January 3, 2012

The Bachelor: Welcome to Dumpsville... Population 24 of You

1/03/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 1

Previously, winemaker Ben got down on bended knee and got dumped by dentist Ashley. After finally opening himself up, Ben has no regrets, moved to San Francisco, made more wine in Sonoma, and had bonfires with his friends. Don't worry, he never cut his stupid hair. Ben is ready to start again (by that he means, get paid a lot of money to mess around with chicks) so moves into the rented Los Angeles house and plays "This Year's Love" on the piano, so you know that'll be the finale song too. It's no "On the Wings of Love." Most shocking, no shirtless workout montages!

So what perfectly normally women want a chance to get boozy with the winemaker? A girl who got dumped with the best text ever ("Babe, welcome to Dumpsville.... population YOU."), a girl who eats cow balls, a nurse who raised her siblings, and a diplomat with a horrible nose job. If that's her real nose, my apologies but that shit looks weird. And of course we've got a single mom and divorcee (but her dog is adorable!), a recent trend in the show. The season bitch will likely be the model whose dressed as a bride soooo much, loves competition, and I'm sure isn't there to make friends.

Ben arrives at the mansion and after one of those lame chats with Chris Harrison (you were not missed sir), the ladies start making their limo exit. Overall, I kinda like the entrances because for the first time the bachelor makes some snarky comments after they leave ("Love the smack on the arm," "I do love these brunettes"). There's a Canadian with the last name Bacon, a law student with a horrible lawyer pun ("You're guilty... of being too sexy!", and a blogger that can't put together a verbal sentence quoting Ben from last season. The first kiss of the season comes from a chick that sprays some binaca in both of their mouths and gives them both Purell. What is this horrible trend of short dresses made into floor length gowns with sheer overlay? I hate it. I also hate the women who try sooo hard to say something witty and interesting but it's not. Hottest of the night is Sheryl, a retired 72 year old on crutches because she's rocking a boot, but she's not there for Ben- her granddaughter is. Grandma does stay for the party though because who turns down an open bar? The "Oh no, this is definitely not something producers planted" entrance award goes to the final girl (Lindzi) who rides in on her horse. The ladies hate horse girl for making an impression.

The women are swooning and getting their drank on, so they let Ben into the house for the shit storm to begin. The other girls don't like the girl with the grandma (Brittney) because it seems like a you-can't-cut-her move. Grandma says she hopes to see Ben again "maybe at her granddaughter's wedding." Don't press your luck, nana. Shawn, the girl with no bra, bright green dress, and horrible black underlayer under her blonde, brings Ben outside for soccer. Some girl makes him do push-ups while the Kentucky girl puts him in her floppy hat. Dianna, a non-profit director, blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy from a brown bag. Um, weird. Yet the most uncomfortable is the Purell girl who "raps" which is just the worst spoken word poem ever with some turntable hands.

It takes 77 minutes before we get the first "not here for the right reason" bomb so drink to that! Monica seems more attracted to some other chick(Blakeley) in the house than Ben, and this infuriates blogger Jenna who won't STFU. They sit together to hash it out and Monica mentions we're girls and Jenna's response is "We're girls, we can share a tampon some time." Uhhh I know it was sarcastic but it makes no sense. Can't wait to read her blog. Ben even sees her crazy and insecurity, so she cries in a bathroom.

The first impression rose goes to Lindzi which is a no brainer as it's hard to forget a girl who greets you on horseback. Ben says it's not the horse but rather their down-to-earth convo that earned her the rose. It's time for the rose ceremony to commence but ca-raaazy Jenna isn't there and is either in the bathroom or hiding around the corner claiming she doesn't want to be famous yet is clearly doing something for attention. Monica does get a rose and Jenna's face is a priceless but crazy bitch gets a rose too. Maybe they'll give her some hair dye to even out her dull, grown-out highlights. The roseless ladies are candy-feeding Dianna, the Bacon chick, the diplomat's daughter, and four other chicks that I don't think got any screentime.

This season on The Bachelor: helicopters around the world!! Crying! Bitchy model!