcolm, Denise, Carter, Penner) smoke the yellow team and win reward.

The winners visit the village and have the immediate reward of children's smiles. The village is warm and welcoming, busting out the clay pot pinatas for the festive occasion. Beers are cracked, food is served, and the game talk begins. They can't believe Skupin would tolerate being treated like shit and stick with that alliance. Their goal when they get home: get Lisa and Skupin to jump ship. Speaking of, at camp Abi and Pete are super passive aggressive towards Lisa. Super rude. And yet they stick with a trio that shits all over them out of this weird loyalty, yet the other alliances wants and values them BOTH. Ugh, idiots.

For immunity, survivors have to balance an over-sized paddle while maneuvering six balls into the slots at the end. This seems tedious but I'm so glad it's not a puzzle. Skupin wins immunity and god I hope he uses this newfound safety and possible power to make a less dumb choice in alliance.

Sure enough when the tribe returns to camp, Abi wishes they could vote off annoying Skupin instead of Penner. Abi is worried about Lisa and Skupin, but Pete shushes her and assures her to have faith. The other side decides to put their votes towards Artis, since Abi has the idol and could pass it to Pete. Thing is, they are only an alliance of four and need someone to flip. Penner breaks it down to Lisa in TV terms: who would viewers want her to align with? Some assholes or the routable cool folks? Lisa still wants to be loyal (giant eyeroll). Penner continues his campaigning and pleas to Skupin. Skupin would switch but only if Lisa is OK with it.

Tribal time and I don't know what's going to happen. Lisa talks about how graceful the others were to her after selling them out, not her alliance who were kinda turds. Abi gets all pissy again. Artis says Tandang is one of the strongest tribes in Survivor history and all is going as planned. Denise points out no one should feel so comfortable, which Artis chimes in saying he doesn't feel 100% safe and he could be blindsided any time. Talk turns to Skupin, Lisa, and their loyalty for the zillionth time. Penner hopes the numbers will come his way, so Probst asks ticking time bomb Abi who they might not have. Now a person who understands Survivor knows you don't answer this. Abi says Lisa. Ouch. So the question of this week's vote is will Lisa still put up with being kicked around by a group of turds? NO!  Skupin (not Lisa) take a stance against the group of dicks and Artis gets totally blindsided.

November 11, 2012

Reality Rundown: Every Crack is an Opportunity

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Philippines

The Amazing Race - This leg of the race sends all the teams to Istabul, Turkey and when booking flights at a travel agency Long Hair Don't Care leaves all their American money out in the open. The twinnies snag all of it, unbeknownst to them (they assume it fell out in a cab). A wonderful woman gives the rockers the money they need to get a cab to the airport, showing good deeds done around the world. The twinnies split the money with Trey and Lexi to split the guilt. And so all the teams hop aboard the same flight, therefore causing little issues for Josh and Brent who dodged elimination last week. They'll just have to deal with what'll be a lame speedbump that barely puts them behind. Yawn.

Istanbul is actually partially in Europe and partially in Asia. The teams land on the Europe side, but their first clue sends them on a ferry to the Asian side to retrieve their next clue (which leads them to another clue). That clue is Detour to transport Turkish bagels (simits) on their heads or get cleansed at a Turkish bathhouse. Now before Josh and Brent can begin the Detour they must endure a grueling Speedbump: eating Turkish ice cream. Are you goddamn kidding me? I don't care if there's laughs, or that the vendor takes forever because he's a show-off, this is ridiculous. But they get lost carrying their bagels which is even less interesting.

After getting cleaned or toting bagels, the teams make their way to their Roadblock. One teammate has to get decked up in Turkish clothes and serve 40 cups of Turkish sherbet. It's not ice cream, but I guess the first soft drink and I'm picturing the sherbet punch we used to drink every Christmas. Holiday flashbacks! Lexi is very peppy, which is both helpful and annoying (one guy buys to shut her up). Since no one will buy from Ryan, he makes a deal with a local guy (like a broker) and gives him commission on the sales to get to the 40 cups. Smart!

The sherbet leads to success for Trey and Lexi who check in as team #1; they win a trip to Australia. Chippendales, Beekman Boys, and Monster Truck are battling each other out trying to sell their sherbet in a fight to not be last. There's then cab chaos, forcing Beekman Boys to get out of their cab to make the traffic move. Josh and Brent, despite that insaaaane ice cream eating task, beat Kelly and Rob to the mat. The Monster Truckers are eliminated from the race.





Survivor: Philippines - Penner is alive in the game, idol-less, and pretty ticked off that his alliance turned against him. Skupin encourages Penner to not give up because there are cracks; they need to take advantage when the time is right. The good news for them is most hate Abi, Pete and Artis so things could be changing.

The teams meet up with Probst for the reward challenge where they'll split into two teams to collect fishtraps from the ocean that contain, what else, puzzle pieces. As a person who always enjoyed a good mindgame or puzzle, I resent them so much now. It looks like Skupin might blow it for his team of players no one likes anyways, but they re-catch up fast. In an intense battle of building the final flag puzzle, the yellow team (Penner, Malcolm, Jeff, Lisa, and Denise) win an afternoon picnic in the jungle. With ribs!

While the others are feasting and having fun, Skupin is on the sidelines which the others legit talk about being in alliances with everyone else but him. In front of him. Abi speaks so brazenly, leaking crazy information to Carter that she should shut up about. Pete pulls Abi aside to talk game and she gets pissy, per usual. The reward group talk about the "evil three" and that maybe they should take out that group of douches. While Lisa likes this, in theory, she also knows she could beat any of those jerks. And Lisa decides to get sneaky: she suggests to Michael Skupin that they take out Penner next, then essentially force Pete to keep Michael in the fold because Malcolm has the hidden immunity idol (and Tandang can blindside him).

And so comes time for the Immunity Challenge, which Penner needs to desperately win. Survivors will need to retrieve puzzle pieces (I KNOW) as the weave up and down and untie ropes in an obstacle course. It's one of those tiered ones that only the top three from the main round move on. Pete, Jeff, and Penner move to the final round of putting together the stupid snake puzzle. And so, of course, the guy who needs immunity the most wins immunity as it always happens on this show. I swear to god Blair Warner, you better not ruin my pre-show winner prediction yet.

Penner's immunity obviously throws a wrench into everything, so it's time to make a new plan. Michael Skupin is the easiest and most obvious choice for them since the plan is get rid of a returning player. Desperate to save her buddy Michael, Lisa tells Pete about Malcolm's idol and pleads to blindside Malcolm. Pete confronts Malcolm about having the Matsing idol, which he denies but clearly makes a face when Pete says Lisa told him. But Pete buys Malcolm's acting ability, suggesting instead to take out Jeff. Malcolm also heads to camp to deny to all he has an idol and rally the troops for Jeff. Lisa gets wind of the Pete/Malcolm meetup, worried that Pete dimed her out (he did, but denies) and to get more info. Aw Lisa, you tried. Pete has a little interview talking about masterminding, but maybe he's not in the know. When Jeff gets wind that his name has been thrown out, he approaches Malcolm to form a group of six to take out Pete instead. Malcolm isn't even confident so he scrambles to pack up his idol just in case. Ahh tribe disarray!

Tribal time! Malcolm brings up Lisa throwing him under the bus, surprising Probst who is holding back everything to not reveal she was a teen star. Lisa blabs it all about the entire plan about Penner, trying to save Skupin by taking out Malcolm. So much for mystery. Tandang is upset that Malcolm was apparently not in their alliance, which means Abi blurts out too much as she always done. Lisa openly tells all Malcolm does have the hidden immunity idol and since he's tired of the chaos, pulls out his idol. Malcolm is safe and playing it tonight so deal with it. And when probed again about idols, Abi just whips hers out too. Because she doesn't think at all. "This is awesome," chuckles Penner. Penner makes one last plea to the potential six about creating an alliance. Lisa also tries to show her loyalty, put the past behind, and make a majority. But Pete is like, "It's probably me!" Then Jeff says he is, pointing out so are Malcolm, Lisa... everyone! WTF is going on? The votes are cast. Malcolm doesn't play his idol (brilliant psych-out!). It's a crazy tight vote too but Jeff is elimination with 5 votes (4 for Pete, 1 for Abi). Oh man, shit's cray!

November 4, 2012

Reality Rundown: Always Clean Your Pockets Before Laundry

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Philippines

The Amazing Race - The first clue is a Roadblock to weigh out wood on a balance scale, constructing the scale and then having to balance the wood against rocks.  Yaaay fun times.  James and Abba had a considerable lead thanks to the Fast Forward from last week, which is the only positive thing happening since James gets word that his father's cancer is stage four.  The twinnies really rock the task, which surprises the others considering it's a girl.  Struggling the most is Brent who is so far behind others pass him, leaving him the lone person at the Roadblock as he begins to stress out and dehydrate.

Once the Roadblock is completed, there's a Detour.  The choice is to untangle jute to put into a machine to manufacture a bag or collect and deliver bamboo.  Most teams choose the bamboo, though Abbie and Ryan tackle the jupe.  Natalie and Nidya almost take out a few locals with the long bamboo poles.  The only interesting thing that happens is Chippendales forgets a few bamboo poles, so they get screwed and have to go back. That's the only interesting thing in this extremely boring episode.  I fast forwarded through a lot because it was such a snooze.

Because they were hours ahead, James and Abba are team #1.  They also win a trip to Malaysia, so good news for a team that got some crappy news that day.  Abbie and Ryan come in second, which is great but disappointing to them as they wanted to beat Rachel and Dave's victory leg record.  Eventhoug Jaymes and James, the Chippendales dudes, have their bamboo falter they are not the last place team.  Josh and Brent are the last to arrive but, as my mom pointed out, there hasn't been a non-elimination episode yet and they are spared.

Survivor: Philippines -  Boats come to deliver news to the two tribes: merge! They hop onto the boats after getting ten minutes to ransack camp for stuff and get on the ship of destiny.  A feast awaits at the new camp as the tribes celebrate coming together.  It also gives everyone a moment to ponder backstabbing their current alliances as soon as possible.

On a new beach the men get to building the shelter so Lisa decides to do women's work and hang the laundry out to dry.  When Lisa goes to hang up Malcolm's flannel, she notices it's preeeetty heavy because there's an immunity idol in it.  Malcolm realizes Lisa's discovery so they have a private chat.  She assures him she truly didn't mean to do it, but since she knows Malcolm decides to bring Lisa into the fold with him and Denise.  Malcolm's concern isn't trust, it's that both women could beat him.  Lisa is happy for the promise but also knows everyone is acting on this island.  Speaking on acting, Penner also recognizes that Lisa is a former Facts of Life star.  Lisa is actually loving this undercover "star" thing because people are liking her for her and not for being a fabulous bitch character with bouncy hair.  On the outs of their former tribe, Michaek Skupin and RC consider making new alliances, perhaps with Penner.  Jeff Kent is on the other side rallying the troops to get rid of returning players, so the idea is to split the votes evenly between Penner and RC, hedging the bets with the immunity idol.

The new big ol' tribe meets up with Probst to catch a glimpse of the new individual immunity idol.  In this challenge, they'll hold a handle attached by rope to a bucket in an endurance battle.    BTW, Probst is rocking a teeny dirt 'stache.  Skupin drops firsts, followed by Pete (but I think he dropped out intentionally).  There's male and female immunity, with Denise snagging the lady prize first.  Finally a tribal where Denise can semi-relax.  Artis, Jeff, and Carter are the final three fellas holding on.  Once Artis drops out, Jeff whispers he'd owe Carter one if he (Carter) would drop out.  Instead Jeff drops and Carter wins immunity.

RC is blissfully unaware of her status within former Kalabaw, thinking her and Mike are part of a solid six (LOLOLOL U IDIOT).  Skupin, on the other hand, knows he's screwed because he's not close with Kalabaw and he's a returning player.  Skupin approaches Jeff about an alliance, but Jeff's hesitation is keeping Penner around and Penner outlasting him.  Jeff Kent is really the swing (since he controls Carter) as he has the choice of joining Tandang and take out Penner (but they're the bottom of the totem pole) or keeping Penner and Skupin against his no-veterans policy.

Tribal time!  Tandang lights their torches for the very first time, which is impressive and record-breaking.  Denise also gets props for being someone who has been to literally every single Tribal Council which is a kinda more awesome thing.  So RC brushes off the tiffs previously had at Tandang, until Abi Maria openly says RC betrayed her trust and they've moved along from trusting her.  Abi tells all about what shenanigans went down with that stupid immunity idol clue thing.  Other topics include past tribe alliances and numbers, returning players, and the potential shifts that the outliers could cause in alliances.  The tribe votes and Probst drops his usual immunity idol question.  It's usually left with a lingering pause that ends with nothing, but Penner decides to play his idol.  It's a completely wise move because the votes come pouring out for Penner, with the other votes for Pete and RC.  But as we know, the votes were split and RC becomes the first person on the jury.

October 28, 2012

Reality Rundown: Rice, Rice, Baby

The Amazing Race - All teams are equalized when they travel to Dhaka, Bangladesh for the next leg of the race. After navigating the chaotic shitshow of the streets (traffic be damned!) the teams face a Roadblock where they have to repair a bus by spackling putty and transporting seats. When Ryan literally sweats through his clue, he offers to assist Chippendales in exchange for a peek at the clue. Speaking of, I know I should think Chippendales is annoying but god I love them. They have personalities in a race of annoyances (AKA the twinnies constant cheering).  Teams then have to dig through a smelly bag of dead fish for a red/yellow race colored fish, which allows them to retrieve the Detour. This week's options are to beat a hot iron rod into a sharp tool or beat clumps and stuff them into a mattress.

James and Abba (long hair, don't care) are team #1 this week after completing the Fast Forward of cleaning dead rats off the streets. Well deserved good sirs. A common problem this leg is crappy cabs, in particular getting dropped at the wrong location to catch a riverboat to the Pit Stop. This confusion creates semi-suspense, but ultimately Gary and Will get eliminated. Goodbye big and little!

Survivor: Philippines - It's a brawl for this week's reward challenge which is for three players from each tribe to push a big-ass wicker ball into a goal while the other tribe beats the crap out of them. I love a good mudded-up wrestling brawl, but this is boring. Everyone is pretty much even with nothing moving. Just a lot of attempts to but failing because of tugging (near the groin area if you're Jonathan). And so literally they stand there holding on, not moving, for over an hour. Ummm I think you were supposed to beat the crap out of each other not create a makeshift endurance competition. Since there's a standstill, Jonathan suggests Kalabaw gets the win and all the good grub and they'll give Tandang the rest of their rice. It's Artis' birthday and he doesn't want to miss out on a birthday feast so he's testy, but Michael Skupin (and sorta Pete) give this deal the OK. Tandang gets Kalabaw's rice and Kalabaw gets soup, sandwiches, potato chips and brownies AKA the stuff your company orders for a business meeting over lunch. So eat up because it's 24 hours you're starving.

Kalabaw doesn't seem to regret the choice, happily shoving sandwiches and brownies down their gullets. Penner insists the next day they'll fish and eat more (BTW, they do and it's two teeny fish), but everyone knows in a few days without rice they'll be in trouble. But the hesitation is dissuaded a little when they find envelopes with letters from home. A bit early isn't it? I guess it's never too early for good ol' fashioned Survivor sobbing. "Better than food," they say and I laugh. In 24 hours they'll be eating their letters for sustenance.

Tandang's rice stock increases a little, which is good since they were running low because Michael Skupin eats the rice raw (like chicken feed), claiming it'll cook inside his belly. Holy shizz, that is the dumbest thing I've ever. Artis is pissed that they didn't win the reward, because Michael Skupin basically accepted a crap deal (but others sort of agreed to it). Artis commends Penner on a brilliant move and realizes he better STFU before shooting himself in the foot any more with a tantrum. Some try to be optimistic about getting more rice, while other negative people (Abi, surprise!) whine about it. RC decides to shut up and hopefully let the Negative Nancys implode and get themselves voted off.

In this week's immunity challenge, one tribe member slingshots balls out to a field and their tribe has to catch five to win. Skupin and Abi sit out to make the tribes even and it gives another moment for Abi to complain. Probst makes sure to point out Katie is a waste on Kalabaw, not at allll swaying people's opinions. Carter is also a pretty sucky member of Kalabaw, but only his tribe points that out. The best moment is Malcolm catching the winning ball for Tandang against Jeff Kent. Probst slightly slips saying that Malcolm makes the catch "even against Jeff," though they don't notice.

Kalabaw's heading back to Tribal Council and the most likely candidate to go is weak Katie. However, there's some thoughts about getting Penner out pre-merge to make sure a returning player doesn't win. Plus he has an idol they could wipe out. Carter proves to be the dumbest person ever, turning to Penner to ask him who they should vote out, "Katie or Penner? I mean... Denise." Penner doesn't seem to catch the slip and adds onto the fact that Katie needs to go. Katie is paranoid and thinks Penner is gunning for her, so she starts to plant the Penner-elimination seed. So it's up to Jeff and that dingaling Carter to make a decision. At Tribal Council, Katie acknowledges her crappy status as the weak one. Jeff says that every vote is going to be a blindside cause they're all buds. Probst drops another obvious bomb to try to blow Jeff Kent's professional ballplayer status. That seems to be crossing a line in terms of game ethics, but that's just me. Despite an entire Tribal Council yapping about the potential of a blindside, Penner doesn't play his hidden immunity idol. The good news for Penner is that he isn't the blindside; Katie is gets eliminated.

October 21, 2012

Reality Rundown: And a Smootch for Jeff Probst

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Philippines

The Amazing Race - The third leg of the race stays in Indonesia but the stakes are high as a Double U-Turn lies ahead. But first, there's a Road Block for one teammate to balance and serve twenty plates of Padang food all at once, unable to drop any of it. Hope the show is paying the restaurant well with all the broken bowls. Of course Chippendales dude knows how to wait tables because, shocker, before wiggling his junk for a living he waited tables.

Teams next travel via train where they can hardly rest, as vendors walking through the aisles have the next clue with them. There's a huge gap between the trains, with the twins narrowly missing the first train, meaning the back of the pack will be three hours behind the frontrunners. The frontrunners agree not to U-Turn each other but Team "Long Hair Don't Care" are sitting elsewhere, so their decision is up in the air. Oh wait they're pretty chill so of course they won't do anything.

A Detour awaits after the train and it's like a wait did you say get my head set on fire kind of challenge? So teams can either light a coconut on fire, place on their head and cook an egg or parade and dance down the street with a big ass, insanely heavy lion mask. As you watch the teams perform the lion mask parade it gives me the vibes of a really sad parade at a Six Flags, like 18 notches below a Disney parade. Cooking eggs on your head is kind of ridic and a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It's also fun to see a local rip a coconut open with his team.

After the Detour that the teams encounter the Double U-Turn kiosk and that's when big decisions must be made. This is the anonymous Double U-Turn which means you can eff someone over in a cowardly way. As they promised, none of the frontrunners U-Turn anyone especially since it's not needed since they are hours ahead. Abbie and Ryan are team #1 and win a trip to Fiji, making this a second victory and already showing their potential great chances at the $2 million. The Monster Truckers Rob and Kelley U-Turn Gary and Will, the big and little BFFs. Gary and Will find out they've been U-Turned stupidly U-Turn Rob and Kelley, who have since checked into the Pit Stop. Lucky for them, Caitlin and Brittany have a terrible driver that knows no directions, getting them terribly lost. The teams end up in a pedicab drag racerace girls until the girls' cart chooses the wrong side at a fork in the road. Gary and Will check in ninth and Brittany and Caitlin, who I didn't know were in this race until they earlier screamed about money with a cabbie, are eliminated.

Survivor: Philippines - With a reward challenge coming, and the possibly of Denise and Malcolm getting sent to other tribes, they start immunity idol hunting. They keep overlooking the top of the rice basket until they tilt it over and the idol falls off the top. So now they're in better shape unless they get split apart.  Sho' nuff, at the reward challenge Matsing is officially killed off and they are sent to other tribes. Malcolm goes to Tandang and Denise to Kalabaw, bringing it back to a classic two tribe Survivor. The reward challenge is to battle head-to-head to knock off the other person's idol. It's I guess entertaining but I only paid attention when Dawson tried to pull Abi's hair to win. Girl fight! Malcolm missed his first time, but second time he beats Jeff and finally feels the taste of victory. Tandang wins reward in the form of coffee, tea, muffins, cookies- it's an Au Bon Pain feast!

Tandang celebrates victory with a mouthful of sweets, and Malcolm is already trying to find a crack to fit into to make sure he isn't cut immediately. RC saw some hope to buddy up with Malcolm, but Pete gets his hooks into him first. RC is all alone- waaah. Pete is relieved they can get rid of Michael, telling Malcolm they also have the idol (Malcolm keeps his idol a secret). It's hilarious to see everyone kissing Malcolm's butt when in past seasons a new tribemate was the first new target.

Denise sees herself as needing to survive week-by-week and the girls are happy for a little more estrogen to pull into the three lady alliance. Problem is Dana is feeling pretty sick: dizzy, nauseus, dehydrated, shooting stomach pains, and crying into a cave wall. Trying to warm her up, they recommend what I'll always call the Voyage of the Mimi move to get naked and snuggle under a blanket. Medical is called in to help the ailing Dana. The doctors basically give her twelve hours to get hydrated and back to normal. Because it's not life-threatening she's not an automatic pull. It's up to Dana to choose between staying or leaving the game: writhing in pain, Dana chooses to leave the game. Pretty sucky and Jonathan knows her pain because the same happened to him. Sorry ladies alliance, you're back to even!

Even with one out, there is still an immunity challenge and Tandang is shocked to see Kalabaw arrive with six members instead of seven. This week's challenge is an obstacle course, undo ropes to drop and cross a drawbridge and retrieve, what else, puzzle pieces. I understand wanting a mix of brains vs. brawns but holy shit, enough puzzles. Tandang beats Kalabaw by literally a second meaning Kalabaw is losing another tribemember is this suckfest of a few days.

Kalabaw now gets to experience Tribal Council after a few easy days of Matsing losing a shitload. Katie's definitely a target for being slow and crappy at the challenge, and she knows it. Denise is still concerned she could be the target being the newbie, so she shakes on an alliance to be the fourth with Jeff, Jonathan, and Connor because she's much stronger than Dawson or Katie. Dawson is on the radar too for being bad at challenges. But with Dawson making Jeff squirm, making obvious hints at Jeff's life as a professional baseball player, her target grows bigger. At their first Tribal Council, we get the usual convos that happen when a team loses the first time: challenge performance. While a positive attitude in the rain seems like a great selling point, it doesn't work out for Dawson and she's first Kalabaw member officially voted out of the game. But she gives Probst a hug and a cheek kiss so a winner in my mind.