May 20, 2012

Reality Rundown: Kim Wins Survivor - DUH


Finale! Survivor: One World - The dream of an all girl final five has come true, except instead of Kat it's the dead log that is Christina.

The first immunity challenge of the week is a balancing maze of puzzle pieces that creates clues for numbers to unlock a lock. So basically, it's four different challenges from this season re-hashed, no surprise as this show is full of recycling. Chelsea and Alicia gather the pieces first, but Kim regains the lead by solving the puzzle first and in the three-way end battle gets the combination. Now that Kim is immune, she needs to truly pick a side and her options seem to be taking out Alicia or Chelsea. Chelsea has been her strongest ally but could take votes from Kim in the end. Tribal Council is all about Kim and basically everyone handing the fucking game to her because no one is playing. When given a chance to speak up, Alicia says she has been with Kim from day one and that is what we call sealing your fate. Chelsea's final words is that tonight's vote will either gain or lose her jury respect. Kim does not play her hidden immunity idol (last time to play it) and the votes come rolling out: in a 3-2 vote, Alicia heads to the jury.

En route to the final immunity challenge, it's the fallen survivor torch salute where they lament the other terrible players. Leif sleeping in a crate - never forget. The immunity challenge is to lift and place ten bowls with some wobbly steel contraption thing (that's the best description you're getting of this kinda kooky challenge). Kim and Christina are dead even throughout the challenge. Can you imagine if Christina won? LOLOL. Kim wins again so yeah give her the giant check now and call it a night so I can watch Game of Thrones. Afterwards, Christina wants Kim to tell her in advance so that it's not a blindside. Kim tells her straight-up sorry, you're done. And so Christina rolls over, dies, and doesn't even attempt to campaign to another person. Fucking waste of a person on this show. At Tribal Council, Jeff can't believe there was no scrambling at camp and that Christina didn't make an attempt to break the final three girl alliance. Sabrina gives a great speech on why even though she's not scrambling she's fighting to be in the game shows that persuasive nature in Sabrina that Kim feared. Christina's torch is snuffed to not a single person's sadness.

Sabrina takes a moment alone to take in the beach surroundings and remember why she signed up for this game, how she'd tell her students about this, and how she was laid off. But she wipes away the tears and puts her game face back on. Sabrina, Kim, and Chelsea share in the final three breakfast with mimosas and food and great, I'm hungry again. Chelsea is happy she made friends and Kim found inner strength again after a tough divorce. But the fun ends and the three make the walk to the final Tribal Council.

A complete, freshly scrubbed jury enters Tribal Council as the emaciated, dirty final three sit around the campfire ready to make their arguments to win. Chelsea stands to make her speech and explains she made a 100% alliance with Kim to get far in the game and dumped her emotional playing at the merge to keep her distance from those she eliminated. Kim expresses how she loves this game and took it on as a game of poker, full of strategies and emotionally draining at times, but she did it for family. Kim hopes the jury will understand this is a game and she did what was necessary to win. Sabrina's strategy was to have boundaries, scale back her physical game and lose challenges, and decided not to confront people head-on about eliminations to avoid dirty hands. She explains she was a teacher but laid off two weeks before the game began so she had to win this game.

Time for a bitter jury! Jonas tells Chelsea the guys dubbed her season's hottest and asks her to give a move that she dictated, not Kim; Chelsea admits she made the move to eliminate Kat. Kim says she didn't bring Christina for fear of a bitter jury not based on gameplay. Christina wants to know who Kim would've eliminated if she kept Kim; Kim says she could beat Sabrina so would've eliminated Chelsea. Christina then asks Chelsea why she hates people- LOL. Jay questions Sabrina's laid back strategy which she explains it because she can be overbearing at times and didn't want to get in people's faces. Mike asks Kim about blindsides and she lays it out there that she used Troyzan's dislike of Mike to her advantage. It seems where the jury dislikes Kim is her failure to take the blame. Tarzan thanks the women for letting him stick around longer enough to see his wife, and then uses a lot of ridiculous vocabulary to express his emotions about the love of his wife. Leif said he was sad to be voted out and Kim's reasoning is trust; they never knew where his allegiances truly laid. Sabrina says she punked out for not telling him to his face he was going home. Alicia claims she was a kingpin and had pawns just like Kim and Alicia would've won the game against her. Troyzan says he doesn't hate their guts, but his main beef lays with Kim. Troyzan asks Kim about the moment she made the move to take him out and she says it was when they decided to eliminate Jonas from the game. Kat is the last to speak and she was so hurt, especially by Kim who "destroyed" her. She admits that as a child she had open heart surgery as a child and will be having it again next year and that being angry is a waste of her time. She urges the jury to vote on the best game and not on anger. Damn, Kat got deep and made everyone verklempt. And now the jury must vote for the winner of Survivor: One World and then Jeff will scurry off with the votes and read them at the reunion.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of Survivor: One World is....


KIM!

Then it's the reunion.  Kim gets about four questions before Jeff spends the hour asking questions to everyone else, particularly the horrible Colton.  Colton is uncomfortable with the person he was on the show and insists he's not a racist and would make out with Shemar Moore.  Colton does point out that while he's a villain no one wants to talk about, after he left the show got boring (kinda true). He never really apologizes for his actions until after his mom apologizes for his behavior. But shit gets real weird when BLOSSOM aka Mayim Bialik defends Colton and him and some rando guy think Colton should play again. NO. NEVER. STOP.  Tarzan's extensive vocabulary words are real, Kat is healthy, and Alicia has gotten a lot of feedback for being a jerk on the show (she cries).  The fan favorite comes down to Tarzan, Troyzan, Chelsea and Kim, which is then narrowed to Troyzan and Kim.  Kim wins in a "clean sweep" so she adds more money to the pot.  Troyzan lives in a world of delusion when people on the streets allegedly tell him he's one of the best players ever.  Leif feels like he represented little people well and Christina says it was her strategy to roll over and die and be quiet.  And as all reunions wrap up, a teaser of next season is shown (Survivor: Phillipines) where three former castaway evacuated for medical reasons from past seasons game will get another chance to play.

And now my friends comes the most important results on them all: who won the Survivor Pre-Show Winner Prediction.  If you're new, at the beginning of each season of Survivor I predict who I think will win based on questionnaires, pre-show interviews, etc. This season I came so close with my pick of Sabrina (but my gut was right because I was teetering between Sabrina and Kim).  This season we don't have one winner: we have four!  Congratulations to @jacobjunior7, @hstrong_, @vojha, and Andy W.  Even better... you've won a prize! Email me your mailing address to get your awesome prize. 


Around the World in 80 Plates - This show immediately this show is deemed more repulsive by me when the opening credit sequence tells us with a voiceover that the show is brought to us by Chase Sapphire. Wow, that is obnoxious.

After winning most valuable chef last week, Chaz gets to assemble a new black team to back him up and then they get to travel to France via first class on the train.  When they arrive in Lyon, they must drive around the city to complete The Course.  The red team gets to the location first (a farm) which is to identify six sheep cheeses.  Jenna says she is a master of cheese so she steps up to the plate and messes up a bunch, allowing the black team to arrive 20 minutes into their identification.  The next task is to herd sheep without touching them and I hope a very clever pig could be around to assist them.  The black team is able to herd sheep faster with their strategy of making a human pen, allowing them to regain the lead they lost while being crappy drivers.  The last task, complete with dullard Curtis Stone on a barge, is to pair wines with a plate of ingredients that are to flavors of the wine.  Kevin "Cheven" is annoying, but really knows France and their food and Chaz doesn't like Cheven's constant talking.  Nookie comes in and help the black team get a victory.

The Takeover task is to run a restaurant with all Lyonnaise cuisine and it must include quenelle (spelling? Don't know, the show doesn't care to explain it except that it's hard to make and made of fish, eggs, and butter).  The black team, since they won the course, gets a master class dinner by a MOF Chef Joseph, which is a huge deal in the culinary world.  The red team has to investigate Lyonnaise menus on their own.  Jenna continues to be an annoying, bossy bitch.  Chaz gets pissy at the fancy dinner because Chef Joseph likes having a good time with Avery, and she'll prove her chops because she's taking on the infamous quenelle.

The red team is the first to feed the judges.  First, quenelle with herbs and Lyonnaise potatoes which one diner calls "swollen pasta."  Next, a haddock with sauce gribiche by Nicole - again, never explained so we don't know what gribiche is.  Sai makes a salad Lyonnaise which is a delicious dish, but takes way too long for a GD salad.  The meal is completed with a chocolate brownie with a strawberry sauce (not French at all).  John fails at expediting, making the red team's service a matter of chaos especially when they run out of fish.  The judges traverse to the next restaurant to dine at the black team's restaurant.  Avery's pike quenelle with nantua sauce is first out and Curtis makes the comment that "this is how it should look" in comparison to the red team.  Chef Joseph is there to dine and lets the team know he's very proud of them.  "Cheven" makes a legume salad with ham and the diners don't love this dish.  Nookie makes fois gras with onion jam and it's a hit.  A roasted chicken by Chaz is critiqued for being too big a portion.  A decision is made to fire up all the dishes at once to make it all like a tasting instead of course-by-course meal and some diners are confused.

Based on the local diners opinions, the favorite restaurant and winning team is the black team for their flavors.  The most valuable chef is Avery for her delicious quenelle, which helped her team clinch the win.  The red team is up for elimination and the immediate target is Nick because of his bad quenelle.  John thinks the salad Lyonnaise by Sai is elementary and took to long to make, even if the diners enjoyed this traditional dish.  Sai thinks Nicole's failure to count the haddock and not being able to serve the right amount of diners is unacceptable as well.  The red team returns to the front of the house to reveal their votes.  Sai is eliminated for making an easy dish in the slowest manner possible.

Next week: Barcelona, Spain.

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