January 31, 2012

The Bachelor: The One Where Ben Dresses Like the Old Man in Jurassic Park

1/31/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 5

Next stop in the Ben-wants-to-get-laid-televised-event is Puerto Rico (Whore-to Rico?). Everyone gets a date this week so no one can bitch and whine: one group date, two one-on-one dates.

The first date card is in Spanish and it tells Nicki she'll find a new love in old San Juan. I hope "new love" in removing that neon yellow nail polish. I'm a polish aficionado and that color is horrible. Her nail polish is almost as vibrant as her multi-color dress. I love color too but damn girl, simmer. But after all my shitting on Nicki, IT'S A HELICOPTER DATE!!! Nicki is excited to be with Ben and do things she's never done before... like each snow cones. The outside walking date is a rain-out so they dash around the streets barefoot until the rain stops. Because they are soaked, they stop in a store to buy the most authentic duds. This means Ben dresses as a Puerto Rican guy from 1967 or John Hammond of Jurassic Park. They sit outside a church where a wedding is happening, gawk, and talk about wedding shit. Or second wedding shit cause Nicki is divorced. Later they dine in the rainforest and talk about Nicki's marriage and how it ended. Ben feels a connection with Nicki and gives her a rose and some kissin'.

On his second Puerto Rican excursion, Ben and his harem go to the Roberto Clemente Stadium for a "diamonds are a girl's best friend" date. Cue the dunces being bummed that it doesn't involve free jewelry. Many of the girls are quite athletic, though it's no A League of their Own. Chris Harrison shows up with a megaphone and has trade hand motions of just opening and closing his arms. The date will only continue this evening for the team that wins the baseball game. Because there are nine girls, one girl gets to be on both teams and is guaranteed to get to be on the date later; Ben chooses Lindzi. There's a lot of runs scored because 1. Ben's a sucky pitcher and 2. the ladies can't field. The red team (Kacie, Jamie, Courtney, Casey S, and Lindzi) win the game and an evening with Ben. Blakeley is a sore loser and bitches at her team for blowing chances. The girls cry the whole bus ride home and it's fantastic.

A HELICOPTER!!!!! lands in the baseball field parking lot to bring the ladies to the romantic night date. There's a couch and bonfire on the beach and of course some booze. Everyone gets their Ben one-on-one time on the date and Courtney is beginning to notice Ben has feelings for some other girls. Ben and Kacie B have a really nice conversation where he confides the women he's loved have never loved him back. It's very nice and Ben takes her aside another time to give her the rose. I will agree with heinous bitch Courtney on one thing: Kacie B does seem much younger than the rest. Courtney grabs Ben for alone time as soon as he returns from rose-giving. Courtney just wants a bottle of wine and some skinny dipping, giving Ben an immediate semi and something to ponder.

Elyse gets the one-on-one date after kvetching to the group that she's only had one group date the entire time and no other Ben time. Elyse's date to find love "somewhere private" is actually a private mega-yacht which all the girls see and get totally jeal of. This is a make-it-or-break it date since Ben and Elyse's relationship is the slowest grower of them all but he thinks maybe the magic of the sea can help. I can't focus on anything Elyse says because I am transfixed at the dinghy being dragged behind the boat for when Elyse probably gets dumped. Aw boo, she makes it past the boat date for a night dinner date. Dinner is mad awkward and Elyse talks about honesty so Ben decides to be honest. Ben grabs the rose and talks about missed connections, but admits he didn't find what he was looking for today and dumps her. Ben walks Elyse to her dinghy of shame (it's actually a different one than the behind-the-boat dragger). I'm assuming this boat will bring Elyse sobbing back to America, Elian Gonzalez style.

Courtney is so pleased that Ben listens to her (?) and dumped Elyse that she makes good on her promise to Ben. Still in his tux from dumping Elyse, Courtney brings some wine to Ben's room wearing only her robe. They sip wine in his room but Courtney hints they should go to the beach to you know, bare each their privates and get all up in the salt water. Ben's head says no but... well you know the rest. There's an option to go undies but nah, they go full nude, hop in the ocean, and kissing and rub all over each other. This is the closest we'll get to seeing actual sex on this show. The other girls will not be pleased.

Ben feels like a total skeeze the next night after what he did with Courtney considering he's still dating nine other women. Blakelely uses her alone time to pour her soul out to Ben, talking about some list she makes each day of something new she likes about Ben. Her speech may have saved her from getting dumped. As Ben chats up the girls, Courtney brings up skinny dipping and they all talk about how freeing it is; Courtney smugly agrees and chimes in that it's great to skinnydip with someone you care about. She even says she'd love to skinnydip in the Puerto Rico moonlight. Dumb girls. Emily uses her alone time to apologize for using her time last week to ramble about Courtney... then does it all over again. Emily done fucked up again.

The tropical colors of all the dresses at the rose ceremony almost breaks my HD. One girl is getting dumped since Ben already shipped Elyse off on a dinghy. I'm pretty shocked when Ben dumps "best kisser" Jennifer, the redhead, gets dumped. I know the main spoilers this season since I read Reality Steve, but I don't really know the week-by-week. Ya got me there! I thought wouldn't-STFU-about-Courtney Emily would get dumped.

Next week: the other Casey cries a lot after being around Chris Harrison. I completely understand.

January 30, 2012

Honey Nut Cheerios signed by Michael K. Williams AKA Omar Little

1/30/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , , 1 comment
The Wire is hands down the greatest drama series that has ever aired on TV. Yup, I said it- sorry, Lost. A fascinating look at the cops, criminals, politicians, and citizens of Baltimore, The Wire had intricate plot lines, humor, crime, sadness, and some of the best characters and actors. One of the best characters ever: Omar Little, portrayed by Michael K. Williams.

Omar was like the Robin Hood of Baltimore, robbing only the criminals of the city involved in "the game." Omar lived by a strict moral code (no crime on Sundays, it's church day!), doesn't swear, and defies all gangsta stereotypes by being gay. But what I remember Omar most for was his love for Honey Nut Cheerios. If you had cereal and it wasn't Honey Nut, Omar was on his way to the store to get it.

I had always told people my dream was to get a both of Honey Nut Cheerios signed by Michael K. Williams because it would be beyond awesome. And then it happened.

Thanks for the magic of Twitter, Michael K. Williams and Martin Morse helped make that autograph dream come true. I actually tweeted indirectly about my autograph dream once maybe a year ago (how did I not save that!) and Michael saw that tweet and told me to send it. I wasn't sure where to send it, but I was on a mission. Thankfully I tweeted again and Michael put me in touch with Martin. I have no words for how amazing this autograph and how much it means to me, a lover of The Wire, Omar Little, and the acting talents of Michael K. Williams.

To Melissa
A woman's gotta have a code.

Michael K. Williams


The Wire

January 29, 2012

Reality Rundown: Chicken Salad IS Really Boring

1/29/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Biggest LoserTop Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - One hour episode - yessssss. Thank you Mr. President!

The episode kicks off right away with news that Buddy went home for a few days since his wife gave birth; he'll still weigh in. The losers are all gathered together though for a challenge where only the winning team gets to use the gym this week. The challenge is an obstacle course where the teams use a battering ram to knock down doors that are answers to trivia questions. The challenge is beyond boring to watch but the red team wins so Dolvett gets to use the gym. I'm sure Bob will get all pissy.

After the challenge, Santa's wife Chris is crying in the bathroom that she hates it here and wants to quit. Ugh, another quitter? Then don't apply for the show. Bob has to play therapist to try to convince her to stay. Tears and whining ensue but there's no quitting and instead lots of outdoor workouts. On the other hand, Dolvett's team is a bunch of assholes still, particularly Conda, mouthing off constantly. Dolvett puts her in check so Conda comes back with her tail between her legs.

Weigh-in. Buddy returns from the birth of his son. The black team loses 52lbs (2.72%), with everyone doing well except Megan who makes such a weird stank face at her 2lb loss. It's also a decent weight loss considering they didn't have access to fancy gym equipment. The red team is so close to beating black and the producers wisely choose giant turd Conda to be the last to weigh-in and thus get some blame should the red team fail. Conda, however, doesn't fail and loses 10lbs. So Bob's black team has to vote someone off. I assumed Chris, the woman who expressed wanting to quit, would be eliminated by some other older chick Gail gets the boot.

Top Chef: Texas - Cat Cora, who has a new Bravo show coming up, is in the Quickfire kitchen with Padma and Emeril. Padma splits the six into three teams: Grayson/Chris, Paul/Ed, and Lindsay/Sarah. The Quickfire is to test technical precision against the clock which is peeling and deveining shrimp, shucking corn, making fettucini and then with the time left making a dish together. Paul forgets to put the shrimp on the plate, which DQs him and Ed. Grayson and Chris are the winners of the $10,000 prize, despite what appeared to be a bumpy time getting their items prepped.

Elimination challenge: each pair has to compete against each other and create the same dish for a block party for 200 people. Chris/Grayson chose chicken salad and a watermelon salad, Ed/Paul pick Korean BBQ with pickled vegetables, and Sarah/Lindsay do meatballs and vegetable salad. The pairs then learn that they have to actually make healthy versions of their dishes in the most heavy-handed Healthy Choice product placement ever.

Paul makes a turkey kalbi with eggplant and white peach kimchi; Ed makes open face kalbi with kimchi chipotle puree and some pickled shizz. Grayson serves a chicken salad sandwich with arugula on a whole wheat bun, with little mayo; Chris' chicken salad has no mayo and rather a tofu emulsification. Sarah has Calabrese style turkey meatballs made with whole wheat bread; Lindsay goes for a Mediterranean meatball with lamb, veal, and greek yogurt.

Grayson, Paul and Lindsay are called to the judges' table first; they are the winning dishes from the block party based on attendee votes. Grayson is given props for making each sandwich to order, but chastise her for choosing something as lame as chicken salad. Grayson gets really defensive and pissed that a meatball is more exciting than chicken salad. Uh yeah, it is. They love Paul's hot sauce and his use of ground turkey. Lindsay's meatballs had great seasoning. Paul wins another elimination challenge and receives $15,000. Paul, Chris, and Sarah are brought in for their bottom three berating. The use of bread is empty calories and removing the fat from short ribs takes off the good stuff. Chris is commended for healthy choices but since the sandwiches were pre-made, it was all dried out. Sarah's meatballs need less cheese, more fat and the salad didn't have a consistency throughout; but it was moreso a loss because Lindsay's was just better. Chris is eliminated.

January 25, 2012

The Bachelor: Go Fish

1/25/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 4

Ben and the women head to Park City, Utah which seems like the ideal place for polygamous dating to take place. There are two one-on-one dates and one group date. Booo I want a Thunderdome date, for real.

Ben brings Rachel on the first solo date to "let nature take its course." If it's survival of the fittest, Kacie B won't make it cause she's that whiny girl who had the first date and now is desperate for another date. But it's time for Kacie to STFU because... HELICOPTER DATE!!! About GD time. The helicopter lands in the mountains for Ben and Rachel to go on a canoe ride and enjoy a picnic. By enjoy I mean force conversation and sip champagne. Shouldn't the booze make you chatty? Hours later they have another romantic meal in some pelt-covered hut and their banter is awkward and not flowy. Once Rachel opens up about not opening up it's enough for Ben to give her a rose. That and because she's attractive. Ben is transparent. They make "sch'mores" (really Ben?) and kiss.

The group date brings to the wilderness to ride some horses and go fishing. Considering the constant state of drunkenness of these women and their general stupidity, shouldn't these hoes be wearing helmets? The horse ride ends for a wardrobe change to go fly fishing to catch their lunch. Hope someone fishes out a bottle of champagne. The editors must want me to hate Kacie because they devote so much airtime to Kacie's constant pleas for validation. Courtney doesn't care for group dates and makes it her mission to take Ben alone and make it a solo date. Ben doesn't care because he's obsessed with Courtney and their shared love of mustard. Outdoorsy Lindzi tries to weasel her way in but no luck: Courtney catches a fish and makes herself even more almighty in Ben's mind.

The group migrates to a hotel for dranks and there is a pool but it's not on a rooftop. Nicky, who has only been on group dates, is soooo feeling Ben and wants more alone-time, and wisely uses it to talk about her dead boss and seizing the moment. Turns out Ben has a dead-friend story to share too. Then, Samantha interrupts with the no-date scenario and just asks for a solo date to get some time with him to make an impression. Ben appreciates the honesty but thinks group dates are good to observe others and notes she's highly emotional and maybe not even here for him. Burn! Even better, he tells her right away that he doesn't seem them lasting much longer and ends it ON THE DATE. SERVED!!! Ben has to explain to the girls what happened and reiterates he is taking this very seriously and they should be too. Kacie eventually gets her reassurance alone time so maybe she'll shut her fucking mouth now. Courtney whines about having to share a date with others and claims it's hurt her opinion of their relationship. Get this: Ben runs off to get the rose and give it to Courtney as an apology and reassurance. Then she uses Charlie Sheen catchphrases and ugh, die bitch.

Best-kisser Jennifer gets the other solo date to "pick our love song." Another private concert? Ughhhh. But first, Ben and Jennifer climb over a fence with a No Trespassing sign and encounter a bigass crater in the ground. They get harnessed up, lower themselves into the crater and then drop into the water. Belly/butt flop! They spend the evening eating a romantic outdoor dinner that gets thwarted by the rain. Ben wasn't really sure if they had a romantic vibe but the date helped so Jennifer gets a rose. They makeout on a ski lift ride and come upon a Clay Walker concert with a fake crowd of townies and Ben/Jennifer standing high above them in the crowd.

The cocktail party begins to bring out the cattiness as the process goes on. The elephant in the room: Ben doesn't seem to notice Courtney is an asshole. Emily seems most bothered by Courtney, comparing her to a beautiful, cold, hard marble sculpture. Emily decides she has to be the person to point out Courtney is a different person around the girls. Ben asks Emily to not read into things and tells her it will only lead to her own demise. Someone has watched many an-episode! Except if Ben watched the show he'd know that when the girl is an asshole, your relationship won't work. Some other Casey I have never seen before relays to Courtney what Emily told Ben; Courtney half brushes it off, half curses Emily out in front of the group. Emily begins to realize maaaaybe she made a mistake using her alone time to talk smack and the verbal smackdown she got doesn't help. Lucky for Emily, Ben lets her buttinski nature slide this week and it's Monica who is eliminated.

Next week: Courtney continues to be a megabitch in Puerto Rico.

January 23, 2012

Reality Rundown: Dolvett's Team are Jerks

1/23/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Biggest LoserTop Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - A Temptation lies ahead in a room filled with Chinese food. Besides the crab rangoon, fortune cookies, and lo mein I'd pass on all that ish. This week will be face-off week where each team will put a person head-to-head against them, and the winner of the Temptation will get the make the decision. Winner also gets a 2lb advantage to either keep or split. Bigger twist: if no one eats or if it's a tie, they automatically face off against their loved one partner. Eeeeevil. The red team decide together to not eat anything. The black team decides to eat one fortune cookie and no one wants to eat the THIRTY CALORIES. Cassandra steps up and eats two fortune cookies. Cassandra gets the power and the 2lb advantage. I love the red team bitching about the black team being weak but it's like 60 calories and they didn't want to compete directly against a loved one sooo STFU.

Joe, whose brother was the dick that got eliminated last week, packs up his suitcase and decides to leave campus. His team is not happy but he wants his family. Bob is not happy to see his black team is short a member, giving a weird confused face and wishing it was a joke. Bob calls Joe at home, and BTW there is a camera crew with Joe, and is not happy and worries Joe might not have learned enough to finish the journey at home. But whatever, back to the gym to focus on the people that want to be there in a very tough week of battles.

There is of course a challenge, which is to pump water, transport it through an obstacle course, and melt an ice cube with a prize envelope inside. Slightly different, the trainers are involved in the event helping their teams stay on track. The red team wins the challenge, even if Santa Roy almost blew it by not hearing them. The prize inside is video chats with their family- not surprising. Some of the red team members give up their videos so members of the black family can have them. Mark gave his video to Chism since he's young and has a girlfriend and mom to chat to, so in turn Buddy gives his video to Mark. Aww.

After the tears from videos and last chance work-outs, the weigh-in commences. Since Joe forfeited and quit the show, old lady Nancy wins one point immediately for the red team. The the black team starts to get some points. Lauren lets the red team down a bit with a mere 3lb loss. The biggest showdown is annoying red team bitch Conda vs. Subway sandwich winner Cassandra; Cassandra demolishes Conda and brings the victory point to the black team. Santa Roy has the highest percentage of weight loss so is immune, but before they depart Dolvett gives them a pep talk to let them know he can and will push them more. The votes come to old, weak Nancy or Lauren, a young girl with no screen time but I guess has a stable home to return to. Lauren gets eliminated and I truly had no idea who she was until tonight so goodbye girl I didn't know existed.

Top Chef: Texas - The silver fox chef Eric Ripert is the guest judge at this week's Quickfire which is to grab three ingredients from a conveyer belt to make a dish. The catch is the longer you wait, the better the items but then time to cook is less. Some people, like Ed and Beverly, take ingredients right away while Chris, Lindsay and Sarah wait around a while. The winner of the Quickfire is Lindsay who made a bouillabaise and wins immunity. Beverly would've won if she remembered to put the damn Rice Krispies treats on the plate. Story of our lives, huh readers?

The Elimination Challenge is to make a dish for a queen: Charlize Theron who is playing the Evil Queen in Snow White and the Huntsman. This product placement challenge is to make a seven course gothic meal which means everyone is thinking of what would look repulsed and murdered. Bloody handprints, maggots, dead birds- truly mouth watering. The dishes are actually quite inventive and delicious, despite the grotesque overall theme. The judges are totally wowed but the meal and consider it one of the best they've had on the show.

Judges Table. The panel loved Sarah's amarone risotto in red wine. Lindsay's scallop over stew with dragon bean was creative and reminded them of something a witch would brew in her pot. Ed's black and white sauces had a lot of depth. Chris had dessert with some smoke and fog that was the perfect amount of sweet. Beverly's seared halibut is perfectly cooked and the rice not coconuty. Grayson used a creepy black chicken which was a stunning visual effect, especially when the claw still on. Paul's bloody hand print was cool, but his enchanted forest sort of salad tasted great too, and Paul wins the challenge and gets tickets to the movie premiere. The bottom are Sarah, Beverly and Grayson and while they did well, someone has to go home so it's down to severe nitpicking. It's at long last the end of Beverly and since was so close to immunity, it's a suckier feeling.

January 17, 2012

The Bachelor: Get Off Your High Hearse

1/17/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 3

The hangovers of Sonoma are left behind for the next round of dates in San Francisco. If Ben's group date isn't re-enacting the Full House opening credits I'm fucking done. Oh but Ben's sister lives in San Fran so it's an early season family pow wow.

For his first San Fran romp, Emily and Ben go climbing. Climbing the Bay Bridge! It looks sort of like the Golden Gate Bridge except not red and not as awesome, but I guess climbing to the top of the bridge hasn't been done before right? Oh wait, Oprah and her fans did it in Australia so Oprah did it first. Ok, so it's pretty impressive, Emily's scared, Ben makes Top Gun references, and a telescope is coincidentally in the hotel room so that the women could find them on the date. To help her get to the top, Ben gives Emily like the tiniest kiss ever and it's such a motivator that they scream and make it. Later they romantically dine on a pier overlooking that now puny bridge. Emily tells her horrible dating back story: she was on an online dating site, filled out the questionnaire and a top result was her brother. Best story ever. Guess what: I actually like a contestant on this show! I like Emily and so does Ben cause he gives her a rose, they kiss, and actual fireworks shoot off.

Group date time and hopefully this time it doesn't involved decolletage bopping around in front of children. This date comes straight from Ben's "leap list" is to ski down a hill in San Francisco while also promoting the 2012 Honda CR-V. But wait, it's a comfy 69 degrees everyday how is this possible? Oh because the show shuts down a street and covers it in snow and ice! Ok show, this is an impressive date. But since it IS nice out, everyone skiis in bikinis just like the trailer for Aspen Extreme. It's fun to watch because Casey B can't ski and ends up coming down the hill bass-ackwards and bumping into the sides.

Meanwhile, Brittney gets the next solo date and even a necklace to rock. I seriously thought Horse Girl Lindzi would get the date because she didn't have a date last week. You know who else is surprised? Brittney who is upset, confused and doesn't want the date which is odd. Brittney isn't comfortable with the circumstances of the situation, you know having a dude tongue-slobber 25 girls, and because her heart's not in it, Brittney packs up her suitcase and goes to find Ben to deliver the news.

The bikini ski slopes wind down and Ben and his hoes go to some sweet restaurant with an indoor like Tiki pool or some shit. I don't know but I bet it has delicious Mai Tais. At some point Casey B pulls Ben aside and they just walk down the street with their dranks. Is that even legal? This isn't New Orleans. But they make out a lot. As Ben is getting his drank and talk on, Brittney comes downstairs, luggage in tow, and lets Ben know she doesn't want the one-on-one wasted but she needs to leave. Ben is a bit stunned and delivers the news to the other girls. He's stunned but not too phased so he gives Rachel the group date rose.

With a solo date leftover, horse girl Lindzi gets the solo date which to me just means the show knew exactly what the plan was and made a great storyline. It's so obvious Ben was never interested in Brittney anyways and a solo date would've been more suited to Lindzi, who he immediately clicked with. I hope the date is to scrub all the self tanner and cakey foundation off of Lindzi's face, but it's instead an exploration of San Francisco at night. Will be harder to see the humongous homeless popular in the dark- bummer! Ben and Lindzi catch a trolley car to get a huge taste of San Francisco- Rice-A-Roni factory tour?? Close- ice cream! Ben lives in San Fran so he really wants to remain there and have a woman who can love the city like he does. The trolley drops them at San Francisco City Hall, which Ben has a super secret key to, and enter to the grand staircase to find a private concert by Matt Nathanson (WHO???). After, they grab dinner and drinks in a speakeasy with bookshelves that lead to private rooms. I want to go there. Lindzi tells Ben the story of her famous text dumping, which it turns out is a Simpsons reference as someone told me on Twitter. Deep down, you know Ben is laughing hysterically on the inside. But he does really like Lindzi and they have a nice vibe; Ben gives her a rose and then they play pianos.

A mysterious car is driving over the Bay Bridge talking to Chris Harrison on speakerphone (I almost typed speakerwhore and I like that better) saying she's on her way, her and Ben have talked before and Ben is going to totally fall in love with her. Someone's gonna fuck up this rose ceremony and that someone in... mortician Shawntel who fell for Brad when he was the overly apologetic Bachelor and she'd like to take a chance at getting Ben to date her. Chris Harrison explains the cocktail party has started and she'll need to walk right in there and get his attention.

So much for the drama-free night the ladies toasted to then. Ben flirts with ginger Jen (it's more auburn) and he says she's the best kisser thus far, but they've kept their smooches secret. Well until others can clearly see them. As the other women try to make their bond with Ben, Courtney talks shit about how she hates everyone. We get it Courtney (though you're totally spot on that Blakeley is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with). The ladies aren't pleased with Courtney's shithead behavior and are sure Ben's not aware of her bitchiness. Doesn't matter because Ben is so into Courtney and while he has good banter with the other girls, he makes a goofy smile around her. As Ben talks to some girl I have never seen before (her name is apparently Elyse), Shawntel the lady in red just strolls through the party and everyone's like "Who is that stranger walking through the hotel room?" They assume it's an ex-girlfriend back to win the winemaker's heart.

Ben is completely shocked to see Shawntel, far more shocked than Brittney quitting the show. The ladies begin to realize it's not Ben's ex but rather Brad the downer's fourth-place ex. Shawntel explains she was upset to know he was the Bachelor because they talked before and felt they had something, so she's here to give it a shot and if he wants to try, give her a rose. Ben is shocked but hopes the women will be "gracious and welcoming." LOLOLOL. Rando girl Elyse is like "But you don't know Ben you were on Brad's season!!" You didn't know him either until a week ago, trick. Queen bitch Courtney is like, if he gives her a rose I'll quit and then attempts to cry; stick to modeling, your acting blows. The women are pissed and wonder why a person from another season can just come on the show. Guess these women don't realize this show is fixed and set up. Kudos to Nicki for the "Shawntel rode in on her high HEARSE" pun.

Chris Harrison makes the announcement that the cocktail party is over and it's rose ceremony time. Ben ponders whether Shawntel is worth giving a shot to; the women claim they'll quit if he gives Shawntel a rose (they won't). Everyone is crying like crazy the whole rose ceremony which is beyond weird. Ben prepares to make his final rose speech and Erika, the goddess in the teal dress with gold chain sleeves, faints and hyperventilates. I guess this overshadows Jaclyn, the girl sobbing, "I'm getting dumped for a girl he's known five minutes?" Erika, then falls back down after getting officially dumped. The final rose doesn't go to Shawntel or Jaclyn either. Everyone shoves glasses of water at Erika, Jaclyn's sobbing in the bathroom, and the women are rejoicing that Shawntel's gone. Ben explains to Shawntel he's flattered but it's just not fair, which Shawntel cries about in her interview.

January 15, 2012

Reality Rundown: Restaurant Bores

1/15/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Biggest LoserTop Chef: Texas

The Biggest Loser - Samantha Gene Brady comes to the kitchen to give some insight into the week. The person with the highest weight loss on the winning team can give immunity to a player on the other team, a huge incentive. But first, two team captains from each team have to follow Ali into another room. Black team sends Joe/Emily , red sends Kim/Kimmy. There is a chance to win a 5lb advantage for their team by gambling how much they expect their team weight loss to be and the highest bet wins. Then (ugh, long rules) that highest bet team must lose that amount to get the 5lb advantage or the other team wins it. Red bets 3.8% which is 94lbs or 10 1/2lbs per person. Worst bet ever and of course black doesn't try to top them. Kimmy is laughing that they intimidated them which is dumb because it's that they set a totally unrealistic goal for week two for a kind of older aged team but maybe Dolvett's team will triumph again. The rest of the red team? Not so happy. Dolvett? Not loving it, considers Kim/Kimmy worst gamblers ever.

After initial workouts and a Dr. H visit that is luckily interrupted by a Mitt Romney New Hampshire primary thingy, there's a challenge at a pier. The challenge is for a prize of the Biggest Loser meal plan for six months once they get home which will definitely help keep up healthy eating once they get home. The teams have to turn an anchor wheel to lift puzzle pieces and solve a puzzle (giant team photo) and then raise the puzzle up. Seriously, did the Survivor people consult on this season? The black team wins the challenge and gets their meals on wheels for fatties.

Hey remember the aqua team siblings that got eliminated because, you wouldn't believe it, they were out-of-shape? Well back in Chicago and nutritionist from the ranch comes to visit them at home to help teach them the tricks. Don't worry everyone, we DO get Jennie-O product placement to make turkey breakfast burritos.

Workouts, workouts, workouts, Dolvett graffitis the wall, emotional chats... which I fast forward through because I reeeally want to start Dance Moms. Kim, the red team big mouth who made the terrible bet, only loses 3lbs. Haha idiot. Kimmy, the other shitty gambler, loses 4lbs. So... don't go to Vegas with these two schmos. The rest of the team continues to lose not even close to 10lbs a person so of course the red teams fails in the overall task (2.09%), but at least they are losing weight. Black team gets the 5lb advantage and has to lose over 48lbs to beat the red team. Since it's week two, a typically weak week, black team isn't getting huge numbers either. Bob's team is able to pull the victory (2.22%) thanks to 8lbs loss by Jizzum, I mean Chism, and the 5lb advantage.

The person on the black team with the highest percentage of weight loss is Chris who gives immunity to her husband Roy aka Santa Claus. The red team heads to deliberate aka cry a lot and someone sacrifices themself. Mike is pointed out to be the laziest at last chance workout; we saw him earlier get a Dolvett therapy time talking about his on-ranch partner being the half brother he didn't meet until age 12. Mike thinks Kim's dumb bet should get her eliminated over him. In the voting room, Mike's snacking behavior, need for breaks, chewing tobacco, and shitty attitude becomes a hot topic. I don't recall ever seeing a heated vote-out like this before. Mike gets the necessary five votes and is eliminated and expresses he felt like a loner. This goes on for far too long, delaying my Dance Moms experience.

Top Chef: Texas
- I cannot begin to tell you how bored I am with this season and that it took me three days to even turn this episode on. This week is the week everyone is typically excited for: Restaurant Wars. This twist year is that it's a battle of the sexes and they'll be dining in each other's restaurants (a two-day affair).

Canteen, the men's restaurant, opens on night one with a rustic mess hall sort of feel. Their service is a mess since no decisions were made before regarding expediting the food and the servers are morons. The first course is a Thai style crab and shrimp salad and a ham and pork pate with a fried egg. Second course, the main dishes, are poached salmon in warm totato water, clams, salmon skin and tomatillo jam and a crispy pork belly with green apple and sweet potato puree. To wrap up the meal, desserts are an Almond Joy cake with banana coconut puree and malted chocolate mousse and cracker jacks with peanut butter ice cream.

The women name their restaurant Half Bushel; insert "bush" joke here. Seating customers becomes completely backed up because Lindsay refuses to only work front of the house and keeps going back to the kitchen. Then the kitchen backs up. First course served is a peach salad with pickled shallots, candied pistachios and bacon vinaigrette and a mozzarella filled arancino (risotto ball) with a sweet and sour eggplant and celery salad. Main course are braised short ribs with a potato puree and apple slaw and grilled halibut with Spanish chorizo and a fennel and sherry salad. The meal is completed with a schaum torte with vanilla meringue and champagne berries and hazelnut cream Italian donuts with banana sugar glaze (OMG I WANT THOSE NOW). The night is completed by having Lindsay go into the kitchen and bitch that Bev ruined her halibut when I say if you have a hard dish, don't run front of the house.

Half Bushel wins Restaurant Wars, despite the horrible service Lindsay did as front-of-the-house. The only critique is that Lindsay's halibut was slightly overcooked, likely making her blood boil. The best dish winner is Beverly for her short ribs, and she wins a 3 liter bottle of wine and a trip to tour a vineyard. The men get their critique which is that the judges and diners both disliked the cuisine. Ty-Lor's Thai dish lacked any Thai flavoring. Seasoning is the biggest critique across the board. They are also critiqued for a sloppy presentation, lack of coconut, and soggy croutons. The judges think all should go home, but it's Ty-Lor that gets sent packin'.

January 11, 2012

The Bachelor: Prince Pinot Just Wants to Smush His Grapes

1/11/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 2

Ben and all his ladies are brought to Sonoma to get their crunk on at the vineyard they'll be staying at.

Kacie B., a 24 year old administrative assistant, receives the first date card and she proclaims herself the luckiest girl alive. Ben picks Kacie up in his mediocre Jeep (the most realistic car on this show ever) and gives her a tour of Sonoma. Why are there no people on the streets of Sonoma except four people hanging out the front door of a bar? After looting a candy store Kacie "coincidentally" finds a worn-in, beat up, tattered tape baton and twirls for him. They share a romantic dinner together talking about Ben's history in the town, his dad, and his passion for NoCal. He's digging Kacie and could see her fitting in the town so he gives her a rose and a kiss. Ben teases something another surprise: a private movie showing lame-ass home movies of Kacie B and Ben and their dads. For Kacie it's nice but since Ben's dad is dead it's kind of heartbreaking. But back to snark, if you don't think these dates are pre-determined, how do you explain an entire compilation movie made for ONE girl? Please don't insist they made a video for everyone. Staged!

A dozen skanks head out on the first group date of the season with their all their boobies hanging out, particular horse-toothed Blakely (can't anyone get natural veneers?). Showing the boobage seems wrong since they are performing a play written by elementary school kids, but I bet the boys are happy. The women have to audition for the children which means humiliate and degrade themselves, moreso than initially agreeing to be on this show. Best moment in Bachelor: the kids also agree showing the tits is inappropriate. The girls put on their ridic costumes (gingerbread skank, wizard, princess, hippie, donkey- the usual) and perform the play about "Prince Pinot" in front of an audience. I'm going to fathom a guess that an 11 year old didn't come up with a character named after wine, so it's sadder that 20-something year old production assistants wrote this shit. It eventually allows Prince Pinot, now a sheep, to strip down to his undies.

Post-play they head to a hotel for a pool party!! No rooftop... yet. Blakely, the 34 year old fake-tittied fake teeth VIP cocktail waitress annoyance, will do anything for a rose and feels no competition. All the girls hate her because she's a skank and it even leads Samantha to go mope in a handicapped bathroom stall. Soon everyone strips down to their bikinis for some pool and hot tub time. While Blakely plots how to get a kiss, Jennifer is getting her smooch on in the pool. Blakeley is desperate for attention in her teal 90s ruffle bikini and keen to show her kissing skills to Ben. I'm sad he accepts her teeth and veneers in his mouth. That bitch gets the rose, shocking me and the roomie who thought he and Jennifer really his it off. Errbody on that date is pissed.

House bitch Courtney receives the second one-on-one date card and she makes a Charlie Sheen "Winning!" reference and I hated her before, I hate her more now. Make "winning" stop, seriously. She's also a major bitch when she gets the date card to everyone just to piss off the other girls. Ben brings his awesome Jack Russell terrier Scotch on the date and he better not give that dog wine because it's made of grapes and that's toxic!! They walk into the woods and try to get Scotch to howl. He looks terrified because he can read that Courtney is a total bitch. His howling is cries for help. "Hooooooooooooooe!!!" They sit by the water for a picnic and some wine and talk about the future, like kids and shit. Ben thinks Courtney is the perfect package and they have a little kiss. Ben and Courtney kick Scotch to the curb at night for a romantic dinner in a vineyard. They have some deep relationship talks like why a hot model is still single and that reason is LA guys (read: Jesse Metcalfe from Desperate Housewives and Passions) all party and are douchey. Ben's smitten and gives Courtney the rose then they share a really awkward kiss.

Cocktail party. Ben assures horse-riding Lindzi she made a good enough first impression to not need a week two date (she'll probably get a solo date next week). Blakely explains her mentality for the group date was to pretend no one else existed besides Ben. And because she's crazy, cue her cutting in on Samantha at the key line "I don't like drama." And since she has a rose it sparks the every-season argument that people with roses don't need cocktail party alone time. So Ben has alone time with another girl and Blakely interrupts again for more alone time (he kind of ditches her). Crazy, ain't that the tooth- I mean truth. Jenna "the blogger" gets insecure and cries in the bathroom. Somehow they blame Blakely for this, the girls talk shit, Blakely cries in a corner. Ben learns she's the scapegoat and comforts her in the corner. His next duty is to check on a sobbing Jenna laying in a bed. Sober up, assholes.

Rose ceremony. Blakely, Courtney, and Kacie all have roses so it's time for a bunch of girls with no screentime to go home. Heading home is neurotic "blogger" Jenna and some chick with skunky highlights (Shawna?). Jenna, no surprise, has a crying fit that is moreso a case of the drunks or as I call it, see you on Bachelor Pad this summer you loon. And bring your wizard's sleeve.

Next week: a bunch of skanks terrorize the homeland of the Tanner family.

January 8, 2012

Reality Rundown: Winners, Losers, and Barbequers

1/08/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
New! The Biggest LoserTop Chef Texas

New! The Biggest Loser - It's been only THREE WEEKS since the 12th season ended and now it's time for season 13. This show truly doesn't understand that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

The theme of the season is "no excuses" and a new set of fatty pairs are outside of a gate to the ranch. Along with the typical pairs there is a pair of strangers (the pink team) and both are former athletes. But before they can get through the gates, they have to complete a challenge and, shocker, the last place team doesn't get onto the ranch. Yawn. Same shit, different numbered season. The first four teams to complete a 40 yard dash immediately move on. The gray team dad might've pulled a hamstring but his son's name sounds like jizzum so I can't focus. The remaining six teams go to round two: move puzzle pieces and complete them. Oh jesus, who marathoned a season of Survivor before designing this challenge? Four more teams move on and then the last two teams compete head to head. Those bottom two teams the pink team (strangers) and the light blue team (siblings). The final challenge is an endurance battle to balance on a barrel. The pink team wins, sending the siblings home. I never understand this whole concept of making out of shape people compete for the chance to get in shape. It seems cruel. But of course, in one month they get the chance to get back onto the ranch if they lose a combined 50lbs. Honestly show, be innovative for once. Your tricks are old.

The first official day on campus begins at the gym where they are introduced to Bob and Dolvett, who arrive via motorcycle and helicopter (HREAM!), respectively. If you look really closely you can see Anna Kournikova picking up her unemployment check at social security. The losers get two hours with the trainers and then they will have to decide which trainer they'd like to work with for good. While fake puking is not an excuse, an almost passed out mall Santa possibly is, but it's actually some brother on the brown team that loses his marbles and can't even recall Bob's name. We find out Jessica of the pink team is a former Olympian who decided instead of getting bossed around she'd boss around hamburgers.

Alison comes into the gym to drop a bombshell: in a season of no excuses, it's also a season of no partners. While they came in as pairs, they will each be on different teams so that they can learn to rely on themselves. As a couple they will need to decide which person goes to Bob and Dolvett. Some teams have logical discussions (grandma orange team really wanted Dolvett, Santa's wife wants him to have a Dolvett body) while others leave it up to chance. This team selection was maybe the fastest thing this show has ever done.

Dr. Huizenga shows up at the halfway mark as I predicted and I fast forward through him. I hate the medical evaluation where they tell the losers they are on death's door and a 22 year old in an 85 year old body.

Bob's team is kicking ass in last chance work-outs, while Dolvett's team is self-described bad news bears. He's got an old lady, Santa, potty breaks, injuries- nothing goes right. He says there's no excuses, especially when it comes to losing weigh-ins. Once he calls out his team, they step up their game. We also learn that the other pink teamer now on Dolvett's team was a professional wrestler that once had a hot bod, but in a match gone wrong (broken tailbone/back) her career was over. But she still beat the other one in a match because she's a winner. F yes.

Weigh-in. The scale has a new font that seems to have a kinda weird glare/glow to it. Bob's black team gets on the scale and while the contestants are smaller and weight is being lost, it's not the usually first week gigundo numbers we're used to seeing. The black team loses a total of 103lbs (3.15%). Dolvett's team hits the scale with Santa's 14lb loss- a great beginning for a 62 year old. His team is rolling strong until old lady Nancy gets a mere 5lbs on the scale and proceeds to make an excuse. Kim, the wrestler, drops 13lbs and that is awesome. Buddy, originally of the red team and has the backstory of a dead daughter, holds the fate of the team in his belly. Buddy knocks it out of the park with a 22lb loss, giving Dolvett's red team the victory over Bob's black team. I think this is a first? The black team has to eliminate one person from their team. Megan is sobbing because she's lowest loser, but strong dude Ben wants to go home because he misses his family (9 kids?!). His team's like aw hell no, but still complies with his wishes and sends him home.

Top Chef: Texas - The cheftestants are greeted at their pad with Modernist Cuisine, five huge-ass books about cooking, and are told to study. The next day Padma and that cookbook's author are in the kitchen for the Quickfire: create a dish that illustrates modernist cuisine. Talk about a no shit title of challenge. The winner gets immunity and the cookbook which they beat into our heads is brand new and everyone wants it. We fucking get it and no I'm not buying this cookbook. It's a lot of weird molecular gastronomy stuff going on in the kitchen. The winner in my eyes as Beverly for jizzing foam all over the judges and dropping all her shit. But the real winner is Ty Lor for his watermelon topped with tapioca. Tapioca gives me the willies.

Elimination challenge! Fuck the modern nonsense and get back to basics... barbeque for 300 people. The chefs have to split into three teams of three and surprise, no one wants to work with Beverly (she ends up with the two Chris'). The cheftestants gets all night to cook and are expected to three different kinds of meat with two sides, not to mention they'll have to cook the meat on a fire pit. They'll serve their grub at famous BBQ establishment The Salt Lick, where we get a mouth-watering tour. During night-time prep, Beverly stupidly reduces bourbon on the stove in the camper and sets off the fire alarm with it's big ass flame. Tom gets by and after being told he'll be getting "sex in the mouth" BBQ, he announces the winning team gets $15,000. The smoke and Texas heat gets to Sarah, who gets an airmask strapped to her face and taken away via ambulance. Her teammate Ed is not pleased.

Blue team (Grayson, Lindsay, Paul) serves up Asian spare ribs, chicken, brisket, charred brussels sprouts, and a watermelon salad. The Blue teams wins because their meat was cooked perfectly and they took risks in their flavors instead of straight up BBQ. The Red team (Ed, Ty Lor, Sarah), irritated by Sarah's late return who throws off the flow, prepares Texas style chicken, Kansas City style pork ribs, smoked brisket, poppy seed cole slaw and pinto beans. The chicken had no smoky flavor and seemed more grilled, the ribs were tough and overseasoned, the brisket got rubbery, and the cole slaw had a weird mint flavor. White team (Chris, Chris, Beverly) has beer can chicken, brisket, and Dr. Pepper glazed pork ribs served with coleslaw and pink lemonade. Beverly's coleslaw is bland and traditional and her beans were undercooked, the chicken was just grilled, the ribs were salty and inedible, and the Dr. Pepper sauce was terrible. Chris C aka Malibu aka good looking Chris made a horribly salty rib that couldn't be saved, eliminating him and giving Beverly another week to be a klutz.

January 3, 2012

The Bachelor: Welcome to Dumpsville... Population 24 of You

1/03/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 1

Previously, winemaker Ben got down on bended knee and got dumped by dentist Ashley. After finally opening himself up, Ben has no regrets, moved to San Francisco, made more wine in Sonoma, and had bonfires with his friends. Don't worry, he never cut his stupid hair. Ben is ready to start again (by that he means, get paid a lot of money to mess around with chicks) so moves into the rented Los Angeles house and plays "This Year's Love" on the piano, so you know that'll be the finale song too. It's no "On the Wings of Love." Most shocking, no shirtless workout montages!

So what perfectly normally women want a chance to get boozy with the winemaker? A girl who got dumped with the best text ever ("Babe, welcome to Dumpsville.... population YOU."), a girl who eats cow balls, a nurse who raised her siblings, and a diplomat with a horrible nose job. If that's her real nose, my apologies but that shit looks weird. And of course we've got a single mom and divorcee (but her dog is adorable!), a recent trend in the show. The season bitch will likely be the model whose dressed as a bride soooo much, loves competition, and I'm sure isn't there to make friends.

Ben arrives at the mansion and after one of those lame chats with Chris Harrison (you were not missed sir), the ladies start making their limo exit. Overall, I kinda like the entrances because for the first time the bachelor makes some snarky comments after they leave ("Love the smack on the arm," "I do love these brunettes"). There's a Canadian with the last name Bacon, a law student with a horrible lawyer pun ("You're guilty... of being too sexy!", and a blogger that can't put together a verbal sentence quoting Ben from last season. The first kiss of the season comes from a chick that sprays some binaca in both of their mouths and gives them both Purell. What is this horrible trend of short dresses made into floor length gowns with sheer overlay? I hate it. I also hate the women who try sooo hard to say something witty and interesting but it's not. Hottest of the night is Sheryl, a retired 72 year old on crutches because she's rocking a boot, but she's not there for Ben- her granddaughter is. Grandma does stay for the party though because who turns down an open bar? The "Oh no, this is definitely not something producers planted" entrance award goes to the final girl (Lindzi) who rides in on her horse. The ladies hate horse girl for making an impression.

The women are swooning and getting their drank on, so they let Ben into the house for the shit storm to begin. The other girls don't like the girl with the grandma (Brittney) because it seems like a you-can't-cut-her move. Grandma says she hopes to see Ben again "maybe at her granddaughter's wedding." Don't press your luck, nana. Shawn, the girl with no bra, bright green dress, and horrible black underlayer under her blonde, brings Ben outside for soccer. Some girl makes him do push-ups while the Kentucky girl puts him in her floppy hat. Dianna, a non-profit director, blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy from a brown bag. Um, weird. Yet the most uncomfortable is the Purell girl who "raps" which is just the worst spoken word poem ever with some turntable hands.

It takes 77 minutes before we get the first "not here for the right reason" bomb so drink to that! Monica seems more attracted to some other chick(Blakeley) in the house than Ben, and this infuriates blogger Jenna who won't STFU. They sit together to hash it out and Monica mentions we're girls and Jenna's response is "We're girls, we can share a tampon some time." Uhhh I know it was sarcastic but it makes no sense. Can't wait to read her blog. Ben even sees her crazy and insecurity, so she cries in a bathroom.

The first impression rose goes to Lindzi which is a no brainer as it's hard to forget a girl who greets you on horseback. Ben says it's not the horse but rather their down-to-earth convo that earned her the rose. It's time for the rose ceremony to commence but ca-raaazy Jenna isn't there and is either in the bathroom or hiding around the corner claiming she doesn't want to be famous yet is clearly doing something for attention. Monica does get a rose and Jenna's face is a priceless but crazy bitch gets a rose too. Maybe they'll give her some hair dye to even out her dull, grown-out highlights. The roseless ladies are candy-feeding Dianna, the Bacon chick, the diplomat's daughter, and four other chicks that I don't think got any screentime.

This season on The Bachelor: helicopters around the world!! Crying! Bitchy model!