January 8, 2012

Reality Rundown: Winners, Losers, and Barbequers

1/08/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
New! The Biggest LoserTop Chef Texas

New! The Biggest Loser - It's been only THREE WEEKS since the 12th season ended and now it's time for season 13. This show truly doesn't understand that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

The theme of the season is "no excuses" and a new set of fatty pairs are outside of a gate to the ranch. Along with the typical pairs there is a pair of strangers (the pink team) and both are former athletes. But before they can get through the gates, they have to complete a challenge and, shocker, the last place team doesn't get onto the ranch. Yawn. Same shit, different numbered season. The first four teams to complete a 40 yard dash immediately move on. The gray team dad might've pulled a hamstring but his son's name sounds like jizzum so I can't focus. The remaining six teams go to round two: move puzzle pieces and complete them. Oh jesus, who marathoned a season of Survivor before designing this challenge? Four more teams move on and then the last two teams compete head to head. Those bottom two teams the pink team (strangers) and the light blue team (siblings). The final challenge is an endurance battle to balance on a barrel. The pink team wins, sending the siblings home. I never understand this whole concept of making out of shape people compete for the chance to get in shape. It seems cruel. But of course, in one month they get the chance to get back onto the ranch if they lose a combined 50lbs. Honestly show, be innovative for once. Your tricks are old.

The first official day on campus begins at the gym where they are introduced to Bob and Dolvett, who arrive via motorcycle and helicopter (HREAM!), respectively. If you look really closely you can see Anna Kournikova picking up her unemployment check at social security. The losers get two hours with the trainers and then they will have to decide which trainer they'd like to work with for good. While fake puking is not an excuse, an almost passed out mall Santa possibly is, but it's actually some brother on the brown team that loses his marbles and can't even recall Bob's name. We find out Jessica of the pink team is a former Olympian who decided instead of getting bossed around she'd boss around hamburgers.

Alison comes into the gym to drop a bombshell: in a season of no excuses, it's also a season of no partners. While they came in as pairs, they will each be on different teams so that they can learn to rely on themselves. As a couple they will need to decide which person goes to Bob and Dolvett. Some teams have logical discussions (grandma orange team really wanted Dolvett, Santa's wife wants him to have a Dolvett body) while others leave it up to chance. This team selection was maybe the fastest thing this show has ever done.

Dr. Huizenga shows up at the halfway mark as I predicted and I fast forward through him. I hate the medical evaluation where they tell the losers they are on death's door and a 22 year old in an 85 year old body.

Bob's team is kicking ass in last chance work-outs, while Dolvett's team is self-described bad news bears. He's got an old lady, Santa, potty breaks, injuries- nothing goes right. He says there's no excuses, especially when it comes to losing weigh-ins. Once he calls out his team, they step up their game. We also learn that the other pink teamer now on Dolvett's team was a professional wrestler that once had a hot bod, but in a match gone wrong (broken tailbone/back) her career was over. But she still beat the other one in a match because she's a winner. F yes.

Weigh-in. The scale has a new font that seems to have a kinda weird glare/glow to it. Bob's black team gets on the scale and while the contestants are smaller and weight is being lost, it's not the usually first week gigundo numbers we're used to seeing. The black team loses a total of 103lbs (3.15%). Dolvett's team hits the scale with Santa's 14lb loss- a great beginning for a 62 year old. His team is rolling strong until old lady Nancy gets a mere 5lbs on the scale and proceeds to make an excuse. Kim, the wrestler, drops 13lbs and that is awesome. Buddy, originally of the red team and has the backstory of a dead daughter, holds the fate of the team in his belly. Buddy knocks it out of the park with a 22lb loss, giving Dolvett's red team the victory over Bob's black team. I think this is a first? The black team has to eliminate one person from their team. Megan is sobbing because she's lowest loser, but strong dude Ben wants to go home because he misses his family (9 kids?!). His team's like aw hell no, but still complies with his wishes and sends him home.

Top Chef: Texas - The cheftestants are greeted at their pad with Modernist Cuisine, five huge-ass books about cooking, and are told to study. The next day Padma and that cookbook's author are in the kitchen for the Quickfire: create a dish that illustrates modernist cuisine. Talk about a no shit title of challenge. The winner gets immunity and the cookbook which they beat into our heads is brand new and everyone wants it. We fucking get it and no I'm not buying this cookbook. It's a lot of weird molecular gastronomy stuff going on in the kitchen. The winner in my eyes as Beverly for jizzing foam all over the judges and dropping all her shit. But the real winner is Ty Lor for his watermelon topped with tapioca. Tapioca gives me the willies.

Elimination challenge! Fuck the modern nonsense and get back to basics... barbeque for 300 people. The chefs have to split into three teams of three and surprise, no one wants to work with Beverly (she ends up with the two Chris'). The cheftestants gets all night to cook and are expected to three different kinds of meat with two sides, not to mention they'll have to cook the meat on a fire pit. They'll serve their grub at famous BBQ establishment The Salt Lick, where we get a mouth-watering tour. During night-time prep, Beverly stupidly reduces bourbon on the stove in the camper and sets off the fire alarm with it's big ass flame. Tom gets by and after being told he'll be getting "sex in the mouth" BBQ, he announces the winning team gets $15,000. The smoke and Texas heat gets to Sarah, who gets an airmask strapped to her face and taken away via ambulance. Her teammate Ed is not pleased.

Blue team (Grayson, Lindsay, Paul) serves up Asian spare ribs, chicken, brisket, charred brussels sprouts, and a watermelon salad. The Blue teams wins because their meat was cooked perfectly and they took risks in their flavors instead of straight up BBQ. The Red team (Ed, Ty Lor, Sarah), irritated by Sarah's late return who throws off the flow, prepares Texas style chicken, Kansas City style pork ribs, smoked brisket, poppy seed cole slaw and pinto beans. The chicken had no smoky flavor and seemed more grilled, the ribs were tough and overseasoned, the brisket got rubbery, and the cole slaw had a weird mint flavor. White team (Chris, Chris, Beverly) has beer can chicken, brisket, and Dr. Pepper glazed pork ribs served with coleslaw and pink lemonade. Beverly's coleslaw is bland and traditional and her beans were undercooked, the chicken was just grilled, the ribs were salty and inedible, and the Dr. Pepper sauce was terrible. Chris C aka Malibu aka good looking Chris made a horribly salty rib that couldn't be saved, eliminating him and giving Beverly another week to be a klutz.

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