May 15, 2012

The Bachelorette: Bobbleheads, Eggs, and Boomboxes

The Bachelorette - Week 1


If you didn't watch before, Emily's ex-boyfriend was a racecar driver who died in a plane crash and right after he died, she discovered she was pregnant with her daughter Ricki. After one of the most chemistry-less relationships I've seen on this show, single mom Emily is no longer with Brad and willing to give fake TV love a shot.

What kind of studs did they pick for Emily? Well one dude's video is him getting out of a helicopter so I think you can guess who I'm smitten with (Kalon? Oh that's a dumb name). There's an ex-football player/now trainer with the most adorable dog. There's a divorced single parent that has "two thumbs and is going to marry Emily" (doubtful). And dear god people, there is a black person! To my knowledge there hasn't been a black suitor since Jillian's season. And he has a cute dog. Some dude survived a balcony collapsing and he has a cute dog too. Methinks Emily wants a surrogate dog. Another guy, Jef with one f, runs a charitable bottled water company and my girl @MamaXanax pointed out he has Brendan Walsh hair. There's a dude Arie who is a racercar driver which is either Emily's type or a way for the show to rub salt in open wounds.

Ricki helps Emily get ready and soon enough Emily is outside chatting with the newly separated Chris Harrison and his trademark hand moves (I think he's up to four or five instead of two). Emily is wearing a champagne/nude one shoulder evening dress with lots of sparkles, though their tailor did a crap job makes it fit well. Different this season is the house is in Emily's hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina and not that Los Angeles sex pit they've been in for years. And she's doing greetings indoors! Good news is I looked at the driveway and eventhough it's not important, it was totally watered down. Then, the first limo pulls up and it is on.


Turns out there's a couple single dads in the bunch, an immediate bond to Emily. One dude says a lame quote about taking his breath away while down on his knees; yeah, no. Emily cracks a big smile when she sees racecar driver Arie and watches him walk away to take a peak at dat ass. I thought lumber salesman was my favorite rando career but I think the grain merchant from Brazil might win that title. Stevie the "party MC" brings a boombox and dances like an idiot and then the next guy, Charlie the balcony dude, says he hopes he doesn't have to do that. HA, zing. I like you most. Tony the lumber trader introduces himself as "Charming, Prince Charming" while holding a glass slipper on a pillow. Best entrance ever goes to Randy who enters dressed as an old lady to introduce the special guy that is himself. One guy is named John but people call him "Wolf" so I guess he's best name by default? Now is terms of weird, Travis brings Emily a giant egg as something symbolic of Emily and Ricki? Like weird. If he said it was a dragon egg for the Khaleesi he'd be a winner in my eyes but now he's the freak with a Yoshi egg. And then, fuck all your entrances, because a helicopter comes down from the sky to land on the grass. It's Kalon and he's a luxury brand consultant and fuckin' ballin'.

Cornball entrances are over and now it's time for the guys to get shitfaced and steal one-on-one time from each other. Emily gives one last speech about knowing this process worked and I think she means half-worked since her engagement fell apart in like three months. Emily loves the attention and the guys are drooling at her beauty. If you thought creepy gifts ended at entrances, you are wrong because Chris busts out a bobblehead of himself, and then one of Emily, and they play with them. All the guys razz on Travis' ostrich egg and all the guys prefer this goose egg to ballin' ass Kalon's helicopter (I want to call him Ballin' Ass Kalon but I think Heli-Kalon might be a better fit). Single dad Doug steals Emily's heart by having his son Austin write him a letter of recommendation to show how cool and nice he is. The lame-o DJ gets made at Heli-Kalon for not wanting to give him his alone time with Emily. Umm who would want to give up their time? Arie is nervous that his background is in racing and it might freak Emily out and guess what, she's not and loves racing. God's little marionette Chris Harrison pops out to remind Emily about that first impression rose and then guys who haven't spoken to her panic. After a few more convos, Emily gives her first impression rose out to single dad Doug who knows how she feels, missing her kid and stuff.


With Doug safe, it's time to eliminate some other dodos from the group and I'll immediately say the DJ Spazzo needs to go. Chris Harrison taps a butter knife against a glass to corral the troops and they line up ready for judgement day number one. No pointing listing who she does pick because who cares, let's know the rejects! No she didn't cut DJ Stevie the annoyance but that's probably because producers love his hatred towards Heli-Kalon. Amongst the rejects, a dude with six kids, the black guy (and he probably got a lot of airtime to defend themselves against the lawsuit that they're racist), a fitness dude who strips down for the end credits, and a divorced marine biologist.

This season on The Bachelorette: we up and moved production to North Carolina just to peace out two weeks later to travel around the world and makeout! Ricki gets a trip around the world! Someone calls Ricki "baggage" and Emily tells them to get the fuck out. YEAH!

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