March 13, 2012

The Bachelor: Ben Finds Fiance, Still Hasn't Found a Barber

3/13/2012 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor - Finale

Tonight is dubbed "the most controversial ending in Bachelor history" so aren't they already giving away the ending in the first minute of the show? Anyways, let's recap the inevitable.

After another rousing playing of "This Year's Love" over snippets of Lindzi and Courtney, Ben claims he loves them both and this will be so false. Tough. Ben's mom and sister get a free Switzerland trip to help Ben out. Ben wants his family to really grill the women and give an honest assessment, though ultimately they'll get ignored if they hate the woman he prefers. Ben's concern with Lindzi is do they need more time to open up; his Courtney concern is obviously is she a raging bitch. Upon learning the season bitch is still in the final two he gets a "Hhmph" in response from his sister.

Lindzi meets the fam first with that faced of horrible caked on make-up. Lindzi is introduced as horse girl and they all share lunch. In alone time with mom, Lindzi explains she's in love with Ben. Sister digs more about how she'll feel if Ben proposes and Lindzi is so excited and surprised she did find love. Sis brings up the Courtney bomb and Lindzi says Courtney is different and shut-off, not as much of a people person as the other girls. Sister Julia approves of Lindzi, mom thinks she's the total package and great.

Ben requests his family be open-minded about Courtney and when it's revealed she's a model, it's another sister Julia red flag. Immediately discussion is about Courtney's isolating behavior in the house. Courtney insists she tried to get to know the girls, got rejected, put a guard up. Courtney explains to Ben's mom that she feels vulnerable, which his mom says is similar to how Ben is feeling since he tried and failed at proposing to Ashley. Julia ends up telling Ben she shouldn't have pre-judged Courtney and that she likes Courtney too. The fam can tell Ben has fallen for Courtney. Even his family knows they might have to defend his choice of Courtney and explain he saw a different side of her.

Lindzi and Ben have one last date together, which starts in a horse-drawn carriage ride that probably smells of farts. Romantic! They ditch the horses to ski by the Matterhorn and I hope Ben isn't mobbed by people fearing he is the Yeti. So they have a private picnic on a gondola, get their crunk on and prepare to ski. The gondola stops mid-way up, suspending by the Matterhorn, which allows the ideal time for Lindzi to open up. Lindzi asks if Ben can see an "us in the future" and he says he could. Then Ben teaches Lindzi to ski by like sitting on top of each other or something. Is this how you learn to ski because I've never been. I just thought it was that pizza/french fries shit from South Park. That night Ben goes to Lindzi's hotel room for one more night of making out and a last chance to express feelings. Lindzi is surprised how this experience played out and tells Ben she loves him and he says... "It's good." They kiss a little more but again, no tongue and hardly an open mouth. We don't get to see what shitty craft project gift Lindzi gave him which is the only part of this horrible finale I was looking forward to, the Regretsy level craft work.

Ben and Courtney embark on their final date, but not before Courtney can say she never saw depth with Lindzi and she's confident. A helicopter comes to sweep them up and that dumbass Courtney calls it a heli-chopper. You dope. They share a romantic flight above the snowcapped mountains and by the Matterhorn. Ben says this is one of the top 10 things he's ever done and I'd imagine the other nine are the other 9 helicopter rides he's been on this season. Then they picnic and grill on a mountain and I hope someone hollers and an avalanche happens. Ben and Courtney make snow angels, talk about the family meeting, go sledding (hopefully off a cliff) and Ben explains that he feels totally himself with Courtney. In their last meeting, Ben and Courtney share a pot of fondue in her hotel room (which warms the heart of my gurl hstrong_, a lover of fondue). And out comes the shitty crafting gift!! Courtney magically gets ahold of photos to make a scrapbook and write a really long letter inside a card expressing her love to Ben. Ben's like "that's really nice" and then they awkwardly lay in silence. Courtney lets more roll and gives penance for her season-long asshole behavior and that she's upset Ben would tell his family she was a jerk. I like that they don't acknowledge the church bell that won't stop ringing in the background.

Ben walks around Switzerland alone and voiceover ponders his love for both women. The other two girls get excited for what could be the biggest day of their life from the confines of being trapped in a hotel room. It's while leaning over the edge of a balcony (but not pulling a Mesnick) that Ben has a moment of clarity knowing which woman he wants to pick. You've known for weeks ya GD liar. Then the Neil Lane guy shows up to mock Ben for failing at a proposal last time and picking another ring for a different girl. Ben can't wait to spend the rest of his life with the woman he chooses which is the biggest LOLZ moment since we know this will last eight months- tops. But before happiness, Ben will crush the soul of the other girl.

Lindzi, in a black glown with a skirt that gives the effect of feathers and emerald cape (how Slytherin), arrives in the first helicopter at what I am calling Proposal Mountain. Not a good sign, gurl. Lindzi is babbling in voiceovers how much she loves Ben and hopes she's engaged after this day. Then she babbles when she meets up with Ben about how she's fallen in love, what a journey, blah. Ben says she made such a first impression and their relationship grew, he fell in love with her, buuuuut the moments that will last a lifetime will be with someone else. He's in love with someone else. NO FREAKIN' SHIT BEN, WE'VE KNOWN SINCE WEEK 2 BASICALLY. He apologizes, Lindzi shrugs and is mad she couldn't give Ben what he wanted (nudity on a third date), and Ben walks her off. Overall Lindzi is pretty composed and not the basketcase crying we'd love to see, though she is clearly humiliated and that's probably because he picked the season succubus of evil.

Courtney's exits her helicopter black dress with a sparkly, beaded neck, black gloves, and a cream cape, like a more fashionable Cruella DeVille. Ben greets Courtney with a little peck and says Courtney kind of took his breath away. I don't know, might be the mountain altitude. Ben says that even in the ups and downs, he could see what their life could be and that they understand each other. Ben tells Courtney that she is his forever (audience laughs) and he is in love with her. Courtney laugh/cries. Ben gets down on one knee to reveal the Neil Lane branded diamond ring box to propose. Courtney accepts, removes her black glove and gets a ring slipped on her finger. They vow to each other "I will love you forever." Then do a bunch of mountaintop closed mouth pecking before giving Courtney the final rose.

After the Final Rose

Chris Harrison tells us to hold our judgement so Ben and Courtney can tell their sides of the story and I think we are thinking "hellllllll no."

Ben is brought out first alone to be interrogated by three-arm-gesture available Chris Harrison. Ben says he still loves Courtney but the woman he saw a lot of times on the TV isn't the Courtney he knows. Ben said he did listen to the women but since they never gave real proof he wasn't able to really take heed of their warnings. Ben feels America didn't see the full story and he wasn't duped by some temptress. He explains her behavior made everything harder on him and for a while he didn't talk to Courtney and they were essentially broken up. Cue audience gasps! Ben insists he has no kissed another woman or cheated on Courtney and the tabloid photos are old.

Courtney gets her solo time with Chris Harrison to an audience of half applause and snarled faces of disgust. Chris points out that usually on After the Final Rose the crowds are going wild for love. Courtney admits responsibility in the negative publicity her and Ben have received. All went well before the show started airing then shit hit the fan and oh dear god, he didn't send Valentine's flowers. Courtney says Ben abandoned her when she needed him most and kept trying to reach out to Ben but he blew her off. Courtney says that yes, she's pretty sure at this point they're a couple but she's also not 100% sure and gets a little weepy. Courtney thinks some normalcy and talks could help. No shit.

Ben and Courtney are reunited on stage for an awkward, weird couples counseling but an unlicensed, horrible therapist that just raises one hand up and down. Oh wait, a two handed up and down from Chris Harrison- new move! Ben insists he and Courtney are still engaged, in a good place, and from here it can only get better. Yeah, if you go into hiding. The root of their relationship problems, besides Courtney's mega-bitch behavior, was the distance and inability to talk because of show isolation. Ben says he won't abandon Courtney now and apologizes for not standing by her while the world tore her to shreds. Then they re-watch their proposal and cry because it was beautiful and then airing the show and tabloids shit all over a wonderful moment, ruining a happy memory for them. Chris Harrison busts out the engagement ring and Ben re-gives it to Courtney.

To bring some likability back to the franchise, Ashley and JP are hauled out to show not all relationships on this show are horrid. Ashley thinks getting out of the public will help them and the people are horrible. Yes, yes we are. Can we all agree that JP is like super hot? But these two are happy together and while wedding discussions have been had, it's not uber-planned or anything. But they are hoping to get married within a year. As a person who shits all over this franchise because it's fun to be snarky, these two do seem really happy and in love and best of luck to them.

In Bachelor Pad news, this season the show is casting from people desperate to become yet another conquest to some of the former contestants. Yes, much like the Real World Road RulesChallenges, now outsiders can compete on Bachelor Pad and be forced into a saddened exile where the veterans don't accept them. Have fun with that desperate famewhores.

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