February 22, 2012

The Bachelor: Hometown Zero

2/22/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , 1 comment
The Bachelor - Week 8

This week Ben will travel across America for hometown dates. This means no helicopters so ugh, boo.

Ben's first stop is Ocala, Florida and I wonder if it's anywhere near my new dream destination: Dinosaur World. Ocala is home to Lindzi and a bunch of horses and this is only the second guy to meet her parents and the last one was a dickhead. Lindzi teaches Ben to ride by putting him in some Amish buggy/chariot. Nice training wheels you child! Lindzi and Ben ride the buggy all the way to her parents' house and he is introduced as "my boyfriend." He's like everyone's boyfriend. We find out that Lindzi's parents got married at San Francisco's City Hall, where they had their first date on the show. Ben says "What are the odds?" and since we know how staged this show is, I'd say the odds are prett-ay, prett-ay, prett-ay good. What do you mean it's staged? Hey don't you remember Brittney got the date card originally and quit? There you go. There is also a spontaneous chariot race and it's a good thing this family just leaves yellow cones out for lanes all the time. I mean, what are the odds?? Lindzi's parents really like Ben and I also think her dad watches a lot of Bachelor since he knows a lot about Ben. Ben asks for permission to marry Lindzi should that come down the line and I think he gets the OK? This is just stupid because sorry, we know who he's picking and it's so obvious.

Kacie B is hometown #2 in Clarksville, Tennessee and she greets Ben at the football field named after her grandfather with a marching band so that she can twirl a baton. And I totes knew she'd greet him with a monkey jump hug- she is one of those girls. Kacie talks about her dead grandparents and that her parents don't drink. Good luck winning him over ya boozemaking wino. Ben meets Kacie's family and Kacie needs to chat with her sister for approval and to get everything off her chest, particularly that her parents are probably not loving this process. Kacie's dad does the inquisition with a weird judgy smirk, but I'd rock that same face talking to that mop-head. Papa Kacie is skeptical and he urges Ben not to rush into things, meaning don't marry his daughter in a hot minute. Even mom has concerns, like Kacie having to move to California when this is done and she is concerned by living together before marriage. Kacie tells her dad she's fallen in love with him and he poses the most obvious question ever that others don't consider: have the other three girls fallen in love with him too? Which is yes. You are all in fake love. Papa Kacie does not want to give Ben permission for a proposal if he asks. Ben doesn't ask.

From Tennessee Ben heads to Fort Worth, Texas to see divorcee Nicki. They meet in the historical stockade district to get Ben all gussied up like a cowboy. Ben looks like a dork and the locals catcall him. Fun fact: I have been to Fort Worth and we had dinner at the White Elephant where Nicki and Ben get their drank on. Nicki prepares Ben for her parents (also divorced) since they'll have a lot of questions since last time she loved a dude she married and divorced him. Her parents seem to like Ben and think she has a better glow than her previous man. Nicki's dad thinks he should ask more questions because he didn't ask a lot to the ex-husband. This seems odd to show on TV and have filmed. Dad gives his relationship blessing over dinner. After dinner, Nicki tells Ben she's in love with him and he's like ahhh and mmhmm.

And of course the hometown dates end with season villain Courtney in Scottsdale, Arizona. Courtney voiceovers that she realizes she was a shithead to the girls and it wasn't good and negatively impacts her relationship with Ben. Ben reminds us he's kinda over the moon for Courtney but can't be with a girl who rubs people the wrong way. Mom doesn't buy that Courtney is in love with Ben after Courtney saying she like/loves Ben. Courtney tells her sister about the skinny dipping, dad compares marriage to gambling, and mom makes an awkward face anytime Courtney says she's falling for Ben. After family lunch, Ben and Courtney eat a picnic (or maybe just drink one) and Courtney insists there is no hidden agenda. There is a fake-wedding set-up near their picnic area, which is a place Courtney has always dreamt of getting married. They sit in the seats and Courtney busts out notepads for vows and a boytie for their impromptu wedding. Let's add Courtney has a vow crib sheet while she writes again. A minister or something pops up and Ben writes sweet vows right away and Courtney reads her pre-written then re-written vows (which according to Twitter had lines ripped right out of Sex and the City). They exchange hillbilly twine rings and stuff- whatever, just get to the obvious ending.

Ben returns to Los Angeles to make Chris Harrison work for a paycheck to recap the hometown dates. I fast forward through this because Chris bugs the shit out of me and if his hands aren't moving in and out then he just does and up and down thing with one hand like cheering on a rap battle. But now it's time for Ben to look his final four in the eyes (and boobs) and send one woman back home to sob to the parents Ben just met. Ben gives roses to Courtney (no shit), Lindzi, aaaand Nicki. Not at all surprising considering how the family meetings went. I mean, he wouldn't be able to take Kacie to the bone zone in the fantasy suites. And then she sobs and half yells alone (with a camera crew) in the limo with a broken heart. "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED??"

Next week: heading to the bone zone in Switzerland.


Ashley said...

you nailed it, girl! (pardon the pun.) ben couldn't have taken kacie b. to the overnights! poor Kacie B. would have burned in Hell!

LOVE your recaps! just tell me so I can stop watching this shitty show! he asks courtney to marry him, right? i hope he asks shitbag crazy to marry him - the two deserve each other. they can give each other tips about hair products.