March 11, 2012

Reality Rundown: Completely Bum-Puzzled Right Now

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: One World

The Amazing Race - Teams fly to Asuncion, Paraguay to retrieve their next clue and there is an 8:45am flight that would give a decent lead. Married Rachel/Dave, Border Patrol Art/JJ, federal agents Nary/Jamie, and rednecks Bopper/Mark are able to get on that 8:45 flight. All the other teams are two hours behind.

The first clue has to be found in this sort of playground thing with tons of slides and ladders and shit (the clue is in a grill). The first clue is a Detour: stack watermelons in a perfect pyramid or attach 36 strings to a harp. The first four all opt for the watermelons in the sweltering heat and the Border Patrol guys nail the challenge first. The other teams start to face issues when their pyramids collapse, so the three teams switch to the harp detour. Meanwhile, the second flight arrives and those teams start to select their Detours (mostly watermelon, but the twin brothers opt for the harps). Best moment: Clay and Bopper telling another team the watermelons are easy and steal their cab- LOLZ. I like them. Smack talk begins between Brenchel and some other team when another team comments that they can see Rachel's vagina through her cheap stretch pants. Brenchel ditches the melons right away and shittalk Vanessa for ever speaking ill of her. Dave and Rachel realize every team has caught up to them so use the Express Pass to skip the Detour. The watermelons are basically a fail for all teams who attempt it, causing a lot of stress.

The next clue is a Roadblock where one person must perform a traditional bottle dance, with the bottle on top of their head. If they smash all their bottles teams will receive a two hour penalty which is an interesting twist. I'm pretty shocked Border Patrol was able to complete the task as fast as the editing implied. Dave and Rachel's Express Pass use might be shot to shit as Dave smashes all his bottles and they will incur a 2 hour penalty.

Border Patrol checks in as team #1, way ahead of the other teams it seems, and win a trip to the Bahamas. Because of the time penalty, Rachel and Dave need to sit on the sidelines for two hours to check in. This allows Brenchel to become team #2 and the Jersey guys team #3. Rachel of Brenchel has a half-breakdown on the mat pretending to puke from being out of breath. Rachel and Dave get to check in as team #5, right after my new faves Bopper and Mark check in 4th. So waaaaaay behind the pack are dating divorcees Vanessa and Ralph and twin brothers Elliot and Andrew. Like so far behind it's now nighttime when this leg started in the morning and it's a battle behind two teams that sucked really hard this leg. Ralph is able to complete the dance before the bros, but they're right behind. It becomes an intense footrace through the nighttime city, or just another piece of editing. Vanessa and Ralph come in 8th while the bros check in last and are eliminated.

Survivor: One World - Let's start off this episode with the funniest thing I can recall in years of Survivor: Leif, the little person, apparently sleeps inside the supplies crate. I can't. It's too much.

The women are well-off now, with fire and a batch of snails cooking on it, and the men offer to teach them how to use the net and split the profits. The women decline and the men can't believe they'd turn this down.

Not even 10 minutes into the episode we've got a Reward Challenge: shoot coconuts at a wall of targets and knock down five in a row. They do five so Connect Four doesn't sue them. The reward this week is a choice of comfort (blankets and shit), protection (tarp and stuff), or luxury (coffee, sugar, creamer, donuts). It's just a lot of shooting coconuts back and forth, thrilling TV. The Salani women get their five and a row for a third-in-a-row challenge victory. The women wisely choose for the tarp protection reward eventhough donuts are so amazing and I want one right now.

The men whine about their loss at camp saying they didn't have time to learn the game. You mean the very basic game of shooting coconuts at five targets in a row? Bill is the only one smart enough to say the women have momentum and it's time to start competing. Bill then learns from Leif that Colton wants Bill out and it was a definite possibility last Tribal. Colton gets wind of this, says that "the little munchkin is going to be knocked back to Oz," and tells Leif he's next out of the game for picking the wrong side. Oh and then he calls him an Oompa Loompa. Leif is kinda screwed because no one trusts him from blabbing.

The Immunity Challenge this week to to get tied up as paired to go across a teeter totter, solve a puzzle, retrieve keys, and use the keys to undo locks to let their freak flag fly. Alicia and Chelsea, the first pair of women, are absolute puzzle fails so when Kat accidentally inferred Alicia was dumb earlier she wasn't wrong. Alicia and Chelsea end up looking at the men's completed puzzle to solve theirs, infuriating the men and inciting chants of "Cheat!" Well mainly just old man Tarzan, but even Probst brings up the women can look at the finished puzzles. The women are stuck on the second puzzle when the men's flag goes up and give Manono immunity. Probst rubs salt in the women's wounds, especially Alicia since she cheated off the completed puzzle yet still couldn't get it right for a long time. Alicia just kinda smirks and giggles.

Despite being in the alliance of five, Alicia is now on the chopping block. Eventhough the men are immune, the drama doesn't stop. Bill tries to squash the beef with Colton, who is a brat. Bill doesn't like being ignored which sets him off, calling Colton a spoiled brat and following him around camp. Colton relays the drama and Colton tells Jonas and Troy(zan) that they should give the women immunity and vote Bill off now. Instead of saying "you're out of your fucking mind," some of the alliance likes this plan. Tarzan pulls the group in to talk because he hates traitors and the intent is to go to Tribal Council and vote off Leif, tribal traitor. Colton, who has deemed himself leader and showrunner, still wants Bill out and will not stop.

Into Tribal Council marches Manono, which stuns Jeff Probst still hello you dumbfucks have immunity. 24 seasons and never has a tribe willingly given up tribal immunity to eliminate someone. The group is prepared to sacrifice Leif no matter what horrible, stupid move it is. Colton goes on his tirade against Bill because he's annoying and brings up that Bill should get a job. Bill explains his lifestory of being alone since 17 and being poor is his way. Colton plays the best card ever which is the "I have black friends card." Jeff asks who the black person is and Colton says it's his housekeeper!! And she's like family!! And Probst says "paid family."!! Colton insists it's not a race thing but a get a real job thing even though I guess maybe Colton doesn't have a real job either? Bill is following his dream to be a comic. Colton goes on some other rant about like rich people being more open-minded than poor white trash living in a trailer? It's all too much. Tarzan comes to Colton's defense and feels Colton is being painted as a racist and is tired of these race fights and that race doesn't matter anymore, judge people by their actions. "WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT!" One long argument later, Bill is voted off the tribe.