February 7, 2012

The Bachelor: Ben Hates Scrapbooking

2/07/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 6

Panama! Pa-na-ma-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Oh, excuse the Van Halen but me blog singing is probably a zillion times more interesting than Ben. The girls are excited because everyone gets dates this week except, ut oh, the dreaded 2-on-1 Thunderdome date is this week. Yesssss!

The first date of the evening is Ben's second one-on-one date with Kacie B and they travel via HELICOPTER! Be still my heart. It's like they are trying to woo me to audition for this show with champagne wishes and helicopter dreams. The helicopter drops them off on a deserted island where Kacie reveals the three items she brought along: a monkey (toy, not real), pocket knife, and a bag of candy. I like Kacie B already. This is hardly a date and more like a moron's version of Survivor. The survivin' is just daytime hinjinx and head off for a romantic dinner together. Talk gets serious when Kacie admits she used to have an eating disorder. Ben gives Kacie the rose and then they kiss in the middle of the street. Have you idiots never seen Final Destination?

Ben picks the ladies up in some long-ass boat and pretends to be the worst tour guide ever. Wait sorry, he is not acting. He's just that bad. They dock the boat on the river by a bunch of little kids playing soccer in loin clothes and I am pretty sure a different Chris is going to greet them here. The local women bring the girls into huts to put them into some traditional tribal garb which are some sort of bra tops over their bikinis. Courtney decides to be "one with nature" and lost the bikini under hers to show some nip action. The kids are lovin' this exotic nippled American skank. Ben shows up in a royal blue loin cloth and I'm not kidding, at first I thought the short stout Panamanian man with him was Ben. You can see my thoughts on Ben at this point. Then they paint temporary tattoos on themselves and I hope someone either uses hobo code or puts something hateful on Courtney. Courtney is a Ben-hog (it's like an Annhog but worst) and no other girls seem to make a real effort to get some tribal time.

After the rainy day in the wild, Ben and the ladies clean up for a hotel poolside cocktail party (I don't think they are on a roof sadly). It's all a fucking waste because Ben might claim he cares about the other women but he just wants to shtup Courtney. Some chick Jamie who I honestly did not know was on this show until last week decides to get ballsy and wants to just plant a kiss on Ben. Ben kinda doesn't care because he's distracted by Courtney swimming alone in the pool by them. In fact it's fun to watch him painfully try to not check out Courtney in the pool; like his brain hurts from telling himself, pretend Jamie is interesting and don't check out Courtney's bikini. Jamie doesn't get a kiss. Emily and Ben have a nice chat and a kiss since she doesn't talk shit on Courtney the whole time. Emily apologizes for her "rash judgement." Courtney doesn't respect her and gets all pissy again. Lather, rinse, repeat, STFU. Lindzi the horse girl gets the group date rose to reaffirm the feelings Ben is having for her. Courtney is upset she didn't get the rose so she extends Ben an invite to her room. We get some sob story about guys liking her a first then losing interest like we're supposed to like her. Guess what? Ben doesn't show and no one in America feels a bit of sympathy.

Blakeley is ecstatic she'll get the 2-on-1 date because it means only competing with one other person, clearly not understanding that she is the obvious dumpee. Rachel, who you may recall from the dullest date this season but got a rose for being hot, is not as confident. Ben takes the two women Latin dancing to find some chemistry which I think means dancing boner. I think the dance instructor is more likely to get a rose than these two bums. Blakeley won't give up her time and uses her sexuality to seduce the prince of the Bachelor duds (the king is either Jake or Brad- I haven't officially named a full royal court). Horrible dancing gives the trio an appetite so they head off to an awkward dinner threesome. Each girl gets alone time with Ben and Rachel lays it on the line and gets some kissin', a good sign. Blakeley said she "feels it" and thinks a one-on-one would've validated Ben's feelings for her. To show how much she cares, Blakeley breaks out her opposite-of-burn-book where she wrote (actually, cut out words from magazines) all her feelings about Ben. Ben hates scrapbooking and dumps Blakeley, giving Rachel the rose.

Time for the scandal of the season featuring some girl with about 10 total minutes of screentime the entire season. Chris Harrison and his accordion hand gestures asks to speak to Casey S in private. Ew she walks around the hotel hallways barefoot? C'mon, gross. Chris lets Casey know that it was brought to his attention (which means the producers have known since the beginning but kept it as an ace in the pocket) that she is in love with someone else: her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend at home. Michael, the boyfriend, told the show they aren't broken up and are still in a relationship. Casey denies it and explains like he didn't want to marry her and she wants a guy who will treat her better and marry her (sorry hun, Ben ain't marrying anyone here). Chris brings Casey to Ben and he's surprised to see her (good thing there was a camera crew in the room with him to catch this surprised reaction!). Casey tells Ben she wanted to get over her ex, hasn't, Ben thinks other girls who did like him got the shaft in her favor, and Ben asks Casey to go home. In a minivan after a long ugly cry. Ben pulls a half-Mesnick (leaning over a railing thinking hard but without the sobbing) pondering existence or what size Courtney's boobs are.

Everyone uses the cocktail party to make sure Ben knows they aren't rebounding from marriage-phobes back home. "I'm honest!" says everyone. Jamie wants to be noticed by Ben and show him she can please him too. How does she do this? Straddle Ben and kiss him. This is... awkward. After 10 minutes of Ben getting a boner from Jamie, the show mercifully gives us a commercial break and then the rose ceremony. Jamie looks like an even bigger fool when she doesn't get the rose. Humiliating indeed.