January 17, 2012

The Bachelor: Get Off Your High Hearse

1/17/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 3

The hangovers of Sonoma are left behind for the next round of dates in San Francisco. If Ben's group date isn't re-enacting the Full House opening credits I'm fucking done. Oh but Ben's sister lives in San Fran so it's an early season family pow wow.

For his first San Fran romp, Emily and Ben go climbing. Climbing the Bay Bridge! It looks sort of like the Golden Gate Bridge except not red and not as awesome, but I guess climbing to the top of the bridge hasn't been done before right? Oh wait, Oprah and her fans did it in Australia so Oprah did it first. Ok, so it's pretty impressive, Emily's scared, Ben makes Top Gun references, and a telescope is coincidentally in the hotel room so that the women could find them on the date. To help her get to the top, Ben gives Emily like the tiniest kiss ever and it's such a motivator that they scream and make it. Later they romantically dine on a pier overlooking that now puny bridge. Emily tells her horrible dating back story: she was on an online dating site, filled out the questionnaire and a top result was her brother. Best story ever. Guess what: I actually like a contestant on this show! I like Emily and so does Ben cause he gives her a rose, they kiss, and actual fireworks shoot off.

Group date time and hopefully this time it doesn't involved decolletage bopping around in front of children. This date comes straight from Ben's "leap list" is to ski down a hill in San Francisco while also promoting the 2012 Honda CR-V. But wait, it's a comfy 69 degrees everyday how is this possible? Oh because the show shuts down a street and covers it in snow and ice! Ok show, this is an impressive date. But since it IS nice out, everyone skiis in bikinis just like the trailer for Aspen Extreme. It's fun to watch because Casey B can't ski and ends up coming down the hill bass-ackwards and bumping into the sides.

Meanwhile, Brittney gets the next solo date and even a necklace to rock. I seriously thought Horse Girl Lindzi would get the date because she didn't have a date last week. You know who else is surprised? Brittney who is upset, confused and doesn't want the date which is odd. Brittney isn't comfortable with the circumstances of the situation, you know having a dude tongue-slobber 25 girls, and because her heart's not in it, Brittney packs up her suitcase and goes to find Ben to deliver the news.

The bikini ski slopes wind down and Ben and his hoes go to some sweet restaurant with an indoor like Tiki pool or some shit. I don't know but I bet it has delicious Mai Tais. At some point Casey B pulls Ben aside and they just walk down the street with their dranks. Is that even legal? This isn't New Orleans. But they make out a lot. As Ben is getting his drank and talk on, Brittney comes downstairs, luggage in tow, and lets Ben know she doesn't want the one-on-one wasted but she needs to leave. Ben is a bit stunned and delivers the news to the other girls. He's stunned but not too phased so he gives Rachel the group date rose.

With a solo date leftover, horse girl Lindzi gets the solo date which to me just means the show knew exactly what the plan was and made a great storyline. It's so obvious Ben was never interested in Brittney anyways and a solo date would've been more suited to Lindzi, who he immediately clicked with. I hope the date is to scrub all the self tanner and cakey foundation off of Lindzi's face, but it's instead an exploration of San Francisco at night. Will be harder to see the humongous homeless popular in the dark- bummer! Ben and Lindzi catch a trolley car to get a huge taste of San Francisco- Rice-A-Roni factory tour?? Close- ice cream! Ben lives in San Fran so he really wants to remain there and have a woman who can love the city like he does. The trolley drops them at San Francisco City Hall, which Ben has a super secret key to, and enter to the grand staircase to find a private concert by Matt Nathanson (WHO???). After, they grab dinner and drinks in a speakeasy with bookshelves that lead to private rooms. I want to go there. Lindzi tells Ben the story of her famous text dumping, which it turns out is a Simpsons reference as someone told me on Twitter. Deep down, you know Ben is laughing hysterically on the inside. But he does really like Lindzi and they have a nice vibe; Ben gives her a rose and then they play pianos.

A mysterious car is driving over the Bay Bridge talking to Chris Harrison on speakerphone (I almost typed speakerwhore and I like that better) saying she's on her way, her and Ben have talked before and Ben is going to totally fall in love with her. Someone's gonna fuck up this rose ceremony and that someone in... mortician Shawntel who fell for Brad when he was the overly apologetic Bachelor and she'd like to take a chance at getting Ben to date her. Chris Harrison explains the cocktail party has started and she'll need to walk right in there and get his attention.

So much for the drama-free night the ladies toasted to then. Ben flirts with ginger Jen (it's more auburn) and he says she's the best kisser thus far, but they've kept their smooches secret. Well until others can clearly see them. As the other women try to make their bond with Ben, Courtney talks shit about how she hates everyone. We get it Courtney (though you're totally spot on that Blakeley is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with). The ladies aren't pleased with Courtney's shithead behavior and are sure Ben's not aware of her bitchiness. Doesn't matter because Ben is so into Courtney and while he has good banter with the other girls, he makes a goofy smile around her. As Ben talks to some girl I have never seen before (her name is apparently Elyse), Shawntel the lady in red just strolls through the party and everyone's like "Who is that stranger walking through the hotel room?" They assume it's an ex-girlfriend back to win the winemaker's heart.

Ben is completely shocked to see Shawntel, far more shocked than Brittney quitting the show. The ladies begin to realize it's not Ben's ex but rather Brad the downer's fourth-place ex. Shawntel explains she was upset to know he was the Bachelor because they talked before and felt they had something, so she's here to give it a shot and if he wants to try, give her a rose. Ben is shocked but hopes the women will be "gracious and welcoming." LOLOLOL. Rando girl Elyse is like "But you don't know Ben you were on Brad's season!!" You didn't know him either until a week ago, trick. Queen bitch Courtney is like, if he gives her a rose I'll quit and then attempts to cry; stick to modeling, your acting blows. The women are pissed and wonder why a person from another season can just come on the show. Guess these women don't realize this show is fixed and set up. Kudos to Nicki for the "Shawntel rode in on her high HEARSE" pun.

Chris Harrison makes the announcement that the cocktail party is over and it's rose ceremony time. Ben ponders whether Shawntel is worth giving a shot to; the women claim they'll quit if he gives Shawntel a rose (they won't). Everyone is crying like crazy the whole rose ceremony which is beyond weird. Ben prepares to make his final rose speech and Erika, the goddess in the teal dress with gold chain sleeves, faints and hyperventilates. I guess this overshadows Jaclyn, the girl sobbing, "I'm getting dumped for a girl he's known five minutes?" Erika, then falls back down after getting officially dumped. The final rose doesn't go to Shawntel or Jaclyn either. Everyone shoves glasses of water at Erika, Jaclyn's sobbing in the bathroom, and the women are rejoicing that Shawntel's gone. Ben explains to Shawntel he's flattered but it's just not fair, which Shawntel cries about in her interview.

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