June 5, 2012

The Bachelorette: Boats and Bros

The Bachelorette - Week 4
 
Remember when the show uprooted its Los Angeles location to instead shoot in North Carolina to let Emily maintain a steady home with her daughter? Fuck it.  Grab the kid, grab your mom, grab the dudes - we're traveling the world.  First stop: Bermuda.

Emily and Ricki frolick on the beach. The guys arrive driving like douchey frat guys that rented mopeds on spring break.  Why none of them crashed and burned I don't know and I'm so disappointed.  Well at least one guy will be made a fool of this week because there's the 2-on-1 Thunderdome date.

Single dad Doug's date card is told to "let our senses lead the way" and while some people think sexy senses, I'm thinking nasty smelling stuff.  Before the date, Doug gets crazy neurotic that his hours are numbered and gets uber pissed at Arie.  But Emily saves the day and they wander around town tasting chocolate, huffing perfume, looking at stupid souvenirs, and talking about single parent stuff.  Emily finds yet another monument where you make a wish (remember that spa wishing clock?) and she wishes she won't be single forever.  LOL, like this show will help your cause.  At night, in an adorable white dress with a big ol' rhinestone butterfly, Emily and Doug have a private dinner and Doug loves the postcard they wrote together to his son.  Until he has to explain that one day she'll dump him for a racecar driver (c'mon, Arie is winning this shit).  Emily's concern is Doug is too perfect like Brad (again, how the fuck was that dumbass Brad perfect? For real, I mean it).  She grills Brad but when he asks her for flaws back, bitch can't think of any.  SERVED.  Emily gives perfect Doug the rose, but he does not give her a kiss because he can't read signals of awkwardly staring.

The group date guys compete in a sailboat race where the losers will leave and the winners get more Emily time at night.  Good news is that because the guys are too busy competing, none has the chance to be that asshole who does an "I'm the king of the world!" on the bow.  The yellow team wins the race which means Ari, Ryan, Jef (who fucked up his fingers) and Heli-Kalon get more Emily team.  It's all worth it because Charlie cries in the van on the way back to the hotel with his fellow losers.  Emily and her winners-that-are-real-life-losers eat kebabs and get crunk by a pool, led off with a toast by Ryan calling Emily his future possible trophy wife.  Man, this guy is coming off as a he-man womun hater.  Arie gets alone time first and they talk a little before smooching.  BTW, Arie looks like a horrible kisser.  Jef's hair withstood the whipping boat winds but gets a bit tousled from the beach breeze.  He likes Emily but is tired of being group date guy, but he comes from the Doug school of can't read makeout signals.  Heli-Kalon gets about 2 seconds of screentime before dickish Ryan gets his Emily time.  He must be schwasted with the weird ramblings he goes on, but he does say he wasn't pleased catching Emily and Arie kissing in the house pre-rose ceremony.  Emily doesn't like his idiotic poor flirtation tactics, but does apologize for getting caught but thinks the double standard is wrong.  Agreed Emily! Plus you've only kissed like two dudes so far.  Emily also says she can make fun of herself better than anybody and CHALLENGE ACCEPTED EMILY.  Anyways, Jef gets the group date rose.

A dreaded 2-on-1 date card arrives for John (Wolf) and Nate AKA two guys I didn't know existed and uses a Bermuda triangle pun.  Well played, production assistant who writes date cards!  The fellas are brought out to Emily on a yacht for a day of boozing at sea and cliff jumping.  I'm hoping instead of a little boat back the dumpee gets shoved overboard and lost in the Bermuda Triangle, never to be found again.  Ah, a new locale: dinner is in a cavern with stalagmites everywhere, and Emily can't believe Bermuda has all this cool stuff. Ok, stop talking.  I'm a fan of stalagmites and stalactites.  Nate is really excited by quinoa being on the dinner plate and Emily's like oh fuck this is going to be a terribly boring date with two guys I don't like.  Nate knows he is an unknown to Emily and can understand why he's in a 2-on-1 predicament, so spills some deets about his family and stuff before crying.  John is glad he got this date over a group date so either he stands out or he's gone from the pack, but also acknowledges he's not showy like the other guys.  Emily likes that he isn't trying to be in-your-face all the time like some buffoons (RYAN), so she gives John the rose and sends Nate home. 

Bermuda has made the men quite testy, bickering around their suite constantly about age and who gets attention.  Emily rocks a one-shoulder white jumper and I'm wondering if she's got a ponytail piece because it's all too even in the back.  Ryan is extremely confident in his relationship with Emily, but the guys aren't so sure and are tired of his 'tude.  Ryan makes more dickish comments to Emily and like maybe he's meant for a higher purpose and by that he means being the lead of the next Bachelor.  Oh you toolbag.  Ryan insists he's not threatened by Arie, but surely getting alone time interrupted by his rival must hurt.  I don't care though because Ryan's a tool.  Emily gets time in with the other guys including a horrifyingly bad kiss with Sean again.  Chris is all mopey because the guys think him being 25 is too young for the 26 year old Emily, so after talking to Emily he confronts instigator Doug about the matter.  Oh alcohol and cameras make people do the darndest things. 

Chris Harrison has to do a little more work this week with his corny talking session with Emily.  But guess what? He still does the same fucking hand gestures.  It gets interesting when Emily says Ryan isn't fooling her and while he thinks he's master manipulator, she's not dumb.  When Emily was on Brad's season, I found her to be the dull, least interested in wanting to be there woman ever.  This time around, I actually like Emily who seems to have grown a pair and a personality.  Any other season the girl would have someone like Ryan around forever, enchanted by his asshole ways.  Emily isn't dumb or at least won't be persuaded like other former leads.

Emily comes out for her rose ceremony while some fake thunder sound effects get cued up in the background.  I know it's fake because the thunder seems to only roll when a name is called for a rose.  And despite Emily's intelligence of knowing Ryan is trying to be manipulative, she gives him a rose and keeps him around. Uhhh, ok?  Eliminated this week are Charlie and some random guy with long hair named Michael.  Then they manly cry in rain. 

Next week: someone calls Emily's daughter "baggage" and must think she's stupid that she won't mind someone saying something so nasty about her kid. Wrong a-hole.

Bonus pic:



2 comments:

Arizonagal said...

Ryan is a tool, I agree, but she still gave him a rose. WTF?

Mel Got Served said...

I don't get it, especially after she told Chris Harrison she knows that she's playing her.